1 00:00:10,083 --> 00:00:12,083 (WIND BLOWING) 2 00:00:15,208 --> 00:00:16,541 (EXHALES) 3 00:00:17,458 --> 00:00:18,625 Isn't this nice? 4 00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:21,291 No better time of year. 5 00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:27,500 You know, let me tell you one of my favorite Yuletide stories. 6 00:00:28,583 --> 00:00:30,750 'Twas the night before Christmas, 7 00:00:30,750 --> 00:00:32,875 and all through the town, 8 00:00:32,875 --> 00:00:37,583 the Avengers were fighting a brand-new superpower. 9 00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,833 The stockings were hung by the chimney... 10 00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:40,916 (GRUNTS) 11 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,750 THE WATCHER: Well, not anymore. 12 00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:43,875 IRON MAN: Where's Thor? 13 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:46,708 (GRUNTS) 14 00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:51,541 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (ROARS) 15 00:00:51,541 --> 00:00:55,250 THE WATCHER: Oh, right. You're probably wondering who this guy is. 16 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:57,875 Perhaps I should start a bit further back. 17 00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,291 THE WATCHER: Time. 18 00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:08,708 Space. 19 00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:11,458 Reality. 20 00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:16,125 It's more than a linear path. 21 00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:25,500 It's a prism of endless possibility, 22 00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:31,541 where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities, 23 00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:37,125 creating alternate worlds from the ones you know. 24 00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,375 I am the Watcher. 25 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,625 I am your guide through these vast new realities. 26 00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:52,916 Follow me and ponder the question... 27 00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:57,666 "What if?" 28 00:02:02,833 --> 00:02:04,833 (WIND BLOWING) 29 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,625 Okay, let's try this again. 30 00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:12,000 'Twas only two hours prior and the tower was not yet on fire. 31 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:17,083 To the left, to the left. To the... No, too much left. Stop. Stop! 32 00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:18,583 (JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) 33 00:02:18,583 --> 00:02:20,958 DARCY: Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy? 34 00:02:20,958 --> 00:02:22,250 We have a code red down here. 35 00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:25,375 Darcy, I told you, while JARVIS is being defragged, 36 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,166 this line is for emergency use only. 37 00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:29,375 Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss. 38 00:02:29,375 --> 00:02:31,833 And it's a total code red. The caterers are here, 39 00:02:31,833 --> 00:02:35,041 and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes and carrot sticks. 40 00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:37,375 Where's the showmanship? Where are the Kogi buns? 41 00:02:37,375 --> 00:02:40,166 Darcy, you wanna get college credit for this? Listen to me. 42 00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:42,333 This Avengers holiday gala is not my first rodeo. 43 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,625 Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2. 44 00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:47,250 Wait. Why am I a puffin? And a second puffin at that. 45 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,333 - Who's the first puffin? - Bernard in Accounting. 46 00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,458 Okay, that just hurts. 47 00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:55,583 I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6. Ooh, how about the Parakeet? 48 00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:59,375 Wait. I have a better idea. A very special assignment just for you. 49 00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:01,333 - (GASPS) - Maraschino cherries. We're running low, 50 00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,416 and Tony can't have a hot toddy without them. 51 00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:06,083 Oh, I didn't know people put cherries in hot toddies. 52 00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,708 Hey, you're trying to get rid of me. 53 00:03:07,708 --> 00:03:10,541 Just looking for a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow! 54 00:03:10,541 --> 00:03:12,750 $50 million, you can't watch where you're going? 55 00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:14,833 - HILL: Everything under control? - (CLEARS THROAT) 56 00:03:14,833 --> 00:03:18,791 Director Hill. You're looking quite, uh, festive. 57 00:03:18,791 --> 00:03:21,500 Now that JARVIS has been shut down for maintenance... 58 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,708 Oh, I wanna talk to you about that. I'd like to share a few messages 59 00:03:24,708 --> 00:03:26,291 about upgrading our threat matrix... 60 00:03:26,291 --> 00:03:28,708 Maybe you should leave that to the security professionals. 61 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,375 (CHUCKLES) But I am a security professional. 62 00:03:30,375 --> 00:03:32,666 - I need you to focus on tonight's party. - (ELEVATOR DINGS) 63 00:03:32,666 --> 00:03:34,958 SHIELD AGENT: Eagle-1, Eagle-1. You're needed in command. 64 00:03:34,958 --> 00:03:36,958 - On my way. - Eagle-1? 65 00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:39,333 This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan. 66 00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:42,750 After the year we've had, people need a reason to celebrate. 67 00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:44,958 I'm counting on you to pull it off. 68 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,083 Yes, ma'am. 69 00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,375 - (ELEVATOR DINGS) - Hmm... 70 00:03:48,375 --> 00:03:50,791 Christmas playlist. 71 00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:55,583 Hanukkah playlist... (GASPS) That one Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo! 72 00:03:56,958 --> 00:03:59,916 - And to all a good... - (MAN SNEEZES) 73 00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:02,458 - Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy. - (EXHALES) 74 00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:10,000 THE WATCHER: Or maybe this is the story of how Justin Hammer stole Christmas. 75 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,958 - (CROWD APPLAUDING) - After the corrupt defense contractor 76 00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:15,125 nearly blew up the Stark Expo, 77 00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,416 he found himself on the naughty list. 78 00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:21,833 With time to think, time to reflect, 79 00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,583 time to... 80 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,416 ponder his future. 81 00:04:26,416 --> 00:04:32,666 Perhaps, in this universe, Justin Hammer had a little too much time. 82 00:04:32,666 --> 00:04:35,291 - (ELEVATOR DINGS) - (GUNS FIRING) 83 00:04:35,291 --> 00:04:38,000 (CROWD SCREAMING) 84 00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,375 CATERER: We're gonna die! 85 00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:41,166 Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you? 86 00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:42,750 - MAN: How'd they even get in here? - (YELPS) 87 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,250 The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav. 88 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,541 And that's exactly why we're sticking with Rusty. 89 00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:48,625 (CROWD SCREAMING) 90 00:04:48,625 --> 00:04:50,958 People, people, listen up. 91 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,833 You stay calm, you stay quiet 92 00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:56,375 and I guarantee that you'll be home for the holidays. 93 00:04:56,375 --> 00:05:00,375 - (SNIFFLES) - Hey, there's no crying on Christmas. 94 00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,666 You know, when I was seven years old, 95 00:05:02,666 --> 00:05:05,750 I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun more than anything in the world. 96 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:08,166 I begged my parents. I begged Santa for it. 97 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:11,125 Accidentally got my tongue stuck on a telephone pole. 98 00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:13,541 (SNIFFLES) Isn't that a classic movie? 99 00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:15,166 Yes, the one with the leg lamp. 100 00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:19,083 Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun that Christmas. Do you know why? 101 00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:20,791 (DEVICE BEEPS) 102 00:05:20,791 --> 00:05:25,250 'Cause this is America, and if you want something, you gotta take it. 103 00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,833 - (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) - (ALARM BLARING) 104 00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:30,416 (GUN COCKING) 105 00:05:30,416 --> 00:05:33,958 Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes, the whole building collapses. 106 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,166 - (GLASS BREAKING) - (GASPS) 107 00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:40,541 Huh? 108 00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:45,541 Uh, boss? 109 00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:50,291 Relax. Reprogramming command protocols, setting new targets. 110 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:52,208 "All on site staff" sounds good to me. 111 00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:54,083 - What? - (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) 112 00:05:54,083 --> 00:05:56,166 (IRON LEGION BEEPS) 113 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,541 (LAUGHS) Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives. 114 00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,500 (SINGING) Good Queen Darcy last looked down 115 00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:08,750 On the feast of Steve Rogers When the snow lay on... 116 00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:11,416 - (GRUNTS) "Eagle-1." - (ELEVATOR DINGS) 117 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000 Whoa. 118 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,416 - HAMMER: Okay, boys. - Hammer? 119 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:19,291 Behind these doors is a gamma-radiated antigen serum. 120 00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,375 Hulk blood. 121 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,958 - The amniotic fluid, so to speak... - Gross. 122 00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:26,666 ...that will birth the next superhero. Me. 123 00:06:26,666 --> 00:06:28,791 I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks 124 00:06:28,791 --> 00:06:32,250 and pretty soon I'll be stronger than 12 Captain Americas. 125 00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,583 (LAUGHS) So, let's get cracking. 126 00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:35,916 No problems. 127 00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:37,541 Dude, come on. What is this? 128 00:06:37,541 --> 00:06:39,125 You said you were a safecracker. 129 00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,041 Yes, and now I crack safe. 130 00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:45,791 (GROANS) I knew I should have gone with the Sokovian team. 131 00:06:45,791 --> 00:06:47,291 Hill. Hill, come in. 132 00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:50,583 - We got three hostiles in Tony's lab. - You'd think they'd raid the armory first. 133 00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:52,625 Tony's been messing around with Banner's blood, 134 00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:55,583 seeing if he can be the Hulk without the anger management issues. 135 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,166 - Was he successful? - It's a process. 136 00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,250 HAMMER: I'm gonna head up. 137 00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:01,500 Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay. 138 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:04,000 Call me when you get the good stuff. 139 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,208 Time for me to go and sit on Tony's throne. 140 00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:10,000 - I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift. - HOGAN: Oh. 141 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,416 Yeah, it's Hammer. He's heading for Tony's bathroom. 142 00:07:12,416 --> 00:07:13,500 Oh. 143 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,291 - HILL: Hogan, can you secure the samples? - Yes. I think I have a way in. 144 00:07:16,291 --> 00:07:18,208 Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer. 145 00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:22,625 (GRUNTS) Right in the jingle bells. 146 00:07:22,625 --> 00:07:24,291 Ah! Ah! Whoa! 147 00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,583 (SIGHS) Jesus. 148 00:07:26,583 --> 00:07:29,291 "Throw a holiday party. It'll be fun," Tony said. 149 00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:30,625 "What could go wrong?" 150 00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:33,750 I told them the air vent would be a security issue, but (CHUCKLES) no. 151 00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:35,500 Nobody listens to Happy. 152 00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,833 (UPBEAT SONG PLAYING) 153 00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,750 Mmm. 154 00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,291 Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness! 155 00:07:47,291 --> 00:07:48,416 I love it! 156 00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:50,958 - (GUNSHOT) - (MUSIC STOPS) 157 00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:52,625 Hands where I can see them, Hammer. 158 00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:54,250 Now surrender peacefully. 159 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:55,541 (LAUGHS) 160 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,625 Oh, the day you've been dreading has finally come. 161 00:07:58,625 --> 00:08:00,625 The day that you face off 162 00:08:00,625 --> 00:08:03,208 against Tony Stark's greatest adversary. 163 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,375 "Greatest adversary"? What are you, a wealth tax? 164 00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:07,625 (GRUNTS) 165 00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:09,125 (SIGHS) Nothing? 166 00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:10,625 Your technique is off. 167 00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:12,583 More strength in back. 168 00:08:12,583 --> 00:08:15,041 Less arms, more hips. 169 00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,875 RUSTAM: Da, da, da. I get it now. 170 00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:23,541 Okay, let's take a look. 171 00:08:25,291 --> 00:08:27,541 Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood. 172 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,250 Hulk blood. Hulk blood. 173 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,000 Okay, just where is... 174 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,833 Think... A little vial. 175 00:08:34,541 --> 00:08:36,541 Happy, find the Hulk blood, find the Hulk... No! 176 00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,166 (GRUNTS) 177 00:08:39,166 --> 00:08:41,000 Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that? 178 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,083 (GRUNTS) 179 00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:49,375 - (WHISPERS) Oh, got it. (SIGHS) - (RADIO STATIC) 180 00:08:49,375 --> 00:08:51,291 - (SHUSHES) Stop. - HAMMER: Your little jokes won't do 181 00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,333 much good against the master of tae kwon do, 182 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,250 - jiujitsu and Muay Thai. - Switch the channel. 183 00:08:57,416 --> 00:08:58,416 That's right. 184 00:08:58,416 --> 00:09:01,208 - I learned prison-fighting techniques. - Oh, God. 185 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,041 All on the prison yard. 186 00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,291 Hmm, maybe a rat. 187 00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:08,000 You know what the most important thing I learned in lockup is? 188 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,083 Enlighten me. 189 00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:11,375 Cheating is for winners. 190 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,250 - (EXPLOSION) - (GRUNTS) 191 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,541 No, Maria! 192 00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:17,583 - (METAL CLANGS) - Oh, whoa. (SCREAMS) 193 00:09:17,583 --> 00:09:19,166 (GRUNTS) 194 00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:23,666 Be a shadow. Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow. 195 00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:28,208 (SIGHS) 196 00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:29,416 You guys can see me, right? 197 00:09:29,416 --> 00:09:30,791 Da, we see you. 198 00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:33,166 Boss, we have security guard. 199 00:09:33,166 --> 00:09:36,333 Clever. You thought you could distract the Hammer? 200 00:09:37,416 --> 00:09:40,166 - SERGEI: Hey! Get back here. - Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood. 201 00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:42,333 Where will you run? (LAUGHS) 202 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:45,208 Come on. What's a guy gotta do to find an epidural of Banner blood? 203 00:09:45,208 --> 00:09:46,500 Hulk... Huh? 204 00:09:46,791 --> 00:09:48,000 A confetti arrow? 205 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,416 Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out for birthday parties now? 206 00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:54,000 Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo! 207 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,166 All right. (SIGHS) I should definitely be getting hazard pay for this. 208 00:09:58,416 --> 00:09:59,625 - (GUNSHOTS) - (YELLS) 209 00:10:00,958 --> 00:10:02,250 Whoa! (YELLS) 210 00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:04,333 No! Why'd it do that? 211 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,583 Step aside, my little elves. 212 00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:07,958 (GRUNTS) 213 00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:10,458 (GROANS) 214 00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,958 Oh, that's not good. 215 00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,500 Oh, that's not good. 216 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,666 (CHUCKLES) Hammer. 217 00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,708 Shoot him with all you've got. 218 00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:24,041 Whoa! (GRUNTS) 219 00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:26,291 - RUSTAM: There, there, there. Let's go. - Hey! Get back here! 220 00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:28,250 Oh, yeah, the things you learn working for a mad, 221 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,208 over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming! 222 00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:32,666 (COUGHING) 223 00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:39,500 Hey, stop, stop! Stop! You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood. 224 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,833 What's the matter with you? 225 00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:43,875 (SIGHS) Oh, that's useful. 226 00:10:44,416 --> 00:10:47,083 Screw what I said. Just get him. Now. 227 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,166 Happy. Oh, my leg is broken. 228 00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:51,958 Yeah, that's okay. I might have enough leg for the both of us. 229 00:10:51,958 --> 00:10:54,083 Happy? Look, I'm counting on you. 230 00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:57,041 Is that him? Is that the fly in my super serum? 231 00:10:57,041 --> 00:10:59,416 - Stop Hammer. Save the tower. - (RADIO STATIC) 232 00:10:59,416 --> 00:11:01,333 Maria! Maria! 233 00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:05,041 Oh, you got a big box of coal coming your way, missy. 234 00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:08,875 Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick roasting my chestnuts. 235 00:11:10,708 --> 00:11:14,625 Okay, it's all on me now. It's all on me now. 236 00:11:14,625 --> 00:11:17,625 Oh, it's all on me now. (SIGHS) 237 00:11:31,916 --> 00:11:35,875 Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team. There's no "I" in team! 238 00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,416 - What? No, no, no! - (CLOTHES TEARING) 239 00:11:37,416 --> 00:11:39,000 (SCREAMS) 240 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,458 - (PHONE VIBRATING) - (MUSIC PLAYING) 241 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:46,291 - Romanoff. Happy, not a great time. - HOGAN: Natasha? Natasha! 242 00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:50,458 I'm being held at gunpoint by a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills. 243 00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,625 Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria. 244 00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:54,291 Oh, that was you? Show off. 245 00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:56,791 Uh... You want me to get you help? 246 00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:58,750 Oh, no, I've got this. See you at the party. 247 00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:02,000 - (GUNSHOTS) - Yeah, she'll be fine. 248 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,166 - (LINE RINGING) - Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please. 249 00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:07,625 Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell Timmy here that a replica Cap shield 250 00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:09,375 is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee? 251 00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:10,875 - Tony, it's an emergency! - Whoa! 252 00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:13,458 Trouble here, too. Soccer moms are cornering Cap. Gotta go. 253 00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,208 - Tony. Tony! - (CLOTHES TEARING) 254 00:12:15,208 --> 00:12:17,166 (GROANS) 255 00:12:17,166 --> 00:12:18,583 - Okay. - (LINE RINGING) 256 00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,291 Come on. Answer the phone, answer the phone. 257 00:12:20,291 --> 00:12:21,750 (GIRL SCREAMING) 258 00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:23,708 - Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec. - (CLAMORING) 259 00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:26,833 Clint, think we need to wrap this up. Sun's getting real low, pal. 260 00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,291 Like, super winter solstice kind of low. 261 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:30,375 Banner, Banner! 262 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,041 - I'm sorry. It's the last one. - Banner! 263 00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:33,375 Clint, just give her the toy! 264 00:12:33,375 --> 00:12:35,291 - BARTON: No can do. - Come on. Just let her have it. 265 00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:38,708 The wife says, "Bring home this toy or don't come home at all." 266 00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,875 - Damn it. Clint, just... - Let her have it! 267 00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:42,541 Oh. 268 00:12:43,541 --> 00:12:44,875 Yeah! 269 00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:47,958 Oh, yeah! 270 00:12:48,458 --> 00:12:51,500 DARCY: Start pouring the Shirley Temples, big guy. I got your cherries. 271 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,875 Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2. 272 00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:56,708 Do you copy? We got a code red. 273 00:12:56,708 --> 00:12:58,708 The tower's been overtaken by terrorists. 274 00:12:58,708 --> 00:13:01,125 Terrorists on Christmas? What is this? Con Air? 275 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:04,458 No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no. That's not it. Wait. I know this one. 276 00:13:04,458 --> 00:13:06,625 Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle. 277 00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:08,125 Hey, John McClane, focus. 278 00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:11,458 Every weapon, every suit is currently under Hammer's control. 279 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,791 What are you calling me for? 280 00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:15,500 Tell JARVIS to dial up the army or the Avengers. 281 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,291 (GASPS) Or that scary dude with the eye-patch. 282 00:13:17,291 --> 00:13:20,458 JARVIS is offline defragging. It's how they were able to... 283 00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:22,083 Darcy, you're a genius. 284 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:25,750 Thanks. I have been in college for the better part of a decade. 285 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,375 Not to brag. But what did I say? 286 00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,500 JARVIS has a mainframe in the sub-basement. 287 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,708 If we bring JARVIS back online, we can take control of the building 288 00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:33,875 and everything inside it. 289 00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:37,250 Puffin-2, are you asking me to be your Reginald VelJohnson? 290 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,041 Reginald VelJohnson? That's what you remember from the movie? 291 00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:41,125 Oh, damn. 292 00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:45,708 Eh... 293 00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,416 You guys can see me, right? 294 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:51,916 - (GUNS FIRING) - Uh... 295 00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:56,625 (PANTS) 296 00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:59,375 Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. 297 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,666 - Oh, okay. - SERGEI: Hey! 298 00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:03,166 Hmm. 299 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,958 (GRUNTS) 300 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,875 Guess the only way out is out! 301 00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,750 Holy... (SCREAMS) 302 00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,250 (CRIES) 303 00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,916 (GRUNTING) 304 00:14:27,875 --> 00:14:28,958 (GROANING) 305 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,000 (ROARS) 306 00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:49,541 (GROANING) 307 00:14:49,541 --> 00:14:51,000 (LAUGHS) 308 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,916 See that? I got Hulk blood pumping through me. 309 00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:56,166 Might as well try it on for size. 310 00:14:58,666 --> 00:15:00,625 - (METAL CLANGING) - Wait, wait. Do you hear that? 311 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:01,958 Go, go, go. 312 00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,583 Broke that damn chain pretty good. 313 00:15:04,583 --> 00:15:07,583 What about the short fuse? Can't have a temper tantrum. 314 00:15:07,583 --> 00:15:09,375 Be calm. Breathe. 315 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:10,791 That's supposed to help, right? 316 00:15:10,791 --> 00:15:12,458 (INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES) 317 00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:15,250 DARCY: 10-9, Puffin-2. Everything okay there, boss? 318 00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:17,958 'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y. 319 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,125 HOGAN: I just need a minute. I'm going through some stuff. 320 00:15:20,125 --> 00:15:23,083 Can't believe the whole building runs off this one dinky box. 321 00:15:23,083 --> 00:15:25,750 My next internship should totally be at WikiLeaks, 322 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,666 'cause I've got this whole hacking thing... Oh, no. 323 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,083 Whoa! 324 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,208 A secret room! 325 00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:38,458 You thought the doorknob was the mainframe? 326 00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:41,500 Anyone would. This is like Narnia for dorks. 327 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:44,458 There should be a backup JARVIS AI in the sub-basement. 328 00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:47,666 Boss, he has someone else on the inside. In the sub-basement. 329 00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:50,416 Wait. I got a better idea. Get back to the penthouse. 330 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:53,708 It's better to make them come to the Hammer. 331 00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:56,416 All right. Here we go, boss. We got a Friday, 332 00:15:56,416 --> 00:16:00,208 a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0. Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery. 333 00:16:00,208 --> 00:16:01,666 HOGAN: Darcy, just pick one! 334 00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:03,666 Wunderbar! Werner it is. 335 00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:05,375 - (EXPLOSION) - Whoa! (GASPS) 336 00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:07,458 Darcy? Darcy, do you copy? 337 00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:12,416 Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1. This is Puffin-2. Do you copy? 338 00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:14,541 - (RADIO STATIC) - HAMMER: Is this on? 339 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:19,500 The only difference between a hero and a villain is good PR. 340 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,625 You see, redemption in this country, it isn't about penance. 341 00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,375 No, it's about rebranding, 342 00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:27,250 and that Hulk blood was gonna be my chance. 343 00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,833 And then you stole it from me, Happy Hogan. But don't worry. 344 00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:34,791 I will reverse-engineer it after I dissect your twitching corpse. 345 00:16:34,791 --> 00:16:36,291 Don't let him spook you, Happy. 346 00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:39,375 That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan, I got your girl Friday, 347 00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:41,250 but all I want for Christmas is you. 348 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,541 Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some solid holiday word play. 349 00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:46,875 Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes. 350 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,791 Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa. 351 00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:51,000 (COUGHS) But I'm adorable. 352 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,708 HAMMER: Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor. Don't be a hero. 353 00:16:54,708 --> 00:16:57,375 Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up. 354 00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,083 All right. Let's see what we got here. 355 00:17:02,083 --> 00:17:06,041 Given the weight, no sound, I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch? 356 00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:11,041 (CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness. The billionaire got Captain America socks. 357 00:17:11,041 --> 00:17:14,708 Wow, the press lied. These two really do not get along. 358 00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:17,083 Quality socks can be excellent gift. 359 00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:18,166 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 360 00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708 Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar? 361 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,083 Light him up, fellas. 362 00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,083 Happy, no! 363 00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,125 - (LOUD THUD) - Oh! 364 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:31,375 So, give us some figgy pudding! 365 00:17:31,375 --> 00:17:32,958 (LAUGHS) 366 00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,041 Wha-- "Let it snow?" 367 00:17:35,041 --> 00:17:36,833 Oh, sugar cookies. 368 00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:38,333 - (EXPLOSION) - (GRUNTS) 369 00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:39,583 (HOGAN ROARS) 370 00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:41,500 - What the hell is that? - (LOUD CRASH) 371 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,083 DARCY: Earthquake? Is it an earthquake? 372 00:17:43,791 --> 00:17:45,541 (ROARING) 373 00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:51,041 (ROARS) 374 00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:52,875 I think that's Happy Hogan. 375 00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:54,750 (GRUNTS) 376 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:56,250 (LAUGHS) 377 00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:02,000 Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose. 378 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,291 What the hell do you think I pay you for? 379 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,416 Not this. 380 00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:09,416 (SIGHS) Come on, come on. Yoga room. Karaoke studio. Really? 381 00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:11,333 Avengers armory. Bingo! 382 00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:15,250 (GROWLS) 383 00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:16,333 Uh... 384 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:19,000 - (GRUNTS) - (METAL CLANGS) 385 00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:22,125 Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's. 386 00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:24,291 Crazy, right? And the party hasn't even started. 387 00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:26,916 Look, if we can reboot JARVIS... 388 00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:28,958 Already on it, Sparrow-1. 389 00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:31,500 You said you were counting on me. That means something. 390 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,875 Hammer's heading to the armory. 391 00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:35,916 I'll handle him. You guys get to work on the JARVIS reboot. 392 00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:39,416 It's time for that Hammer to get nailed. 393 00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,291 Hammer! Hammer! 394 00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,583 Oh. 395 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:49,708 (LAUGHS) 396 00:18:51,416 --> 00:18:53,458 (GROWLING) 397 00:19:01,041 --> 00:19:02,541 (ROARS) 398 00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:25,750 (PANTING) 399 00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,541 (GROWLS) 400 00:19:32,041 --> 00:19:36,166 You lost, Hammer. And there's not gonna be a Christmas miracle. 401 00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:39,208 Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan. 402 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:42,875 (RUMBLING) 403 00:19:42,875 --> 00:19:45,125 DARCY: (GASPS) Oh, my God! It's Santa! 404 00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:46,458 He's real. 405 00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:48,208 (BOOMING) 406 00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:52,666 (METAL CLANGING) 407 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,666 I'm Santa Claus, baby. 408 00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,666 - (RUMBLING) - Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster. 409 00:20:02,666 --> 00:20:05,791 We need to gain control of the suit, now. Upload JARVIS. 410 00:20:05,791 --> 00:20:07,750 Not JARVIS, but German. 411 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,083 This is the worst internship ever. 412 00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,541 (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) 413 00:20:13,541 --> 00:20:14,916 (GRUNTS) 414 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,791 HAMMER: Come on, Happy. Don't be like that. 415 00:20:18,791 --> 00:20:20,958 Let's make it quick. I just need a little slice. 416 00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,250 Oh, you'll get a piece of me. 417 00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:34,708 There's no way that Stark is paying you enough to deal with the Hammer. 418 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,833 Hey, what are you doing? 419 00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,500 Nothing? 420 00:20:44,291 --> 00:20:45,708 (KEYBOARD CLACKING) 421 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,625 Oh, yeah! Best boss ever. 422 00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:50,750 Oh, Darcy, really? 423 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,500 Oh, that means a lot coming from, well, someone who's had just so many bosses. 424 00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:56,083 (GRUNTS) 425 00:20:59,041 --> 00:21:00,083 (BEEPING) 426 00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:01,500 Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out. 427 00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,250 Damn you, pinwheel of death. Quick. Control-Alt-Delete. 428 00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,083 Huh? That actually worked. 429 00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:11,291 A little trick I picked up interning for the Culver University IT department. 430 00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:14,000 - Have you ever had an actual paying job? - Nope. 431 00:21:19,583 --> 00:21:21,541 (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) 432 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,333 W.E.R.N.E.R: Guten tag. 433 00:21:26,333 --> 00:21:29,791 Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol. 434 00:21:29,791 --> 00:21:35,125 In the beginning, men controlled machines. Now, machines control the fate of men. 435 00:21:35,125 --> 00:21:36,291 (GRUNTS) 436 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,125 Yeah, okay, right. Are you calling the Avengers? 437 00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:42,666 W.E.R.N.E.R: As they say in German, no. 438 00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:47,666 What the hell is this program? Siri for nihilists? 439 00:21:47,666 --> 00:21:48,791 It sounds like my dad. 440 00:21:48,791 --> 00:21:50,666 Happy, you're on your own. 441 00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:54,125 (GROWLS) 442 00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:59,791 HAMMER: Here's some Muay Thai, jiujitsu, tae kwon do! 443 00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:04,708 (GROWLS) 444 00:22:04,708 --> 00:22:06,958 (SIGHS) Know when you're beat, freak. 445 00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:08,916 - (GROWLS) - What? 446 00:22:09,833 --> 00:22:11,333 (GROWLING) 447 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:15,375 (SCREAMING) 448 00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,166 (ROARING) 449 00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:27,458 Son of a nutcracker. That monster is eating my suit! 450 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250 Huh? 451 00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:35,750 (GRUNTS) 452 00:22:35,750 --> 00:22:38,208 - (GROWLING) - Bruce, a little help. 453 00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:40,000 No, you guys got this. 454 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,291 (GRUNTS) 455 00:22:43,375 --> 00:22:44,750 (GRUNTS) 456 00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:46,791 - IRON MAN: Where's Thor? - (ROARING) 457 00:22:46,791 --> 00:22:48,083 Is that Happy? 458 00:22:48,083 --> 00:22:49,208 Um, no. 459 00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:51,875 ROMANOFF: What is this thing? (GRUNTS) 460 00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,166 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (ROARS) 461 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:57,416 No, no, no. He's on the guest list. 462 00:22:57,416 --> 00:23:00,041 Repeat, he is on the guest list. 463 00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:01,250 (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) 464 00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:04,125 (GROANS) Natasha! It's me. 465 00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:06,458 Oh, my God. Happy? 466 00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:07,625 (CHUCKLES) I was right. 467 00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:12,000 This is the good guy, that is the bad guy. 468 00:23:12,875 --> 00:23:13,958 (HAMMER CHUCKLES) 469 00:23:13,958 --> 00:23:15,791 IRON MAN: What are you doing with my suit? 470 00:23:15,791 --> 00:23:17,291 HAMMER: Uh, nothing? 471 00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:19,083 (BEEPS) 472 00:23:19,083 --> 00:23:20,916 (METAL CLANGING) 473 00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833 Um... 474 00:23:22,833 --> 00:23:24,375 (ROARS) 475 00:23:24,375 --> 00:23:26,458 (SCREAMING) 476 00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:35,916 (SCREAMING) 477 00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:42,166 You saved me. Why? 478 00:23:42,166 --> 00:23:44,875 It's Christmas, Hammer. Goodwill towards men. 479 00:23:44,875 --> 00:23:46,625 (PANTS) Even the bad ones. 480 00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:47,708 Huh. (SCREAMS) 481 00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:49,833 (GRUNTS) 482 00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,416 I'm sorry about the party, Tony. I'm sure insurance will cover most of it. 483 00:23:55,416 --> 00:23:58,500 Are you kidding? You're the only insurance policy I'll ever need. 484 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,041 Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait. You do have a cure, don't you? 485 00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:02,375 I'm not stuck this way, right? 486 00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:04,083 (LAUGHS) 487 00:24:04,083 --> 00:24:07,166 My head of security, everybody. How about this guy, right? 488 00:24:07,166 --> 00:24:08,666 - Yeah, Happy. - Good job, Happy. 489 00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:10,416 - Crushed it, man. - Bah, humbug. 490 00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:13,583 THE WATCHER: As for how the rest of this holiday tale goes, 491 00:24:13,583 --> 00:24:18,583 the tower was safe and secure, still decked in holly and bows, 492 00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:21,666 when Tony Stark to his team gave a whistle. 493 00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:23,958 IRON MAN: I think I speak for everyone when I say 494 00:24:23,958 --> 00:24:25,291 some food would be beneficial. 495 00:24:25,291 --> 00:24:29,333 HOGAN: My appetite is raging. I can eat an actual fruitcake after that fight. 496 00:24:29,333 --> 00:24:33,208 THE WATCHER: But I heard a voice say as the heroes vanished from sight... 497 00:24:33,208 --> 00:24:36,000 "Merry Christmas to all and to all a..." 498 00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:37,833 Guys? 499 00:24:38,291 --> 00:24:39,666 Oh, I missed the party. 500 00:24:39,666 --> 00:24:41,375 (LAUGHS) 501 00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:44,166 "To all, a good night." 502 00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:51,583 We wish you a merry Christmas 503 00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:58,000 We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year 504 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,000 We wish you a merry Christmas 505 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,333 We wish you a merry Christmas 506 00:25:04,333 --> 00:25:10,875 We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year 507 00:25:10,875 --> 00:25:17,083 Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin 508 00:25:17,083 --> 00:25:23,208 Glad tidings at Christmas and a happy new year 509 00:25:23,208 --> 00:25:25,416 We wish you a swinging Christmas 510 00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:29,791 We wish you a crazy Christmas 511 00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:35,666 We wish you a naughty Christmas and a frantic new year 512 00:26:01,375 --> 00:26:02,458 Yeah 513 00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,916 DARCY: All right. 514 00:26:29,916 --> 00:26:32,625 (SINGING) Good Queen Darcy last looked down 515 00:26:32,625 --> 00:26:35,125 On the feast of Steve Rogers 516 00:26:35,125 --> 00:26:37,666 When the snow lay on the ground 517 00:26:37,666 --> 00:26:40,208 Something, something, something 518 00:26:40,208 --> 00:26:45,041 Thor has a giant neck It is full of muscles 519 00:26:45,041 --> 00:26:51,291 He's just a little schmoopy noodle Going through the cosmos 520 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,833 (LAUGHS) 521 00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:57,791 Happy Holidays! Make up dumb songs for money.