1
00:00:17,458 --> 00:00:18,625
Isn't this nice?

2
00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:21,291
No better time of year.

3
00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:27,500
You know, let me tell you
one of my favorite Yuletide stories.

4
00:00:28,583 --> 00:00:30,750
<i>'Twas the night before Christmas,</i>

5
00:00:30,750 --> 00:00:32,875
<i>and all through the town,</i>

6
00:00:32,875 --> 00:00:37,583
<i>the Avengers were fighting
a brand-new superpower.</i>

7
00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,833
<i>The stockings were hung by the chimney...</i>

8
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,750
<i>Well, not anymore.</i>

9
00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:43,875
Where's Thor?

10
00:00:51,541 --> 00:00:55,250
<i>Oh, right. You're probably
wondering who this guy is.</i>

11
00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:57,875
<i>Perhaps I should start a bit further back.</i>

12
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,291
<i>Time.</i>

13
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:08,708
<i>Space.</i>

14
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:11,458
<i>Reality.</i>

15
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:16,125
<i>It's more than a linear path.</i>

16
00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:25,500
<i>It's a prism of endless possibility,</i>

17
00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:31,541
<i>where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,</i>

18
00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:37,125
<i>creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.</i>

19
00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,375
<i>I am the Watcher.</i>

20
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,625
<i>I am your guide
through these vast new realities.</i>

21
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:52,916
<i>Follow me and ponder the question...</i>

22
00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:57,666
<i>"What if?"</i>

23
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,625
<i>Okay, let's try this again.</i>

24
00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:12,000
<i>'Twas only two hours prior
and the tower was not yet on fire.</i>

25
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:17,083
To the left, to the left. To the...
No, too much left. Stop. Stop!

26
00:02:18,583 --> 00:02:20,958
<i>Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy?</i>

27
00:02:20,958 --> 00:02:22,250
<i>We have a code red down here.</i>

28
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:25,375
Darcy, I told you,
while JARVIS is being defragged,

29
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,166
<i>this line is for emergency use only.</i>

30
00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:29,375
Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.

31
00:02:29,375 --> 00:02:31,833
And it's a total code red.
The caterers are here,

32
00:02:31,833 --> 00:02:35,041
and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes
and carrot sticks.

33
00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:37,375
Where's the showmanship?
Where are the Kogi buns?

34
00:02:37,375 --> 00:02:40,166
Darcy, you wanna get college credit
for this? Listen to me.

35
00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:42,333
This Avengers holiday gala
is not my first rodeo.

36
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,625
Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.

37
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:47,250
<i>Wait. Why am I a puffin?
And a second puffin at that.</i>

38
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,333
<i>- Who's the first puffin?</i>
- Bernard in Accounting.

39
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,458
Okay, that just hurts.

40
00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:55,583
<i>I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6.
Ooh, how about the Parakeet?</i>

41
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:59,375
Wait. I have a better idea.
A very special assignment just for you.

42
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:01,333
- Maraschino cherries. We're running low,

43
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,416
and Tony can't have
a hot toddy without them.

44
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:06,083
Oh, I didn't know people
put cherries in hot toddies.

45
00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,708
Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.

46
00:03:07,708 --> 00:03:10,541
Just looking for
a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow!

47
00:03:10,541 --> 00:03:12,750
$50 million,
you can't watch where you're going?

48
00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:14,833
Everything under control?

49
00:03:14,833 --> 00:03:18,791
Director Hill.
You're looking quite, uh, festive.

50
00:03:18,791 --> 00:03:21,500
Now that JARVIS has been
shut down for maintenance...

51
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,708
Oh, I wanna talk to you about that.
I'd like to share a few messages

52
00:03:24,708 --> 00:03:26,291
about upgrading our threat matrix...

53
00:03:26,291 --> 00:03:28,708
Maybe you should leave that
to the security professionals.

54
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,375
But I am
a security professional.

55
00:03:30,375 --> 00:03:32,666
- I need you to focus on tonight's party.

56
00:03:32,666 --> 00:03:34,958
<i>Eagle-1, Eagle-1.
You're needed in command.</i>

57
00:03:34,958 --> 00:03:36,958
- On my way.
- Eagle-1?

58
00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:39,333
This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.

59
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:42,750
After the year we've had,
people need a reason to celebrate.

60
00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:44,958
I'm counting on you to pull it off.

61
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,083
Yes, ma'am.

62
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,375
- Hmm...

63
00:03:48,375 --> 00:03:50,791
Christmas playlist.

64
00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:55,583
Hanukkah playlist...  That one
Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo!

65
00:03:56,958 --> 00:03:59,916
- And to all a good...

66
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:02,458
- Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy.

67
00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:10,000
<i>Or maybe this is the story of
how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.</i>

68
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,958
<i>- </i>
<i>- After the corrupt defense contractor</i>

69
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:15,125
<i>nearly blew up the Stark Expo,</i>

70
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,416
<i>he found himself on the naughty list.</i>

71
00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:21,833
<i>With time to think, time to reflect,</i>

72
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,583
<i>time to...</i>

73
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,416
<i>ponder his future.</i>

74
00:04:26,416 --> 00:04:32,666
<i>Perhaps, in this universe,
Justin Hammer had a little too much time.</i>

75
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,375
We're gonna die!

76
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:41,166
Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?

77
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:42,750
How'd they even get in here?

78
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,250
The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.

79
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,541
And that's exactly why
we're sticking with Rusty.

80
00:04:48,625 --> 00:04:50,958
People, people, listen up.

81
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,833
You stay calm, you stay quiet

82
00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:56,375
and I guarantee that you'll
be home for the holidays.

83
00:04:56,375 --> 00:05:00,375
- Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.

84
00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,666
You know, when I was seven years old,

85
00:05:02,666 --> 00:05:05,750
I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun
more than anything in the world.

86
00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:08,166
I begged my parents.
I begged Santa for it.

87
00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:11,125
Accidentally got my tongue
stuck on a telephone pole.

88
00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:13,541
Isn't that a classic movie?

89
00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:15,166
Yes, the one with the leg lamp.

90
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:19,083
Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun
that Christmas. Do you know why?

91
00:05:20,791 --> 00:05:25,250
'Cause this is America, and if
you want something, you gotta take it.

92
00:05:30,416 --> 00:05:33,958
Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes,
the whole building collapses.

93
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:40,541
Huh?

94
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:45,541
Uh, boss?

95
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:50,291
Relax. Reprogramming command protocols,
setting new targets.

96
00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:52,208
"All on site staff" sounds good to me.

97
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:54,083
- What?

98
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,541
Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.

99
00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,500
<i>Good Queen Darcy last looked down</i>

100
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:08,750
<i>On the feast of Steve Rogers
When the snow lay on...</i>

101
00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:11,416
-  "Eagle-1."

102
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Whoa.

103
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,416
Okay, boys.
- Hammer?

104
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:19,291
Behind these doors is
a gamma-radiated antigen serum.

105
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,375
Hulk blood.

106
00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,958
- The amniotic fluid, so to speak...
- Gross.

107
00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:26,666
...that will birth the next superhero. Me.

108
00:06:26,666 --> 00:06:28,791
I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks

109
00:06:28,791 --> 00:06:32,250
and pretty soon I'll be stronger
than 12 Captain Americas.

110
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,583
So, let's get cracking.

111
00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:35,916
No problems.

112
00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:37,541
Dude, come on. What is this?

113
00:06:37,541 --> 00:06:39,125
You said you were a safecracker.

114
00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,041
Yes, and now I crack safe.

115
00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:45,791
I knew I should have gone
with the Sokovian team.

116
00:06:45,791 --> 00:06:47,291
Hill. Hill, come in.

117
00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:50,583
<i>- We got three hostiles in Tony's lab.</i>
- You'd think they'd raid the armory first.

118
00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:52,625
<i>Tony's been messing around
with Banner's blood,</i>

119
00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:55,583
<i>seeing if he can be the Hulk
without the anger management issues.</i>

120
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,166
- Was he successful?
- It's a process.

121
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,250
I'm gonna head up.

122
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.

123
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:04,000
Call me when you get the good stuff.

124
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,208
Time for me to go
and sit on Tony's throne.

125
00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:10,000
- I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift.
Oh.

126
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,416
Yeah, it's Hammer.
He's heading for Tony's bathroom.

127
00:07:12,416 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh.

128
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,291
<i>Hogan, can you secure the samples?</i>
- Yes. I think I have a way in.

129
00:07:16,291 --> 00:07:18,208
<i>Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.</i>

130
00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:22,625
Right in the jingle bells.

131
00:07:22,625 --> 00:07:24,291
Ah! Ah! Whoa!

132
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,583
Jesus.

133
00:07:26,583 --> 00:07:29,291
"Throw a holiday party.
It'll be fun," Tony said.

134
00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:30,625
"What could go wrong?"

135
00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:33,750
I told them the air vent would be
a security issue, but  no.

136
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:35,500
Nobody listens to Happy.

137
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,750
Mmm.

138
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,291
Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!

139
00:07:47,291 --> 00:07:48,416
I love it!

140
00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:52,625
Hands where I can see them, Hammer.

141
00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:54,250
Now surrender peacefully.

142
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,625
Oh, the day you've been dreading
has finally come.

143
00:07:58,625 --> 00:08:00,625
The day that you face off

144
00:08:00,625 --> 00:08:03,208
against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.

145
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,375
"Greatest adversary"?
What are you, a wealth tax?

146
00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:09,125
Nothing?

147
00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:10,625
Your technique is off.

148
00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:12,583
More strength in back.

149
00:08:12,583 --> 00:08:15,041
Less arms, more hips.

150
00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,875
<i>Da, da, da.</i> I get it now.

151
00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:23,541
Okay, let's take a look.

152
00:08:25,291 --> 00:08:27,541
Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.

153
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,250
Hulk blood. Hulk blood.

154
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,000
Okay, just where is...

155
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,833
Think... A little vial.

156
00:08:34,541 --> 00:08:36,541
Happy, find the Hulk blood,
find the Hulk... No!

157
00:08:39,166 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?

158
00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:49,375
-  Oh, got it.

159
00:08:49,375 --> 00:08:51,291
-  Stop.
<i>Your little jokes won't do</i>

160
00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,333
<i>much good
against the master of tae kwon do,</i>

161
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,250
<i>- jiujitsu and Muay Thai.</i>
- Switch the channel.

162
00:08:57,416 --> 00:08:58,416
<i>That's right.</i>

163
00:08:58,416 --> 00:09:01,208
<i>- I learned prison-fighting techniques.</i>
- Oh, God.

164
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,041
<i>All on the prison yard.</i>

165
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,291
Hmm, maybe a rat.

166
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:08,000
You know what the most
important thing I learned in lockup is?

167
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,083
Enlighten me.

168
00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:11,375
Cheating is for winners.

169
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,541
No, Maria!

170
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:17,583
- Oh, whoa.

171
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:23,666
Be a shadow.
Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow.

172
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:29,416
You guys can see me, right?

173
00:09:29,416 --> 00:09:30,791
<i>Da,</i> we see you.

174
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:33,166
Boss, we have security guard.

175
00:09:33,166 --> 00:09:36,333
Clever. You thought you
could distract the Hammer?

176
00:09:37,416 --> 00:09:40,166
Hey! Get back here.
- Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.

177
00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:42,333
Where will you run?

178
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:45,208
Come on. What's a guy gotta do
to find an epidural of Banner blood?

179
00:09:45,208 --> 00:09:46,500
Hulk... Huh?

180
00:09:46,791 --> 00:09:48,000
A confetti arrow?

181
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,416
Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out
for birthday parties now?

182
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:54,000
Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!

183
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,166
All right.  I should definitely
be getting hazard pay for this.

184
00:10:00,958 --> 00:10:02,250
Whoa!

185
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:04,333
No! Why'd it do that?

186
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,583
Step aside, my little elves.

187
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,958
Oh, that's not good.

188
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,500
Oh, that's not good.

189
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,666
Hammer.

190
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,708
Shoot him with all you've got.

191
00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:24,041
Whoa!

192
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:26,291
There, there, there. Let's go.
- Hey! Get back here!

193
00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:28,250
Oh, yeah, the things you learn
working for a mad,

194
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,208
over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!

195
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:39,500
Hey, stop, stop! Stop!
You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood.

196
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,833
What's the matter with you?

197
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:43,875
Oh, that's useful.

198
00:10:44,416 --> 00:10:47,083
Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.

199
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,166
Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.

200
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:51,958
Yeah, that's okay. I might have
enough leg for the both of us.

201
00:10:51,958 --> 00:10:54,083
Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.

202
00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:57,041
Is that him?
Is that the fly in my super serum?

203
00:10:57,041 --> 00:10:59,416
- Stop Hammer. Save the tower.

204
00:10:59,416 --> 00:11:01,333
Maria! Maria!

205
00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:05,041
Oh, you got a big box of coal
coming your way, missy.

206
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:08,875
Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick
roasting my chestnuts.

207
00:11:10,708 --> 00:11:14,625
Okay, it's all on me now.
It's all on me now.

208
00:11:14,625 --> 00:11:17,625
Oh, it's all on me now.

209
00:11:31,916 --> 00:11:35,875
Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team.
There's no "I" in team!

210
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,416
- What? No, no, no!

211
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:46,291
- Romanoff. Happy, not a great time.
<i>Natasha? Natasha!</i>

212
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:50,458
I'm being held at gunpoint by
a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.

213
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,625
Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.

214
00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:54,291
Oh, that was you? Show off.

215
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:56,791
Uh... You want me to get you help?

216
00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:58,750
Oh, no, I've got this.
See you at the party.

217
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:02,000
- Yeah, she'll be fine.

218
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,166
- Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.

219
00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:07,625
Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell
Timmy here that a replica Cap shield

220
00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:09,375
is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?

221
00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:10,875
<i>- Tony, it's an emergency!</i>
- Whoa!

222
00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:13,458
Trouble here, too. Soccer moms
are cornering Cap. Gotta go.

223
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,208
- Tony. Tony!

224
00:12:17,166 --> 00:12:18,583
- Okay.

225
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,291
Come on.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.

226
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:23,708
- Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec.

227
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:26,833
Clint, think we need to wrap this up.
Sun's getting real low, pal.

228
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,291
Like, super winter solstice kind of low.

229
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:30,375
Banner, Banner!

230
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,041
<i>- I'm sorry. It's the last one.</i>
- Banner!

231
00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:33,375
Clint, just give her the toy!

232
00:12:33,375 --> 00:12:35,291
<i>No can do.</i>
- Come on. Just let her have it.

233
00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:38,708
The wife says, "Bring home this toy
or don't come home at all."

234
00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,875
- Damn it. Clint, just...
- Let her have it!

235
00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:42,541
Oh.

236
00:12:43,541 --> 00:12:44,875
Yeah!

237
00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:47,958
Oh, yeah!

238
00:12:48,458 --> 00:12:51,500
<i>Start pouring the Shirley Temples,
big guy. I got your cherries.</i>

239
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,875
Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.

240
00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:56,708
<i>Do you copy? We got a code red.</i>

241
00:12:56,708 --> 00:12:58,708
<i>The tower's been overtaken by terrorists.</i>

242
00:12:58,708 --> 00:13:01,125
Terrorists on Christmas?
What is this? <i>Con Air?</i>

243
00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:04,458
No, wait. <i>Under Siege?</i> No, no, no.
That's not it. Wait. I know this one.

244
00:13:04,458 --> 00:13:06,625
Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.

245
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:08,125
Hey, John McClane, focus.

246
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:11,458
Every weapon, every suit
is currently under Hammer's control.

247
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,791
What are you calling me for?

248
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:15,500
Tell JARVIS to dial up
the army or the Avengers.

249
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,291
Or that scary dude
with the eye-patch.

250
00:13:17,291 --> 00:13:20,458
JARVIS is offline defragging.
It's how they were able to...

251
00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:22,083
Darcy, you're a genius.

252
00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:25,750
Thanks. I have been in college
for the better part of a decade.

253
00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,375
Not to brag. But what did I say?

254
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,500
JARVIS has a mainframe
in the sub-basement.

255
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,708
If we bring JARVIS back online,
we can take control of the building

256
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:33,875
and everything inside it.

257
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:37,250
Puffin-2, are you asking me to be
your Reginald VelJohnson?

258
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,041
Reginald VelJohnson?
That's what you remember from the movie?

259
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:41,125
Oh, damn.

260
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:45,708
Eh...

261
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,416
You guys can see me, right?

262
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:51,916
- Uh...

263
00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:59,375
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.

264
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,666
- Oh, okay.
Hey!

265
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:03,166
Hmm.

266
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,875
Guess the only way out is out!

267
00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,750
Holy...

268
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,916
See that?
I got Hulk blood pumping through me.

269
00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:56,166
Might as well try it on for size.

270
00:14:58,666 --> 00:15:00,625
- Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

271
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:01,958
Go, go, go.

272
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,583
Broke that damn chain pretty good.

273
00:15:04,583 --> 00:15:07,583
What about the short fuse?
Can't have a temper tantrum.

274
00:15:07,583 --> 00:15:09,375
Be calm. Breathe.

275
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:10,791
That's supposed to help, right?

276
00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:15,250
<i>10-9, Puffin-2.
Everything okay there, boss?</i>

277
00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:17,958
'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.

278
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,125
<i>I just need a minute.
I'm going through some stuff.</i>

279
00:15:20,125 --> 00:15:23,083
Can't believe the whole building
runs off this one dinky box.

280
00:15:23,083 --> 00:15:25,750
My next internship should
totally be at WikiLeaks,

281
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,666
'cause I've got this whole
hacking thing... Oh, no.

282
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,083
Whoa!

283
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,208
A secret room!

284
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:38,458
You thought the doorknob
was the mainframe?

285
00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:41,500
Anyone would.
This is like Narnia for dorks.

286
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:44,458
There should be a backup JARVIS AI
in the sub-basement.

287
00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:47,666
Boss, he has someone else on the inside.
In the sub-basement.

288
00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:50,416
Wait. I got a better idea.
Get back to the penthouse.

289
00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:53,708
It's better to make them
come to the Hammer.

290
00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:56,416
All right. Here we go, boss.
We got a Friday,

291
00:15:56,416 --> 00:16:00,208
a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0.
Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.

292
00:16:00,208 --> 00:16:01,666
<i>Darcy, just pick one!</i>

293
00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:03,666
<i>Wunderbar!</i> Werner it is.

294
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:05,375
- Whoa!

295
00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:07,458
Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?

296
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:12,416
Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1.
This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?

297
00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:14,541
<i>- </i>
<i>Is this on?</i>

298
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:19,500
<i>The only difference between
a hero and a villain is good PR.</i>

299
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,625
You see, redemption in this country,
it isn't about penance.

300
00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,375
No, it's about rebranding,

301
00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:27,250
and that Hulk blood
was gonna be my chance.

302
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,833
<i>And then you stole it from me,
Happy Hogan. But don't worry.</i>

303
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:34,791
I will reverse-engineer it
after I dissect your twitching corpse.

304
00:16:34,791 --> 00:16:36,291
Don't let him spook you, Happy.

305
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:39,375
That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan,
I got your girl Friday,

306
00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:41,250
but all I want for Christmas is you.

307
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,541
Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some
solid holiday word play.

308
00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:46,875
Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.

309
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,791
Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.

310
00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:51,000
But I'm adorable.

311
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,708
<i>Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor.
Don't be a hero.</i>

312
00:16:54,708 --> 00:16:57,375
Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.

313
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,083
All right. Let's see what we got here.

314
00:17:02,083 --> 00:17:06,041
Given the weight, no sound,
I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?

315
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:11,041
Oh, my goodness.
The billionaire got Captain America socks.

316
00:17:11,041 --> 00:17:14,708
Wow, the press lied.
These two really do not get along.

317
00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:17,083
Quality socks can be excellent gift.

318
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708
Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar?

319
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,083
Light him up, fellas.

320
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,083
Happy, no!

321
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,125
- Oh!

322
00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:31,375
So, give us some figgy pudding!

323
00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,041
Wha-- "Let it snow?"

324
00:17:35,041 --> 00:17:36,833
Oh, sugar cookies.

325
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:41,500
- What the hell is that?

326
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:43,083
Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?

327
00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:52,875
I think that's Happy Hogan.

328
00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:02,000
Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.

329
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,291
What the hell do you think I pay you for?

330
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,416
Not this.

331
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:09,416
Come on, come on. Yoga room.
Karaoke studio. Really?

332
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:11,333
Avengers armory. Bingo!

333
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:16,333
Uh...

334
00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:22,125
Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.

335
00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:24,291
Crazy, right?
And the party hasn't even started.

336
00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:26,916
Look, if we can reboot JARVIS...

337
00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:28,958
Already on it, Sparrow-1.

338
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:31,500
You said you were counting on me.
That means something.

339
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,875
Hammer's heading to the armory.

340
00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:35,916
I'll handle him. You guys get to work
on the JARVIS reboot.

341
00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:39,416
It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.

342
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,291
Hammer! Hammer!

343
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,583
Oh.

344
00:19:32,041 --> 00:19:36,166
You lost, Hammer. And there's
not gonna be a Christmas miracle.

345
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:39,208
Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.

346
00:19:42,875 --> 00:19:45,125
Oh, my God! It's Santa!

347
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:46,458
He's real.

348
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,666
I'm Santa Claus, baby.

349
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,666
- Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.

350
00:20:02,666 --> 00:20:05,791
We need to gain control of the suit, now.
Upload JARVIS.

351
00:20:05,791 --> 00:20:07,750
Not JARVIS, but German.

352
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,083
This is the worst internship ever.

353
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,791
Come on, Happy.
Don't be like that.

354
00:20:18,791 --> 00:20:20,958
Let's make it quick.
I just need a little slice.

355
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,250
Oh, you'll get a piece of me.

356
00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:34,708
There's no way that Stark is paying you
enough to deal with the Hammer.

357
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,833
Hey, what are you doing?

358
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,500
Nothing?

359
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,625
Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.

360
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:50,750
Oh, Darcy, really?

361
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,500
Oh, that means a lot coming from, well,
someone who's had just so many bosses.

362
00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:01,500
Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.

363
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,250
Damn you, pinwheel of death.
Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.

364
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,083
Huh? That actually worked.

365
00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:11,291
A little trick I picked up interning
for the Culver University IT department.

366
00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:14,000
- Have you ever had an actual paying job?
- Nope.

367
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,333
<i>Guten tag.</i>

368
00:21:26,333 --> 00:21:29,791
Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage
the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.

369
00:21:29,791 --> 00:21:35,125
<i>In the beginning, men controlled machines.
Now, machines control the fate of men.</i>

370
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,125
Yeah, okay, right.
Are you calling the Avengers?

371
00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:42,666
<i>As they say in German, no.</i>

372
00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:47,666
What the hell is this program?
Siri for nihilists?

373
00:21:47,666 --> 00:21:48,791
It sounds like my dad.

374
00:21:48,791 --> 00:21:50,666
Happy, you're on your own.

375
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:59,791
Here's some Muay Thai,
jiujitsu, tae kwon do!

376
00:22:04,708 --> 00:22:06,958
Know when you're beat, freak.

377
00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:08,916
- What?

378
00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:27,458
Son of a nutcracker.
That monster is eating my suit!

379
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250
Huh?

380
00:22:35,750 --> 00:22:38,208
- Bruce, a little help.

381
00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:40,000
No, you guys got this.

382
00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:46,791
Where's Thor?

383
00:22:46,791 --> 00:22:48,083
Is that Happy?

384
00:22:48,083 --> 00:22:49,208
Um, no.

385
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:51,875
What is this thing?

386
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:57,416
No, no, no. He's on the guest list.

387
00:22:57,416 --> 00:23:00,041
Repeat, he is on the guest list.

388
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:04,125
Natasha! It's me.

389
00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:06,458
Oh, my God. Happy?

390
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:07,625
I was right.

391
00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:12,000
This is the good guy, that is the bad guy.

392
00:23:13,958 --> 00:23:15,791
What are you doing with my suit?

393
00:23:15,791 --> 00:23:17,291
Uh, nothing?

394
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833
Um...

395
00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:42,166
You saved me. Why?

396
00:23:42,166 --> 00:23:44,875
It's Christmas, Hammer.
Goodwill towards men.

397
00:23:44,875 --> 00:23:46,625
Even the bad ones.

398
00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:47,708
Huh.

399
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,416
I'm sorry about the party, Tony.
I'm sure insurance will cover most of it.

400
00:23:55,416 --> 00:23:58,500
Are you kidding? You're the only
insurance policy I'll ever need.

401
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,041
Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait.
You do have a cure, don't you?

402
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:02,375
I'm not stuck this way, right?

403
00:24:04,083 --> 00:24:07,166
My head of security, everybody.
How about this guy, right?

404
00:24:07,166 --> 00:24:08,666
- Yeah, Happy.
- Good job, Happy.

405
00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:10,416
- Crushed it, man.
- Bah, humbug.

406
00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:13,583
<i>As for how the rest of
this holiday tale goes,</i>

407
00:24:13,583 --> 00:24:18,583
<i>the tower was safe and secure,
still decked in holly and bows,</i>

408
00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:21,666
<i>when Tony Stark to his team
gave a whistle.</i>

409
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:23,958
I think
I speak for everyone when I say

410
00:24:23,958 --> 00:24:25,291
some food would be beneficial.

411
00:24:25,291 --> 00:24:29,333
My appetite is raging. I can eat
an actual fruitcake after that fight.

412
00:24:29,333 --> 00:24:33,208
<i>But I heard a voice say
as the heroes vanished from sight...</i>

413
00:24:33,208 --> 00:24:36,000
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a..."

414
00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:37,833
Guys?

415
00:24:38,291 --> 00:24:39,666
Oh, I missed the party.

416
00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:44,166
"To all, a good night."

417
00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:51,583
<i>We wish you a merry Christmas</i>

418
00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:58,000
<i>We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year</i>

419
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,000
<i>We wish you a merry Christmas</i>

420
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,333
<i>We wish you a merry Christmas</i>

421
00:25:04,333 --> 00:25:10,875
<i>We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year</i>

422
00:25:10,875 --> 00:25:17,083
<i>Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin</i>

423
00:25:17,083 --> 00:25:23,208
<i>Glad tidings at Christmas
and a happy new year</i>

424
00:25:23,208 --> 00:25:25,416
<i>We wish you a swinging Christmas</i>

425
00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:29,791
<i>We wish you a crazy Christmas</i>

426
00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:35,666
<i>We wish you a naughty Christmas
and a frantic new year</i>

427
00:26:01,375 --> 00:26:02,458
<i>Yeah</i>

428
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,916
<i>All right.</i>

429
00:26:29,916 --> 00:26:32,625
<i>Good Queen Darcy last looked down</i>

430
00:26:32,625 --> 00:26:35,125
<i>On the feast of Steve Rogers</i>

431
00:26:35,125 --> 00:26:37,666
<i>When the snow lay on the ground</i>

432
00:26:37,666 --> 00:26:40,208
<i>Something, something, something</i>

433
00:26:40,208 --> 00:26:45,041
<i>Thor has a giant neck
It is full of muscles</i>

434
00:26:45,041 --> 00:26:51,291
<i>He's just a little schmoopy noodle
Going through the cosmos</i>

435
00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:57,791
<i>Happy Holidays!
Make up dumb songs for money.</i>