Kids' day.
Once every year, the employees bring their kids to the office
so that they get to know what their parents do all day at work.
But I can't handle kids.
However, I'll need to do that after marriage, so..
It's like net practice.
Two copies of this.
Pammi.. after the wedding who will play rummy and will grow her..
Even Sunny Leone doesn't wear such dark red lipstick.
Sir, please not today. ‐ Why?
What is it today? No jokes day?
Only veg jokes day. ‐ Why?
Kids have come. ‐ So?
They aren't mine.
It's not like I don't like kids.
But bringing kids to an adults‐only office..
I mean, we don't do any childish work here.
Like, serious 'adulterous' meetings happen here.
We crack non‐veg jokes.
Do police officers take their kids to work?
Look, son. This is how we do encounters.
Yeah, you fire, too.
Copy, please.
Sir?
Say something to them.
Why are you forcing me?
Okay.
Kids, myself Jagdeep Chaddha Uncle.
I'm the manager of Wilkins Chawla Faridabad branch.
And I'm.. ‐ Shut up!
Do you know what's a branch manager?
Okay, let me tell you.
Suppose this is a school.
Then what am I? The principal.
And your parents are my naughty students.
Now tell me.
Whom shall I punish?
Tell me.
Doraemon will come and tickle you.
Hi, Shakti. ‐ Say good morning to didi.
For you. ‐ Hey..
She's shy.
Hey, Shakti..
Hello, Ms. Future of the nation. ‐ Hi.
Having 'Hing' cola?
First, tell me what do you call 'Hing' in English?
I don't know. Do you know? ‐ Yes.
Asafoetida.
'Asa.. fatega'.
'Asa.. foetida'. ‐ Come..
Come on. Asafoetida.. As..
So, what Dad does in this office is..
He's got file cabinet. He's got one that
doesn't open. Second one.
Opens.
Ledger, take.
This is very interesting. Everything's inside.
And..
It is so many files.
I think Seema likes sports.
Tennis, basketball.
Now she's learning computer.
If she gets one, she doesn't stop playing around with it.
Seema.. Everything is open.. Seema..
Your Majesty, your file.
Chaddha? ‐ Yes?
You must've met my daughter, Haseen. ‐ Yeah. Of course.
She's grown up so much since last year.
Tension time, huh, Saleem?
What do you mean? ‐ I mean..
Teenage years and dad's worries.
Her hormones must be raging.
Chaddha, she's only 15.
Yeah. Yes.
Sweet 15.
Nice age..
No, I don't want to be a daddy. I want to be a fun uncle.
Funcle.
You know, the one with whom you smoke your first cigarette.
The one who passes you a peg under the table during a wake.
That's me.
Jagdeep Chaddha Funcle.
So, that ace maplitho problem..
There's no problem, sir.
The client is just asking if the papers are uncoated or wood‐free..
So.. Arnab!
Shut up, oldie.
Sir.. Sorry, sir.
Arnab?
Mom?
Arnab, I'm going to beat you up. Arnab!
I couldn't manage Arnab from the start.
He was born quite a few years after my wedding.
So, I lost practice
of raising kids.
Arnab!
Arnab, that's ink, not 'Kala Khatta'.
Keep these biscuits here.
This is the conference room.
Hey. What do we say to aunties?
May I help you? ‐ Yes.
No thanks. Your hands are very small.
I mean, if you drop the crockery, I won't be able to shout at you.
Baby, let's..
No, come here. Come here, my cutie potato. Come here.
So cute.
What's your name? ‐ Come, let's go.
Baby..
She's so cute, right?
I feel like eating her with ketchup.
Don't you want kiddies? ‐ No.
You don't want kiddies?
No problem. I'll have your share also.
Two plus two four.
So much fun.
Kitty and I, we got together just for fun, right?
But for Kitty, fun means wedding
and having a lot of kids.
For me, fun is like, you know, maybe there's a little bit of booze
maybe there's some nose candy, you know, to get things going like..
And, you know, like, maybe I'm in my car..
You know, I'm in my car and there's some good music on
like EDM is playing.
You know, and I'm driving my car and, like, suddenly you hear a..
you know, you hear a siren. Police is after me.
And you can just sense it, you know.
They are following me, like, crash!
Crash! I've crashed.
Because of the car chase.
And they put me in jail. Like, go to jail.
Then, my dad comes. My dad comes and he's like
'Hey, I've come to bail you. Aren't you ashamed, son?'
And I'm like, 'Yeah, Dad. I'm ashamed, but it's done now. So, like, it's cool.'
Now, that's fun.
That's fun. Yeah.
If Mehta sa'ab didn't order, then..
Where did you come from?
Mehta sa'ab, not you. I wouldn't say that to you.
Not that. Put it back.
Not that cat. Mehta sa'ab, I'll call you later. Just a minute.
What's her name? You don't know.
Hello, Madhukar's daughter. Where did she go?
Hey!
Seema, right?
Your dad was saying that you like crafts.
Shall we draw with pencil shavings?
This is not school. I'm not in school.
Today, even if one kid likes me, I'm done.
Just one kid.
Hey, what are you reading?
Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer.
Wow! That's my favourite novel.
Have you read Huckleberry Finn?
That's even more fun.
No. ‐ No?
You know, I have an idea.
I know a website where you can download all these books.
You want some? ‐ Yes, sure. ‐ Come.
Hi, Amit.
Hi, Seema.
Seema, lovely name. Come, sit.
Yes.. Mehta sa'ab, I'm sorry. That time..
No, I have all the time in the world for you.
I can talk to you for months.
Oh, yes.
No. Nothing happened.
Not that. Not you, Mehta sa'ab.
Mehta sa'ab, I'll do one thing. I'll call you back in a while.
Yeah, sorry. Kid! Not that. Give that to me. It's mine.
Sorry. You play with this one.
This is fun.
Or look at this.
Look what this is. What is this?
Paper punch. No. Its name is..
Mr. Chompo.
My favourite food is
paper. Look at this. Paper.
He ate all the paper. Where's the paper?
Look here. There it is.
What shall we do with it?
Welcome to Air India.
You can come this side.
And there you go.
Thank you, Amit Uncle.
Ahh!
Tough girl.
Aah.
'Aah, ooh.' What is this?
He's lying.
Hey, T. P. ‐ What?
Girl, come here.
I'll give you real knowledge.
Come on. In the name of the Lord
breathe in and put all your force here. Come on.
Come on, Seema.
That's enough.
Enough.
This is nothing.
Now, it's my turn.
Keep your hand steady.
Hail Guru Natha Nath! ‐ T. P., please!
The one who feels pain is not a man.
Hey! What are you doing?
I want to use the Net. I'm bored. I want to watch that new movie.
This is the office Wi‐Fi. You can't use it for these silly things.
But oldie watches soaps on her computer all the time.
Why don't you say anything to her?
Arnab, shut up. Or else, I'm going to slap you.
Sarla ji, these are office rules..
You call your respected mother 'oldie'?
With love, dude.
You'll call me 'T. P. ji'. Got it?
'P.P. ji'? ‐ 'T. P. ji'.
Okay, listen. Tell me what kind of P. P. is it? Horn sound or..
Okay, bye, P. P. ji.
P.P.. ‐ Hey! Not this..
Hey, no. ‐ Not this one. Rascal.
Okay, bye, P. P.
P.P..
Idiot, cultureless child.
Oh, yeah. Okay, sure. ‐ It's okay.
I really like coffee.
Ice macchiato, that's my favourite.
I can have like a million of them every day.
Okay, cool.
Wingers?
It's the best place for coffee you know.
Sorry, what? ‐ Wingers?
That's the best. ‐ Wingers? ‐ Yeah. ‐ I don't know.
You don't know Wingers?
Oh, my God! That's..
You know what? Do one thing, just give me your number.
And I'll just call you whenever I go there next.
It's just..
Hey! Somebody is stealing my jacket from my desk.
Sapan, listen, just..
Okay, tell me about your playlist. ‐ I don't play. I..
I don't play at all. I don't..
Don't let Haseen be alone?
No, sir, because
actually, in this office
some people, like
they're very free.
How dare you?
If I see you with my daughter again, you're going to get it from me.
You think you're a hero?
Just one second, Sapan Gill..
It'll take just a second for me to turn you from hero to zero, got it?
Saleem Ghilani is my name. Understand?
The name of the quiz is
'Solve It Yourself, Kids'.
Okay? So first question.
Now, tell me..
Who invented the computer?
British mathematician Benedict Cumber..
No, sorry. Alan Turing.
One more English hoax.
Minus 15.
Computer was invented by ancient Indians.
Got it? ‐ But..
But they didn't even have electricity.
That's the saddest part.
If they had electricity
we just had to push the power button and today
the history of the world would have been quite different.
Next question.
What is it that we put in our ears and listen to devotional hymns?
P.P., MP3 player, man. ‐ Yes.
Who invented MP3 player?
Definitely some Indian.
Very good. ‐ Thank you. ‐ But who was it?
Yo Yo Honey Singh? Badshah? ‐ Minus 20!
'Yo Honey Singh.'
MP3 was invented
during the days of Mahabharata.
It was made when King Dhritarashtra wanted
to listen to the war commentary.
That was the first MP3 player.
Whoa! T. P., what are you teaching them?
I'm teaching history to these kids.
History? ‐ Hundred percent believable history.
Just wait and watch, in the coming days
they'll have it in their textbooks. ‐ Okay, T. P.
Go, your time is up. Okay?
Go, P. P. ‐ 'T. P.' ‐ Yeah. Go, P. P.
Take lunch orders for the kids.
Who likes pizza?
Me! ‐ For me! ‐ Double.. Double cheese!
Handling kids is an art.
And I'm a child artist.
If I see even one packet of chilli flakes missing
then I'll return the whole consignment.
Got it?
My life partner will be the one
who can discipline naughty kids.
Like I do.
I mean my neighbours' kids.
Not mine.
Because I don't like kids.
Okay, kids. I'll show you something interesting.
Come.. this side.
Let's see what your moms and dads do.
Look at this. This is our company's paper.
You guys make paper? ‐ No, we don't make it.
But those who do, sell it to us.
But I buy papers from a stationery shop.
Yes, we sell it to them.
For a higher price, of course.
But this is cheating, right? ‐ No.
Cheating? Why?
Because we can buy them online at a cheaper price and..
And you're just a middleman.
Just a minute..
If we don't sell it for a higher price
then how will your parents get a salary?
The clothes that you're wearing, the pizza which you all love so much.
'Double cheese.. with cucumber..' ‐ Hey! T. P., what are you doing?
Do you want to scare them?
Let's go from here, okay? Yes? T. P., you go.
Bye, P. P.
Bye. ‐ P. P.
Bye. ‐ 'T. P.'
Bye, P. P. ‐ Bye. ‐ P. P.
Sir, 'T. P.' ‐ P. P., man, come on.
Bye, P. P.
'T.P.'
Hey, Sapan. Kids are waiting, man.
Do you know? When I was your age
I came on TV. ‐ Lie.
No, really.
I swear. There was..
There was a show called 'Khelo Khilone'.
In one of the ep.. Why am I saying it?
I'll show you.
Bhadoria, go home and tell my mom
to give you the VHS of 'Khelo Khilone, Gittu Special'.
And bring the player, too.
But, sir, I have lunch duty. ‐ What duty?
I can go..
Chaddha sir?
Can I go with Sapan? ‐ Okay.
Sir, I'm going. I'll go, and I'll go alone.
You kids.. You kids have fun. Yeah? Bye. ‐ Okay.
Thank you, Sapan.
Let me show you.
Double cheese pizza. What do kids want in life?
Pizza.
Love.
And freedom.
There is a saying..
'If you love someone, set them free.'
We need to set kids free.
If they come back, then they're yours.
If they don't come back, they're your neighbour's.
Okay.
Ladies, gentlemen and adults.
Presenting..
Jagdeep 'Hidden Talent' Chaddha's childhood debut.
Play..
'Khelo Khilone, Gittu Special'.. Hey, not like that..
Have you not seen a VHS tape before?
Play. ‐ "If you touch her, she gets scared.." ‐ Shalu didi!
Look, it's Shalu didi. The show's hostess.
She used to love us kids.
You can't see much, but her figure was the best. ‐ Manoj. ‐ Oh, man.
Isn't that the cricketer, Manoj Rohira?
Oh, yeah. ‐ That's him. ‐ Maybe.
Wow! ‐ He was such a cute kid.
Okay, tell me. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Cricketer. ‐ Wow!
Wow! What a farsighted kid.
This is boring. ‐ No, sir, it's good.
Let me forward this.
Yes. This. Guess who?
Who is it? ‐ Guess.
Okay, tell me. What do you want to become when you grow up?
I'll get married and make one hundred babies.
Why? ‐ So that I can have many friends
and they wouldn't say no to playing with me.
Do you have a hundred kids?
Who could have a hundred kids? ‐ King Dhritarashtra.
So, did you get married? ‐ No.
I didn't get married. ‐ How many kids do you have in total?
None. ‐ Do you have a girlfriend?
I have.
No.. I..
I'm usually busy.. with work.. So..
In fact, I remembered..
I have a lot of work right now. So, see you later, crocodile.
He is neither coming out nor letting anyone go inside.
He must be missing Shalu didi.
May I?
All these things that you gave to Shakti..
Thanks for that.
No, it's okay.
She can keep them. ‐ Trust me, Jagdeep.
This watch and medical insurance card
are not of any use to her.
But thanks.
All okay?
You had to ask me
an HR‐like question? ‐ Yes.
P.P..
P.P., move aside, I need to go. ‐ My name is T. P. Mishra. T. P. Mishra.
Do you understand? ‐ Get lost, you idiot.
Or else I'll bash you.
'Idiot'?
and you're calling me an idiot?
This is why you're flunking in the same class for 3 years.
Duffer. Duffer child. Duffer.
O‐O‐oldie.. ‐ Yes.
Yes. That's what stupid kids call their respected mother.
Duffer. You're a duffer. ‐ Mummy!
What do you think? Can I still be a daddy?
Are you asking medically? ‐ No..
No, man. Age. ‐ Yeah.
But before that, you must get married.
Maybe Riya. ‐ No, man. All that.. let it be.
Even Karan Johar didn't get married.
He has two kids, right. ‐ Surrogacy is an option. Yes.
But, you know, I want fair kids.
And light eyes like Hrithik Roshan.
It's better if the kid has light hair too.
Where will I get those?
I don't know. May I go? ‐ Yeah..
Listen, Madhu.
Does Shakti have a favourite uncle?
Yeah, there is. My younger brother. Sudhakar.
Yeah. I mean some cool uncle type.
He becomes a kid when he is with Shakti.
Okay, cool.
See you.
Can I take one? ‐ Hi.
Of course. ‐ Thanks.
Nice haircut.
Thanks. Actually, I want to pierce my ears too, but Mom doesn't allow me.
Paper clips? ‐ What?
Your mom won't like it at all.
Try it.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Yes.
Jagdeep Chaddha is joining a matrimonial site
with a new exciting ID
so that it's clear
what kind of a relationship I want to be in.
So..
Childlover92.
Amit Uncle. Oh, sorry, bro. ‐ Yes?
Will you come to our house tonight for dinner?
Wow, Seema. Thank you so much.
But I can't come tonight. Can I come tomorrow?
Okay? ‐ Why?
What's so important today, man?
Tonight, I'm going out for dinner.
With someone.
May I come? ‐ Even I'll come. ‐ No, I'm fine.
Hey! Buddies..
How can you go before the grand finale?
Wait. T. P., get your flute.
Do you think Chaddha sir was ever a musician?
Yes.
In his school's marching band.
Did you know in school..
There is a poem, by Mirza Ghalib, I think.
'Children have the purest heart'
to which I've added something.
'Children have the purest heart.'
'Sweet and sour'
'like raw mangoes.'
I love life.
Love kids.
Love mangoes.
First game, first set.