- Run, buggers, run! - Oh, shit!
Run like you ran in 1947, buggers!
That's just rude!
That wasn't so tough, was it?
Mr. White, you are now safe and under the protection
of Her Majesty's government.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I can't wait to get back to good ol' London!
Don't worry.
These Indian criminals are not very...
efficient.
- Go, go, go! - Call it in.
Agents Tea and Crumpets to extraction.
We are onto Plan D.
We need wood, kerosene, sponges, and a fresh lime soda.
What? I'm thirsty.
Die, you English pigs!
- Die! - Jesus!
I really hate this guy.
Go, Go, Go!
Let's go.
Hi, Jimmy.
It's you, men.
Hi, Rosie.
What are you doing?
Murder!
Rascal!
See you, men.
Murder!
I love you.
Love you too.
Penises.
Jimmy.
Your time is come, men.
The gravy on your fish curry--
Wait...
I need to sweep the floor.
Oh, sure, go ahead.
Hold this.
Okay, it's done.
Take her phone number.
Yes, sir.
Right, so...
So, what was I saying?
Sir, fish gravy.
Yes!
The gravy on your fish curry has dried!
Now you die.
No!
Did it hit?
It hit!
Oh, shit!
Sir...
I got hit.
I'll torch the car.
Sir!
Sakhubai!
No!
Sorry, sir!
I wasn't...
able to do the washing up.
Sakhubai...
Don't touch!
Sakhubai, it's okay.
It's not your fault.
Your Hindi will kill me before this bullet.
Flavia!
Flavia...
Where are you, Flavia?
Flavia...
My love.
Bloody nonsense! What is this, Jimmy?
I just mopped the entire house!
Do you know how much bleach it takes to clean blood?!
Flavia, I'm dying, Flavia.
So? How many times have I told you,
if you want to die, do it outside the house!
Also, didn't I tell you to bring sausages on your way home from work?
Did you bring them? Did you?
- You forgot again, didn't you? - Yeah.
You're lucky you're good in bed.
All you think about is yourself.
Only office, office, office!
- If you die tomorrow, - Flavia...
you'll take the office with you to heaven?
Not tomorrow...
I'm dying today, Flavia.
When you are mopping the floor...
use the homemade bleach I made for you.
And my Diwali bonus,
if you can give me that today, please.
Well,
that won't be possible.
Why?
Well, Diwali isn't for
another three months.
And...
- Well, you are... - Yes.
True.
Forget that! Watch this!
What, man!
Yeah.
Watch, it will go now.
- Papa! - Papa!
My boys...
My loins...
Papa, you told me you would bring Busen gum from the market.
Bastards, does anyone care that I'm dying here, or what!
Papa!
There's a tattoo inside the wrapper.
- Yeah. - Oh, yes.
Putah...
I'm dying, man.
- No. - No.
Yes.
That means
one of you
will become The Don.
One of you will become
"The Bhai."
But we are already brothers.
What do they teach you in private schools?
Listen.
One of you two
will wear this ring.
And will handle all of this.
Extortion, kidnapping, all of it.
Waxing parlor. All of it.
Oh, my princess.
Papa loves you.
You go from here, Mama.
You go.
Don't get involved in all of this--
Papa's going to die.
- Papa, no! - Papa, no!
Kitchen...
What?
In the kitchen...
Kitchen?
Look after...
Thank you.
Not you.
There we go!
We did the right thing!
Morning, Mary.
Fuck off, Dennis!
Sir, here's the file that you requested.
Sir, the local police are already looking into it.
No, this is important!
We must activate the local Indian team immediately.
Wasn't that disbanded?
Yes.
A long time ago?
Right, leave me with this.
Thank you, Midge.
It's Mary.
Hello. Are you alright?
Alright, men.
You got the cash?
Look, it's almost time.
Be ready.
Ready, men.
Is it definitely him?
Yes.
Send him.
- I want Happy. - Sure.
Nice.
It looks lovely, son.
Except...
you forgot this.
The trigger.
Oh, God!
I want to shoot myself, Dads.
But I can't.
There's no trigger.
No.
You can still make it work.
You can bash somebody's head in with it,
or shatter a shin bone.
Am I a failure, Dads?
No, listen. No, listen.
I'm 34.
I failed the MI7 exams six times.
Seven times.
I got two special agents for fathers,
and I can't even put a bloody gun together.
This is...
Some of the best agents...
They don't need guns.
Did you know?
One time in Marrakesh, your dad--
You?
Oh, no. Your other dad.
Seb took out a drug lord with nothing more
than a pack of ribbons and a really frisky camel.
Swear she was KGB.
Yeah, but that was you,
isn't it, Dads?
You've got something that you're...
you're just great at.
I feel like I'm broken.
Something's missing. I...
I feel like I don't know who I am.
Oh, Happy,
you're the best ballet dancer for miles.
You make beautiful sandwiches.
You're perfect just the way you are.
Oh, God! You're bloody starving, aren't you?
No, no, no.
- Oh, I could do with a sandwich. - I could do...
- You're talking my language. - I'll go get the shop open.
Hey, Packerwal, man!
Nathan. Eat, men.
- Hello, welcome to Mamareal Products. - Bagheera, yes.
IF YOU'VE GOT THE EVIL EYE, THIS IS YOUR OFFICE.
Listen, my fairness cream is not working.
Beatrice to Mama's office. Beatrice to Mama's office.
MAMA DON OF PANJOR
Update, men.
Mama, International Supermodel Milind Morea's contract
has been sent to his manager.
How long will the formula take to get ready?
We're working as fast as we can, but...
It's taken me ten years of planning,
and my business model is finally ready.
FMCG meets crime.
WHITENESS INR 399 ONLY
Hey, Clinton!
What is this?
He looks like a ghost.
We need to make Indian's white,
not like ghosts.
Chemical trials take time.
Actually, I'm really happy with the results.
- Dating apps have been off the hook-- - Shut up!
I need three months.
Actually, it seems like a really fair timeline--
Get the formula ready.
Or what happens to Clinton,
happens to you.
I'm... already white.
- Gomez! - Yes, Mama?
Papa's gun.
Gomez? Mama?
Gomez, please, bro.
Gomez, no.
Not cool!
You will never get away with this, Mama!
My country will send someone to rescue me!
Chap-A-Chino!
Find your chap, take off his chinos!
Hello, Roger!
Kenneth Mole?
It's been forever.
How are things at old 7?
Oh, you know, immigration, Brexit,
Rishi Sunak, can't complain!
And how are things with you?
Cock-a-mundo doing well?
It's Chap-A-Chino!
Listen, I wanted to talk to you about your son, Happy.
We've had some fieldwork open up in India.
India?
No.
Oh, come on, Rog.
You know he's got that special agent blood in him.
Well, not really considering he's adopted.
Well, listen, we'll make him an agent.
A quick turnaround. So exciting!
He can speak Hindi, right?
No!
He doesn't know he's from...
India.
He dances, and he cooks, and that's all he knows.
Hang on.
He's never asked why he's--
Goodbye, Kenneth.
I'm...
from India?
Fuck off!
I'm from India!
Wait, I'm from India?
I need to sweep the floor.
That's the full story, Happy.
So when the kids at school called me a Paki,
it was kind of true.
That's Pakistani.
You're Indian.
They're not the same.
And then at Uni,
when that girl, Priya...
She put her hand in my pants.
Was that an Indian thing?
I liked it.
Was that...
- an Indian thing? - No.
That was wrong.
Is it hot there?
Yeah.
You do not have to go to India.
Not for us.
I'm not going to India for you,
Dad... s.
I'm going back.
What's my real name?
- Your biological mother was-- - Sakhubai Patel.
So that makes you Happy Patel.
Happy...
Patel?
Sounds special.
There can't be that many Patels...
right?
Yeah.
Happy, my old boy.
Welcome to MI7.
First things first, you'll be learning Hindi
at the Southall School of Languages.
So study up.
And I'll see you in three weeks.
Is that enough time, sir?
I mean, Hindi seems like a complicated language.
Well, it's time we don't have,
and your life is about to get a lot more complicated,
Agent Patel.
Seems that this is going to be a Hindi movie from now on.
Oh, wow!
Excuse me?
Namaste.
Oh, my God!
The first rule of Indian food.
Don't look for the spoon.
There is no spoon!
- Use your hands! - Sorry.
All Indian ladies love the arm-spreading.
This is your mating call.
Alright then,
seduce me.
But I'm a virgin.
Are you a man?
Or a small child?
- Like this? - Wider.
You open.
They'll open.
Hello, jaaneman!
In big cities like this, small things keep happening.
Raj...
The name you must have heard?
Oh.
How much is it?
150.
I'll give you...
Who's Tom, fucker?
Hey! I'm Tom. Nice to meet you.
In 1947,
we quit India.
At the time, India contributed to 27% of Britain's total GDP.
So we asked ourselves.
How can we profit from India
even though we are outside India?
The answer was simple.
Indians.
- Indians? - Yes.
Colonialism, sociological manipulation, and
due to plain strange obsession,
Indians love white skin.
Apparently, the chances of marriage increase.
Don't know why.
I quite prefer chocolate myself.
For approximately 60 years,
the English government has invested in Fair and Fantastic.
India's biggest fairness cream brand.
The name of this project is
International Management Undertaking for the Monetization of Indians.
Short form, IMUMI.
- Its annual revenue ranges - IMUMI.
between 300 and 400 million pounds.
Fuck Off!
Sorry.
Go fuck yourself.
Beatrice Fefferbaum has been kidnapped.
She's a dermatological scientist.
Her formula is so potent
that fairness creams show results in just 21 days.
Like most white people, she recently went to India
to "find herself."
You'll have to blend in with the Indians
and get Beatrice Fefferbaum back home
as quickly as possible.
To blend in with the Indians,
you will have to change the way you look.
That's why we've got India's number one barber for you.
You are India's...
No.1 barber?
It's nice to meet you.
Bakul.
Buckle?
He's not ready.
India's not ready.
We've reached.
How much?
Three...
thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine rupees.
You're fucking me off?
What did you say, motherfucker?
I won't give you that much.
Fifty.
Two thousand.
Fifty!
- Thousand! - Fifty!
- You're-- - Fifty.
- Your-- - Fifty!
Fifty.
Thank you.
NRI Bastard.
Agent Patel,
Beatrice's last known location was in Panjor.
Once you reach, you will have to go to Geet's Palace of Food.
Oh, wow.
Geet may not look like much,
and he isn't.
Unfortunately, he's our local coordinator.
You know, budget constraints.
Welcome to Geet's Palace of Food...
when you're "geeting" hungry.
Hi.
How many people are with you?
Oh, just... Just one.
One minute.
I'm sorry.
We're full.
You'll have to wait a little.
That's fine.
How long?
Ninety days.
Ninety days?
Three months?
I wanted ice with this, Patro. Ice.
- Asshole. - What?
Alright...
I heard...
your buffalo
likes magical juice from a crow
to drink.
You...
Oh...
And the most powerful way to extract information...
Chai.
Namaste.
Agent Patil, we have been waiting for you.
My name is Patel.
Your room has been booked.
My eggs have been cooked?
Be professional.
Your eggs are your concern.
Wait, what the hell are you talking about?
I was saying, your room is booked and ready.
Oh, nice. Thank you.
How long?
Three inches.
I was talking about the booking.
Two months.
That's rather long.
- Really? - Booking.
So, where's our new English dish?
This is Roxy, my local coordinator.
In India, do local coordinators also have their own coordinators?
Employment.
Roxy will take you to your house.
Let's go, Dev Patel.
This way...
Could you hang on just one second?
I just... I have to.
There. Now try it.
Nice.
First time in India?
Well...
That's what I thought,
but turns out I was born here.
My mum...
she was Indian.
And my dads...
I've got two. They are British.
- Do you know where Britain is? - Listen, coconut.
You need to leave Britain behind you.
You're in Goa now.
Oh, God!
Alright.
All of India comes to Goa to be happy.
You should be happy now since you are in Goa.
I mean, you are in India.
And India... is inside you.
Got it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, Roxy! When will I get my CPU back?
It'll come. These things take time.
- Hello. - Hey.
- I'm inside you. - What?
- Well-- - Fuck off!
NRI Bastard.
- I do repair work. - Oh.
Mobiles, circuit, screen guard, AI.
Roxy Repairs.
Nice.
And what's happening over there?
Oh, that?
That's an everyday thing. The whole of Panjor pays extortion to Mama.
And who's Mama?
- Come on, come on, come on! - What? I'm--
Are you crazy?
I'm sorry. Did you see that? That was creepy as hell.
- Who's Tom? - Hi, I'm Tom.
- I was wondering, do you have-- - Jonas, go away!
You can't say things like that here.
What? Like, Mama?
Shut up!
- This is your new house. - Oh.
What do you think?
I'm just a little scared that the roof shouldn't fall on me at night!
Well, whatever it is, it's a house.
No, Roxy, I didn't mean that.
- I just-- - Chill.
Anyway, the real Panjor is not inside this room.
You'll find it outside the window.
Yeah.
Alright...
Right.
Right...
Oh! A broom.
Okay, man.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for D'Costa Communications' third store opening, man,
please give a warm round of applause to Panjor's number one dancer,
beautiful, dazzling,
smashing, the scintillating,
the sensuous,
Miss Rupa!
You can all go to hell!
You all run behind Katrina, don't you?
Desperate, cheap Vicky, all of you!
Local artists get fuck all support these days!
- I love you. - Scram!
What?
Bugger! I'll kill you, man!
O Lord.
Hey.
- God... - I've been missing Papa more than ever.
I don't even know, you are the right God...
what with me being Indian and all.
My two brothers died.
Got killed.
Fine. I murdered them.
But I do know this.
Something is brewing inside me.
And if it isn't food poisoning, and it probably is.
My colon...
is going to burst.
Once my Mamareal launches,
I'll leave this world of crime behind me, men.
Only necessary murders.
I think,
here...
my life is going to change.
So thanks.
Promise.
It's fresh.
- How much? - 20 for three. I'll give you four.
I told you.
- Roxy? Hi. - I was the one who made him go viral.
Hi. Buying vegetables?
Oh, my God.
This place
is magical.
Cool. Breakfast?
This is your breakfast?
Yeah, every morning.
What?
No!
Come with me.
Hi.
Where?
Yeah.
Wow.
This is my own recipe.
I really like it
when I put some cinnamon inside.
Good for you.
I'm heterosexual.
But the food's good.
Hello?
Oh. Hey, Geet.
The Kashmiri bears know how to cook black leopard sweets.
What?
Where's that codebook gone?
What book?
Our investigation begins today.
Look at this.
It was written in a hurry.
Written with one hand.
She wrote us a message
in a short period of time, and that is...
M?
- But "M" could be anything. - I know.
- Someone's name? - Mohit.
- A place's name? - Maldives.
A politician's name?
It's probably none of those things.
You know, Geet, the problem is
we are only seeing this "M."
We've got to go wider!
Daddy!
What?
Geet, focus, man! Alright?
A girl has been kidnapped...
She's scared.
She used her cough to write this
dirty "M" on the white wall...
The wall!
It's white...
- Beatrice was white. - Yes.
Where in Goa can we find white people?
Ghode or white people?
Namaste.
Breathe deeply,
and release your chakra.
Vladimir! Vladimir!
You are now a Communist!
Yeah!
Geet, you get spoons in India?
Yeah. So?
I was lied to.
Never mind.
Food is good.
Yeah, it's got...
flavor.
Geet! Oh, my God, it's got flavor!
- What? - Let's get back to her house.
The food...
Your stomach's not full?
This dry sorpotel.
It's taste...
It's the same taste as the wedding.
One person has cooked both of these dishes.
We have to find the caterer of that wedding.
Let me check.
Marco,
the wedding that was happening in Villa Aldona,
who's the caterer?
Geet...
I found out.
The wedding catering was done by--
Mama's.
Alright, Geet,
this could get dangerous.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
You go.
What?
Geet, you are my backup.
Actually, I'm just a tourist.
Go away, man!
Geet, the problem isn't outside.
I need you inside.
Daddy.
Sleazy coward!
MAY GOD BLESS YOU
What's your order?
Today's specials are fish curry and rice--
I'm... looking for a girl.
I have a photograph.
Photography is not allowed.
No, I mean, I have a photograph...
Have you seen this girl anywhere?
Wait.
Alright.
Hi.
The chef said, no photo.
And no food, too.
What's that tattoo on your... It's--
Get out, get out!
What? Oh, come on!
Look, you!
Happy?
- Went well? - Geet...
Hey!
Geet, you take a lunch break,
I'll see you back at the restaurant.
Sure.
Hey.
Dancing girl.
Hi.
My name is Happy.
Yours?
- Rupa. - Rupa?
Nice.
I saw you dance yesterday.
Oh, my God,
it's beautiful.
You have amazing...
flow.
Audience was...
Traitors all of them.
Yeah, Andrew Tates. I hate those guys.
I've got to go.
No, no, no, hang on.
One minute...
Training.
Child.
Have you lost your mind?
There were no tidal waves in your ocean of youth?
Hey, I'll bury you in a ditch!
Oh.
Hang on.
I'm new here.
Would...
you like to go...
for dinner with me?
I'm not Tom, I'm Rupa.
I know, I'm not Tom, you're Rupa.
- What? - I have no idea.
Are you hungry?
Actually, it's really hard to get a reservation here.
But the owner's a friend, so...
Where are you from?
Who's really from anywhere, right?
You know, but-- Why are we talking about me?
Let's talk about you.
Dancing must be very...
hard, right?
So?
Just because it's hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
Life is hard.
Dance is freedom.
Oh, wow!
What are you looking at?
I just feel like, inside my stomach,
loads of butterflies are flying around.
- What? - Shit.
How about this...
My heart, it sings a thousand words
I feel eternal bliss
No drop of rain
No glowing flame
Has ever been so pure!
One minute, one minute.
- Can feel-- - One minute.
Stop.
- Lagaan, right? - Yes.
Finally, I understood something.
You're going soft, aren't you?
You can.
But you aren't the only one.
Oh, God! No, don't eat that.
Bastard! Don't you have a mother or sister at home?
Oh!
Sorry.
No, no, it's fine.
I really liked it.
You know, I mean, you are strong,
and your hand is small, but heavy.
So well done, you.
It was a reflex action.
Can we try one more time?
You may have to do it a couple of times.
You have guts?
I have guts.
Good one, yeah.
So listen,
I really enjoyed that.
I was thinking, maybe next time I can cook for you?
- Because this food is, well-- - Listen.
I have to go.
What? No. You, you...
But...
I...
These ladies!
Can't live with them...
Alright.
Today, she...
slapped me so many times.
And then, without any explanation, she just walked off.
I feel like...
A lady of the night.
That too,
a free one!
I mean, I was going to say "foolish."
I don't feel like "the wife."
Happy, listen.
I know
our investigation
is probably going to fail.
Probably?
Definitely.
But whatever happens,
we are having fun.
I felt really lonely...
but now I'm feeling happy...
ever since you came to Panjor.
Thank you, Happy.
Geet.
Listen.
You are not alone.
Alright?
And your ears...
They are so beautiful.
Just like a king's ears--
No, you've got all sleazy again.
Goodnight, Geet.
You put in salt. And how much salt?
Salt to taste.
Gomez.
Update, men.
International Supermodel Milind Morea's contract
has been rejected by his manager.
But we are sending a new version.
This is the third contract, right?
Bloody celebrities!
- Yes, Peter? - A foreigner came in and...
was asking about her.
You know what to do.
It's a simple recipe.
No, actually, life is simple.
Food should be allowed to be difficult at times, right?
- Spicy. - So, let's do one thing.
I have taken some meat here.
Nathan?
You hungry?
I mean, such a strong hand
slapped me so many times on the same cheek.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Namaste.
Where is the house?
Oh, yeah.
Indian mattresses...
are super body-fitting.
Body
poking?
- What?! - Move!
Idiot!
My mattress...
is a man-tress?
We've come from Mama.
We've all come from a mama.
No!
Not that mama.
We've come from "the" Mama.
In Indian fighting, no punches.
Only words.
Words of insult to the opposition's family.
Thank you.
- Your mother-- - You...
One minute.
- What? - The Mama?
Or
my personal mom?
I don't know, man. Everyone's mama, I guess.
Yeah. It's quite a broad insult, right?
- Thank you. - What shall we do, Sailesh?
Who's Sailesh?
Beat him?
- Are you Sailesh? - Yes.
Hey! Hang on!
You guys are goons, right?
So...
all of you cannot attack at once.
Rules of "Rohit Shetty Combat."
One by one.
Yeah?
- There's no rule like that. - What?
You--
Oh, fuck my liver!
Get him!
Hey!
What?
Oh, I can't breathe.
Peter.
Peter, where are you?
- Come with me. Hurry! - Roxy? Hi.
Shut it off!
Happy, run!
Where?
R... Roxy?
Hello?
Roxy!
Happy, jump from the window!
I don't know-- What?
Donkey's dick!
Where is he?
Happy, are you alive?
You should have said which window!
Are you okay?
I think my tailbone is broken.
Oh, I'm so happy I came here.
Oh, hang on.
Vomit...
Come. You owe me a new mask.
You saved my life.
My mum and dad
passed away,
and Geet has looked after me ever since.
He paid my school fees too.
He told me to protect you.
Is this your house?
You live alone here?
Go to sleep.
See.
This is a good mattress.
- Good night, Roxy. - Good night, Happy.
- You remember the story, right? - Yes.
Dickson,
we are making vindaloo today.
Yes, Mama.
Gomez.
Update, men.
Mama,
International Supermodel Milind Morea has finally accepted our contract.
Where is the foreigner?
Mama,
that foreigner turned into a superman.
Yeah, Mama.
He was really dangerous.
First, he did a massive fart in the entire room,
then this demonic witch turned up.
And beat us in the darkness.
How many men were there, men?
Us...
four.
And just him?
Yes, just one.
Plus, demonic witch!
Cutlet?
Then?
Then they suddenly vanished.
And then, we ran.
- Yes. - Yes.
But, Mama, honestly--
Who ran first?
You must be hungry.
Eat, men.
Spice.
Until there's no taste of chili in Goan food,
there's no fun, is there?
Hello.
How are you?
Listen,
our Plan B is now our Plan A.
And naturally, the spiciness will all combine.
Now we'll add some
salt to taste.
Good morning, Agent Patel.
Last night...
did anything happen?
I don't think so.
These clothes aren't mine.
Your clothes are on that chair over there.
When I came in this morning, I got you changed.
Why, Geet?
You looked sad.
- Geet... - Buckingham, your bird's here!
What?
Hey...
Rupa.
I went to your house.
Your neighbor told me you got drunk and came here last night.
Are these your clothes?
Yes.
No, no.
These...
Apparently, I was looking sad...
I don't know.
Hi.
Happy...
I've really thought about it.
Oh.
About us.
Oh.
And... if you want to cook for me...
then I wouldn't mind.
Yes.
Absolutely. I will make a feast for you.
Rupa...
I'm a spy.
I'm in India on a mission
to find a white girl.
Not for me, just in general.
And I can't find her.
Pretty soon, I'm going to lose my job, and I'll have to go back home--
There is one idea.
Listen.
At Mama's, Mama's goons work.
Your mother--
Why don't we just follow them?
Wherever Mama's is catering,
Mama's goons will be there.
She's a genius.
It's common sense.
I mean, she's 16, we can be nice.
By the time I was 16, I had four cases on me.
What, like luggage?
Look at this.
There's an event invitation on Facebook.
Mama sets up a stall at every night market.
Tomorrow night, I'm performing there.
I will be there.
So the plan is simple.
Mama's goons will know where Beatrice is being held.
Geet, Happy, you put trackers on the goons.
And, Rupa,
you create a distraction. Copy?
- Copy. - Copy.
Can't hear.
You ready?
Hello, friends.
Welcome to the Panjor Night Market, man.
For your entertainment,
let's have a huge round of applause
for Kashmir's Kali,
Panjor's Pretty,
Dancing Queen...
Rupa!
Happy.
Happy?
Happy, focus.
Shut up! Shut up!
Your booing makes no difference to me, alright!
The plan's failing, the dancing shouldn't stop.
Dance is freedom, freedom!
Geet...
We will have to distract everyone.
If your moms had learned to move as much,
you wouldn't have been born, you fuckers!
She just lay with your fat-ass dad!
Oh shit, man.
That's messed up.
How much?
So I'm introducing you to the main act of the evening
a little early.
Let's have a huge round of applause
for Ash King!
Tell Ash King to sing his longest song.
- It's lovely to be here in Panjor. - Ash King...
Today you have to sing
your best song ever.
Not the best, long!
Alright.
I'm going to have to touch her.
Happy, what the hell are you doing?
This is your plan?
Do not disconnect. I said, "Do not disconnect!"
We've come from Mama's.
I told you, man. We've all come from a mother.
This--
MI7 will terminate you.
Our investigation
will probably fail.
You're falling for me, right?
Something's missing...
You can still make it work.
Take care.
Excellent work, Rupa.
Mama, what's going on?
You two...
Cutlet?
One piece would be nice, right? Thank you.
You're right, I am feeling a little peckish.
But this is not the time!
Excuse me...
According to our investigative findings, you are "M".
The person who has kidnapped Beatrice Fefferbaum.
And...
We have come here to find her.
Dickhead...
What do you think, I'm just going to give it all up like that?
First, you tell me.
How would you like to die, man?
Mama ji,
Mama ji, you may as well give us at least two pieces.
He's definitely hungry.
You know me so well.
Shut up, both of you!
Mama, you said, “Keep him busy,
break his heart, and he'll be disheartened and go home himself.”
Rupa...
A curry leaf in a hot pan has no idea what is about to be cooked.
You are the curry leaf.
Profound.
Oh! Very profound!
I have an idea.
I'm not going to kill you just like that.
Let's have some fun first.
She's got a--
- Bell. - Bell!
Bell?
I have no idea.
Dickson, Rickson, Carlton...
special torture.
Alright, it's fine.
MI7 gives us torture training.
You can't break me.
I've seen "Slumdog" three times.
We shall see.
Alright.
My heart is melting
My tears have hardened
Love is my enemy
Friends are my time
My love
My beloved
My love
My beloved
My love
My belov--
I will meet you
By the river bank
I will meet you
By the river bank
Loneliness is my bottle
The bottle is calling you
Calling
Loneliness is my bottle
Alright, enough!
Enough! Enough!
- Calling... - Alright.
What do you want?
What?!
What I want is already in front of me,
Happy Patel.
Oh!
I waited my whole bloody life for this.
It took a lot of time and research to find you.
And while looking,
I stumbled across my new business plan.
But business on the side for now...
Today I'm going to beat you so badly, you will wish you were never born.
No.
- Mama. - What?
Happy?
There's a problem...
It's International Supermodel Milind Morea's birthday.
- He is saying he won't shoot the ad. - Happy!
Tell him,
I'll make a strawberry cake for him.
And I'll feed him with my own hands.
- Celebrities these days! - Happy...
I'll just be back.
Okay.
Happy...
Wake him up.
How?
Sandwich!
My fin--
- Happy... - Listen.
Do exactly as I say.
It's the only way we'll be able to get out of here.
All--
You shut up.
You just shut up!
Alright!
You're a mule!
Traitor!
You have beaten us.
Betrayed!
From today,
we are going to do whatever I say!
Do--
The last one was correct.
When I give you the signal,
we...
will stand up and go to the door.
Alright?
With collective force,
we'll break through the door.
- What? - She didn't hear a thing.
Then you bloody tell her, man!
He will give us a signal,
then his thing will stand up.
Then he'll shove it in the door,
and his thing will break.
What! What's the point of that?
The door is really strong.
I'll cut the ropes and hit both of them.
She's saying
your thing is really strong!
She'll chop it off.
And hit us with it!
What? Here? Now? Why?
I don't know.
But when you both have sex,
the world will have a tsunami.
Oh God! Geet, you...
Get me Papa's gun.
You want Fefferbaum?
You can take her and go.
If you make it out of here alive!
Any last words, man?
Hello?
Mama?
Mama...
Rupa, me too.
Sorry, reflex action.
Where is it?
My finger!
Where is it? Where is it?
Where did it go?
My finger!
- Open, open! - Geet, hurry.
Happy, come on!
No.
That was...
my...
tasting finger!
Oh, my balls!
Happy...
I'm fine.
- Happy... - I'm fine.
- Here. - Oh God...
- Come on. - How do you fix a finger?
Happy.
Roxy.
What are you doing here?
I've come to save you, Union Jack.
First, I hacked the circuit system,
then I installed my automated fuse diffusion wire.
That's it! Light's out!
Yeah, no, you're right. I understood all of that.
Happy...
No!
Traitor.
Hey, man.
Why are you fairer?
What the hell is going on with your skin, man?
- Mama, pigmentation-- - Shut up!
Hey,
bounce!
Find them.
Yes, Mama. I'll go right now.
But...
Where shall I go to find them?
I wasn't here when they left.
Gomez?
Gomez, please, bro.
You just shot me, Gomez.
Wait.
Gomez, let's talk about it for one second.
Not cool!
Good morning, Wimbledon.
Namaste.
Who are you?
- What-- - You're Happy Patel.
MI7 ‘s low-level agent.
You're here undercover.
Investigating Beatrice Fefferbaum's kidnapping.
And you?
You're Roxy.
From Panjor.
An orphan girl with an IQ of 200.
And you.
You're Geet.
You tricked us.
Guys, I didn't trick anyone.
- Fuck off! - Fuck off!
- Just saying. - Rupa Kumar...
choreographer and dancer.
At a time, she charges 3400 plus GST per performance.
Earlier, she was Mama's right hand.
And now she works for C.I.S.S.
Secret agent of the Confidential Indian Secret Service.
You're an agent, she's an agent.
Your kid
will definitely get an MBA.
We have been observing Mama's operation for five years.
She took over her father's entire business and expanded it.
Now she has become the Don of Goa.
To get close to her,
we recruited Rupa.
I had to trap you.
Or I would have blown my own cover.
We know that Mama is planning something big.
And we need to find out what that is,
and stop it.
Hang on, I can help you with all of this.
Absolutely not!
You're not qualified.
You fucked up our entire operation. Almost.
Look, I have information.
- Information? - Information.
What type of information?
Informative type of information.
What other type of information is there? What the fu--
Listen, alright.
I saw outside of Mama's house
AG Packerwal, with boxes.
- Hey, bounce! - Alright?
I think
there's something going on inside AG Packerwal's warehouse.
I'm not the wife!
One minute.
- What do you think? - Seems fine.
I don't know.
- I don't think he is lying. - It's risky, but alright.
We should also say something.
I don't have anything to say.
- Agent Patel. - Yes?
Do you agree to collaborate with our agency?
Yes.
- Yes! - Hey, kids are not allowed!
Excuse me?
Good luck.
We'll raid AG Packerwal's warehouse tomorrow night.
Yeah.
Collaboration.
You
and us,
and backup
- as one. - No!
Just us.
Fuck the what?
Us.
Who's that? I--
Hey!
Don't try to act over smart.
This is our area.
Dear diary,
"M" is Mama.
But who's Apan?
And why are we fucking--
You?
I couldn't sleep.
Drink?
I worked for Mama for five years.
If I had given her up to CISS,
they would have cleaned my entire record.
That's why I dance.
Because when I dance,
I don't feel like one of Mama's puppets.
I failed the MI7 exam five times.
Seven times.
My dads
are amazing agents.
And when I cook,
it helps me forget...
that I'm not as good as them.
That was a nostalgic composition.
Hero-Heroine's backstory.
Our next song.
Chemistry and Marathi rap.
You're not a bad agent at all.
And I love
the way you dance.
Alright.
Complete silence.
This is... a wall!
- Hey! Over here! - Where are we? Oh!
Sorry.
Happy,
I have an idea.
We need a diversion.
Mama has kidnapped a bunch of people and kept them here.
I'll go and set them free.
Then I'll signal you.
Then you save them all.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Alright.
- Will it explode? - It will, man.
Are you sure it will explode? When?
I don't know. Three...
Two...
Oh, bang!
Who are they?
Not now, Geet.
Agent Patel, use your training!
What's this?
Singham!
Singham had a gun!
What?
Rupa! Rupa, are you alright?
Geet.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Mamareal sent me an endorsement deal.
I didn't read the fine print properly...
kidnapping was mentioned in it.
International...
- Supermodel... - Supermodel...
- Milind... - Milind...
Morea!
Who's that?
Oh!
Oh God.
Alright...
Oh shit!
You twist.
Oh.
You stop it! Stop what you're--
Milind sir, can you help the others?
Sorry.
I have a facial booked today.
Makes sense.
Geet...
Throw the bottle!
Smash that glass!
Ms. Fefferbaum...
His Majesty's, I'm here...
I'm fine.
I'm...
Here to...
rescue you...
Oh!
I can walk, you know.
- I'm actually fine, you know. - This is the mission!
Hey, why isn't Mama here?
- Are you alright? - Yes.
You completely wasted our time.
You have no idea what I have been through.
I know someone will come.
You were the one who gave this information, Agent Kumar.
You got some explaining to do. Come on.
You told us Mama would be here in the warehouse.
- Oh God. - You lied.
If you are handing out kisses to everyone, then...
I also rescue.
Agent Mole.
Operation Homecoming is a success.
It's not a success.
You've gone viral.
I feel fine.
The extraction ship is on the way.
Ms. Fefferbaum is coming home.
No, sir. You--
But your identity has been compromised on the internet.
- What? - This conversation never happened.
Shit, alright.
Geet,
I'm going to Abonda.
Check on Roxy.
Yeah, but I can drop you in a taxi.
- On the way. - This is the mission!
Or I could walk.
No. Not on my watch, ma'am.
Let's do one thing, we have this meat with us.
And with this meat...
Mama, Happy and some police officers came,
destroyed the warehouse, and the white girl ran away too, Mama.
We have brought you a small message
from Mama.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Are you okay?
Again... my tailbone has been broken!
I told you I could walk.
This is the mission!
Bye, Happy!
Good luck!
Thank you, guest.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, Fish n Chips.
Oh, Geet, thank you.
Happy, Mama's goons showed up.
I saw them and hid.
But...
this was something else.
I mean, all these years, we've seen Mama's vengeance.
This was something different.
I'm sorry.
But you are screwed.
Three thousand views on this.
And that's viral?
Panjor viral.
Oh.
British.
The British have stolen so much from us.
Kohinoor Diamond,
chicken tikka masala, King Ko Lee.
And in return, all they have given us is
lust for fair skin!
Lust for applying IMUMI creams!
But did you know,
buying IMUMI creams only benefits the Brits?
And to hide this information,
they have now sent someone to infiltrate us
who looks like us, but is fully British!
He's not our friend. He is a British pawn!
That's why, Forget IMUMI.
And use only homegrown desi
Mamareal Fairness Cream.
The need to become white will continue,
but the benefit will be only Mama...
I mean, India's.
Did you know about this IMUMI stuff?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, I just...
I was told that a girl's life was...
on the line.
And I was dying to be an agent.
Just like my dads.
Are you still dying to be an agent?
No.
I want to be a friend now, Geet.
Panjor is not going to want to be your friend.
Tonight at 8:00 p.m.,
give up Happy Patel.
Or the whole of Goa will be on fire.
Oh...
Oh,
thank you.
Thank you.
Oh God.
This coffee is--
It's last time's order.
From five days ago?
Yeah.
Things...
Cool down.
The whole of Panjor is a little hot right now.
It will cool down.
How do you know?
In India, old people know everything.
But I'm not Indian, am I?
Why do you think that?
I failed.
I wasn't able to fit in.
Happy...
you have to be yourself.
And then,
you will be Indian.
Thanks, old man.
You should be an influencer.
I already have an OnlyFan page.
Oh.
I don't know what's going to happen after today.
Probably,
Mama will kill me.
Definitely.
A man...
what is a man?
Just...
a fucker...
I am a fucker.
You...
are fuckers.
We are all...
Fuckers!
Right?
When a...
small fucker...
flies into the sky.
Flying is its job.
I want to fly.
With all
you fuckers.
Birds?
Yes.
My dads are foreigners.
But I have...
my mother's eyes.
Mother's eyes.
I am Indian.
And I feel it for the first time.
Inside my heart.
And...
this heart...
only...
beats...
for you.
Rupa.
I love you.
He means you.
I know.
Happy,
I love you, too.
Nice.
We have to do something about this.
I know.
Guys,
I've got a really bad idea.
Village people!
Are you mad or what?!
This is Goa, man!
Right. Sorry.
People of Goa!
Correct.
People of Panjor!
And...
people of the Greater Panjor area.
For years, you have lived in fear of Mama.
I'm tired.
And I know...
You are tired as well.
I'm saying,
today...
We have a chance
to defeat Mama.
If you
and I
fight together
as allies.
But why should we take your word for it?
Good question.
Because I, just like you,
am a simple man.
There is nothing bigger than that.
But Mama has killed simple men like you before.
You are really negative, you know that.
I'm not sure what happened in your childhood.
Just speaking facts.
Alright, shit!
Oh...
Seventy minutes!
Right
Seventy minutes is all you have!
Why? What's happening at 9:30 p.m.?
Oh, lid of fuck! This is not...
Oh, man!
Wait.
Listen,
we have all become Mama's enemy now.
Today she's asking for Happy.
Who is she going to ask for tomorrow?
You?
Your family?
How much more is she going to extort us for?
The extortion will keep rising.
Will you be able to pay?
For how long?
It's his fault, I know.
He's an idiot, childlike bastard!
Beautiful ears, too...
That's true.
But I believe in him.
Today, Happy Patel is banging a new beat.
Can you hear it?
So, now you are either with Mama
or with us.
But either way, we will dance.
Patel?
Panjor.
Mama, it's a large crowd.
If we kill everyone...
Who will pay us?
- Panjor! - Panjor!
Guys, we all know where we are, right?
It's a local conflict, right?
- Correct. - Thank you.
Sorry.
Hi, my...
angel.
Namaste,
Auntie.
You know, there's an old saying,
"No matter how sour the seed of a piece of tamarind is,
it settles once you cook it".
But lady fingers should only be fried in mustard oil.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
If you drank your mother's milk, pull out your gun!
Technically, my mother died in the third scene of this film,
so I couldn't drink her milk.
But two very intelligent people once said,
"A real agent...
doesn't need a gun."
If you have guts,
bring the real fight to me, Mama.
You,
and me...
And food.
Food?
I've fed the entire Panjor my cutlets.
Let's fucking go!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I am Meiyang Chang,
and I welcome you all to
"Best Chef Goa".
This is our series opener
and our series finale, too.
Short format.
It is a power-packed episode.
And today our competition will be between
Happy and Mama!
Mama!
Sir, your shot is ready.
Who will become Goa's Best Chef?
That will be decided by
the one.
The only.
The OG!
Sanjeev Kapoor ji!
Yeah.
Remember,
salt...
to taste!
TO TASTE
Spicy!
Your fathers killed my father.
If you lose today,
I will kill you with his gun.
Sure.
But if I win,
you will leave Panjor alone.
Let there be food.
Let there be mood.
Let there be light!
Hey, listen. This is Happy's girlfriend speaking.
Make sure you send the package. Don't forget.
- Rog, he has a girlfriend! - Are you ready?
Salt to taste.
- What? - I don't know.
Sanjeev Kapoor said it, and it sounded really cool, so I...
- Listen. - Yes?
Block out everything
and just cook.
- Yeah. - Sanjeev sir,
are you ready to judge?
Absolutely ready.
Let's cook!
It's been 24 hours, man!
Presentation time!
Goan Thali!
Salt to taste.
Mama, your dish
has some good things
and some bad things about it.
Sir,
you'll have to make it a little more generic.
There is daytime
and nighttime.
But you have to eat both times.
Profound, sir.
Extremely profound.
Cutlet?
You stole my recipe.
This is my own recipe.
There's a little cinnamon,
Punjabi spices,
Goan Masala,
and in the middle,
for taste...
Curry leaves.
Happy your cutlet...
Sir, a little more generic.
Happy, your cutlet...
Time for the winner.
I don't care whose time it is, Sanjeev Kapoor.
Today,
with sincerity,
choose the winner.
Best Chef Goa Winner
is...
Happy Patel!
Spicy.
I loved you.
I've never met this guy before.
Oh, fuck my life.
In Best Chef Goa's finale...
Madness.
What?
Indian!
We started with a cook-off...
Dance!
But for some reason, we now have a dance fight?
Let's go!
Oh shit!
Yes!
Happy!
Gomez,
Papa's gun.
Happy?
Dance.
In big cities, small things happen.
Raj...
The name you must have heard before.
Daddy.
You open.
Everyone will open.
Panjor!
Happy, my boy!
How are you?
Hi, Dads.
Did you call the boys at the Yard?
Oh, yes.
Mr. Mole, you are under arrest for the monetization of Indians.
You're making a rather big mistake.
Oh, fuck off, Dennis!
I don't think he is lying.
- Who are you? - You're Mama,
Goa's biggest Don.
Jimmy's daughter.
And CISS's new prisoner.
Listen, Dads...
I think I'd like to stay here a little longer.
Are you not coming home?
I think I am home, Dads.
But whenever you want to visit, you can definitely--
Meet in the middle?
Calangute for New Year's?
I'll cook.
Yeah?
Thanks.
This is finished now
People have died, been beaten
This line is now erased
Gomez, please, bro.
The film is over now.