1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:04,560 The cicadas buzzed as Mama Tess scrubbed my shoulders. 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,200 I watched the dirty water run over cuts and scrapes 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,520 on my weary ebony skin. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,880 I thought of the scars on Mama Tess's back-" 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,240 Okay, David. Why don't we stop there? 6 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:15,440 What? I just started. 7 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:16,880 I know I just... 8 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,160 I'm not sure it's appropriate for you 9 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:23,120 to be writing in the voice of a young slave girl. 10 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,640 But I did a ton of research. 11 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,080 I've been working on this for months. 12 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,200 I'm sorry, 13 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,440 I just don't think this is your story to tell. 14 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,360 I mean...I wouldn't play her in the movie. 15 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,240 Alright, why don't we stop here for the day? 16 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,440 Oh, and some exciting news, 17 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,880 Yael Golding will be attending next week's reading. 18 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,120 Yael Golding!? 19 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,960 She's like my favorite living author! And now I've got nothing! 20 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,480 Oh, Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Jekyll and Hyde in three days. 21 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,440 I'm sure you'll come up with something. 22 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:47,520 Ugh. 23 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,000 Gah! 24 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,760 Yo, looks like they're finally replacing the uh... 25 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,880 the infrastructure pipes. 26 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,080 - You excited? - No. 27 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,320 I've got three days to write a masterpiece from scratch 28 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,040 but it's impossible with all this racket! 29 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,360 You know David, if you're looking for a nice quiet place to work, 30 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,920 my Uncle Kenny's actually got a nice little cabin up in the Poconos. 31 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,840 You're totally welcome to go up there for the weekend. 32 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,880 Oh, thanks, but I just wouldn't want to, 33 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,520 you know, impose on your Uncle... 34 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,480 Nah it's all good don't worry about it he's dead. 35 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,080 Ah. I'm s-- what? 36 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,840 I'm telling you you're gonna love this place dude. 37 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,240 It's nice and secluded, 38 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,280 you got the pine trees everywhere, 39 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,040 you got the rustic charm.... 40 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,680 And it's not like some Hoagies 41 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,280 "Deliverance" type thing up there? 42 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,920 Nah, nah, nah my inbred cousins, they live in the Pine Barrens. 43 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,000 Ah. 44 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,360 Ugh. 45 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,000 Hm...not too shabby, Mark... 46 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,360 Alright. Here we go... just let it flow. 47 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,760 Oh this place is cute, Mark! 48 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,000 What with the logs and all, I love it. 49 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,680 I know! It's classic, right? 50 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,760 You've gotta be kidding me... 51 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,520 Yo that spot right there is where the gerbil exploded! 52 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:40,160 Oh... 53 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,200 Oh man we got so many memories here. 54 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,360 I can't wait for you guys to experience all the traditions. 55 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,320 Ooh maybe we can go snowshoeing... 56 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,680 Okay well hold on there's like a whole itinerary here Tam. 57 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,920 Yo Jinglebells! You finish your book? 58 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,160 I've been here thirty minutes... 59 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,920 I didn't realize you were also gonna be here. 60 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,440 Ah you know it baby! 61 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,640 So you excited for the classic Mark Hoagies Poconos Weekend? 62 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,800 What? No. I came here to write. 63 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:01,600 Exactly. 64 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,280 We're gonna give you a ton of material. 65 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,520 We're a buncha goofballs. 66 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,360 - Yeah that's not what I- - Ah don't worry, David. 67 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,040 We'll be out of your hair and on the slopes. 68 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,360 Ah okay, so you're gonna be skiing the whole weekend? 69 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,520 I'll be skiing. 70 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,080 Mark and Hank are going sledding. 71 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,960 Uh, snow tubing! Totally different. 72 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,480 Come on. Snow tubing is just for people who can't ski. 73 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,560 Woah woah woah. I know how to ski, okay. 74 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:20,880 I just prefer snow tubing. 75 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,360 Mark gets a little insecure that his wife does black diamonds 76 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,560 while he's on the bunny slopes. 77 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:25,640 Aw that's ridiculous. 78 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,120 Snow tubing is a Hoagies Poconos tradition! 79 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:28,960 Okay great. 80 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,720 Well Darren and I are going skiing, 81 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,120 maybe get some hot chocolate... 82 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,200 Mom, I said I don't want to go skiing. 83 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,280 Hell yeah. Team tubing. Let's go Dar! 84 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,280 Uh...no I'm not tubing either. 85 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,160 Oh come on Darren. 86 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,840 What kid doesn't want to go super fast down 87 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,080 a mountain in an inner tube? 88 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,360 Do you like consciously make an effort to not know anything about me? 89 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,000 Please go Darren. 90 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,880 Oooh you're an ugly one. You're an ugly one. 91 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,640 Come and get it. Ooh, eat it! 92 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,240 Yeah you like that!? Bee-yotch! 93 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,680 Fricken skiing elitist Tammy wants to belittle 94 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,200 a time-honored Hoagies tradition like snow tubing? 95 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,040 Pfft, wait until we tell her we did a double black diamond. 96 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,440 - Uh...you sure about this Mark? - Uh yes, Hank. 97 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,280 If anything this is probably safer. 98 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,320 I mean you're in an inflated tube. 99 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,280 You're basically riding an airbag down the mountain. 100 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,920 - Excuse me? - What's up chief? 101 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,080 No inner tubes on the ski slopes. 102 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,440 Okay well that's discrimination. 103 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,120 How is that discrimination? 104 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,160 The mountain is for everyone, 105 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,440 it shouldn't matter what equipment we choose to love, 106 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,760 - we all share the same gravity. - Enough. 107 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,040 If we hit a tree, do we not bleed? 108 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,080 Can I get security to the top of Pine Run? 109 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,320 Hank! Go go go go go!!! 110 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,760 Here we go duuuuuude. 111 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,160 Cancel that. Can I get the coroner to the bottom of Pine Run? 112 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,400 Mmm. 113 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,080 Oh my god! The hell!? 114 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:45,480 Nailed it. 115 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:47,640 Yes? 116 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,800 Uh, would you mind putting headphones on? 117 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:50,560 Why? 118 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,320 Well, it's a little hard to write with you 119 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,000 blasting this active shooter game or whatever this is. 120 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,160 It's a zombie game, David. 121 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,680 Well can't you play Sudoku or something? 122 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,400 Thank you. 123 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:04,120 No Tammy! 124 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,880 What it is, is discrimination. 125 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,840 We should be filing a lawsuit against them! 126 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,240 No! Come onnnn. 127 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,600 Stupid idea to come here, so stupid. 128 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,920 Hey, there David. You wanna play some games with us? 129 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,040 No. What happened to ski tubing? 130 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,280 Oh, Shaun White Hoagies over there got us banned. 131 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,720 Well maybe there's another mountain that's like... 132 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:22,720 open all night. 133 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,520 Nah. Storm's already started. 134 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:25,960 Wait... storm!? 135 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,040 Oh no. 136 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,080 No! Ughhhh. 137 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,320 Okay, let the Board Game Olympics begin! 138 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,440 Hank, hit it. 139 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:39,760 Do I have to do this? 140 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,000 Darren you know, I was really hoping to make 141 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,960 one of those viral videos where the stepdad surprises the kid 142 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,080 with adoption papers 143 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,760 but first I'm gonna need you to at least try and make an effort here. 144 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:48,680 I'm going upstairs. 145 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,080 Oh c'mon, Dar. Why don't we play something together. 146 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,040 I don't want to play with you guys. 147 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,800 You just end up arguing the whole time. 148 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,040 Oh that's not true. We're having fun! 149 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:56,640 Right, Mark? 150 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,120 100%. In fact, it's time for our first event: 151 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,080 Extreme Ball Blasters. 152 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,200 That's not a board game. That's a toy. 153 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,800 What are you talking about!? It's a game and there's a board. 154 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,120 - You just shoot metal balls at each other! - See? 155 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,880 Alright alright fine, okay. We'll skip to the second event: 156 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:10,880 Wienerland. 157 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:11,680 Oh hell yeah. 158 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,720 Oh come on. That game is all luck. 159 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,880 Ooh that's not true, Tam. You gotta know all the colors. 160 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,840 Why can't we just play a mature board game, 161 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:18,960 like Scrabble here? 162 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,160 Tam nobody here plays that. That's like decoration. 163 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,560 Yeah right. You're just saying that 164 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,680 'cause I'm gonna mop the floor with yous. 165 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,000 Where's all the letter tiles? 166 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,960 Oh Hank flushed them down the toilet years ago. 167 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,880 Why on Earth would you do that Hank? 168 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,280 Oh I was trying to send a message to the Ninja Turtles. 169 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,160 Uh huh... 170 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,920 Well there's gotta be some good board games somewhere. 171 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,000 I'm gonna check the cellar. 172 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,480 I wouldn't do that, Tam. 173 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:39,480 What do you mean? Why not? 174 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,880 It's just...you know...we... 175 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,040 we don't really go in the cellar. 176 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:42,880 It's kind of a house rule. 177 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,760 Since when do you care about rules? 178 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,560 Well there's just certain important rules 179 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,520 that we respect and one of them is, you know: 180 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,160 we do "not" go in the creepy cellar. 181 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,400 Are you scared of the cellar? 182 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,880 Oh get outta here. That's ridiculous. 183 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,560 - Afraid of the cellar-- - Oh my god. You are. 184 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:55,920 You so are. 185 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,440 Well I'm going down there. 186 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,080 "Witch Trials." 187 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,560 Oooh. Baby. 188 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:14,960 Look what I found. Hehehe. 189 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,120 Absolutely not. Hard no! 190 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,480 Ooh that's the forbidden game. 191 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,720 The forbidden game? 192 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,480 Uncle Kenny was very clear: we're not allowed to play that. 193 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,160 You do realize you're adults now. 194 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,840 Okay I gotta be honest, Tam. 195 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,520 You're really throwing off the vibes here. 196 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,320 I'm trying to show you and Darren my most cherished family traditions 197 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,480 and you're just fully going rogue. 198 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,840 Mark, not everyone has fun the same way you do. 199 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,080 God forbid we do something I wanna do. 200 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,560 Oh boy. Here we go. 201 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,800 - Uh, what's goin on? - What the hell? 202 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,520 Woah. 203 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,080 Woah there. 204 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,080 Welcome... to the witch trials! 205 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,000 - What? - Oh my God. 206 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,240 Welp. Great job, Tam. 207 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,480 Now we've got a fricken Jumanji situation. 208 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,200 Yo, is this like some sort of immersive AR thing? 209 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,680 Nah nah Dar, this is an old-school, classic magical game. 210 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,040 You see back in the old days, 211 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,800 if you wanted to have an immersive experience, 212 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,560 you had to play a magical forbidden game. 213 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,520 Uh, did you know this was gonna happen? 214 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,720 Pfft I mean I had an idea... 215 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,360 Why didn't you say something!? 216 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,200 Tammy, it's a creepy game 217 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,160 in my creepy uncle's creepy cellar. 218 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,520 The hell did you think was gonna happen? 219 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,600 Not this!? 220 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,560 Well, you should have stuck to the itinerary. 221 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,320 Your attention, please as I explain the rules. 222 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,560 You have one simple objective. 223 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,840 These four women are on trial for witchcraft. 224 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,880 Your team must decide which...is the witch! 225 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,200 I mean I think I've got a pretty good idea here. 226 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,600 You're going down, Tam. 227 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:44,880 Hah, no chance. 228 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,680 You forget I got a PhD in true crime. 229 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,000 In order to determine who the witch is 230 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,640 you'll need to question various townspeople. 231 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,080 Ugh! Skip. Skip. Is there a skip button? 232 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,200 Knock it off, will ya? 233 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,720 You only get five questions per turn, 234 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,120 so consult with your teammates... 235 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,640 Okay and I'm out. 236 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,600 Oh come on, Dar. 237 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,600 The guy said it's a team strategy game. 238 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,880 We can't agree on anything. It's hopeless. 239 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,400 Therefore, I forfeit. 240 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,560 There's no quitting in a game of life or death. 241 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,720 MWUHAHAHAH! 242 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:15,840 Life or death!? 243 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,600 Uh...Mark? Are we expecting someone? 244 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,000 Hank, get the door, please. 245 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,320 Hello, there. I live next door, I thought I'd pop on over, 246 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,320 see if you wanted me to plow your driveway. 247 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,720 Ooooh. Are you playing one of Kenny's magical games!? 248 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,960 I always wanted to play but he'd never let me. 249 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,520 Oh, well you should come play. 250 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,800 Oh thanks! 251 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,480 - What's the game? - It's real easy. 252 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,080 You just gotta like figure out which one's the witch or something. 253 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,400 Oh...I bet it's the black girl. 254 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,720 Okay, that's a little racist. 255 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,960 Is that your official accusation? 256 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,800 - Eh, sure. - Incorrect! 257 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,840 Arrrrrghhhhhhh! 258 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,200 Yo, what? 259 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,680 Oh. My. God. 260 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,960 He's... 261 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,760 he's gonna respawn, right? 262 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,280 Shouldn't have skipped the rules. 263 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,280 Only the Jury Foreman can make official accusations. 264 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:05,800 Who's the jury foreman? 265 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,240 You! 266 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,080 Okay I'll admit. 267 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,840 Got Darren in the old timey wig there. That's pretty funny. 268 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,160 Mark! We need to take this seriously! 269 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,560 Don't look at me, I mean you're the one 270 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,400 who haaaad to play the fricken forbidden game. 271 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,160 - I warned you dude. - Ugh. 272 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,840 Woah... uh..okay. 273 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:23,800 Are you a ghost? 274 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:24,880 Am I having a stroke? 275 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,800 Is this like a Shining thing? 276 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,520 No. I just want to explore a bit 277 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,280 before I get sucked back into the game again. 278 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,400 Okay...so I am hallucinating. 279 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,640 Oh man. I have such a low reishi tolerance. 280 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,160 So why aren't you out there playing the game? 281 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,720 Well I have to write a novella from scratch in three days 282 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,840 which is why I came up here in the first place, 283 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:43,080 so I could be alone 284 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,440 and of course the fricken idiot brigade 285 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,280 just shows up and I can't focus. 286 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,720 Why is God so mean to me?! 287 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,200 Sounds rough. 288 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,920 Ugh. You don't even know the half of it. 289 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,520 Anyway, what's your deal? 290 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,520 I'm a slave. 291 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,360 Oh. Uh, sorry to hear that... 292 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,480 So you're a writer? 293 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,000 I actually taught myself how to read. 294 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,360 That's why everyone in the village thinks I'm a witch. 295 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,480 Interesting... 296 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,560 you know, I'd actually be curious to get your thoughts on something... 297 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,560 I think you're gonna like it. 298 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,800 Okay, big money, big money no whammies. 299 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:13,800 Boom! 300 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,800 You may ask the reverend five questions. 301 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,320 Okay. Watch and learn. 302 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,480 Hun, remember, we're a team. 303 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,280 - How we doin' pal? - Fine. 304 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,080 - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. 305 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,960 Three questions remaining. 306 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,680 Stop wasting questions! 307 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,360 Okay level with me here, Father. 308 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,640 Yo she's a witch, right? 309 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:32,560 Probably. 310 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,760 Boom. There it is. 311 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:34,920 He could be lying! 312 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,640 You're not lying to me, are you pal? 313 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,680 No. I'm a man of god. 314 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,240 Great, Tam. Now I look like a jerk. 315 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,880 One more question. 316 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,040 Mark! Consult with your teammates. 317 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,640 Trust me Tam, she's gotta be the witch. 318 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,320 I mean the warts, the big nose. Look at that. 319 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,120 That's like a classic witch right there okay? 320 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,400 I'd like to solve the puzzle! 321 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,720 Stop rushing. 322 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,640 We just watched a guy burn to death. 323 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:54,920 Well, maybe he'd be alive 324 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,720 if we played Ball Blasters, okay? Just sayin'. 325 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,560 Would you just ask him if he's seen anything suspicious. 326 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,360 Tammy, you know, you've already hijacked our classic Poconos weekend 327 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:03,960 and now you won't even let me do my turn. 328 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,880 I will ask the questions, thank you very much. 329 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,040 Father, let me ask you. Uh... 330 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,440 - you seen anything suspicious, or? - Indeed. 331 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,440 I witnessed Eleanor over there in the parish kitchen 332 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,320 sprinkling eye of newt into a cauldron. 333 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,440 Okay now that's a twist. 334 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,920 You got the fricken lizard eyeballs? 335 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,160 Yo that's a classic witch thing. It's gotta be the nun. 336 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,440 Mark, this ain't newt eyes. 337 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,560 It's mustard seed. 338 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,440 That's what they used to call it back in the day. 339 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,760 I mean witches eat mustard too, Tam. 340 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:31,840 I'm gonna be honest, David. 341 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,080 I can't even make it through this. 342 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,520 What? Why not!? I did tons of research! 343 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,720 Did you get to the part about Osnaburg fabric? 344 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,160 I did yeah. That's definitely what we wear. 345 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,120 Yes indeed. 346 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,360 So, would you say it's authentic? 347 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,240 I guess. 348 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,720 Haha! I did it! 349 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,000 Suck it, writers group! 350 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,320 Edith? 351 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:49,920 Okay, Mr. Blacksmith, 352 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,160 have you ever seen any of these girls doing anything strange? 353 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,080 Indeed. 354 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,400 The other day I saw Agnes behind the stables, 355 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,720 kissing... a girl. 356 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,680 Ohhh boy, that chick's definitely the witch. 357 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,240 Kissing girls? I mean that's "Classic" 358 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:02,440 sexy witch stuff right there. 359 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,920 It's just like that movie with Bette Midler where they all make out. 360 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,080 What version of Hocus Pocus did you watch? 361 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,280 I don't know what that is. 362 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,040 Three questions remaining. 363 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,040 Ugh, Mark! 364 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,760 Would you stop messin' up my turn? 365 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,440 Okay, Mr. Blacksmith, 366 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,360 have you ever seen Margaret do anything strange? 367 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,720 Never seen anything myself, 368 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,560 but you know she's always in a rotten mood. 369 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,320 Yelling at her husband and what not. 370 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,840 Ohh yeah, that's a witch alright! 371 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,280 Can you tell me more about Margaret's husband? 372 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,960 Oh, he's a real piece of work. 373 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,360 Always running off doing crazy things with his brother, 374 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,440 the village idiot. 375 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,760 Heard he commandeered a horse 376 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,240 and tried to make it do some sort of backflip maneuver. 377 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,760 Said it was his "signature move." 378 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,000 Guy sounds pretty cool actually. 379 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,240 Yeah. 380 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,760 Did this husband of hers ever check with his wife 381 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,760 - before he did these things? - Nope. 382 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,560 That was your final question. 383 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,680 Dammit, Tam. 384 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,120 Hell yeah. Fourteen. 385 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,200 You have rolled a 12. 386 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,920 You have 60 seconds to question the Baker. 387 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,240 Oooh what's that? Some kind of witch goo? 388 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,240 - Ooh good catch, dude. - It's dough. 389 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,320 Oh my god. Hank! C'mon. 390 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,040 So you're telling me that blob right there is gonna become bread? 391 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:11,760 Yes. 392 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,640 Man. How far in the future do you live? 393 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,160 Actually this game takes place 300 years in the past. 394 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,320 Whoa. Now that's a twist. 395 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,800 Two questions remaining. 396 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,760 Hank, let's work as a team here. 397 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,200 Okay. What should I ask? 398 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,320 You should ask about the spell Agnes cast on my bread. 399 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,600 Oh. Okay uh... 400 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,280 so what kind of spell did Agnes cast on your bread? 401 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,280 One day I caught her speaking in tongues. 402 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,840 And it turned out she turned all my bread into crackers! 403 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:37,920 Uh, witch alert! 404 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,000 We're dead. 405 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,280 It's time to make your final accusation. 406 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,560 You have two minutes to deliberate. 407 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,720 The foreman makes the final decision. 408 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,080 Choose carefully... 409 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,400 or die! 410 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:50,840 Muahahaha! 411 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,000 Oh no. 412 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,200 Oh there you are! Um... 413 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,520 Can you just do me a quick favor? 414 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,800 Can I just get a quick video of you saying 415 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,680 that you found my novel like super authentic 416 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,040 and powerful or whatever? 417 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,040 Okay go. 418 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,080 Wait what the hell? 419 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,920 Why aren't you showing up on here?! 420 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:11,600 Damnit! 421 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,760 I forgot you're just a fricken figment of my imagination. 422 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,320 Ugh. Ugh. I'm screwed. 423 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,960 I'm screwed!!! 424 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,520 Alright team listen up, 425 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,160 so they're obviously all witches. We agree. 426 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,560 Let's do this. We're ready. 427 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:25,240 Mark, no. 428 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,400 Tam You gotta trust me on this one. I got great witch-dar. 429 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,280 When I watched Wizard of Oz for the first time, 430 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,800 I knew exactly who the witch was. I called it right off the bat. 431 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,280 Uh her name was "The Wicked Witch of the West." 432 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,240 Yeah but also the socks. 433 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,520 I mean come on. Tam, I know witches. 434 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,720 Okay, I got witches in my family! 435 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,480 Mark I think it's pretty obvious 436 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,760 that the whole point of this game is that there are No Real Witches! 437 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,840 It was just a bunch of ignorant, fearful people 438 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,480 making baseless accusations. 439 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,000 So how do you square that with the fact that 440 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,640 all these women are obviously witches!? 441 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,920 They're not witches! 442 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,720 Eleanor was just making mustard and Agnes is gay. 443 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,640 Yeah, but what about the bread spell? 444 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaking in tongues? Turning bread into crackers? 445 00:15:58,520 --> 00:15:59,680 She's Jewish, Hank. 446 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,440 Time's almost up. 447 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,520 Tam, how are you gonna tell me 448 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,320 that the fricken one with the warts is not a witch? 449 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,120 I mean look, she's a classic fricken witch right there. 450 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,760 Oh come on. She's obviously not a witch! 451 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,240 She's just frustrated with her husband's reckless antics. 452 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,600 Oh come on Tam that's ridiculous. 453 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,480 Stop! Stop! 454 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,760 I'm sick of you both arguing all the time. 455 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,720 Thirty seconds remaining... 456 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,480 Darren, now's not the time to get into this-- 457 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,640 No. It's exactly the time to get into this 458 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,040 because if you would both would just listen to each other, 459 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,120 you could figure it out. 460 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,160 I'm actually an excellent listener. 461 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,320 I listen very long-form podcasts occasionally. 462 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,960 You think they're literally all witches 463 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,080 when Mom clearly showed you the evidence was bad. 464 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,480 Exactly. None of 'em are witches. 465 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,200 Tell 'em Dar. 466 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,880 No. You're wrong, mom. 467 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,080 What are you talking about!? You said it yourself. 468 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,120 There's no witches. There's no magic! 469 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,840 Except there is magic! 470 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,880 It's literally a magical game. 471 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,680 Which means it was made by a witch. 472 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,000 5...4... 473 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,400 -3... -I'm ready to make my -2... -my final accusation: 474 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,160 -1... -the witch is... 475 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,000 "Margaret!" 476 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,000 - Oh jeez... - Woah. 477 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,600 What?! No! Dar what are you doing-- 478 00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,680 That is... 479 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,280 correct! 480 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,520 Margaret? The classic witch? 481 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,680 Uh...who would make a game that stupid! 482 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,640 It was made by Hoagies! 483 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,600 The game can definately be that stupid. 484 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:10,640 Oh my god. 485 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:11,720 Oh yeah? How about that? 486 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,520 That's my great great Aunt Margaret. 487 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,000 Yeah, apparently she was a witch or something. 488 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,360 Mom, you were so busy 489 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,160 trying to figure everything out yourself, 490 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,040 you weren't listening when Mark literally said 491 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,040 - he had witches in his family. - Huh. 492 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,120 Yo. Looks like we got a regular Encyclopedia Brown over here. 493 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,520 Well done, children. 494 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,200 Why in the hell would you make a game that could kill your descendants? 495 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,440 The game was meant to keep curious, 496 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,040 naughty little children out of my workshop. 497 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,160 Luckily, you're a good team... 498 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,400 well except for that guy over there. 499 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,760 Alright, well, 500 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,480 back to the spirit world we go! 501 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,760 Go birds! 502 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,320 I've got nothing! 503 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,600 I have a once-in-a- lifetime chance to impress Yael fricken Golding 504 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:56,560 and I've got nothing! 505 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,840 Argh! Maybe Andrea is right. 506 00:17:58,920 --> 00:17:59,840 I'm not a writer! 507 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,240 I should just go back to being a stupid lawyer 508 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,880 and stop this charade. 509 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,880 I don't even like writing!! 510 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,720 Uh, you okay, David? 511 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,840 Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. 512 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,160 Stop trying to write the next great American novel 513 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,120 and just write something fun. 514 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:14,920 Fun? 515 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,080 What does that even mean? 516 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,160 I don't know. Stop trying to impress people 517 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,160 and think of something that gets you excited. 518 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:21,840 And then just let it rip. 519 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,920 Oh my god, did you see that? 520 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,920 His head freakin' exploded! 521 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,200 Hell yeah! 522 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,080 Edith? 523 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,080 Hehe, yo, we did it! 524 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,280 Well Tam, I gotta say, 525 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,640 that game was actually pretty fricken awesome. 526 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:39,440 Thanks, hun. 527 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,080 I guess when we listen to each other we make a pretty good team. 528 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,760 Hey, we do make a pretty good team right... wink wink... 529 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:45,640 You know, 530 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,720 I've got an idea for a new classic Hoagies Poconos weekend 531 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,360 activity if you know what I mean... 532 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,520 Ooh Wienerland? 533 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:52,520 You could say that. 534 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,080 Oh god, maybe I prefer you guys not listening to each other. 535 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,520 - Oh, Mark! This is so crazy! - Yeah! 536 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,240 I can't believe we're doing this in the bed Uncle Kenny died in. 537 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,800 Think of something that gets you excited. 538 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:05,600 And then... 539 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:09,360 - Let it rip. - Uh-huh! 540 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,600 Yes, yes. 541 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,080 Mark, I gotta say these are actually pretty good. 542 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,200 Yo I know right? Yeah the cheesesteak pancakes, 543 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,720 those are a classic Poconos Weekend tradition. 544 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,880 Yo, there he is! You finish? 545 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,880 Hahahaha. Yes, Mark. 546 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,040 So did we inspire any ideas? 547 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:28,840 Oh yes. 548 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,600 Very much so. 549 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,680 Awesome dude. 550 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,360 Oh and Darren, got a little surprise for you. 551 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,520 Uh...what are you doing Mark? 552 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,960 Why don't you call me Dad. 553 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,360 I'm gonna be your Dad now, buddy. 554 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,600 Nah...I'm good. 555 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,120 Love you too, son! 556 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,600 He's getting emotional. Didn't want it on camera, you know. 557 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,400 And now I'd like to welcome up...David! 558 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,400 Yo let's go, Jinglebells! Let it rip, baby! Let's go! 559 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,880 The sharp smell of pine filled my nostrils 560 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,920 as I drove up the winding mountain towards the estate. 561 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,920 On the radio, the news warned of a virus, 562 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,920 infecting the brains of people in the Philadelphia area. 563 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,600 He grunted in his stupid accent: 564 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,000 "Guys Day. Guys Day! That's classic." 565 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,080 I ripped the three-thousand dollar crossbow from his hands 566 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,280 and RAT-TAT-TAT, 567 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,560 lit him up like Boathouse Row. 568 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:18,560 Oh, god. 569 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,720 I jammed the frozen hot dogs through his eyes 570 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,720 and into his hollow skull. 571 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,440 ...I admired their rotting corpses on the spiked fence 572 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,680 while I sipped my tea 573 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,000 and basked in the silence. 574 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,040 It's horrible. Just awful. 575 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,000 Incredible, David. That was great! 576 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,440 - Yeah, you like that? - Nailed it, dude. 577 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:37,360 Let's get out of here.