I'm Mark Hoagies and this is "Human Cannonball."
Ok, Hank. Get in.
Uh... I don't know about this Mark.
It's fine Hank. There's a safety net right there.
Uhhh... can we like maybe test it out first or something?
Oh my god you're killing me here, Hank, okay?
I know what I'm doing. I'm not Dick Cheney.
But what if I like, blow up or something?
Okay, dammit! Cut!
Mernft, can you help me here? Is Hank gonna blow up?
Ahh... Yeah. I thought that was the point.
No it's not the... Okay,
you know what maybe we can try it with a crash test dummy.
Oh no no. Those things are way pricier than you think.
Holy crap, a million dollars??
You know, there's actually something you could get that's a lot cheaper
and way more realistic...
I'm talkin' inside and out.
Damn. That thing's no joke.
Oh yeah the craftsmanship on these things, incredible.
I mean they get every detail down to the fallopian tubes.
Damn yo. This thing's gonna be perfect for like,
simulating the aerodynamics.
Alright, let's do it.
Okay. I'm putting in the order.
Yo Merf, you don't think Tammy's like
gonna get the wrong idea when this thing arrives or nothing, right?
Nah. Don't worry. I got you.
David Jinglebells?
Uh. Yup that's me.
Oh my god.
- Yo... Mark. - What's up hon?
I'm sure you're doing something very important
but it would mean a lot to me if you could spend some time with Darren.
Oh absolutely, yeah. I take a lot of pride
in being an involved stepdad.
When he gets back from his dad's we'll hang out.
We'll do a little bonding.
Uh. He's been here since April.
Oh get out of here are you serious?
- I didn't even notice him. - Exactly.
He's barely left his room in like three days.
I'm worried he's gonna spend the whole summer up there
and not make any friends.
No problem, Tam, okay.
I'll hang out with him. We'll get outside,
we'll make some friends, we'll get into some trouble.
Okay maybe not that last part.
C'mon, Tam. Maybe the reason he's not making any friends
is because you're a bit of a, you know, helicopter parent.
I am not. I just don't want yous to do anything stupid.
Cannon's loaded.
Me? Do something stupid?! PFFFFT!!!
I have fun, Tam,
but I do not put the people I love at risk.
Woah.
That was awesome.
What's up Buddy?
Hey Mark.
You got any interest in hanging out with me and Uncle Hank?
No thanks. I don't want to play with guns.
It's not a gun, Darren. It's a cannon.
A cannon is a gun.
No, it's a classic...
medieval ball shooting... tool.
Oh would you look at this?
A cannon is a 'large caliber gun classified
as a type of artillery.'
Oh c'mon. You can't trust the internet Darren, okay?
You know how you really learn?
By going outside and doing experiences.
Yo. You wanna throw this bad boy around?
Please put that back.
No Darren, this boomerang is a classic toy.
We gotta play with it!
It's a decorative artifact.
My dad got me that when he was in Australia.
Okay what's the point of having a boomerang
if you're not gonna throw it Darren?
If we do this, will you leave me alone?
Maybe.
Andrea this is a mistake. I swear.
Uh can you just leave it in the box?
Oh no, sir. You ordered white glove service.
You don't even have to touch the box...
Well, this box.
Huh... What?!
Are you trying to send me a message, here?
What? No!
You want it in the bedroom?
Can you just take it back with you please?
If you want to return it, there's a QR code on the back
that you can get all the info.
Oh my god.
Maybe next time
pick a delivery window where your wife isn't home.
It's gotta be some kind of mistake or practical joke or something.
Pretty expensive practical joke...
"Hello David Jinglebells ".
"Congratulations on your new Real Babe,
the ultimate pleasure doll experience."
"We're going to walk you through all the intimate details..."
Oh god. Skip!
"Beneath the natural silicon exterior is our new,
state of the art self-heating,
- strawberry flavored..." - Skip!
- What? Ew. - Skip please!
Uh, tell me how to send you back!
- Send back! - "Nano-fiber polyester landing stri
Functional lactating... Tentacle attachments...
- Just load the milk into the cartridge..." - Wow David.
Really splurged on the trim package.
"Enter promo code MothersDay for 30% off
our new pregnant belly expansion pack!"
So the fun thing about a boomerang
is that when you throw it, it comes back.
Which makes it a very ironic gift choice coming from your father.
Okay Darren so here's what you're gonna do okay?
You want the flat side against your palm.
Just like this okay?
And then you make sure the curvature
is facing the direction you're looking to throw.
Okay, you angle your arm 45 degrees on release,
and then you're just gonna let it roll off your fingers, okay?
Here we go.
Okay, there we go.
Okay you see it?
No? Don't worry it's gonna come back so...
any minute now.
Keep an eye out, keep an eye out.
It'll sneak up on you.
Ugh, that's the end of that.
Thank you Mark.
Uh uh. No way, Jose.
We are going on an adventure!
Ugh.
If we somehow find this thing,
it's going right back on my wall.
Uh uh. Attitude shift. We're gonna find it.
And then... we're gonna throw it again.
Bingo.
See that broken window up there?
I bet it's in there.
I gotta say, Darren, okay that was a hell of a throw.
If that damn house wasn't in the way
it would have definitely come back.
This is so sketch.
So we're just gonna knock on the door?
Yeah. What's the worst that can happen,
okay, we make some new friends?
Now in sales,
this is what we refer to as a "cold call" okay?
Hank is gonna make small talk
while you and I, we sneak upstairs
and we get the boomerang.
Or we can just apologize and ask them to get it.
You want to let whatever weirdos live in this house
know we broke their window?
Oh yo, wow!?
I mean... hi.
I mean... hello, ma'am.
My name's Mark. I was just wondering if-
What did you say about a window?
Oh I was just saying that uh...
You know I love some of the trim work
- on these windows- - Go away!
Darren, now that's called "playing hardball" no problem.
Every "no" brings you closer to a "yes."
Yes?
Oh hey boss, so, you know we've been out hiking
and I really gotta use the bathroom, so...
Go in the woods!
You know the thing is,
it's kind of a number two situation and um...
and I'm allergic to leaves so.
- You are? -Hank!
One moment, please.
The man just wants to use the bathroom.
- No! - Come on, Deborah.
We haven't had a guest in ages.
Lest you forget,
there's a reason we don't have guests, Charles.
Oh relax.
Down the hall. First door on your right.
Actually, is there a upstairs bathroom I can use?
I need a little privacy.
I got a little, had a whole two burgers
for breakfast situation happening, you know what I mean.
- No! - Don't be rude, Deborah.
You're welcome to use the upstairs hallway bathroom.
Really appreciate it.
C'mon Dar.
Why does the boy need to come?
Oh uh... Darren here? He's my uh...
he's my wipe boy.
Wipe boy?
What? I'd love to have a wipe boy.
Eww!
Andrea, how many times do I have to tell you?
I didn't order this, okay?!
David, it's fine.
In fact, I'm thinking about ordering my own doll...
Oh wow, this one looks just like The Rock.
Okay, enough. I'll throw it out.
Uh, you cannot put that in our trash.
Are you insane?
Ok well I'll return it this afternoon.
Fine, but until then can you move it out of the living room?
The thing weighs like 120 pounds.
Is it that unbearable to ju-
I will move it. Yes, I will move it.
Argh!
Come on, let's go.
Huh!
- Cool place. - Thanks.
So when was this built? Like the 50s or something?
1730s actually.
Woah. 1730s?
I didn't even know houses were invented yet.
So uh, what do you do for work?
We are the custodians of something evil-
Enough!
What's taking your friends so long?
Yo Dar, that's gotta be the attic right?
Oh cool, the chained up room in a creepy-ass house.
Sounds like a great idea.
C'mon, Darren. We're having an adventure.
"You looking for your boomerang?
I got it in here.
Just unlock the door."
Ahh... Wh... What was that?
Darren, you heard that creepy voice.
It's got the boomerang.
"Everything okay up there?"
Oh yeah! All good! All good! Sorry...
just finishing wiping up.
C'mon Darren! Get that dingleberry!
Alright let's see here.
"See ya!"
Oh my.
Welp. Happy, Charles?
I told you this would happen!
Do you have any idea what you've done!?
Uh. I guess I let your pet goat bat thing out?
- I mean who cares. - No, you fool!
You've just unleashed...
The Jersey Devil!
So when you say "unleashed the Jersey Devil,"
is that like a good thing or a bad thing?
The hellish beast
will reign terror upon our community.
Its wrath knows no bounds!
Okay, so it's a bad thing.
So uh... what are we gonna do?
The only way to catch this beast
is through the dark sacrament.
We must head to the ceremonial circle
and build a pyre of white cedar.
The incantations will lure the devil
- to the blood sacrifice. - What the hell...
and upon his satiation
he will sleep for three days-
Blood sacrifice? Yeah, that's never gonna work.
Oh yeah?
You're gonna tell us,
the guardian family of this abomination
for over 300 years,
how to find the Jersey Devil?
Uh... I got news for you. It's a friggin flying goat, okay?
How hard can it be?
You look in the sky for a friggin goat with wings.
Ok genius.
Why don't you go do that?
But since "You" unleashed this horror,
one of you must stay back...
for the sacrifice.
Uh yeah, that's all you Mark.
Okay whatever lady.
Okay Hank, can you just deal with
whatever cockamamie nonsense they wanna do?
You got it, Mark.
David.
Focus.
Argh... argh
Next.
Sorry, it's a little heavy.
Okay looks like we got a...
- Real Babe doll? - Uhp! Yes.
It was shipped to me by mistake.
Hm. Sure.
So there's a whole process for these things.
It's gonna be a few minutes.
- Connor! - What's up?
I need a hand!
I got a customer returning a Real Babe Doll!
A what?
A real babe doll.
It's one of those fancy lifelike sex-
Hey could you not?
Can you just come over here for a sec?
And bring the scissors.
Is this necessary?
If you want to return it, yes.
Alright, let's just go.
So uh, where we headed?
The ceremonial circle.
Ooh. Sounds fun.
Well. Sounds more fun than it is.
- Will you shut up, Charles? - What?
It's nice to speak to someone pleasant for a change.
You don't name the chicken you're going to slaughter.
Get off my back.
Well, here we are.
You sure this is the place?
So we know this thing is half bat, half goat.
Now what do bats eat? Okay they eat berries.
What do goats eat?
Trash.
So, what we need to do is find a berry junkyard. Okay?
Ooh... maybe a berry landfill?
It's pointless.
The thing is probably deep in the Pine Barrens at this point.
C'mon Darren, okay. It's gonna take time and skill,
but we're gonna hunt this thing down
and get that boomerang back if it's the last thing I do
before I throw it again.
Woah, yo! Well speak of the devil!
I told you it'd be easy Dar!
Sup dudes.
Can I come in? I got your boomerang?
What do you think, Dar? Gotta let him in, right?
Uh. No. Are you dumb?
Come on. He can't be that bad. He brought the boomerang.
I gotcha.
Please don't hurt us!
Dude what? What're you talking about? Why would I hurt you?
But aren't you like the devil or something?
Well you know I'm not "the" devil. That's my dad.
Uh.
I just wanted to thank you guys for freeing me.
Ah. Least we could do.
I mean your guardians seemed like
a couple of whack-a-doos, you know what I mean?
Oh dude, tell me about it.
Yeah, they keep me locked up in the attic away from people,
so you know I never get to make any friends.
But you guys seem cool.
That dingleberry bit that was...
oh my god, had me dying.
- I was dying! - Oh yeah, you like that?
Yo that was a good one, right?
You like that right? Yeah that was good.
Yeah totally.
So would it be cool if I crash here for a bit?
Ah no problem, yeah.
Um... are you sure about this, Mark?
Yes Darren, okay.
I know you're not used to meeting new people "IRL"
but this guy's obviously cool.
Don't worry, I'll talk to your mom.
You guys have fun.
I'll get out of your hair.
Alright Mark, see ya.
So, uh, what do you like to do on your computer?
Hey, hun. So, how 'd it go today?
Let's see, we played outside,
met some new neighbors...
Oh, and ah... Darren made a new friend.
So yeah, you could say it went pretty well.
Get out of here! That's great. Who's the friend?
He's some neighbor kid. You know, seems cool.
He's actually upstairs in Darren's room right now.
Oh wow! I should make them some snacks.
You know if this kid's got any allergies?
Nah. Seems like the kind of guy who'll eat anything.
Oh yeah this guy's pretty funny.
He mostly streams Farm Crossing but he's always like, super baked.
Oh dude, that's hilarious.
If you want I can send you a bunch of my favorite streamers.
Oh thanks man, but you know we don't get internet
at our creepy old house so.
Hmmm. I mean you're not that far away.
I can just like, get a WiFi amplifier.
Oh dude are you serious? That would be sick!
Hey there kids I made you- Oh my god!
Hey Mom! This is JD.
Oh hey Ms. Hoagies.
Uh... hi.
Mark!?
What is that "Thing" in Darren's room?
It's not a "Thing" Tam. It's the Jersey Devil.
What!? You left my son alone in a room with the Jersey Devil.
Woah woah woah. That's not fair, I consider him a son too, Tammy.
Darren cannot be friends with a "Satanic Beast "!
C'mon Tam.
You gotta keep an open mind here.
It's not like Darren's the most normal kid either.
What the hell does that mean?
I'm just saying.
He's not Zack fricken Morris, okay?
Hate to break it to you but if you expect his friends
to look like AC Slater,
gonna be a little disappointed Tam.
Mark. Get up there and tell that thing it needs to leave.
Ughh fine. I'll be the bad cop.
Hey Dar? Can I talk to you for a sec?
Uh, in private if that's cool.
Oh yeah no problem.
You know I was just about to go hit the vape so.
So your mother wants me to talk to you
because she feels that certain friends of yours,
new friends, may not be the best kind of...
thing to be hanging out with.
You know your mother pfft.
What!? Oh come on! He's actually cool.
Listen I hear you buddy okay but-
Ugh, I finally make a friend
and now I can't be friends with him!
Listen, you know how your mom is with the whole
"I don't like the devil" nonsense, you know.
Forget it! Screw you both!
Tell mom I'm out "doing" experiences.
Ay come on Dar. Dar!
Come on JD! Let's get out of here!
Alright, you go have fun alright?
Crazy kids.
Come on I got a baloney in the car!
Okay let's see here. Okay, serial number is in.
- Are we almost done? - Almost.
Connor, can you go grab the blacklight wand from the back.
Blacklight wand? Why...
Yeah just gotta make sure it hasn't been used.
Can't we just skip this part?
Listen man, I don't make the rules.
Okay so what you want to do is just run that over the doll
and look for any glowing spots.
Got it.
Wait, what do the glowing spots mean?
Just scan the damn thing, Connor.
Okay. We're good.
No no, no Connor. All the way down.
What?! Come on, this is ridiculous.
Uh...
what does it mean if the feet are glowing?
So? How 'd it go?
Eh not great.
You know, Darren climbed out the window and they flew away.
What!? Are you kidding me!?
Oh my god there's no winning with you, Tam!
"Get him a friend" I do that.
"Get him outta the house" I did that.
Whatever I do it's wrong!
Mark, stop it. Just help me find him?
Alright Tam, but it's like a whole ordeal.
You gotta build like a stone temple pilots thing
and then do a blood sacrifice.
Okay, I say you just give him time.
This is classic, healthy teenage rebellion stuff, okay?
He'll be back.
They're in the woods.
Uh. Helicopter Parent Alert.
- You see this is the problem- - In the car. Now.
Sancta mater diaboli libera!
Sorry.
Would you mind getting your other leg for me?
Sure, no problem.
Holy mother, deliver the devil!
"and the bunny goes round the loop ."
"And the loop goes round the tree,"
"and the bunny goes through the leg..."
Charles!
Are you chanting or chatting?
Sorry.
Sancta mater diaboli libera!
"Sancta mater diaboli libera
No no you don't sing it.
Oh I thought we were singing a song.
You got a real nice voice by the way.
Doesn't she?
I always tell her she sounds just like Tom Waits.
That's not a compliment, Charles!
I can't believe my parents kicked you out like that.
- They don't even know you! - Oh it's fine. I'm used to it.
I hate them sometimes.
You know, believe me, parents can be a lot worse.
Your dad seems pretty cool actually.
Mark?
He's my stepdad and believe me, he's not cool.
- He tries way too hard. - Well at least he tries.
And my mom is a total hypocrite, okay.
First she wants me to have friends
and then she says you're not good enough for her?
Like seriously?
She's not completely wrong, Darren.
My dad is literally the devil.
Who cares man? That doesn't define you.
There's a reason they keep me chained up.
Oh boy it's starting.
What's starting?
"It Is Time "!
Um... Time for what?
"For The Sacrifice "!
Oh we're doing a campfire?
I actually got a few hot dogs in my pocket.
Or are you just happy to see me?
Knock it off and get out of the way!
Deborah, do we really need to do this?
- He's a good guy. - Yes, Charles.
This is how it's been done for over 300 years!
But don't you ever feel like
we're perpetuating this cycle of violence?
I don't care what it feels like. It works.
What's gotten into you man??
"I Must Feed "!
Uh, feed on what?
- "Humans "! - Humans!?
I can't be friends with someone who eats people, okay!
Take me home!
"Too Late, Darren "! "I'm Blood-Lusting "!
"The Signal "! "Dinner Time "!
Hm this body tastes different.
It's not bad though.
There's like a hint of...
what is that like, strawberry?
Oo, my toes feel nice and warm, thanks.
That's it!
I'm putting my foot down.
You fool!
How else are we going to lure the J-
Hank?
Oh hey Darren! We're doing s'mores and stuff.
JD, you're early.
We're still preheating the pyre.
Nah. It's all good. I'm full.
What do you mean you're full?
I found this awesome meat substitute,
it tastes just like berries and trash.
What? But... the ritual!
Hey you know what? Screw your ritual!
You're a bunch of enablers!
It's all that damn chanting that makes me
all bloodlust-y in the first place.
See?
Yo Devil!
You think you can steal my stepson?
Not on my watch!
- Darren! - Mom!
No more hanging with devils, okay?
But he's my friend, mom.
You can't be friends with that!
Oh come on. Mark is friends with Mernft Man.
He's way worse.
We'll talk about it later,
but for now you're grounded for a month.
Okay. Sweet.
I guess being grounded for 300 years
does seem a little excessive.
Have you lost your mind, Charles?
He's the "Devil "!
JD watch out!
Darren!
Boom. Headshot. You like that, Tam?
Saved your kid... I mean our kid.
My kid. I love you, Dave.
Mark?
Hey, David. Did you happen to get a delivery for me?
Maybe like a big box or something?
Yeah, Mark. I did. Was that for you?
Yeah. Doin' a little project.
Didn't want, you know, Tam to get the wrong idea.
You know what I mean?
Mhm, I see.
Anyway, can I get that from you?
Nope. It's gone.
I destroyed it.
Let me tell you, I absolutely obliterated that thing.
Aaaah David! I bet you did, buddy!
I bet you did!
Yo!! Yo, there it is!
Well I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Anyway, that was six grand
so whenever you get a chance you can just Venmo me.