Ho, ho, ho, Rana. Rana.
I've got to get this. Like mother like daughter, eh?
You've got eating and napping covered.
But when was the last time you dismantled the patriarchy?
Well, maybe you can help with that.
You tase the patriarchy.
Don't.
The force don't like blue on blue tasing.
I could lose my job.
Anyway, why you so sure it's a girl?
Why does everyone keep asking me that?
That bump just screams boy to me.
Oh, are you an expert, are ya?
I know my own body, Rana. I'm having a girl.
29.90.
Auntie Rana.
Do you want to help dismantle the patriarchy?
Give us it here.
Where's my sex envelope?
Oh, aye. Is that my new nickname?
From the scan, with my gender in it.
You told me to throw it out
'cause you know your own body and it's a girl.
Everyone keeps telling me I'm having a boy,
and I'm not.
I wanna prove 'em wrong.
I thought we decided we didn't wanna know.
And who cares what everybody else thinks.
Well, what if I decided that I wanted to know?
Please?
-Okay. -Mmm!
Oh, you didn't throw it out.
Well, no. Good job, innit?
Okay, it's in here somewhere.
-What's this? -Oh, don't look at that, it's private!
Oh, my God, you made a wedding book.
No. No, I just jotted down some ideas.
When did you learn calligraphy?
I didn't, I just jotted down some ideas.
-Giss it. Giss it. Giss it. -No, no, Craig.
It's nothing. Here...
This is silly now. Doesn't matter.
I'm throwing it out.
And I still don't wanna know.
Miss you already, my little sex envelope.
Come on, girl.
Hi, what's your returns policy, please?
What you blaming him for? You're the adult.
I told you not to play football inside.
What?
I'm having a boy.
Well, I don't recommend it.
Let's put it near ours.
The broken stuff's great for putting off house buyers.
Oh, God, I'm not ready for a boy, Paul.
You can have Jake's old stuff.
In fact, you can have all of it and Dane's.
Boys can smash the patriarchy, can't they?
Yeah, they'll just smash your telly and all.
They've broken my heart.
'Real Housewives' was me only joy in life.
I'd give you ours's but 'CBeebies ' is co-parenting Grace.
Where am I gonna get my fix of messy mares who live for drama?
Tell me that, Toni!
-Jesus Christ! -Bloody hell!
Grace, time for your playdate!
Quick word, Toni?
Er, I hope this isn't about the "buttock cupping" incident, Leanne.
Because that matter is closed.
It's not about the sexual assault...
-Banter. -...committed on my husband.
I briefly touched his arse. Can we let it go, please?
Oh, already have, Toni. We're so past it.
In fact, it's made our marriage even stronger.
-Well, I'm, I'm really happy I could help. -Hmm.
An invitation for Grace to our Gender Reveal Party next weekend.
Oh, it's amazing what you can do on a home printer these days.
Er, I'll have you know, they were designed
by the bloke who does the Hull city programs.
Parents are invited to supervise the kids.
But if you are coming, bring Craig to supervise you.
To supervise me? Okay.
Hi, Grace, love.
There you go. Have fun.
-Hi. -Hi.
Well, I mean, I'll have to see, you know, what we're up to,
'cause I'm pretty sure we're booked up next weekend, so...
Hmm. That's your choice.
I'm sure Grace is used to disappointment.
What a delicious ***.
Now there's a real Real Housewife.
That was ace.
She absolutely annihilated you.
Oh, Paula, she did not annihilate me.
You've gotta go to this.
Where there's a delicious ***, there's delicious drama.
I'm going all right. I'll show Leanne who needs supervising!
Take me as your plus one!
-You hate parties. -This isn't a party.
This is reality TV in real life.
Please, please, I'll just... I'll sit in the corner.
I'll say nothing. I'll just enjoy it.
There is nothing to enjoy!
It's just a bunch of respectable adults
at a boring gender reveal party.
Well, when Leanne throws that drink on ya,
make sure Craig films it, yeah?
Please, Toni.
Please, I need this.
He must have reported me by now.
And why is it taking so long for them to haul me in front of the tribunal?
Will you get the sack, Auntie Rana?
Worse! They'll put me on traffic with the newbies and weirdos.
Oh, why did I lose control like that?
You need a bit of a distraction.
You're gonna wear out that deep pile carpet.
Oh, I've tried, Mum. I got a new PB on the treadmill today,
but his face just kept popping into my head!
-Pickles! -This might do the trick.
Bax Clayton's back on the market.
-No! -Contacts, love.
Who's Bax Clayton?
Only the hottest man in Hull I've yet to bag.
My Moby-literal-***.
But he's never single when I am!
-Till now. -How old is this information?
Everything he owns is in a Pickfords van
on the Holderness Road as we speak.
Six foot two of swole distraction!
His pectoralis majors are just like the ones in my textbook.
Word is, he's reintroducing himself into society
at his cousin Leanne's gender reveal.
Can't say I've ever pulled at a gender reveal party before.
But I do love a challenge.
Could be just what you need, love.
And Leanne's mom owes me a favor.
I did her an Oestrogel BOGOF in Morrisons car park.
She's a new woman, and you could be too.
You totally deserve that absolutely outrageous piece of man flesh.
Preach,'Daadi.'
Ash, I'm next.
The hunt is on,
and I need nails that say I came to slay.
-You need to come see this. -I'm busy.
We're raising a man-hater.
Oh... What?
-She's beheading boys. -Oh, my God.
No, she's not.
What? She's just taking the heads off.
That's what beheading means, Toni.
Oh, great. There's the taxi. Nice one, Craig.
Now I'm going to the party dressed as a bog roll cover.
This is why men have their heads taken off!
Have fun.
Leanne's focusing on family and top tier friends today,
so she may not have time to personally greet you.
Have fun.
-Hey. -Hey, how are you?
-How are you? -Good.
Why is everyone waving at us?
We know them from school They're parents and teachers.
We see them every day.
It's not ringing any bells.
I'm gonna go say hi. Are you coming?
Nah. I'm gonna say hi to this buffet.
Take care, darling, have fun.
Virgin Mary?
Paul, How did you get in?
My mate's doing the catering.
Dusted off my silver service certificate,
and borrowed Jake's wedding waistcoat.
-You're working here? -Yeah, it's ace.
Fifty quid cash in hand for the telly fund,
and I get to watch the show.
Apparently, some slag's tried it on with Leanne's Rod.
-Cupped his buttock! -Yes, Paula, that was me, remember?
You'd better be telling people I'm innocent.
Sorry, Toni. I'm merely an observer.
Now then, Tone.
What are you doing here?
Everyone's here, Toni. It's the event of the season.
Ah!
My last hurrah before I'm stuck on Ferensway with a speed gun.
Well, at least you can't kill anyone with a laser.
Wanna bet?
Lucky for you, Bax Clayton's unattended by the bao buns.
Give this to Mum in VIP.
Excuse me.
Those buns look tasty.
Help yourself.
-Pickles? -I can pick the gherkins off!
I'll be right back.
What are you doing here?
Isn't it obvious?
-I'm larging it. -You came to gloat, didn't you?
But I'm not scared, Pickles. Just report me.
I'm not going to report you.
Seriously?
Why not?
I think I deserved it.
Oh, no, come on, you didn't deserve it.
No, I bloody didn't.
But I've been musing as I apply ointment
to my electrical burns of an evening...
Sounds like a fun night in.
...it occurs to me that I am not an easy man
to share a Vauxhall Vectra with.
It's an Astra. But never mind.
"The most miserable man in Yorkshire,"
that's what they call me, isn't it?
Well, yeah. That was no reason to stun you.
-I was out of order. -That's why I'm here.
My cousin Rod invited me.
Figured some lighthearted socializing
might change people's perception of me.
Oh, right, and how's that working out for you?
Well, I'm sat in a playpen, reading Schopenhauer, so...
Get up! Come on, stand up.
Come here.
Now you're ready to mingle.
Do you know how this works?
Oh, look at that.
Party found you.
Now then, Pickles here will show you how that works.
Stick 'em up!
I'm Kiki.
I'm Pickles.
Have fun.
Right, let's have a look.
And when I'm gonna walk...
Don't let her in.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Oh!
Dane! What are you doing?
Paula's mate wrangled it.
Doing my bit for the telly fund.
-Ah, wave me through, then. -Oh, sorry.
You're barred. Strict instructions.
I'll take it from here, Dane.
It's all happening at this gender reveal.
-It's the event-- -Event of the season.
-Yeah, I heard. -Isn't it?
Apparently, there's some super-slag on the loose,
groping husbands--
That rumor is totally unfounded, okay?
This party is turning into Hull's sexual marketplace.
And guess who's hot property?
Who's hot property?
You are so funny. You're just...
Craig isn't a stud.
He writes songs about polishing his shoes.
I've told you, Tone.
Your Craig is a sad-eyed hunk.
And the vultures are circling.
Yeah, he isn't bothered though.
It was only the other month he asked me to marry him.
Did he?
Oh, yeah. We're not doing it, though.
I don't believe in it.
But Craig does.
Nah, he just wants a tax break.
End of the day, everyone wants to get one over on the tax man, innit?
I did find this wedding dream book he'd made.
Got very defensive about it.
When you ridicule a man's wedding dream book,
your crush his soul.
The wedding dream book is not Craig's soul.
Is it?
You tell me.
-Nima? -Yes?
I think Craig's soul is in the wheelie bin.
You might want to get it out then.
And get a wriggle on, if I were you.
It's bin day.
Bin day!
Welcome to our beautiful home.
Countdown to the reveal.
Rod will be popping the balloons shortly.
Me and Rod are rock solid.
So a certain interested party can keep her hands off his arse.
Got that?
The king prawns are the priciest item on that table,
so load up on those.
Hey, anyone got eyes on Moby Dick.
I thought he was with you.
You after that bloke who looks like Henry Cavill
with a side order of Tom Hardy?
-Aren't we all, love? -Bad news on that front.
Oh, missed my chance to catch Moby Dick.
Jason Pickles!
Ah!
I need to shoot something!
He's got her all het up, that lad.
He's all she ever talks about.
We all know what that means.
Espresso martini?
Don't mind if I do.
That's a big one.
I think it's jumbo.
Good to know.
Help a girl out?
So what's the plan?
-Save the princess. -Good plan.
That's where they're holding Princess Unicorn.
Can you help us?
I see. Hostage situation.
Sounds serious.
Good to have you back, Bansal.
Don't push it, Pickles.
I'm armed.
Come on then, Kiki, we'll go in.
I'll head 'em off round the back.
Keep your eyes on that door.
Stay safe.
Oh, yes! Yes!
Oh, my God.
It's me!
It's all me!
I'm the love of Craig's life!
Shit!
You moved on quickly.
The decree nisi only came this morning!
Cosmopolitan?
Thanks!
Yes. Yes.
-Now, this is a laugh, right? -It was.
And then I saw behind the made-to-measure curtain.
This food cost what I earn in a month!
That calendar's a hellscape.
Rod and Leanne have not had a clear weekend since Christmas!
Look at the size of the mortgage repayments.
Whoa!
The Kingswood executive high life does not come cheap!
I thought being housewife was tiring,
but being a Real Housewife,
now that's like running a small country.
Taken the sheen off her, has it?
God, no. I'm in awe!
Being a delicious *** who lives for drama,
it takes hard graft.
Leanne's my hero.
You're not gonna start living for the drama are you?
God no. Too tiring.
I live for cheese and sitting on the sofa.
But I'm really glad that Leanne's out there
fighting the good fight.
Right, I'm just gonna stick a wash on
and run the Hoover round.
Give her a bit more time for her art.
Security! Toni's gone AWOL! 'I repeat, Toni is off grid!'
'I want a ring of steel around Rod ASAP!'
Copy that.
I knew there'd be a big finale!
This is gonna be Christine Quinn meets Lisa Vanderpump.
Come on.
...and you just get a much warmer sound with vinyl.
Who's a dirty boy then?
Delicious.
Oh.
I mean, I knew...
I knew I was "the one."
You should see it. It's all in here.
Go, go faster.
Does this thing go any faster?
What's your name?
I'm getting a brother.
Me, too.
I hate boys.
Come on, let's play a trick.
You've not heard, "Solsbury Hill,"
till you've heard it at 45 RPM.
Mmm, quite the mouthful.
Yeah...
Hello, Kingswood!
So, what do we reckon?
Boy or girl?
Well, me and my gorgeous wife
will reveal the answer very soon.
-Okay? -Yeah!
Well done, Team Rainbow Star.
That was a good mission.
You saved Princess Unicorn!
All down to your leadership, ma'am.
Special shout-out to Rana
for not shooting any of the good guys, for once.
Was that a joke, Pickles?
Perhaps.
Now it's time for medals.
Hey, I quite like the sound of the Rainbow Star Unit.
I might transfer.
Will you miss me?
Right? What mission should we do next?
Excuse me!
Oh, chill out, Rod, I'm not here for you.
Excuse me.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, everyone. Quick announcement.
My Craig made this.
I mean, hours, he spent hours cutting up the Next catalogue.
Security to the stage, now!
-Toni's defiling my event! -'Roger that.'
-It's his wedding dream book. -Wait.
-And what did I do? -Let her do this.
I dismissed it and I took the piss.
I, I crushed his soul.
- Are you gonna let ruin my day. - Let her do this.
Let's not make a scene.
But it's okay, Craig, I get it now. I do.
I know how you feel about me. It's all in this book.
Oh, my God.
It's me, isn't it?
'Cause these losers, these *** losers,
yeah, you, you've got no chance.
Because I'm your leading lady.
You're going nowhere, Craig.
It's me.
I'm the one.
It's okay. It's okay.
I complete you.
I make you want to be a better man.
I had to you at hello.
Yeah.
-Yeah, come on. -Yeah. No.
And I don't believe in marriage, but...
But you do...
What?
So I'm gonna make you the happiest man alive
by asking...
Craig, will you marry me?
Catch that gender!
Move!
-Move! Move! -Go. Keep clear.
-Keep clear! -Move! Move!
Good shot.
What do you say?
Yes. Yes, of course, I'll marry you.
That's why I asked you.
Come here.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Aw...
Do you want to know?
We're having a boy, aren't we?
Yeah.
Rana--
Would you rather I stunned you again?
No, ma'am.
You don't propose at another woman's gender reveal.
I hear you, love. Ultimate taboo.
As I said to Suzie Bates when her bouncy castle exploded,
karma's a ***.
In't it?
So, is the baby a boy or a girl?
Don't worry about that, Dane love.
What say we go home and I'll reveal my gender?
He says he wants to give you another present.
Okay.
That's nice of your brother, isn't it?
There you go...
What do you think to boys now?
I like 'em.
They give you things.
That's my girl.
Wait. You're not gonna take my surname, are you?
Why?
I think it's pretty obvious, mate.
What do you mean?
I think it's got a nice ring to it.
And the Oscar goes to...
Toni Blair.
Ah...