I have had a really shit day
and I am in the mood for a food coma.
Get your scart cable out for the lads,
'cause we're going old school DVD.
I'm sorry, love. I can't tonight.
Something's come up.
But I've just told you, I've had a really shit day.
And I'm in the mood for some Mum TLC.
Can't you rustle up a date? Take your mind off it.
What about that bloke from the post office?
Mum, he calls it his "junk mail"
Is it?
You get yourself home,
get yourself some patties on me?
You fobbing me off with patties?
Mum, what's going on?
Hey, I've got to go. You're letting the cold air in.
And I can't do this Sunday either.
What about our date at the climbing wall?
Men in Lycra?
Small and flexible.
Just your type.
- Mum? - Can't risk it.
A woman from Pilates snapped her arm there like a breadstick.
- That place is a death trap. - Wha...
- Thanks, sweetheart! - Hey! They're my...
Well, don't eat all those macaroons.
Don't forget about bowel gate!
Don't worry, I won't!
They're Ashley's favorite!
Ashley?
"The brave women protest hand in hand,
joined together to make their stand."
Ah, the unique smell of theatre.
I think that's just the carpet, Tone.
And once into the night,
our brave mothers did take flight!
Grace. Grace.
Just bring it down.
I'd have been here earlier,
but there was an accident off Spring Bank,
and I stopped to have a look.
I didn't know Gloria was coming.
Mum just felt that as someone with a stage background
that she should, she should be here.
Who else has stage background, Craig?
Well, it'd be you.
Both, both of you do.
Ooh, phone's ringing.
- Hello. - And once into the night...
Who would have thought someone in our family
would be good enough to make it onto the stage
of the Hull Truck Theatre?
If you don't have anything nice to say
then your name is probably Gloria.
Jake, what did your last slave die off?
Exhaustion, probably?
Will you come and clean this mess up?
You do know we're spoiling him.
I was washing cars for a quarter of boiled sweets
when I was his age.
I love it when you talk about your Victorian childhood.
You ever get trapped under a loom?
Cheeky beggar.
Come on, Ashley, answer your phone.
I've tried calling her 10 times and not once has she answered.
I did hard labor for those two
and, now, they're both ignoring me.
Jake!
If you don't let go, you're gonna push her away completely.
Yeah, all right, Oprah.
I'll see you later.
My phone's off all afternoon.
I don't wanna disturb the fish.
- Jake? - Coming!
Giving children space?
Fishing as a pastime
when it used to be the backbone of this city.
Everyone's gone soft in the head, Dane.
I mean, what's next?
Therapy dogs in boots?
My wife and I are good tenants.
She's not my wife, she's my girlfriend.
She won't marry me but that's another story.
You can't just let someone in for a viewing without letting us know.
Oh, this is you letting us know?
What if I want...
Look...
And once into the night...
Cold call. All good.
Can we have Grace again, please?
Grace again! Grace again! Grace again.
I think my Finlay's next.
Bossy cow.
"The brave women protest hand in hand..."
Oh, that kid better not get the narrator over our Grace,
he's really annoying.
That's what happened to you at the Jazzamatazz Theatre School, back in Nottingham.
- Oh, when I was Oliver? - You weren't Oliver.
You were fourth urchin.
The kid that got the lead,
his mother was a sharp- elbowed so and so.
Barged us out of the way.
Why didn't you say something?
Well, you know me.
I don't like confrontation.
No, you don't, do ya?
Grace? You got big dreams, hmm.
You want fame?
Well, you do and fame costs,
but this is where it starts.
Right here, right now,
with the blood and the sweat and the tears, okay?
Hey. Hey, baby, what are you doing?
It's dog eat dog, the theatre, you know?
Listen, you just don't understand
because of your, "proper job," hmm?
Are you trying to live vicariously through our daughter?
No, I'm just trying to live, actually, Craig,
before I'm back on a beanbag,
having the life drained out of my right nipple!
And the part of narrator goes to Grace.
Grace!
Okay, well, as her mother and chaperone,
I'd like a quick look around those dressing rooms
to make sure they meet our exacting standards.
Oh, no, we can't have both parents chaperoning.
It interferes with the child's inner artist.
Also, fire regulations.
Ah, Craig.
She wants me to stay.
Mum, that means you, too.
That's it, Craig.
Elbows out for our Grace.
You've reached Nima's phone.
You know what to do. Innit?
Hiya, Mum, it's me.
Will you please pick up?
This is like the tenth call.
Decent arrest this morning, Bansal.
I mean, you're good anyway, but...
I think that's the best work I've seen you do these past two months.
Well, it didn't feel like it.
Everything's pointless.
I feel like I've reached your level of life.
Life's a ***, and then you die.
If you're lucky.
I don't know who for or what for,
but my mum's ignoring me.
Too much expectation is placed
on the parent- child relationship.
We should all learn from the harp seal.
Abandon our young at two weeks.
Sayonara.
I take it back, I've not quite reached,
"Level Pickles."
Oh, look at him.
Jacks Jackson out of prison
and drinking pop like butter wouldn't melt.
But it always melts.
And when it does, I'll be there to catch it
like a law- enforcing butter dish.
I think he's got something to do
with the new drugs gang in town.
That leopard hasn't changed his spots.
Hasn't changed his tracksuit either by the looks of it.
Let's keep an eye on him.
See if he brings us closer to the drug supply.
Bit of nice distraction to be honest.
Oh, you say that now
but when the spice rolls in and Queen Victoria Square
looks like a scene fromThe Walking Dead,
you'll soon change your tune.
Will you stop spraying steak- bake all over the car?
- It's like being inside a snow- globe. - I'm sorry.
There's an evidence bag under there, use that!
Under there! It's under there!
Where's he gone?
Oh, shit. I didn't, er...
And the young boy asked,
"Mother, when will Father be coming home?"
I think that'd be much better as direct male speech.
Gives some gender balance.
Excuse me, but that's not his line. Sorry, but...
Mother, when will Father be coming home?
Lovely, Finlay.
You can't do that.
Is everything all right?
It's like taking a line from Brando
and giving it to Big Bird.
Yeah, right, er, back to you, Grace.
He's been going to Stage Rats for four years.
He's borderline professional. You can't do that.
I think I just did.
And the young boy asked,
"Mother, when will Father be coming home?"
Cutie.
- Hiya. - Childless, Toni.
They've all flown the nest.
Jake's eight.
Dane's taken him fishing.
That's how it starts.
Next thing you know, you're on your own,
watching Homes Under the Hammer in a high- backed chair,
with no one to change the channel.
Well, at least, he hasn't sacked you.
Grace chose Craig to go with her
to rehearsals instead of me.
So she got the part?
That's not the point, Paula.
My mum's being a right cowbag.
She stole some macaroons from me.
She knocked back Jason Statham,
and she hasn't picked up the phone to me once all weekend.
Then, I saw her come out of the chemist
wearing aPeaky Blinders'cap and run off down a ten- foot.
Is this a cheese dream?
And that snidey backstabber Ashley were there, too.
Hold on. What?
Why's she hanging out with Nima?
What's wrong with hanging out with me?
Because we all kill our mothers, Paula.
Haven't you ever seenElectra?
If it isn't on ITV2 chances are, no.
I'm not having this. I'm her only living child.
What about Dane?
I'm gonna ask you a question that I could have asked Grace
if she hadn't picked Craig over me.
What's your motivation?
My motivation is to find out what the actual *** is going on.
And why my mum and Ashley handed a package to Jacks Jackson,
a known criminal who I nicked a few months back.
Oh, my God.
She's dragging my baby girl into the underworld.
I've read Martina Cole, I know how this shit ends.
You're upside down in a skip with your throat cut.
All right, dial it down a bit, P?
Enough, chat. I'm gonna find 'em.
I'm bloody coming, too.
Oh!
Can we go in the police car?
That'll show Grace and Craig who the fun parent is.
Rana, we can be inHot Pursuit.
Don't ever let me hear you say that again.
- Go on. - I'm going...
- Mum? - Have you not got a key?
Don't come for me, Toni!
Brand new air fryer!
That is not the Nima I know.
She doesn't even open an Argos catalogue
without telling me about it first.
Is that a voice- activated kettle?
- Kettle boil... - Kettle boiling.
That's up there with the printing press and the wheel, that.
Where did she get the money for all of this lot?
Has she got a new fella?
They're always buying her stuff.
Remember when she went out with Mike from Yankee Burger?
It were wall- to- wall quarter pounders
for a good portion of the early nineties.
My mum tells me about all of her fellas.
I thought we told each other everything.
Ash bought a coat from Very...
and she didn't pay in installments.
She is getting money from somewhere.
Abnormal spending activity,
note to cross reference with bank accounts.
That's the calculator, Toni.
Let's focus.
Let's get our facts straight.
The suspect, Mum, has been seen consorting
with a known criminal,
clearly hiding something.
And is ignoring her only loving daughter
in favor of her granddaughter.
I'm not sure that last charge will hold in court.
Ashley can't be a criminal.
Nobody wants a convict blading their eyebrows.
Even if she's totally lost the run of herself,
Mum won't change the habit of a lifetime.
Do you know what today is?
Monday.
Half- price Monday at...
Vanity Nails...
Oh, God! Who's this?
Pickles, right, go on, clear off.
Come on.
- Hiya. - Where are you?
I've got you a sausage sarnie.
It's not gonna stay un- ate for long.
Something's come up.
Can you tell the boss it's women's troubles?
He'll get the ick and not question it.
Er, the monthly burden.
Something that all of the human race benefits from
yet only half of us truly understand.
Free tampons would be a start.
Anyway can you cover for me or not?
I'm not sure I can.
The meeting about Jacks Jackson's sightings
has been moved up from tomorrow to today.
The boss wants it as high priority.
All right, fine. I'm on my way.
Two- hundred quid.
Oh, it does make a nice cup of tea, though.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but you two go to Vanity Nails,
and if you see my mum and Ashley
squeeze the truth out from them
like the pair of lemons that they are.
Can I make a citizen's arrest?
Uh, yeah, but only on Toni if she saysHot Pursuitagain.
Feel free to use the truncheon on her.
Go on.
It's a nail salon, not a Mexican border coke den.
Paula, those tables could all flip
the minute your back's turned.
These lot'll stop shellacking and start weighing and bagging.
Hello, ladies.
We're chocka today, half- price Monday.
Gotta book.
We're looking for Nima Bansal, aka the Hessle Road Hustler.
I'm not sure I've seen her.
Oh, you're all right, we'll wait for her.
Can I offer you ladies a free foot massage?
- No. - Yes.
- No. - Free.
- I know. No- - - Paula.
Let me have this.
- Just relax. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You've got lovely feet.
- Oh, this is so nice. - Yeah.
- Ashley? - Mum?
Shoes on quickly.
- Leg it! - Quickly. Quickly. Quickly.
Put me shoes on, please.
Got to be quicker than that.
No. No. No.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, they've gone.
I knew, I shouldn't have left you two by yourselves.
Mum's not home and there's no car in the drive.
She texted me saying she was off to Zumba.
That's a blatant lie.
You'd have to hold a gun to that woman's head to make her sweat.
There you are. Ashley called.
She said everything's fine. You need to chillax.
I'll chillax her, when I get hold of her.
She's up to no good, Dane,
and she's gonna drag us all down with her.
Why is she sending messages through you like a bad grass?
Might have something to do with this energy?
Oh, really? Just get out.
I can't cope with this.
Someone tell me something nice.
How did Grace get on today?
She's in bed.
Craig says she needs downtime and minimal lighting.
It's like living with Joan Crawford,
and I don't mean Grace.
Oh.
One more time.
Big Lil thumped her hand on the table
and said to her daughter, Virginia,
"Virginia, enough is enough!"
- Again. - Big Lil thumped her hand- -
Oh, we don't have any leads.
Nima's gone dark on us.
Ashley's saying everything's fine,
but she hadn't made a "Get ready with me,"
on TikTok for the last 24 hours.
We're just in the middle of a rehearsal.
Actually, I've got a few suggestions
for Grace to run through.
It's nothing major. All pretty chill.
- Oh, I can run lines... - No, no.
Er, we're just not ready to reveal the performance
until it's showtime, that's all.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I know how you feel.
Yeah.
Can't say too much about the work I'm doing with Rana either.
It's pretty, erm, sensitive stuff.
Yeah, another day,
another chance to clean up the mean streets of Hull.
What, do you want it open or closed?
Closed!
Again!
Come on, Toni.
Right, where we going?
Shush, I'm trying to track her phone.
Can't be that secure.
All she does is order stuff from QVC on it.
I've tried everything, my date of birth.
- Dane's, Jake's, Ashley's. - Her's?
Oh, it's hard to know which one, it's always shifting.
Oh, wait, um, when's that George Clarke's?
Ah, I love him.
He can come and get in my tiny space
whenever he wants.
Who's George Clarke?
27, 05, 74.
See if that works.
Yes, got it.
- Oh, great. - She's on the move.
Okay. I don't wanna hear this one.
Throw this one away, okay?
Pretend this sentence doesn't exist. Throw it away.
I've seen off bigger and better than you.
He beat off 500 girls to play Matilda at Leeds Varieties.
You have no idea what I'm capable of.
No one, and I mean, no one puts Craig in the corner.
Listen to me...
Throw this one away.
He is rubbish, you got this.
You are loads better than him. Ten times better than him.
Try it again.
- I've tried it. - Well, try it again.
What do you want me to do, Paula?
This is your fault. You made me go into fourth earlier.
Have you never been above third gear?
Rana, you're talking to a woman who only turns left.
Give her space, Dane said.
I'll give her *** space when I see her.
I'll launch her into it!
Whoa.
That is a real skill Paula.
Do not take the piss, Rana.
No, I'm not. Seriously, I'm genuinely impressed.
Like the Rock, but smaller version.
What, the Pebble?
Oh, oh, she's on the move!
She's heading back to hers!
Oh, well, let's sack this then.
Let's go to Hull Truck Theatre.
Craig's there. We can use our car.
- Rana, you know what this is, don't you? - What?
- It's a hot pursuit. - I'm gonna punch you in a minute.
It's a high temperature chase.
Shh. Oh, it's Pickles. Shut up! Hiya.
Yeah, I know you're fed- up, Rana
and you're trying to prove that you're a lone wolf.
But there's talk that this new gang is dangerous.
If you're trying to track them on your own, you need backup.
No, I'm not. I promise.
Would I lie to my partner? I'm...
I'm... Sick.
Yes, so sick.
I'm just burning up.
Like I'm in a hot fire.
I'm just been freezing cold,
like a, a polar bear.
Okay, well, get better.
Yeah, I will. I'll try. Thank you, Pickles, bye.
Yeah, remind me to work on some basic realistic coughs, Rana,
'cause, well I'm the queen of the sickly, and that...
Yeah that...
I thought that was brilliant.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize a play
about the brave women of Hull
was actually a celebration of male mediocrity.
Hey, girls? What are you doing here?
We got the bus in. Erm, we need the car. Stat.
- Right. - Thank you.
There we go, you're driving...
Hello, are you all right?
I don't want to be the narrator anymore.
Finlay should do it.
You get back up there right now, young lady,
and get those lines back off Finlay, you hear me?
Who have you become?
Oh, God, I'm a terrible man.
Can I ask you all to leave please?
Yeah.
Come on.
Can't take the pressure.
You wanna count yourself lucky
it's my fella you've been dealing with and not me.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, you'd be begging, all right.
I'd have every line off your Finlay
and in my Grace's very capable gob.
They don't call me the Kris Jenner of Hull for nowt.
Come on, let's go...
Oh, my God, it's like Goodfellasin there.
Right, you two, go round the back, and head her off.
And make sure she doesn't do a runner.
And don't lose her this time.
Mum, whatever it is you're up to, you've got to tell me.
I don't know why you have to do this on your own.
If this is what we think this is, this is way bigger than you.
How did you find the address?
- Oh, did you follow me here? - Yeah, of course, I did.
I've got your back.
And I think you may have led us to the center of this drugs operation.
You can't go in there.
Trust me, you can't, all right?
I don't want any trouble here.
I'll come in without a fight.
It's just remedies for the perimenopausal.
All the hallmarks of a drugs ring.
- Drugs ring? - I'm arresting you...
Mum, get back inside! Get inside!
- That's your mum? - Yes.
And if anyone's gonna bring her in, it's gonna be me.
I am so sorry, Pickles, but that's just the way it is.
Rana, I can't do this. I'm arresting you on- -
Does it hurt?
What the hell is going on, Mum?
- Are you running some sort of criminal enterprise? - Am I? Heck...
Ashley and I are simply offering a much- needed service.
Gran's the menopause queen.
Everyone comes to her for tips and help.
End of day, it's money in your back pocket, innit?
People are paying hand over fist for my fish collagen.
I've got a nice little deal going, with a few fish factories.
They get rid of the fish scales.
My ladies get rid of their turkey necks.
What about Jacks Jackson?
His mum's one of my ladies.
She wanted me to get her hormone gel
while she was at the caravan at In- gold- mells.
Ingoldmells, Gran.
Why didn't you just tell me?
You trusted Ashley and not me.
Some things are just gonna have to be on a need- to- know basis.
And where do you come into this, Lady Muck?
Hmm, I've just been giving massages and helping out.
- I love it. - I pay her. I'm not a skinflint.
I've saved up enough for us to go on a spa day, Mum.
I realized you might be feeling a bit weird
about me leaving home.
I knew it, didn't I say,
"It'll all be something out of nothing
and it'll all be totally fine."
I recall something more along the lines of
upside down in a skip with her throat cut, but...
We were having a right laugh, weren't we, Gran?
It's just what I need after the year I've had.
We were like Bonnie and...
Bonnie.
Didn't need a Clyde.
Just another fella to get on your twangers.
Rana, we need to talk.
But later, when I stop twitching.
What?
Are you okay?
You were right, mate. Theater's dog eat dog, innit?
You know, I've got a real appreciation for what you do.
You should've seen me today.
I was giving very good Frances McDormand
inFargoenergy.
I'll bet you were. Yeah.
I'm just so glad we're not like all those other parents.
- Hmm. - And we can actually just love Grace for who she is.
Yeah.
We're ace.
We are ace.
You want to see my cheerleading routine?
- Oh, yeah. - Of course, darling.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
Yeah, it's a bit sloppy on the entry.
Yeah, go again, Grace, but snappier.