This is a very desirable area.
Great community spirit.
Oh, that's so important for us.
Boffing your own mother's boyfriend!
You're no daughter of mine!
I loved it, Mum, and I'd do him again in a heartbeat!
You hussy!
Someone's nicked me door again.
Tell me who and I'll batter 'em!
It's twice this month.
-This way. -Could be anyone round here.
Oh, we're just getting the morning blaze on.
It's acrid.
Yeah, it's tradition around here,
bin fire every morning. The whole street does it.
Good for the lungs, eh, Gracie?
- Shall we go inside? - Oh, yeah. Come on in, my lovelies.
What happened to your eye?
Oh, some urchin tried to steal my hub caps.
-That's awful. -Yeah.
I mean, you get used to it, don't you?
-Comes with the territory. -Yeah.
You know, we have to go, actually.
Yeah, thanks for your time.
No, er...
-Bye now. -See you.
Nicely played, Ms. Callaghan.
I don't know what you mean.
I'm gonna sell this house whether you like it or not.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Well, good luck.
I'll see you soon.
And scene.
Another successful production from the Toni Callaghan Playhouse.
Young Grace did go off script a bit.
Flicked a V at Phil and Kirstie.
Grace, remember, you're Molly from Annie, not the Artful Dodger.
Oh, going inside, are you?
She's so moody at the moment.
Well, she's got a lot on her plate.
She's only had one line and she didn't even say it.
Talking about the baby, the house up for sale.
Oh, God, yeah. That.
Do you know what?
I keep forgetting about them 'cause I'm handling them so well.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are. -Oye, oye.
Bravo, ladies.
-Yes. -Thank you.
Rana, you are such a convincing slapper.
-I know. -Do you want to, er, come round for breakfast?
Craig's making eggs, as a thank you from me.
Oh, I can't. I'm on an OP with an MMMIY.
An MMMIY? What's that, like, a new department?
Nah. Jason Pickles.
The Most Miserable Man in Yorkshire.
Not an easy crown to claim.
Lots of misery guts in God's own country.
Got my first shift with him today.
Eight hours of... "Hull is a cosmic joke
played by a God who doesn't exist."
Shar!
Oh, my God, you were great!
-Such pain! -Thanks.
Craig!
-Bring Shar's gate back! -Will do.
Anytime, Toni.
We renters need to stick together.
Oh, tell me about it.
Insecure housing posse In da house
Till our landlords Try and sell them!
Such a nightmare, honestly.
-All right, no splinters today! -Ah.
Let's get that door back on, Shar.
Oh, Super Craig to the rescue!
My hero.
Aw, Shar's real friendly, isn't she?
-Tone, that ain't friendly. -Yeah. That's flirting.
What? Women don't flirt with Craig.
He got his last pair of trousers from the Middle of Lidl.
It's not about his trousers, love, it's about what's in 'em.
And that boy is aging like a fine wine.
-Is Craig aging like a fine wine? -Oh, and that is my cue to leave.
I'm gonna bob the kettle on.
What do you think?
Any notes, Toni?
Bold costume choice, Dane.
What's going on with you two?
We're in a sexual standoff.
I'm not getting another IUD.
He won't get the snip. Stalemate.
Is that why he's got those tiny shorts?
Yeah, he's wearing me down, so I break first, but it won't work.
I can see what you're doing, Dane.
Yeah. I mean, we all can, in those shorts.
Yeah, see you at the next bin fire.
Okay.
Oh, aren't you tall?
-Can you reach that high? -Yeah. Yeah.
-I've got really long limbs. -Oh, that's magic, Craig.
Want me to go a little higher for you?
No, that's the spot.
Keep it there.
No more. This isn't fair.
-We've done the hard years of parenting. -It's true.
Ashley's thriving at college.
Minecraft takes excellent care of Jake.
We should be getting our sexual second wind now.
We deserve it after the year we've had.
And instead we're in a terrible nookie drought.
Driving me up the wall.
I shut my finger in till seven times this week.
I know. I cut through a mains cable yesterday,
thinking about you in your bunny ears.
Well, you know the solution.
I'm not getting a vasectomy, Paul.
I'm not getting another IUD. It's your turn. I did 11 years.
No-one's coming near my balls with a soldering iron!
When they burn the tubes, it smells like Peri-peri chicken.
Oh, really?
Well, having a metal cocktail umbrella jammed up your cervix
isn't a trip to Center Parcs, either!
Well, I guess the standoff continues.
And when you break,
you know where I am.
I won't break. I'm rock hard.
I know the feeling.
All right?
Hull is a cosmic joke played by--
By a God who doesn't exist?
Yeah. Heard that one, too.
If you're so miserable in Hull, why did you transfer here?
I applied to the Met,
but someone in HR ticked the wrong box.
Now that's a cosmic joke!
Fine, mock me.
But ask yourself why you need to?
Do you fear sincerity?
Chill out, True Detective, we don't do dark and moody.
We do Chip Spice, so put a sock in it,
'cause we've got justice to serve.
Ah, okay, justice,
man's desperate--
Oh, thanks again, Craig.
You really are handy.
Oh, picked it up off Netmums. Yeah, they're great with DIY.
That and the seven signs you're ovulating.
-What else did those mums teach you? -Oh loads. Yeah.
Do you want me to pop round and bleed your radiators for you?
You really know what women want.
Well...
-What was that, Toni? -You were flirting with her.
-No, I bloody wasn't? -Yes, you were.
And she was flirting back. Bleed her radiator!
That was a genuine offer.
Oh, when did you last bleed my radiators, Craig?
Last week, when you fell asleep in front of Gogglebox.
Oh, right.
Yeah, well, I know flirting when I see it.
I basically invented it.
-You invented flirting? -Yeah.
And damn straight. I'm the flirt master!
-You're really not, mate. -Oh, yeah, I am.
Yeah. I just choose not to practice my art when you're around.
Out of courtesy to you.
How very noble of you, I had no idea.
Well, the gloves are off now, Craig.
Two can play that flirting game.
Grace, it's time for school!
Yeah, watch out, world.
Toni Callaghan is back on the flirting scene.
Yeah, and she's feeling frisky!
Grace!
-Hiya. -Ah...
Hiya.
Who's this tall drink of water?
Are you thirsty, love?
I am now.
-Is she all right? -Jury's out on that one, mate.
Might wanna take that black eye off, Tone.
Eh, up. Who's this then?
No, she hasn't...
Are you in charge?
What you doing here?
I'm from City Hall.
I'm here to inspect your equipment.
Yes, ma'am.
Show me what you can do with that.
That is a very large piece.
You clearly know what to do with it.
Be careful it doesn't go off unexpectedly.
Bloody hell!
City Hall had a makeover.
What happened to Bernard?
Right, everything we've got on Jacks Jackson.
You can never truly know who another man is.
You can have a pretty good idea.
Looks like your standard drug dealer.
Peddling the promise of respite to desperate souls.
Oh, he's an idiot, but he's basically harmless.
No one's harmless, Rana.
Every breath we take poisons a planet.
There goes some rainforest.
So you think Jackson's the one who's been seen dealing here?
It's his MO, for sure.
But when his daughter was born, I really thought he'd go straight.
People don't change.
We just tell ourselves they can, so our hearts don't break.
You've always been a miserable git, then, have you?
Just have my eyes open, Rana.
Oh, well, your mouth's certainly open.
Anyway, people can change, Pickles.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
I've got a good feeling about Jacks Jackson.
Is that him there?
-Oh, shit, yeah. -Dealing drugs to that teenager?
Yeah, all right, Pickles. Don't rub it in.
Oi! Jacks, you ***!
Jack, you can get back here!
Jack?
Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?
Mmm.
Oh, Grace!
Don't snatch.
-Sorry, Missy. -It's okay, Grace.
Grace?
I don't know what to do about her at the moment,
- as a mother or a director. - Oh, I wouldn't worry.
I mean, they have lots of funny little phases at that age, don't they?
God, you're so right, er...
Rod. I'm Rod.
Rod.
Of course.
Rodney.
What do you want, Toni?
Just saying hello to your husband, being nice.
There's no law against that, is there?
You've got some shit in your hair.
I'll be in the Audi.
It, it's flame retardant foam!
I've been doing some street theater.
Don't mind her. It's hormones.
-What's wrong with everyone? -Oh, search me.
All right. Yeah. Arms up.
-Spread 'em. -Whoa, whoa.
Go easy on me, chief!
What if we make it a strip search?
Would you like that?
Well, I better head... Yeah...
-Stuff to do. -Of course.
Stuff. Yeah.
See you around, big fella.
This was nice.
Nailed it.
Excuse me.
Can you help me, miss?
What are you doing--
-Yeah. -Toni Callaghan?
Damn straight.
Who's this calling me up, all sexy?
This is Mr. Jarvis, Grace's head teacher.
Oh, God, oh, okay. Erm...
How are you? Are you all right?
-Business good? -Grace is fine.
But we do need you to come in later.
There was an incident.
Why... What... What's happened to Grace?
I can't get into it over the phone.
-See you shortly. -Oh.
-I've got a surprise for you. -And I've got one for you.
Ooh, centurion vibes.
We've got no condoms.
If you get me pregnant,
I'll get a soldering iron and I'll Peri-peri your bollocks meself.
I'll go down to the chemist.
Dane...
Jake could be home in a minute.
What about the drawer the batteries are in?
No, I cleared that out last month.
-I'll go check the bathroom. -Ugh.
-Oh, where'd you find those? -That box of Ashley's stuff.
Dane, not our baby girl's condoms.
It's either that or this.
Dane...
I left Jacks sobbing in the cells.
Feel free to gloat or is gloating a construct too?
On the contrary, I wish I was wrong about the world, Rana.
But I never am.
Well, you're wrong about one thing, that jumper.
What you undercover as?
The '90s?
My granny made me this.
Attention all units.
Suspicious activity reported in parked vehicle,
Vicki Docks.
Cometh the dusk, cometh the doggers.
"Doggers"? No chance.
There's nothing sexy about Vicki Docks.
-It's got a bandstand. -Depravity knows no bounds, Rana.
Not in Hull.
-The thing about Hull-- -Oh, Pickles, you know...
You've been here a week.
You know nothing about Hull!
On the contrary, my fresh eyes see the city's true face.
Take me to Victoria Park and I'll demonstrate.
-Fine. Is your seat belt on? -No.
Poor Grace.
It's all the house and baby stuff.
It's just getting to her.
We'll talk to her.
Sort it all out.
Hmm.
So, what happened?
Ms. Callaghan. Let's hear your side of it.
Well, I wasn't there!
You're denying the accusation?
What accusation?
Er, the "unwanted cupping of a buttock."
Grace cupped a buttock?
No.
Ms. Callaghan did.
Oh, Toni!
Oh, that? Jeez...
That, that was nothing, Craig. I wasn't...
I was just getting my flirt on, 'cause...
I'm the flirt master.
Whose buttock did you cup?
-Rod. -Why, Rod?
-'Cause he was there. -Oh, mate.
What are our options?
We could keep it inside the school.
Oh, yeah. 'Cause you know it won't hold up in court!
Where's your evidence?
Anyway, seriously, Craig, he was asking for it.
Don't say that Toni.
Ms. Callaghan would need to take our course on respect though.
It's taught by puppets. Terrific fun.
But very informative.
-You can do that, right, Tone? -I'm not taking a course.
You have no jurisdiction over me.
Craig. Let's go.
This is a kangaroo court. They can't handle the truth.
Ms. Callaghan.
Please think about the example you're setting Grace.
And I'm thinking...
Thinking it's a brilliant example!
I'm teaching her to stick it to the man!
Sorry to interrupt.
Grace sprayed Tommy with a fire extinguisher.
That's what Mommy did to Daddy.
I'd like to speak to my lawyer.
It gives me no pleasure to prove you wrong, Rana.
Really, 'cause I'm getting quite a smug vibe.
Behold the true face of Hull!
-It's coming. -Police!
Don't shoot. We're not criminals.
We're in English heritage.
-Gloria? -What are you doing here?
Yeah, Glor's a whizz with my sticky zipper.
-I don't have the knack. -Oh.
- Medic. - I told him to take it back,
but he was so sold on the color.
Hands up who loves maroon?
What brings you to this notorious dogging location?
-We were on the bat walk. -It's a pipistrelle hot spot!
Oh, they weren't dogging, they were batting.
Guilty as charged.
I'm the Batman.
And I'm his Lady Robin.
Right, well, no vigilantism though, you two.
The ain't Leeds.
Received and understood, Constable.
Good.
Would you care for a coffee, Officer?
There's plenty of Mellow Birds in the thermos.
Aw, isn't that a lovely offer, eh, Constable Pickles?
I suppose so.
-I'll get me Dundee cake out. -Hmm.
Behold...
the true face of Hull.
-Oh! -Oh, God.
Oh.
That were...
I mean...
We got that oil everywhere, didn't we?
-Yeah, we did. -Yeah.
Where's your phone?
Google, "oil and condoms," will ya?
Oil and condoms.
"Using oil and condoms damages the latex, causing it to break."
Get your chuddies back on. We're going Boots.
To be fair, it's a very moist cake.
Not such a bad eight hours after all.
Mmm. They were passable.
So what you gonna do now then?
Bath, poetry and long dark night of the soul?
You've been reading my diary?
See you tomorrow, Pickles.
Oh, and Pickles?
Yeah?
That jumper's all right, actually.
Granny's got good taste.
Right, I bought Jake a burger, gave him his Nintendo,
and cracked a window.
Bought a pack of 80. That should last us a month.
Sixty quid? Jesus Christ.
Our sex drive's gonna eat us out of house and home.
Well, we could cut back?
Bank holidays and weekends only, but--
That's no life, Dane.
-I'll book a vasectomy. -I'll book an IUD appointment.
-Double bagging. -Safest way.
Martin Lewis'll be proud.
-You all right? -How can I help?
I need the morning-after pill.
When did the incident occur?
Four o'clock today.
And then about 4:10-ish.
4:30.
And then about 5:00.
Don't forget the, er...
Oh, yeah...
That one would have been about quarter past 5:00.
There or thereabouts.
Gloria?
Paula.
We saw you in the DIY shop.
Huge fans.
Could I book you for my 70th?
[Amber] Whose turn is it now, Fuzzy?
It's Toni's turn.
Toni, can you tell Fuzzy what respect means?
-You've got this, Tone. -It means not spraying people with--
That's okay. I'm gonna take this one.
-Respect means to-- -Ah...
Tell Fuzzy.
Well, Fuzzy,
respect means treating people how you want to be treated.
That's right, Toni.
High five.
Great job, Toni.
You girls have done brilliantly.
Who wants a sticker?
Come on.
That was so informative, Amber.
You have a real gift for puppetry.
Thank you. You know, I'm always looking for new trainers,
-if you're interested. -Oh, definitely.
I'll give you my email.
Oh, Fuzzy wants my email, Craig.