Toni Veronica Elspeth Callaghan,
will you marry me?
- That doesn't sound like a yeah. - Why?
- Why are you doing this to me? - Because I love you?
And we always talked about getting married one day.
One day, one day. Not today.
When we're grown up and settled down.
I hate to break it to you, mate,
but we are grown up and settled down.
Don't say that.
We're young, and we're wild, and we're free.
We own a bread maker.
That we don't use, Craig. That we don't use.
Where do you think those little warm loaves come from, that you like?
I don't know.
Hey, you can say no, Tone.
- I promise I can handle it. - No, I don't wanna say no.
I just don't wanna say yes, either.
- Like, I wish you hadn't asked. - Yeah, me, too, now.
Just think about it, yeah?
I don't need an answer right away.
Just roll it round your head for a bit, okay?
Okay.
Craig!
Yeah?
What's for breakfast?
Freshly baked...
Cornfl... We've got cornflakes, mate.
Aright.
You're living here now, then?
Nah, Mum wanted to be left alone.
She's prepping for one of the legendary all-day poker tournaments.
How much prep do you need to play cards?
Oh, she were in an ice bath when I left.
Says it sharpens the mind.
- You're not invited? - Oh, too rich for my blood.
Those ladies come for everything. Even I can't keep up.
And, anyway, I've got a shift later.
Me, too. Sunday drudgery.
Oh, you're both here, thank God.
- What's up with you? - Craig.
- It's Craig. - What?
What's happened? Is he okay?
He's asked me to marry him.
Oh.
Yeah, he said he were gonna do that.
- You knew? - What's the big deal?
You're practically married already?
No, no, we're dating. We're boyfriend and girlfriend.
We're going steady.
All right, Sandra Dee, when's the big day then?
- Didn't say yes. - You've turned him down?
No!
Ran away.
Craig really is a lucky man.
Rana, I had to. He kept looking at me with his sad eyes.
Listen, can I hide out here with you, Paula?
Sorry, Tone, the grindstone calls.
Yep. And for me.
Oh, I hope it's better than yesterday.
God, that were brutal.
- Had to do a death call. - What's a death call?
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
Police. Your dad's dead.
"Your dad's dead." Who?
- Oh, right. - Except it wasn't right.
This fella in Southcoates had a few lads over.
- Bit of FIFA, few tinnies. - Classic night in.
I turn up looking how I do,
and they think I'm a strippergram.
Start yelling, "Get 'em off," and pawing at me handcuffs.
Well, the mood soon changed when I told him
his dad had been decapitated in an RTA on the Cottingham Road.
- Oh, my God. - Oof!
Today's gotta be an improvement.
No, no, no, don't leave!
Rana, please. Please!
- Where will I go? - Home.
But then I'll have to talk to Craig!
- Exactly. - Paula! Paula.
I don't want to be alone.
Then get married.
Hiya.
All right, Chris, mate?
You've left your undies in my locker.
Oh, word to the wise, mate.
That nylon thong's gonna give you cystitis.
Nah, it's yours Rans. It's for your next house call.
Oh, right.
Heard about that then, have you?
So did you tell him about his dead dad
before or after the lap dance?
- All right, mate, drop it. - Yeah. Drop it like it's hot.
***head.
All right, Rans, just a bit of banter.
Is there a receipt in your locker?
Just 'cause I've gotta take all that stuff back?
Paulster.
What we doing outside, Bri?
I forgot the key.
Blimey, Paulster, that were ace.
How'd you do that?
Bluetooth, mate.
Welcome to the Paulster's Sunday session.
I'll put the kettle on.
- I love shifts with you. - Of course, you do.
Let's hope it's a quiet one.
No annoying customers.
Paula.
Craigy.
That's a well-pressed shirt.
Oh, God, Mum. I totally forgot. I invited you for a roast.
Greetings and salutations, young Craig.
Oh.
A little something for you.
Thanks, mate.
It's a literal and metaphorical clean slate.
A fresh start for all of us.
After Toni's appalling behavior last night,
where is she?
Having one of her famous lie-ins?
- Quite the slugabed. - No, she's gone out, actually.
After I asked her to marry me.
Oh, Craig.
- Craig! - May I be the first to wish you congratulations
- and felicitations. - Thanks, mate.
Actually, she didn't say yes.
Well, in that case, commiserations and consolations.
Thanks, mate.
Craig. I'm so sorry.
Still, plenty more fish in the sea.
That Tash, from my Ramblers group,
was asking after you again.
We're, we're not splitting up.
No, but she's just not sure she wants to marry me, that's all.
Then she's a fool.
Any woman would feel lucky to marry you.
- I would. - So would I.
You're a prime catch, young Craig.
Reel you in.
Just like that.
- Reel you in. - Come on.
Come on. Come on. Out you get.
Wahey! Officer Hot Stuff's here.
Have you guys not got any work to do?
You know a man died, right?
Well, can I get a private dance, baby?
You've got five seconds to get the hell away from me
or you'll never be able to enjoy a stripper again.
Ooh, don't be like that, baby.
*** you.
Just giving you a tip.
You shouldn't do that.
What's this? A part of service?
- I'm not paying extra. - Shut up!
Oi! Bansal!
What the bloody hell is going on?
- Sarge... - She's lost it, boss.
We were just having a bit of a laugh.
Inside, now!
Keep your hair on, Rans. And your hat on.
Cor, you can't say anything now, can you?
Did you film it?
I wanna make a complaint, sir.
What? Against Garrett?
- The colleague you just assaulted. - He's been on my case all morning.
What about this stripper thing?
Bloody hell, Bansal. Do you not think you're overreacting?
You don't wanna look like you can't take a joke.
It's just a bit of banter.
It's not banter, Sarge, it's sexual harassment.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's a very big word.
Actually, sir, it's two words.
Now, don't get smart. I'm trying to help you.
You know, Chris's dad plays squash with the chief constable.
Not very often, given the size of the chief constable.
What did I just say about getting smart?
The chief constable is very sensitive about his weight.
It's just a bit of banter, Sarge, Can he not take a joke?
Now look,
professionally, I'm very happy for you to make a complaint.
But, personally,
I suggest you go and apologize to Chris
and we'll say no more about it.
You want me to apologize to him?
I just want a quiet life, Rana.
Good luck with that.
What's that?
Cement.
Oh, so what's that then?
Also cement. It's a pallet of cement.
Clear off.
I thought, we're not supposed to speak to customers like that.
She's not a customer, Brian. She's my sister, Toni.
Didn't know The Paulster had a sister.
- "The Paulster"? - Yeah, it's just a nickname.
So, er, do you work in DIY as well, Toni?
Oh, God, no, never.
- I'm an actor. - No way.
Never met an actor before. That's really cool, that's really cool,
that, innit, Paulster?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. She's going now.
Can you stick the playlist back on, please, Brian?
So, have you ever been on tellie?
I've done some commercial work, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, for Coniston Garden Centre. She was a slug.
Were that you?
I loved that slug.
That way you shriveled up at the end, it were class.
"I'm melting."
Do you know what? I improved that line.
No, you never.
You stole it from the Wicked Witch of the West.
Can you go home, please?
Oh, please don't make me go home.
I can't face Craig.
- Who's Craig? - He wants me to marry him.
Ah, well, I bet that happens all the time when you're an actress.
Men throwing themselves at you.
It does, actually, God.
Must be something about my star quality or...
Oh, for God's sake!
Craig's her partner, Brian. They live together.
She's pregnant with his child.
Just marry him.
Marriage is what boring people do.
I've been married for 17 years, Toni.
Yeah, Paula.
And I don't want to end up like you, married...
and working in some factory.
It's a DIY store, Toni.
Well, she has got a point, Paulster.
I mean, she doesn't wanna end up boring like me and you.
Like me?
- Hey up, customer alert... - No, no, no. No. I can handle it.
You stay chatting to Toni.
She's the interesting one.
So, have you done any soaps?
I don't really see myself as a soap actress.
- I'm more classical. - Ah, right.
Just 'cause I've got a cousin that worked on Emmerdale.
I mean, I love Emmerdale, God.
Yeah, I'd be great on Emmerdale.
Just see me with a shepherd's crook.
Do you think he could get me an audition?
Er, well, I could ask. I mean anything for The Paulster's sister.
"Anything"?
Great.
How's the gammon looking, John?
Responding very well to my touch.
Ooh. I know how it feels.
Still not heard from Toni, Mum.
Imagine if she says no.
Just always dreamt we'd get married one day.
I know, love.
You used to hold weddings for all your teddies.
John doesn't need to hear that.
Oh, don't worry about that, young Craig.
I've already seen the photographs.
Brilliant.
You know, marriage isn't always the answer.
It can complicate things.
Look at me and your father.
Marriage isn't the reason Dad slept with all those other women, Mum.
It was his philandering soul.
Damn his eyes.
Imagine going out for burger when you've got steak at home.
Still, his loss is my gain.
John and I are clear, we'll leave our own knot untied.
But we may make a home together.
Oh, wow, Mum, that's moving really fast.
Don't worry, Craig.
You'll always be my best boy.
Mine, too.
But wherever I roam,
my heart will always be at Emmerdale Farm.
Was that all right?
I've never actually watched Emmerdale.
It were all right, yeah.
No, I didn't feel it. Let's go again.
It's got to be perfect for your cousin.
Oh, I will send it off to him, Toni. It's just that,
he only fixed wall at Wool pack that one time,
and I don't know how much sway he's got.
He'll have made contacts though.
- Will he? - Yeah.
It's how the industry works. It's who you know.
You know, wheels within wheels and backroom deals!
- Right. If you say so. - Yeah. Let's go again.
There's a delivery out back that needs bringing in, Brian.
When you've got a minute, yeah.
I mean, only if you've got time.
All right, Paulster, I'm coming right now.
No, no, no, no, no. One more. One more.
Look, I always get into my stride around take 28.
You don't mind, do you, Paula?
No. No, I don't mind at all.
Cool ice, me. You get Toni's take.
*** the Paulster.
Great.
I better go, really, ain't I? She's a bit het up.
Oh, God, that's just Paula, she's always like that.
The Paulster's chillaxed to the max.
"Chillaxed"? Have you seen her do a big shop?
You don't know her like I do.
Well, I do know her a little bit.
I've been working with her for quite a while now,
and from day one, she's always been The Paulster.
Well, I've been a sister for 35 years,
and when I'm around, she's always stressed.
- Yeah, there's a mystery. - Let's go again.
Brian, really try and capture what I'm giving you, okay?
Come a bit closer.
Erm, okay, I'll do it from that other bit.
There's something wrong with these sheep, Mr. Fothergill.
Mmm-hmm.
There's something wrong with these sheep, Mr. Fothergill!
Paulster?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
It's just a bruised coccyx. I'm fine.
Oh, careful, Paula.
You ruined that take.
- Hiya, Sharon. - Here, Rana,
You seen this?
Oh, my God. He's downloaded Photoshop.
It was up in the break room. Who?
Who do you think? Chris bloody Garrett.
Of course, "The Archbishop of Banterbury."
Someone ought to teach that boy a lesson.
Except they can't, can they?
'Cause his dad's tight with the chief constable.
- He's untouchable. - I dunno know, love.
I don't think anyone's untouchable.
You just have to work out how to touch them.
- Where is he? - Out on patrol.
Do you know anyone in dispatch, Sharon?
I've got a few friends. He's got a few enemies.
- How would they feel about doing us a favor? - Hello, love.
Mum, hiya. How's it going?
Just bagged Cathy's Ford Mondeo.
Cathy's Mondeo?
Nice.
Listen, erm...
Do you think you and your ladies
would be able to do something for me?
Yes.
Why didn't you tell me Barry's cousin works for Emmerdale?
Barry? He's called Brian.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Off in a hot bath and a bugger load of codeine won't sort.
You know your problem, don't you?
- What? - You never ask for help.
You don't see me lifting cement.
Oh, so that's my problem, is it?
Not my little sister herding pretend sheep down the plumbing aisle.
Well, yeah, that, and the help thing.
Just go home, Toni, please,
and leave me to my grout and my stop***,
'cause I was happy with my stop***.
Please don't make me go home, Craig'll...
What? Ask you to marry him?
What's so scary about that?
I just don't wanna be tied down.
What if this Emmerdale thing happens.
It won't.
Brian's cousin can't help ya,
unless you need a wall skimming.
Just grow up!
I'm just...
I'm still waiting for my big break, like...
- What if... - What?
Something better comes along?
You're 35.
You're five months gone and you live in Hull.
Spielberg isn't calling.
You don't know that. He might have seen my slug.
He didn't see your slug.
No one did.
Go home and say yes
to that nice man who wants to marry you,
because then you'll be his problem and not mine.
Yeah, well, Barry saw my slug, actually,
- and he *** loved it. - It's Brian.
He loved it!
Yeah, I reckon that's all sorted now, no harm done.
What's happened to Toni?
She's just made a dramatic exit.
Oh, that's a relief.
What? I thought you loved her.
I know she's your sister, but Christ, she's hard work, Paulster.
Yeah, I know.
She's a literal pain in the arse.
Yeah, I bet.
She's obviously a little bit lost without you, though.
Do you reckon?
She's lucky to have you, Paulster.
Has she took me phone?
Police, open up!
Hello.
We got a complaint about noise from this address.
- Have you now? - Can I come in?
I think you'd better, Officer.
It has been very loud, you know.
We've had a fair few Screaming Orgasms.
You what?
I'm afraid we've been very, very bad girls,
Ladies! He's here!
You don't understand! I'm a real police officer!
- Wha... - Get hold of his truncheon!
Don't put your hand there!
Hey, don't touch that!
- Hiya. - Hey up.
Where have you been?
We were supposed to have lunch with Mum today.
It doesn't matter now. I've got an answer for you.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'll marry you.
- Oh, mate. - Yeah.
I'll settle down and I'll be your wife.
Oh, that's great, Toni.
- I love you. - Yeah, I love you, too.
And, erm...
I want you to,
er, teach me how to use the bread maker.
It's really simple. You just...
Just pour flour in the top bit...
- Is everything okay? - Yeah.
I'm never gonna be a star. So I might...
Yeah. So I might as well, erm, yeah, get married.
Maybe you are a star, that's why I wanna marry you.
Oh, no, it's okay, Craig. Look, Paula set me straight.
I'm just a woman in Hull, and that's all I'll ever be.
So,
let's get married
Erm.
Yeah.
I've got the flour.
What does the bread maker look like?
And where do you keep it?
Come here. No, no.
Let's not...
- Let's not get married. - No?
But that's what you want.
I want to be with you.
I am.
I think we've got a good thing going.
That's what I think.
Then let's not mess with it, eh?
Oh, God, Craig.
You're the only person in the world I want to not marry.
You're a knobhead.
I know.
All right, Chris?
Good shift?
- Anything to report? - Nothing of note.
Go on, mate, give us the full debrief.
- Get 'em off, Chris. - Stop laughing!
It's not funny. Their hands were everywhere!
Oh, just a bit of banter, mate. Can you not take a joke?
Buy yourself some nice undies.
- Little tip, cotton gussets. - Get lost!
Aw, you just can't say anything these days.
Come on, Chris, don't cry.
The little baby.
Hmm. They're doing Mary Poppins at Hull's new theatre.
I'd be brilliant in that.
Of course, you would.
You're practically perfect in every way.
Aw, that's sweet.
- No, it's a line from the... - Doesn't matter.
I wonder if I know anyone who could get me an audition.
Give us a minute, Craig.
Yeah, sure. Can you just keep an eye on the pan for me, though?
I think The Paulster
might have been a bit out of line
earlier.
Oh, that's all right.
I'd probably be pissed off if you came bothering me at work.
What work's that exactly?
You're right, Toni. It's your life.
Who am I to tell you how to live it?
Spoke to Craig?
- Yeah. - And?
We're not gonna do it.
I'm not cut out to be a wife.
It's far too much cooking and cleaning.
- How's that pan looking, Tone? - It's fine.
- You wanna stay for tea? - Yeah.
- Craig, one more for tea. - Righto!
It is exhausting fighting misogyny.
I had to drive to Grimsby to get a disco ball.
But long story short,
I won and I need a drink.
Craig! Get Rana a drink.
They only think about themselves.
Bloody men.
I wouldn't say no to one of those, Craig.
- Do you wanna stay for tea? - Ta.
- Oh, yeah, go on, then. - Rana's staying for tea.
- Okay, Cool. - Hey, little peanut.
Hey, it's your favorite Aunty Rana.
Favorite...
Oh, babe, get the phone for me, please.
I'm not your secretary, Craig.
- Okay, I'll get it... - See, this is why I don't believe in marriage.
Men expect their wives to do everything for 'em.
- Hello. - Chin chin.
- Bloody hell, Paula. - Smash those glasses.
You still puking in the morning?
No, I'm just *** knackered. And I've got piles.
No, no, well, of course, I do.
Smell the wine.
- Get a whiff of that. - Right. Okay.
Yeah, Yeah. Okay. Goodbye.
You two not getting hitched then? No.
No, no, we're gonna keep everything exactly the way it is now.
What? What's the matter?
It's the landlord.
He's selling the house.