*** hell.
- What time is it? - It’s ten o’clock,
on a Sunday morning -
We’ve slept in!
GRACE!
You got up on your own, Grace!
You've opened her own curtains.
Oh my God.
- You’ve put your own socks on! - This is superb behaviour, kid.
Oh my God.
Look at my skin,
look how plump it is, I'm glowing,
Craig, I’ve got no bags!
I need the world to see me like this. I look amazing.
Do it! Me and Grace are gonna build the fairy unicorn garden!
Have fun.
- NOW THEN!! - Why have you made us come 'ere?
So we could have brunch together!
- Then I’m going to go for a run. - Brunch?
A run?!
Yeah, I feel like I can do anything! I feel like
for the first time since... I was pregnant. I feel like me!
You weren’t you when you were pregnant, you were a weirdo.
You used to eat soap suds, remember.
Yeah. Scooping big handfuls from the sink into her gob.
Oh yeah. I used to shovel them in
until they were coming out of my nose.
You were the most pregnant person that I've ever seen.
Anyway, anyway,
you know how it’s my birthday next Saturday.
- Yeah. - And you know how for my thirtieth I'd just had Grace
and I felt like I was really fat and tired,
didn’t want anyone to make a fuss.
Yeah. You made everyone’s life a misery
just because we had a small do.
I want to have a party I never had.
I want to showcase the new me!
I know it sounds mad but
I feel like big things are on the horizon for Toni.
Oh shit, third person...
- She’s gonna focus on her career now. - Yes.
She's gonna do a drama course in Leeds.
- Is she? - She gonna reach for the stars.
But first, gonna reach for some cake.
Walton Street club. For the party I’ll book it.
Hey, if we all chip in we could get her a cheap run around.
Piss off, not buying her a car!
I’m thinking of us. Who’s gonna be taking her
to Leeds when she misses the train?
- Good point. - I’ll go to Seany's garage tomorrow.
Toni!
- Is he that one who does the- - Multiple orgasms, yeah..
Bloody hell. Good luck on that run.
That’s nice.
You're right. It totally is ‘you’.
You're thinking 'Is this me?'. It is.
Oh I don't know if I could get away with it.
Oh what we gonna do with you eh?
I get a bit intimidated in shops like this.
I don't think I’ve got the length of bone...
I aren’t having this.
You are a material girl in a material world,
do you know who said that?
- Madonna... - Pauline Prescott.
Do you have any comfy jeans?
You wear comfy jeans after an operation.
You wear these jeans
when you're living your best life.
I won’t get those over my knees!
I know, that's why I'm here.
Oh Jesus.
- Do you think we should stop for air? - No way,
do you think that's what Cheryl Tweedy said when
she climbed Kilimanjaro?
No she carried on.
It’s like vacuum-packing a settee.
There's nothing on you!
Right let’s have a look at yer.
I'VE GOT A BUM!
I've never had a bum before.
I feel a bit emotional.
Thank you,
thank you!
That'll be seventy pounds then please.
Cash or card?
- Just popping out, mam! - Come here a second.
Oh God...
Your Luke DJs dunt he?
- Yeah. - I need him for Toni’s party.
And I want proper party tunes though.
Nothing that requires gold teeth and a *** drop.
- What the bloody hell is THAT?! - It's from Luke.
It’s not an engagement ring - don’t lose your rag.
But it is to show people that I belong to him.
Excuse me. You don’t belong to anyone, ever!
Unless you’ve got a joint mortgage and then.
It's past the three month mark, now mam, it’s proper.
I really love him.
Yeah. Let’s give it another three months. Yeah.
Urgh, look at your leg hair!
I thought you were gonna try that place that I told you about in town.
I walked in, and I walked back out.
I'm not showing my seventies bush in there,
they're all still doing their GSCEs.
Anyway I’ve got Elaine coming over tomorrow.
She’s doing me a look for Toni's party.
Maybe I could watch her.
You've got delicate colouring, mam, and it needs a light touch.
What you after?
Nowt...
Just thought we could chill.
Oh...
Yeah that’ll be well dope.
Promise me, you'll never say dope again!
Mam.
Hey you
Am feeling well dope.
Aye aye.
Rana. How you doing?
Yeah, I am good.
So listen. I need a cheap run around.
Something compact,
good looking and goes like a rocket when you handle her right.
I reckon I can rustle something up.
- When do you need it by? - This Saturday, for Toni's birthday.
No problem.
So, when are you and me gonna get naked?
I’m celibate now, Rana.
Do you even know what that word means?
I just had this moment of clarity in the midst of a threesome
with two lasses from Hessle.
I thought I'm done with sex, there’s got to be more to life than this.
There is. Twenty minutes with me.
I'm a changed man. I've found
inner peace. I'm done with sex.
I'm gonna kill those lasses from Hessle.
What you want from me, Rana,
you can find within yourself.
Trust me, I really can't.
What you doing tomorrow night?
I want to take you to a place you've never been.
Right go on then sausage. Put that on me enigmatic starlet pile.
Eww. Yeah this one’s going on the haggard wench pile.
You ready for your birthday? I've got a little surprise prepared.
Look at it! LOOK AT it.
Who knows where I could end up with a arse like this?
Emmerdale? A grandma in Hollyoaks?
Wow, hey what're these about?
They are for the charity shop. This is the new me
if it doesn't make me feel incredible it has to go.
Last time you did that, you ended up buying it
all back coz they'd ironed it.
Craig I just want to walk in to my birthday party and
and everyone see that I’ve arrived, but also,
‘I’ve arrived’.
Are these Grace’s baby things? You can't throw these out!
Yeah. Yeah. I’ve kept the cute stuff. That’s just from the dark days.
What dark days?
Craig,
do you not remember the last four years?
We were like The Walking Dead! Never again.
Right yeah. Never again.
That's you chuck.
Voiler!
- Do you want to look? - Yeah go on then.
Ariane Grande.
Just like you wanted.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, God I'm the spitting image of her.
Hold on a sec.
Oh magician’s pulled out
he’s got double time at the fish factory!
What’m I gunna do? Our Toni’s expecting Circus de friggin Soleil.
Party's Saturday, right?
- I'll do my clairvoyancy. - Yeah that'd be ace.
Has the burning stopped?
Cos you don't want those peas to defrost.
Oh no.
Here are Ash - Whack them in freezer,
we'll have 'em for our tea tonight.
Thank you all for coming today.
I invite you all to close your eyes and connect with yourself.
Welcome to Mind Over Matter Celibacy Meditation.
Trust me. It's better than sex.
Have you forgotten what sex is?
Just open your mind, Rana.
Give it a try. For me.
Fill your lungs.
Access your inner enlightened self.
Open your eyes.
Where's everyone gone.
You've ben sat there for an hour. They've gone home.
An hour.
How do you feel?
Free.
Amazing.
It's so calm.
Oh my God
I don't want to shag you.
Oh. Oh God.
Oh it's like putting a sleeping bag back in its sack.
You’re packing it on aren’t you?
Aw yeah, you’re skin and bone.
I was gunna say you look nice an all.
Mam looks lovely, dunt she Auntie Toni?
Ashley’s done my make up, I think it's took years off me.
Yeah. Not the hard years though, they could do with going.
Cheeky cow.
Oh. You alright?
I've had an experience.
I have seen the upside of celibacy...
Is that’s my Chloe bag...
Sorry Auntie Rana, I borrowed it the other day.
Oh please let me take it to the party.
I’ve only got ones you can fit a microwave in.
Course. I don’t really need it.
Don’t really need anything. What do we need, really?
You been sniffing glue?
I been to a place I've never been before.
Have a drink!
Oh Ashley you've just pushed on my bladder.
I’ve just done a little wee.
That's your body letting go of what you don't need anymore.
No age, that is, and your buggered pelvic floor.
Just dab it with a J-cloth.
I just pissed on the most expensive piece of clothing I own!
Oh no...
I don't understand. How did you not know you were up the duff Toni?
Did you miss a period?
No, they come, they go. I can’t keep up with 'em!
Like the ebb and flow of the tide.
Yeah, something like that.
God I can't believe this is happening.
What you gonna do Tone?
I'm gonna enjoy my birthday party!
Yeah you are. Come here.
What am I gonna tell Craig?
The truth will set you free Toni.
Life begins at thirty five!
- Get this down ya! - Happy birthday Toni.
Happy birthday.
Hiyah darling. Hi baby. Hello.
Wow. Babe. You look well fit!
- Craig... - Ready for your surprise?
- Craig... - Yeah, don’t be upset!
It's fine, I've been rehearsing and everything.
You're REALLY gonna love it!
Toni, big up the birthday girl!
You’re looking gorgeous tonight.
Get on that dance floor.
Christ, it speaks!
Come on everyone, join in, don’t be shy!
Oh my God!
What you doing?
Your sister's having a baby.
I'm gonna be an uncle!
Paula’s just told me!
That's bloody amazing news! I'm so proud of you.
Oh thanks bro!
Anything you need, I'm here.
Ta. But I don't need anything.
It's all inside me.
Hey.
You should try it.
I'll put you in touch with Seany -
he'll sort you right out.
Wow.
There she is.
Oh what am I gunna... Oh she's gonna love this..
- Oh yeah. - How you doing?
Good yeah.
You seemed pretty blown away by the meditation the other day.
I was!
I saw who I really am.
And I've seen who I really am.
I've been thinking about all our AMAZING times together.
I’m meant to be at it with you.
Not chanting, eating lentils, and
wasting my best shagging years.
You up for it?
What you want in me, you can find in yourself.
And what I want's in there.
Can’t we just do it in the back of the car, for old times sake?
- I'll leave you to it. - Rana...
Come on girls she's here.
She can't really tell things about people, can she?
Course not. Her only skill is getting in close
proximity to a running buffet.
I've made contact.
Got a woman here:
small, perm...
She’s smoking B&H.
Flicking it into her hand like an ash tray...
- Mam! - Mam!
She's saying
someone here is with child.
Does that mean anything to anyone?
Yes! Yeah!
*** hell, you've all been busy.
- Did you tell Paula? - No, course not!
Rana, I found your scan picture, it's all right, we're all here for you.
What scan picture!? I'm not bloody pregnant!
- Toni is! - You are?
Yeah.
- I've just found out. - Your pregnant?
Yeah.
Hold on. No! The scan picture has the surname Bansal on it.
And you and me are the only Bansals -
- What?! - And me.
You're having a baby?
Why didn't you tell me?!
I wanted to.
Hold on. You're both having a baby.
Oh my God, it’s like Jeremy Kyle in here.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
What you playing at, you're only seventeen, Ash!
- Is Luke the dad? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
Can we have the Birthday girl to the dancefloor please!
I've got a little surprise for her.
It's a *** great huge one over here.
Do Bat Out Of Hell!
Toni.
I'm so proud of you.
I know I don't always know how to tell you that. So...
I've wrote it all down in a song.
It's called Shooting Star.
- Two, three, f- - Craig, I'm pregnant.
You what?
We're having another baby.
Mad scenes here! Toni's up the duff!
Yeah, and so's my baby girl!
Luke!
LUKE! I AM GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!
How do you feel about it?
Honestly?
I couldn't be happier.
I've always wanted another one.
Aw, Craig.
Luke!
- How do you feel about it? - I'm *** gutted.
I am gonna... You little...
I’ll never fit in to these jeans again.
Come here...
Shouldn't one of us try and calm him down?
- Where are yer?! - Nah.
Once he tweeks he's gonna be a grandad he'll be over the moon.
Mam?
Me and Luke have got it all planned out.
Khaleesi won't want for nothing.
Khaleesi!
Jesus wept!
I’m not babysitting for you! You got yourself into this mess.
Are you all right P?
Don't talk to me.
What about you, Tone?
Oh yeah I'm fine. Just
watching my Oscar dreams go down the plughole.
Right, come on.
We need to make the most of it before the bairns come along.
You and I are doing some shots, Paula. And, Toni,
- you can watch us doing shots. - Yeah great.
Shots. What happened to being enlightened? Come on Paula...
I am!
I saw my true self and you know what:
I am *** brilliant just as I am.
No change required.
Wow. That, I mean that is, that's pretty beautiful Rana.
It is, int it?
Come on, let's get to the bar!
Paula,
what you doing in there, making your will?
Just gimme a sec yeah.
I'll be out, I'll be out in a minute.
Okay.
Hello peanut.