Auntie Toni! We have a problem.
No we don’t.
Everything’s ready. I’ve done everything we're ready for the party.
She’s decided she’s frightened..
Of flamingos.
What?
No. No. No. No. Hey! Hey! Hey! No! No! No!
No you’re not, Grace!
We love them, remember?
That’s why you’re having a birthday party all about flamingos...
in half an hour... When all your friends get here!
CRAIG! We’ve have a problem!
Toni?
No don't, go away.
- Let’s have a look. - Go away!
- Oh okay... - No, don’t go away.
Oh my God, you've had a full-on break down an't yer.
It’s all gone wrong!
***. Why does everything in my life go wrong?
Was you tryna look like Katy Perry?
No a flamingo!!
Oh right.
No cos Craig just said that erm, Grace has gone off flamingos.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Paula,
yeah she has, totally out of the blue!
Kids are twats, they change their mind.
Told you should've had it at McDonald's?
All the kids get a toy and there's no washing up.
- Paula, this is serious. - Yeah.
I'm making memories!
I’ve got amazing memories from when I was five.
What of?
My party.
Oh for goodness sake,
get back down stairs now and crack on,
you’ve got an actual party happening in twenty two minutes
and you’re nowhere near ready.
Useless bloody hippy!
In to the loft with this lot.
How do I look?
Like a freak.
- Where's Grace? - She's outside with Ashley.
The party’s ruined.
Oh bollocks.
Have a Frozen Party - everyone loves a bit of frozen.
No. No. Not me. I'm a feminist. I don't believe in princesses.
*** off.
Parking a kid in front of a princess movie for ninety minutes of
free babysitting, it don't get more feminist than that.
But Frozen's so mainstream! It's been done to death. Like
I wanted to give her a day that was quirky and eclectic!
She’ll remember this day for the rest of her life.
She's five! She doesn't remember to wipe her own arse.
No. I remember my fifth birthday! Mam threw me an amazing flamingo party.
Mam never threw us a party in her whole life!
The only thing that she celebrated was opening up a new bottle.
No she did! Do you know. Right, just because you’re older than me Paula,
don't mean I don't remember stuff too.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
Okay fine. Whatever. Listen I’ll go get Ashley’s
old Frozen tat out of the attic.
So let it flamin-go.
That's not funny.
Yeah it is. I got the funny genes.
Ashley I know what I can say. It's something really, really funny.
Don't worry, sweetie! Daddy's making it all better.
You’re a cheeky monkey and so am I, smell my trumps!
Aw Craig, this is sick. I want one when it’s my birthday.
Hello Craig, no one under seventy wears a vest!
YEAH!
She's here. She's here. She's here.
- Who? - My mum.
Oh for ***. God. Archangel Gabriel please protect me.
If you get me a shirt out, love, I'll iron it.
Oh thanks mum.
What happened to your face?
Gloria, I'm so glad you could make it.
Craig mentioned you're having a disaster.
Did he? Well
that's funny because if anything, I'm having an against the odds
triumph! I'm erm, pivoting the party, so you, so you could say.
In under half an hour?
Yeah.
That's a bit ambitious.
Have you informed your entertainer?
- Oh we haven’t booked am entertainer - Yeah, I was just
about to inform the entertainer actually when you interrupted me,
Gloria.
- Here we are. You take it for me. - Oh that's, that's great thanks.
Hello.
Slow down. Stop!
Oh I think I’m gonna be sick.
I need you to be my princess.
I don’t feel very regal right now.
I gave evidence in court, yesterday.
And went out with the prosecution lawyers.
We put away a very dangerous man.
Then a lot of prosecco.
Rana. I need you to be the entertainer for the party!
No Toni, this is a class five hangover.
This is an emergency. And you are an emergency service.
I’ll need to keep this on me at all times, just in case.
Yeah. Fine. I'll stick some glitter on it
and call it and call it the royal bucket!
How is that for pivoting the party!
Rana, I'll text Paula get her to bring you something to wear.
Yeah. How am I gonna entertain a bunch of kids?
Do you know any magic tricks?
Only very adult ones.
- Rana I swear! - Alright fine.
I'll think of something.
We an't got long. Kids are on their way.
Just need a minute with my bucket.
Yeah.
- Nice. - Yeah.
Oh Craig was just asking what's to be done with your...
- Seagull cake. - Seagull!
I knew it reminded me of something!
Flamingo. It reminded you of a flamingo. Because that's what it is.
- It's just they're really small legs. - Craig! I swear to God.
I would just put it out of its misery, if I were you.
Would you like to be humanely destroyed?
No! I want to be pivoted into a princess cake.
Squawk!
Or I could just take it outside and shoot it?
No, no one's destroying anything.
Because a party's not a party without a cake.
Oh I agree.
I thought it might be needed.
As a back up. That's all.
You thought it might be needed, Gloria?
Almost as if you knew that the theme would change.
'Women's intuition'.
So I had a thought re entertaining the kids.
I could do my stranger danger speech.
Rana.
She the entertainer?
Yeah.
Yeah. I do kids parties on my days off now.
So,
can you make this into a sausage dog?
Course I can, love.
Hold this.
- Is this a sick bucket? - May be.
A show-woman never reveals her tricks.
Excuse me. Thank you.
At least Rana is here helping you.
Thank God.
- Well and... - Me
Toni, yeah.
- I've done quite a lot of it actually. - She's done loads.
I just mean because you’re always so busy.
With your acting hobby.
It’s not a hobby! Gloria. It’s a calling.
Oh, and have you been getting many calls?
- Right do you know what, you can just *** - Flamingo's in the garden.
Let's get the flamingos
So are you sure you don't want me to...?
Back in a minute.
Will you please calm down?
For crying out loud.
Can you not see it?
What? She's just a bit shy.
Your mother is a psychopath in Marks and Spencer's clothing, Craig.
Or, y, you're being ridiculous.
No I aren't. No I aren't. I bet you anything
she's the one who put Grace off flamingos.
Toni, you're being paranoid.
You always say that when I accuse people of plotting against me.
She, she has assassinated my flamingo party
and now she wants to dance on its grave.
Flipping hell... Are you an actor by any chance?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I am.
And I’m gonna deserve an Oscar for keeping my face
straight for the next two hours.
I’ve got a ton of fake Frozen gear in here.
Let’s put some glittery tat all over this ***.
Rana!
*** it. Rana.
Rana. The kids will be here in eleven minutes!
You need to get changed.
I had a relapse trying to make the balloon dog.
Yeah well stop relapsing and look lively.
Paula brought you this.
Princess.
What the *** is that?
Well it's Paula's wedding dress.
You remember her grinding Dane in it, to Man I Feel Like a Woman.
Rana, come on.
I need to prove you're an entertainer.
So I can shove it up Gloria's arsehole!
Sorry to interrupt whatever this is. But, Rana, I need that duvet mate.
- What for? - My mum's turning me into Olaf.
Dad?
What's the matter darling?
- Her eyebrows are scaring me. - Oh right.
Yeah, your eyebrows are scaring her.
There's not much I can do about that is there Craig.
I did suggest you use a wash in wash out hair dye.
Yeah well I'm not a wash in wash out person!
You're gunna have to do something. Cos your face
- is traumatising our child. - Get out.
Come on then babe lets go.
Right. Er Toni.
Such a shame about the theme.
Grace was so excited about flamingos.
She was telling me this morning.
You spoke to Grace this morning?
Yes, the little love called to make sure I was coming to her party.
Didn’t Craig mention it?
No. He did mention it.
Are you finished in here?
I’m taking this.
I thought we were going has princesses. Not peasants.
I am Cinderella, actually. Pre-makeover.
Complete with evil stepmother-in-law.
Oh right and we’re those mice you exploit for free labour...
I was right about Gloria sabotaging the party!
She spoke to Grace this morning. Craig kept it from me.
Why would he do that?
Cos he knew you'd get all tinfoil hat about it?
No, no because he's plotting against me as well!
Him and Gloria are thick as thieves.
She’s been on the phone to Grace this morning,
making her scared of flamingos.
Oh Christ, here we go. Toni, for the last time,
Mam never threw you a flamingo party!
Yes she bloody did! You just don’t remember because your memory’s shit.
Auntie Toni, I think Grace just changed her mind.
Oh Ashley. You’re so naive. You don’t know what people are capable of.
What do you think? Woof, woof?
Are you gonna get off your backside at any point today?
Coz I don't know how entertaining you can be lying down.
Entertaining lying down is my speciality.
Toni, crack on, sharpish. Yeah.
Tick, tick, tick, Toni.
Will you be careful with that dress please.
It's got sentimental value. Ashley was conceived in it.
- Mam?! - Too much Paula
Oh minging.
Right Craig?
I’m a gonna get this party back on track. Stuff you Gloria...
Craig?
Theme killer!
Whoops!
Toni!
You did not just do that Toni.
Yeah I did actually. Because you ruined my party!
It's not your party
it’s Grace’s party!
It would have been a flamingo party
before you got to her and talked her out of it.
I I I I don't know what you're talking about!
Don't play innocent with me, Gloria.
You might have Craig fooled, but you can't kid a kidda!
- Toni! - You know what,
it's not me that's got him fooled!
My Craig has to do everything for Grace!
- Mum! - Yeah. Yeah, he's miserable in he. He's miserable!
It's a breath of fresh air when you come over Gloria,
it really is, it's *** relief.
Stop It! You're a failing actress and a failing mother!
Oh God.
Oh Dane'll have that if no one else wants it.
Guys the kids are arriving in a bit.
Princess Elsa vibe's died an it,
all gone a bit Blair Witch.
Ne'er mind.
It's all calmed down.
That cakes alright you know Gloria.
Oh I love Vicky Sponge.
Victoria
Toni.
Hey.
You alright?
How come everyone else can do it and I can’t?
They can’t.
Every mother on the planet is one Colin the Caterpillar
cake away from a breakdown.
And anyone who says that they aren’t is a liar.
When I think about everything Mam went through, like
struggling with addiction,
she still managed to give me a better fifth birthday party than this.
Give over, Toni...
You sound like Phillip Schofield introducing
a new guest on This Morning.
How do you not remember that party?
There were flamingos hung on the washing line.
Mam never hung anything on the washing line.
In fact she didn't even know she how it worked.
I remember it so clearly though.
It's only me.
Paula says you were asking about your fifth birthday.
- What? Do you remember it? - Oh. I remember everything, clearly love.
I've got a mind like a steel trap, me innit.
- Were there loads of flamingos? - I can show you.
I've got everything on home video.
- We don't have a video player. - No one does, love.
I've had my archive digitised. It's all on the Cloud.
Toni
- Oh my God. - Oh...
Oh mum...
Oh my God.
Bloody hell
is that me?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, you dance moves haven't changed much have they Tone.
Did our Mam film this?
Don't be daft! It were me.
Look at that framing?
I'm Hull's Steven Spielberg, I am.
Yeah, I'd have kids if I
could guarantee they'd turn out looking like that!
There. There. Look! There!
Flamingos!
- *** me. - I told you.
Mam was bloody brilliant that day.
She could be a tool. But she pulled it out of the bag for me, that day.
Auntie Toni, I really need to tell you something.
Please can you come outside?
Oh can, can we not? Look I'm being really adorable here.
It's really important.
Cheers Nima.
Is Ashley gonna break it to Toni about her cake?
Coz Someone needs to. That thing's a shitshow.
It was me who ruined the party, Toni.
Earlier at the park, Grace asked what a flamingo was
so I showed her a YouTube video and a little girl feeding one.
Only I didn't know, but it attacks her.
What.
Oh Jesus Christ! The entire pigtail?!
See? It's all my fault. I ruined the party. I feel awful.
It's not, Your fault Ashley.
It's mine.
I should have asked Grace what she wanted.
And then ignored that and done a Frozen party.
That's what mam used to do with my parties.
It's her that loves Frozen, not me.
She's always singing Let It Go in the bath, and doing little farts
she thinks we can't hear her.
That's gross.
Go on then, lets go back in.
Oh Gloria.
Your Mam didn't put this party together.
And it weren't me, either.
*** off!
That you, Paula?
You were always there for your little Sis.
Especially when your mam wasn't.
I did the party?
Innit.
You even gave yourself blisters cutting out those
flamingos with my craft scissors.
It's gonna blow Toni's mind when she sees this.
- Gonna call her back in! Hey Toni. Tone. - No. Don't!
I don't want her seeing this bit! Nima, wipe it!
Our Mam giving her this party's Toni's
one good memory of her. Wipe it!
But it, but it didn't happen.
She thinks it did, though.
And I'm not taking that from her. Please Nima. Wipe it!
- Are you sure, love? - Yeah.
And neither of you *** heads,
breathe a word.
- Right. - Right.
We're incepting that silly tart.
It's a lovely think to do Paula.
Where's Toni?
She's outside, with Ashley.
Nima.
Gloria.
You on your way out somewhere,
you’re very dressed up?
No, just here.
It's a party innit.
Hang on!
There you go, love.
Your sausage dog.
Come on then. Come on. You gonna get me?
Oh nearly. Nearly.
What you gonna get on the horsey.
Oh Grace.
Oh hang on a minute.
Come on you go play on the slide. Go play on the side.
Okay mum.
Oh wow.
My peace offering.
I should never have called you a bad mum.
Yeah. Or a bad actor.
No well. That's for the producers to say.
I used to perform, myself.
I sang in a duet in the seventies,
a club act, called Red and Ginger.
Oh my God. Craig's never told me that.
I’ve never told him.
What? Why?
I don't know what to say.
You should Gloria, it's really cool!
I want to apologise for accusing you of killing my theme.
Well I hope you have a lovely day, I really do.
Wait, aren't you staying?
It's your day, and Graces.
I can see you’ve put your back into it.
And you're the main woman in Craig's life now,
- not me. - Yeah I am.
But I want you to know, that you have single-handedly raised
the kindest man I've ever met.
I know I have.
But that's a lovely thing to say.
Yeah.
‘Your mother’s a psychopath in Marks and Spencer’s clothing, Craig!
Kids are here...
There someone at the door.
Just go and...