Come on monkey, mind your head.
Oh you smell nice.
Thank you daddy.
Oh wait, is this her coat?
I can't see any gravy stains.
Let me see the coat. Turn around Turn around.
I've never seen this coat before in my life.
It's got lovely details, nice bow.
Why you doing that voice, you sound demented.
It's for the audition!
I'm inhabiting my character, Craig.
I am gonna get this part - I can feel it.
Gonna get my career back on track.
Oh my God.. Oh my God, get it off!
Schnell. Schnell. Schnell.
My God Craig, it's Gucci!
Gucci?
Whose kids she been playing with, Kanye West's?
I don't know, taken this, cos I'm hurrying at pick up.
That new teacher's like Minnie Mouse on Redbull.
'Hewow Grace' She's even got her saying 'ickle bick'.
Well Mum thinks she should be learning Mandarin.
Oh well yeah, no that will be useful
when she goes to Blue Dolphin caravan park.
Just be careful with it alright. Cos you know how we get things mucky.
We don't get things mucky!
Mate, the car is literally a skip on wheels.
I mean when did we last go to Wimpy?
I do not know this Wimpy!
Is that too much?
Oh no...
- it's Missy Brown's mum. - Who's that?
Well you know, she the queen of Botox.
She wears like twenty pairs of false lashes for pick up?
Just to flip her head back to open her eyes?
She's the one who told you that she pierced her own ***...?
Oh her.
Hi Hiyah love!
You've taken Missy's coat.
Oh hmm, well yeah,
no I mean I picked it up by mistake
cause they're the same colour and material...
and quality.
Missy's coat's actually a luxury item
from an Uncle heavily involved with Formula One.
Can you drop it off tonight?
- Listen I... - We're on Kingswood,
the executive side of the estate.
Which is the executive side?
Not near Asda.
Listen, I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Can you at least keep it out of the way of... stuff please?
Bugger. Bugger.
Hiyah, Queenie love?
Hiyah, baby.
Hi, daddy!
Just checking it's your day with her tomorrow.
She's got an inset day.
No sweetheart, I'm working.
Oh heck.
I've got a big meeting.
I'll sort something.
Hi, love!
Now then.
You've done well there.
Have fun, lovebirds.
Get on well with your ex then, do yer?
Oh yeah, she's got a heart of gold.
Well my friends always say that about me,
it's actually embarrassing...
Your daughter's cute.
Jayelle yeah, she the angel of my life.
Some girlfriends couldn't handle that though, so I had to pull the plug.
- Oh well I love kids. - Yeah
I really love kids
Just need to find a sitter.
I could take Jayelle.
I'm off in to town if she likes shopping?
Aw Rana, she'll bloody love that, thank you!
Yeah. Alright.
What coin comes next?
Bring it here.
Did you wash my hoodie?
Just put washer on.
Can I have a lift to Luke's?
Er, yeah I can take you at seven.
I think it's a fifty p, love.
Mam, washing machine's on the blink again.
Jake, go get the toolbox.
Guys. Guys.
She shouldn't be wearing it but look...
Hello...
How nice does Grace look?
Oh look it's Gucci.
Grace my little Gucci girlie.
Do you want some?
Hey, hey, be careful! That's not mine.
And don't get it mucky with that Mousse.
Oh my God, can I Instagram it? I'll blur out her face?
Yeah.
Ash, just whack that lasagne in for me will yer.
Ash?! Whack that lasagne in.
Nails are wet.
Jake, while you're out there will you get oven chips from the freezer.
I'm sitting Ben-the-fit-fireman's kid tomorrow.
Whaddaya reckon?
You don't like children.
True.
No offence.
Well, good luck babysitting then!
I can deal with a little girl.
Oh he's the best sex I've ever had
and he slides down poles and puts out fires.
I mean you've gotta make an effort haven't yer.
Toni. I deal with hardened sociapaths day in and day out...
Nooooooo..
Oh my God..
Mum.
It's probably just your IBS Paula.
'Zero, Oscar' come in,
any delays on the Clive Sullivan way? Over.
Aye up, Line of Duty.
What she say?
She's having a dig at you on her deathbed.
***.
Oh it is nice though int it.
To all be out together you know like this?
Well I mean without the kids and that.
Oh yeah. Yeah, turn car round,
let's go line dancing instead.
Ahoo.
Is Dane here?
Right yeah, he's looking for a doctor.
Heal my wife!
Dane, I don't think that's a consultant?
No, I'm just a cleaner.
Oh.
Dane, breathe love, breathe.
Have you told my work I'm sick?
Yeah. Messaged everyone in your contacts,
but I've told them you don't owe them nothing.
Right. Listen up:
don't let Ash go to school looking like Drag Race.
Make sure that Jake eats something that isn't beige.
Don't be putting no fat down the sink.
And you know that chicken that's in the fridge
sniff it before you cook it, cos it's on the turn.
Mrs Bansal. I think we might be dealing with a stomach ulcer.
Oh God, I knew it was your stomach.
Get off my head.
Oh God.
Hiyah!
Now you have fun, you two.
Look at yer.
Oh this means so much!
No problem
See yer
Shall we go then?
So, what do you see in my dad?
Things I can't discuss with eleven year old girls.
Not his personality, then?
Of course his personality!
Whoops! Sorry,
force of habit.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Belt on babes.
Ooh smells expensive!
Only the best for your girl, eh?
Why don't you take this back where you bought it?
They'll sort you out.
Oh no, no, no. I've got no time today.
I've got an important audition so.
Ooh are you an actress?
Yeah.
What you been in that I've seen?
Did you listen to any radio plays
in the early two thousand and tens?
No telly?
No telly.
Shame.
Yeah, let's bring it back to the coat?
I'm sorry. I can't help you. There's no insurance for designer.
Nice chatting, though.
Great.
Mummy's in BIG trouble
Oh you're a ickle- bic early!
We're not technically open yet!
- Missy's mam's not here is she? - No.
Missy's mummy is not a lickle hurly bird who catches the worm,
is she Grace.
Oooooh...
Here's she is now,
she must have heard you!
Morning...
Love?
Paula love?
Paula
Woah!
My God.
They've kept this a secret!
No, they've kept this 'private'.
You've hit the jackpot, love.
You're overspill from St Elizabeth's.
So soft.
So clean.
Is that a menu?
Smoothies on the front.
Physio treatments on the back.
No...
Good morning, sleeping beauty.
Hello, I need to call my husband!
He did call for help with the morning routine.
But I said you needed rest.
No he'll be given Jake fizzy pop for breakfast.
Now Paula. You need to focus on you.
What level of discomfort are you in?
Erm, well my guts are tender
but it wouldn't stop me doing a big shop.
Now Paula, I won't allow "tender guts".
How about some pain relief?
I'll barely feel a paracetamol.
We can do a bit better than paracetamol.
How about a sense of absolute wellbeing?
Jack me up, sister.
Hiya. Hi.
It's Toni Callan here about the audition.
I was wondering if you could see me later?
Cos erm, the thing is...
My sister collapsed this morning...
Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks.
Thanks so much. Thank you! Bye!
Pre-school Group Chat! What you all ganging up on me for?!
Toni! Toni oh..
Oh it's good to see you Toni.
Me and Ben's kid were just grabbing a coffee..
This, this is my mate, Toni.
Any news on Paula?
It's her bloody stomach.
Anyway how are you two getting on?
Are you having fun?
We're just thinking of what to do with our really, really long day.
Yeah.
Help me.
Oh sorry, I've got to find somewhere in Hull that sells Gucci.
Well there's that boutique in Beverley -that does it.
Do you want a lift?
Road trip to Beverley? Yeah.
Road trip?
This int Thelma and Louise you know Rana.
I'm gunna get my head kicked in by a terrifying mother
if I don't get this coat cleaned
and back on a hook before pick-up.
These drugs, they're magic.
And how's our Mrs Bansal doing?
Like the last seventeen years never happened to me.
Glad to hear it.
Your test results, are all clear.
Most likely a flare up of your IBS.
Have you been stressed lately?
Hmm.. Have I been feeling stressed lately!
Kath,
that's a good one that is.
- Well, you can go home now. - Home?
Yeah hiyah, Paula!
Listen! I need you to do something for me.
What? I'm up to my eyes in bloody Gucci gate, can't it wait.
Shut up, right Toni, I need chalk.
You know like what you write on a chalk board with...
Yeah, I know what chalk is.
Yeah, promise me!
It's life or death here.
What?
Has she hung up?
Wait.
She's not answering! She's not answering!
Right, belts on ***! I'm doing a U-ey!
- Right, got the chalk? - Yeah.
Good luck.
Can we do a phone audition?
Because, yeah, something's come up
but I'm really made for this part.
Yeah I'm, I'm really good at accents.
Shall I do it for you now?
I... Sorry the....
Argh!!
This best be urgent.
Cos I just missed out on a career defining role for you.
And one of the mums from school thinks I'm a coat-thief!
They trying to discharge me, Toni.
And I've only just starting to relax!
Oh for ***...
This is what the chalk is for.
Paula Adams PE twagging special.
Yeah, two sticks of this and boom, instant fever!
And I can stay!
Can't you just relax at home?
Have you been to my home?!
Yeah, it's great.
- That's because I do everything! - Then stop!
I can't just stop, Toni.
I'm the thin red line between a functioning household
and abject bloody chaos!
If I go down, we all go down!
Listen I just let Craig do everything, look how relaxed I am.
Shit! Shit!
One of the mum's in the group chat saw me
walking past Oncology!
Now they all think I've got cancer.
Takes the edge off being a thief.
Right, I've gotta go!
Get this bloody coat sorted.
Oh you beauty.
So I spy, with my little eye,
something beginning with...
O.
Old slag.
Ohhh.
Oh my... Right!
You are really pushing my buttons.
Oh it's lucky for you that I can see you're
just a kid clearly having a hard time.
So why don't we say we start again, eh,
without the shitty attitude?
Oh I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking, love.
Please don't take my dad away!
Oh my God I couldn't.
I wouldn't.
Oh Jayelle, I'm not like the others.
I only wanna see him two nights a week.
Why don't we do something to cheer ourselves up, eh?
Hey. Whatever you fancy.
Maybe... some... shopping.
Shopping. Yeah.
Yeah you got it! My... My treat.
Alright... Alright...
Oh God. Toni thank God.
- How is she? - What?
Oh Paula. Never mind her, she's a piss taker.
Right let's get the engine running.
I need to be in Beverley like yesterday!
Buckle up buttercup.
Go! Go! Go!
Come on Paula. You can do this.
Get it up yer.
What?
No. No. no.
Please, can I come in?
Five minutes. Five minutes.
Two minutes. Look, it's just a coat...
Yeah, five minutes. I won't be long.
I just need to see you about this coat.
Don't go. Don't go. Can I please...
For the love of God. Please.
I honestly will be five...
Okay!
This is nice, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Can I buy you a present.
With my own money. To say thank you.
Oh you don't have to do that.
Please? I'll be really quick.
Aw,
yeah go on then, babes.
Oh Christ, not from there, kid...
I don't understand why you've relapsed!
Frankly I'm baffled!
Shall I just plug myself back in?
I'm so sorry, Mrs Molloy.
We just lost your bed.
You'll have to go back to Hull General.
Okay. Let's go.
Come on.
Five kids...
She looked terrible. The poor cow.
I deserve a bloody medal for this!
Rana?
I took her shopping and she's done a runner
Get your arse here now Toni!
Okay. I... I'll be back!
I'll be back! I'll be back!
*** sake where is she?
Short. Short. Cheap jeans.
Rana?
Oh thank God.
I let her go off on her own and she hasn't come back!
Well what d'you do that for?
We bonded!
You can't bond with a pre-teen!
Do you remember what we were like at eleven?
Yeah fifty percent in love with Peter Andre.
And fifty percent pure evil!
Shit! I just got played!
Kids, man. They're little buggers.
Let's go.
Hiyah, erm, we've lost a child.
Can you put a call out on the tannoy please!
What's the child's name?
Oh.
Oh. I don't know?
- Do you know what, sod this. - What you doing?
I might not be good with kids but I'm bloody brilliant with fugitives.
Shut this shopping centre, down now!
Code twelve.
You know she's got pig tails in and like loads of scrunchies.
Excuse me sir. Have you seen a young girl ten/eleven.
Oh my God where is she?
Rana! She's phoned her Dad...
they're outside! Let's go...
You left Jayelle on her own?
She manipulated me...
and her name is really hard to remember.
Rana, she's eleven!
Thing is, Ben, I just don't do babysitting.
I just made an exception for -
But I've learnt my lesson.
So, this is the end of the road.
Okay. Probably for the best.
Jayelle?
Stay on the straight and narrow,
coz if you don't, I'll be waiting.
And I will hunt you down...
I just gave up the best shag I've had in months.
Christ, I'm noble.
Aren't I, Toni?
Toni?!
Never leave us again! Promise me!
I did an Insta post about you being ill.
Thanks for the content, mam.
- Are you better? - I will be.
But I'm making some changes when we get home.
Whatever you need.
Not about what I need. It's about what we need.
I'm not doing every bleeding thing anymore.
If my guts explode we're all buggered!
You're learning to put a wash on.
Your Dad can help you get that off your hand.
And you're all being introduced to the cupboard under the stairs.
It's a wonderland of cleaning products.
Yes my queen.
Yes, mam.
There is just one thing before we get home.
Tell me you cleared that water out from the washer.
It's this.
We made it!
Gluten free. For your IBS.
Sorry about your bowels.
It's lovely that.
Ta.
Have a great day. Bye.
Hi.
Erm, I bought this from yourselves,
I took it to the dry cleaners but they wouldn't touch it,
because between you and me they're A bit common...
So, I brought it back
for your fabulous same-day cleaning service.
Do you have the receipt?
No.
Hmm...
And you say you bought this here?
Yes. yeah.
Excuse me a second...
One moment please...
This is a message for Toni.
The role has been filled, I'm afraid.
Oh good. That's good news.
That's good.
This isn't one of ours...
Okay fine! Listen right.
It is this mum,
it's this mum,
from my kid's pre-school, and she's a bloody nightmare.
It's her coat.
And if I give it back to her like this
she'll spread it around that I'm mucky.
So can you please tell me where I can get it cleaned.
Oh you can't.
It's a fake.
You what?
A fake.
Is it?
And I can't let you leave here with it.
Sorry!
That's fine, cos why would I want it. It's a fake.
And I've been running round all day.
Okay. No. No. No.
That's fine. Er. Throw it in the bin.
Do whatever you want with it. Listen.
You have a good day won't you.
And erm...
Bye.
Bye. Bye now.
Oh.
Right I'm just gonna come clean to Leanne.
Good luck.
Oh come on
- Auntie Toni. - Hiyah Ash
I felt awful about the coat and not helping out.
So look what I've got!
My mate's dad does knock off stuff.
What is it? Aww.
Ashley, you absolute beauty!
Come on Ash. Get in...
Oh someone's on time today...
Thank you.
Grace. Grace.
What?
Oi. You!
Problem?
You've nicked my Missy's Gucci coat and replaced it with a fake!
No I took it by mistake!
Any way don't give me that Leanne,
yours was a fake in the first place.
Excuse me, I don't believe in fake stuff.
Okay, well I went round the whole of East Riding of Yorkshire today
to get your fake coat cleaned -
Cleaned?!
I knew you couldn't be trusted to not get muck on it!
Listen! Listen Leanne,
I come from a very long line of very clean people,
- I'll have you know... - Mummies,
Amber wamber thinks somebody is a bit cwoss...
There's an ickle bick of shouting over here,
can we pwease use our inside voices?
- Amber. That voice makes me want to punch you! - Honest to Christ!
Well someone hasn't filled the Kindness Bucket today.
Sorry Amber.
Sorry Grace.
So where'd you get it?
My niece got it off some bloke called Riz.
Same.
He's good, Riz.
Knock off, but high end knock off.
Yeah. Well only the best for our girls!
Word to the wise.
Don't touch his Louboutin's.
Mate of mine got lead poisoning off the red sole.
Good tip.
Why are you walking like that?
Tight shoes.
Working on a bunion.
My ticket back to that hospital.
- Hiyah. - Oh hiyah.
Hey! - Hey!
someone dropped out - I got the job!
As what, a right state?
I know that costume.
You're peddling cheese outside ASDA!
I'm a Pleasy Cheesey Brand Ambassador, actually.
Is this your Carrie Bradshaw?
Yeah.
It's a decent roll int it Grace.
I've built her a rich backstory and everything.
I live high up in the Bavarian mountains,
no family and I don't know who this child is.
No friends just the cows that I milk, daily!
I'm an orphan, but don't shed a tear for me it's wasted..
Do you get free squeezy cheese?
Yeah...