Come on Craig, just rip it off!
Over my dead body. It's Blue Harbour.
Craig, please just rip it off!
Thank you.
Have you been eating Frazzles?
Yeah, why don't you like it?
I'm more of a cheesy quaver guy myself.
Please stop talking and just put your d-
Mam!
This is what happens when we waste time?
Okay. Come on sausage...
Craig!
Craig! What the...
I've been gone five seconds, have you got narcolepsy!
Sorry baby.
He holds out his hand.
Okay.
Oh for f.. Keep it!
What the...
Woah. ***. ***.
Craig!
My face! Shit!
Wh, wh, what's going on?!
I needed a wash, Craig?
I needed a really good wash.
Ta
- Are they from Adil? - Yeah.
He just texted about tonight.
It's gonna be like old times now he's back!
It's been five years. Wonder what these are about.
Why what's it say?
Looking forward to tonight... PS,
you should see what I'm driving these days.
God, forget about the car, oh dinner!
Our nights out with you two were epic!
No one, no one orders 'for the table' like Adil!
Do you think he wants to rekindle things?
Exhibit A supports that assertion.
Hmm. Hmm. And can you er confirm or deny an interest in your reunion?
Out of my friends with benefits he was in the top five.
The top five.
Anyway what you up to?
Oh just chucking out my knickers with cartoon characters on.
Morning.
*** hell...
Hi, I'm Toni. Nice to meet you.
Solid arms.
He's currently the number one.
I can see why.
Come on...
You and I lead very different lives, Rana.
Right are we off to town later?
Yeah go on then.
Tuesday?
Parents evening.
Craig, you're a teaching assistant, do they really care what you think?
Nah. I'm just there as muscle. In case the parents kick off.
Right Wednesday then?
Band meeting. I've gotta confront Graham about his indulgent solos.
He's doing my head in.
Tonight's free.
No. We're out with Adil tonight.
Afterwards. We only need five minutes.
A whole five minutes?
Craig you do know how to turn me on.
Okay. Right.
It's not sexy...though is it?
Scheduling it like this?
We're taking charge of the situation. Which is sexy.
Which is why I'm gonna ring a plumber about the shower.
No. No. Don't do that.
That'll cost loads. I'll fix it!
How hard can it be?
Oh yeah Toni, yeah,
just strap another sponge to it. Job done.
Yeah. Sorted.
I need something to get Craig going.
To keep him awake.
Nicely priced and flimsy.
Good for ripping off.
Yeah these are what you want.
You've got to reinvent yourself when you've had a kid.
Me and Dane didn't have any for fifteen and half days
when Jake was born.
Wait sorry, you had sex fifteen days after you gave birth?
Yeah.
Christ alive! I'd be humping furniture after two weeks without.
Yeah. I tell you what your brother likes -
Don't tell us what Dane likes, Paula!
I bought a pink wig from the Hessle Road.
And make out I'm a stripper from Purple Door.
She's called "Marcella".
Just getting that wig out of the bin bag it drives him wild.
Actually, no rustling any bin bag does it to him now.
He's like one of those dogs with the bell.
Role play, Tone. You gotta keep things spicy!
Oh, role play though, hmm, I could use my acting skills!
Hmm. Sure. Yeah.
- Could use those skills. - Yeah. Yeah.
No return on this.
You and I both know where that gusset's going.
Mam can I buy this?
No. There for slags with no self respect.
I hate you!
Oh good, I thrive of your hate.
Auntie Toni's buying one! Why can't I?
Because she told you so!
I'll put it back.
Bloody hell!
That was magic!
The kindest hand is a firmer hand, petal.
Remember, you're the boss.
Yeah.
I'm the boss.
What was that again?
Because I told you so!
Because I told you so.
Yeah. Yeah because I told you so.
Won't be much longer nan...
Did Rana tell you that Adil's back?
Oh I'm across that, love.
He sent me a very courteous WhatsApp this very morning,
inviting me to the get together tonight.
Can I come, too?
No, you're babysitting Grace and Jake.
Adz has been viewing houses.
Very large houses. With walk in closets.
How do you know that?
Woah... Contacts, love.
He were in Leeds on Wednesday.
In a jewellers...
You've got contacts in Leeds?
Oh I'm global, Paula.
I think he's gonna pop the question innit.
No! Rana's not the marrying type.
She might be the marrying a millionaire type, though.
I guess we will find out at the meal.
If Rana marries Adz,
can I get a Rihanna bra and knickers?
No you bloody can't!
Why not?
Because I said so.
Okay, mam. Seeing as you said so.
You look sensational.
You look loaded.
Come here.
Ad's... Oi! Oi!
Elvis is in the building!
Really suits you, mate.
Hello. Hiya. Y'alright.
Dubai's got nothing on Hull.
Lovely to see yer.
You smell amazing...
We're gonna be noisy and messy, I'm afraid.
But we will tip accordingly.
Right. I'm taking me bra off.
Make some room.
It's gonna be a big night!
You beauti. Whoo.
Get it off.
I'm gonna get some Champagne
Oh yeah. Champagne
I'm telling you, proposal incoming.
Don't be daft, mam. If he was gonna ask me,
I would have known by now.
Doesn't hurt to have the answer ready though.
Just in case he pop the question.
Hey, it's not for you to know, lad. Keep schtum!
Yeah Dane I mean it, zip it.
Well, if you don't want him, I do!
Yeah.
Dane!
Adz.
Welcome back... brother.
Cheers man.
Craig's five a side's a man down
and Adz has stepped in for tomorrow's game.
So we're all gonna go, support! Because we're... family!
I've been on that team for five years.
Not once have you lot come to watch me.
Oh boo hoo Craig.
You need sense of devoir Craig.
- Thanks gaffa - Give it here
I've got something I wanna ask yer.
Can we talk tomorrow, after the game?
Yes - Yes - Yeah... Absolutely, she will be there - Hundred percent.
Absolutely
Think that's a yes.
Yeah.
Ash we are back...
Oh God.
Did you bring me a doggie bag?
Yeah, but I ate it in the car.
Big mistake.
Your shower's broke Auntie Toni.
Yeah, I'm aware of that, Ashley. Thank you.
You've had a shower?
Did hhe just *** wink at me?
Oh hell has he taken a vow of silence or what?
Remember when we used to have sex in the shower?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh God.
Just give it five minutes,
I just need to let these dough balls move through.
Did warn you about those bloody dough balls.
Okay.
No. No. No. Tell you what...
Right
We'll do it doggy style?
Yeah you can just yank my shorts down?
But don't touch me belly.
Don't touch me belly.
Don't.
Right okay.
Oh no I'm gonna be sick.
Oh no, no, no.
Yep I'm good.
I'm open for business.
Go. Go. Go.
Yeah. I think the moment passed Tone.
What?
Adz. Adz. Adz. Adz. Come on!
Adz. Adz. Adz. Adz.
Go on lad!
Shoot! Shoot!
You know, I'm seeing Adil in a whole new light.
Specifically, the light reflected off that Lambo.
I've known Adz since he were little
and you know he is just good enough for you,
if you want him.
Oh your magic you mam.
Give me touch. - Hey!
Mad love for my princess.
You'll go alright! - Kim!
You'd suit a super-chiselled piece of man candy.
The ultimate accessory.
There is one important unanswered question, though.
What's that, Mam?
What's he like under that shirt?
That's a cobbled street.
I bet you could shred a Red Leicester on him, innit!
Maybe I do feel a spark.
Might just look up the tech specs on the Lambo.
Go on. Go on.
Yeah!
- Come on!
Do you think he gels his hair?
Don't those bums get you excited.
God I hope he doesn't get groin strain.
I have got to get my end away!
Have you still not done it?
It's become like a thing now. We need to get the curse off.
Curse? Christ!
Yeah, can you help me, Rana!
Help me! Help me Rana!
Alright. Alright. I'll help!
Here's a fool proof method:
that I never share with anyone.
Put on a crisp white shirt-
Oh God I've got to get the iron out...
Well then I'll leave you and your jinxed vagina to it.
Craig do not get a strain.
Hiyah boys.
Hiyah.
That's my chair, I bagsied it...
Move away!
He's got nice thighs, that one in the green shorts.
- Yeah he's my favourite. - Yeah. Me too.
Apart from Craig. Obviously.
Obviously.
I bet if I had to take one home I'd take green shorts.
- Yeah. - He's being creepy, Mam.
Don't call him creepy.
Don't call me creepy.
Mam! He's annoying me!
You're seventeen, he's seven - deal with it.
Deal with me, baby!
Mum she's hurting me Arg!
Right! You buggered it. In the car!
Oh Mam! Why?!
Because I said so-
Because you said so. Yeah, yeah.
Mum, it hurts...!
And you an all go! Quick!
I know a song that will get on your nerves.
Bloody hell babe. That were masterful.
Did you like that yeah?
Oh yeah.
Maybe we could get the bin bag out when we get home.
Can I have a lift home!
I've got some ironing to do before Craig gets home!
Yeah.
I'll see you at home.
You always take his side.
You don't get me at all.
You should do it!
Do it now! - Why should I?
Because I said so!
Because I said so! Final warning.
I will throw you out of this car...
Stop it!
I am the law!
Right, you asked for it...
Out. Come on.
Right!
This is child abuse!
That felt good, yes!
They're not gonna be acting up again in a hurry.
Okay.
Oh was that a bit much?
Maybe a little bit?
Oh my God. Oh my god!
- Turn the car round - What have I done?!
Turn the car round!
I can't turn the car round. The exit's not for three miles!
Please don't dump me out the car too!
Oh God call 'em! Call her.
Call her. Quickly.
Tell her to go up the embankment and stay put.
I can't believe I've just abandoned my babies!
What kind of mother am I?
I'm gonna end up on the cover of Take a Break!!
Nought to sixty two in three point six.
Incredible.
Rana, I've got a proposal for you...
Adz, I'm so sorry. I not gonna marry you.
What!?
I'm, I'm not proposing!
Why not?
I got engaged a month ago.
To whom?
Her name's Sadia.
We met in er, Dubai.
And you didn't think to ask me?
Well I knew you'd say no.
Like you just did! And I hadn't even proposed!
Look yeah, fair play to yer.
End of day, marriage just in't for me.
Kills the sex life.
On goes the ring and before you know
you're teasing out a hard on with a bin bag.
Sure that won't happen to you.
So what did you wanna ask me?
If you'd hook up with me and Sadia in a threesome.
You cheeky shit!
She really fancies you.
Well, yeah. Course she does.
Let's see her then.
Look can we take you out,
treat you like a queen
and see what happens from there?
On one condition -
What's that?
You let them down gently.
Mama's coming! Mam's coming.
Oh bloody hell...
Oh Jesus.
The police. Shit.
- We could just leave them to it... - No.
- My babies! - This her?
Oh my babies!
Yeah, this is our mam.
Oh.
Oh let me sniff yer. Oh.
- Oh. Hands up, officer- - It's okay. Mam!
I already told Officer Rachel that we were coming home
from visiting Nana and got lost.
Yeah. So sweet.
They are such sweet hearts?
Taking pity on a old woman like that.
She's not a well woman at all.
Let's get you on your way.
Thanks Officer Rachel - we won't get lost again, will we Jake?
We promise!
- Where you headed now? - Shopping.
Mam wants to buy me something.
That's nice, what's that then?
A polka dot thong.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah.
*** to this, Craig!
I'm up there ironing a white shirt, like Rana said.
Then I think "what, what the *** am I doing?"
You were ironing?
- Oh yeah! Never again! - Oh.
I mean *** shirts, wigs, thongs.
Like as well as corporate bullshit.
Like "Big Sex" in my head.
I know how to do it.
I've been doing it all my adult life!
I've got moves of my own!
Okay.
Oh I always love it when you do that.
I love you,
I fancy you and I wanna have sex with you.
*** yes!
So we're gonna take it back to basics.
We're gonna do it like we did when were twenty four -
Slightly pissed,
not looking at each other's bits
and with my music turned up, so my flatmates can't hear.
She's there, isn't she?
*** hell.
Marry him.
Now then.
Oh my God.
God I make this car look good.
Aren't you supposed to be at the Hilton, being a unicorn?
Nah, I told Adz I'd think it over.
And lending me the Lambo would help
grease the wheels, so to speak.
What so your gonna do it then?
Nah.
Shagging Adz again would be like putting on yesterday's knickers.
But he doesn't need to know that.
Hey, fancy a trip to Costa with me and Ma?
Hiya love!
Yes. Yes I do.
Oh my God I've never being so excited.
Woohoo!
Honey I'm home.
Grace is at school. Just you and me here...
Hmm. Role reversal.
I like it!
Are you mending the shower Craig...
Need a hand with your pipe?
Oh shit!
Alright?
You're Craig gave me a ring.
Can I just show you somert a minute?
Yeah...?
I've fitted a new hose
but it's a slightly different colour from the fitting.
Do you see?
Yeah, looks, looks really good though. Thanks mate.
Sorry I flashed you, by the way. Thought you were.
Yeah. It happens.
You okay with that hose as is?
Hmm.
Yes..
Right. I'll be off, then.
- Alright mate - Jack.
What's?
I just flashed the plumber!
Did he see everything?
That's kind of hot.
Maybe I'm into hotwifing.
How's that for spice?
Craig!
Fancy a five minute fumble before work?
Yeah go on then.