Big night, last night, was it?
Yeah. Are you hanging?
Oh... Feel like you're staring into an abyss?
Oh God.
Hey, it's good though init.
It's so good.
Best Years of your life!
Mum, my bum's itchy!
Hey sis, does this look like a toadstool?
No.
I thought you'd given that up.
Stressed, Toni.
Ashley's new boyfriend looks like a car thief.
- What flavour is this? - Meat pie.
The lads down Vape Culture do a 'tastes of Yorkshire' range.
Oh 'ere she is look.
The sunnies are on. It's a bad one.
Rana, was it a good night?
Celebrated a drugs bust in the Hilton rooftop bar.
With Hull FC.
Took one home.
God, I miss nights like that.
Like when literally anything could happen.
Copping off with some random bloke going home with him.
No one knowing where you are...
I'm down another pair of handcuffs...
I want that...
Think is Toni. You're not match fit for a night out.
Leave it to professionals.
I am bloody match fit!
You did a little clap in Morrison's cafe
when your tea cake came out.
Your days of ten blue Wickeds
and dancing on sticky tables are over, Toni.
I told you not to reproduce.
Let's go out then. Tonight!
No chance.
That footballer has invited me to his mansion.
Hey up! How's the toadstool hat coming on?
You've not even started it?
I've finished it!
Grace don't look. Mummy's gonna do much better than that.
Oh my God, no I bloody won't!
Let's leave mummy to do some thinking, on the naughty step.
You like it don't you Grace.
No.
Let's go, mummy's making that face again.
***!
It's becoming a dad does funny things to blokes. It's the hormones.
You can have it back when you're twenty one.
- See? - Good - I hate you!
Put it back!
- It's mine - You're my daughter.
- You're living under my house. - The car thief's up there.
He's been in this house for three hours and he's not said a word.
Do not touch that door!
Not into the lad, then Dane?
- Rana... - Argh!
- Paula! - Don't...
He's on the edge.
I caught him this morning, putting a bar of Dove in a sports sock.
Put that door down now!
Are you and silent Romeo staying for tea?
Yeah. Obviously! We're starving!
Right well go and wash your eyebrows off then.
Mam, my sock's broke!
Oh there you go.
God, your hangover smells ace.
Take me out Rana!
Okay fine!
If he's boring I'll text you and you can come save me.
Yes! Get in!
Ey if. I said if.
What shall I say, when I get there? What's the excuse?
I don't know. Say someone died.
You're the professional actress aren't yer.
Her most recent gig was that advert for the garden centre.
She was a slug.
So? Kate Winslet's was Ronald McDonald.
She wasn't thirty four though was she.
Oh God, I'm so excited about tonight!
I'm even looking forward to feeling like shit tomorrow.
The good kind of illness!
*** hell.
God. That's a... startling effect.
It's contouring!
You look like chiselled wood.
Could be that Pinocchio...
It's what everyone does now Craig.
If only you'd put that much effort into the toadstool hat.
God, I will do that tomorrow!
Tomorrow you'll be puking your guts up,
muttering about the abyss.
Sod off. Two Lucozades, I'll be right as rain.
I'm hard me.
Don't forget your taking Grace to Mini Stars, tomorrow?
I've got my first band rehearsal -
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm aware of your band rehearsal! Craig.
Well I'm nervous aren't I.
I not performed in front of anyone since Grace were born.
Yeah and I've not had a night out! So get off my case.
Okay. Just sometimes when you go out
your alter ego appears and we get 'Shitfaced Susan'.
Oh yeah. I like Shitfaced Susan!
She's ace!
She's a knob head.
Hi
Are those gnomes yours?
Yeah.
Do you live with your mam?
Yeah.
Oh
you're not with Hull City are yer?
No I am! I'm the mascot. Remember?
Must've been well pissed.
Leon's girlfriend is here!
- Listen Rana. - Oh
We've just found out my grandad passed away..
Err -
Oh!
Didn't I say she was like a Disney Princess, Mum?
They've been looking forward to meeting yer.
Oh hiyah
Hush little baby don't say a word,
papa gonna buy you a mocking -
Herd?
Herd
Word
And if that mocking herd don't sing -
Mad night out!
Get in!!
I'm going out!
Are you getting changed?
I've got no time.
Anyway, cool girls club in anything now, don't they.
It's kooky,
Okay, I just worry about you going out alone, looking like that.
Er, well I won't be alone. I'll be with Rana.
She's in her element at night. Like a werewolf.
He loved a full English, did Da.
I'll get it...
Right I might erm, make a move...
Oh my days.
- Connor. - Auntie Irene.
We will get through this.
We'll get through this.
We will...
We will get through this.
Sorry for your loss.
- I'm Connor. - I'm Rana.
Connor, are you going to help with the buffet, on Sunday?
It's like I always say,
M&S for celebrations, homemade for death.
Anything you want, Auntie Irene.
Rana are you leaving?
No, no, no erm,
Leon, Leon needs me...
- There there shshsh... - I'll get it Aunty Irene...
Rana.
Uncle Mo is dead -
Right that's it come on.
What did I put it too emotional?
- Thought it was good. - Yeah.
I am so sorry T.
Got to go back inside.
- Catch you later babes okay. - Okay..
How long you gonna be? I can wait outside.
Don't ever let me see you dressed like that again.
Rana?
He's so fit.
So fit!
Rana?
Take me out, Paula. Please.
No. You coming in?
I warn you, it's gone EastEnders in here.
Don't you dare.
He's absolutely gorgeous...
Thank God I've got my little helper.
- I'll tell social services! - Come back here...
She wants to stay round that dipstick's house.
Call 'em! Give 'em a laugh!
I know what young lads are like, Ash.
The passion I felt for your mam was animal.
- Still is. - You're past it.
I mean you can't blame her
for wanting a bit of excitement in her life.
See? Auntie Toni agrees with me!
Thanks for sticking up for me.
Right, I've had enough of this.
Dane, you're not to lay a finger on him -
Unless he puts a foot wrong. And then, you can batter him.
I'll get my sock.
And you can stay round his house until nine pm.
Woah! Hang on!
After she's had the safe sex talk.
We had that talk in school already.
Yeah but that want by us though, was it.
This is the talk
that stops you wanting to have sex in the first place.
Right, Ton?
Ah, yes.
That, that, that talk.
Oh I see.
That talk.
Ash love,
if you need to sit quietly when it's over.
Come join us in the garden.
Do you know what childbirth does to the human body, Ashley?
It wrecks it.
Honestly Ash.
It's like a round of applause when I get out of bed of a morning.
Tell her about your ruined bum hole.
Mam!
Listen I got piles when I was pregnant
and they never went away.
Show her the photo.
What?
Show her the photo.
Er eee.
My boys.
Howard,
Jason,
Gary
and woo little Mark he's a ***.
Little Mark.
Do you wanna see 'em Ash?
Fine! I'll never have sex. Okay?
Cheers, Tone.
Right, will you come out with me now?
Will I ***!
You didn't use your bucket. Well done you!
Night was a write off.
Rana copped off with a bereaved grandson.
Morning Grace...
Well mini Stars'll cheer you up. Those mums are a right laugh!
Oh yeah. Those mums are wild!
Yeah, I'd take her myself,
but Smoke On The Water won't cover itself.
It's alright. You go and have your fun.
Love you both.
Bye.
Where's my fun Grace?
Where's it gone?
Hey. Hey. Hey. Look Grace, it's your Aunty Rara...
- Facny seeing you here... - Now then.
I'm off to the wake, tomorrow.
I'm gonna offer Connor a shoulder to cry on.
And some other body parts.
Is there nowhere you can't pull?
The only way to get over a death is to get under the living Toni.
Anyway what are you two doing?
Well it's called "drama"
"Drama"
But no way is Kenneth Branagh lying on the floor
of a school hall pretending to be a mushroom, on a weekend.
Sack it off, then.
Oh I wish I could, But I can't.
Not even for family day at The Silver Cod?
Right I'm off.
See yer.
- Wish me luck at the wake... - Yep.
Hey Grace, let's give mini stars a miss..
Are you thirsty, Grace?
Do you do cocktails?
Lager shandy?
Oh can I get an orange juice as well.
'We all hate Leeds Scum. We all hate Leeds Scum'
Dirty Leeds, look.
We're City till we die, aren't we kid?
'We all hate Leeds Scum. We all hate Leeds Scum'
'Oooohhhh...
You shit ***... Aahh...
Hey... voila Toadstool!
Nice. How was Mini Stars?
Yeah. Yeah. Really good!
You know those mums Craig.
They're mental!
Grace is a professional toadstool now.
How was band practice?
Oh ah yes, sound.
Put together a serviceable Edge of Seventeen.
"Say, ooh!"
Check us out. Taking care of business.
Well mum's excited about tomorrows performance.
What? What do you mean Gloria's coming?!
Course she is. She wouldn't miss it for the world.
Gloria's coming.
Paula.
Does this toadstool hat looks like shit...?
Let it go Toni, at the end of the day, it's a mushroom.
Ashley, cover that up,
you'll trigger your Dad.
Yes, Mam.
Are you okay with that?!
Since we last spoke,
important information has come to light.
Why are you talking like you're in court?
There from Luke's dad.
He part-owns Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings.
- You are fu?!! - No!
No wait can I have one.
No. So we've give Ash her door back
and we've let her stay the night.
Obviously I do want it kept quiet,
you know now that there's money in the family.
What you gonna do with these two.
Get of you. These, I'm gonna defrost
and then I'm gonna put Greek yoghurt in.
It's like yogurt but it's thicker.
Why are you so impressed?
They make Yorkshire puddings.
Dane, they do sweet potato mash too!
You're alright chuck.
Come on, let's go...
Mind the step. There we go.
I had an idea for how to cheer everyone up.
Shall I do it?
Yeah, great, fill your boots.
Jesus Christ you people put it away.
Can I just say, you are fine!
It's an affliction.
What does that mean?
Oh shh,
you don't need to know big words sweetheart.
Have you ever shot a man?
Yeah but it's frowned upon.
But I've had to restrain a few.
Physically.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Boys and girls
the performance of Mini Stars is about to begin.
Thanks for coming enjoy the show.
Hiyah love, thanks for all your help at rehearsals.
Toni! I haven't seen you since -
Yesterday! When I was here!
The vets found another lump on Raffles.
Insists it's treatable then quotes me over a thousand.
I said "I'm not leaving till that dog's in a body bag".
I'm so sorry mum, you look amazing, thanks for coming.
Thank you love.
Lovely to see you.
I'm so, so sorry Gloria!
That's really awful.
It's a lot of money
I've been reading Google reviews of Mini Stars on the way over.
Yeah good, good.
Apparently some of the children are quite feral.
- Oh dear. - Dear
- Well not our Grace. - Not Grace.
She looks dehydrated.
Is she hungover?
Today I'll brew, tomorrow bake -
Rumplestiltskin is my name!
Oooohhhhhh... You shit ***... Aahh...
Go on then. Show me an arm hold.
Then I pat you down.
Make sure you haven't got any secret weapons.
Rarr!
What the..
I am gonna puke.
I'll bring a flan round in the week.
Thanks, Mum.
You really messed up this time Tony.
We can't show our faces at Mini Stars again.
That's no loss. That woman who runs it is a sociopath.
Grace loved it there, Toni!
Oh she did! Didn't she.
Oh God, I'm a monster.
I shouldn't have taken her to the pub.
Craig.
This will never happen again.
Honestly. I am killing that part of me!
Shit faced Susan must die!
She's gone.
No she is gone now.
I'm fun free. I'm now fun free.
I'm gonna shop at Next and wear furry slippers, like Paula.
I promise.
Let's go home and do something
mundane but wholesome.
Toni.
Toni. You need to come and get me.
Yeah. I'll be there. I'll be there. I'll be there.
Craig?
What now?!
Five minutes.
Rana?
God's punishing me for being sexy.
Yeah. I'm on a tight deadline here.
Stick your fingers down your throat!
Three more heaves and then I'm done!
What?
Three more heaves and then I'm done.
Right, I'll wait outside.
Hey!
Thank you.
Oh!
In my nieces school uniform.
But right I was stood there.
I was stood there and I got this massive hangover,
got an angry goose
under one arm,
and a crowd of really confused mourners.
I just said I said
"It's what Nana would have wanted".
It wasn't even my Nana's funeral.
Shit. Shit
Craig!
Craig! Craig!
Oh my God! I lost track of time!
- I'm so sorry. - It's fine. We don't have to go now.
It's been ages since I've seen you look like that.
No, what do you mean? Like what?
Oh you know how *** cool you are.
You always used to look like that.
What happened?
We just got busy didn't we. With that.
Well let's make sure we go out more often, yeah?!
Okay.
Daddy where's my hat?
It's here baby.
Noe then...
Oh it's just green of foam now.
No chunks.
Shall we bounce?
Think we might stay for a bit, actually.
Are we?
Someone get me a drink!
Yes!
Oh tell me again how great your night
was so I can feel all warm inside
from having sat on my arse all night.
Hey, is Dane on board the Luke train now?
Oh yeah one hundred percent.
He just accepts that I know best.
Piece of piss.
Oh hiya, love.
Thanks for, y'know, trying to get me Mam to be chill about Luke.
Oh God, no worries, I know you're sensible.
You've got all this to come with Grace... Night.
Oh Ashley,
you know if you do need to erm,-
Go on the pill,
you know I can sort that out for you.
That's okay -
Oh good.
Good, that's what I've been saying to your mam.
She just needs to trust you more.
He comes in his hand instead.