(Music)
(Heavy Wind)
(Door opens)
(Door closes)
(Hammering sound)
Why are you running?
We will miss the bus.
So let it go!
Don't you want to go?
If we miss this one, we will just take the next one!
Hm.
(British crowd chatter)
(Traffic sound)
- Hello!
Isn't this beautiful?
You have never taken me for the Thames ferry ride.
Thames...
Please be a little fast there.
The last bus is at 10:30.
Where's the bus?
(Bus arriving sound)
Parkin!
Have you forgotten we're expecting guests?
My, my...
And what shall I call you? Lady Chatterly?
Enough!
Go get ready now!
You haven't even cooked, have you?
What will we feed them?
No, I have not cooked, my Lady,
but I've cleaned the house. And disposed off the trash!
Anything else, my Lady needs?
How does your Lady look?
As always, my Lady; irresistible!
And...
Is my servant going to present himself in working class attire to the guests?
Oh! Your guests are commoners! Why even does my Lady care?
- I do! - Why?
Because I'm the Lady!
And... What if I rob my Lady of her finery by the time they arrive?
My servant must be mindful of the time.
The guests will be arriving any moment!
Guests can wait!
So can my servant!
No... No he cannot, my Lady!
Why?
Because my Lady looks irresistible!
(Rohit & Sanya Kiss)
(Bus drives off)
Where are we?
No network!
What place is this?
I told you there will be no network here.
What kind of friends are these?
They couldn't even bother to pick us up. How are we going to go?
We will just walk! Look at the weather, it's so beautiful.
It will take only ten minutes.
She had told me the route.
Look at the pretty map drawing she made for us.
It's this way!
There is a shortcut through the jungle. I had asked her.
It's so quiet here...
It's not quiet, this is dead silence!
Only two kinds of people need this kind of quiet...
Artists and...
So you already know that she is an actress.
If she's an actress, doesn't she need to go for her shoots?
How does she travel?
Don't go there with such a rotten face Basu.
We are going to someone's house for the first time - together.
A little smile won't cost you any money.
(Heavy wind)
(Bell ringing sound)
(Bell continues ringing)
(Knocking sound)
Rohit!
What?
They are here!
They can wait!
We are on time.
We aren't early.
No! Stop!
And fix your hair!
Look, I can hear footsteps.
Hi!
Hello... Is Sanya there?
I'm Rohit!
Hi...
Doctor Basukinath!
Welcome, welcome Doctor Nag!
Not Nag, Nath. Basukinath.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Nath!
You may call me Basuki, mate!
Basuki!
Hmm... Basuki...
-Ira. -Hi.
- Shall we come in? - Of course!
Please, please.
Sanya is right here.
Shut the door please.
Come in, come in. Please.
Sanya is right here.
Ira and Basukinath!
- Hi. - Hello.
How are you?
- Wow. - Thank you.
Hi.
Such a sweet house.
Good evening.
You guys are quite rich, man!
- Very nice. - Oh, I'll get that.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Sir.
Please.
Okay, first of all, what will you drink?
Do you want to try something new?
Of course, do you even have to ask?
And what shall I offer you, doctor?
I'm good. Thank you!
Come on. Don't be formal!
We don't drink!
Actually, I will also have orange juice.
Man, what is this?
Come on Basuki, don't be a spoilsport!
How can there be a party without drinks?
Actually, we don't drink.
Really? I didn't know that.
If you are going to have juice, why have orange juice?
I will get you something interesting!
Interesting like?
Like, I don't know, kiwi, or gooseberry or maybe red currant!
Wow!
Rohit is such a wonderful host!
Red currant for me!
Okay.
Umm...
Red currant for you also, sir?
No, plain orange juice please.
You don't want to try?
No. Thank you.
You sure?
Just plain and simple orange juice would be wonderful.
It will be ideal.
Okay, I'll take that.
Thank you.
I'll light the fire.
Sanya.
Sanya!
What happened?
What?
There is no red currant here.
What do we do now?
Thank god, there is orange juice.
Otherwise, this man would have killed you.
No thanks, just plain and simple orange juice please.
Why is he so serious?
He is a doctor, you see.
Seems like a headmaster.
Should we serve plain orange juice to that poor girl Ira as well?
(Pours Gin)
That should be good.
Your orange juice, sir!
Sorry, Ira. red currant turned out to be a little sour.
Don't worry Basuki, orange juice is absolutely fine.
(Basuki sniffs)
- Mm - Hm.
No, I want Red Currant.
Taste it, at least.
Why should I? You offered me red currant, now get it for me.
Ira... Behave.
Give it a try love!
(Everyone takes a sip)
Hmm...
How is it?
Orange juice...
Best orange juice ever!
(Grandfather clock chimes)
Isn't this trunk too big?
You store warm clothes in it?
No, no. No warm clothes,
just a dead body!
He is kidding!
- Whose body? - Lord Curzon's.
Lord Curzon!
(Uncontrollable laughter)
Poor Lord Curzon!
He is inside that!
Who is Lord Curzon?
Ask him. He is inside that.
Enough Rohit!
- He is kidding. - Sorry.
Of course.
If he has kept someone inside this even for fun,
then he will die of asphyxiation!
Ass...fuck...what?
Asphyxiation!
Lack of oxygen!
No human being can survive without that for more than three minutes!
Wow, doc, you really know your shit, huh?
This is going to be fun!
Stop it Rohit!
His sense of humour is really crooked.
Just a bit.
Ira, let's get you some more orange juice...
And I'll show you the house..
Can you open that trunk?
What?
Can't I crack a joke?
Even his sense of humour is wicked!
Oh my... Good- Good joke doc!
"Can I open the trunk?"
Oh man...
Wow.
You've made a maze under the house?
Wine cellar.
Okay, you guys are seriously rich!
You know what, when I met Rohit, I didn't feel like I was
meeting him for the first time.
He is funny.
Even I don't feel like I've known him for so long..
He's pretty (mischievous) right?
(Khura)...what?
"Khurafati"
"Khurafati"?
It means naughty.
Oh.
Or he could be wicked!
Yeah?
I mean seriously, who jokes this way!
Lord Curzon!
Inside the trunk.
Does Basuki know?
(Piano key)
So... Sir, what kind of doctor are you?
What do you know about medical science?
Not much, I have been to the hospital a couple of times.
Once for suspected dengue, another time for typhoid...
And I don't remember clearly but...
My grandmother told me that I was even born in a hospital!
Under a doctor's supervision! Imagine!
So medical science means... hospitals? Very nice!
No, no. Doctors. And nurses as well.
Medical science isn't about doctors, hospitals, or nurses, Mr. Rohit.
Oh?
It's about human life!
Ah...
The sanctity of human life!
Had you known this, you wouldn't joke about death!
You think it was a joke?
Come on doctor!
Got you again, right? Right?
Sorry, sorry.
Excuse me.
(Piano key)
Are these yours?
Wow.
When do you wear these? I have never seen you in these.
On special occasions.
Seriously?
Do you want to try?
No, no. I will look like a cartoon.
Not a cartoon - Queen!
That oldie!
Your doctor will go crazy!
Try it once.
Really?
(Knocking sound)
(Music)
(Knocking continues)
(Knocking sound)
Basuki!
How do I look?
Do you not like it?
Should I change?
Someone is inside.
Inside here?
I just heard a knock.
Rohit was joking.
I heard it with my own ears.
I don't hear anything.
Listen, now.
Now.
I can't hear anything.
How can you possibly listen if you are constantly blabbering?
Focus.
Your ears have become too sharp but your eyes weaker.
Can't you remain shut up even for a second, Ira?
Keep waiting. Keep listening. Maybe there is a rat jumping inside the trunk.
but the human standing in front of you is invisible to you.
(Knocking sound)
She is pretty, isn't she?
Rohit, are you blushing?
What? No!
You like her, don't you?
Forget all of that, what are we going to feed them for dinner?
We need to think.
You don't care about me one bit, do you?
It's the first time we have stepped out of home together.
If you are not liking it, let's go back.
Hm?
There's still time before the next bus arrives.
We might as well go and wait at the bus stop.
It's better than sitting here with a rotten face.
Let's go.
Whose dress is this?
Did you just notice it?
Ok, tell me now. Am I looking nice in it?
Will you go home wearing that?
Just go and return it.
Only concerned about going back.
(Sanya moaning)
What do you think?
What's going on downstairs?
Saint Basukinath won't make a move.
- Really? - Let's bet.
Not even a kiss?
You can see it for yourself.
What did I tell you?
You're such an arsewipe!
Poor girl!
What's happened here?
What's going on?
Even Queen Victoria wasn't effective, huh?
Rohit, get her an orange juice please.
Let's order some pizza first! Then we'll talk about it!
What's there in the trunk?
Okay Basuki, that was a joke and it's over now.
Let's talk about food. We can order either pizza or Chinese!
Trunk. Can you open the trunk?
Haha! Good joke Basuki!
I'm serious.
So am I!
Pizza or Chinese?
He hates Chinese.
So, pizza then?
Okay, so, what does he like?
We never go out!
(Knocking sound)
Did you hear that?
Okay, I'm ordering pizza for everyone!
A vegetariana for Basuki with no onion, no garlic and no ginger!
No ginger!
And no yellow bell pepper.
Okay, okay.
What about you?
I want a chicken-tikka-masala!
A meat-feast!
Okay, so one chicken-tikka masala,
one vegetarian, no garlic, no onions, no ginger.
What about you?
I'll share Rohit's meat...feast.
Rohit! You're good at ordering.
Yeah.
Come on, you help me!
Come.
Basuki...
Sorry.
Rohit shouldn't have started it.
(Piano key)
It was a bad joke to begin with.
Thank you for meeting us.
We really wanted to meet you!
Rohit was planning to cook for you, but...
things happened.
Ira always talks about you.
She really cares about you.
You're a lucky guy.
She talks about you too.
- Hm. - Mhm.
So, you are a big shot, an actress?
Have you seen my films?
No. I don't get time for any of that.
But I have seen the poster.
And of course Ira has told me about it.
You indeed are a good actor!
Thank you.
What's in the trunk?
Come on now! Don't kill our joke.
Where's the key?
(Dialing sound)
Good evening! Her Majesty's Pizza!
Yeah, hi, okay, we would like to order two number 23s,
one number seven and one number 31 with customization.
So, one number 23 with customization.
No, number 31 with customization.
And the customization is as follows -
No bell pepper, no onion and garlic, and no...
- Ginger. - Ginger. No ginger!
I just want to check it out once.
Come on. I thought you had a sense of humour!
Well, I don't know if it even has ginger in it so, how can I remove it?
He can't remove ginger.
No I'm saying, I don't even know if it even has ginger in it.
So how can I remove it?
He can't remove the ginger.
You eat ginger at home, don't you?
She takes such good care of you.
Alright, no, no, no, I'm going to repeat everything one last time, okay?
Two number 23s, one number 7 and one number
31 with customization.
No ginger.
Ginger is okay!
Oh god, okay, sorry!
Number 31 with customization-let the ginger be!
So, 23 is with customization and number 7 you want...
No, no, no, you've got it all wrong! What's wrong with you?
Let me repeat everything.
One chicken tikka no onion, no garlic!
No no no! Vegetariana with no onion, no garlic and no ginger!
But he said he can't remove ginger.
No, I didn't say I can't remove ginger.
I said I don't know if it even has ginger in the first place!
Okay, listen to me very carefully mate.
I'm going to repeat myself again.
Alright!
One chicken tikka with everything, one meat-feast with everything,
No, sorry, two meat feasts with everything.
and one vegetariana with no onion, no garlic, but with ginger.
Now you repeat it.
Alright - one meat feast, no onion, no garlic.
One chicken tikka masala.
And one vegetariana with extra ginger, extra garlic...
What the fuck is wrong with you! You've got all the numbers wrong!
Isn't Vegetariana number 31?
No, it says 31 in the menu here!
I think you have got the old menu.
That is not my problem! You deal with it! Get my order right!
Thank you very much! Long live the Queen!
(Ira Chuckles) "Long live the queen!"
Fuckin' dicks...
It's okay, take a deep breath!
You did a good job!
Careful!
It seems a little bland right?
We should have some song and dance.
- Sure. - Party!
What kind of a CD is this?
So big...
Here in this place everything is bigger in size.
Only the size of the country is small!
(Knocking sound)
(Music begins)
Who listens to such ghostly music?
Shall we dance?
Yes!
Lord Curzon must also be dancing like this.
(Excited laughter)
Enough!
God! You're drunk!
What have you been drinking?
Orange juice!
What's going on here? Why are you corrupting my wife?
Corrupting?
Corrupted as in, tarnished!
I have been tarnished - courtesy the orange juice!
Who's Lord Curzon, Ira?
How do you know him? Where did you meet?
Basuki, not again please!
Shhhhh!
I'm talking to my wife, please don't interfere!
Where did you meet him?
It was a joke..
Fucking shut up!
You and your wife have spiked my wife's drink
and now you're telling me it's a fucking joke!
She is not my wife!
Whatever! You tell me...
Who is Lord Curzon? Tell me!
Where did you meet and how do you know him?
At the pub...
Pub?!
Huh?
I go there sometimes, during the day to eat..
At the pub?
Sorry Basu...
I should have told you.
It was a mistake, I will not do it again.
I promise, I won't.
How many times have you met him?
- Met who? - Lord Curzon! Who else?
I have never met him, never met him.
How many times Ira?
Just once or twice...
Once or twice?
Basu, you're misunderstanding, I've only seen him...
Only seen him?
And what do you do when you're 'just looking'?
What do you do when you meet him Ira?
Basu... you're getting it all wrong.
There's nothing of the sort...
When we go back home, I'll explain -
Tell me what do you do when you meet him, Ira?
What do you do when you meet him, Ira...
What will I do with that old geezer? With one of his legs in the coffin.
What do you do when you meet him? Answer that!
I dated him, okay!
I knew it!
(Music)
(Ira sighs)
I knew it!
Actually, it wasn't dating. I was just having fun.
He used to just look old.
Good afternoon, Mr. Curzon!
Would you like to try something new for lunch today?
We've Ploughman's lunch, bangers and mash...
No!
Just fish and chips, please.
He's so sad, the damn old man!
Do you think he's ever eaten anything apart from fish and chips?
Sanya, let him eat his fish and chips and die, who cares?
Actually it wasn't dating, it was a fling.
Do you want to know the details?
When we did it? Where we did it? How we did it?
Lord Curzon...
Ahh...
He had such luscious lips.
Mmm... The way he would swirl it around.
I am wet already!
What a man! A real man!
(Music)
Where is that bastard?
- I'll kill him! - (Rohit chuckles)
What are friends for?
He is already dead, doctor!
You want a drink to celebrate?
I've had enough of this.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is he in the trunk?
Dead?
Open the trunk.
Are you sure?
No, I don't trust any of you!
Open the trunk! I need to see him dead!
Have you completely lost it?
Shut up!
- Stay out of it, okay! - (Music)
Get the key. Open the trunk!
Ah, the key... Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure...
Oh- I don't have the key.
Break it open then, I don't care!
Okay... why don't you ask Sanya? I'll open it if she asks me to.
I said, open it!
I told you, ask for Sanya's permission. It belongs to her.
Ha ha ha...
Funny man!
No more jokes, please.
Who the hell is joking, doctor?
(Glass shattering sound)
(Sanya peeing)
(Basuki grunts)
Oh my God!
(Basuki knocking)
Give me the key!
Are you out of your mind?!
I just want to check it once.
It's a joke, why don't you get that?
I said. Give. Me. The. Key!
Ask Rohit.
Don't try to act smart!
I'm telling you, Rohit has them.
Okay...
If this is how you want to play it...
I'm coming in!
Stop it!
I'm coming in!
(Basuki charging)
(Thud sound)
(Music)
Bitch!
(Piano key)
Now tell me, who the fuck is Lord Curzon?
What kind of an Englishman are you?
Don't even know your own history?
No more jokes please.
Who is Lord Curzon? Where is he?
Who gave you the British citizenship? Hmmm?
Did they not test your history?
Thousands of Indians died of hunger under his rule.
Because of hunger and famine!
Do you want to die?
Don't fucking waste my time. Tell me where is Lord Curzon, who is he?
You fake Englishman...
You couldn't be like them even if you wanted to.
Kill me if you have it in you.
Fuckin...
(Knocking sound)
(Music)
Hey, did you hear that...
Did you hear that? He's there, he is still alive, He's in this...
- I'll kill him. - (Bell ringing sound)
It's the door!
Shhh... Don't-don't-don't try to divert me, okay?
Just get the keys- just open this!
(Knocking continues)
Forgotten your own theory of Asphyxiation, doctor?
How can he be alive in a trunk?
Huh?
(Bell ringing sound)
Open the door Basuki, it's the pizza!
(Piano key)
Her Majesty's Pizza!
That would be 24 pounds and 62p, ma'am!
Hang on! I'll get the money!
Sure.
- It's the pizza man. - Pizza!
We need to pay him. 25 pounds!
Did you not hear it? 25 pounds.
What? Am I the host?
Just open me up, I will pay him.
No!
It's in his pocket.
Again! Don't act smart.
Hello?
Coming! Have patience!
Can you make it quick, please? I've got other deliveries to make.
Showing off his fake accent.
Should I return the pizza?
No, no, I am very hungry.
So somebody pay up, I don't have it, else I would have paid for it.
Can you ever keep quiet, Ira?
Oh!
What the fuck!
Don't be alarmed! It's just a game!
You alright mate?
Yeah, yeah man! It's just a game.
Very much like our prime time entertainment!
Oh, how cool!
You wanna try it?
Nah...
Not tonight!
Come on, try it!
Nah, I've got pizzas to deliver.
It's fun!
Yeah, looks like a lot of fun.
Okay, go ahead and take the wallet from his pocket and get going.
From his pocket?
Yeah!
I am sorry, that just seems wrong. I'm not going to do that.
You fucking will!
- Go ahead - It's okay.
- (Pizza man coughs) - It's alright.
(Music)
(Pizza man clears throat)
- Easy... - (Ira chuckles)
There's nothing in here.
Did you check the pizzas? Made sure there's no garlic, onion, ginger?
Yeah, the meat feast doesn't have onion or garlic.
What?
There's nothing in here.
The other pocket. The meat-feast is without onion?
And the Vegetariana?
Well, I suppose that has onions.
Well, there's no wallet.
Vegetaraiana with onions...
but it feels like a key.
(Basuki Mumbles) Onions - Hey!
Leave him.
We don't want your pizzas, take them back.
I'm sorry sir.
We don't accept returns.
Take them back, I said!
Listen, you keep it or you throw it, you still got to pay.
I want to speak to your manager!
No!
- Excuse me? - I am the manager.
Mr. Manager, take them away!
- Baba, I'm hungry. - But you still got to pay sir.
Bullshit!
Listen, mate. We don't want your fucking pizzas! Get the hell out of here!
Or I'll tie you up as well.
Let's play!
Alright then...
(Pizza man clears his throat)
Wait, wait, wait!
What did you say you found in my pocket?
There's no money in it!
Yeah, but what did you find?
A fucking key, bruv!
Thank you very much.
What are you waiting for? Fucking leave now!
- Bye. - Yeah, enough!
Fuck's sake, fucking weirdos.
Fucking brownies.
Shut the door!
Onions...
Do you not want to look inside the trunk now, doctor?
Hello?
You heard him, right?
I have the key.
The key...
(Music)
Happy now?
I told you it was a joke.
I am untying them.
Thank you.
I -
And the knock I heard...
I told you that your ears were ringing, now you get it?
I feel terrible for what I did to you.
If you want to apologise to someone, apologise to your wife!
You really hurt her.
He won't understand.
It was all a joke.
I hope you understand now.
Even what Ira said about Lord Curzon, all of it.
Does Lord Curzon even exist?
(Rohit scoffs)
I told you guys, he doesn't understand what a joke is.
Basuki, you're really lucky.
Thank your stars; If I you were married to someone like me instead of Ira...
you'd be in the trunk right now.
All is under control doctor.
Will you have a drink now?
I will drink. No matter who says what!
Good!
I like to drink.
I used to drink before I got married,
and after without telling you.
Now I am drinking in your face. Cheers!
Have a drink doctor. You will feel better.
Just a plain and simple orange juice, please.
Listen don't act, you drink and I know it.
There are days when I can smell it off you.
Oh, wow. You are the joker in the pack, doctor!
Have a drink, else Lord Curzon will really turn up.
Not again Rohit. No more Curzon jokes.
Okay, okay.
(Basuki clears throat)
Okay...
Get me a small one.
Irish Whiskey!
Now we're talking.
- "We don't drink" - (Rohit chuckles)
By the way, now you're starting to seem a half-English to me.
(Piano key)
(Rohit winces)
- Are you okay? - Yes, just check it once.
Yes, now it's fine.
(Grandfather clock chimes)
Here is your classical English breakfast.
Thank you so much!
And I am very sorry about my behaviour.
Ah, this is actually comfortable.
Thank you.
I have hypertension!
And that's why I, sometimes, find it difficult to keep my anger in check.
Hmm.
Wow doctor, you just diagnosed yourself!
Very good.
It started in my childhood.
Oh, why didn't you tell us before?
I was trapped inside a container for weeks!
A container?
- No kidding. - No, no, he is not kidding.
I couldn't breathe!
I don't know how I survived...
Hmm, but how did you get inside a container?
I travelled in a container...
To reach here.
This country saved my parents, gave them a new life, a new opportunity.
What did independent India have to offer them?
Hunger, poverty, maybe corruption, oppression!
Oh Basuki, don't start harping about your England
and how great a country it is.
I am whatever I am today - it's because of this country.
I would have had no future in India!
And that's why I try my best to be of any service to my country.
My country, my foot! He calls England his country.
Yes, it's my country and these are my people.
My people?
(Piano key)
Do they think of you as one of them?
Of course!
I'm as much British as everybody else.
Oh really?
Have you heard his accent?
How silly of me,
I'm just going on and on about myself.
Of course.
I hardly know you guys!
What's your story? How did you come to the UK?
(Telephone rings)
I will take that.
(Piano key)
Coming, coming.
Hello.
Hello Henry? Who is this?
Hello!
I want to talk to my husband Henry. Can you please put him on the line?
Sorry, wrong number!
Wrong number? What do you mean?
Listen, that's my summer home and I want to talk to my husband Henry.
Get Henry on the phone now!
One minute...
Does anyone know a Henry?
Sorry, Henry is not here at the moment!
What do you mean he's not there?
He went there this morning this morning to get things fixed for tomorrow. And then-
- Who are you? - I...
And what are you doing in my summer home?
Making a drink!
Making a drink in my house? What do you mean?
Listen, where is Henry, I need to talk to him -
Sorry, wrong number. Long live the Queen.
(Hangs up)
Old hag!
(Piano key)
Some mad lady, lost her husband it seems.
She must have not kept him carefully.
(Piano key)
What was the husband's name?
(Piano key)
Lord Curzon!
Come on Rohit!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
You were asking, doctor?
How did you come here?
I had a job.
Oh really?
Yes, doctor.
Do you know about the National Health System (NHS)?
Of course! I'm a doctor.
I made it.
The whole software, right from the sketch.
I was in the core architecture design team of the system.
It's quite good.
I use it everyday.
What happened then?
I left my job.
Why?
I thought I'd start my own company...
Do something big in life.
That's ambitious.
Hmm, I know.
Then?
I applied for a visa extension.
Nothing happened for two years.
I kept working, hoping I would get it one day.
I got the letter one day...
Visa rejected.
Rejected?
Yes, rejected!
Section 322-5.
Wait, that's for...
Don't get scared doctor, I am not a terrorist.
I worked for these Englishmen for so many years.
This one time, I could not do my tax returns on time.
I was charged with 322-5.
Does that make me a terrorist?
It's not like India here.
Everyone needs to do things on time here.
If you don't reach office on time tomorrow,
would you be called a terrorist then?
I'm never late!
(Rohit sighs)
(Music)
So, how do you live here?
I don't.
What do you mean?
Are you an illegal immigrant?
- (Rohit chuckles) - (Music)
Did you know about this?
Your friends are illegal immigrants.
Weren't your parents also...
illegal immigrants?
So what?
I might lose my job! This is not a joke.
Do you even know the meaning of a joke?
"Not a joke."
Okay, don't start fighting again.
This is my house, you are my guests...
And you never met Rohit.
Yes! You never met me.
Doctor, one more drink?
Listen, if you have any more surprises, please tell me now.
I don't want to get into any trouble later on.
I don't get you, Basuki...
You love this country very much...
So why did you have to go to India to get a wife?
He wasn't able to charm a white woman.
Must have tried for sure.
Did you not?
Aw.
I choose not to discuss my private life.
You never want to discuss anything.
I don't know if he had a story or not.
I surely had one!
Really?
Here in the UK?
In Bhatinda (India). In my college.
Full on 'Hum Dil de Chuke Sanam'. (Trajic Bollywood Romantic film)
But my romance was like DDLJ. (A happy Bollywood Love story)
Wow.
Only my father didn't say - Go Simran,
live the life of your dreams! (Iconic Bollywood dialogue)
And the guy didn't come to the Railway station to run away with me either.
Liar.
He had asked me about my past before we got married.
What was I supposed to say?
Had I told you the truth, would you or your family agree to the marriage?
Remember that ad you gave in the newspaper?
A famous doctor, who lives in London, is looking for a Punjabi (North Indian) wife.
A Punjabi wife. Wow!
Don't applaud just yet, listen to the entire ad first...
You still remember?
Every bit of it, line by line.
That ad completely changed my life.
Fair, Convent-educated, English speaking,
Punjabi girl with beautiful hair.
Who doesn't smoke, drink, or consume any kind of drug.
And someone who has had no relationship with any man.
Meaning virgin?
Pure!
(Sanya scoffs)
Poor Basuki!
There was a mad rush in Bhatinda when he came bride hunting!
He had booked the whole hotel.
As if, Indian idol's auditions were going on.
Of course, it isn't some ordinary title, Mrs. Basuki Nath.
Not at all!
Ask my parents, they think it's the biggest achievement of my life.
Mrs. Basuki Nath!
Do you love him?
Does it even matter?
Do you?
I love him as much as he loves the great Britain!
That calls for another peg, Doctor!
Yes, please.
- Make me large one. - (Music)
Sure.
So, how do you know my virgin wife?
Well...
We've had a few drinks together.
- Cheers. - Thanks mate!
Here comes the cocktail of the day "Relationship goals"!
Wow.
Nice.
What will you eat?
Not fish and chips for sure!
Something new.
There's nothing left on the menu. You have tried everything.
Would you like something special?
Come with me.
Doesn't he take you out?
He is mostly busy.
If he misses work even for a day, lots of lives can be lost.
And what about your life?
He has saved my life already, by marrying me.
Now he is saving others.
I really want to meet him.
- I've told Rohit about him. - Hmm.
Rohit will have fun meeting him.
He will never come.
I really want to meet Rohit.
Come on, we all will have fun!
Told you, he is busy.
If he misses work for a day, a bunch of Brits will find their way to heaven.
Why not saturday?
God might agree to this, but he won't.
Should I cut some more coriander?
Tell him your friend's a famous actress.
Tell him about my films.
Tell him I've invited you to my summer house.
- You lied. - (Music)
One more lie.
You said, your friend is an actress?
Yes, I am an actor!
An actress-waitress or waitress-actress?
Basu, come on! She works as a waitress part time.
Really?
Will Kate Winslet ever work as a 'part time' waitress?
I'm no Kate Winslet!
Why don't you just accept that you aren't an actress in the first place?
No, I am an actor.
Oh!
I'm a failed actor.
How humble!
No, it's true.
I'm a failed actor.
I should have cross-checked better.
Stop Basuki.
No, let him speak.
The problem is; you bloody Indians think, you can come here and do anything!
You know?
It will be a cake walk.
But you need talent to succeed here.
- I agree. - You can't ever compete with the British.
Their standards are very very high.
Very, very high.
How silly - you thought you could compete with the English actresses.
How did you compete with the English Doctors?
I worked hard.
I've educated myself.
I got the best medical education in the whole world.
So did I!
I went to the best drama school, in the world.
I was the crÃ¨me da la crÃ¨me at RADA.
RADA?
Royal academy of dramatic art!
Hm. Probably you don't have it in you.
Maybe I don't.
- You see! - I know
Yeah... You don't have their talent!
Or their fair skin?
Huh. Bollocks!
How many brown characters do you see in English films?
I told you, I don't watch films.
Enough Basu!
No, Ira, you tell me - have I ever been discriminated against
because of my skin colour?
England is a fair country!
How true!
England is a very-very "fair" country!
Correct.
Hmm...
If you love this fair country so much,
why did you go to India to find a wife?
Convent-educated, English speaking
FAIR!
Who hasn't had any previous relationships with any man!
(Ira laughs)
(Knocking sound)
- (Bell ringing sound) - Ah, Lord Curzon!
(Music)
Stop joking.
Go and check who's there.
Her Majesty's Pizza!
Hey...
I didn't think you're going to come back.
I had to!
Okay... how much is it?
Well, actually, it's complementary.
I checked, and we messed up your order.
Oh, how sweet. Come on in!
Come in, come in. Get in here.
Come, come, come.
Shut the door behind you please.
Ladies and gentlemen, guess what - Free pizza is here!
Free?
I'll take that.
Free.
- Free pizza is a different kind of satisfaction! - (Rohit clears throat)
Rohit, why is he still here?
You want a drink mate?
No, no, I just need Henry's signature.
Oh, okay, sure!
Thank you.
(Pizza man clears throat)
I apologize on behalf of Her Majesty's Pizza.
We messed up your order.
Mr. Henry is our gold card member.
I just need him to sign this slip.
Henry?
Henry!
Could you please sign his slip so he can leave?
He isn't Henry!
He is!
No, he isn't!
How do you know?
Have you met him before?
Well no, I haven't, but I have a fair idea what he looks like.
And, why doesn't he look like Henry?
Because... Henry doesn't look like him!
That's poetic!
Listen, I just need the signature.
Or else, I'll need the pizzas back.
Well, take them back!
Now I can't, can I?
Then, get Henry's signature.
But he isn't Henry!
Why?
Because by any stretch of the imagination, he doesn't look like him!
Why?
Because Henry is a bloody Brit!
And this man isn't?
No!
Why?
Because he's Asian.
You see Basuki!
This man doesn't think you're British.
He thinks you're Asian.
(Music)
Give me the bloody slip!
I am British!
You racist pig!
This gentleman is a true Brit!
(Music)
So Henry is Curzon!
Henry is Lord Curzon?
See... He isn't Henry!
I knew that!
Where is he?
What did you do to him?
Wait, hold on!
You don't even know who Henry is?
Who are you people?
Didn't his wife just call, Ira?
The old hag with the memory loss?
Listen!
I need you all to tell me who you are...
And how you got in here.
Otherwise, I'm going to go call the police!
(Music)
I'm going to go right now!
To call the police, yeah?
Listen,
I don't care who you are
or what you do...
I don't even need the signature!
I'll explain everything to the boss.
Didn't you say you were the boss?
Rohit! What the hell is going on?
I want to know the truth!
We're just playing a game, Basuki.
- Fun, fun, fun, fun. Fun. - No, I'm not interested in any games.
Do you want to play a game?
Listen - Please, please just let me go!
I've got pizzas to deliver, and no one likes them cold!
But you're a part of the game now!
- What game? - Is Lord Curzon dead or alive?
That sounds like a great game!
Come on Basuki! You've already checked the trunk.
Let's not start this again.
I told you he doesn't get jokes.
Why am I being held up?
Just play a game with us - then you can leave.
Play what?
- Let's play truth or dare, okay? - I'll lose my job.
Just one round, just one game, then you may leave.
You are out of your fucking minds, yeah?
I'm just gonna leave, yeah?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... (Rohit pushes him down)
Where are your manners, huh?
When a lady asks you to do something, you got to do it!
You got to do it!
To hell with manners!
Be a gentleman!
Do you know how to play, Basuki?
He doesn't even know how to play Ludo.
Okay!
It's very simple. You see...
It's fairly easy, hmm? You take this bottle...
And you spin!
So, now you ask me.
Ask what?
Say truth or dare.
I say, truth or dare?
Yeah, yeah. You're doing good Basuki.
- Am I? - Yes.
I choose truth.
Bloody liar!
Ask me anything.
And, you'll see I never lie.
Who the hell is Lord Curzon?
I knew you would ask me this.
No lies!
No never, nothing but the truth!
Okay, good, tell me.
He is no lord.
We just called him Lord as a joke.
He was a miserable old man,
slightly delusional though.
He thought he believed in equality.
But was actually a racist pig!
He, thought he was superior to others.
But was actually fucking miserable.
He thought...
That he could destroy my life...
Kill my dreams.
He thought he could send me back!
But, I'm still here.
I've won!
You see?
Did he work in the home (VISA) office?
Henry Curzon -
This is his house.
The sofa's his as well.
The drinks you had - the Irish whisky you had - also his.
But where is he?
Hmmm...
Only one question, that's the rule of the game.
And I have answered that question truthfully.
Your turn babe!
(Music)
Truth or dare?
Truth.
Do you think... a brown-skinned person
could ever truly be English?
I pass.
You can't. Rules of the game.
Ask me anything else.
Do you think anyone in this room...
Could ever truly be Brit?
(Heavy wind)
Your turn.
Dare.
Truth or dare?
Truth.
Where is Henry?
In his house.
You mean this house?
That's another question but yes, in this very house.
Then why don't I see him?
That's another-another question!
Rohit your turn!
Dare, dare, dare, dare!
Truth or dare?
Dare!
- You sure? - Absolutely!
Not a coward like you all!
Sure about it?
Extremely.
Kiss your husband!
(Piano key)
Oh Mr. Husband. Come here!
Come on now...
- Don't be shy! - Don't be crazy!
Why are you being so shy? Come here!
- Just one kiss, come! Be a sport. - Ira, don't talk rubbish!
Why, why, why? Just a game.
We just need to do one kiss, come on.
Ira - Just don't -
Let me kiss you, for a change...
Ira - Please.
Come on.
Ashamed, are we? Hmm?
- Ashamed, are you to kiss me? - Ira...
Ira, what are you doing?
Come here!
Stop!
- Look here. - Stop, Ira.
Ira, what are you doing? Ira!
- Feeling shy! Come on! - (Basuki breathes heavily)
Ira!
Ira! What the... Just stop this nonsense!
What the hell!
(Music)
You can't pass!
(Thunder sound)
(Rohit chuckles)
(Ira moans)
Henry?
Curzon?
Oh my God, he is dead.
This... wasn't part of the plan.
This is Lord Curzon for real!
You guys are murderers!
Shut up and give me a hand, you half-Brit!
You too Basuki!
No, I refuse to be part of this criminal offence.
(Rohit scoffs)
- Are you coming? - No fucking way, mate!
Did you say, no fucking way to me? - Alright, alright, alright!
I'll help you!
But I'm not doing it out of my free will!
Aw... I don't care. Just help.
Get his hands! Hurry up!
(Music)
Use your fucking strength man!
Put him down.
Come on!
Let me fucking go! Let me go!
Let me fucking go!
- It's hurting! - Let it fucking hurt!
- It's hurt- - Let it fucking hurt!
- It's hurting! - Let it fucking hurt!
Let it fucking hurt!
- (Ira curses him in Hindi) - (Pizza man groans)
Told you not to fucking touch me. Didn't I? Didn't I?!
You bloody half-Brit! Didn't I tell you not to touch me?
Why did you touch me then?
Told you not to fucking touch me.
Does it hurt? Does it hurt?!
- Tell me does it hurt? - It hurts. It hurts.
Let it hurt! Let it hurt then!
(Ira beats him to pulp)
Dial.
What are you going to say?
Ira, just... Just come to your senses, okay?
Tell me - why did you marry me?
Ira you're scaring me...
You don't like me, right?
Ira just calm down - Just...
Just listen to me. Just calm down.
Tell me, how do I look in this dress?
Good. Very good!
- Am I looking good? - Yes!
Yes, very pretty.
- Very pretty? - Yes, very pretty.
Ira, listen to me.
Just, just calm down, okay?
Then why didn't you kiss me?
Ira...
Kiss me!
I said...
Kiss me!
(Music)
Kiss me!
(Music)
Is there hot water in the bathroom?
Hm.
(Music)
Sanya,
give me something to wear.
Are you done?
How are you feeling now?
Everything is a blur.
I feel like I am flying.
(Rohit chuckles)
That's how you feel. The first time.
Light!
Welcome to the world of light!
Let's go.
I feel suffocated here.
What happened now?
You guys go ahead, I am coming.
Hi! This is an emergency, my house is under attack!
There are intruders! They look Indian or maybe Pakis!
Oh, I don't know! Bloody brownies!
- Sir, what's your name? - Henry Curzon!
We are sending officers to your address-
What a beautiful city, isn't it?
I am in love with this place.
I don't want to live anywhere else in the world!
Everything feels like a dream.
These damn Britishers ruled us for two-hundred years in our own country,
And they can't give me a VISA even for two years?
I'm on a spouse VISA,
do you think they'll send me back to Bhatinda?
I don't want to go!
(Church bell chimes)
(Car engine revs)
(Cuckoo clock chimes)
(Clock ticks)
In other news - the issue of squatters in the UK is escalating enormously.
In the most recent episode,
three dead bodies were recovered from a summer home in the outskirts of London.
The police are yet to confirm the identities of the bodies.
And now, to the weather forecast.