No, Mom. We can do better than this.
It's going underground, what's the difference?
He would've wanted something nicer.
Well, he should have thought about that before he left us.
Lilies are a classic option.
Some prefer something more exotic, like an orchid.
You can also spring for a custom arrangement for the wreath.
We have an agreement with the florist down the street.
They will work with you if you have a design or color scheme in mind.
Your father and I weren't big on parties.
He only gets one of these.
Well, I just don't see why it has to be such a big to-do.
We hired caterers, Mom. You don't have to actually do anything.
Having help is always more work. They don't know where anything is.
- There's never enough food. - There'll be plenty of food.
This house isn't big enough for so many people.
Well, Mel offered to host.
And how would that look?
Dad?
A paper shadow in a house of stone
The wooden flag Of a drifting dreamboat
I never knew How far the ride was gonna go
Till I looked back at the smoke
You can't keep up with the Joneses
Don't wanna run for the roses
I got my pocket of posies
Sometimes I wonder why
I just don't run with the Joneses
Don't wanna smell the dying roses
I got my pocket full of posies
I don't keep up with the Joneses
As we prepare to commit our brother, Ronald Cooper,
to his final resting place,
I'd like to invite his daughter, Allison, to honor her father with a song.
I used to play this song when I was younger.
And it meant a lot to me.
I'd like to think it meant a lot to him too.
Shadows are fallin' And I'm runnin' out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you wake up in the mornin' And you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leavin' nightly called "When All is Said and Done"
Keep me in your heart for a while
Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo Lo-lo-love
Keep me in your heart for a while
Lo-lo-lo…
This is what happens.
You marry your high school sweetheart.
You have a couple kids.
You start making money.
It's not a lot,
but if you keep your nut small, you can save for a rainy day.
And those do come.
So, you tell yourself next year is the year you'll travel,
buy the nice car.
You get so accustomed to postponing the reward,
you forget what it was you wanted in the first place.
But that's all right.
At least you have your health.
Then, on a day like any other day,
you go to sleep, and you don't wake up.
And your carefully managed life ends just like that,
with no warning
and no fanfare.
Laid to rest by a pastor who's never even met you.
And knowing my father, he would have been okay with that.
But I think he would've liked to say goodbye.
Andrew.
- I am so sorry for your loss. - Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much.
- Thanks for being here. Appreciate it. - Yeah.
I kinda always hoped she'd die first, you know?
Let Dad have a few years to enjoy himself.
Yeah, well, she never seemed terribly happy about being alive.
What about you? You gonna be okay today?
Who, me? Oh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
It's okay if you're not.
Thanks. But you don't have to worry about me.
I'm sad, but in the dead dad way.
Not the bipolar way.
Hey, Mel.
- You sang beautifully. - Thank you.
- And thanks for helping us out. - Oh, yeah.
Your mom made me add and remove the leaf to that table like four times.
- God. - Sorry.
- Will you take these upstairs, dear? - Oh. Of course.
- Mom. - It's… It's fine.
- I'm happy to help. - Good, I'm glad,
- because the caterer needs it. - Oh, she really doesn't.
She doesn't even know how to use a vegetable peeler.
She knows how to prepare food, Mom. She does it for a living.
- Ali. - It's not a problem.
I will drop these off and then go figure out the whole peeler/non-peeler situation.
Why don't you let me take those upstairs?
- It's okay, I got it. - I can take 'em up.
Why don't you get yourself a drink 'cause I think you could use one?
What?
You two don't behave like a divorced couple.
- Mom… - You don't.
We're so sorry for your loss.
He loved you so much. It's been ages.
Honey, look at you.
You are a woman.
Isn't she, Glen?
Am I allowed to say?
And you.
You are the spitting image of your father at the same age.
You still doing the acting?
- Music. - Right.
You know, my sister's brother-in-law was off-Broadway once.
I should connect you two.
Again, not acting.
I think they sang too.
Didn't they sing, Glen?
Oh, there's Marley.
Well, I'm sorry about your grandpa.
Thank you.
How long do you think we have to stay?
Oh, I think the whole time.
Oh, God. Mom keeps staring at me.
I can feel how badly she wants to lecture me.
Okay, don't be a dick to her today.
You're taking her side?
I'm taking the side of whoever's not being a dick.
Best trips I've ever taken!
We went in October, December and March.
That is a lot of cruises.
Mar… Marley should come this year.
She'll have a blast.
Well, good luck getting her on a boat.
I'm telling you, the singles scene on these things pu-puts Florida to shame.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
- Oh, wow. - So we worked together for over 20 years,
and we did a Secret Santa
every Christmas.
We had a running gag
where no matter who got Ron, they'd give him socks.
I don't… I don't get it.
Was it the socks? Did they say something funny?
No. It was just a running gag.
Oh.
Ron was always a good sport about it.
Andrew. Linda Marshall. I play canasta with your mother.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
The Lord takes us when He takes us.
That is literally true.
You make such a lovely couple.
Oh, you're sweet, but we've been divorced some time now.
Well…
my daughter Emily is divorced.
I'll get you her number.
- Okay. - Who's that?
That's Hal Singer, Artie Stein,
and that's me over there looking like I don't know my ass from my elbow.
Which one is my dad?
He wasn't there that day.
…again and again, but they just ignored me.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I just miss him.
You wanna step outside and get some fresh air?
No, no, no, I'm fine.
You need to tap out of this anytime, just tell me.
- No questions asked. - Thanks.
S-Same goes for you.
Coop.
- Hey, buddy. - Sorry we're late.
Yeah, we had to, uh, make a stop.
I threw up on his shoes.
Oh, well, uh, does that mean you're hungry?
Maybe a drink?
Oh, Ali.
Uh, I just need a minute.
Hey, come here.
What happened?
My father died.
I really don't want a scene today.
Oh, my God, Mom, I am not making a scene.
You take your pills this morning?
- Jesus, Mom. - I'm just saying.
How are you holding up?
Well, I'll be doing better when all these people are gone.
Is that a smudge?
Maybe.
Here.
So, Nick is on TV now, hmm? How's that going?
Oh, you know, we stopped seeing each other a while ago.
Huh.
You feeling all right, dear?
Hot flash.
Hold this on the back of your neck.
- Thank you. - Women die twice.
God forbid we complain about it.
Excuse me. Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah,
if I stay down here, I'll just kill my mom in front of all her guests.
And then we'll have to come back here and do this all again next week.
Hang on, I'll go with you.
How's she doing?
Which one?
- Exactly. - Hey, Coop.
- Hey, brother. - Hey… Oh, oh.
I'm so sorry.
- Thank you. - I brought you some Yamazaki.
Thanks for coming.
You didn't have to come.
- Are you kidding? Of course I did. - Wanna go upstairs?
Times like these, you… you shouldn't be alone.
Right. Well, uh…
things are moving ahead with Bailey Russell.
We should have the final paperwork next week.
Oh, we don't have to talk about that right now.
What else are we going to talk about?
Andy, do you wanna keep your father's hedge clippers?
If not, I'm gonna give them to Neil.
Neil can have them.
And when you get a chance, I'd appreciate it
if you would get that television set off the living room wall.
- It's an eyesore. - Maybe not today, Mom.
Well, when's the next time I'm gonna have a house full of strong backs?
- You must be Mrs. Cooper. - Mmm.
Hi, I'm Owen Ashe. A very close friend of your son's.
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Oh, thank you, dear.
I lost my wife, uh, a few years back.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
- Grief is a motherfucker. - Oh.
The day of her funeral, it hadn't hit me yet.
So, I kept looking at the door, thinking that she was just gonna come walking in.
It was her house, after all.
Yeah, you have your good moments,
and that makes the bad moments land a little harder.
But, look, you got a wonderful family and they love and support you.
- You-You'll be okay. - Mmm.
Oh.
How old is that?
Mmm. I don't know.
Pot doesn't expire. It's organic.
I don't think that's true.
It's good enough.
What'd she do this time?
Well, apparently, everyone is allowed to be sad except for me.
I can't even cry at my dad's funeral without her wanting to lobotomize me.
I think she blames me for his death.
Why?
He was always worried about me.
I didn't make it easy on him.
He loved you.
Yeah, I guess…
I don't like the idea that he was stressed out his entire life because of me.
Please. She stressed him out way more than you did.
You know, being the family fuckup isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Being the golden child isn't any better.
- Sorry. Not to make it about me. - No, no. Please.
Say more.
I don't know.
I guess I should've started fucking up way sooner.
Yeah, that would've helped.
Do you ever wonder how easier life would be if we were boys?
And, like, mid.
Yeah, just two totally unremarkable dudes.
We'd skate by.
Is that weed?
Man, when my dad died, I think I was in shock for, like, a month.
- I guess I thought he'd live forever. - Yeah.
Never thought I'd be that shocked again.
Then came Athens. Nobody saw it coming.
Heart still breaks every time I look at that bronze medal.
All right. Okay.
I guess I'm saying it gets better, man.
But it also gets worse.
Thank you for that.
No. Anytime.
When I die, I wanna be cremated. No question.
I just don't get why anybody would wanna be burned like trash.
Well, I'd rather be burned than eaten by worms.
Plus, there's this thing now where they can turn your remains into a diamond.
Mmm.
You'd just be carrying out my wishes.
- Still, I couldn't. - I could.
If it came to quality of life, I'd rip that cord right outta the wall.
Thanks, honey.
You know you don't literally pull the plug, right?
You just make the call.
That's less enticing.
Trust me, you can wear it in his honor.
I've been researching some of that antiaging stuff.
Testosterone, HGH.
I mean, it's not as out there as people think.
I've been getting vampire facials for years.
Vitamins, hormones, stem cell infusions.
Hey, you better believe,
I'll be talking my kids into pumping their blood into my veins.
Why not, right?
Are you and Hunter the same blood type?
You should find out.
You should.
Diane had our plots picked out years ago.
Yeah, of course I did.
All the good spots get snapped up.
If I left it to him, we'd be buried on opposite sides of the cemetery.
That's why they call it resting in peace.
Let's see here.
You have to start taking this stuff seriously, Coop.
Heart disease runs in families.
You're reaching that age, man.
And it's not like you've had a stress-free life.
Finance guys keel over at their desks all the time.
It's a thing. Remember Johnny Arruda?
- I think they would fit you perfectly. - He was fit.
- Ran marathons, CrossFit, everything. - Uh, sure, thank you.
Learned everything I know from him. But, uh, oof. Yeah.
My dad was a bull in a china shop everywhere he went.
This one time, he noticed inventory was light, right?
So, he goes and checks into it, figures it's a port-level issue.
So, he takes himself all the way to Brooklyn Piers
in the middle of winter, asks his guys what's going on, right?
No one's talking, okay?
So, he elbows his way onto this massive freighter,
I'm talking about one of those huge ships.
Irina Class, 1,300 feet, propellers like the size of your house.
Now, the guys start getting antsy because, you know, they got a schedule to keep.
And this really pisses him off.
So, he-he storms into the bridge, starts messing with the controls, right?
Trying to cut the engines, which I guess is some sort of union violation,
because this huge Longshoremen's Association motherfucker comes after him,
says, "You can't touch shit."
My dad gets in his face, yells at him,
"These are my men, these are my goods, I'll touch whatever the fuck I want."
Somebody throws the first punch.
They get into it.
Long story short, they both fall overboard.
Yeah, 80-foot drop into the river
and then… right under the hull.
Jesus, that's a horrible way to die.
Oh, no. My dad died at 78.
Stage four, colon cancer.
What are you gonna do?
My Annie Lennox is missing. Fuck!
Oh, no, wait. Here it is.
- This tastes stale. - It's organic.
The only reason I'm doing this is 'cause you're mad at me.
And, you know, death.
"It is decidedly so."
Goddamn it.
- What? - This goddamn dog.
Wait, let me see.
Oh. Hi, buddy.
- Oh, are you a good boy? - He's not a good boy.
He takes giant dumps on my lawn.
God. I've told these people a million times,
please keep your dog off our lawn.
I don't think that's so much to ask, to have your dog stay in your own yard?
You should see these people, they're so fucking condescending
with their whole, like, my-dog-is-my-child bullshit.
Really, would you have your kid shitting all over my lawn?
What?
Mom, you sound unhinged.
I'm not unhinged. I'm totally hinged.
- Mmm. - Okay.
- You're perseverating. - I regret teaching you that word.
I move out, and you go full Nextdoor narc.
Excuse me, how could I be a narc?
I'm literally doing drugs with my daughter.
Is Mel a narc?
"Reply hazy, try again."
- It knows we're high. - Uh-huh.
You know what I need?
- A job. - A fuck.
- A life. - Okay, wow. I was gonna say snacks.
Well, snacks are downstairs.
- It's too far. - Yeah. No, that's a nonstarter.
Whoa. That's a first.
Help me up.
Wow. It's such a beautiful photo.
But look at you. You look like a young Grace Kelly.
Oh, shush.
- I mean it. Spitting image. My gosh. - Oh, stop.
Bet you had to beat them away with a stick, didn't you?
Hey.
These are from Bailey Russell?
Why is Jack sending you flowers?
- I'm doing a deal with him. - With Jack? Are you kidding me?
Well, I'm on the other side of the table. It's completely different.
The man screwed you.
I'm sorry, are you high right now?
What?
No.
Well, okay, yes. But not like high high.
Why? Am I acting weird?
You know what? I don't care.
I'm not gonna apologize because your mother…
- is a lot. - Yeah, that she is.
She is all that and a bag of chips.
- What? - Do we have chips?
What happened here, bub?
- Nothing. I'm fine. - Sweetheart, you are 16 years old.
You have got to get better at lying to me.
- He tripped. - See? Like that.
Is Grandma pissed at us?
No, that's just her face whenever I walk into a room.
You get used to it.
I'm not like that, am I?
Don't sell yourself short, Mom.
Where's the TV?
Hey. Ho. What the fuck?
Hello, where are you going?
Wait, hold up, hold up, hold up.
- What's wrong? - What the fuck are you doing?
Your mom asked us to take it down, so we're bringing it to the garage.
No, she was mistaken.
Please, just… just put it back.
Uh…
- Really? Jesus Christ. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Give me the goddamn TV. - Your mom seemed really sure about it.
She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.
And I don't even know what the fuck you're doing here.
- That's the grief talking. - No, it isn't.
Look, it was an honest mistake. I'm sorry.
Yeah. It's fine.
Is that my dad's belt?
Oh, yeah. Your mom gave it to me. Said it looked nice with my suit.
Wow.
- Andy. - Where's Mom?
I don't know. She's around here somewhere. What did I miss?
- Nothing. I just need to find her. - I think you need to calm down.
- I'm fine. - No, you don't look fine.
You look like you're about to murder a widow with a flat screen,
and believe me, nobody wants that more than me, but not today.
- Not today, Andy. - Jesus, are you high too?
Yeah, you want some?
- It's s-stale but strong. - No, thank you.
Okay, well, you need to take a break.
- What? - Yeah, uh, tap out.
Go to your room. I'll handle down the fort down here.
She's giving away his stuff.
Well, she's a real bitch on wheels, but what's new?
- Ali… - Go.
Cartier's Wax Seal Motif Cufflinks
are designed to look like the burnt insignias
they used to seal letters with back in the old days.
This was before licking envelopes and text messages,
back when people still put periods at the end of their sentences.
The family seal told you who the letter was from.
It told the family who they were too, or who they thought they were.
Only a fool would give Cartier cuff links
to a man who regularly shopped the Brooks Brothers sale rack.
I doubt Ron Cooper even had a shirt that took cuff links.
But it was his birthday, and I wanted to give him something nice.
So I went with a pair of $4,800 designer cuff links
that he, apparently, never took out of the box.
Like all gifts, this one said more about the giver than the recipient.
And I didn't love what it said about me.
No. How dare you?
I don't know why you have to take everything so personally.
I take it personally because you're attacking my person!
- What is going on here? - I don't know, but we can't get out.
- What happened there? - Nothing. I'm fine.
Hey, Mel. This is exactly like what we were talking about upstairs.
- You were talking about me? - Of course not.
- What's all this then? - Just tell her what you told me.
You know what? This is a family matter. I just don't think I should get involved.
No, you should not.
- Mom. - What? She's not family anymore.
- Oh, okay. - Wow.
Okay, can we all just dial the temperature down a little bit?
I have been biting my tongue all goddamn day,
and she just keeps poking at me.
She pokes. It's a poke, a poke, a poke.
It's like she wants me to go off so she can poke me about that.
I don't know what you're talking about. My husband just died.
- Okay. Ali, Ali, Ali. - Oh.
- I think you need to tap out, okay? - Me?
Why don't you go to your room, take a deep breath, calm down and--
Coop. She's a grown woman. You can't send her to her room.
I thought you said you weren't getting involved.
I say a lot of things.
Hold on!
What in the sweet fuck are you doing here?
Your mom invited us.
And you thought it would be a good idea to come?
I assumed she cleared it with you.
No, she did not!
I'm really sorry about Ron. He was a good man.
Oh, thanks, Bruce. Now, why don't you just go fuck off?
- Hi, Joan. - Allison.
God, I cannot believe you would fucking invite him.
It's ancient history. I just assumed we had all moved on.
Bruce certainly has.
Oh, if he had moved on, he wouldn't have fucked me last year, huh?
Damn it, Ali.
Wait, wait. This is that Bruce? Like, "Fuck Bruce" Bruce?
Ali, I thought he'd be way hotter.
- Ali… - Tori. Excuse her, she's high.
What? You're getting high with the children now?
We had a breakthrough.
- Oh, my God. Really? - Yeah.
I think we should probably leave.
Yes, I-I think so too.
Nonsense.
You just got here.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Joan is my friend. - Okay. New… New plan.
New plan. Joan, please stay.
Bruce, kindly fuck off.
- I'm her ride. - I swear to God, Bruce.
Okay.
Oh, God. Oh.
- Get my hair, get my hair, Barney. - Oh, I got it. I got it. You're okay.
Oh, my God. I'm so, so sorry.
- Can I get some water? - Yeah, I got it.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I would like the feeling
I would like the feeling gone
'Cause I don't like the way it's
I don't like the way it's
I don't like the way it's looking
I get caught looking in the mirror On the regular
What I see there resembles Some competitor
I see things behind things Behind things
And there are rings within rings Within rings
What can I get ya?
- Size 12, please. - Got it.
Okay.
Hi. Sorry, you were at the cemetery.
Elaine Naft.
- Hi. Uh, Andrew Cooper. - I know.
Do you want to sit down?
Uh, sure. Yes, I'd love to.
So, how did you know my dad?
- We were on a bowling team together. - Huh.
We met every Thursday for the past ten years.
I… I thought the bowling team disbanded years ago.
We didn't let that stop us.
Oh.
I see. So, you, uh…
Does that shock you?
- He was a pretty straitlaced guy. - He was.
He was also a lot of other things.
Is that so?
He loved you very much.
I'm sure you know that.
Yeah.
He talked about you a lot.
You and your sister.
That's funny. He never mentioned you at all.
No. I don't suppose he would've.
So, what was the plan? You guys were gonna run off together or something?
God, no. We were both too old for that.
I think we were…
just lonely in the same way.
And having each other…
well, it made things better.
Is it weird that it makes me happy to hear that?
Honestly, I thought we'd have more time.
Yeah.
You and me both.
He worried about you, you know?
Well, I got into some trouble last year,
but I'm… It's all sorted out.
No, he worried about you before that.
He worried you might never be happy.
Is anyone?
I'd like to think he was.
Yeah, I don't know. He took a lot of shit at home and at work.
I think sometimes it felt like he had just given up.
Is that funny?
You're exactly like he said.
What do you mean?
You're angry at the world.
Yeah. The world can be a shitty place.
Maybe.
Maybe there's something in you that expects too much out of it.
So, I should just settle for less?
Like he did.
You think he settled?
I think he deserved more.
Ron's life might've looked small to you,
but the way he saw it, he had his whole world under one roof.
That made him happy.
I already miss him.
You and me both, honey.
You really believe that? That he was happy?
I think he was happy by nature.
I think he found things to be happy about.
And for everything else, there was bowling.
Yeah.
- Mom in here? - Yep.
Come on.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye.
- Hello. - How many?
Just three of us. She's a size 3, he's a 9, I'm a 12.