Say goodbye to your old-fashioned toilet,
and say hello to luxury.
Introducing the Luxos MT.
The world's most advanced luxury commode.
It's gonna change the way you think about the bathroom.
- Am I right, Cindy? - That's right.
It heats, it cleans, it deodorizes.
It comes standard with Luxos's triple tornado flush system,
and it's smart home compatible.
And here to tell us more about it is Luxos brand ambassador
and three-time NBA All-Star, Nick Brandes.
This audience.
- I love you, Nick! - I love you too.
- Thank you, Cindy. Jim, my man. - Of course. Please.
It's a pleasure to be here.
You're an NBA champion, you are rich, you are handsome,
everybody loves you...
I'm sorry. Is there a question in there?
'Cause so far, I can't argue with any of that.
You have a string of successful businesses.
Just tell us, why toilets?
- Instead of sneakers or tequila? - Exactly.
Because they've been done before.
See, I always say,
"Why be late to the party, when you can throw your own?"
Go.
Speaking of party.
- Is that coming from there? - It is.
That's right. It's coming from the built-in Bluetooth speakers.
- Oh, no! - Can you do it?
Hey!
Show me what you got.
No, she didn't!
So, bottom line, the Luxos MT is gonna change the game.
Sitting on one of these is like a little vacation
you can book for yourself every day.
Nick Brandes, everybody!
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I really love toilets.
- Okay, I'm working. - I know. Look, I just...
The party. It was a lot. I acted like an asshole.
Yeah, no argument here.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
That's the last time I throw you a party.
I appreciate you trying to take care of me,
even if sometimes I don't know what to do with it.
Well, I can't say you didn't warn me.
No, you can't.
Look, I know this, us, we shouldn't have happened.
Or, at least, not the way it happened.
- I'm sure you have your regrets. - Nick, I--
No. I feel them.
Believe me, I wish it had gone down differently,
but just because it didn't start right, doesn't mean it isn't right.
This is real for me, Mel.
I just wish you didn't feel like you have to try so hard.
That's what happens when you fall to the second round of the Draft.
You spend the rest of your career and life trying to make up for it.
You don't have to do that with me.
Do you have, like, a dressing room?
Yeah. A nice one.
Show me.
What am I looking at?
I know it looks like somebody wiping off their brushes,
but this is a Lichtenstein.
I know who Lichtenstein is, you barom.
What I meant is why am I looking at a bad photo of it?
- 'Cause I wanna steal it. - I don't mess with art.
- Neither do you. - Come on.
Jewelry and watches can only get me so far.
A score like this, way more upside for the exact same risk.
Score? Who are you, James Caan all of a sudden?
I'm sure you know someone that can move it.
- Rocco, what's my policy on paintings? - No paintings!
These art guys, they're a different breed.
I'm telling you. They're savages.
The last time this sold at auction
it went for over one million dollars.
That was seven years ago.
I've already been inside the house where it is.
I steal it, I replace it with a forgery, nobody knows the difference.
- Easy. - How do you know it isn't already a fake?
Because the guy that owns it probably bought it from Larry Gagosian personally.
He's an insecure narcissist whose entire self-worth is wrapped up in what he owns.
He doesn't care that it's beautiful, he cares that it's real.
I know the type.
Come on. I'll toss you an extra ten percent.
You don't have to lift a finger. I just need the introduction.
I will have to lift a finger, and for that I'll take an extra 20.
And if it goes sideways, I don't know you.
But you have to hear me. Now, you do this, you do it the way I say.
Pikk pakk. No improvising.
- Yeah, I hear you. - Say it.
- Pikk pakk. - Smart-ass.
No improvising.
Okay. Get out of my store.
I'll let you know when it's set.
Rocco.
- So, it looks like we hit a shale shelf. - And what does that mean?
Means my guys are gonna have to spend a few weeks breaking it up,
pulling it out.
Well, can't you just dig around it?
Yeah, sure.
If you wanna move your entire house 100 feet that way.
I'm kidding.
But I can't dig a foundation into solid rock. We gotta pull it out.
Hey, Phil, where do you want this loader?
- Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. - So, just... Phil,
so, how much is that gonna cost?
Well, I can't give you an exact figure until we start demolition,
see how far down the shelf goes.
It's gonna be heavy machinery. Possibly some blasting.
You're gonna blow up my backyard?
Well, not me. I'm gonna bring in some specialists.
Ballpark, Phil?
Just... how fucked are we?
Two hundred grand. Give or take.
Okay.
Okay, maybe we should just press pause, you know?
Get a surveyor out, we check in with the architect.
- We should maybe do that... - No.
Hey, that's your call.
But if we stop work, I gotta move my guys to the next project in line.
That won't be necessary, Phil. E-mail us the quote, we'll work it out.
Will do.
Hey.
- I didn't see you. - Surprise.
I love this song.
- Where you headed? - Chemistry.
Forget chemistry.
You're coming with me.
Yeah, fuck me harder. Harder.
Your fucking dick is so big.
Fuck! Harder, harder, harder.
I'm gonna come! I'm coming!
Yeah!
It's Henry's birthday on Saturday.
Oh, right. What is he, almost six?
Five.
Yeah, well, that's a fun age. Is he having a party?
I'm taking him to Boston to see my parents.
Nice. When will you be back?
I'm not sure.
Think I need to get away from everything for just a bit.
Well, when you get back, if you want, we could maybe go down to the city,
check in some place, get away from everything together.
It's fine. We don't have to do that.
I mean, I know we don't have to do that, we don't have to do any of this.
That's true.
And I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't.
What are you talking about?
I think maybe we've taken this as far as it goes.
Let's not ride it until the wheels come off.
I like you, Coop. A lot.
Maybe too much.
The things is, I don't always like myself when I'm with you.
Hey, hey.
Sam, look, I know I've been a bit preoccupied the last few days...
You're not ready for anything real. At least not with me.
And I just can't be some wayward bachelor's midlife fling forever.
That is not what I think of you.
Come on, Coop. I'm giving you a guilt-free out.
Just take it.
Kind of sounds like I don't have much choice.
Wrong again.
Sam...
Hey.
A little afternoon delight with Sam, huh?
Yeah. I'm afraid it might be the swan song for that.
That's too bad.
- Right? - I mean, it's fine.
Okay. Cool.
Well, I will not miss the play-by-play.
- Oh, my God. Right there. - Okay.
- Can we talk... - That's the spot.
- Fuck yeah! - ...about something else?
Fine, what do you wanna talk about?
- Anything else. How's your new gig? - It's good.
I mean, it's really good actually. They offered me a regular slot.
Four nights a week at The Tap, prime time, poster in the window.
- I mean, the whole shebang. - That's amazing.
I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.
- Thanks. - Wow, now one of us actually has a job.
Well, for a guy who has no job, you sure are busy.
I feel like I have this place all to myself, like, every day.
Yeah, well, not today, baby.
TCM beckons.
I wanna report a murder.
- Okay. Excellent. - Sit down.
Can we watch something that was made after I was born?
No.
- Who was murdered? - I was.
Yeah.
Look up.
It's only been a year.
You're still in the grief phase, you know?
Imagining they'll get back together,
and everything will be like how it used to be.
Once you let go of that little fantasy, you'll see divorce has its upsides.
Like what?
With two parents, you're outnumbered,
but with one, it's way easier to slip under the radar.
But the real trick is playing them off each other to get what you want.
I used to do that when they were still married.
There's more to you than meets the eye, Hunter Cooper.
God, I hope so.
Who's in there?
- Shit. - Unlock this door immediately.
Skipping class and trespassing are cause for concern as it is, but--
Okay, trespassing? Come on.
You make it sound like he had ski mask and a bolt cutter.
He was messing around backstage with his friends.
I'm afraid this goes way beyond that.
Hunter was distributing drugs to his peers.
- Excuse me? - What?
They were snorting his Adderall in the dressing room.
Mayfield has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to drug dealing on campus.
I cannot turn a blind eye.
I'm afraid Hunter will be expelled.
- One... Just a second. Please. - Wait.
Look. Our son is not a drug dealer, okay?
He has ADHD.
Now, do teenagers make bad decisions?
Yes, it's baked into their DNA.
But he's never gotten in trouble before.
He deserves a second chance.
Mr. Cooper, this isn't the first meeting we've had
about Hunter's behavior this year.
- The absences, the missed assignments... - What are you talking about?
- What is she... - Coop...
You had meetings without me?
They were in your calendar.
Why wouldn't you have called me and told me what was going on in these meetings?
Okay. Not now, please.
I understand the position our son has put you in.
I see troubled kids every day in my practice.
I always try to consider the mitigating circumstances.
Maybe these older kids pressured him into sharing his prescription, right?
He wanted to impress them.
He wasn't selling drugs, he was trying to fit in.
But he will be punished.
We will personally guarantee nothing like this ever happens again.
I'm afraid my hands are tied.
Okay. Leila, I saw the big thermometer downstairs in the hallway.
This year's fundraiser for the new athletic center?
You're short.
How much is it gonna take to put you over the top?
- Mrs. Cooper. - No. Hunter's a good kid.
You know it. We know it.
And the school has needs. Everybody wins.
So, come on.
What's the going rate for turning a blind eye these days?
$240,000, Mel?
Jesus Christ.
Look, our son was about to get kicked out
of one of the best schools in New York State,
and that would have killed his chances of getting into a decent college.
And you know something? I didn't see you doing anything to fix it.
We could have reasoned with her. We could have appealed to her.
My God, she's only known us forever.
She called him a drug dealer.
And you rewarded her with a quarter-million-dollar pledge.
Sorry. I really thought she was gonna say, like, 20 or 30.
Maybe lead with that. Instead of with a blank check.
Hey, guess what? You're the big hedge fund guy.
Why didn't you negotiate?
Because when you negotiate, you need leverage.
Leverage is what you immediately gave away when you opened your mouth.
"What is the going rate for turning a blind eye?" My God.
You know what? Are you done?
'Cause I've already got one child to deal with today.
You!
So you're suspended.
And grounded.
- Forever. - Mom--
And it'd be really smart if you don't talk right now.
Bowie, huh? I didn't know you were into him.
He's all right.
Wow.
Read the room, Coop. It's not the time to play the cool dad.
Good luck, buddy.
Girls, bow to Grandmother.
Mom...
Smooth travels?
Yes.
It's nice to see you again, eomeoni.
Barney.
So, he still doesn't speak Korean?
He's learning.
Slowly.
- Mr. Park, welcome. - Girls...
How are your parents, Barney?
The same, sir.
Do you still drink scotch?
From time to time.
This one is for special occasion.
Forty-year-old Cantrell Gold.
Thank you, sir.
Dad...
So, everything's been good?
Yes.
Girls...
You need to bow.
You got so big.
Okay, girls, do you wanna show halmeoni and harabeoji the side door?
Sorry about the mess.
Construction's moving a little slower than we expected.
So, what do you think?
I don't know. I mean, it's...
Stuff like this, it seems like it's more provocative
than meaningful, in any real way.
Who's gonna care about this stuff five years from now, right?
But I'm no expert.
There are no wrong answers.
That's the beauty of art.
Yeah.
Who told you that?
When I was little, my aunt was a docent at the Bellapart in Santo Domingo.
I used to spend the summers with her, watch her give tours.
Hey, are you sure you wanna do this?
Do what?
Any of it. All of it.
Are you trying to cut me out of this already?
- No, no. Not at all. - Then what?
Well, I'm just saying, if we get caught,
I can talk my way out of it, I can lawyer up.
What happens when you get caught?
- I don't need you to protect me. - Well, good.
'Cause I'd probably be pretty shitty at it.
But aren't you putting kind of everything at risk?
What am I putting at risk?
What do you think I actually have to lose?
Okay, partner.
What about this thing?
It's a lot to take in, isn't it?
The artist was once an altar boy in Düsseldorf.
Likely molested.
Definitely a prick.
I'm Christian Tómasson. I'm the owner of the place
- for better or worse. - Of course. Nice to meet you.
- I believe we have a mutual friend? - I believe you're correct.
Well, I have to say, she described you perfectly.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
- And who's your date? - His partner.
Pleasure to meet you.
Enchanté.
Partner?
Excellent.
I saw you looking at this piece.
Yes, it's provocative.
Yes. Most of this shit is.
But is it actually any good?
That feels like a trick question.
Come with me. Let's talk art.
This piece was difficult to acquire.
Especially on such short notice.
You mean, someone already had this sitting around?
Well, I have a lesbian in Bushwick who sources all my pop abstracts.
- Impressive. - Is she the one looking at us now?
It is as close to perfect as it can be.
The Magna acrylic paint Lichtenstein used is nearly impossible to source.
Most modern day acrylic paint is water-soluble,
but the Magna was miscible with turpentine.
Golden Artists Colors comes closest to Magna's high gloss finish,
but it's not an exact match.
It will hold up to scrutiny, but not chemical analysis.
It won't be analyzed.
How can you be sure?
You know your job, I know mine.
You've never done this before, have you?
- I'm a quick study. - You're a tourist.
Tourists make me nervous.
And yet, here you are.
Yes, I am here.
Lu believes in you, and I believe in Lu.
But I'm still not convinced you can deliver.
Well, the fact that you called your lesbian in Bushwick
makes me think that you think I can deliver.
Okay, so, we swap out the fake, bring you the original, and then what?
After I authenticate the piece, I have two buyers interested.
One crypto bro who wants to move into tangible assets,
and the other, his former employer.
It's deliciously messy.
I expect the bidding to be heated.
That sounds promising.
What the hell?
I have decided to like you.
I appreciate it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some psychedelics to procure for some clients.
Have fun.
We just received the pool tile.
It's gorgeous, handmade in Portugal.
Barney picked it out.
It will be beautiful when it's done, honey.
But we're concerned about the girls.
All the noise and dust, strange men coming in and out.
It's only for a few more months.
Mother and I discussed it.
You will stay at our apartment in the city until the work is finished.
I appreciate the offer.
But I think moving would be disruptive for the girls.
More disruptive than living in all this mess?
He should have rented another house.
We just want you and the children to be comfortable.
We're perfectly comfortable.
Comfortable? This is comfortable?
Dining in the sun room?
Why don't I get us some whiskey?
Ah, eomeoni. Did you need anything?
Grace tells me you're having some financial challenges.
- I'd like to help. - That's not necessary.
I'll feel better, knowing she didn't have to worry.
I don't know what Grace told you, but there's nothing to worry about.
I'm just trying to encourage some financial responsibility.
One of the hazards of marrying a wealth manager, I guess.
My daughter is not a client.
She's your wife.
Don't worry.
This will stay just between us.
I have a personal account I keep just for these little emergencies.
It's very generous of you, Mrs. Park, but there is no emergency, so...
You know, you would do so much better working for Mr. Park.
Yeah.
It's a shame you don't speak Korean.
Shame he's such a fucking prick.
Hey, Hunter. We still need to talk about what happened at school.
- Why? - Because you almost got expelled.
- Does that not concern you? - Yeah, not really.
Have you seen the Flamin' Hots?
How about something that won't rot your guts?
I can whip you up a smoothie?
- No, thanks. - Hey.
I just wanna understand what happened.
I cut class. It's not that complicated.
But what about the medication? Were you selling it?
No! What?
It's understandable for you to wanna impress your peers.
But Adderall's a serious drug, you can't just hand it out--
Oh, my God. Can you stop?
Wait a minute. Where're you going?
Hey! I'm not done talking to you.
Hey. Brought you a prezzie.
So, how's it feel being Mayfield's main character?
All the sophomore hotties sliding into your DMs or what?
Yeah, totally.
You make this?
Yeah.
Holy shit, Hunter. I think you might actually have a soul.
Fuck off.
Ali?
Hey, I didn't know you joined.
I'm just borrowing Andy's.
He doesn't use it anymore, and it seemed a shame to let it go to waste.
Sorry, memberships aren't transferable.
Neither are wives, and yet...
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take it for a test drive?
If you decide to sign up, we're running a friends and family promotion all month.
Thanks, Nick.
I am neither.
A reasonable person might have seen a close call
with the police and a flesh wound from a large dog
as a flashing neon sign from the universe,
telling them to find a new line of work.
But that wasn't really an option for me.
Know what you're doing?
Not particularly.
Your canvas...
All right. Stretch bars slide together like this.
I use these to spread the corners...
Backdoor open.
When it comes to American pop art, Roy Lichtenstein is in a dead heat
with Jeff Koons as the favorite for buyers who don't actually give a shit about art,
but regard it as a sexy investment.
They're COINS, Collectors Only In Name.
This piece here, Square, from 1983,
was most likely purchased as an appreciating asset,
rather than on its artistic merit.
Which is a shame.
I always kind of liked Lichtenstein's work.
Especially the comic book paintings.
It was becoming apparent that my expenses would always find a way to outpace me.
So a few higher price scores, like this painting,
would mean more money with fewer robberies.
Higher risk, higher yield.
Or maybe I was just starting to like it.
Yeah, right.
No, I get to, chicken.
- I am not a chicken. - Hey, guys.
Can you calm down just a little bit? We're almost at Grandma and Grandpa's.
Ding dong!
Oh, my God.
- Wait... Hey. - Hey, hon.
Hey, honey.
Hey!
I hear it's someone's birthday tomorrow! You know anything about that?
- He's turning five! - Really?
We better go see if we can find some cake.
Look at that table right there.
There's presents.
Everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Just, you know, long car ride.
Come on, then.
- Dog? - Yeah.
Ah, hon.
It's good to have you home.
That's it!
Okay, activate those glutes. Squeeze at the top.
I wanna see it. Nice. Good.
Great class, everybody.
Don't forget to stretch. See you next week.
Ali?
Hey, Bruce.
What are you doing here?
Same as everyone else.
Just trying to turn my ass into a lethal weapon.
I'm not stalking you, if that's what you're worried about.
No, of course.
I've been staying with Andy.
He had a couple of visitor passes.
I hope that's not weird.
You look good.
Healthy.
You mean, not...
I guess the move's been good for me.
I've been spending more time with Andy.
I've actually been playing some gigs again.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
At the Tap?
It's mostly just drunk locals talking over my songs.
Heavy.
Hey, you're out there doing your thing,
playing music somewhere other than my lawn.
Damn. You went there.
Honestly, I kinda miss it.
I bet you do.
I bet your wife does too.
Or, I don't know, maybe I should come back and take requests.
Sorry, dad duty.
It's good to see you.
Maybe I'll swing by the Tap sometime.
Okay, cool.
See you in ass class.
What the fuck? See you in ass class?
Oh, my God, I misjudged you, my friend.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
This tourist has balls!
Yes! I love it!
So what happens now?
Give me a minute.
- What? - You look really nice.
That's 'cause you're taking me to dinner after this.
Okay, okay.
It'll take my people a few hours to authenticate.
But in the meantime,
I see you're dressed to celebrate.
So let's celebrate!
Hey!
Here we go!
- Thank you. - Of course!
Right on the table.
Maybe later.
I find you Ivy League types love the nose candy.
Yeah.
Hey, what about you, beautiful?
You in?
Sure.
What? We're celebrating, right?
I guess so!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
My goodness.
Yeah, good?
- Yes, indeed. - I think I need to dance.
Sorry.
Quite a place.
It's nice, huh?
I love to come here and chill.
Yeah! I love it!
Hey, so, you and the girl...
No, we keep it professional.
Okay.
That's probably for the best.
I mean, you're a very handsome man, but maybe too old for some rides, huh?
Whatever you say.
You want another bump?
Oh, no. I'm good.
Could always be better, though!
Yeah.
So good!
Yeah, I'm gonna go...
Dance.
Coop!
Hey, hey.
- Okay. - Looks like you needed a break.
Is it that obvious?
Maybe I just know you better than you think.
Yeah. Maybe.
Come on. Dance with me.
I'm not much of a dancer.
Well, a few weeks ago you weren't much of a thief.
Maybe you're a good dancer, you just don't know it yet.
Okay.
Hey. Okay.
See, you know some moves.
Yeah, I think that's pretty much the drugs talking.
Don't be sad, Coop.
- What are you talking about? I'm not sad. - You're always sad.
I see it.
Behind your eyes.
Hey, I'm gonna get another dr... drink.
Do you want anything else?
- I'm just gonna stick with my bubbles. - Okay. Yeah, I'll be right back.
Elena!
Hi.
I started to worry you'd...
you'd forgotten about me.
Course not. You're the whole reason we're here.
I suppose I am. Yeah.
But I'm thinking, that maybe you and I are also here for...
for a different reason.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- What's that? - Let me show you.
No, thank you.
Okay. Easy, chacho. Easy.
Hey, hey. Easy is for kids, guapa.
I prefer hard.
- Hey. Hey. - Hey.
Hey! Hey. Hey!
Everything okay here, guys?
Yeah, we're just having a private moment.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - I got it.
- Okay. - Asked and answered, old man.
I think, maybe we should all...
- Jesus Christ. - ...just go back upstairs.
Fuck.
- Fucking sucker. That hurt. - Goddamn it.
Okay.
Fuck you, old man.
Okay, let's just take a deep breath.
Hey!
Come on!
Stop squirming!
You're drowning me.
- Hold still. Don't rub it. - It hurts.
It's only gonna make it worse.
Is that better?
- Yeah. A little, I guess. I don't know. - What the fuck were you thinking?
You're welcome?
- I had him under control. - Well, it didn't look like that to me.
Do you know how many times I've had a guy press his dick up against me
in a place like that?
No, you don't, of course not. Because you're a man.
- Look, I was trying to help you. - Okay, do me a favor.
The next time you try to defend me,
how about you wait until after we get paid?
That's what you're mad at? Are you kidding me?
It's not that big a deal. We can steal something else--
I needed that money!
You know what?
You're just a rich guy who lost his money,
and now you think you're fucked, but you have no idea.
You've never gone hungry. Your kids will never go hungry.
You just want what they took from you because all you know how to be is rich.
- Elena-- - You have no idea what real struggle is.
The shit that you complain about?
Most people would...
They would kill for it.
- I'll make it up to you! - Yeah, you fucking better.
You're really just gonna leave me here?
- I really am. - Well, I forgive you.
For the mace.
Fuck you.
It was pepper spray.
Sam being away left me with a choice.
I could drink too much scotch, and fall asleep
watching The Criterion Collection in my house...
or I could go make some money in hers.
"This one's for special occasions."
Shit.
Come on, come on!
I know that breaking into your ex lover's house
is problematic on many levels...
All of them, really.
But when you've done some blow for the first time in over a decade,
drunk your weight in whiskey,
and been pepper sprayed all in the span of an hour,
it's safe to say that making good choices isn't really on the agenda.
All I knew was that Sam was out of town,
I was out 150 grand in change thanks to the painting snafu,
and Sam's French doors never locked properly.
God.
You remember this part.
There was a lot of blood on the floor,
and I'd taken a pretty nasty whack to the head,
so it took me a moment to realize that the dead guy next to me
was Paul Levitt, Sam's ex.
If there was ever a moment in all of this that I truly considered giving up,
this was it.
I was tired, tired in a way I'd never been before.
Tired in a way that makes you seriously consider just closing your eyes,
opening your mouth, and letting the water fill your lungs.
And if I'd known everything that was about to happen,
I think I probably would have done just that.
But the truth is,
and I think this has been made painfully clear,
I didn't know shit.
Nice one.
Thanks.
So, what did you get up to last night?
You know, not much.
How about you?
Same.
There you go.