Can't understand
Why we treat each other in this way
Taking up time
With the silly, silly games we play
We've got our love
And no matter how it's said or done
We are one
No matter what we do, we are one
Our love will see us through We are one
And that's the way it is, we are one
Ladies and gentlemen, Hampton University.
Welcome home, Ms. Wanda Sykes.
Please, please take a seat.
Thank you, Hampton. Thank y'all so much.
I love y'all. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thank you so much.
I'm home, y'all.
This is amazing. It's… It's good to be back.
You know, it's been a minute.
I'm sure y'all like me, campus has changed.
I can't find shit.
I'm like…
We didn't have all this when I was here.
I mean, the student center, the cafeteria is amazing.
You see these kids, they got all these options now. Yeah.
What the hell is that? Vegan, here's the gluten-free stuff.
They got… They… They… They even got a he, she, they.
We ain't had that when I was here.
We ain't had that option. We…
There was only one choice you had to make when I was here.
Gravy, baby?
That was it. That was it.
It was about the gravy.
And don't sleep. You better pay attention,
'cause when she go, "Gravy, baby?" if you distracted, you gonna get gravy.
You gonna… She gonna… "Mm."
Gravy, baby?
Oh, I guess I got gravy on my fruit cup.
I ain't see that coming.
So… Man, I… I feel like I can breathe a little bit being here.
You know, right?
I don't know about y'all,
but what the hell's going on out there now?
Boy, I feel like I've been stuck in the shittiest escape room ever.
I can't figure it out.
All the clues have been redacted.
I mean, what is this? What are we living, y'all?
I mean, the… the… the show Stranger Things ain't got shit on us.
'Cause at least that show has some logic to it.
You know what I'm saying? Like, they had The Upside Down world.
Shoot, you flip this bitch upside down,
it'll be raining racist grifters and pedophiles. It'd be like…
Girl, a billionaire just fell through my roof.
How we gonna get out of here?
There's nowhere…
We need Harriet Tubman to get us out this bitch.
This administration is so incompetent.
In the files, they released the names of the Epstein survivors.
Come on, man. Like, how do you screw up redacting?
That… That's just crossing shit out.
That… That's pre-K.
You know what I'm saying? Like, uh, when in doubt, cross it out.
Maybe they ran out of ink crossing all the Trumps out.
Maybe that was it, you know?
Oh yeah, you know he's in there. He's in there. He's…
What… We… We knew before the files were even released that he was in there.
We saw the pictures, him all chummy chummy with Epstein
and, you know, video of him at that party with Epstein. And he…
Biting his bottom lip.
When you bite your bottom lip, that's some lascivious shit right there.
You… You up to no good when you biting that bottom lip.
You're like, "Mm, I'm gonna fuck something up. Yeah, mm."
You see somebody walking towards you with they bottom lip like this, run.
Get out of there.
They mean you no good.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, y'all.
But I miss 2016 Trump.
Baby Trump seems cute now.
You know, we just had to humor him.
Yeah… "Oh, I'm gonna build a wall."
Oh, you gonna build a wall?
Yes, you are gonna build a wall.
You gonna build a big, beautiful wall, aren't you?
Uh-huh.
"And I'm gonna lock her up."
That's right. Lock her up.
Lock her up.
Lock her up. Lock…
That Trump was harmless 'cause we had the guardrails up on his crib.
You know.
This Trump, there is no supervision.
This man is off the rails.
You see he posted that shit about the Obamas?
He posted the Obamas as apes. What the hell, y'all?
I mean, even racists were like, "Now that's too far."
You're the president, show some decorum.
And there's no decorum anymore.
All these politicians just cursing. Everybody's cursing.
That's my job. I…
Chuck Schumer out there, "You fuck off!" I'm like, "Hey, hey."
Trump got them all cursin'.
You… You know it's bad
when… when the State of the Union is about to come on, you like,
"Oh, here come the president. Get them kids out the room."
"Get the kids out of the room."
We used to have standards, y'all.
There was a… There was a bar, a high bar, right?
Remember Howard Dean?
Howard Dean, yeah, yeah, Democratic candidate, right?
He ruined his career.
2004, he ruined his career.
It wasn't scandal. No, it wasn't a scandal.
It was over-exuberance.
Because he screamed weird.
He did well in the Iowa caucus, and he got a little too excited.
He's like, "And then we're gonna go all the way to the White House, yeah!"
And he did that, "Yeah!"
And everybody was like, "The fuck you yah-ing about?"
Ruined his career, over.
We went from, you can't "yeah" to this.
"I just grab 'em by the pussy. Mm."
This man is…
Y'all, Trump believes, because of the Civil Rights Act,
that white people have been treated unfairly.
He even got a 1-800 number.
This is true. So they can report their hardship
and file for reparations.
Can you believe that shit? What the hell?
I mean, what… what… what more do they want? Man, come on.
Okay, first you steal our music, now you want our justice too?
I don't want this 800 number shit.
My family's white.
They'd be reporting my ass every day.
I can see my son calling now.
"Yeah, this Black woman won't give me a PlayStation."
You better not be on that phone again.
Yeah, I… I have a white family. My… my… my wife is white.
Uh, well, she's… she's French.
She's French, but you know if shit goes down…
And we have twins, Olivia and Lucas. They're 16 now.
You know, they're… they're… they're white too, yeah.
Yeah.
Black excellence. You're looking at it right here.
Well, unfortunately, racism,
it is in this fabric of the country, right?
It's in… It's here, and it's…
Remember, it hasn't been that long
since, like, during the Civil Rights Movement, right?
And our people were out there marching peacefully.
And that… that… those people in that angry mob
who were yelling stuff and… and just evil stuff
and… and… and spitting on them,
some of them are still alive.
And they had kids.
And you know they indoctrinated those kids with that same hate.
Yeah. One image that really stuck out, uh, to me,
I was watching, uh, Eyes on the Prize,
and, uh, there was a… a… a little white boy
standing out there with a clarinet.
And he was playing "Dixie." And he was just out there…
Now, first of all, the clarinet is an evil instrument.
We can all agree.
Any parent who's been in the house
with a child learning an instrument,
you know it's hard.
But a clarinet,
that's… that's a whole 'nother level of tolerance right there.
Like…
But I think about that little boy because, you know, this little boy grew up.
And you know who I think he is today?
Lindsey Graham.
He had his pinkies up when he was playing too.
This is just an ugly administration, man.
You… Y'all see Pam Bondi testifying in front of Congress?
I should say testi-lying in front of Congress?
Just, I mean, she was just ugly.
Just, I mean… just… You… You know what? Here's the thing.
I never wanna hear the phrase "angry Black woman" ever again.
Don't… just… uh-uh.
Nope.
Nah.
Not accepting that.
I mean, Bondi,
Noem, Leavitt. Phew.
These are white women on steroids.
You know what I'm saying? I'd be like, they… they put Karens to shame.
Karens like, "Oh shit, here they come. Go, move."
Karens be doing shit like,
"Um, you know, I called the cops on this Black man."
"He was napping."
That ain't nothin' what… what they doing.
Noem is like, "I sent a Puerto Rican to the Congo."
It rough, man.
But here's the thing, like, women, just, like, imagine,
like, if… if we all got on the same page and worked together,
we could run everything.
We could.
But, I mean… but we know that's impossible.
'Cause the only time you see white women working together
is in synchronized swimming.
They in sync in that pool, boy. They…
Well, Black women, you know, we check each other, right?
And if one of us gets out of line, pfft, we just write you off.
You done. Right?
Nicki Mi-who?
I don't… I don't know her.
Everybody's like, "Well, Wanda, we have to make it to the midterms."
I'm like, "You really think we're gonna survive to the midterms?"
Not with RFK Jr. as our secretary of health.
This non-vaccine mug, what the hell?
I mean, come on, man.
He got old diseases coming back.
Shit that we already cured is back.
Measles is back.
In a… In a few more months,
we going to be sounding like an old western or something.
"Hey, Wanda, what happened to your sister?"
"Oh, she died of consumption."
Shoot.
What…
Shit.
Look, soon as I heard that he was the nominee, I didn't hesitate.
I ran down to the CVS.
I was like, "Okay, uh, I'm gonna need like three shingles."
"Uh, give me two COVID shots."
"Uh, what else you got back there? You got any tetracycline back there?"
"Give me some of that."
I knew where this shit was heading.
This man stays in office any longer, boy, you gonna go to the pharmacy,
and behind the counter, it's just going to be mason jars with shit in it.
Just labels, and…
You walk in there, your eye's just oozing and shit.
You like, "Uh, I don't know what's going on with my eye."
The pharmacist be like, "Oh, wait, wait, hold on."
"One sec, one sec, one sec."
"Ah. Ah, yeah."
Messed up. I'm telling you.
The germs and the… the plague or whatever don't get us,
now we got to worry about ICE. Yeah.
Yeah. ICE is out here now.
Now, here's the thing.
They're… They're… They're supposed to be going after violent criminals, right?
That's… That's what they said. They're gonna get violent criminals
who aren't supposed to be here, get them off the streets.
Now, I'm like, okay, I'm… I'm down with that.
But here's the thing.
I… I want all violent criminals off the street.
If somebody came up to me and just started stabbing me,
I'm not gonna be like… "Ah."
"Ooh."
"Wait… Wait a minute."
"Where you from?"
"You stab like a Guatemalan."
They're supposed to be looking for violent criminals, right?
So what… where… where are they looking, huh?
They're going to restaurants in the kitchen.
'Cause, you know, violent criminals, they make a great sous-chef.
ICE is staking out at the… at the courthouse,
you know, catching people coming out their hearings.
'Cause you know violent criminals, they show up for them cases. They…
That paperwork is in order.
They're going out, hiding out at the… at the Home Depots.
That's where they're searching. Yeah, ICE is in front at the Home Depot.
'Cause we all know violent criminals, they love a good DIY project.
Get the hell out of here.
Fake-ass ICE agents.
They ain't nothing but pardoned January 6th insurrectionists.
That's who they are.
Fake-ass agents.
Went down to the surplus store and bought them little tight-ass vests.
How… How the fuck you hopping out a Ford Focus
to go capture somebody?
But they're supposed to be protecting us.
But they're killing Americans is what they're doing.
Killing Americans.
Minnesota, Alex Pretti.
That man, unarmed, a… a VA nurse, killed him,
executed him right there.
Renee Good, a mother.
Yeah, in her car.
Executed her in her car.
And… And then called her a "fucking bitch" afterwards.
That's what the agent called her right in front of her wife.
Yeah. Yeah.
So lesbians, you know what we gotta do.
We gotta call Subaru and be like, "Hey."
Uh…
"Let me ask y'all something."
"Can you make an armored Outback?"
They going off in these streets, man.
But we out there, man. People, we… we… we out there protesting.
Okay, when… when I say "we," I mean white people.
White people are out there protesting.
I ain't taking my Black ass out there. No.
We ain't doing that.
We read Project 2025.
We knew what was up.
They want us out there so they can escalate shit. Mm-mm, no.
White people, this is on you.
This… This is a… This is a you thing right here.
This… We ain't going out there.
You know what's funny? We didn't even have a meeting about it.
There… There wasn't no text chain or nothin'. We…
You just felt it, right?
I mean, every time I think about going to protest,
it's like I hear from my ancestors. "Sit your Black ass down."
I'm like, "Okay."
White folks, if you want us out there,
you get… you gotta show us that you… you really mean this.
Like, ten toes down.
You gotta, you know… You… You gotta do some shit like we do.
You, you know… Tear up something that you love. You know?
If I see a Wegmans on fire…
You firebomb a Supercuts…
But until then, we gonna be… we gonna be right behind you.
Okay, not… not physically behind you. We gonna… We gonna like your posts.
We gonna be online. I'm gonna like all your posts.
I might even comment…
heart, you know, strong arm, you know.
People of my generation, white folks, y'all… y'all been out there.
You've done it before. You… You've been protesting before.
Yeah, but it… but it's the younger people I worry about.
Y'all… Y'all gotta train.
Like, you gotta be ready for that pepper spray.
So I want you to just put hot sauce on everything. Just hot sauce.
In the morning when you brush your teeth,
just… just shoot yourself in the face with your Waterpik. Just…
Fuck it, walk through a car wash. Mm-mm, you know.
But, you know, I think we're here because…
we're in this situation because the Republicans did a better job
connecting with the working-class people. They did.
Yeah, the Dems, oh my God.
You was just… just listening to them like,
"Oh, I don't understand. How did we lose the uneducated vote?"
Like, well, maybe if you stop calling them uneducated,
that could help.
That's why whoever runs next,
I want them to… to be able to connect with everyone.
They… They gotta be like one generation from… from being broke.
I want them to know about being broke, you know?
Here's… Here's the prerequisite.
If you don't have the Western Union app on your phone, you can't run.
Oh, here's another thing.
If you drive a Cybertruck, you're a dick.
And we all think you're a dick.
It's greed, man. It's greed.
These some greedy people, boy. Greed.
And… And because of greed,
we're all cashiers now.
How did that happen?
See, they're going through, and they… they cut out working-class jobs.
And they make us do it. Yeah.
We're… And how did they… how did they slow-walk us into that one?
I… I remember like maybe 15, 20 years ago, you… you went to your store,
and there was a little kiosk, a little self-checkout kiosk.
And our curious asses were like, "Ooh, I'mma go play cashier."
'Cause a cashier was a real job with benefits. You in… in there, boop.
Like, "Ooh, I did it." Now you're doing it. That's your job.
You can't find real people now.
Yeah, it's all self-checkout. You know what really annoys me?
When there's a line at the self-checkout.
I'm like, "I am waiting in line to work here for free."
What in the hell is this?
Then they got you snitching on yourselves.
"How many bags did you use?"
"Two." What the fuck?
We should be stealing is what we should do.
'Cause they… That's what they doing. They making you steal.
So they got to bring the real people back.
And it's not stealing. You work there.
You're not taking some entry-level position.
Be the store manager. I have sales all the time.
"Store manager sale."
It's a…
"Buy one, get one free."
Boop.
They taking all the jobs, man.
All the working-class jobs, right?
Like even delivery, uh, services now.
Now in LA, we have these little carts.
You've seen the… Yeah. The… the little…
It's like a little shopping cart.
And it's… It's a little robot, and you order stuff.
And they put it in the cart and they send it to your house.
I'm like, "Don't… Don't send that shit to my house."
"I want a real person."
You know, I almost killed myself the first time I saw the cart
'cause I didn't know what it was and it was heading into traffic.
And I was like, "Oh Lord, the baby stroller." Then I'm like…
Only time I would use that,
if you could, like… Something useful. Like you could order up an ass-whooping.
I'd do that.
Wouldn't that be cool? You could send somebody an ass-whooping.
You open it, open your door,
motherfucker jump out and just slap the shit out of you. They'd be like…
"Brenda says hi."
They climb back in the cart. Mm.
Oh, I'd be ordering ass-whoopings all the time.
I'd be there, "Mm, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
You know what kills me is, like, when greed is… is masked,
uh, as, uh, benevolence, you know?
Like, you… you go to a store, and they ask you that question,
"Would you like to round up and donate to our charity?"
The nerve.
You want me to give you more money for cha--?
I'll take a note of the charity, and I'll donate myself.
How about that? I'll donate it myself and get the tax write-off.
I mean, 'cause… And if… And if you want to be so charitable,
why… why don't you ask me if… if I want to round down?
Hotels do it.
Yeah, hotels do it.
"Hey, you know, we're thinking about the planet. Why don't you reuse?"
"Hang that towel back up."
You know, "We don't… We don't change the sheets every night."
"You have to request that 'cause we're thinking about the planet."
Like, no you're not. You're thinking about your water bill and employees.
That's what you're thinking about.
'Cause if you want to encourage people being green,
you will give me a little green discount,
a little… a little… a little something off of my room, right?
'Cause I'm green. I'm green at home.
At home, I sleep in my same sheets
until the fitted sheet flies off the bed, you know?
The fitted sheet just gets so tired and worn out.
It just… Oh, it just… The rubber just gives away.
Just like, "Oh boy, shit."
You go get into bed, pull the covers back, you're like, "Where my fitted sheet at?"
"Oh, it's at the foot of the bed. I'll be damned."
I'll use the same towel at home, you know?
I'm in there, like, with the towel, like, "Ow, shit. Did I… Did I break my skin?"
Towel feeling like a loofah. You're like, "Oh boy."
"Am I bleeding? What the hell?"
But if I'm paying full price for a hotel room, I'm using all that shit.
I'm in there, towel for my right titty.
Towel for my left titty.
Ass towel, ass towel, ass towel, ass towel.
Then I call downstairs, "I need some more towels."
"My cooch is still a little damp."
"And change my bed."
I was in a… a hotel in New Orleans,
and this, uh… the… the housekeeper came to change my bed, right?
Service my room.
So I… I opened the door, and it was a young girl,
but she… she was sweating, just, like… just profusely, just sweating.
And I'm looking at her, and I'm like, "Mm, I don't think I got a vaccine for this."
"I don't know what she got."
And I couldn't let her in my room,
you know… you… you know, all that sweat dripping.
And I… And I just pictured her changing my bed,
fighting with that pillowcase. You know…
You know, just sweat flying.
So I had to think fast. I was like, you know what?
I'm gonna grab my… my towels and my… my… my linen,
and I'm… I'mma do it myself, okay?
So I went to the car and got my shit, and as I'm walking back,
she's like, "Ms. Sykes, are you sure?" I was like, "Yeah, girl, I got this."
"I was a cashier yesterday."
It's greed.
You know, like, recording artists,
they… they don't make money selling records anymore.
No, uh-uh, that's why they have to tour.
Because the… the downloads and the streams,
they get like a fraction of a penny.
So that's why we, you know, got all these great shows out here,
because you gotta, you know… they gotta make their money touring.
And, you know, it's… it's good for us, but then again, not so good.
Yeah, I… I can't tell you how many of my friends
went to that New Edition concert
and acted a fool thinking they could still do them steps.
They out there.
And the next day you see them, they in a boot.
Girl, I tore myself up at that damn New Edition concert.
Oh boy. Oh boy, I thought I had it. I ain't got it… I ain't got it no more.
Whew.
I'm doing too much physical shit, shit.
The fuck I write these jokes for, good Lord.
It's time we do some sit-down comedy.
We in our sixties, man. I don't know about y'all, but sixties hit different.
Like, first of all, where's all this gas coming from? What the hell?
Just gassy for no reason.
Just… Gas just come anywhere. Just…
And… And… And you gotta focus on not farting in public. You do.
If you… If you let your mind relax…
They just fly out, just…
Just…
I'm like, where's all this gas coming from?
It don't make no sense.
Like, one of my friends, she's a CEO of a big company.
She was like, "Girl, I was in a meeting, and… and I stood up,
and… and gas, I passed gas."
"Just…"
I was like, "Well… Well, what did you do?" She said, "I said, 'Meeting's adjourned.'"
I was like, "I bet it was. Yeah."
I said, "Now you gotta end all your meetings like that."
That's… You gotta just stay with it.
I'm telling you, boy, you know, when you younger,
you gotta work on that Kegel muscle.
You gotta do those Kegel exercises.
When you get older, mm, that sphincter,
you gotta… mm, mm, 'cause… 'cause they just…
…boy.
You don't know it until, like, if you… unless you talking to somebody.
And you see it on their face 'cause you're talking,
and you're like, "Yeah, girl." And all of a sudden, they do this.
And step back.
When they step back, yeah, you passed gas.
You did. You… Just own it.
Just like, "Yeah, that was… that was me, yeah."
"That was me."
"Meeting's adjourned. Meeting's adjourned." Just…
Sleeping is hard now.
I don't know why I… I can't fall asleep. It's hard to fall asleep.
I'm… I'm on a group text
with… with, uh, like, four other Hamptonians in… in my class,
and, man, it… …at like, 2:30 in the morning,
somebody'll text, um…
"Do y'all marinate your lamb chops…
…or rub them?"
And I'm like, "Oh, I prefer to do a rub myself."
It's 2:30 in the morning!
And when I wanna stay awake, I fall asleep.
Every time I go to the movies,
I sit there, and I'm like, "Well, here's a $42 nap."
Out.
Everybody's like, "Ooh, I saw Sinners three times
just so I could understand all the symbolism."
I was like, "I saw it four times just so I could see it." It took me…
I'm in there… …out.
I was at home watching something,
and… and I was trying to stay awake, but I couldn't.
I kept falling asleep, so I changed chairs.
I said, "You know, I'm gonna get this dining room chair."
"I ain't gonna fall asleep in this."
Five minutes in…
And… And the way my head fell in that straight-backed chair,
I… I cut my air off, so I was like…
And my brain was like, "Wake up, wake up!"
"We can't breathe. Wake up. You're killing us."
And I was like, "I can't. I'm in such a deep sleep, I can't."
I had to throw myself off the chair.
I almost killed myself.
Trying to eat better, you know, trying to do that, you know.
But, uh, Esther's… Esther's not having it.
Uh, for… for… for those of you who don't know,
this… this fat roll here popped up when I was 40,
and she's staying around. She's…
Esther is not going anywhere.
Esther loves bread, alcohol, and cheesecake.
That's her favorite.
Mm, give me some cheesecake.
Esther's… Esther's been a little down lately, though.
She's been a little depressed, you know.
'Cause yeah, she… Every time that…
Every time that… that Ozempic commercial comes on,
she… I hear her…
I'm like, "Esther, what's wrong with you?" She goes…
"All my friends are gone."
No, I'm the only one in my family who uses a washcloth.
Now…
I don't know if it's a French thing
or a white thing or just a nasty thing.
I don't know what it is.
I remember the first time Alex came to visit me,
you know, I put the… the… the towels out.
Bath towel, hand towel, washcloth.
It's a set.
And after a couple of days, I… I noticed the washcloth was fresh.
So I was like, "Hey, Alex, babe,
did you… you see I got a washcloth here for you?"
And she was like… "Oh, non, merci."
"You know, we… we don't use those things."
"We, uh… I don't know."
"We just… It's… It's just not the thing we do. Non, merci."
I'm like, "Well, what… what do you do?"
She's like, "Oh, you know, just, uh, put a little savon."
"Uh, you know, dans ta main, comme ça. You just, you know…"
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Et voilà."
I'm like, "All right, well, you know, it works. So, okay, all right, cool."
So then it was my turn to go meet her family, right?
So we… we fly to Paris, and we're staying at her… at her mom's.
So I get there, long flight.
I say, "Hey, babe, I want to jump in the shower, you know, freshen up."
"Can I get a washcloth, please?" And she's like, "Mon cœur, non."
"I told you, no. We… We don't, uh…"
"We don't have those."
"We… We don't, uh, use those things, no."
I'm like, "You sure? Did you ask your mother?"
"I told…"
"Maman,
uh, est-ce que tu as une petite serviette comme ça pour Wanda?"
"Non? Non, non, non, non. Non."
"Elle dit non, je dis non, non."
"Mon cœur, just…"
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Allez."
I'm like… Get in the shower, I'm like, "This is some bullshit."
"This is what this is."
I get in the shower, and I'm like…
Doo-doo-doo…
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo…
Maybe I should wash that again.
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo…
Let me really get in there.
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-ooh!
Voilà.
I'm throwing away all my washcloths.
But you know what I noticed is that, um, my skin didn't get dry.
You know, it was like I… I… I didn't need lotion.
I guess when you use a washcloth,
you're wiping off all your natural oils, right?
So I'm like, okay, this… this… this works.
So I was over there for a couple of weeks,
and then… then I get back here, and I get home.
And I jump in the shower, and I grab my washcloth.
And I'm in there, washcloth, you know. All… All of that.
I looked at that washcloth.
It looked like I had Armor All'd my tires.
I was like, "You's a dirty ho."
Right.
I knew Alex was ready to take our relationship to the next level
because, uh, she wanted to get a dog, right?
But she wanted to make sure that her dog would get along with my dog
because my dog, Riley, man,
I had him for almost 18 years, a border terrier.
He was the best dog, my God, man. I would… I would take him everywhere.
You know, I even went online
and got him one of those bullshit service animal vests…
…so he could, you know, be outside his bag and fly everywhere. But you know what?
I would put that vest on him,
and that fool would, like, act right. He'd like…
'Cause you seen animals at the airport.
You know damn well they ain't no service animal.
Service animals don't take a dump in the middle of terminal two.
So I take my guy, Riley, to meet this little dog she was getting.
So we get there, and they… they bring out this little Chihuahua puppy.
He had big-ass ears. He was about this big.
And Riley looked at that dog, he was like, "Is that a dog?"
I was like, "Yeah, man."
And this Chihuahua, he knew he wanted to get out of there and go home with Alex
because he bent down and picked up Riley's leash
and started walking Riley around.
Yeah, we were all like, "Aww."
Riley was like, "Really?"
"Is this what we doing?"
"You gonna make me this little rat's bitch?"
"Is that what we doing?"
"Is the pussy that good?"
I was like, "You gonna have to take one for the team, man."
"It's hand-washed."
Delicate.
So we got the dogs,
and… and it was time for the kids, you know?
So we talked about, you know, parenting and… and all of that,
you know, before the… before we had the kids,
and big thing that came up, Alex was like…
…"Babe, so look, um…"
"I… I don't want to spank the kids, okay?"
"'Cause, you know, I… I don't think we should spank."
"It's just not good. So I hope you agree."
"'Cause, you know, I know of your Black-ground."
I was like, "Excuse me, my what? My…"
"What?"
"What the fuck you say? My Black-ground?"
I was like, "Not a word. Uh-uh, no."
"I… I… I get what you're trying to say though."
"Like culturally, African-Americans,
yeah, we… we… we spank the kids,
but mm-mm, we not gonna coin that Black-ground. Mm-mm."
So we said we weren't gonna spank. And I… I agree with her. I'm like, "Okay."
And then Lucas turned three.
That boy lost his mind.
Everything was like, "No, no, no. No."
He was like acting up at pre-K, and he bit his sister.
And one day just I had enough, you know? I was like, "Lucas, stop. Stop."
He's like, "No, no, no."
So I grabbed his little ass. I was like…
You know, I had to do it on a couple of occasions too.
Yeah, I was like, shit, I'd rather spank you at three
than thrust kick you in your neck at 16.
I don't wanna be here "I am Sparta" on your ass.
Olivia, never had to spank her. Never had to spank her. Yeah.
Now, I… I don't condone spanking, I don't.
But I will say this, today, Lucas is the better kid.
That boy listens.
And that's the thing as parents is that you gotta let them be, you know, right?
Yeah, you gotta let them be. And each kid, they're individuals.
You gotta figure out what works for them. It's not a one-size-fits-all.
You know, and you don't… you don't wanna… You don't wanna crush their joy.
And I… I had a hard time with that.
Because, uh… …like, Lucas, he was outside, um,
getting rid of the… the… the packaging that the dog food comes in.
That… That was… That was his thing. He liked doing that.
Because the packaging, it would, um… You put water on it, and it dissolves.
So he loved taking care of that. So one day he was out there,
and he threw the stuff in the garden. He was watering it.
And he goes, "Oh boy, this is so satisfying."
Exactly, I wanted to laugh, and… and I wanted to tell him,
"Hey, man, don't say that out loud. You sound weird."
"People gonna… People gonna laugh at you. You don't… Don't… You can't say that."
But I told myself, Wanda, let the boy be.
Just leave him alone. That's his thing, leave him alone.
But it made me laugh though,
because I pictured myself saying that in front of my mother.
You know, if I was a kid out there doing that,
and been like, "Oh boy, this is so satisfying,"
my mother would've made sure that I never got to do that again.
She would've been, "You give me this and you get your butt in the house,
Miss Satisfied."
"It ain't supposed to be satisfying."
"Wait till I tell your father, you out here being satisfied."
That've been my new nickname. Hey, y'all, here come Miss Satisfied.
Olivia's thing, she… she would go in and out of a British accent.
Yeah, that was her thing.
And… and it was jarring because you didn't know when it was…
when it was coming, you know?
Like, and she… I'd say, "Oh, hey, Olivia, how was school?"
"Oh, it was pretty good."
"All right, cool. You got a lot of homework?"
"No, not too much, but I do have…
…a bit of mathematics."
What the hell is wrong with her?
She would do it so often that I googled it.
I was like, "American white kids, British accent."
I got some results.
It said maybe 'cause they watched Peppa Pig.
And I was like, "Nope. They watched it in French,
so that ain't it."
And the next one I thought was really interesting.
They say it's actually a… a soothing technique.
Yeah, it's… it's a stress reliever
for American kids to speak in a British accent.
Yeah, yeah. I was like, "Well, that makes sense
because the Brits got healthcare and gun control."
Yeah, our kids over here doing active shooter drills.
What the hell, you know?
Yeah, and to all the educators out there and future educators, God bless y'all.
I love you and thank you.
God bless you and what you're doing.
Because it… it's wrong. It's wrong.
We shouldn't be putting our kids and our teachers through this shit.
We should… Right? It… And it's traumatizing.
Lucas came home one day, and he's like, "So we had a drill today."
I was like, "Yeah, man, I know, I got the text."
He's like, "So now they're telling us, like, um,
to… to… to just lay down and play dead."
He's like, "Yeah, so, what, the shooter comes in,
hasn't fired one bullet, but we're all dead?"
And he was making this face like, "What the fuck, Mom?" Like…
And it broke my heart.
I was like, "Lucas, I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
"You…You shouldn't have to go through this."
"You… You know what? Some dog food came today, here."
"You go ahead out there and satisfy yourself."
"Where… Where's your sister? Is Olivia home?"
"Hey, Olivia, honey, would you like…
…a spot of tea?"
You wanna protect your kids, man, you do.
I… You know, I… I think about, you know, uh, like,
uh, you know, Olivia, you know, and… and… and I worry about her
because how women's healthcare is just under attack, right?
I mean, all these bans… these abortion bans out here,
all you're doing is killing women.
It's about controlling women. That's what it is.
They are just… It is about controlling our bodies.
That's what they want.
If they were really concerned about unwanted pregnancies,
then they should be able to pass some laws
where they could actively participate in…
participate in curbing the issue, right, curbing the problem.
Like, why don't they pass a law like, um, when a boy goes through puberty,
he has to have a vasectomy, right?
Fellas, just to show some accountability,
I think all guys… y'all should get your penis chipped and registered.
So we can keep an eye on these dicks.
I even want an app, Find My Dick.
Guys, some of y'all are just too fertile… too fertile, yeah.
So I think we should take you down to… to one ball. One ball.
You don't need both of them. Two balls, that's overkill.
So we're gonna take one ball,
and to keep your balance, we'll replace it with a squeaky toy.
That'd be fun.
Oh, your dog will be so excited when you come home.
Lord.
So Alex and I, we've been together almost 20 years.
Yeah, we've been together almost 20 years.
Like all relationships, there's… there's some ups and downs,
and… but I… I don't really think she was aware of the down, you know?
'Cause it was… it was my issue. It was my issue.
I was having this problem
'cause I thought she was trying to put gender roles on us.
You know, like… like, making me feel like the… the man or something.
This is what she was doing.
She would say stuff like… …"Um, you know, babe,
you… you haven't given me a kiss today."
"No bisou pour moi?"
And… And I was like, "Oh, yeah, baby, sure."
And then I thought about it, I'm like, wait a minute. You got lips.
The hell I gotta initiate? If you want a kiss, just kiss. I'll kiss you back.
Or she'll go… …"Babe, um,
you haven't told me you love me today."
"Non je t'aime mon cœur, non?"
I'm like, well, if you need to hear it, I mean, you know I love you, just say it.
I'll say it back, you know?
Or… Or I'm at work, you know, and I'm filming all day.
And yeah, it's… it's… it's been a long day, right?
And I haven't checked in or anything,
and I'll… I'll just get a text message from her.
And it's just a row of question marks.
Ooh, that irked me. I'm like, what the hell is this?
What… What… What is this?
So I would just send her back this emoji.
And it was really bugging me.
Like, what is… What the hell, man? I didn't sign up for this shit.
What… Why does she need me to do this, need me to do that?
And then it hit me, it was like, oh. Oh, okay.
I'm in a relationship.
I get it.
Yeah, I'm in a relationship.
And in order for a relationship to function,
one of you has to be needy.
Yeah. And if you're not laughing, you're the needy one.
You hear that?
You're welcome, non-needy people.
But it's good, needy people. We need you.
We need you to be needy so we can participate in a relationship.
Now, I know what I need to do.
So yeah, I… I, you know… Oh yes, I check in with her.
I tell her I love her.
'Cause… Yeah, 'cause that's what she needs.
And it's… it's fine because that's… you know,
that's what makes a relationship.
Like, I couldn't be in a relationship with another me.
It would be like not being in a relationship.
I'm not checking in with me. I don't give a fuck where I am.
I don't need to talk to me all the time. That would get on my nerves.
I'd be like, "Hey, look, let's just go, no news is good news, all right?"
But now that I know, you know, what she needs,
it's like, okay, cool, I get it.
You know, I check in. I even share my location with her.
Okay, that was by accident. I'mma be honest with you.
That was not intentional.
I was putting the phones up, you know, for the kids,
and I did the family thing.
I was like, uh-oh, but… And now I… I can't turn it off.
It'll look suspicious.
Although I don't care… I don't care if she knows my whereabouts.
I don't. It's not like I'm doing anything.
I don't cheat.
No, 'cause one, I'm too lazy to cheat.
Yeah, I'm… I'm not trying to learn another birthday.
Pretend to listen to another conversation.
"Oh, really? Mm."
Only time it's in my mind about her, uh, knowing my whereabouts
is when I'm at a casino.
'Cause she hates when I'm in a casino.
She's like… …"Babe, I don't like for you to, you know…"
"…be in the casino. It's just not healthy for you."
"You know, you… you don't go to sleep."
"You stay up all night, and, you know, you… you drink too much."
"It's just not good for you, you know?"
Oh, by the way, Alex doesn't smoke. This is just how I see her. This is just…
But she's right. She's right. I'm horrible in a casino.
Oh man, I light up when I go into a casino, man.
I… I… I'm like them kids in that movie Weapons in a casino.
I just see it. I'm just…
I love a casino, man.
I like casinos so much
that, um, I volunteered to take my friend to the airport
because there was a casino like ten minutes away.
Yeah, I'm like, "Oh yeah, I got you girl. I got you"
So I dropped my friend off.
I was like, mm, let me stop off at the casino.
A couple of hours, in the middle of the… of the day, no harm, no foul.
So I pull up, and, uh… and I get my phone out of the cup holder.
And then I look at my phone. I went, "Oh shit, she knows, right?"
So I…
Close the door, get the hell out of there. I was like, "She knows."
And I was frustrated. I was like, damn, you know?
And I thought about it.
I was like, "You know what, Wanda? I mean, come on, think about it."
"You… You… You're blessed. You got someone who loves you
and who's looking out for you."
"You know, don't… don't be like this. Yeah."
And that's… And that's what we gotta do.
We gotta look out for each other.
And so on the way home, I drove by my church…
…and I threw my phone in the Bible study and went back to the casino.
You know what, y'all?
This… This has just been amazing.
And I think about, you know, 40 years ago,
and I was sitting out there watching performances up here.
And now I'm standing up here.
God is amazing.
Thank y'all so much, Hampton. I love you.
God bless you.
We are one
Woo! e one