Uh, hello, everyone.
I'm Ivo, and I'm a sexist.
I'm Greg, and I'm also a sexist.
I'm Mike, and apparently, I too am a sexist.
I'm Danny, and I--
Fuck. Sorry, I can't.
-Man, I don't want to do it. -Really?
See you at the bar.
Sorry, I…
Give him time, okay? You're still here. That's what matters.
Change is why every one of you is here right now.
You're ready to throw off your shield of toxic masculinity.
And you know what?
I'm here to help you do it.
These times call for a… new man.
A NEW TIME A NEW MAN
How the hell did we get ourselves into this?
3 MONTHS EARLIER
♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
♪ Look at 'em sway with it Gettin' so gay with it ♪
♪ Shoutin' ole with it, wow ♪
-♪ Uh! ♪ -♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
-♪ Mama loves mambo ♪ -♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
♪ Papa does great with it… ♪
Hey. Good mornin', everybody.
♪ He loses weight with it now ♪
Joost, what's up?
-Mike. -So, to what do I owe the honor?
-Um, I wanted to talk to you. -Course.
What's this? A new format?
A NEW TIME, A NEW MAN
It's from a seminar I attended this past weekend.
Very, very, very interesting.
Yeah, right. Is that what you told your wife?
-It really got me thinking. -Huh.
Any good boss realizes when it's the time… to step down.
I'm honored, Joost. Am I ready for this? Yeah.
I want you to meet someone.
Nicole!
-Mike. Mike, Nicole. -It's really great to meet you, Mike.
-Yeah, hi. -Nicole is our new Head of Content.
Mm.
I'm sorry, but if it's my team, shouldn't I be putting it together?
-No offense. -I'm still the director here.
I… I don't get it.
It's time for new leadership, a more… more feminine vision.
Could you give us a second alone, Nicole?
Just real quick.
Am I fired?
Mike, the board asked for this.
They say we need a woman in management.
Besides, after that fiasco that was Fuck Island,
we're on thin ice around here.
So they can give her your position. You're also responsible for Fuck Island.
No, no. I always had my doubts about it.
Joost…
I just bought a new house, man.
The mortgage on that is…
I'll get you a fair severance deal.
Trust me. We're friends.
I'm not gonna leave you dry.
Oh, um, uh… Mike, here.
Take this.
It's a real eye-opener.
Yeah, I'll take it.
Know what else I'm taking, Joost?
My talent.
And… I'll take
the flip chart 'cause I paid for it.
Yup, that's right. Good luck.
See how fast this ship sinks without me.
♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
♪ Uh! ♪
♪ Papa loves mambo ♪
♪ Mambo, Papa ♪
♪ Mama loves mambo ♪
♪ Mambo, Mama ♪
♪ Don't let her rumba And don't let her samba ♪
♪ Papa ♪
♪ Loves the mambo tonight ♪
♪ Uh! ♪
Yeah, there's someone in my house.
-What do you mean, exactly? Like…? -Uh…
A burglar or maybe a homeless person.
In the bathroom.
I, um… um… to get rid of fingerprints? I don't know. I'm--
Hey, Pop.
Tess!
-What are you doin' here? -Wow, Dad. You could be a little excited.
You know, some dads go to court to see their kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. But what does Mom think of this?
That doesn't matter. She's killing me.
Look, Tess. You're 16. That's, uh, normal.
I'm moving in with you. You're chill.
-Is that my shirt? -Yeah, I borrowed it.
Why leave the shower running? It's such a waste of water.
Uh… uh…
Look at this!
Yeah, but it takes forever to get it warm, so…
Yeah.
-Hello? Ief, open the door! -Oh fuck.
-Fuck! Find my iPhone is still turned on. -Ief!
Ief, open up!
Hey, Dé. Uh, no worries, okay? Tess is here.
Why didn't you call me?
For all I knew, she was lying in a ditch somewhere!
That girl has gone completely insane!
Look, she's fine. Just calm down.
-Mom, leave me alone! I live here now! -What?
What are you trying to do, kill me?
Sorry! Sorry. So, the housekeeper, she moved the flowers there.
-When did you get a housekeeper? -Uh… about a month ago.
Ief, you are pitiful!
Okay, look, just send her down. I'm taking her home!
Dé, calm down.
Can't we talk about this like civilized adults?
Whoa!
-That woman's nuts. -Yeah, duh!
Mom, I'm 16! I'm old enough to choose where I live!
I'll call you.
-Not. -No, Tess!
Ief, let me up!
Ief!
Open this door!
Seventeen minutes and 20 seconds.
Bathed and in bed.
New record. Thank you, good night.
Dad?
Dad!
Hey, time for bed!
Poppa. Poppa.
Poppa.
Uh…
What's this? Aren't you cold?
-No, I'm really hot. -Uh…
It's not expensive. Don't be afraid to trash it.
Yeah, but I'm pretty wiped. I had street detail all day.
-Oh, poor you. Did you have a hard day? -Mm-hmm.
Just lay back and relax.
Okay.
What do you think of this?
Hmm?
Greg?
Oh yeah. So good. It's… Huh?
Seriously?
But… Hey…
This… this is normal.
I… I'm on my feet all day.
-With a heel spur… -No, this isn't normal, Greg. We're 40.
How long has it been since we last had sex?
-Three weeks? I don't know. -Five.
-Five weeks? There's no way. -Five months, Greg.
-Five months! -Shush. The kids.
-God. -Five?
Our sex life is over. Yeah, completely over.
Hey, you're putting pressure on it. Let it be spontaneous.
-No. You don't find me sexy. -That is not true.
Okay, then why not prove it? I'm always the one to take the initiative.
I mean, if you really want to be spontaneous, then show it.
Act on it.
Uh… uh…
-What are you doing? -I'm putting my pajamas on.
Because this itches.
I'll just buy something else.
What are you doin'?
I said I was going to yoga.
So I can't come home without sore muscles.
-Hey, Tien. -Hmm?
Check this out.
Daan, I'm married already, you know?
It's not for you. It's for Pam.
Ugh.
I'm gonna propose.
I didn't think that I ever would, but…
I'm actually excited when I think about spending the rest of my life with her.
'Bout time. You're not a young man anymore.
It's a good thing married people live longer.
Bullshit.
It just feels longer.
And if you're so happy with Pam, what are you doing with me, then?
This is completely different. It's just physical.
Plus, you start over when you get married. Clean slate.
-Yeah, right. -Yeah.
But you're right.
It's time we stopped.
Mm. It's for the best.
I hope you're okay with it.
Well, by now, I'm able to predict when you're going to cum,
so there's not really anything left of this affair.
Ugh.
-Hey. -Hi.
Hey, uh, when are you goin' home?
I'm not. I live here.
Honey, you're gonna miss your mom. Just trust me, okay?
You're the only one who misses her. And why is that?
-What Mom and I had was very special. -Sure, Dad.
Your love was a special sauce.
Good but unhealthy. Move on.
Isn't that what I'm doing?
You're stalling.
It's time for you to get out there and try something new. Tinder.
Ta-da.
No.
Yeah, okay, the picture's kinda lame, but you already have ten matches.
And if you're not too picky, they're pretty hot.
-Tess, that's not nice. -What? Why not?
-Well, it's sexist. -So only men are allowed to say it?
I am perfectly happy being single.
Not every man is out here looking for meaningless sex.
Mm, well, your browser history is telling a different story.
-"MILFs with big tits." -Tess.
Come on, Dad.
"On average, men need to have ten new partners
in order to forget an old lover."
-Oh, where'd you get that from? Cosmo? -No, Tinder researchers.
Ah, that's super reliable.
Dad, your hair is a mess, you dress like a pig,
and your breath stinks.
You need a woman.
-And… and this isn't sexist? -No, it's the truth.
Ah, yes!
Hey, ladies. How about a lesson from the real deal?
Well, I don't have my calendar with me, but I'll look.
Jeez.
Late.
How do you know I don't have anything else going on?
-Ief. Ief. -An appointment.
-What's more important? -With clients.
-Let's go. -Okay. Look, I have to go.
-I'm starting an appraisal. -Desirée.
-An appraisal. Yeah -Okay, bye.
-Don't you dare-- -Oh! Desirée.
Oh!
Yeah, keep laughing. She's driving me crazy.
-Stay a bachelor. It's easier. -Yeah, or wait for the right woman.
-Huh? -Says the man who sleeps with every woman.
Yeah!
Tess decides to live with me. Desirée's pissed.
As if I was the one who came up with the idea.
-Now she wants to revise visitations. -Well, better get used to it, Ivo.
Women are takin' over the world.
If you have a dick, you are a dick.
-Like you can complain, Mike. -Everyone has his problems.
Yeah, sure.
Like it taking too long for your new pool to heat up, right?
Give the man a break.
It's hard work coming up with a show like Fuck Island.
What the…? Mike, what…?
-What are you doin'? -What the fuck?
VAN GAAL & SMIT FURNITURE
#SunnyDay.
#TheGoodLife.
-Hey! -Hey, honey!
I am so excited.
-Yeah? -I have so many plans for the yard.
Statues, and maybe lamps.
How come you're home so early?
It's because of my conversation with Joost.
-You got the promotion? -I walked out on him.
When he said I couldn't choose my own team, I resigned.
-But, uh… -The responsibility, none of the power?
-Mm-mm. I'll pass, thank you. -But we just bought a new house.
We'll be fine.
It won't take long to find something new.
These companies need men with my qualifications.
What about the mortgage? Should I work again?
I loved living without jet lag.
Don't worry, okay? It's fine. I promise… it's under control.
I needed this time for myself, you know?
It's, uh… yeah. A reset.
In fact, I think we should celebrate.
Yeah. Oh! Champagne sounds good. Hey? #TheGoodLife.
"As long as the child is too young to decide where to live,
custody will go to the mother."
Voilà.
"Once the child turns 16, they have the right to weigh in on
which parent they want to live with."
Ha! Bam.
"Weigh in." Hmm? Not decide.
Desirée, we can change the custody agreement.
Of course, just know, it opens a whole can of worms.
And everything is back on the table. Alimony. Even who gets to keep the house.
Oh! You're throwing me out of my own house now?
I didn't say anything.
For 15 years, I paid for everything
so you could get all your useless architecture certifications.
This is how you pay me back?
And you. You just agree with everything he says!
Yeah, sorry. I thought that you'd be on my side.
I only care what Tess wants.
Tess, what do you want?
My dad.
You don't have to decide right now. You can think about it.
Hmm. My dad.
You have completely brainwashed our daughter.
-Then you drag me to this sleazy lawyer. -You made the appointment.
Ivo can't take care of her. He can't even take care of himself.
-Yeah. -What does he know about women?
He doesn't even know about menstruation.
-And what about mood swings? Or tantrums. -Well, after 18 years with you…
Okay, look, Desirée. It is what it is.
-Either we change the custody agreement… -This is your fault.
-Or we respect Tess's wishes. -You're so smart.
But you just wait till she starts manipulating you.
Hmm? You brat.
Oh, Pam, do yourself a favor.
Don't have kids.
Seventeen minutes and 29 seconds. From bath to bed. Thank you,
-Good night. -Hmm.
Wait. What?
Huh? What… What's this?
A spontaneous gesture.
What? Aw, how sweet.
What is it?
Ah. Ooh.
-Okay. Do people actually like this? -Yeah.
-Ah. Wait, I want… Wait, no. -Okay. Hey.
-No way that's gonna fit. -Yeah, but you need to relax.
-I'm trying. -Just relax.
-Take a deep breath. Okay. -Okay. Come on.
-Sit back a little. -Back?
Yeah, here. Yeah.
Oh!
Hey. Told you it would fit.
-Okay, okay. -Let's see…
-And? Like it? -Ah.
Oh. Uh… Ah!
It's a bit…
Maybe it's good?
Oh no. No, it's too strong. Turn it off.
-Turn this thing off. -I'm trying.
Turn it off.
-It's just one button. -Greg, get it out!
Sorry. You have to relax. You're too tense.
Yeah, I'm rela… I'm relaxing.
Mom?
What do you want?
What's wrong? Nightmares?
I can't sleep.
Why don't you try again, okay?
We've been trying.
Ah, guys, come on. You do this every night. Now, chop-chop.
-To bed. -Yeah. Go.
No, not you. Mom has to put us to bed now.
Uh…
Yes. Come on.
-I don't know… -Do something.
-Someone's calling, Mom. -Yeah. I'll answer it in a minute.
Huh?
In the soup?
-No, in the lava cake. It's her favorite. -That go there?
-Uh, no, chef. -Then?
The lava cake. Yeah?
It's in a box. Can't you give it to her like that?
Who's proposing here, you or me?
You are, but maybe wait for the eye to heal.
Just do it. Maybe I should bake it?
-Okay. Fine. -Yeah?
-Out of my kitchen. Go. -Amazing.
-Yeah, get out! -You're the best!
There you go, sir. Here you go. Enjoy.
-Hey, you're finally here. You look great. -Hey.
Yeah, sorry, there was no end to the meetings.
Mm.
-How long is it now? Eighteen months? -Yeah. And that's a new record for me.
I know.
When I met you, I thought, "What a lady-killer."
For me, it was love at first sight.
-My sweet Pam. -Hmm?
I must be the luckiest man.
Because you are absolutely the smartest and the sexiest woman alive.
Well…
-A lava cake for the beautiful lady. -Thank you.
Oh, actually, um… may I get some ice cream instead?
What? Oh, but lava cake is your favorite.
Yeah, and sometimes it's nice to have variety.
And besides, ice is good for your eye.
But we're out of ice cream. Thank you, Sophie.
Yeah?
-Daan. -Mm.
I have to know.
Are you getting bored, or do I still excite you?
I… I don't know what you're talking about. How could I get bored of you? Mm.
-We love each other, don't we? -Absolutely.
-Yeah. -Have some cake.
-It's gonna get cold. -Daan, I have a crazy idea.
-Oh, now I'm nervous. -No way.
-Wait. -An open relationship. What do you think?
Open relation…
So, uh… you mean… you mean sleeping with other men?
Don't make it sound boorish.
-Don't you long to have other women? -No.
No, why would I?
Monogamy doesn't work, Daan. I see it every day.
These couples get bored, and… and they resent each other.
They start fighting and lying, and I don't want that.
-But aren't things good with us? Yeah. -Exactly.
What we have is so special, I never want to lose that.
So, you want to sleep with other men
because you think it's best for us?
-You're a great lawyer. -Commitment has never been your thing.
-Well… -Freedom suits you.
-And… and I get that. -Man…
Because I'm the same way.
I want the happiness of a relationship, but I also want… adventure.
And I think that's possible.
I mean, unless you don't agree. Then…
-Then? -Then I don't know what our future is.
Uh, I'm… wait… really?
Daan, I… I've seen too much to believe in fairy tales.
I never want us to start resenting each other.
Right.
Uh…
-Uh, can I think about it? -Yeah.
-Okay. -Take your time. Of course.
It's cold.
Body and mind connected.
I'm so grateful
for everything we have here.
And I'm grateful for you, dear followers.
What are you doing?
Trying to make a sunrise story for the Gram. Couldn't sleep.
Oh. Seriously?
Yeah! Suus can sometimes make 2,000 euros per photo.
Yeah, but Suus has half a million followers.
-You have 500. -I know.
-Not a bad start. -Start of what?
Earning money. I need an income, don't I?
Okay.
-Can you take the picture? -Oh! Yeah.
-Hurry! -Yeah, yeah.
-Quick. -Mmm. You have to hold it straight.
So you get my feet.
-Sure. Oh! -Yeah.
-Go. -Yeah, I got it
How'd it turn out?
I, uh… I took a selfie of me.
-Yeah. Couldn't get… -Oh, you look awful honey.
Well…
-Hey, we're gonna make it through this. -Mm.
Of course. Mm.
When I told the kids they could bring in a toy from their house,
it's not what I was expecting.
It's just a rocket.
Ready for takeoff. Ready for takeoff.
Oh, oh, Houston, we got a problem. Oh, abort mission.
How'd the kids get it?
It was in the dishwasher.
Jason must have found it in there.
The dishwasher?
-I mean-- -Listen, I totally understand.
These things happen.
But this is a safe space for the kids, so in the future, I'd appreciate--
I'm sorry, what do you "understand"?
How old are you, 25, 26?
Uh, 32.
Are you even seeing anyone?
No.
Have any kids?
-No. -That's why she looks so young.
Listen, missy, I bet you had to study really hard
to teach a bunch of second-graders,
but that doesn't mean you know everything.
You have no idea what it's like in our house.
Between vacuuming, washing dishes, and reading stories,
I can't find a minute
for one pathetic quickie with my husband,
who would rather be playing with his apps than me.
That's not true.
Did it occur to you that this stupid little rocket
could be my last resort?
That I'm doing what I have to do?
And that maybe one day you might shove toys like this in your ass?
And trust me, it ain't pleasant.
#Happiness, #SunnyDay, #GoodLifeWithStevie.
-Why are you on your tiptoes? -Makes my legs longer.
-Oh, yeah. -Right?
And in every picture, do you have to wear those pants?
Mike, you're starting to sound just like my father.
A lot of people like my style.
You see all the likes? Four hundred and fifty.
Four hundred eighty-five. Four eighty-six.
-Okay. -Looks good.
Oh, uh, honey. Um, let's not mention my work.
Boys have such honest friendships.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Hi. -Hi.
Well, come in.
-So big. -Yeah, it's really big.
-Hi. -Hello!
-Welcome, welcome. -This place is beautiful.
Thank you for having us over. Dinner is delicious.
-It's all organic. -Yeah.
-Perfect. -Mm-hmm.
But… is there any meat?
Oh my God.
-Oh, sorry. It's Tess. -How's she settling into the house?
Everything's fine. It's about, um… She… She put me on Tinder.
-Really? -Oh!
Be happy. Greg would put me on eBay.
-For the highest bidder? -That's not true.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, wait a second. Ief is dating again. That's unbelievable.
-It's-- -Let me take a look.
-No. -Yeah.
-Come on. -Don't, Danny.
Boys, I swear.
Whoa.
-Okay, nice. -Jeez.
Knock it off.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
That's not something a grown man says.
I wouldn't call these "grown men." Would you?
-Seriously, look at her. -That's enough.
-Hmm? -That's enough okay?
Are you crazy? I don't know her.
Come on, Ief. What's the harm in asking?
It could be fun. Hey. And she'll see you have great friends.
-Hey! -Ivo's on Tinder!
-It's so fun. -Like you being on Insta.
-Excuse me? -You didn't know?
See, Stevie's now an influencer.
-Oh. -A content creator.
Fun.
I'm lucky to enjoy this lifestyle.
My followers enjoy watching me.
-You want to see? -Yeah.
-@GoodLifeMetStevie, guys. -Mm.
Didn't need that masters in communication.
Would you rather discuss your promotion?
-What? -You were promoted, Mike?
-Oh. -Congrats.
Congrats.
-Carmen's on her way. Hey! -That's great.
-Oh! -Just relax, Ief.
-It's great. Eager and nearby. -What did you do?
-On her way? -I sent a message.
-You're welcome -Guys, guys, a toast.
-Yes. -Um, to the promotion for Mike.
-Really? -Yeah.
And to Ivo. After ten years, he's gettin' laid!
-Hooray! -All right.
-Hey. -Cheers.
Congrats.
-I need to use the restroom. -"Would love to. On my way."
Here, share the address.
Danny, what the hell, man?
-You okay? -Yup.
Hey, Ief. This is so exciting.
Oh man.
The flirting. Every fiber of your body on fire.
Anticipating that first touch, kiss.
That's all great.
But I think it's even better in a stable relationship.
Right.
Ivo, don't limit yourself to the traditional model of monogamy.
Hey, and there it is. The word.
-What word? -Monogamy.
-No, "traditional." -Oh?
Nowadays everything is traditional. Most of all, men.
You're so sensitive.
You just have to get used to the fact that you're not in charge everywhere.
-Mm-hmm. -Whoa!
-Hear that? -She's right
Oh, our time has passed. Tell me, do I detect some jealousy?
You have to admit, there are some things men are better at.
Um, like what?
Merel?
Greg! Greg!
Greg, look at this.
-What are you doing there? -Come and look. Come here.
Wait.
Greg, come here. Come on.
-What is it? -Look!
-Hey. Look. -Come back downstairs.
-No, no. -Look at this closet.
It's bigger than our living room.
-Holy shit. -Take me.
-What? -Please.
-Take me right here. -Do what?
-Shh. -I need you, please. I can't wait.
-Shit. No. -No. Honey, you don't have to cum.
What? No, baby, get off me. Come on.
-Don't be a downer. -We have to go. Stop it.
-Greg, it's a quickie! -Panties on.
-Are you crazy? -We can do it.
Look, look, look, look.
Have you lost your mind? Okay! You gotta get off.
Come on. That's what I'm tryin' to do. Why not pretend I'm Stevie, then?
-What? No, no, no. Stop. -#HappyLife.
-Come on. Merel, knock it off. -Oh, Greg…
-You've been drinking. -What?
Put your panties back on, and let's go.
Or I'm keeping them.
You're so lame. Okay, come on!
Greg, come on!
You suck!
Why do pro women soccer players make less than men?
-Oh, that's just the market. -The market's out of date.
Women's soccer is entertaining. When it rains,
and it's muddy, and they're running like…
-You're disgusting. -That's true, though. He likes it.
-That's called arousal, not equality. -Oh yeah, arousal.
That's an outdated concept now too, isn't it?
It's not allowed anymore. Now it's about listening.
God forbid you talk about a woman as a sex object.
Now they do it themselves on Insta.
We do embrace our femininity ourselves nowadays.
You're right.
We don't need men for that anymore.
Times have changed, Mike.
If you don't like it, well, then that's really your own problem. Huh?
Well…
-Is he upset? -No.
It was just a conversation.
Mike, what's up?
I got fired.
-What? -Yeah.
I told Stevie I was the one who left, but I was replaced.
By a woman.
Poor thing.
-Yeah. Apparently, I'm easily replaced. -Oh…
No, but now she's gonna be here any minute.
-Yes. Yeah. -You can't take my phone and do that.
I mean it.
What's goin' on here? Hmm?
-Uh… -Um, nothing. Nothing. We're cleaning up.
-How about dessert? -Dessert.
Seriously, Pam?
-Hey, wait. C'mon. -Seriously, with my best friend? Wha--
-Honey… -He's your best friend?
-Now? -I could never hook up with Mike.
-Hmm? -Fuck!
Honey, come on.
I just gave him a hug because he got fired.
-What? -Hey, um…
-You what? -Okay! My husband is impotent!
Oh, shit. Uh, uh, uh, I'll get it.
Uh…
You were fired?
-Hey. -Ivo?
-Stevie! -Uh, Carmen?
It's a nice house.
Yeah, it isn't mine. It's my friend's.
But, uh, I appraised it.
Okay.
That's what you meant by an "open relationship"?
You wanted to have an affair with Mike? What the fuck?!
Danny, can we talk?
…tell me you were fired? What kind of relationship do we have?
Do you want to come in?
-Oh… -I just want to fuck!
Maybe you should have an espresso.
I don't want coffee! I want you to fuck me!
Um…
Some other time, maybe?
Yeah, that would be best.
Uh, sorry. See ya.
Bye.
Shh.
There you go. You're okay.
Hey.
Didn't you quit smoking?
Yep, but not tonight.
-Hmm. -Hey, Danny.
-I'd never hook up with Pam, you know. -Yeah, right.
-We talking about the same Pam? -Excuse me?
-Hey, you know it's true. -Fuck you.
Come here.
Aww.
Why won't you sleep with your wife?
I'm… just tired.
That's all.
Tired?
Yeah, with the kids, work. I'm just tired when I get home.
Mm.
Hey, if anyone wants to go for a swim, it could be your last chance.
'Cause I might not be able to afford it next month.
Mm, wow.
Well, I think it's a great idea, boys.
-We only live once. Let's go. -Yeah?
-Come on, come on! -Seriously?
-Let's go. -Eh, oh! Look out.
-Hey! -Whoa!
Ah, fuck. Fuck, it's… it's cold.
All right, guys, who wants another margarita?
I thought you said this was heated!
What do you think that costs? I just got fired, man.
Fuck.
ROOSTERS ou think that costs? I just got fired, man.