WEBVTT 00:00:25.358 --> 00:00:26.776 align:center -You okay? -Mm-hmm. 00:00:26.860 --> 00:00:28.820 align:center -Is this your first baby? -Mm-hmm. 00:00:28.903 --> 00:00:29.904 align:center Okay. 00:00:30.739 --> 00:00:32.657 align:center Here's the baby's heart beating. 00:00:33.283 --> 00:00:35.160 align:center This is the baby's abdomen. 00:00:35.702 --> 00:00:37.287 align:center Here's the right kidney, 00:00:37.370 --> 00:00:38.705 align:center the left kidney, 00:00:38.788 --> 00:00:40.331 align:center the spine, 00:00:40.415 --> 00:00:42.417 align:center the tailbone, the lumbar, 00:00:42.500 --> 00:00:45.462 align:center dorsal, shoulder, the elbow. 00:00:46.504 --> 00:00:48.798 align:center The baby has a lot of room to move around. 00:00:51.968 --> 00:00:53.970 align:center This is the baby's head. 00:00:54.053 --> 00:00:57.599 align:center This is the outline of the baby's skull, looking down on the top. 00:00:58.308 --> 00:01:00.894 align:center This is looking down into the brain. 00:01:03.313 --> 00:01:06.191 align:center All the anatomy looks normal. The baby's the right size. 00:01:06.274 --> 00:01:09.778 align:center Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart, 00:01:09.861 --> 00:01:13.281 align:center everything I can see on a baby this age all looks normal. 00:01:49.651 --> 00:01:50.735 align:center Hi, everybody. 00:01:51.402 --> 00:01:52.695 align:center Hello. 00:01:52.779 --> 00:01:55.907 align:center Okay, we have a short amount of time together, so… 00:01:55.990 --> 00:01:58.868 align:center I know a lot of you are graduating soon. 00:01:59.577 --> 00:02:02.872 align:center And moving into the world, there's always a lot of unknown. 00:02:02.956 --> 00:02:07.502 align:center And this is a time where it feels like you need to look everywhere for advice. 00:02:07.585 --> 00:02:11.631 align:center And you need to look everywhere to understand how to go through your life. 00:02:11.714 --> 00:02:15.552 align:center So I just want to remind you, remember that you're here. 00:02:15.635 --> 00:02:18.680 align:center And to look inward and to trust yourselves, 00:02:18.763 --> 00:02:23.226 align:center because you have more answers in here than you think you do. 00:02:30.066 --> 00:02:32.152 align:center I feel scared. 00:02:34.612 --> 00:02:38.074 align:center I didn't know that it was going to be this hard… 00:02:39.951 --> 00:02:41.786 align:center learning all of this about myself. 00:02:43.204 --> 00:02:45.248 align:center Do you have questions for me? 00:02:48.585 --> 00:02:49.586 align:center Yes. 00:02:50.545 --> 00:02:52.839 align:center But at some point, I just made the connection 00:02:52.922 --> 00:02:59.220 align:center that it's dangerous to have curiosity or to ask questions. 00:02:59.304 --> 00:03:00.305 align:center Ten and one… 00:03:00.388 --> 00:03:01.848 align:center People need to understand 00:03:01.931 --> 00:03:05.351 align:center that some people experience the world in a different way. 00:03:05.435 --> 00:03:10.023 align:center But the incredible way that you perceive the world is amazing. 00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:21.409 align:center If dance was taken away from me, I wouldn't know myself. 00:03:23.494 --> 00:03:27.373 align:center But that's why this changes everything. 00:03:27.457 --> 00:03:28.499 align:center Tell me more. 00:03:29.834 --> 00:03:32.795 align:center There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 00:03:34.088 --> 00:03:38.426 align:center and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 00:03:39.219 --> 00:03:42.013 align:center It just makes it a lot more real. 00:03:44.682 --> 00:03:49.228 align:center It's always felt like something just didn't add up. 00:03:52.982 --> 00:03:55.109 align:center Everything just feels different now. 00:03:59.072 --> 00:04:01.741 align:center We see a challenge in three areas. 00:04:01.824 --> 00:04:03.618 align:center One is communication. 00:04:03.701 --> 00:04:04.869 align:center One is socialization. 00:04:04.953 --> 00:04:07.330 align:center And one is repetitive and stereotyped behaviors. 00:04:07.413 --> 00:04:10.416 align:center You really are hitting all of those three marks. 00:04:11.042 --> 00:04:12.919 align:center And I have to see it over time, 00:04:13.002 --> 00:04:15.255 align:center through your history and early development. 00:04:18.049 --> 00:04:21.177 align:center There is a neurobiology to the way the person is 00:04:21.260 --> 00:04:23.221 align:center that starts very early in childhood 00:04:23.304 --> 00:04:25.598 align:center and really goes with you through a lifetime. 00:04:26.849 --> 00:04:30.603 align:center And so you do meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder. 00:04:34.857 --> 00:04:38.695 align:center Autism spectrum disorder is a complex developmental condition 00:04:38.778 --> 00:04:42.282 align:center that involves persistent challenges in social interaction, 00:04:42.365 --> 00:04:47.912 align:center speech, and nonverbal communication and restricted/repetitive behaviors. 00:05:00.508 --> 00:05:05.013 align:center ASD is typically diagnosed in toddlerhood or early childhood. 00:05:06.848 --> 00:05:12.061 align:center The effect of ASD and the severity of symptoms are different in each person. 00:05:20.486 --> 00:05:22.447 align:center Do you have questions for me? 00:05:41.424 --> 00:05:42.717 align:center You need anything? 00:05:45.845 --> 00:05:47.680 align:center Just feels like… 00:05:49.682 --> 00:05:53.561 align:center It feels relieving, in a way. 00:05:57.023 --> 00:05:58.441 align:center I can't imagine. 00:05:59.067 --> 00:06:01.861 align:center Today, I officially received 00:06:01.944 --> 00:06:06.949 align:center my diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1. 00:06:07.033 --> 00:06:08.576 align:center "Requires support." 00:06:09.077 --> 00:06:10.703 align:center Pack a bag. 00:06:10.787 --> 00:06:12.497 align:center Pack a bag? 00:06:13.206 --> 00:06:14.916 align:center -Yeah. -To go where? 00:06:14.999 --> 00:06:16.751 align:center -For the journey. -Oh. 00:06:16.834 --> 00:06:19.003 align:center I forget you don't like analogies. 00:06:19.087 --> 00:06:21.255 align:center That one went over my head. 00:06:25.259 --> 00:06:28.429 align:center Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I… 00:06:29.430 --> 00:06:34.227 align:center I've felt like I don't trust my mind or my headspace in this weird way. 00:06:34.310 --> 00:06:36.020 align:center It's like, um… 00:06:36.979 --> 00:06:40.608 align:center I'll read, um… traits 00:06:40.691 --> 00:06:44.404 align:center of a person with autism or ASD Level 1, 00:06:44.487 --> 00:06:48.908 align:center and, you know, I feel like I'm reading about my life, 00:06:48.991 --> 00:06:52.870 align:center and it feels so clear to me, and I identify so deeply. 00:06:52.954 --> 00:06:57.875 align:center And then the next moment I'll feel like I'm making it all up, or it's not real, 00:06:57.959 --> 00:07:03.214 align:center or like I'm looking for a, you know, quick fix or something. 00:07:03.297 --> 00:07:05.675 align:center It's this weird head game I've been playing with myself. 00:07:05.758 --> 00:07:09.846 align:center But today I formally received, um, diagnosis. 00:07:09.929 --> 00:07:13.516 align:center So… I kinda can, like, take a breath 00:07:13.599 --> 00:07:17.687 align:center and know, um… know myself. 00:07:17.770 --> 00:07:20.690 align:center I don't feel like I've ever really… 00:07:20.773 --> 00:07:23.901 align:center had the possibility or the opportunity to do that. 00:07:23.985 --> 00:07:28.489 align:center So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it… 00:07:30.074 --> 00:07:30.908 align:center feels promising. 00:07:30.992 --> 00:07:32.785 align:center And I'm feeling grateful 00:07:32.869 --> 00:07:36.914 align:center that I've had the opportunity to go through this process. 00:07:37.415 --> 00:07:38.624 align:center So why are you afraid? 00:07:41.127 --> 00:07:46.090 align:center Participating in a documentary is my worst nightmare, 00:07:46.883 --> 00:07:51.888 align:center having to communicate with someone 00:07:51.971 --> 00:07:54.682 align:center on, like, such a deep level, and… 00:07:58.019 --> 00:08:03.232 align:center I trust Alex, but… I don't like to do things that I don't know how to do. 00:08:04.108 --> 00:08:05.484 align:center But you know the answer 00:08:05.568 --> 00:08:09.197 align:center because all the things that you can do now you once didn't know how to do. 00:08:10.615 --> 00:08:15.036 align:center So what made you somehow… overcome those moments? 00:08:16.496 --> 00:08:19.123 align:center I'm like, "I don't know where I am." What's up? 00:08:19.207 --> 00:08:21.125 align:center -Good to meet you. -Nice to meet you. 00:08:21.209 --> 00:08:23.377 align:center -This is Ian. -Hey, Ian. I'm Alex. 00:08:24.212 --> 00:08:26.631 align:center Well, I believe this is the right thing to do. 00:08:29.592 --> 00:08:30.843 align:center So I'll just do it. 00:08:39.852 --> 00:08:41.729 align:center This is James. 00:08:42.939 --> 00:08:46.317 align:center -Wow, look at that. -Wow. He's giving it. 00:08:46.400 --> 00:08:49.028 align:center -He's serving it. -He's serving it up. 00:08:49.111 --> 00:08:50.571 align:center And then the legend herself. 00:08:50.655 --> 00:08:52.698 align:center -That picture… -That's my first recital. 00:08:52.782 --> 00:08:54.450 align:center -With the hand… -I know. 00:08:54.534 --> 00:08:56.661 align:center -Do you mind if I mic you? -Sure. 00:08:57.245 --> 00:09:01.749 align:center Part of what is stressful to me is that I don't know how a documentary is made 00:09:01.832 --> 00:09:03.668 align:center or how, like, you work, and… 00:09:03.751 --> 00:09:05.836 align:center -You're also filming me. -I've been filming. 00:09:05.920 --> 00:09:09.215 align:center I'm just trying to capture stuff of just her kind of existing in space. 00:09:09.298 --> 00:09:11.384 align:center And it's been awesome. 00:09:11.467 --> 00:09:16.305 align:center It's weird because every person I, like, encounter now 00:09:16.389 --> 00:09:18.349 align:center doesn't know this. 00:09:18.849 --> 00:09:22.728 align:center So-- And then also to be thinking about filming all-- 00:09:22.812 --> 00:09:25.106 align:center Like, everything is just crazy. 00:09:25.189 --> 00:09:27.066 align:center Everything is… 00:09:27.149 --> 00:09:30.111 align:center Every day is like a day I haven't experienced yet. 00:09:31.862 --> 00:09:33.114 align:center You're gonna freak. 00:09:34.073 --> 00:09:35.574 align:center Wow, look at that. 00:09:35.658 --> 00:09:39.745 align:center I have this courage 00:09:39.829 --> 00:09:43.332 align:center to do things in the name of dance 00:09:43.416 --> 00:09:48.045 align:center that, like, I would not be able to do as just Jenn. 00:09:48.129 --> 00:09:50.589 align:center -Like what we're doing right now. -Same. 00:09:51.090 --> 00:09:53.217 align:center And like a lot of things in my life 00:09:53.301 --> 00:09:57.263 align:center because at, like, the seed of every interaction 00:09:57.346 --> 00:10:01.559 align:center or every opportunity or every job is, 00:10:01.642 --> 00:10:03.436 align:center "No, I don't wanna do that." 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:09.358 align:center Like, it feels instantaneously a level of anxiety. 00:10:09.442 --> 00:10:10.693 align:center But I just do it anyways. 00:10:11.444 --> 00:10:14.238 align:center I'm exactly the same way. 00:10:14.322 --> 00:10:17.450 align:center -Um, this project, I think, is different. -Okay. 00:10:17.533 --> 00:10:19.910 align:center I'm honestly not really sure what it is yet. 00:10:19.994 --> 00:10:24.332 align:center Basically, my whole career revolves around what performance gives to the audience. 00:10:26.042 --> 00:10:27.793 align:center But I've always wanted to explore 00:10:27.877 --> 00:10:30.755 align:center what performance actually gives back to the artists themselves. 00:10:30.838 --> 00:10:31.714 align:center Totally. 00:10:31.797 --> 00:10:35.176 align:center And that led me to movement-based psychotherapy, 00:10:35.259 --> 00:10:37.595 align:center which is just a very fancy way of saying 00:10:37.678 --> 00:10:40.389 align:center "communication through dance when words fail." 00:10:40.473 --> 00:10:44.560 align:center -Totally. -This is something I struggle with. 00:10:44.644 --> 00:10:47.229 align:center -You were the first person I thought of. -Of course. 00:10:47.313 --> 00:10:51.692 align:center I realize it's been six years, but I reached out to you 00:10:51.776 --> 00:10:55.363 align:center because I've been following your career since we did that music video together. 00:10:56.614 --> 00:10:59.325 align:center I think it's fate that after all this time, 00:10:59.408 --> 00:11:02.328 align:center I texted you on the same day you got your diagnosis. 00:11:02.411 --> 00:11:04.997 align:center I still can't get over it. It's so bizarre. 00:11:05.081 --> 00:11:07.958 align:center I got home the night before from a trip to LA. 00:11:08.042 --> 00:11:11.420 align:center We have her session next morning. Boom, in comes the email. 00:11:11.504 --> 00:11:14.632 align:center -Yeah. -And then her session is just wild. 00:11:16.092 --> 00:11:19.261 align:center What was the draw to go into performing arts and to dance? 00:11:19.345 --> 00:11:21.847 align:center My answer before was that… 00:11:23.724 --> 00:11:28.312 align:center I was just guided into it 00:11:28.396 --> 00:11:29.814 align:center and fell in love with it. 00:11:29.897 --> 00:11:35.277 align:center And… it feels like it's my purpose 00:11:35.361 --> 00:11:38.364 align:center and what I'm supposed to do with this life. 00:11:38.447 --> 00:11:40.866 align:center And it's my talent. 00:11:40.950 --> 00:11:43.369 align:center And it's the way that I connect with people. 00:11:43.452 --> 00:11:48.457 align:center And it's the way that I can help people. 00:11:48.541 --> 00:11:53.629 align:center But I just always had this feeling that I was guided 00:11:53.713 --> 00:11:57.091 align:center or being, like, guided through this life, 00:11:57.174 --> 00:12:00.052 align:center which… I still do in a way, 00:12:00.136 --> 00:12:04.348 align:center but… I think I just really-- 00:12:04.432 --> 00:12:08.602 align:center I just became obsessed with dance, possibly just because I'm autistic. 00:12:08.686 --> 00:12:10.771 align:center And, like, it was… 00:12:10.855 --> 00:12:13.482 align:center It was helpful for me 00:12:13.566 --> 00:12:18.654 align:center in ways that I… am just now understanding. 00:12:18.738 --> 00:12:21.365 align:center Okay, let's see where this goes. 00:12:21.449 --> 00:12:23.742 align:center Maybe we ease into it, and I just shadow you. 00:12:23.826 --> 00:12:26.328 align:center -Okay. Okay. -And we see if anything comes from it. 00:12:27.246 --> 00:12:28.205 align:center Okay. Then, let's begin. 00:13:03.282 --> 00:13:06.577 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six… 00:13:10.790 --> 00:13:13.626 align:center And one, two. Ha, ha. 00:13:17.338 --> 00:13:19.381 align:center Yes, Barry! Ha, ha. 00:13:19.465 --> 00:13:21.342 align:center Ha, ha. Hey! Hup! 00:13:21.425 --> 00:13:22.593 align:center Five, six… 00:13:24.011 --> 00:13:25.763 align:center Hey! Yes! 00:13:27.264 --> 00:13:29.642 align:center Yes, go wide… 00:13:29.725 --> 00:13:31.727 align:center All that space in your quadrant. 00:13:31.810 --> 00:13:33.521 align:center Yes. Yes. 00:13:33.604 --> 00:13:35.481 align:center Eyes here. Let me see you. 00:13:35.564 --> 00:13:38.067 align:center In the beginning, it was just dance. 00:13:38.150 --> 00:13:39.401 align:center But it's been years… 00:13:39.485 --> 00:13:41.070 align:center Opening, it's flowering. 00:13:41.153 --> 00:13:44.740 align:center …since it stopped being that therapy for me. 00:13:46.283 --> 00:13:47.159 align:center At some point, 00:13:47.243 --> 00:13:50.788 align:center dance started taking more from me than it was giving me. 00:13:50.871 --> 00:13:51.705 align:center Yes! 00:13:51.789 --> 00:13:54.208 align:center As a human, when I'm watching you dance, 00:13:54.291 --> 00:13:57.545 align:center if I can't find your eyes, 00:13:57.628 --> 00:14:00.005 align:center I literally can't connect with you. 00:14:02.174 --> 00:14:04.677 align:center I found a way to make a living doing the thing I love, 00:14:04.760 --> 00:14:06.345 align:center but it's been a long time 00:14:06.428 --> 00:14:09.181 align:center since I've been able to find the joy in moving. 00:14:09.265 --> 00:14:12.852 align:center But I'm still having this career that's happening simultaneously, 00:14:12.935 --> 00:14:15.729 align:center but I'm not really finding the joy in it for myself. 00:14:17.189 --> 00:14:19.066 align:center But I'm still showing up for my students. 00:14:19.149 --> 00:14:21.902 align:center Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys. 00:14:22.486 --> 00:14:25.948 align:center It's hard for me to find environments where I truly do love dancing now. 00:14:26.949 --> 00:14:30.035 align:center I can see how you have lost some of that. 00:14:30.119 --> 00:14:33.747 align:center I'm really blessed that I can make a living doing the thing that I love, 00:14:33.831 --> 00:14:35.541 align:center but it's also kind of a curse, 00:14:35.624 --> 00:14:38.919 align:center because you can lose the joy in the thing that you love. 00:14:50.306 --> 00:14:52.349 align:center We come down hard. All right? 00:14:52.433 --> 00:14:54.810 align:center We come down hard, because that's how we're trained 00:14:54.894 --> 00:14:56.979 align:center and that's what we really want to do. 00:14:57.062 --> 00:14:58.355 align:center Yes, I'm disciplined, 00:14:58.439 --> 00:15:02.401 align:center but I love seeing effort in dance. 00:15:02.484 --> 00:15:06.488 align:center I don't like it to look too easy or too perfect or too polished. 00:15:06.572 --> 00:15:09.700 align:center I like seeing that, especially in women. 00:15:12.494 --> 00:15:16.165 align:center I wanna see the power behind what you're doing, and the effort. 00:15:16.248 --> 00:15:17.541 align:center But it's hard. 00:15:21.962 --> 00:15:24.673 align:center This place has been iconic to me. 00:15:24.757 --> 00:15:27.092 align:center I grew up in Idaho in the middle of nowhere, 00:15:27.176 --> 00:15:30.804 align:center and I used to, like, see Steps in dance magazines, and I would-- 00:15:30.888 --> 00:15:33.974 align:center Like, this studio. This studio. 00:15:34.058 --> 00:15:37.770 align:center And I just wanted-- Like, I wanted to be here so bad. 00:15:37.853 --> 00:15:40.898 align:center And the fact that I'm here with you 00:15:40.981 --> 00:15:45.653 align:center and so many familiar faces that I've known for years and years, 00:15:45.736 --> 00:15:48.072 align:center I feel so grateful. 00:15:48.155 --> 00:15:49.573 align:center -You guys are-- -We love you! 00:16:07.758 --> 00:16:10.135 align:center Five, six, seven, eight… 00:16:16.850 --> 00:16:20.229 align:center Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period, 00:16:20.312 --> 00:16:22.314 align:center but may not become fully manifest 00:16:22.398 --> 00:16:25.859 align:center until social demands exceed limited capacities, 00:16:25.943 --> 00:16:29.863 align:center or may be masked by learned strategies in later life. 00:16:29.947 --> 00:16:34.785 align:center How do I know 00:16:34.868 --> 00:16:38.872 align:center When it's overload? 00:16:38.956 --> 00:16:41.000 align:center Jennifer! 00:16:41.083 --> 00:16:42.668 align:center -Hi! -Say hi! 00:16:43.711 --> 00:16:45.129 align:center -Okay, go! -Hi! 00:16:45.212 --> 00:16:46.422 align:center Just look. 00:16:47.464 --> 00:16:49.466 align:center -Yeah, come on. -Hi! 00:16:49.550 --> 00:16:54.430 align:center This is the way I was my face early in the morning… 00:16:54.513 --> 00:16:56.265 align:center What in the world is wrong with you? 00:17:02.730 --> 00:17:08.152 align:center Saying hello from my favorite place on planet Earth. 00:17:08.235 --> 00:17:09.445 align:center My happy place. 00:17:10.863 --> 00:17:14.324 align:center I love it here. 00:17:14.408 --> 00:17:20.456 align:center It's like… one o'clock, on a Tuesday, in the afternoon. 00:17:20.539 --> 00:17:22.708 align:center And this is my second bath today. 00:17:23.917 --> 00:17:25.377 align:center Just one of those days. 00:17:44.730 --> 00:17:46.273 align:center What do you feel? 00:17:48.275 --> 00:17:49.610 align:center What do you feel? 00:17:51.403 --> 00:17:55.657 align:center What do you feel? 00:17:55.741 --> 00:17:58.619 align:center Stimming is anything that you do with your body 00:17:58.702 --> 00:18:01.789 align:center to be able to get yourself to a regulated place. 00:18:02.372 --> 00:18:05.793 align:center What do you feel? 00:18:05.876 --> 00:18:09.588 align:center Anything that is bringing about regulation for that person 00:18:09.671 --> 00:18:12.508 align:center is really a stimulatory kind of behavior. 00:18:12.591 --> 00:18:13.425 align:center Nice toes. 00:18:14.009 --> 00:18:15.260 align:center When you were younger, 00:18:15.344 --> 00:18:19.098 align:center I think that you were self-stimming when you were twirling. 00:18:19.181 --> 00:18:21.308 align:center And your parents called it dancing. 00:18:21.391 --> 00:18:23.769 align:center Huh? 00:18:23.852 --> 00:18:25.813 align:center Finish dancing your dance. 00:18:38.951 --> 00:18:44.081 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. 00:18:44.164 --> 00:18:46.583 align:center Five, six, seven, eight. 00:18:46.667 --> 00:18:51.547 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 00:18:51.630 --> 00:18:55.175 align:center Could you move your hips any faster? 00:18:55.259 --> 00:18:59.680 align:center Ha! 00:18:59.763 --> 00:19:01.431 align:center -There you go. -Nice. 00:19:01.515 --> 00:19:02.432 align:center Drop. 00:19:02.516 --> 00:19:03.433 align:center Now other side. 00:19:03.517 --> 00:19:04.726 align:center Beautiful. 00:19:04.810 --> 00:19:09.022 align:center Step! Step, step, five! Step, five! Kick, kick, five! 00:19:12.484 --> 00:19:19.158 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 00:19:19.241 --> 00:19:21.493 align:center Okay? You wanna try it with music? 00:19:21.577 --> 00:19:23.370 align:center One, two. 00:19:23.453 --> 00:19:26.498 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 00:19:26.582 --> 00:19:30.210 align:center One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 00:19:30.294 --> 00:19:33.755 align:center Hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input 00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:37.885 align:center or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment. 00:19:37.968 --> 00:19:41.179 align:center Apparent indifference to pain or temperature. 00:19:41.263 --> 00:19:45.017 align:center Adverse response to specific sounds or textures. 00:19:45.100 --> 00:19:48.395 align:center Excessive smelling or touching of objects. 00:19:48.478 --> 00:19:51.565 align:center Visual fascination with lights or movement. 00:19:52.065 --> 00:19:53.275 align:center Feel good? 00:19:54.193 --> 00:19:56.904 align:center -Yeah. -What feels good about dragging it? 00:19:56.987 --> 00:20:01.366 align:center Just like… my human instinct just wants to do this. 00:20:01.450 --> 00:20:05.162 align:center The vibration in my hand and the sound. 00:20:05.245 --> 00:20:06.663 align:center I feel bound. 00:20:08.916 --> 00:20:12.794 align:center There's so many manifestations of social challenges. 00:20:12.878 --> 00:20:15.088 align:center There's so many manifestations of sensory issues. 00:20:15.172 --> 00:20:20.302 align:center Happy birthday, dear Jennifer 00:20:26.934 --> 00:20:27.976 align:center Is it too bright? 00:20:28.060 --> 00:20:30.771 align:center The visuals, sound, texture… 00:20:33.065 --> 00:20:38.362 align:center -Sorry. Wipe it on your pants. -Uh-uh! 00:20:38.445 --> 00:20:40.197 align:center -Oh, Jennifer, stop it. -Yuck! 00:20:41.448 --> 00:20:43.367 align:center -Yucky! -Just go back to the car. 00:20:43.450 --> 00:20:45.869 align:center It's a lot to process. 00:20:45.953 --> 00:20:48.121 align:center -You doing all right, Jenn? -It's too much. 00:20:48.622 --> 00:20:51.833 align:center I literally, like, shut down. I feel crazy. 00:20:52.918 --> 00:20:55.128 align:center That's why you should let me continue to shop-- 00:20:55.212 --> 00:20:58.840 align:center No, but I wanted to try to have fun and pick out stuff together. 00:20:58.924 --> 00:21:02.761 align:center It was like lightning in my eyes. Like, it was like flashes. 00:21:02.844 --> 00:21:04.429 align:center This, like, bright light. 00:21:04.513 --> 00:21:07.099 align:center Literally, it felt like my brain was breaking. 00:21:07.182 --> 00:21:08.767 align:center Like, permanently. 00:21:08.850 --> 00:21:10.686 align:center It's very overwhelming. 00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:15.899 align:center I think that your sensory system right now has been on overload for so long. 00:21:18.193 --> 00:21:20.445 align:center It's important for you to come up with ways to cope. 00:21:20.529 --> 00:21:22.197 align:center Sorry that it hurts… 00:21:22.281 --> 00:21:24.700 align:center But that's not always healthy for you. 00:21:25.325 --> 00:21:26.910 align:center It's what you need in that moment 00:21:26.994 --> 00:21:30.038 align:center to be able to soothe and to deal and to process. 00:21:30.122 --> 00:21:32.874 align:center -What? -Having really heavy beer cravings. 00:21:32.958 --> 00:21:36.420 align:center It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking when I was fuckin' 13. 00:21:36.503 --> 00:21:39.298 align:center Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks. 00:21:39.381 --> 00:21:40.507 align:center I understand. 00:21:41.216 --> 00:21:42.759 align:center So much 00:21:42.843 --> 00:21:44.011 align:center Pour me one too, babe. 00:21:44.594 --> 00:21:48.098 align:center When things are too heightened or things are not patterning out 00:21:48.181 --> 00:21:50.517 align:center the way that makes sense for someone like you, 00:21:50.600 --> 00:21:53.186 align:center the world is gonna be challenging and hard to be in. 00:21:58.358 --> 00:22:03.071 align:center As an adult, you basically just stop stimming… 00:22:03.155 --> 00:22:04.448 align:center Get it out, buddy. 00:22:05.157 --> 00:22:08.243 align:center Burn it out. It's okay. Let it hit you where it needs to hit you. 00:22:08.327 --> 00:22:11.413 align:center Because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. 00:22:11.496 --> 00:22:13.832 align:center Or you feel judged. 00:22:13.915 --> 00:22:16.835 align:center And that's why having the ability to regulate, 00:22:16.918 --> 00:22:22.341 align:center to refuel, and to be able to balance in a very healthy way is very important. 00:22:22.424 --> 00:22:24.760 align:center I disguised my stimming as dancing. 00:22:25.761 --> 00:22:28.930 align:center My hands 00:22:29.014 --> 00:22:33.268 align:center My hands… 00:22:34.770 --> 00:22:36.438 align:center Find the balance, find the middle, 00:22:36.521 --> 00:22:38.231 align:center find where you need to be. 00:22:38.315 --> 00:22:43.111 align:center Or also just to cocoon and just be in a space that felt safe. 00:22:43.987 --> 00:22:46.073 align:center Yeah, I did that a lot when I was younger. 00:22:46.156 --> 00:22:49.117 align:center Like, make little nooks for myself. 00:22:49.201 --> 00:22:52.287 align:center And that can be a place where you find a lot of solace 00:22:52.370 --> 00:22:53.789 align:center and a lot of comfort. 00:22:54.289 --> 00:22:56.958 align:center Being out in nature is very soothing, 00:22:57.042 --> 00:23:01.254 align:center so you would wanna go into those spaces for long periods of time and just be. 00:23:06.051 --> 00:23:07.552 align:center -Ready? -Yep! 00:23:07.636 --> 00:23:08.678 align:center Whoo! 00:23:08.762 --> 00:23:10.555 align:center So pretty. What do you think? 00:23:10.639 --> 00:23:11.598 align:center I love it. 00:23:11.681 --> 00:23:12.682 align:center I love it too. 00:23:13.391 --> 00:23:15.394 align:center -I love you. -I love you, buddy. 00:23:34.871 --> 00:23:36.790 align:center Tune out the whole world. 00:23:48.343 --> 00:23:52.055 align:center -Is that the arm or the hip? What is that? -It's all fucked, doesn't matter. 00:23:52.139 --> 00:23:54.057 align:center Was it a sports-related injury you had? 00:23:54.141 --> 00:23:55.517 align:center Yeah. I'm a dancer. 00:23:55.600 --> 00:23:57.811 align:center -Dr. Borowski will be in in a few. -Okay. 00:23:58.478 --> 00:24:00.897 align:center These are too small for me. 00:24:00.981 --> 00:24:03.984 align:center -Too small. I need bigger ones. -Let me see your butt. 00:24:04.067 --> 00:24:05.861 align:center -Turn around. -No. 00:24:06.361 --> 00:24:08.155 align:center Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy. 00:24:08.238 --> 00:24:09.072 align:center No, thank you. 00:24:10.991 --> 00:24:13.243 align:center -Is she broken? -Is my career over? 00:24:14.995 --> 00:24:17.164 align:center Pull this knee towards my hand. 00:24:17.247 --> 00:24:18.331 align:center That's… Whoa! 00:24:18.415 --> 00:24:19.749 align:center Yeah. 00:24:19.833 --> 00:24:23.295 align:center -Okay, so… -Anything lifting my leg is bad. 00:24:23.378 --> 00:24:24.212 align:center Okay. 00:24:24.296 --> 00:24:26.673 align:center I was able to dance through it. Everything was fine. 00:24:26.756 --> 00:24:29.342 align:center -As she always does, though. -Right. Of course. 00:24:29.426 --> 00:24:32.971 align:center At this point in my life, all you're doing is dancing through pain. 00:24:33.054 --> 00:24:34.848 align:center You've got a couple things going on. 00:24:34.931 --> 00:24:38.727 align:center So your hip flexor does certainly seem to be all fired up. 00:24:38.810 --> 00:24:41.771 align:center What I would say is that, actually, let's get the MRI now. 00:24:41.855 --> 00:24:45.734 align:center I wanna do it to make sure we're not dealing with a stress reaction. 00:24:46.902 --> 00:24:49.654 align:center If this becomes a situation, she has Martha Graham coming up. 00:24:49.738 --> 00:24:53.074 align:center On top of everything I'm doing, I have nationals coming up. 00:24:53.158 --> 00:24:58.079 align:center -Let's do physical therapy… -Classes have 250 to 400 people… 00:25:01.124 --> 00:25:03.126 align:center It's gonna be a lot. 00:25:09.132 --> 00:25:11.259 align:center Insistence on sameness. 00:25:12.844 --> 00:25:15.555 align:center Inflexible adherence to routines. 00:25:16.723 --> 00:25:20.018 align:center Or ritualized patterns or verbal/nonverbal behavior. 00:25:20.101 --> 00:25:27.108 align:center Take me home 00:25:29.402 --> 00:25:30.529 align:center What you thinking? 00:25:30.612 --> 00:25:32.948 align:center I'm thinking this is not interesting. 00:25:33.031 --> 00:25:34.241 align:center What are you filming? 00:25:37.911 --> 00:25:39.496 align:center I think it's interesting. 00:25:39.996 --> 00:25:40.997 align:center Pack. 00:25:41.873 --> 00:25:44.251 align:center I'm not fun to watch, you know. 00:25:44.751 --> 00:25:45.961 align:center Wanna bring James? 00:25:46.044 --> 00:25:46.962 align:center I wish. 00:25:47.796 --> 00:25:49.881 align:center Jenn's packing, and she's not happy. 00:25:51.466 --> 00:25:52.968 align:center What are you thinking? 00:26:01.226 --> 00:26:03.270 align:center She's not winning at this moment. 00:26:08.191 --> 00:26:11.736 align:center For you, it's very hard to know what to do, 00:26:11.820 --> 00:26:15.699 align:center where to begin, how to interact, how to have a conversation, 00:26:15.782 --> 00:26:19.536 align:center how to understand someone else's perspective, emotionally. 00:26:19.619 --> 00:26:23.290 align:center You are having to process each and every person, 00:26:23.373 --> 00:26:25.417 align:center each and every person's emotions, 00:26:25.500 --> 00:26:27.294 align:center each and every person's backstory, 00:26:27.377 --> 00:26:29.796 align:center reading the room and reading what's happening. 00:26:29.879 --> 00:26:32.591 align:center And it is very challenging when you think about 00:26:32.674 --> 00:26:36.094 align:center how much someone has to cognitively unpackage something. 00:26:36.177 --> 00:26:41.474 align:center And for you, the pressures are quite a few in social situations. 00:26:41.558 --> 00:26:42.601 align:center They're many. 00:26:54.738 --> 00:26:56.531 align:center Your call has been forwarded 00:26:56.615 --> 00:26:58.158 align:center to an automatic voice message system. 00:26:58.241 --> 00:27:00.327 align:center You've reached Alex. Leave a message. 00:27:05.457 --> 00:27:07.000 align:center Yeah, Alex… 00:27:07.500 --> 00:27:09.836 align:center I'm here, teaching classes, 00:27:11.254 --> 00:27:15.342 align:center but I don't know what the disconnect with my body is. 00:27:16.926 --> 00:27:20.889 align:center One of the reasons I love movement so much is because it's fleeting. 00:27:20.972 --> 00:27:22.766 align:center Once it comes out, it's done. 00:27:24.434 --> 00:27:27.896 align:center I'm happier when I'm moving more. 00:27:28.396 --> 00:27:31.775 align:center But literally, the last thing I wanna do is move. 00:27:32.776 --> 00:27:35.904 align:center So, yeah, I don't-- I don't know what's happening. 00:27:36.738 --> 00:27:40.283 align:center All right, dancers, come out onto the floor if you're taking class. 00:27:41.951 --> 00:27:46.247 align:center How am I supposed to motivate these kids if I can't even motivate myself? 00:27:47.499 --> 00:27:48.875 align:center What time are you getting here? 00:27:57.300 --> 00:27:59.511 align:center Told you you're not allowed to film me while I'm sleeping. 00:27:59.594 --> 00:28:03.515 align:center Well, you're awake. 00:28:04.140 --> 00:28:05.600 align:center Good night. 00:28:05.684 --> 00:28:06.685 align:center Bye. 00:28:06.768 --> 00:28:09.896 align:center You have to do a dance in front of the window 'cause the shot's good. 00:28:09.979 --> 00:28:10.855 align:center Like… 00:28:10.939 --> 00:28:13.733 align:center I can see your silhouette like Beyoncé. 00:28:13.817 --> 00:28:14.901 align:center If only. 00:28:15.402 --> 00:28:17.612 align:center -I always request a bathtub. -Uh-huh. 00:28:17.696 --> 00:28:20.407 align:center That's why I got put back in this building because I think-- 00:28:20.490 --> 00:28:23.201 align:center -It's a bathtub building? -It's a bathtub building. 00:28:23.284 --> 00:28:25.870 align:center I was having panic attacks last night. 00:28:25.954 --> 00:28:28.748 align:center Which is so dumb because I'm prepared. Like… 00:28:28.832 --> 00:28:31.000 align:center And I've been doing this for over a decade. 00:28:31.084 --> 00:28:33.086 align:center -Yeah. -But it just never get-- 00:28:33.169 --> 00:28:35.714 align:center To me, it gets just harder. It doesn't get easier. 00:28:35.797 --> 00:28:37.716 align:center -Really, why? -Yeah, I don't know. 00:28:37.799 --> 00:28:39.050 align:center I guess, like… 00:28:39.676 --> 00:28:42.345 align:center I don't know. It just doesn't get easier. 'Cause I feel like-- 00:28:42.846 --> 00:28:44.389 align:center More is expected from you? 00:28:44.472 --> 00:28:46.433 align:center Not expected, but like… 00:28:48.268 --> 00:28:51.396 align:center I'm like never getting to a place where I'm phoning it in. 00:28:51.479 --> 00:28:54.149 align:center I'm still trying to do new things all the time. 00:28:54.232 --> 00:28:55.650 align:center -Yeah. -So… 00:28:55.734 --> 00:28:58.403 align:center -But do you want to phone it in? -No. 00:28:59.112 --> 00:29:00.739 align:center Let's just… 00:29:00.822 --> 00:29:02.615 align:center Let's take a breath together. 00:29:04.659 --> 00:29:07.287 align:center Exhale. 00:29:07.370 --> 00:29:12.083 align:center And just take a moment to remember why you are here. 00:29:14.669 --> 00:29:16.880 align:center Are you sober? 00:29:16.963 --> 00:29:17.881 align:center Whoa. 00:29:18.673 --> 00:29:20.592 align:center -I am actually, yeah. -Yeah. 00:29:20.675 --> 00:29:23.553 align:center -Um, about three years. -Yeah. 00:29:24.179 --> 00:29:25.805 align:center Why did you stop drinking? 00:29:26.723 --> 00:29:27.765 align:center I needed to. 00:29:29.934 --> 00:29:33.730 align:center I really want to see you step inside of the movement. 00:29:33.813 --> 00:29:37.609 align:center Produce the movement from the inside out, make it yours from the top. 00:29:37.692 --> 00:29:41.112 align:center I want to be sober, but I'm struggling with it. 00:29:41.196 --> 00:29:43.531 align:center I want you to be generous with your approach 00:29:43.615 --> 00:29:45.533 align:center and generous with your spirit. 00:29:45.617 --> 00:29:48.286 align:center Don't worry about you right now. Let's affect the others. 00:29:48.369 --> 00:29:49.412 align:center Does that make sense? 00:29:49.496 --> 00:29:52.624 align:center And realizing that I really started drinking in college 00:29:52.707 --> 00:29:56.753 align:center when I was forced to, like, be part of more social community. 00:29:56.836 --> 00:29:58.671 align:center Ugh. Exactly. 00:29:59.255 --> 00:30:02.467 align:center So I've always really relied on it to, like, help me. 00:30:02.550 --> 00:30:03.384 align:center Me too. 00:30:04.302 --> 00:30:05.470 align:center It's far better without, 00:30:06.429 --> 00:30:09.140 align:center but it is not easier. 00:30:10.058 --> 00:30:12.101 align:center Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too. 00:30:12.185 --> 00:30:15.313 align:center And I just feel like I want to be done. 00:30:15.396 --> 00:30:16.231 align:center Yeah. 00:30:16.898 --> 00:30:17.982 align:center I want to be done. 00:30:18.733 --> 00:30:21.694 align:center Five, six, seven. Here we go. 00:30:21.778 --> 00:30:24.572 align:center One, two, three, four. 00:30:24.656 --> 00:30:25.949 align:center Back, 00:30:26.032 --> 00:30:27.450 align:center forward, again. 00:30:28.785 --> 00:30:30.036 align:center Three, four. 00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:31.162 align:center Back, 00:30:31.704 --> 00:30:33.081 align:center forward, again. 00:30:33.164 --> 00:30:35.625 align:center It's so much more than just the movement. 00:30:35.708 --> 00:30:37.335 align:center I like seeing the fight. 00:30:37.418 --> 00:30:38.753 align:center Forward. Again. 00:30:40.255 --> 00:30:42.715 align:center Three, four. Back. 00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:44.425 align:center Forward, again. 00:30:45.218 --> 00:30:47.262 align:center How long have you been working together? 00:30:47.345 --> 00:30:49.264 align:center Ten years, 11 years. 00:30:49.347 --> 00:30:50.348 align:center Again. 00:30:50.431 --> 00:30:52.225 align:center I've known Tay since she was 12. 00:30:52.308 --> 00:30:53.935 align:center -And how old are you now? -24. 00:30:54.018 --> 00:30:56.271 align:center I've been making dances on her since she was 12. 00:30:56.354 --> 00:30:57.480 align:center Yeah. Three. 00:30:57.564 --> 00:31:01.150 align:center That's it. There's something about your focus. It's everything here. 00:31:02.443 --> 00:31:04.112 align:center Three, four. 00:31:04.195 --> 00:31:05.530 align:center Back, 00:31:05.613 --> 00:31:06.948 align:center forward, again. 00:31:07.031 --> 00:31:09.784 align:center One, two, three, four. 00:31:09.868 --> 00:31:10.952 align:center Back, 00:31:11.035 --> 00:31:12.579 align:center forward, again. 00:31:14.080 --> 00:31:15.415 align:center Three, four. 00:31:15.498 --> 00:31:18.209 align:center Back, forward, again. 00:31:18.293 --> 00:31:22.088 align:center One, two, three, four. Back… 00:31:22.171 --> 00:31:24.674 align:center Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment 00:31:24.757 --> 00:31:26.843 align:center in social, occupational, 00:31:26.926 --> 00:31:29.721 align:center or other important areas of current functioning. 00:31:29.804 --> 00:31:32.348 align:center One, two, three, four. 00:31:32.432 --> 00:31:35.435 align:center Back, forward, again. 00:31:36.853 --> 00:31:40.690 align:center Three, four. Back, forward, again. 00:31:40.773 --> 00:31:44.402 align:center One, two, three, four, five… 00:31:44.485 --> 00:31:45.820 align:center Jenn, you okay, honey? 00:31:45.904 --> 00:31:47.113 align:center …eight… 00:31:48.156 --> 00:31:51.159 align:center -Do you not want to go to rehearsal today? -No, I do. I just… 00:31:52.035 --> 00:31:53.870 align:center I feel a little crazy. 00:31:55.622 --> 00:31:57.790 align:center What's making you feel crazy, honey? 00:31:58.458 --> 00:31:59.792 align:center I'm not sure. 00:32:04.839 --> 00:32:07.717 align:center It's okay to just have a panicky day sometimes. 00:32:24.359 --> 00:32:27.403 align:center The panic attacks seem to be happening a lot more. 00:32:28.154 --> 00:32:30.657 align:center And right out the gate in the beginning of the day, 00:32:31.449 --> 00:32:35.244 align:center so we laid on the couch for a few minutes and tried to get her to breathe. 00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:37.580 align:center Drew her a bath. 00:32:39.082 --> 00:32:42.043 align:center Danced around in my underwear a little bit. 00:32:42.126 --> 00:32:45.505 align:center Tried to just shock her brain from that terrible sight. 00:32:46.047 --> 00:32:49.175 align:center That got some laughs, but it-- You know, it's not lasting. 00:32:49.258 --> 00:32:50.343 align:center What do you feel? 00:32:50.927 --> 00:32:52.971 align:center I feel out of control. 00:32:53.054 --> 00:32:55.723 align:center My emotions come so much faster than my words. 00:32:55.807 --> 00:32:57.225 align:center -Yes. -That's what's hard. 00:32:57.308 --> 00:32:58.309 align:center Yes. 00:32:58.393 --> 00:33:02.480 align:center You're not recognizing that all of this is going on internally, 00:33:02.563 --> 00:33:07.151 align:center and you're pushing yourself to the extent that then it comes out, 00:33:07.235 --> 00:33:08.861 align:center and you're like, "What is all of this?" 00:33:08.945 --> 00:33:12.115 align:center But this has always been. It's just not been talked about. 00:33:12.198 --> 00:33:13.282 align:center -Yeah. -Yeah. 00:33:13.366 --> 00:33:15.868 align:center -And I can't tell what the emotion is. -Yeah. 00:33:15.952 --> 00:33:18.746 align:center It's just, like… large. 00:33:26.713 --> 00:33:28.297 align:center I think it's just too much. 00:33:28.381 --> 00:33:29.757 align:center I don't know how she does it. 00:33:49.152 --> 00:33:50.570 align:center It hurts. 00:34:11.257 --> 00:34:12.759 align:center It hurts to breathe. 00:34:19.474 --> 00:34:21.392 align:center Little bit of a pinch, okay? 00:34:24.812 --> 00:34:26.439 align:center Good job, babe. Good job. 00:34:26.522 --> 00:34:28.649 align:center So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up, 00:34:28.733 --> 00:34:31.277 align:center which has revealed that she has gallstones. 00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:33.988 align:center Now we have to have emergency surgery to have them removed. 00:34:34.072 --> 00:34:35.948 align:center So, she's pretty, uh… 00:34:36.032 --> 00:34:37.867 align:center She's hit pretty hard right now. 00:34:43.748 --> 00:34:44.665 align:center We'll come down. 00:34:53.299 --> 00:34:56.511 align:center This one is not under your control. 00:34:57.094 --> 00:35:00.181 align:center So I'm headed up to White Plains for Alex 00:35:00.264 --> 00:35:03.017 align:center because he is in the ER right now up at White Plains, 00:35:03.101 --> 00:35:06.729 align:center and Miguel, his husband, is out of town for work. 00:35:07.313 --> 00:35:10.983 align:center And so… I'm gonna go up, make sure he's okay. 00:35:12.443 --> 00:35:13.277 align:center Hi. 00:35:13.903 --> 00:35:15.113 align:center What a pair. 00:35:16.656 --> 00:35:18.366 align:center -Hey. -Yeah. 00:35:19.200 --> 00:35:21.410 align:center -Hey. -What's going on? 00:35:21.994 --> 00:35:24.664 align:center I am in the hospital too. 00:35:24.747 --> 00:35:26.666 align:center Whoo! 00:35:26.749 --> 00:35:29.001 align:center I would've been there, had I not been sliced open. 00:35:29.085 --> 00:35:30.294 align:center That is absolutely true. 00:35:31.504 --> 00:35:33.422 align:center I just got to Alex's house. 00:35:35.258 --> 00:35:37.176 align:center Um, got him situated. 00:35:37.260 --> 00:35:39.262 align:center He's being admitted to the hospital. 00:35:39.345 --> 00:35:42.181 align:center Well, he is admitted to the hospital. 00:35:42.682 --> 00:35:43.558 align:center Um… 00:35:44.267 --> 00:35:45.601 align:center Running some brain MRIs. 00:35:45.685 --> 00:35:48.604 align:center He's definitely not himself right now. 00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:51.983 align:center Uh, I definitely think it's more than, uh, burnout. 00:35:53.734 --> 00:35:55.486 align:center I'm pretty sure he's afraid. 00:35:55.570 --> 00:35:58.823 align:center And I know Miguel is rushing to get back here tomorrow. 00:36:01.409 --> 00:36:03.244 align:center And on the heels of Jenn, 00:36:03.786 --> 00:36:07.623 align:center and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure that just had to happen, 00:36:08.708 --> 00:36:11.002 align:center it's like all the people in my life that mean the most to me 00:36:11.085 --> 00:36:12.837 align:center are really going through it. 00:36:14.255 --> 00:36:16.507 align:center -Do you want to see my cuts? -Of course I do. 00:36:16.591 --> 00:36:19.802 align:center They pulled it, the gallbladder, out of this. 00:36:19.886 --> 00:36:22.138 align:center -Oh, interesting. -You look gorgeous. 00:36:24.473 --> 00:36:25.308 align:center No. 00:36:25.391 --> 00:36:27.977 align:center Not us both in the hospital in the same week. 00:36:28.060 --> 00:36:30.396 align:center I just wanted to see your guys' faces, 'cause it-- 00:36:30.479 --> 00:36:35.651 align:center We've all had some really tough weeks, and Ian is, you know, mama bear. 00:36:37.361 --> 00:36:39.030 align:center How are you doing? How you feeling? 00:36:39.113 --> 00:36:40.907 align:center Went to reload yesterday and today. 00:36:40.990 --> 00:36:47.205 align:center I'm just doing some really light movement, but I'm just walking, basically. 00:36:47.288 --> 00:36:49.999 align:center That's funny, we were literally in the same position, 00:36:50.082 --> 00:36:53.753 align:center because I'm just trying to walk in straight lines. 00:36:53.836 --> 00:36:55.212 align:center -Buddy. -I'll go over… 00:36:55.296 --> 00:36:56.464 align:center What's going on? 00:36:56.547 --> 00:37:00.843 align:center Well, I have, um, this thing called-- Do-- What was it called, Ian? 00:37:00.927 --> 00:37:02.178 align:center Guillain-Barré. 00:37:02.261 --> 00:37:04.513 align:center Guillain-Barré, sounds beautiful. 00:37:04.597 --> 00:37:08.851 align:center So it's like your autoimmune response goes into overdrive 00:37:08.935 --> 00:37:13.064 align:center and attacks your nerve cells that talk to your muscles to move. 00:37:13.147 --> 00:37:15.274 align:center It's like your proprioception is off. 00:37:15.358 --> 00:37:19.570 align:center Yeah, I have no idea what that word means, but yes. 00:37:19.654 --> 00:37:22.865 align:center Your body's going like, "Fuck this, we're going to attack everything." 00:37:22.949 --> 00:37:23.950 align:center Overreacting. 00:37:24.033 --> 00:37:26.369 align:center It can really be paralytic. 00:37:27.245 --> 00:37:30.581 align:center And as you know, we're always talking about mind-body connection. 00:37:30.665 --> 00:37:33.250 align:center It kind of puts all that kind of stuff in perspective, 00:37:33.334 --> 00:37:37.088 align:center because you really got to figure out what's important to you 00:37:37.171 --> 00:37:38.089 align:center and make it happen. 00:37:38.172 --> 00:37:40.258 align:center -Yeah. -While you still can. 00:37:40.341 --> 00:37:41.592 align:center Absolutely. 00:37:47.139 --> 00:37:49.308 align:center Yeah, keep going. 00:37:50.768 --> 00:37:51.769 align:center Love that. 00:37:54.063 --> 00:37:58.484 align:center Growing up, I always felt a little on the outside of my own family 00:37:58.567 --> 00:38:00.695 align:center or a little misunderstood. 00:38:02.279 --> 00:38:06.409 align:center That's why my chosen family now means so much to me. 00:38:06.492 --> 00:38:08.411 align:center We've just known each other for so long. 00:38:09.161 --> 00:38:10.454 align:center -Where are you going? -Up. 00:38:10.538 --> 00:38:12.248 align:center -How high? -Real high. 00:38:13.791 --> 00:38:16.294 align:center Six, seven, and an eight, we go. 00:38:17.086 --> 00:38:20.423 align:center That joy, I think that the more that you allow yourself 00:38:20.506 --> 00:38:24.468 align:center to kind of get back into what brings you pleasure in your field, 00:38:24.552 --> 00:38:26.595 align:center and you'll find that joy again. 00:38:30.057 --> 00:38:31.976 align:center Find the things that you love about it, 00:38:32.059 --> 00:38:33.978 align:center talk to the people that fill you up, 00:38:34.061 --> 00:38:36.230 align:center and surround yourself with those people 00:38:36.314 --> 00:38:40.151 align:center and try to have fun and find the fun in what you do again. 00:38:47.992 --> 00:38:48.951 align:center Wow. 00:38:50.077 --> 00:38:54.665 align:center Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in. 00:38:55.791 --> 00:38:57.626 align:center Are you gonna be okay? 00:38:57.710 --> 00:38:58.711 align:center Always. 00:38:59.670 --> 00:39:01.839 align:center -I'm sorry. -It's okay. 00:39:01.922 --> 00:39:03.716 align:center -It's how it goes. -Yeah. 00:39:04.508 --> 00:39:07.178 align:center Can't feel the ups if you don't feel the downs. 00:39:09.472 --> 00:39:12.475 align:center Do you feel the need to give inspirational quotes right now? 00:39:12.558 --> 00:39:13.559 align:center Yeah. 00:39:13.642 --> 00:39:15.978 align:center What other quotes do you think people should know? 00:39:16.062 --> 00:39:19.106 align:center You know… 00:39:19.190 --> 00:39:21.692 align:center I've always thought, and this is an original idea… 00:39:24.987 --> 00:39:28.491 align:center Be the change that you wish to see in the world. 00:39:30.368 --> 00:39:31.911 align:center -Wow. That's deep. -Yeah. 00:39:33.079 --> 00:39:37.249 align:center Be the change you wish to see in the world. 00:39:42.922 --> 00:39:47.426 align:center If movement is what tells your stories and tells your emotions, 00:39:47.510 --> 00:39:50.054 align:center I think that's where you need to be right now. 00:39:50.930 --> 00:39:53.891 align:center I know… what to do. 00:39:55.643 --> 00:39:59.397 align:center It feels like I have a message to share, 00:39:59.480 --> 00:40:01.857 align:center which is why I know that my dancing is still there. 00:40:02.608 --> 00:40:04.485 align:center Your dance is absolutely with you. 00:40:06.153 --> 00:40:09.824 align:center So that tells you a lot about what you need to do for yourself. 00:40:18.749 --> 00:40:20.918 align:center I've always understood the world around me 00:40:21.001 --> 00:40:23.963 align:center and my place in it by making dance. 00:40:24.755 --> 00:40:26.841 align:center I've learned so much. 00:40:29.552 --> 00:40:31.679 align:center I wanna share it with the world. 00:40:33.055 --> 00:40:34.890 align:center It's time to make something. 00:40:35.850 --> 00:40:37.768 align:center You'll find that joy again. 00:40:39.854 --> 00:40:40.771 align:center Let's begin. 00:40:41.355 --> 00:40:46.902 align:center You got this in the bag Literally in the bag, you're loving it 00:40:46.986 --> 00:40:51.365 align:center All the possibilities are endless 00:40:51.449 --> 00:40:52.366 align:center What are they? 00:40:52.450 --> 00:40:53.409 align:center Endless! 00:40:53.492 --> 00:40:55.327 align:center -Who are we? Perfect. -Perfect 00:40:55.411 --> 00:40:58.539 align:center We are perfect people In a perfect space 00:40:58.622 --> 00:41:02.626 align:center And we honor it With such grace and grace 00:41:02.710 --> 00:41:07.590 align:center And we boop, boop, boop, boo! 00:41:07.715 --> 00:41:09.133 align:center All right! 00:41:10.134 --> 00:41:14.180 align:center Everything that you bring is magic and beautiful and meant to be. 00:41:14.263 --> 00:41:16.223 align:center Thank you for all saying yes. 00:41:16.891 --> 00:41:18.684 align:center Let's make a show. 00:41:18.767 --> 00:41:20.686 align:center Yeah. 00:41:20.769 --> 00:41:26.984 align:center Do you have any interest in telling this group how you realized? 00:41:27.067 --> 00:41:30.196 align:center When I realized that this is me, 00:41:30.279 --> 00:41:34.575 align:center I was completely uneducated… about autism, 00:41:35.075 --> 00:41:36.702 align:center a hundred percent uneducated. 00:41:36.785 --> 00:41:38.871 align:center I think most of you know the story, 00:41:38.954 --> 00:41:41.832 align:center but I realized I might be autistic 00:41:41.916 --> 00:41:45.377 align:center while watching Alex's docu-series about Amy Schumer. 00:41:46.795 --> 00:41:50.341 align:center Uh, following Amy's pregnancy, creation of a comedy special, 00:41:50.424 --> 00:41:54.386 align:center but there was a sidebar in the film about Amy's husband, Chris. 00:41:54.470 --> 00:42:00.434 align:center And in the film, he ends up receiving a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. 00:42:01.644 --> 00:42:05.856 align:center The way it was shown in the documentary was so-- Just suddenly. 00:42:05.940 --> 00:42:07.441 align:center She loved this amazing guy. 00:42:07.525 --> 00:42:09.652 align:center There was a disconnect in the way they communicated. 00:42:09.735 --> 00:42:11.070 align:center So they went to a doctor. 00:42:11.153 --> 00:42:14.323 align:center And it was when I was watching this episode 00:42:14.406 --> 00:42:17.743 align:center that I had the epiphany that I too was autistic. 00:42:17.826 --> 00:42:21.080 align:center I had never thought this about myself before. 00:42:21.163 --> 00:42:25.334 align:center It was when I was watching… you speak 00:42:25.417 --> 00:42:29.129 align:center and then, like, the way that your family was speaking about you. 00:42:29.213 --> 00:42:31.423 align:center I still-- I don't know what it was. 00:42:31.507 --> 00:42:36.637 align:center And I was like, "I really relate to whatever is happening." 00:42:36.720 --> 00:42:41.308 align:center They identify that you're different, but then they don't ever tell you that. 00:42:41.392 --> 00:42:47.606 align:center If you're with someone on the spectrum, you have to… love that about them. 00:42:47.690 --> 00:42:49.567 align:center The way that I found out about myself 00:42:49.650 --> 00:42:52.444 align:center was because someone else had the courage to share their story. 00:42:52.528 --> 00:42:54.280 align:center That's why I want to make this show. 00:42:54.363 --> 00:42:55.906 align:center I remember the moment I realized, 00:42:55.990 --> 00:42:59.410 align:center and it literally felt like the world just cracked open. 00:42:59.493 --> 00:43:02.288 align:center I think in most realizations you feel-- 00:43:02.371 --> 00:43:03.831 align:center In something that huge, 00:43:03.914 --> 00:43:08.210 align:center is that you feel the world coming down on you, 00:43:08.294 --> 00:43:10.921 align:center but you felt the world cracking open. 00:43:11.005 --> 00:43:13.048 align:center And I think there's something really beautiful 00:43:13.132 --> 00:43:19.263 align:center about needing to feel like what you feel and the way you see is real, 00:43:19.930 --> 00:43:21.724 align:center and that "It is my brain." 00:43:22.224 --> 00:43:27.313 align:center An actual trait of autism, especially Level 1, is masking. 00:43:27.396 --> 00:43:29.732 align:center It just goes hand in hand. Um… 00:43:29.815 --> 00:43:34.737 align:center This idea that, like, you're not "allowed" to exist as your real self. 00:43:34.820 --> 00:43:39.616 align:center So you make a habit of, like, starting to mask different aspects of yourself. 00:43:39.700 --> 00:43:43.287 align:center And over time it builds and builds and builds to a point where, like, 00:43:43.370 --> 00:43:46.874 align:center you don't even consciously realize that you're doing it. 00:43:47.374 --> 00:43:50.336 align:center Once you realize you're doing it and you have the desire to stop, 00:43:50.419 --> 00:43:52.004 align:center it's nearly impossible. 00:43:52.087 --> 00:43:55.424 align:center And also like this idea of knowing who you are 00:43:55.507 --> 00:43:59.636 align:center underneath all of that also feels impossible. 00:44:01.305 --> 00:44:04.600 align:center We have footage going all the way back to Jenn's ultrasound. 00:44:04.683 --> 00:44:06.602 align:center Her father filmed everything. 00:44:06.685 --> 00:44:09.021 align:center Can you tell me about what you're putting together? 00:44:10.189 --> 00:44:12.066 align:center It's hard to explain. 00:44:12.566 --> 00:44:16.695 align:center Trying to build this analysis environment of Jenn's diagnosis, 00:44:16.779 --> 00:44:21.200 align:center an expression of how she survived through movement 00:44:21.283 --> 00:44:24.953 align:center and how she created a lot of her vocabulary 00:44:25.037 --> 00:44:29.416 align:center through her stimming, her tics, her anxieties. 00:44:29.500 --> 00:44:33.003 align:center When I was little, I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy. 00:44:33.087 --> 00:44:35.673 align:center It made everything disappear, literally. 00:44:36.298 --> 00:44:38.133 align:center So it's an analysis of an evolution 00:44:38.217 --> 00:44:41.845 align:center of a movement vocabulary she didn't realize she was making. 00:44:43.180 --> 00:44:47.726 align:center It's almost like I make the movement from an instinctual place, 00:44:47.810 --> 00:44:50.062 align:center and then I'm able to look back on it 00:44:50.145 --> 00:44:52.564 align:center and understand what I was feeling at the time. 00:44:55.442 --> 00:44:59.405 align:center What you did is took dance and made that your way of regulating 00:44:59.488 --> 00:45:02.783 align:center from when you were little and you flapped your hands and you'd spin. 00:45:02.866 --> 00:45:05.160 align:center -Twirl! -They became very positive. 00:45:05.244 --> 00:45:07.871 align:center So I think dance connected you in so many ways 00:45:07.955 --> 00:45:12.668 align:center to people in the dance world that said, "Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend," 00:45:12.751 --> 00:45:15.504 align:center because you were so into what they were into. 00:45:15.587 --> 00:45:18.006 align:center Spin me! 00:45:18.090 --> 00:45:21.135 align:center That's what's been so powerful for me to think about. 00:45:21.218 --> 00:45:23.011 align:center When I was doing those things, 00:45:23.095 --> 00:45:25.264 align:center people said that I was dancing. 00:45:25.347 --> 00:45:27.474 align:center That repetition of movement really connected you. 00:45:27.558 --> 00:45:30.686 align:center And I think in your dance, that's communication, 00:45:30.769 --> 00:45:34.815 align:center and it's connected you with so many people 'cause you don't have to use your words. 00:45:34.898 --> 00:45:36.984 align:center You can use your body to say something. 00:45:37.568 --> 00:45:40.779 align:center You're an individual person looking at other individuals 00:45:40.863 --> 00:45:43.907 align:center that have an easier time at socially relating, 00:45:43.991 --> 00:45:46.952 align:center but they don't see the world in the beautiful way you do. 00:45:47.035 --> 00:45:49.913 align:center There's something to celebrate but not see in a negative light, 00:45:49.997 --> 00:45:51.290 align:center because they're really beautiful. 00:45:51.373 --> 00:45:52.791 align:center Dr. Kim… 00:45:52.875 --> 00:45:55.794 align:center -I know. She… -Can we just talk about Dr. Kim? 00:45:55.878 --> 00:45:58.255 align:center That is beautifully said to reassure 00:45:58.338 --> 00:46:01.341 align:center someone who has new information 00:46:01.425 --> 00:46:04.511 align:center that may literally shift the trajectory of her life. 00:46:07.681 --> 00:46:10.517 align:center Oh! 00:46:10.601 --> 00:46:12.603 align:center -There we go. -Perfection. 00:46:14.605 --> 00:46:20.194 align:center Sonya, she's been a constant in my career and my life. 00:46:20.944 --> 00:46:25.824 align:center There's no part of this piece that exists without the two of us coming together. 00:46:28.619 --> 00:46:30.621 align:center She told me on my roof, 00:46:30.704 --> 00:46:33.415 align:center I thought she was-- 00:46:35.459 --> 00:46:38.337 align:center She said, "I have something to tell you." I was like, "Oh fuck." 00:46:41.507 --> 00:46:43.258 align:center Got very serious. 00:46:43.342 --> 00:46:45.719 align:center And then what did I ask you? "Are you pregnant?" 00:46:45.803 --> 00:46:47.137 align:center -"Are you quitting?" -Yeah. 00:46:47.221 --> 00:46:48.096 align:center What did I do? 00:46:48.180 --> 00:46:50.474 align:center -It was all these questions. -Yeah. 00:46:50.557 --> 00:46:53.644 align:center -I was like, "I'm autistic." -And then I was like, "Oh!" 00:46:53.727 --> 00:46:54.978 align:center -Yeah, "Oh!" -"Oh!" 00:46:56.688 --> 00:46:59.900 align:center "Fuck yes. Okay. Like, now what?" 00:47:01.485 --> 00:47:03.070 align:center That's what makes it crazy. 00:47:03.153 --> 00:47:07.032 align:center It's not the actual diagnosis itself and the experience of being autistic. 00:47:07.115 --> 00:47:11.370 align:center It's going through almost 34 years of your life not knowing it. 00:47:11.870 --> 00:47:13.580 align:center We've had many experiences together, 00:47:13.664 --> 00:47:16.208 align:center and those experiences are part of this too. 00:47:18.585 --> 00:47:21.964 align:center Like, the struggles she's had in our friendship and our workplace. 00:47:22.047 --> 00:47:24.800 align:center I just wish I knew 00:47:26.009 --> 00:47:29.721 align:center because to be able to have an awareness 00:47:29.805 --> 00:47:36.395 align:center of how to have her live life but also live a life she sees as lighter… 00:47:39.106 --> 00:47:40.816 align:center Like, a little lighter. 00:47:42.693 --> 00:47:43.861 align:center I didn't know. 00:47:44.736 --> 00:47:46.238 align:center That's the point. 00:47:46.321 --> 00:47:50.409 align:center If you don't know, you don't even have a starting point. 00:47:50.492 --> 00:47:52.744 align:center -You don't even have a chance. -Yeah. 00:47:52.828 --> 00:47:55.163 align:center What's crazy is that you feel sad or bad about it, 00:47:55.247 --> 00:47:58.125 align:center but I felt the most seen by you. 00:47:59.710 --> 00:48:01.086 align:center That's ironic. 00:48:02.087 --> 00:48:04.047 align:center Let's make this show together. 00:48:05.549 --> 00:48:06.800 align:center Together. 00:48:08.176 --> 00:48:10.262 align:center Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry. 00:48:10.345 --> 00:48:12.681 align:center Love you But you're gonna lose your mind 00:48:12.764 --> 00:48:17.060 align:center I'm gonna do it In the musical theater fashion 00:48:17.144 --> 00:48:20.147 align:center Maybe you won't cry 00:48:23.066 --> 00:48:26.528 align:center Are these still my hands? 00:48:26.612 --> 00:48:28.947 align:center I can't feel them 00:48:29.906 --> 00:48:33.452 align:center Don't recognize them anymore… 00:48:34.536 --> 00:48:37.748 align:center I'm experiencing some serious burnout 00:48:37.831 --> 00:48:40.584 align:center at a level that, like, I've ever experienced before. 00:48:40.667 --> 00:48:43.003 align:center Literally not even being able to move. 00:48:43.086 --> 00:48:46.965 align:center So that's why, like, this process and to make this piece, 00:48:47.049 --> 00:48:50.010 align:center doing this now is serendipitous in a way 00:48:50.093 --> 00:48:54.473 align:center because… I feel so far away from, like, what I knew before 00:48:54.556 --> 00:48:58.602 align:center that, like, if I don't step into something like this now, 00:48:58.685 --> 00:49:00.896 align:center I feel like I might lose it. 00:49:00.979 --> 00:49:01.980 align:center -Yeah. -You know? 00:49:04.024 --> 00:49:09.029 align:center Like, I need to know myself back in this place that feels like home. 00:49:09.112 --> 00:49:10.572 align:center Like it used to. 00:49:12.115 --> 00:49:16.244 align:center Or else I don't know if I will step back into it. 00:49:17.955 --> 00:49:20.832 align:center I love these people. 00:49:20.916 --> 00:49:21.875 align:center They're family to me. 00:49:21.959 --> 00:49:26.004 align:center So there's something about the combination of hearing Kim 00:49:26.088 --> 00:49:28.632 align:center and then seeing them in the space. 00:49:28.715 --> 00:49:33.595 align:center Thank you so much to every single person in this room. 00:49:33.679 --> 00:49:37.849 align:center I don't know. It's like life and art meet 00:49:38.350 --> 00:49:42.312 align:center in this, like, really cool way that I've never experienced before for myself. 00:49:42.396 --> 00:49:46.316 align:center I've witnessed that happening for other people, but not for me. 00:49:46.400 --> 00:49:47.859 align:center So, it's really cool. 00:49:48.652 --> 00:49:51.822 align:center Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us since you put it… 00:49:51.905 --> 00:49:55.075 align:center So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 00:49:55.158 --> 00:49:57.411 align:center Do you have questions for me? 00:49:58.161 --> 00:50:00.330 align:center Oh! 00:50:00.414 --> 00:50:04.960 align:center -Yeah. -Okay! 00:50:05.043 --> 00:50:07.129 align:center -That's exciting. Hit it again. -Yeah. 00:50:08.630 --> 00:50:12.092 align:center Um, So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 00:50:12.175 --> 00:50:13.760 align:center Do you have questions for me? 00:50:13.844 --> 00:50:18.223 align:center That might be the fucking… thing that unlocks it. 00:50:18.306 --> 00:50:19.933 align:center -Yep. -"Yes, I do." 00:50:20.017 --> 00:50:23.562 align:center "And it's right-- And here are my questions." Literally. 00:50:24.354 --> 00:50:27.274 align:center That's great. Hit it again. Good job, Jenn. 00:50:27.357 --> 00:50:29.276 align:center Do you have questions for me? 00:50:29.359 --> 00:50:31.528 align:center Love it. Let's keep going. 00:50:38.368 --> 00:50:45.375 align:center I'm more than what you see 00:50:48.420 --> 00:50:49.629 align:center Look at this. 00:50:49.713 --> 00:50:52.007 align:center All my hair is breaking. 00:50:54.217 --> 00:50:56.303 align:center I'm literally losing, like, 00:50:57.262 --> 00:50:58.555 align:center tons of hair. 00:50:59.598 --> 00:51:01.224 align:center Look at this. 00:51:01.308 --> 00:51:02.601 align:center All broken. 00:51:03.560 --> 00:51:05.854 align:center And my hair is, like, falling out. 00:51:06.354 --> 00:51:08.315 align:center What is happening to me? 00:51:14.821 --> 00:51:17.449 align:center How long am I just gonna be like this? 00:51:28.376 --> 00:51:30.337 align:center -I don't feel good. -Hm? 00:51:30.420 --> 00:51:31.922 align:center I don't feel good. 00:51:36.051 --> 00:51:37.719 align:center Do you want to talk to Alex? 00:51:38.220 --> 00:51:40.263 align:center He deals with this stuff a lot too. 00:51:50.524 --> 00:51:51.858 align:center Alex. 00:51:51.942 --> 00:51:52.859 align:center What? 00:51:53.485 --> 00:51:54.945 align:center I'm gonna call Alex. 00:52:11.002 --> 00:52:12.379 align:center Still no? 00:52:16.967 --> 00:52:18.677 align:center Waiting for Alex to call me. 00:52:20.053 --> 00:52:22.138 align:center Okay. 00:52:27.185 --> 00:52:28.520 align:center Hey. It's Alex. 00:52:28.603 --> 00:52:29.479 align:center -Hey, guys. -Hey. 00:52:29.563 --> 00:52:31.690 align:center -Where have you been? -What's going on? 00:52:31.773 --> 00:52:32.899 align:center Uh… 00:52:33.608 --> 00:52:36.778 align:center Well, I was back in the hospital. 00:52:37.320 --> 00:52:38.697 align:center What happened? 00:52:38.780 --> 00:52:41.116 align:center It was the same thing that happened before. 00:52:41.199 --> 00:52:42.742 align:center That's awful. Why? 00:52:43.910 --> 00:52:50.625 align:center I have a variant of Guillain-Barré called Miller Fisher syndrome. 00:52:51.167 --> 00:52:54.838 align:center And it just keeps coming back again, again, and again. 00:52:54.921 --> 00:52:56.256 align:center How is this happening? 00:52:56.339 --> 00:52:58.508 align:center For me specifically, 00:52:58.592 --> 00:53:01.386 align:center they don't really know what has been causing it 00:53:01.469 --> 00:53:04.723 align:center other than mental and physical stress. 00:53:05.473 --> 00:53:10.020 align:center But this kind of stuff has been happening since I can remember. 00:53:10.103 --> 00:53:11.396 align:center What do you mean? 00:53:12.105 --> 00:53:15.150 align:center I really don't understand it. Um… 00:53:16.359 --> 00:53:19.154 align:center But it is part of something bigger, you know? 00:53:19.237 --> 00:53:20.530 align:center Do you want to share? 00:53:23.825 --> 00:53:25.035 align:center It affects me in a way 00:53:25.118 --> 00:53:28.455 align:center where I can't-- physically and mentally can't function. 00:53:28.538 --> 00:53:30.999 align:center Can you explain that a little bit more? 00:53:31.082 --> 00:53:34.377 align:center Well, I always understood what depression was 00:53:34.461 --> 00:53:36.671 align:center because I was always deep, deep in it. 00:53:37.631 --> 00:53:38.757 align:center I didn't realize that. 00:53:38.840 --> 00:53:40.634 align:center And I always knew the word "anxiety," 00:53:40.717 --> 00:53:43.428 align:center but for some reason, I didn't really know what it meant. 00:53:43.511 --> 00:53:46.139 align:center Once I really learned what it meant, 00:53:46.223 --> 00:53:48.725 align:center I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline." 00:53:51.937 --> 00:53:55.357 align:center The reality is that it's always like that for me. 00:53:55.440 --> 00:53:58.401 align:center I've had depression and anxiety, like, 00:53:58.902 --> 00:54:04.616 align:center for so long that I didn't even know that I was suffering 00:54:04.699 --> 00:54:07.994 align:center because I thought that that's just how life was. 00:54:09.496 --> 00:54:10.372 align:center Same. 00:54:11.665 --> 00:54:15.585 align:center -Yeah, I've been on medication for years. -Yeah. 00:54:15.669 --> 00:54:17.837 align:center It's taking away the edge, 00:54:17.921 --> 00:54:20.423 align:center but you still have these huge bouts of anxiety. 00:54:20.507 --> 00:54:22.592 align:center You still have these bouts of depression. 00:54:23.259 --> 00:54:25.220 align:center You literally couldn't be healthier. 00:54:25.303 --> 00:54:27.514 align:center -Yeah. -You couldn't exercise more. 00:54:27.597 --> 00:54:28.640 align:center You're also sober. 00:54:28.723 --> 00:54:32.269 align:center Like, what the fuck else are you supposed to do better? 00:54:32.352 --> 00:54:34.854 align:center -Yeah. -And then you're still feeling like this. 00:54:36.481 --> 00:54:38.274 align:center Well, basically, 00:54:38.858 --> 00:54:42.612 align:center I really feel like I could share this with you guys, uh, now. 00:54:43.196 --> 00:54:46.199 align:center We learned a while ago that I'm actually, um… 00:54:47.951 --> 00:54:49.035 align:center bipolar. 00:54:49.703 --> 00:54:53.957 align:center And… it, uh, affects me 00:54:54.040 --> 00:54:56.835 align:center in more ways than I would like to admit. 00:54:56.918 --> 00:55:00.255 align:center -My immune system can go bananas. -Yeah. 00:55:00.338 --> 00:55:04.426 align:center And then my body just… breaks down. 00:55:04.509 --> 00:55:05.593 align:center Same. 00:55:05.677 --> 00:55:07.012 align:center I'm void. 00:55:07.762 --> 00:55:09.014 align:center -Yeah. -I'm empty. 00:55:10.015 --> 00:55:11.975 align:center -There's nothing. -Yeah. 00:55:13.310 --> 00:55:16.646 align:center We're not working towards eliminating these episodes. 00:55:16.730 --> 00:55:17.897 align:center Right. 00:55:17.981 --> 00:55:22.360 align:center You're actually working towards accepting them as part of your life. 00:55:24.362 --> 00:55:26.323 align:center Aren't I supposed to be comforting you? 00:55:26.406 --> 00:55:27.532 align:center I understand. 00:55:27.615 --> 00:55:31.328 align:center But, like, knowing you're not alone, it's not your fault, 00:55:31.411 --> 00:55:36.124 align:center that's enough sometimes to just get someone, like, moving forward. 00:55:36.207 --> 00:55:39.169 align:center Thank you for listening. 00:55:39.252 --> 00:55:42.047 align:center Saying it out loud is-- That's the hardest part. 00:55:42.130 --> 00:55:44.841 align:center Well, you make it easier. 00:55:44.924 --> 00:55:47.969 align:center You and I still got some shit to figure out. 00:55:50.138 --> 00:55:53.224 align:center Do you feel sadness or do you feel relief right now? 00:55:54.017 --> 00:55:56.895 align:center No, I just feel like I'm changing. 00:56:03.443 --> 00:56:07.906 align:center I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad… 00:56:10.241 --> 00:56:11.326 align:center but good. 00:56:17.415 --> 00:56:19.709 align:center What type of changes are you feeling? 00:56:19.793 --> 00:56:24.339 align:center No, I think it's just letting go of, like, the idea of what I-- 00:56:24.422 --> 00:56:27.467 align:center Like, what I thought, um, I was. 00:56:29.052 --> 00:56:31.096 align:center Jennifer is a straight-A student, 00:56:31.179 --> 00:56:33.556 align:center who likes school and loves to dance. 00:56:33.640 --> 00:56:36.684 align:center When she is older, Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer. 00:56:36.768 --> 00:56:39.896 align:center Jennifer would like to thank her family for helping her so much with dance. 00:56:39.979 --> 00:56:41.940 align:center She loves them very much. 00:56:44.067 --> 00:56:46.986 align:center I was obsessed with it. 00:56:48.029 --> 00:56:49.781 align:center Always have been, always will be. 00:56:51.324 --> 00:56:57.330 align:center I liked that I lost myself in, like, the hard work and the dancing. 00:57:01.042 --> 00:57:04.546 align:center So would you say at those times you're at peace when you're dancing? 00:57:04.629 --> 00:57:06.256 align:center Yeah. 00:57:06.339 --> 00:57:09.676 align:center I think nothing else exists, 00:57:09.759 --> 00:57:14.973 align:center but I'm also going to a place of just ignoring my needs completely. 00:57:18.893 --> 00:57:20.895 align:center Being in the dance world, 00:57:20.979 --> 00:57:27.235 align:center you're constantly surrounded by people who are not honoring balance. 00:57:28.027 --> 00:57:30.989 align:center 'Cause it's just a culture of… 00:57:32.824 --> 00:57:34.117 align:center pushing. 00:57:39.664 --> 00:57:43.960 align:center Your pattern has been to just push until you fall over. 00:57:46.588 --> 00:57:49.799 align:center I actually burned out. 00:57:59.225 --> 00:58:00.810 align:center When we talked about burnout, 00:58:00.894 --> 00:58:06.274 align:center the lever, the switch for doing for people with ASD across the board 00:58:06.357 --> 00:58:08.776 align:center is that it goes all the way to the end. 00:58:08.860 --> 00:58:11.070 align:center And so, you know how to push yourself 00:58:11.154 --> 00:58:13.406 align:center to the point where you're falling onto the floor. 00:58:17.702 --> 00:58:24.709 align:center How do I know When I'm finished? 00:58:26.377 --> 00:58:30.798 align:center 'Cause when I'm finished 00:58:30.882 --> 00:58:36.888 align:center There's always more to do More to do, more to do 00:58:36.971 --> 00:58:42.227 align:center More to do, more to, more 00:58:42.310 --> 00:58:43.436 align:center More 00:58:43.520 --> 00:58:44.896 align:center I feel crazy. 00:58:47.941 --> 00:58:50.235 align:center I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know… 00:58:51.694 --> 00:58:52.946 align:center anything. 00:58:56.824 --> 00:58:58.868 align:center I feel scared, 00:59:00.161 --> 00:59:01.454 align:center and… 00:59:04.457 --> 00:59:05.959 align:center I didn't know that… 00:59:08.461 --> 00:59:10.129 align:center it was gonna be this hard… 00:59:15.009 --> 00:59:16.886 align:center learning all of this about myself. 00:59:16.970 --> 00:59:23.935 align:center No time to wait 00:59:24.018 --> 00:59:25.937 align:center Or think 00:59:26.813 --> 00:59:30.817 align:center How do I know how? 00:59:30.900 --> 00:59:33.736 align:center There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 00:59:34.988 --> 00:59:39.200 align:center and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 00:59:39.284 --> 00:59:42.578 align:center Just makes it… a lot more real. 00:59:43.538 --> 00:59:44.998 align:center Go 00:59:47.417 --> 00:59:50.086 align:center Go 00:59:52.255 --> 00:59:54.424 align:center It's hard because you are so tired, and that's… 00:59:54.507 --> 00:59:56.509 align:center When we talk about "all or nothing" thinking, 00:59:56.593 --> 00:59:58.094 align:center it's "all or nothing" doing. 00:59:58.177 --> 01:00:00.805 align:center Go, go, go, go 01:00:00.888 --> 01:00:02.890 align:center You also have a tendency to do the extreme. 01:00:02.974 --> 01:00:06.769 align:center So it's almost like you run yourself completely into the ground, 01:00:06.853 --> 01:00:10.273 align:center and your body's just like, "Wait a second, we have to stop." 01:00:12.817 --> 01:00:16.279 align:center Keep going, go, go 01:00:18.573 --> 01:00:20.491 align:center Yeah. How is your hip? 01:00:20.575 --> 01:00:22.243 align:center It's been really bad. 01:00:22.327 --> 01:00:26.623 align:center I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping. 01:00:26.706 --> 01:00:28.666 align:center So it's starting to feel a little scary. 01:00:28.750 --> 01:00:30.251 align:center Go 01:00:33.963 --> 01:00:35.673 align:center Does anything make it feel better? 01:00:35.757 --> 01:00:36.799 align:center If I'm being honest, 01:00:36.883 --> 01:00:39.427 align:center I've had chronic pain since I was a teenager. 01:00:39.510 --> 01:00:40.970 align:center Shh 01:00:41.054 --> 01:00:42.055 align:center Right there. 01:00:42.138 --> 01:00:45.266 align:center Do more, go 01:00:45.350 --> 01:00:48.269 align:center And have you been to someone that's looked at all your blood work 01:00:48.353 --> 01:00:51.272 align:center to look to see if there's anything going on that's autoimmune? 01:00:51.356 --> 01:00:52.940 align:center And I know we talked about this, 01:00:53.024 --> 01:00:57.070 align:center but there's a higher correlation of autoimmune and ASD. 01:00:57.570 --> 01:00:59.447 align:center Go 01:01:00.531 --> 01:01:03.785 align:center My markers for lupus were… 01:01:03.868 --> 01:01:05.536 align:center Go 01:01:05.620 --> 01:01:06.454 align:center …high. 01:01:08.539 --> 01:01:11.292 align:center Go… 01:01:11.376 --> 01:01:14.337 align:center You have a different scenario than a lot of other dancers. 01:01:14.420 --> 01:01:17.256 align:center You have this underlying diagnosis, autoimmune issue. 01:01:17.340 --> 01:01:20.343 align:center I know that stress can kick off a reaction. 01:01:20.426 --> 01:01:22.136 align:center Don't worry about the money now. 01:01:22.220 --> 01:01:25.515 align:center -I don't wanna self-produce a show again. -You're not going to. 01:01:25.598 --> 01:01:28.434 align:center Especially a show that I'm performing in. 01:01:28.518 --> 01:01:32.522 align:center The biggest grant that we applied for, we didn't get. 01:01:32.605 --> 01:01:34.482 align:center We were finalists, so we were close, 01:01:34.565 --> 01:01:36.067 align:center but it's always a big bummer 01:01:36.150 --> 01:01:39.737 align:center because it's kind of a start-over with fundraising now. 01:01:40.238 --> 01:01:43.825 align:center You have been taught to endure pain. 01:01:43.908 --> 01:01:46.285 align:center You've been taught to endure discomfort. 01:01:46.369 --> 01:01:48.413 align:center What should I do? 01:01:48.496 --> 01:01:50.331 align:center So that's where I just get overwhelmed. 01:01:51.124 --> 01:01:52.417 align:center More 01:01:52.500 --> 01:01:54.585 align:center I just want to focus on one thing. 01:01:57.922 --> 01:02:00.842 align:center Everything besides my show, like teaching and choreographing, 01:02:00.925 --> 01:02:02.760 align:center they're not just side jobs. 01:02:03.928 --> 01:02:05.596 align:center I put everything into them. 01:02:06.764 --> 01:02:09.559 align:center But it's just what it takes from me. 01:02:09.642 --> 01:02:13.771 align:center No time to wait 01:02:13.855 --> 01:02:16.774 align:center No time to think 01:02:16.858 --> 01:02:19.902 align:center No time to feel 01:02:19.986 --> 01:02:22.739 align:center Should I do more? 01:02:22.822 --> 01:02:25.116 align:center I'll do more 01:02:25.199 --> 01:02:27.743 align:center I'll do more 01:02:27.827 --> 01:02:34.834 align:center Do more 01:02:38.671 --> 01:02:42.300 align:center And that's a huge drain to kind of go through that 01:02:42.383 --> 01:02:43.926 align:center and to reveal yourself. 01:02:44.010 --> 01:02:45.761 align:center And that's why, as you're saying, 01:02:45.845 --> 01:02:49.015 align:center "I've been through a lot, and I just want to be still." 01:03:04.322 --> 01:03:07.074 align:center I'm just trying to, like, keep showing up every day. 01:03:07.158 --> 01:03:10.161 align:center -Yeah. -Whether I know what I'm doing or not. 01:03:15.291 --> 01:03:19.212 align:center Go, go, go 01:03:20.505 --> 01:03:25.009 align:center What should I do more? 01:03:27.803 --> 01:03:31.641 align:center Should I do more? 01:03:32.600 --> 01:03:39.440 align:center Should I? Should I? Should I? 01:03:39.524 --> 01:03:40.983 align:center Should I? 01:03:41.067 --> 01:03:43.569 align:center It's the cost of our living that's burning you out? 01:03:43.653 --> 01:03:47.865 align:center Yeah, I just need the burden of supporting our lifestyle to go away. 01:03:48.658 --> 01:03:50.618 align:center We can also cancel your show 01:03:50.701 --> 01:03:53.788 align:center because the last thing you should be doing the show for is for the other, 01:03:53.871 --> 01:03:56.123 align:center the outside world, Sonya or Alex or-- 01:03:56.207 --> 01:03:59.460 align:center I'm not. I want to make this show. 01:04:00.962 --> 01:04:04.674 align:center But that's all I want to do. I don't want to do anything else. 01:04:04.757 --> 01:04:05.883 align:center Let's make that happen. 01:04:05.967 --> 01:04:11.889 align:center Should I do more? 01:04:11.973 --> 01:04:14.225 align:center I'll do more… 01:04:14.308 --> 01:04:16.018 align:center You gotta lean on me, boo. 01:04:16.102 --> 01:04:18.437 align:center You're not putting anything on me. You're my sister. 01:04:18.521 --> 01:04:22.024 align:center -How do you have capacity? -You're-- I'm obsessed. 01:04:22.108 --> 01:04:23.442 align:center I'm obsessed with dance. 01:04:23.526 --> 01:04:24.694 align:center I'm obsessed with ideas. 01:04:24.777 --> 01:04:27.697 align:center I'm obsessed with my soul sister feeling better. 01:04:28.364 --> 01:04:32.034 align:center Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it. 01:04:32.118 --> 01:04:35.955 align:center I'm only in this for, like, the reason of sharing. 01:04:36.038 --> 01:04:37.498 align:center It's the little ripples, you know? 01:04:37.582 --> 01:04:41.836 align:center The most important thing is the people who need to see this piece see the piece. 01:04:41.919 --> 01:04:43.671 align:center That's a lot of people. 01:04:43.754 --> 01:04:45.172 align:center We'll find a way. 01:04:45.256 --> 01:04:47.675 align:center I know the show is happening. Like, I see that. 01:04:48.301 --> 01:04:50.219 align:center Like, that I know in my soul. 01:04:50.303 --> 01:04:53.598 align:center I don't know where or when it's happening. And I don't know how it's happening. 01:04:56.142 --> 01:05:01.522 align:center So much of this career is maybe not super healthy for me. 01:05:02.440 --> 01:05:07.486 align:center Yes, it's been all the great things, but I would not recommend it for everyone. 01:05:08.446 --> 01:05:10.906 align:center It's just my special interest, 01:05:10.990 --> 01:05:14.327 align:center and what was helpful for me was dance. 01:05:15.328 --> 01:05:18.289 align:center What are you scared about the most 01:05:18.372 --> 01:05:20.750 align:center when you think of packing up and leaving the city? 01:05:21.459 --> 01:05:23.252 align:center Now that you know it's happening. 01:05:23.336 --> 01:05:25.504 align:center Just a lot of change all at once. 01:05:25.588 --> 01:05:29.634 align:center And I… don't know what the future looks like. 01:05:29.717 --> 01:05:31.260 align:center We're selling our dream home 01:05:31.844 --> 01:05:35.765 align:center that we now no longer can justifiably keep. 01:05:35.848 --> 01:05:38.809 align:center Can't afford it, making the art that I wanna be making. 01:05:38.893 --> 01:05:42.647 align:center Yeah, I made the decision to cancel everything this fall. 01:05:42.730 --> 01:05:45.399 align:center I don't know what's gonna happen. I've never done this before. 01:05:45.483 --> 01:05:48.569 align:center I just turned down $50,000 worth of work. 01:05:48.653 --> 01:05:50.696 align:center You said five, right? Not 50? 01:05:51.197 --> 01:05:56.202 align:center -Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work -Oh. 01:05:56.285 --> 01:05:58.287 align:center Feels good. Oh, yeah. 01:05:59.830 --> 01:06:02.124 align:center Okay, here we go. Cheers. 01:06:02.208 --> 01:06:04.001 align:center Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore. 01:06:06.754 --> 01:06:11.092 align:center Yeah, I have no fucking clue what's next other than this show. 01:06:11.175 --> 01:06:15.805 align:center It feels like taking steps back to take steps forward, for sure. 01:06:15.888 --> 01:06:17.390 align:center That's like us, babe. 01:06:17.473 --> 01:06:19.684 align:center -The two street rats? -Yeah, from Jersey. 01:06:19.767 --> 01:06:22.478 align:center -Two street rats moving to Jersey. -You're the fatter one. 01:06:22.561 --> 01:06:24.647 align:center I'm the fat--? 01:06:25.940 --> 01:06:28.984 align:center Well, we won't be walking distance from this view anymore. 01:06:29.068 --> 01:06:30.027 align:center No, ma'am. 01:06:30.111 --> 01:06:32.113 align:center But I imagine that even if we fail forward, 01:06:32.196 --> 01:06:35.866 align:center we'll be better off than staying here watching the ducks swim by. 01:06:36.367 --> 01:06:37.660 align:center Also, straight line. 01:06:37.743 --> 01:06:40.371 align:center They're saying, "Get your ducks in a row." 01:06:40.454 --> 01:06:42.957 align:center -It's what balance feels like. -Yeah. 01:06:43.040 --> 01:06:44.166 align:center Maybe in your work, 01:06:44.250 --> 01:06:47.545 align:center you're going to help redefine that for the dance world. 01:06:51.298 --> 01:06:53.592 align:center Pushing as an athlete is important, 01:06:53.676 --> 01:06:55.261 align:center but the rest is important. 01:06:55.344 --> 01:06:57.471 align:center The nutrition is important, the balance. 01:06:57.555 --> 01:07:01.267 align:center Your mind, your health, your emotions, all of that's a part of that. 01:07:01.350 --> 01:07:03.936 align:center And I would imagine that when that's all in balance, 01:07:04.020 --> 01:07:06.605 align:center you're going to have the most incredible performance. 01:07:06.689 --> 01:07:10.776 align:center Yeah, that's what I'm wanting to find, what that looks like. 01:07:10.860 --> 01:07:12.278 align:center Thank you, Jennifer. 01:07:12.361 --> 01:07:14.321 align:center -Yeah, I like that, what that looks like. -Yeah. 01:07:14.405 --> 01:07:16.407 align:center -Yeah, because you don't know it yet. -Mm. 01:07:16.490 --> 01:07:17.533 align:center But you're finding it. 01:07:19.118 --> 01:07:20.578 align:center The best type of art is the art 01:07:20.661 --> 01:07:23.539 align:center is the art you're not totally aware you're making. 01:07:23.622 --> 01:07:26.000 align:center You're just ever present in it. 01:07:26.792 --> 01:07:30.546 align:center Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now through a new set of eyes myself, 01:07:30.629 --> 01:07:34.258 align:center and starting to understand what may have connected me to Jenn in the first place, 01:07:34.341 --> 01:07:38.012 align:center and what connected her to me, and why we so quickly just… 01:07:38.929 --> 01:07:40.973 align:center I'm trying to grapple this grit factor 01:07:41.057 --> 01:07:44.101 align:center of growing up a punk-ass sad kid in the '90s 01:07:44.185 --> 01:07:45.603 align:center that drank way too much too young, 01:07:45.686 --> 01:07:49.482 align:center where you just shove your shit down and be tough and get through. 01:07:49.565 --> 01:07:54.403 align:center I gotta let go of that old Ian completely, and that's been pretty fucking hard, 01:07:54.487 --> 01:07:57.948 align:center doing that in tandem with her right now in this time. 01:08:00.993 --> 01:08:02.495 align:center My head hurts so bad. 01:08:02.578 --> 01:08:03.662 align:center Where are the keys? 01:08:04.246 --> 01:08:05.873 align:center Did I have the keys? 01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:09.001 align:center Be right back. 01:08:09.835 --> 01:08:11.504 align:center He seems stressed. 01:08:13.714 --> 01:08:16.300 align:center -He's going through it right now. -Okay. 01:08:33.526 --> 01:08:38.197 align:center I'm having my last bath in our New York City apartment, 01:08:38.280 --> 01:08:40.658 align:center but I think it's all good. 01:08:40.741 --> 01:08:43.077 align:center We're moving to Jersey for a little while. 01:08:43.160 --> 01:08:44.995 align:center For who knows how long, actually. 01:08:47.623 --> 01:08:48.624 align:center But first… 01:08:50.835 --> 01:08:57.842 align:center Take me home 01:09:03.097 --> 01:09:06.725 align:center Take me… 01:09:06.809 --> 01:09:09.436 align:center Persistent deficits in social communication 01:09:09.520 --> 01:09:12.731 align:center and social interaction across multiple contexts. 01:09:12.815 --> 01:09:19.446 align:center Take me home 01:09:21.073 --> 01:09:27.496 align:center Home 01:09:30.791 --> 01:09:33.419 align:center That was a really beautiful place for you to grow up,1 01:09:33.502 --> 01:09:38.382 align:center a place where you felt very secure and at home. 01:09:38.465 --> 01:09:40.718 align:center Being out in nature is very soothing. 01:09:41.886 --> 01:09:42.887 align:center Jenn! 01:09:42.970 --> 01:09:44.555 align:center Damn it! 01:09:44.638 --> 01:09:47.391 align:center Less of an environment that is pressing on you 01:09:47.474 --> 01:09:51.395 align:center to have a response or to be sensory regulated. 01:09:54.440 --> 01:09:57.026 align:center At the same time that I'm having all of this clarity, 01:09:57.693 --> 01:10:00.613 align:center I also feel kind of adolescent in a way. 01:10:01.405 --> 01:10:05.075 align:center I really feel like I'm experiencing everything for the first time again. 01:10:05.159 --> 01:10:07.912 align:center I'm home 01:10:07.995 --> 01:10:11.415 align:center And so I have this instant desire to know where this came from. 01:10:14.376 --> 01:10:19.048 align:center It's just so confusing to me because there's so much love there, 01:10:19.131 --> 01:10:22.259 align:center but no chance of successful communication. 01:10:22.343 --> 01:10:23.344 align:center That's what it feels like. 01:10:24.929 --> 01:10:31.101 align:center But I just had this deep feeling that I had to leave. 01:10:31.185 --> 01:10:32.228 align:center Yeah. 01:10:33.062 --> 01:10:34.980 align:center I felt nothing leaving home. 01:10:40.444 --> 01:10:43.280 align:center Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviors 01:10:43.364 --> 01:10:45.532 align:center used for social interaction. 01:10:46.951 --> 01:10:51.372 align:center There's a difference between loving and needing. 01:10:52.456 --> 01:10:55.125 align:center You haven't ever really needed me. 01:10:55.626 --> 01:10:57.002 align:center Mom. 01:10:57.753 --> 01:10:59.421 align:center That's not true. 01:11:00.965 --> 01:11:04.802 align:center Jennifer… can you say, "Happy Mother's Day"? 01:11:05.469 --> 01:11:07.721 align:center Mother's Day. 01:11:07.805 --> 01:11:08.973 align:center Yeah. 01:11:09.056 --> 01:11:11.517 align:center I got called selfish a lot when I was little. 01:11:11.600 --> 01:11:12.559 align:center Let go! 01:11:12.643 --> 01:11:15.437 align:center What are you trying to push me away for? 01:11:16.021 --> 01:11:17.648 align:center More combative. 01:11:19.316 --> 01:11:22.194 align:center Told that I don't care about my family. 01:11:23.279 --> 01:11:24.530 align:center So I started to believe that. 01:11:25.489 --> 01:11:26.740 align:center Once you get a diagnosis 01:11:26.824 --> 01:11:30.661 align:center and then you also have the information that it's genetic or it runs in families, 01:11:30.744 --> 01:11:32.579 align:center you start to look at your family. 01:11:32.663 --> 01:11:36.875 align:center -You just threw a lot on my… brain. -Sorry. 01:11:38.335 --> 01:11:40.212 align:center I can't control her. 01:11:40.295 --> 01:11:42.715 align:center The way I was raised, when my mom said, "boo," 01:11:42.798 --> 01:11:44.216 align:center you jumped. 01:11:44.300 --> 01:11:46.385 align:center That's never, ever happened for me. 01:11:47.303 --> 01:11:50.139 align:center It feels like it really all stems from communication. 01:11:50.222 --> 01:11:51.223 align:center Yes. 01:11:51.307 --> 01:11:53.183 align:center That's the way I used to feel with my mom. 01:11:53.767 --> 01:11:56.770 align:center I can't communicate with this person. 01:11:56.854 --> 01:11:59.273 align:center It makes me feel insane. 01:11:59.356 --> 01:12:02.526 align:center When you say to me, "Why do you need to know?" 01:12:02.609 --> 01:12:05.029 align:center And "What's the point of getting a diagnosis?" 01:12:05.112 --> 01:12:08.407 align:center And "What changes things?" And "Who cares?" 01:12:08.490 --> 01:12:10.534 align:center I don't understand your world, 01:12:10.617 --> 01:12:12.703 align:center because you haven't shared it with me. 01:12:12.786 --> 01:12:14.663 align:center I haven't been able to let you in my world 01:12:14.747 --> 01:12:16.832 align:center because there's been a huge missing piece. 01:12:16.915 --> 01:12:20.419 align:center Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity. 01:12:21.587 --> 01:12:23.756 align:center Why are you going through all this stuff? 01:12:23.839 --> 01:12:26.175 align:center Just trying to find money for my show. 01:12:26.925 --> 01:12:28.260 align:center Trying to sell those dolls? 01:12:28.344 --> 01:12:30.429 align:center I'm seeing how much I could sell it for. 01:12:32.014 --> 01:12:36.268 align:center Each one of these really does represent so much hard work. 01:12:36.352 --> 01:12:39.563 align:center Thank God I found dance because I grew up in such a small town. 01:12:39.646 --> 01:12:42.316 align:center There wasn't a lot of opportunity, and, like, people don't leave. 01:12:42.399 --> 01:12:44.318 align:center As your mother said, had you not had dance, 01:12:44.401 --> 01:12:45.736 align:center you would've gone bad. 01:12:45.819 --> 01:12:47.571 align:center -Yeah. -Gone real bad. 01:12:48.697 --> 01:12:50.574 align:center With Idaho, I see it. 01:12:51.075 --> 01:12:52.910 align:center There's this whole populace of people 01:12:52.993 --> 01:12:55.871 align:center that never had access to mental health care. 01:12:55.954 --> 01:12:57.414 align:center Or it's not discussed. 01:12:57.498 --> 01:12:59.249 align:center Not a comfortable place to be… 01:12:59.333 --> 01:13:00.501 align:center I'm coming! 01:13:00.584 --> 01:13:02.878 align:center …anything that is considered other. 01:13:02.961 --> 01:13:05.923 align:center Jenn didn't fit into the equation of what that town is. 01:13:06.548 --> 01:13:08.175 align:center It's a really small town. 01:13:08.258 --> 01:13:11.720 align:center The population when I was growing up there was 700 or something like that. 01:13:11.804 --> 01:13:14.181 align:center -What's the name of your town? -Star. 01:13:14.264 --> 01:13:18.060 align:center Oh, my God. This is the birth book that has two pages full or something. 01:13:18.143 --> 01:13:19.144 align:center "Notes on behavior." 01:13:19.228 --> 01:13:22.648 align:center "Eight months old. You wanted to play with big kids, not the babies your age." 01:13:23.315 --> 01:13:26.360 align:center "At this age, you are very independent and argumentative." 01:13:26.443 --> 01:13:28.862 align:center "Sometimes I wonder if I will even make it through the day." 01:13:31.782 --> 01:13:33.325 align:center "You are very intelligent." 01:13:33.409 --> 01:13:35.285 align:center "You spell your name, count." 01:13:35.369 --> 01:13:38.080 align:center "You have a vocabulary that is amazing at times." 01:13:38.163 --> 01:13:40.124 align:center "Screams a lot. Screams a lot." 01:13:40.207 --> 01:13:41.458 align:center Is that in there? 01:13:41.542 --> 01:13:43.752 align:center -Let go! -You got it. Take it off. 01:13:43.836 --> 01:13:46.463 align:center -Let go! You don't… -You got it. 01:13:47.965 --> 01:13:49.174 align:center "Most important though, 01:13:49.258 --> 01:13:51.677 align:center we love you more than we ever thought possible." 01:13:51.760 --> 01:13:54.388 align:center "You are a wonderful child, and I couldn't trade you for anything." 01:13:54.471 --> 01:13:56.932 align:center "You are such a grown-up little girl." 01:13:58.100 --> 01:14:00.102 align:center "February 21, 1991." 01:14:03.397 --> 01:14:05.399 align:center Deficits in developing, maintaining 01:14:05.482 --> 01:14:07.526 align:center and understanding relationships. 01:14:09.069 --> 01:14:11.488 align:center Part of having autism, they say, is genetic. 01:14:12.656 --> 01:14:14.366 align:center This is dysfunctional. 01:14:14.450 --> 01:14:18.495 align:center Obviously your siblings and your family hold up a mirror to you. 01:14:19.371 --> 01:14:21.874 align:center -Fits right in then, right? -We're family. 01:14:23.333 --> 01:14:28.255 align:center All of these real-life revelations are happening simultaneously 01:14:28.338 --> 01:14:31.800 align:center with the creation of the show. 01:14:32.384 --> 01:14:34.469 align:center Hold your doll up so everybody can see it. 01:14:34.553 --> 01:14:37.639 align:center And so discoveries that are happening in my life 01:14:37.723 --> 01:14:43.770 align:center are ending up in front of me on stage in this really beautiful and organic way. 01:14:45.939 --> 01:14:52.654 align:center I will follow you… 01:14:54.823 --> 01:14:57.784 align:center Bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 01:14:57.868 --> 01:15:02.080 align:center Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 01:15:02.164 --> 01:15:04.291 align:center Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 01:15:04.374 --> 01:15:05.667 align:center I think you have it. 01:15:05.751 --> 01:15:09.880 align:center Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 01:15:10.923 --> 01:15:15.219 align:center Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 01:15:15.969 --> 01:15:19.389 align:center -She's cute. She didn't see me. -She can crawl, remember? 01:15:22.309 --> 01:15:24.603 align:center In a perfect world, 01:15:24.686 --> 01:15:27.648 align:center I could pull, like, tons. 01:15:27.731 --> 01:15:28.607 align:center Yeah. 01:15:29.441 --> 01:15:33.612 align:center Like there's a mountain of them at my feet when I'm done. 01:15:34.238 --> 01:15:35.197 align:center Yeah. 01:15:37.199 --> 01:15:39.368 align:center Can you say a couple words about this piece? 01:15:39.451 --> 01:15:41.203 align:center -What it means to you? -Yeah. 01:15:44.498 --> 01:15:46.375 align:center There's Robbyn's mom's house. 01:15:46.458 --> 01:15:48.043 align:center Hi, Grandma! 01:15:49.294 --> 01:15:51.338 align:center At my grandma's house, 01:15:52.464 --> 01:15:54.925 align:center I just have all these memories of play 01:15:55.008 --> 01:15:57.135 align:center and feeling really free. 01:15:59.179 --> 01:16:00.597 align:center Peek-a-boo! 01:16:00.681 --> 01:16:03.475 align:center She had this innate way of knowing 01:16:03.559 --> 01:16:08.522 align:center how to, like, let me do things over and over and over and over again. 01:16:08.605 --> 01:16:11.525 align:center So I just always felt really free because she would never stop me. 01:16:11.608 --> 01:16:14.152 align:center I'd play the same song a hundred times, 01:16:14.236 --> 01:16:16.405 align:center and she'd never say, "Okay, it's time to turn it off." 01:16:21.076 --> 01:16:24.413 align:center The tissues are because when I was little I couldn't skip. 01:16:24.496 --> 01:16:27.165 align:center Kim told me that's a common trait of an autistic child 01:16:27.249 --> 01:16:29.209 align:center is they have a hard time skipping. 01:16:29.293 --> 01:16:33.422 align:center And so my grandma taught me how to skip by giving me a box of tissues. 01:16:33.922 --> 01:16:36.091 align:center She'd say, "When you step, you grab the tissue, 01:16:36.174 --> 01:16:38.051 align:center and then when you hop, you throw it." 01:16:38.135 --> 01:16:39.553 align:center So that's how I learned how to skip. 01:16:39.636 --> 01:16:46.059 align:center And I remember the whole living room would just be, like, covered in tissues. 01:16:46.560 --> 01:16:48.270 align:center And she didn't make me clean them up 01:16:48.353 --> 01:16:51.106 align:center or feel bad about making a mess or anything like that. 01:16:51.189 --> 01:16:53.066 align:center But that's how I learned how to skip. 01:16:53.567 --> 01:16:56.194 align:center So that's where the tissue idea comes from. 01:16:56.695 --> 01:17:00.073 align:center She taught you how to move in a way that was rhythmic. 01:17:00.157 --> 01:17:03.035 align:center People with ASD often have a motor disfluency. 01:17:03.118 --> 01:17:06.455 align:center So they don't always have that rhythm to the way they move. 01:17:06.538 --> 01:17:08.999 align:center And that's why skipping was hard for you. 01:17:09.082 --> 01:17:11.543 align:center Your grandmother really walked you through that 01:17:11.626 --> 01:17:13.879 align:center in a very visual way with tissues 01:17:13.962 --> 01:17:16.465 align:center and was able to show you through stepping 01:17:16.548 --> 01:17:20.302 align:center as you pulled the tissues and hop as you tossed the tissue. 01:17:20.385 --> 01:17:22.596 align:center And once she did that, you had it. 01:17:22.679 --> 01:17:26.141 align:center And that's really how you reach people with ASD, 01:17:26.224 --> 01:17:28.560 align:center is you follow their currency. 01:17:29.853 --> 01:17:31.855 align:center What a gift she gave you. 01:17:39.988 --> 01:17:43.950 align:center So Jennifer learned to be independent at a very early age. 01:17:44.034 --> 01:17:46.036 align:center I didn't learn until my mom died. 01:17:46.953 --> 01:17:48.497 align:center You really relied on her. 01:17:49.539 --> 01:17:50.582 align:center I did. 01:17:52.250 --> 01:17:54.294 align:center And I always wanted that for you. 01:18:01.343 --> 01:18:03.387 align:center I've never resented you. 01:18:07.265 --> 01:18:09.559 align:center I loved everything about you. 01:18:14.648 --> 01:18:16.983 align:center I just needed help sometimes. 01:18:18.276 --> 01:18:25.117 align:center Funny little bird I'll watch you grow 01:18:25.200 --> 01:18:27.119 align:center What a gift she gave you. 01:18:34.167 --> 01:18:35.127 align:center Yeah. 01:18:58.692 --> 01:19:00.402 align:center -Hello? -Hi. 01:19:00.485 --> 01:19:01.778 align:center -Hi. -Cut to it. 01:19:01.862 --> 01:19:07.117 align:center Uh, the Perelman is commissioning our show. 01:19:07.200 --> 01:19:09.286 align:center -What the fuck? -What the fuck? 01:19:09.369 --> 01:19:12.164 align:center We're going to be part of the inaugural season. 01:19:14.875 --> 01:19:20.464 align:center Sonya got this email from Bill, the artistic director, today. 01:19:20.547 --> 01:19:24.801 align:center He said, "Forgive the delayed response. It's been a crazy stretch." 01:19:24.885 --> 01:19:26.094 align:center "We are definitely all in 01:19:26.178 --> 01:19:28.847 align:center on wanting to commission and help make this happen." 01:19:28.930 --> 01:19:32.434 align:center "Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing this beautiful project to us." 01:19:32.517 --> 01:19:34.895 align:center This is not normal. 01:19:34.978 --> 01:19:36.980 align:center -This is like-- -That's what we should call the doc. 01:19:37.063 --> 01:19:39.691 align:center -"This is not Normal." -That's what you should call it. 01:19:42.235 --> 01:19:43.904 align:center This is beyond, 01:19:43.987 --> 01:19:49.075 align:center like, truly beyond anything that I could have dreamt, seriously. 01:19:49.576 --> 01:19:51.077 align:center -It's amazing. -Yeah. 01:19:51.161 --> 01:19:53.789 align:center I didn't know that something like this was even possible. 01:19:53.872 --> 01:19:55.499 align:center This is crazy. 01:19:56.166 --> 01:20:00.420 align:center Well, it only takes, you know, traumatic things in your life to happen. 01:20:00.504 --> 01:20:03.215 align:center You can't just open those doors. 01:20:07.886 --> 01:20:10.096 align:center Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo! 01:20:10.180 --> 01:20:12.224 align:center You're just imagining what it's gonna be like. 01:20:12.307 --> 01:20:13.767 align:center Taking it in. 01:20:14.267 --> 01:20:15.435 align:center So cool. 01:20:20.690 --> 01:20:24.653 align:center I want you to know that you always have me if you need me, 01:20:24.736 --> 01:20:27.989 align:center but that you have the ability to say what you need in life. 01:20:28.073 --> 01:20:29.449 align:center And you needed me today, 01:20:29.533 --> 01:20:33.662 align:center and I'm so glad to give this space to you to be able to talk. 01:20:33.745 --> 01:20:37.958 align:center So I feel so good that you asked, and I'm glad you did. 01:20:38.542 --> 01:20:41.962 align:center Do you have questions for me? 01:20:42.045 --> 01:20:44.381 align:center Yes, I do. 01:20:44.965 --> 01:20:47.592 align:center I'd be glad to talk it through with you if you need ever it. 01:20:47.676 --> 01:20:50.762 align:center I would. I think that would be, I think, beneficial. 01:20:50.846 --> 01:20:54.057 align:center -I would appreciate that. Thank you. -Okay. Yeah. Sure. 01:20:54.849 --> 01:20:57.727 align:center It's encouraging because I know why I'm doing it. 01:20:57.811 --> 01:20:59.646 align:center -And I think you do too. -Yes. 01:20:59.729 --> 01:21:01.398 align:center -The why is there. -Yeah. 01:21:01.481 --> 01:21:07.487 align:center Parents that know that their child is autistic or might be on the spectrum, 01:21:07.571 --> 01:21:10.407 align:center but they don't choose to identify it… 01:21:10.490 --> 01:21:13.285 align:center -"Let's just wait and see if they pass." -Mm-hm. 01:21:14.119 --> 01:21:19.249 align:center And that's really sad because that child knows 01:21:19.332 --> 01:21:22.586 align:center that they are not the same as the other children. 01:21:23.169 --> 01:21:26.631 align:center And so you're basically, by ignoring it, teaching them to ignore themselves. 01:21:26.715 --> 01:21:29.426 align:center -Mm-hm. -I'm not saying it's malicious. 01:21:29.509 --> 01:21:32.053 align:center -It's done with love. -They think it's the best interest. 01:21:32.137 --> 01:21:37.601 align:center But as someone who got diagnosed fairly late in life, 01:21:37.684 --> 01:21:40.854 align:center I wish that I had known sooner. 01:21:41.438 --> 01:21:44.733 align:center Like I… definitely wish I knew sooner. 01:21:44.816 --> 01:21:47.068 align:center -Me too. -Mm-hm. Yeah. 01:21:47.152 --> 01:21:49.487 align:center Why don't you take the camera from Alex? 01:21:50.113 --> 01:21:51.823 align:center -Okay. -Point it at him for a minute. 01:21:51.907 --> 01:21:53.074 align:center -Okay. -That okay? 01:21:53.158 --> 01:21:54.367 align:center -Yeah. -Is it on? 01:21:55.160 --> 01:21:57.412 align:center -It's on. It says "recording," right? -Yeah. 01:22:09.549 --> 01:22:10.634 align:center Alex! 01:22:13.053 --> 01:22:15.263 align:center -There's a lot happening. -Yeah. 01:22:15.347 --> 01:22:17.098 align:center -Still happening currently. -Yeah. 01:22:17.182 --> 01:22:21.144 align:center So, I'm just wondering where you are on the rollercoaster. 01:22:21.645 --> 01:22:22.520 align:center Say something. 01:22:22.604 --> 01:22:24.773 align:center I don't have anything to say to you. 01:22:28.068 --> 01:22:29.945 align:center I know. Wait, are you stressed? 01:22:30.028 --> 01:22:32.197 align:center No. I feel like there's a better way. 01:22:32.280 --> 01:22:34.532 align:center Well, I feel lucky that I found you. 01:22:34.616 --> 01:22:35.992 align:center Don't throw me yet. 01:22:37.827 --> 01:22:40.747 align:center -When we did and how we did. -Wow, pretty. 01:22:40.830 --> 01:22:42.374 align:center Or rather we found each other. 01:22:42.457 --> 01:22:46.753 align:center For a reason that is turning into something that is bigger than both of us. 01:22:46.836 --> 01:22:48.630 align:center I totally understand that. 01:22:49.130 --> 01:22:51.216 align:center You've become one of my closest friends. 01:22:51.800 --> 01:22:54.761 align:center Spot Alex. 01:22:54.844 --> 01:22:58.223 align:center But I realize that we're much more alike than I thought. 01:22:59.099 --> 01:23:00.725 align:center You know I don't like this. 01:23:01.685 --> 01:23:04.479 align:center Because you're able to mask it so well for everybody else. 01:23:04.562 --> 01:23:06.815 align:center You're never too old to feel special. 01:23:06.898 --> 01:23:08.775 align:center But I feel like I got to see you, 01:23:09.859 --> 01:23:11.695 align:center like, really see you. 01:23:13.655 --> 01:23:18.243 align:center I realized that you are… a mirror. 01:23:21.663 --> 01:23:23.915 align:center Does anyone else know you're autistic 01:23:23.999 --> 01:23:26.084 align:center other than me and Dr. Gilbert? 01:23:26.167 --> 01:23:27.001 align:center No. 01:23:28.044 --> 01:23:33.800 align:center You've been hiding parts of yourself that you don't prefer. 01:23:33.883 --> 01:23:34.718 align:center Yeah. 01:23:34.801 --> 01:23:37.470 align:center And now you're being asked to expose the parts of yourself 01:23:37.554 --> 01:23:40.765 align:center you've been working your entire life to hide. 01:23:40.849 --> 01:23:44.185 align:center It was a point where I-- It just basically broke. 01:23:44.269 --> 01:23:47.856 align:center Yeah, and a few years ago, I just shut down. 01:23:48.356 --> 01:23:51.276 align:center I didn't know what to do. That's when I was getting really bad. 01:23:51.359 --> 01:23:55.071 align:center It was affecting work and family and friends. 01:23:55.155 --> 01:23:57.157 align:center I just-- I couldn't do anything. 01:23:57.240 --> 01:24:00.243 align:center And where do you feel sadness in your body? 01:24:00.326 --> 01:24:01.327 align:center Oh, everywhere. 01:24:01.411 --> 01:24:02.996 align:center You lose your words a little. 01:24:03.079 --> 01:24:04.289 align:center -Yeah. I understand. -Yeah. 01:24:04.372 --> 01:24:07.625 align:center I cannot even look people in the eye at that point and communicate. 01:24:07.709 --> 01:24:09.252 align:center Why do you think we're like that? 01:24:09.335 --> 01:24:12.130 align:center There's some questions that have to do with feelings and emotions. 01:24:12.213 --> 01:24:14.883 align:center -Mm-hm. -And the first one is just happiness. 01:24:14.966 --> 01:24:16.593 align:center Like, what makes you happy? 01:24:17.093 --> 01:24:18.845 align:center -My family. -Yes. 01:24:18.928 --> 01:24:20.889 align:center I'm very fortunate when it comes to that. 01:24:20.972 --> 01:24:22.307 align:center Hey, Mom. 01:24:22.390 --> 01:24:23.725 align:center -Hi, sweetie. -How are you? 01:24:23.808 --> 01:24:25.226 align:center -Are you taking a video? -Yes. 01:24:25.310 --> 01:24:27.187 align:center -Oh, dear. -Say something sweet. 01:24:27.270 --> 01:24:28.438 align:center -I love you. -Thank you. 01:24:28.521 --> 01:24:30.648 align:center -And I'm thrilled for you. -Thank you, Mom. 01:24:30.732 --> 01:24:32.942 align:center Ha! 01:24:33.026 --> 01:24:34.152 align:center Oh! 01:24:34.235 --> 01:24:36.571 align:center Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys. 01:24:36.654 --> 01:24:39.657 align:center I get a lot of inspiration from my brother 'cause I look up to him. 01:24:40.408 --> 01:24:42.619 align:center Because so much of me comes from him. 01:24:42.702 --> 01:24:45.163 align:center -You're very close with him. -Very much so. 01:24:45.246 --> 01:24:46.915 align:center He's crazy. 01:24:46.998 --> 01:24:48.625 align:center And then there's Miguel. 01:24:49.834 --> 01:24:52.045 align:center God, I love that man. I think about it often. 01:24:52.128 --> 01:24:55.340 align:center I think if I didn't have Miguel, like if we never met, 01:24:55.423 --> 01:24:57.092 align:center I don't know where I would be. 01:25:00.637 --> 01:25:05.600 align:center So, I do see that diagnosis for you, and you meet the criteria for it. 01:25:05.683 --> 01:25:07.685 align:center What do you think about that? 01:25:07.769 --> 01:25:11.648 align:center It's honestly not what I expected to hear. 01:25:11.731 --> 01:25:14.025 align:center What are you feeling right now? 01:25:15.235 --> 01:25:16.861 align:center I just didn't expect it. 01:25:16.945 --> 01:25:20.240 align:center I think that's a common thing people say, "You don't look autistic." 01:25:20.323 --> 01:25:23.576 align:center "You don't appear that way." Or "Why is it important?" 01:25:23.660 --> 01:25:26.830 align:center Because I know there are people that are further along on the spectrum, 01:25:26.913 --> 01:25:29.541 align:center this goes on in my mind, that need it more than I do. 01:25:29.624 --> 01:25:31.334 align:center Me getting a diagnosis, specifically, 01:25:31.417 --> 01:25:33.670 align:center makes me feel like I'm taking it away from somebody else. 01:25:33.753 --> 01:25:35.046 align:center -I don't know why. -Yeah. 01:25:35.130 --> 01:25:36.047 align:center You're an adult, 01:25:36.130 --> 01:25:39.134 align:center you've already made it past the finish line of where it's the hardest. 01:25:39.217 --> 01:25:40.552 align:center -Common mentality. -Exactly. 01:25:40.635 --> 01:25:43.972 align:center After all this time of proving that you're capable, 01:25:44.055 --> 01:25:47.684 align:center why would you want a label, like a terrible label, like autism? 01:25:47.767 --> 01:25:51.312 align:center Why wouldn't you choose to continue passing as a neurotypical person? 01:25:51.396 --> 01:25:54.190 align:center Why in the world would you out yourself like that? 01:25:54.274 --> 01:25:57.735 align:center -That's what they're really saying. -Yeah, I'm tired of pretending. 01:25:58.236 --> 01:26:00.822 align:center -That's what needs to change. -Yeah. 01:26:02.490 --> 01:26:06.119 align:center -Béyonce! -You ready? 01:26:08.788 --> 01:26:09.706 align:center Nine. 01:26:10.832 --> 01:26:11.833 align:center Bang, bang. 01:26:11.916 --> 01:26:14.586 align:center Eight. Seven. 01:26:15.628 --> 01:26:19.465 align:center Six, five, four, 01:26:20.592 --> 01:26:23.178 align:center three, two, one. 01:26:25.638 --> 01:26:28.141 align:center I was iffy on that one. I didn't know if it was too weird. 01:26:28.224 --> 01:26:30.518 align:center No, that's what I think it needs to be more of. 01:26:30.602 --> 01:26:33.438 align:center It's so cool. 01:26:33.521 --> 01:26:35.148 align:center Well, you know I'm a film editor. 01:26:35.231 --> 01:26:36.608 align:center What's that like? 01:26:36.691 --> 01:26:41.196 align:center It's like trying to solve a puzzle with infinite possible combinations 01:26:41.279 --> 01:26:45.033 align:center while simultaneously designing the puzzle at the same time. 01:26:46.743 --> 01:26:51.873 align:center I love this because I've since learned that my particular brain is just wired 01:26:51.956 --> 01:26:54.918 align:center to process, see, and create things differently. 01:26:55.001 --> 01:26:55.919 align:center Yes. 01:26:56.002 --> 01:26:58.504 align:center Any success came from being completely obsessed with it, 01:26:58.588 --> 01:27:01.257 align:center but also blindly ignorant to my limits. 01:27:01.341 --> 01:27:02.842 align:center -Totally. -Hey! 01:27:04.510 --> 01:27:07.263 align:center Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer! 01:27:10.141 --> 01:27:13.436 align:center Like you, once I had to start surviving on it as a career, 01:27:13.519 --> 01:27:16.439 align:center I felt as an artist that I lost my purpose. 01:27:19.150 --> 01:27:22.153 align:center I failed at understanding the complexities, politics, 01:27:22.237 --> 01:27:24.989 align:center and my loss of trust in so many people. 01:27:26.199 --> 01:27:30.370 align:center It's something-- It's a outcome that I'm not happy I have. 01:27:30.453 --> 01:27:32.997 align:center -I don't know what I'm saying. -No, you're explaining. 01:27:33.081 --> 01:27:38.586 align:center I have an unrelenting trust in people, to a fault. 01:27:38.670 --> 01:27:42.423 align:center I see what they do on the surface as what they mean. 01:27:42.507 --> 01:27:46.052 align:center And that puts you in that space of being taken advantage of. 01:27:46.135 --> 01:27:47.929 align:center That's where I always struggle. 01:27:48.012 --> 01:27:51.307 align:center You know, just like you, I could push through anything, 01:27:51.391 --> 01:27:56.104 align:center but just like you, I would burn hot and then burn out. 01:27:56.187 --> 01:27:59.357 align:center I didn't know what autistic burnout was, so I had no tools to fight it. 01:27:59.440 --> 01:28:00.400 align:center Yeah. 01:28:00.483 --> 01:28:03.528 align:center And neither did my best friend, Ray. 01:28:04.279 --> 01:28:05.154 align:center All right! 01:28:05.238 --> 01:28:08.741 align:center I hate being in front of the camera, but I'll do this for you guys. Love you. 01:28:08.825 --> 01:28:10.660 align:center We were so alike. 01:28:10.743 --> 01:28:12.996 align:center -We're so, so, so alike. -Yeah. 01:28:13.079 --> 01:28:14.539 align:center I knew his personality. 01:28:14.622 --> 01:28:18.167 align:center I knew his fears and anger, and also what he presented to the world, 01:28:18.251 --> 01:28:19.836 align:center which was very different. 01:28:21.546 --> 01:28:22.588 align:center Except for Ray, 01:28:22.672 --> 01:28:26.134 align:center I never really talked to anybody about anything before. 01:28:27.635 --> 01:28:29.804 align:center He was very outgoing. 01:28:30.513 --> 01:28:32.307 align:center -But it was to compensate. -Okay. 01:28:32.390 --> 01:28:34.142 align:center Like with Jenn, 01:28:34.225 --> 01:28:39.605 align:center I saw a side of Ray that few others really got to see. 01:28:39.689 --> 01:28:40.982 align:center And I saw myself. 01:28:41.482 --> 01:28:42.900 align:center He was a light. 01:28:43.568 --> 01:28:44.777 align:center He was a light in my life. 01:28:46.112 --> 01:28:48.448 align:center Several years ago, um… 01:28:49.407 --> 01:28:55.747 align:center he took his own life by jumping out of a building window. 01:28:57.415 --> 01:29:00.168 align:center And I can't help but think 01:29:00.251 --> 01:29:05.298 align:center that if we both knew then what I know now, 01:29:05.381 --> 01:29:09.844 align:center maybe he could have shifted to a better path with the right tools. 01:29:15.224 --> 01:29:17.935 align:center Let's talk about happy things. What'd you think of the film? 01:29:18.019 --> 01:29:20.355 align:center Because I'm thinking about changing the whole thing. 01:29:21.022 --> 01:29:25.693 align:center What are you thinking? Like, I've just been feeling you so much. 01:29:25.777 --> 01:29:29.697 align:center The experiences you're having in real life are gonna change your perspective. 01:29:29.781 --> 01:29:32.116 align:center As much as you're telling my story, 01:29:32.200 --> 01:29:35.119 align:center like, your experience and your point of view 01:29:35.203 --> 01:29:37.455 align:center is such a big part of what you're making. 01:29:37.538 --> 01:29:39.290 align:center You need to be in there too. 01:29:39.374 --> 01:29:41.918 align:center You're not the one that usually is doing the sharing. 01:29:42.001 --> 01:29:45.213 align:center You're showing, you know, what someone else has decided to share. 01:29:45.296 --> 01:29:48.132 align:center So, it's a different light for you. 01:29:48.216 --> 01:29:49.884 align:center -It's just scary. -Yeah. 01:29:49.967 --> 01:29:52.011 align:center Because originally I wasn't part of it at all, 01:29:52.095 --> 01:29:54.889 align:center but that's the only story we have. 01:29:54.972 --> 01:29:58.309 align:center I'd never talk about anything with anybody ever, honestly. 01:29:58.393 --> 01:30:01.771 align:center That's just something I'd never had before, even with Miguel. 01:30:01.854 --> 01:30:04.357 align:center Because I've always kind of put that… 01:30:05.108 --> 01:30:06.818 align:center What are you fearful of? 01:30:06.901 --> 01:30:09.404 align:center It's the shame of it, you know? I don't know why. 01:30:09.487 --> 01:30:13.324 align:center It's really hard to get past that part 01:30:14.283 --> 01:30:17.286 align:center because I never fully fit in anywhere. 01:30:17.370 --> 01:30:20.415 align:center So I sought approval wherever I could, 01:30:20.498 --> 01:30:27.505 align:center which made me easy to manipulate into things like, um… 01:30:29.298 --> 01:30:31.759 align:center sexual-- child sex abuse. Um… 01:30:31.843 --> 01:30:33.386 align:center Oh, wow. 01:30:33.469 --> 01:30:35.680 align:center I've never really said that out loud before. 01:30:35.763 --> 01:30:38.015 align:center How old were you when this started? 01:30:38.099 --> 01:30:41.060 align:center Maybe, um, five or six, I think. 01:30:41.144 --> 01:30:42.979 align:center Wow. You were so young. 01:30:43.563 --> 01:30:44.981 align:center -Yeah. -Alex. 01:30:45.690 --> 01:30:49.152 align:center The tough part, too, about abuse is it's so secretive. 01:30:51.112 --> 01:30:53.865 align:center Unfortunately, that person taught you 01:30:53.948 --> 01:30:56.242 align:center to cover up and to be quiet, 01:30:56.325 --> 01:30:57.743 align:center to not be you. 01:30:59.704 --> 01:31:03.499 align:center It's more highly correlated than the neurotypical population. 01:31:03.583 --> 01:31:07.628 align:center I was scared of being perceived as gay. 01:31:07.712 --> 01:31:09.046 align:center -Okay. -Um… 01:31:09.130 --> 01:31:12.467 align:center That was my biggest fear, and I think that's why I kept quiet. 01:31:13.551 --> 01:31:15.428 align:center I just didn't understand it. 01:31:15.970 --> 01:31:18.764 align:center But the world was telling me that gay was bad. 01:31:18.848 --> 01:31:21.267 align:center But you feared, when you were little, what would happen? 01:31:21.350 --> 01:31:25.646 align:center That I would be unlovable, and let go. 01:31:25.730 --> 01:31:26.939 align:center Mm. 01:31:27.982 --> 01:31:32.361 align:center I now know that that was never even a possibility. 01:31:32.445 --> 01:31:37.700 align:center That takes so much energy, Alex, to hold that for that long. 01:31:37.783 --> 01:31:39.994 align:center Learning how to talk about things with you 01:31:40.578 --> 01:31:44.373 align:center has made it a lot easier to connect with Miguel. 01:31:44.457 --> 01:31:49.587 align:center I never thought I'd be able to talk to him like this without any fear. 01:31:49.670 --> 01:31:53.549 align:center I've-- I had missed that since Ray. 01:31:53.633 --> 01:31:57.595 align:center But now Jenn has also come into that role for me. 01:31:58.930 --> 01:32:02.767 align:center Because we can process things together instead of alone. 01:32:02.850 --> 01:32:05.228 align:center I just hide away when it gets bad. 01:32:06.103 --> 01:32:08.564 align:center You and me are so similar in so many ways. 01:32:08.648 --> 01:32:10.608 align:center -It's ridiculous. -I know. 01:32:10.691 --> 01:32:13.110 align:center -She wants to be completely sober. -She does, yeah. 01:32:13.194 --> 01:32:14.987 align:center -Wanting it for so long. -Yeah. 01:32:15.071 --> 01:32:16.447 align:center Like nothing, nothing… 01:32:16.531 --> 01:32:21.869 align:center I'm trying to just show up and be brave with everything and share everything. 01:32:22.370 --> 01:32:24.205 align:center That's really important to me. 01:32:24.288 --> 01:32:27.291 align:center But this is like something that I have so much shame about. 01:32:27.375 --> 01:32:32.046 align:center -And so then I just feel like… it's all… -Yeah. 01:32:32.129 --> 01:32:36.676 align:center I'm like a… I'm just like a lie. 01:32:36.759 --> 01:32:40.304 align:center Depression and anxiety also can be comorbid with ASD. 01:32:40.388 --> 01:32:43.766 align:center Often people also will go to alcohol to soothe 01:32:43.849 --> 01:32:48.062 align:center because it can open up doors to make it a lot easier in those situations. 01:32:48.145 --> 01:32:52.817 align:center She was crying, she said, "I'm worried that if I stay with you, 01:32:52.900 --> 01:32:56.362 align:center I can't become sober, and I don't ever want to be without you." 01:32:56.445 --> 01:32:59.115 align:center And I think that was the part where I was like…. 01:32:59.198 --> 01:33:00.491 align:center "Goddamn." 01:33:00.575 --> 01:33:02.034 align:center "Goddamn it." 01:33:02.118 --> 01:33:04.495 align:center Just know that I love you guys unconditionally. 01:33:04.579 --> 01:33:08.874 align:center And, like, I might be one of the better ones to kind of understand. 01:33:08.958 --> 01:33:10.835 align:center I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you. 01:33:10.918 --> 01:33:12.461 align:center -That's it. Not that far. -Yeah. 01:33:12.545 --> 01:33:15.339 align:center -Just like you were with autism. -Yeah. 01:33:15.423 --> 01:33:17.967 align:center -Just know I'm here to support. -Thank you. 01:33:18.050 --> 01:33:21.304 align:center The more that you talk, the more that you let people see you 01:33:21.387 --> 01:33:25.474 align:center and love you will give you more of that core belief that you matter. 01:33:25.558 --> 01:33:27.768 align:center Your weight in the world is important. 01:33:27.852 --> 01:33:28.728 align:center Yeah. 01:33:31.981 --> 01:33:32.982 align:center Happy birthday… 01:33:33.065 --> 01:33:35.985 align:center These are the reasons why I've been working so hard 01:33:36.068 --> 01:33:37.737 align:center to understand my brain 01:33:37.820 --> 01:33:40.156 align:center long before getting this diagnosis. 01:33:41.157 --> 01:33:43.659 align:center Because I'm terrified. 01:33:45.703 --> 01:33:49.457 align:center I don't want to get to the point where I feel like there's no other option, 01:33:49.540 --> 01:33:51.459 align:center but to turn everything off. 01:33:56.881 --> 01:33:57.715 align:center Ian. 01:33:58.591 --> 01:33:59.884 align:center -Ian. -What? 01:33:59.967 --> 01:34:01.886 align:center -I can't see you. -Huh? 01:34:01.969 --> 01:34:03.137 align:center I can't see you. 01:34:03.220 --> 01:34:06.390 align:center No, no, no. Let me see you. So I know where you are. 01:34:24.659 --> 01:34:25.576 align:center So where are we? 01:34:27.411 --> 01:34:30.122 align:center Jacob's Pillow. 01:34:31.332 --> 01:34:34.377 align:center In the most beautiful studio in America. 01:34:39.465 --> 01:34:40.716 align:center Tell me where we are. 01:34:40.800 --> 01:34:44.595 align:center We are here at the Church at Sag Harbor. 01:34:44.679 --> 01:34:46.847 align:center I mean, this space is magical. 01:34:47.973 --> 01:34:51.936 align:center All of these organizations donated not only space to us, 01:34:52.019 --> 01:34:54.438 align:center but most importantly, time. 01:34:56.357 --> 01:35:01.028 align:center Creating a show like this can take years and so many resources. 01:35:03.614 --> 01:35:05.991 align:center In our art form and in many places, 01:35:06.075 --> 01:35:08.869 align:center there's a recipe that has been the same for a long time 01:35:08.953 --> 01:35:10.871 align:center that is not working anymore. 01:35:10.955 --> 01:35:13.416 align:center And if we could soften that, 01:35:13.499 --> 01:35:15.501 align:center and explore that together, 01:35:16.085 --> 01:35:20.756 align:center and not consider these situations as flaws or a hindrance… 01:35:20.840 --> 01:35:23.676 align:center And maybe things take a little bit more time, 01:35:23.759 --> 01:35:26.095 align:center but what would happen if you gave time 01:35:26.178 --> 01:35:29.765 align:center for a beautiful brain to encompass an idea? 01:35:29.849 --> 01:35:31.308 align:center What would it be like? 01:35:31.392 --> 01:35:32.768 align:center That's what I want. 01:35:33.769 --> 01:35:35.479 align:center For autistic people, 01:35:35.563 --> 01:35:42.027 align:center one of the most common stims is just free improv dancing. 01:35:42.111 --> 01:35:44.947 align:center I would like to keep some of this improvised. 01:35:45.030 --> 01:35:47.658 align:center I think it's important to be able to walk in and go, 01:35:47.742 --> 01:35:50.035 align:center "What do you need?" Not, "What's wrong?" 01:35:50.119 --> 01:35:52.121 align:center Jenn's not trying to, in Jenn's case, 01:35:52.204 --> 01:35:54.373 align:center cure it or fix her. 01:35:54.457 --> 01:35:55.416 align:center It's awareness. 01:35:56.459 --> 01:36:00.212 align:center Being really clear that this is my story only, 01:36:00.296 --> 01:36:05.050 align:center and I have no interest in making any type of overarching or grand statement 01:36:05.134 --> 01:36:09.180 align:center about autism in general or anyone else's experience. 01:36:09.263 --> 01:36:11.932 align:center And that's really important because autism is a spectrum 01:36:12.016 --> 01:36:17.354 align:center and people have many different types of support needs. 01:36:17.438 --> 01:36:18.689 align:center The arrival of that, 01:36:18.773 --> 01:36:22.067 align:center I think it would help with the forearm more to really 01:36:22.151 --> 01:36:24.028 align:center feel the stops, yeah. 01:36:24.111 --> 01:36:28.824 align:center So, the realization that my brain will never be changed, 01:36:28.908 --> 01:36:31.535 align:center that was, like, the most freeing thing. 01:36:33.162 --> 01:36:36.749 align:center Are there any questions right now before we begin? Anything? 01:36:37.458 --> 01:36:39.335 align:center Yeah, it's gonna be fun. 01:36:39.418 --> 01:36:41.003 align:center Yeah. 01:36:44.256 --> 01:36:48.177 align:center Ooh… 01:37:07.112 --> 01:37:11.075 align:center We're trying out using language from the actual diagnostic criteria. 01:37:11.158 --> 01:37:14.995 align:center And I think it's really interesting seeing that rigid language 01:37:15.079 --> 01:37:19.375 align:center juxtaposed with a human experience. 01:37:19.458 --> 01:37:22.670 align:center Like, when you read the DSM criteria for autism, 01:37:22.753 --> 01:37:24.380 align:center it's so rigid. 01:37:24.463 --> 01:37:26.924 align:center The first word of every trait, it's like, 01:37:27.007 --> 01:37:31.095 align:center "failure, abnormal, inability, deficit." 01:37:31.178 --> 01:37:33.848 align:center Then hearing the way my therapist describes these traits, 01:37:33.931 --> 01:37:37.393 align:center she describes them in the most beautiful, positive way. 01:37:37.476 --> 01:37:39.687 align:center So seeing that language up against each other 01:37:39.770 --> 01:37:42.690 align:center and then also seeing, like, video of a child, 01:37:42.773 --> 01:37:44.567 align:center it, like, doesn't match up. 01:37:44.650 --> 01:37:45.484 align:center Yeah. 01:37:48.195 --> 01:37:49.905 align:center Sometimes there's just stuff. 01:37:49.989 --> 01:37:51.490 align:center Yeah, I mean, same. 01:37:51.574 --> 01:37:53.117 align:center What 01:37:53.826 --> 01:37:56.078 align:center What did you do 01:37:56.161 --> 01:38:01.375 align:center When you grew out of the red dress 01:38:05.170 --> 01:38:08.340 align:center I never asked you 01:38:08.424 --> 01:38:10.509 align:center I never asked you 01:38:10.593 --> 01:38:12.428 align:center -Got it! -Yay. 01:38:12.511 --> 01:38:14.430 align:center -Great! -That's what this time's for. 01:38:21.729 --> 01:38:22.813 align:center Tell me where we are. 01:38:24.273 --> 01:38:26.609 align:center -I can't hear you. Speak up. -La Jolla. 01:38:26.692 --> 01:38:30.029 align:center -La Jolla? -La Jolla? Is that you? Oh, hi. 01:38:30.112 --> 01:38:31.864 align:center Yes, we'd love to. 01:38:31.947 --> 01:38:33.866 align:center We'd love to come spend three months there. 01:38:33.949 --> 01:38:35.409 align:center Thank you so much, bye. 01:38:35.492 --> 01:38:39.371 align:center We are at the infamous La Jolla Playhouse 01:38:40.039 --> 01:38:41.874 align:center in our rehearsal room 01:38:42.625 --> 01:38:43.918 align:center in La Jolla, California. 01:38:46.795 --> 01:38:48.005 align:center First day. 01:38:48.088 --> 01:38:49.381 align:center First day! 01:38:53.552 --> 01:38:56.305 align:center We see this memory here 01:38:57.097 --> 01:38:59.933 align:center and the tractor and the doll are important to see. 01:39:01.560 --> 01:39:04.813 align:center Our show has also been commissioned by La Jolla Playhouse. 01:39:05.481 --> 01:39:09.109 align:center We're the first dance piece ever, I think, 01:39:09.193 --> 01:39:11.195 align:center to be a part of the main season, 01:39:11.278 --> 01:39:15.240 align:center and it's just a total dream 01:39:15.324 --> 01:39:17.576 align:center to be able to come here, 01:39:17.660 --> 01:39:19.954 align:center to have a creative process, 01:39:20.037 --> 01:39:22.456 align:center to be able to play 01:39:22.539 --> 01:39:25.292 align:center and fail and learn and grow. 01:39:25.376 --> 01:39:27.920 align:center -Okay, everybody. Yay! -Have a great show! 01:39:28.003 --> 01:39:29.755 align:center -Oh… -Ah! 01:39:30.631 --> 01:39:33.384 align:center You just feel so held and supported. 01:40:07.251 --> 01:40:09.086 align:center Yay! 01:40:09.169 --> 01:40:12.923 align:center Having this opportunity to dream big is incredible. 01:40:13.007 --> 01:40:14.508 align:center That was amazing. 01:40:21.640 --> 01:40:23.517 align:center Whoa! 01:40:29.857 --> 01:40:30.941 align:center Hold it up. 01:40:31.025 --> 01:40:33.485 align:center Whoa! 01:40:34.653 --> 01:40:36.739 align:center They even spelled your name right. 01:40:40.034 --> 01:40:41.744 align:center Is it Thursday yet? 01:40:44.997 --> 01:40:46.498 align:center Is it Thursday yet? 01:40:48.792 --> 01:40:53.005 align:center Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? 01:40:56.884 --> 01:40:58.761 align:center When am I gonna be dancing again? 01:41:01.430 --> 01:41:03.265 align:center When Jenn was little, 01:41:04.224 --> 01:41:05.517 align:center dance was on Thursday. 01:41:07.102 --> 01:41:09.146 align:center Even when it was Monday, 01:41:09.229 --> 01:41:11.065 align:center she asked, "Is it Thursday yet? 01:41:11.148 --> 01:41:12.649 align:center -What? -Over and over. 01:41:16.445 --> 01:41:20.324 align:center I was really saying, "I need it to be Thursday, and I need dance every day," 01:41:20.407 --> 01:41:23.076 align:center but I didn't even know how to express that at that time. 01:41:23.160 --> 01:41:24.828 align:center When am I gonna be dancing again? 01:41:24.912 --> 01:41:27.664 align:center There was this anticipation for Thursday 01:41:27.748 --> 01:41:31.001 align:center because it brought a peace and a release. 01:41:31.835 --> 01:41:33.962 align:center It brought her a profound sense of order. 01:41:34.046 --> 01:41:35.089 align:center Is it Thursday yet? 01:41:35.172 --> 01:41:37.758 align:center And so I just find that so beautiful. 01:41:37.841 --> 01:41:42.513 align:center Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? 01:41:46.183 --> 01:41:47.643 align:center What's happening today? 01:41:47.726 --> 01:41:51.522 align:center It's our opening night at La Jolla Playhouse 01:41:51.605 --> 01:41:53.690 align:center and first time with an audience. 01:41:55.776 --> 01:41:57.152 align:center What are you thinking now? 01:41:57.236 --> 01:41:58.403 align:center I'm just so proud of us 01:41:58.487 --> 01:42:01.156 align:center that I can't believe three years have gone by. 01:42:01.240 --> 01:42:02.950 align:center -Yeah. -You know what I mean? 01:42:05.160 --> 01:42:07.162 align:center I think I'll feel more emotional 01:42:08.080 --> 01:42:12.209 align:center after the show when I finally get to see all the people that I love. 01:42:19.007 --> 01:42:20.926 align:center I also don't know how many people will be here. 01:42:21.009 --> 01:42:27.432 align:center Twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, 01:42:27.516 --> 01:42:34.356 align:center thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six… 01:42:34.439 --> 01:42:37.025 align:center This is so crazy. What are we doing? 01:42:37.109 --> 01:42:39.528 align:center …three, two, one. 01:42:57.462 --> 01:43:01.383 align:center As a newly diagnosed autistic person, 01:43:01.466 --> 01:43:05.679 align:center I'm rediscovering myself and who I am as an artist 01:43:05.762 --> 01:43:09.766 align:center in real time as the show is coming together. 01:43:10.434 --> 01:43:14.771 align:center I am beyond grateful that there are places like the PAC and La Jolla Playhouse. 01:43:14.855 --> 01:43:18.859 align:center It says so much about the risks they're willing to take 01:43:18.942 --> 01:43:22.487 align:center because so much art begins 01:43:22.571 --> 01:43:27.701 align:center in ways that are unusual or unquantifiable. 01:43:28.911 --> 01:43:30.829 align:center It just feels so big. 01:43:32.331 --> 01:43:34.374 align:center I'm so, so proud of you. 01:43:35.375 --> 01:43:37.419 align:center Thank you. I love you. 01:43:37.502 --> 01:43:38.712 align:center I love you too. 01:44:15.290 --> 01:44:16.917 align:center Good morning, Jenn. 01:44:17.834 --> 01:44:18.961 align:center Let's begin. 01:44:19.044 --> 01:44:21.380 align:center Let's go! 01:44:21.463 --> 01:44:24.841 align:center What did you do? 01:44:24.925 --> 01:44:28.971 align:center Where did feeling go? 01:44:48.282 --> 01:44:49.658 align:center Perfect! 01:44:50.325 --> 01:44:52.286 align:center See everybody when you said "Get up"? 01:44:52.369 --> 01:44:53.954 align:center -They were dancing. -Yeah, dancing. 01:45:34.036 --> 01:45:36.663 align:center Good job. 01:45:36.747 --> 01:45:37.831 align:center I'm proud of you, hon. 01:45:37.914 --> 01:45:39.708 align:center I love you so much. 01:45:39.791 --> 01:45:41.585 align:center I'm so, so lucky. 01:45:43.170 --> 01:45:46.757 align:center My cup runneth over with gratitude that you're in my life. 01:45:48.884 --> 01:45:49.718 align:center Oh, my God. 01:45:49.801 --> 01:45:51.845 align:center The three of us are like that Spider-Man meme. 01:45:51.928 --> 01:45:54.639 align:center You're autistic. Wait, you're autistic. Wait. 01:45:56.558 --> 01:45:57.934 align:center -Yo! -I know. 01:45:59.269 --> 01:46:00.604 align:center Oh, fuck! 01:46:00.687 --> 01:46:01.688 align:center All right. 01:46:01.772 --> 01:46:04.858 align:center Alex, we must go. We must pick the look. 01:46:04.941 --> 01:46:07.277 align:center -I'll be back to confirm. -You're getting kicked out. 01:46:07.361 --> 01:46:09.571 align:center Uh, just yell, I'll be right there. 01:46:09.654 --> 01:46:11.156 align:center -Great. -Love you, babe. 01:46:11.239 --> 01:46:13.325 align:center -The last time you have to see me. -Yeah, right. 01:46:14.326 --> 01:46:17.204 align:center -Bye. It's been real. -Bye. It's been great. Lots of fun. 01:46:21.583 --> 01:46:25.837 align:center When you contacted me about this project, 01:46:25.921 --> 01:46:28.590 align:center you didn't know that it was gonna turn into 01:46:29.424 --> 01:46:31.301 align:center a piece centered around autism. 01:46:31.802 --> 01:46:32.719 align:center No. 01:46:34.805 --> 01:46:37.057 align:center Would you want to have an autistic kid again? 01:46:38.225 --> 01:46:39.101 align:center Yeah. 01:46:39.184 --> 01:46:41.520 align:center -You would? -I would have you again. 01:46:41.603 --> 01:46:43.772 align:center -You would have me again? -Yeah. 01:46:43.855 --> 01:46:46.942 align:center And it would be nice to have you with a little more understanding, 01:46:47.025 --> 01:46:50.946 align:center but even without the understanding, I would do it all over again. 01:46:52.155 --> 01:46:53.281 align:center Hello, love. 01:46:53.365 --> 01:46:54.658 align:center -Hi, Mom. -Give me a kiss. 01:46:58.245 --> 01:47:02.332 align:center I do have to say that since losing Ray, 01:47:02.415 --> 01:47:03.875 align:center besides Miguel, 01:47:04.501 --> 01:47:07.087 align:center having you guys to talk to about this type of stuff 01:47:07.170 --> 01:47:14.010 align:center has been something that's been very, like, special to me. 01:47:14.094 --> 01:47:14.928 align:center Yeah. 01:47:15.011 --> 01:47:19.724 align:center 'Cause I don't have that with anybody else. 01:47:20.767 --> 01:47:22.936 align:center Even if this all ended today, 01:47:23.019 --> 01:47:27.482 align:center like there was no support for the doc, it didn't move on, I feel like it still… 01:47:27.983 --> 01:47:29.192 align:center Did its job. 01:47:30.110 --> 01:47:32.571 align:center -It saved Jenn's life and your life. -Yeah. 01:47:32.654 --> 01:47:34.948 align:center That does sound a bit dramatic, 01:47:35.490 --> 01:47:37.033 align:center but it is true for me. 01:47:37.534 --> 01:47:40.287 align:center -To love and life. -To love and life. 01:47:40.996 --> 01:47:43.165 align:center -There's no going back. -No. 01:47:43.248 --> 01:47:46.877 align:center There was before the diagnosis, and there was after. 01:47:46.960 --> 01:47:50.338 align:center -There's BD and AD. -Yes, totally. 01:47:50.922 --> 01:47:52.465 align:center It's not even like a next chapter. 01:47:52.549 --> 01:47:54.509 align:center -It's like a whole new book. -Yeah. 01:47:54.593 --> 01:47:56.928 align:center 'Cause it keeps on going 01:47:57.012 --> 01:47:59.806 align:center More people are just piecing their stories together 01:47:59.890 --> 01:48:03.018 align:center and sharing information and having access to information 01:48:03.101 --> 01:48:06.480 align:center and seeing themselves in other people's experience, 01:48:06.563 --> 01:48:07.814 align:center not opening a textbook. 01:48:07.898 --> 01:48:08.732 align:center Yeah. 01:48:09.649 --> 01:48:11.276 align:center I've been doing some research 01:48:11.359 --> 01:48:13.987 align:center about movement as therapy for people with ASD, 01:48:14.070 --> 01:48:18.366 align:center and I'm really excited for how it's gonna change my teaching. 01:48:18.450 --> 01:48:20.869 align:center Yeah, I have a feeling it will. 01:48:20.952 --> 01:48:24.456 align:center If you share that with people, it's helping them to also understand 01:48:24.539 --> 01:48:29.377 align:center that they can move it to their art or their work to help balance themselves. 01:48:29.461 --> 01:48:31.129 align:center I feel like there are many examples 01:48:31.213 --> 01:48:35.926 align:center of people who have existed safely inside the dance community, 01:48:36.009 --> 01:48:40.263 align:center who otherwise might not have had such vibrant, peaceful lives. 01:48:41.514 --> 01:48:42.849 align:center I see it in students, 01:48:42.933 --> 01:48:47.103 align:center and it's mostly the students that I, like, connect really deeply with. 01:48:48.146 --> 01:48:49.564 align:center That's an incredible story. 01:48:49.648 --> 01:48:53.777 align:center The ones who maybe need it more than they understand. 01:48:56.696 --> 01:48:59.241 align:center It's my pleasure to be of support and help to you. 01:48:59.324 --> 01:49:03.119 align:center You've been so kind, so supportive, and so wonderful 01:49:03.203 --> 01:49:05.830 align:center that I can't express how much… 01:49:05.914 --> 01:49:08.500 align:center how special it really has been 01:49:09.125 --> 01:49:11.378 align:center to just-- to me, to Jenn. 01:49:11.461 --> 01:49:13.672 align:center I don't know how else to thank you. 01:49:13.755 --> 01:49:14.631 align:center Oh, Alex. 01:49:14.714 --> 01:49:17.175 align:center But I would like to see you as a patient. 01:49:17.259 --> 01:49:18.885 align:center I'd like to give you some money. 01:49:18.969 --> 01:49:22.889 align:center Well, Alex, you know, sometimes in life, money is not the thing. 01:49:23.723 --> 01:49:27.227 align:center And as it keeps going 01:49:27.310 --> 01:49:31.356 align:center If there's no need For the perfect image 01:49:31.940 --> 01:49:38.238 align:center Don't miss it 01:49:39.614 --> 01:49:46.496 align:center Like I did 01:49:46.997 --> 01:49:53.837 align:center Like I did 01:49:53.920 --> 01:49:57.424 align:center Like I did 01:49:57.507 --> 01:49:58.592 align:center It feels like a gift. 01:49:58.675 --> 01:50:01.261 align:center Ooh 01:50:01.344 --> 01:50:03.972 align:center The diagnosis feels like a… a gift. 01:50:04.055 --> 01:50:08.727 align:center Ooh 01:50:08.810 --> 01:50:11.271 align:center It's like… 01:50:12.480 --> 01:50:13.607 align:center Exactly. 01:50:13.690 --> 01:50:15.734 align:center Ooh tly.