-You okay? -Mm-hmm.
-Is this your first baby? -Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Here's the baby's heart beating.
This is the baby's abdomen.
Here's the right kidney,
the left kidney,
the spine,
the tailbone, the lumbar,
dorsal, shoulder, the elbow.
The baby has a lot of room to move around.
This is the baby's head.
This is the outline of the baby's skull, looking down on the top.
This is looking down into the brain.
All the anatomy looks normal. The baby's the right size.
Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart,
everything I can see on a baby this age all looks normal.
Hi, everybody.
Hello.
Okay, we have a short amount of time together, so…
I know a lot of you are graduating soon.
And moving into the world, there's always a lot of unknown.
And this is a time where it feels like you need to look everywhere for advice.
And you need to look everywhere to understand how to go through your life.
So I just want to remind you, remember that you're here.
And to look inward and to trust yourselves,
because you have more answers in here than you think you do.
I feel scared.
I didn't know that it was going to be this hard…
learning all of this about myself.
Do you have questions for me?
Yes.
But at some point, I just made the connection
that it's dangerous to have curiosity or to ask questions.
Ten and one…
People need to understand
that some people experience the world in a different way.
But the incredible way that you perceive the world is amazing.
If dance was taken away from me, I wouldn't know myself.
But that's why this changes everything.
Tell me more.
There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge
and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever.
It just makes it a lot more real.
It's always felt like something just didn't add up.
Everything just feels different now.
We see a challenge in three areas.
One is communication.
One is socialization.
And one is repetitive and stereotyped behaviors.
You really are hitting all of those three marks.
And I have to see it over time,
through your history and early development.
There is a neurobiology to the way the person is
that starts very early in childhood
and really goes with you through a lifetime.
And so you do meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder.
Autism spectrum disorder is a complex developmental condition
that involves persistent challenges in social interaction,
speech, and nonverbal communication and restricted/repetitive behaviors.
ASD is typically diagnosed in toddlerhood or early childhood.
The effect of ASD and the severity of symptoms are different in each person.
Do you have questions for me?
You need anything?
Just feels like…
It feels relieving, in a way.
I can't imagine.
Today, I officially received
my diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1.
"Requires support."
Pack a bag.
Pack a bag?
-Yeah. -To go where?
-For the journey. -Oh.
I forget you don't like analogies.
That one went over my head.
Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I…
I've felt like I don't trust my mind or my headspace in this weird way.
It's like, um…
I'll read, um… traits
of a person with autism or ASD Level 1,
and, you know, I feel like I'm reading about my life,
and it feels so clear to me, and I identify so deeply.
And then the next moment I'll feel like I'm making it all up, or it's not real,
or like I'm looking for a, you know, quick fix or something.
It's this weird head game I've been playing with myself.
But today I formally received, um, diagnosis.
So… I kinda can, like, take a breath
and know, um… know myself.
I don't feel like I've ever really…
had the possibility or the opportunity to do that.
So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it…
feels promising.
And I'm feeling grateful
that I've had the opportunity to go through this process.
So why are you afraid?
Participating in a documentary is my worst nightmare,
having to communicate with someone
on, like, such a deep level, and…
I trust Alex, but… I don't like to do things that I don't know how to do.
But you know the answer
because all the things that you can do now you once didn't know how to do.
So what made you somehow… overcome those moments?
I'm like, "I don't know where I am." What's up?
-Good to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
-This is Ian. -Hey, Ian. I'm Alex.
Well, I believe this is the right thing to do.
So I'll just do it.
This is James.
-Wow, look at that. -Wow. He's giving it.
-He's serving it. -He's serving it up.
And then the legend herself.
-That picture… -That's my first recital.
-With the hand… -I know.
-Do you mind if I mic you? -Sure.
Part of what is stressful to me is that I don't know how a documentary is made
or how, like, you work, and…
-You're also filming me. -I've been filming.
I'm just trying to capture stuff of just her kind of existing in space.
And it's been awesome.
It's weird because every person I, like, encounter now
doesn't know this.
So-- And then also to be thinking about filming all--
Like, everything is just crazy.
Everything is…
Every day is like a day I haven't experienced yet.
You're gonna freak.
Wow, look at that.
I have this courage
to do things in the name of dance
that, like, I would not be able to do as just Jenn.
-Like what we're doing right now. -Same.
And like a lot of things in my life
because at, like, the seed of every interaction
or every opportunity or every job is,
"No, I don't wanna do that."
Like, it feels instantaneously a level of anxiety.
But I just do it anyways.
I'm exactly the same way.
-Um, this project, I think, is different. -Okay.
I'm honestly not really sure what it is yet.
Basically, my whole career revolves around what performance gives to the audience.
But I've always wanted to explore
what performance actually gives back to the artists themselves.
Totally.
And that led me to movement-based psychotherapy,
which is just a very fancy way of saying
"communication through dance when words fail."
-Totally. -This is something I struggle with.
-You were the first person I thought of. -Of course.
I realize it's been six years, but I reached out to you
because I've been following your career since we did that music video together.
I think it's fate that after all this time,
I texted you on the same day you got your diagnosis.
I still can't get over it. It's so bizarre.
I got home the night before from a trip to LA.
We have her session next morning. Boom, in comes the email.
-Yeah. -And then her session is just wild.
What was the draw to go into performing arts and to dance?
My answer before was that…
I was just guided into it
and fell in love with it.
And… it feels like it's my purpose
and what I'm supposed to do with this life.
And it's my talent.
And it's the way that I connect with people.
And it's the way that I can help people.
But I just always had this feeling that I was guided
or being, like, guided through this life,
which… I still do in a way,
but… I think I just really--
I just became obsessed with dance, possibly just because I'm autistic.
And, like, it was…
It was helpful for me
in ways that I… am just now understanding.
Okay, let's see where this goes.
Maybe we ease into it, and I just shadow you.
-Okay. Okay. -And we see if anything comes from it.
Okay. Then, let's begin.
One, two, three, four, five, six…
And one, two. Ha, ha.
Yes, Barry! Ha, ha.
Ha, ha. Hey! Hup!
Five, six…
Hey! Yes!
Yes, go wide…
All that space in your quadrant.
Yes. Yes.
Eyes here. Let me see you.
In the beginning, it was just dance.
But it's been years…
Opening, it's flowering.
…since it stopped being that therapy for me.
At some point,
dance started taking more from me than it was giving me.
Yes!
As a human, when I'm watching you dance,
if I can't find your eyes,
I literally can't connect with you.
I found a way to make a living doing the thing I love,
but it's been a long time
since I've been able to find the joy in moving.
But I'm still having this career that's happening simultaneously,
but I'm not really finding the joy in it for myself.
But I'm still showing up for my students.
Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys.
It's hard for me to find environments where I truly do love dancing now.
I can see how you have lost some of that.
I'm really blessed that I can make a living doing the thing that I love,
but it's also kind of a curse,
because you can lose the joy in the thing that you love.
We come down hard. All right?
We come down hard, because that's how we're trained
and that's what we really want to do.
Yes, I'm disciplined,
but I love seeing effort in dance.
I don't like it to look too easy or too perfect or too polished.
I like seeing that, especially in women.
I wanna see the power behind what you're doing, and the effort.
But it's hard.
This place has been iconic to me.
I grew up in Idaho in the middle of nowhere,
and I used to, like, see Steps in dance magazines, and I would--
Like, this studio. This studio.
And I just wanted-- Like, I wanted to be here so bad.
And the fact that I'm here with you
and so many familiar faces that I've known for years and years,
I feel so grateful.
-You guys are-- -We love you!
Five, six, seven, eight…
Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period,
but may not become fully manifest
until social demands exceed limited capacities,
or may be masked by learned strategies in later life.
How do I know
When it's overload?
Jennifer!
-Hi! -Say hi!
-Okay, go! -Hi!
Just look.
-Yeah, come on. -Hi!
This is the way I was my face early in the morning…
What in the world is wrong with you?
Saying hello from my favorite place on planet Earth.
My happy place.
I love it here.
It's like… one o'clock, on a Tuesday, in the afternoon.
And this is my second bath today.
Just one of those days.
What do you feel?
Stimming is anything that you do with your body
to be able to get yourself to a regulated place.
What do you feel?
Anything that is bringing about regulation for that person
is really a stimulatory kind of behavior.
Nice toes.
When you were younger,
I think that you were self-stimming when you were twirling.
And your parents called it dancing.
Huh?
Finish dancing your dance.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Could you move your hips any faster?
Ha!
-There you go. -Nice.
Drop.
Now other side.
Beautiful.
Step! Step, step, five! Step, five! Kick, kick, five!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Okay? You wanna try it with music?
One, two.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input
or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment.
Apparent indifference to pain or temperature.
Adverse response to specific sounds or textures.
Excessive smelling or touching of objects.
Visual fascination with lights or movement.
Feel good?
-Yeah. -What feels good about dragging it?
Just like… my human instinct just wants to do this.
The vibration in my hand and the sound.
I feel bound.
There's so many manifestations of social challenges.
There's so many manifestations of sensory issues.
Happy birthday, dear Jennifer
Is it too bright?
The visuals, sound, texture…
-Sorry. Wipe it on your pants. -Uh-uh!
-Oh, Jennifer, stop it. -Yuck!
-Yucky! -Just go back to the car.
It's a lot to process.
-You doing all right, Jenn? -It's too much.
I literally, like, shut down. I feel crazy.
That's why you should let me continue to shop--
No, but I wanted to try to have fun and pick out stuff together.
It was like lightning in my eyes. Like, it was like flashes.
This, like, bright light.
Literally, it felt like my brain was breaking.
Like, permanently.
It's very overwhelming.
I think that your sensory system right now has been on overload for so long.
It's important for you to come up with ways to cope.
Sorry that it hurts…
But that's not always healthy for you.
It's what you need in that moment
to be able to soothe and to deal and to process.
-What? -Having really heavy beer cravings.
It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking when I was fuckin' 13.
Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks.
I understand.
So much
Pour me one too, babe.
When things are too heightened or things are not patterning out
the way that makes sense for someone like you,
the world is gonna be challenging and hard to be in.
As an adult, you basically just stop stimming…
Get it out, buddy.
Burn it out. It's okay. Let it hit you where it needs to hit you.
Because it makes other people feel uncomfortable.
Or you feel judged.
And that's why having the ability to regulate,
to refuel, and to be able to balance in a very healthy way is very important.
I disguised my stimming as dancing.
My hands
My hands…
Find the balance, find the middle,
find where you need to be.
Or also just to cocoon and just be in a space that felt safe.
Yeah, I did that a lot when I was younger.
Like, make little nooks for myself.
And that can be a place where you find a lot of solace
and a lot of comfort.
Being out in nature is very soothing,
so you would wanna go into those spaces for long periods of time and just be.
-Ready? -Yep!
Whoo!
So pretty. What do you think?
I love it.
I love it too.
-I love you. -I love you, buddy.
Tune out the whole world.
-Is that the arm or the hip? What is that? -It's all fucked, doesn't matter.
Was it a sports-related injury you had?
Yeah. I'm a dancer.
-Dr. Borowski will be in in a few. -Okay.
These are too small for me.
-Too small. I need bigger ones. -Let me see your butt.
-Turn around. -No.
Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy.
No, thank you.
-Is she broken? -Is my career over?
Pull this knee towards my hand.
That's… Whoa!
Yeah.
-Okay, so… -Anything lifting my leg is bad.
Okay.
I was able to dance through it. Everything was fine.
-As she always does, though. -Right. Of course.
At this point in my life, all you're doing is dancing through pain.
You've got a couple things going on.
So your hip flexor does certainly seem to be all fired up.
What I would say is that, actually, let's get the MRI now.
I wanna do it to make sure we're not dealing with a stress reaction.
If this becomes a situation, she has Martha Graham coming up.
On top of everything I'm doing, I have nationals coming up.
-Let's do physical therapy… -Classes have 250 to 400 people…
It's gonna be a lot.
Insistence on sameness.
Inflexible adherence to routines.
Or ritualized patterns or verbal/nonverbal behavior.
Take me home
What you thinking?
I'm thinking this is not interesting.
What are you filming?
I think it's interesting.
Pack.
I'm not fun to watch, you know.
Wanna bring James?
I wish.
Jenn's packing, and she's not happy.
What are you thinking?
She's not winning at this moment.
For you, it's very hard to know what to do,
where to begin, how to interact, how to have a conversation,
how to understand someone else's perspective, emotionally.
You are having to process each and every person,
each and every person's emotions,
each and every person's backstory,
reading the room and reading what's happening.
And it is very challenging when you think about
how much someone has to cognitively unpackage something.
And for you, the pressures are quite a few in social situations.
They're many.
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
You've reached Alex. Leave a message.
Yeah, Alex…
I'm here, teaching classes,
but I don't know what the disconnect with my body is.
One of the reasons I love movement so much is because it's fleeting.
Once it comes out, it's done.
I'm happier when I'm moving more.
But literally, the last thing I wanna do is move.
So, yeah, I don't-- I don't know what's happening.
All right, dancers, come out onto the floor if you're taking class.
How am I supposed to motivate these kids if I can't even motivate myself?
What time are you getting here?
Told you you're not allowed to film me while I'm sleeping.
Well, you're awake.
Good night.
Bye.
You have to do a dance in front of the window 'cause the shot's good.
Like…
I can see your silhouette like Beyoncé.
If only.
-I always request a bathtub. -Uh-huh.
That's why I got put back in this building because I think--
-It's a bathtub building? -It's a bathtub building.
I was having panic attacks last night.
Which is so dumb because I'm prepared. Like…
And I've been doing this for over a decade.
-Yeah. -But it just never get--
To me, it gets just harder. It doesn't get easier.
-Really, why? -Yeah, I don't know.
I guess, like…
I don't know. It just doesn't get easier. 'Cause I feel like--
More is expected from you?
Not expected, but like…
I'm like never getting to a place where I'm phoning it in.
I'm still trying to do new things all the time.
-Yeah. -So…
-But do you want to phone it in? -No.
Let's just…
Let's take a breath together.
Exhale.
And just take a moment to remember why you are here.
Are you sober?
Whoa.
-I am actually, yeah. -Yeah.
-Um, about three years. -Yeah.
Why did you stop drinking?
I needed to.
I really want to see you step inside of the movement.
Produce the movement from the inside out, make it yours from the top.
I want to be sober, but I'm struggling with it.
I want you to be generous with your approach
and generous with your spirit.
Don't worry about you right now. Let's affect the others.
Does that make sense?
And realizing that I really started drinking in college
when I was forced to, like, be part of more social community.
Ugh. Exactly.
So I've always really relied on it to, like, help me.
Me too.
It's far better without,
but it is not easier.
Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too.
And I just feel like I want to be done.
Yeah.
I want to be done.
Five, six, seven. Here we go.
One, two, three, four.
Back,
forward, again.
Three, four.
Back,
forward, again.
It's so much more than just the movement.
I like seeing the fight.
Forward. Again.
Three, four. Back.
Forward, again.
How long have you been working together?
Ten years, 11 years.
Again.
I've known Tay since she was 12.
-And how old are you now? -24.
I've been making dances on her since she was 12.
Yeah. Three.
That's it. There's something about your focus. It's everything here.
Three, four.
Back,
forward, again.
One, two, three, four.
Back,
forward, again.
Three, four.
Back, forward, again.
One, two, three, four. Back…
Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment
in social, occupational,
or other important areas of current functioning.
One, two, three, four.
Back, forward, again.
Three, four. Back, forward, again.
One, two, three, four, five…
Jenn, you okay, honey?
…eight…
-Do you not want to go to rehearsal today? -No, I do. I just…
I feel a little crazy.
What's making you feel crazy, honey?
I'm not sure.
It's okay to just have a panicky day sometimes.
The panic attacks seem to be happening a lot more.
And right out the gate in the beginning of the day,
so we laid on the couch for a few minutes and tried to get her to breathe.
Drew her a bath.
Danced around in my underwear a little bit.
Tried to just shock her brain from that terrible sight.
That got some laughs, but it-- You know, it's not lasting.
What do you feel?
I feel out of control.
My emotions come so much faster than my words.
-Yes. -That's what's hard.
Yes.
You're not recognizing that all of this is going on internally,
and you're pushing yourself to the extent that then it comes out,
and you're like, "What is all of this?"
But this has always been. It's just not been talked about.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-And I can't tell what the emotion is. -Yeah.
It's just, like… large.
I think it's just too much.
I don't know how she does it.
It hurts.
It hurts to breathe.
Little bit of a pinch, okay?
Good job, babe. Good job.
So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up,
which has revealed that she has gallstones.
Now we have to have emergency surgery to have them removed.
So, she's pretty, uh…
She's hit pretty hard right now.
We'll come down.
This one is not under your control.
So I'm headed up to White Plains for Alex
because he is in the ER right now up at White Plains,
and Miguel, his husband, is out of town for work.
And so… I'm gonna go up, make sure he's okay.
Hi.
What a pair.
-Hey. -Yeah.
-Hey. -What's going on?
I am in the hospital too.
Whoo!
I would've been there, had I not been sliced open.
That is absolutely true.
I just got to Alex's house.
Um, got him situated.
He's being admitted to the hospital.
Well, he is admitted to the hospital.
Um…
Running some brain MRIs.
He's definitely not himself right now.
Uh, I definitely think it's more than, uh, burnout.
I'm pretty sure he's afraid.
And I know Miguel is rushing to get back here tomorrow.
And on the heels of Jenn,
and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure that just had to happen,
it's like all the people in my life that mean the most to me
are really going through it.
-Do you want to see my cuts? -Of course I do.
They pulled it, the gallbladder, out of this.
-Oh, interesting. -You look gorgeous.
No.
Not us both in the hospital in the same week.
I just wanted to see your guys' faces, 'cause it--
We've all had some really tough weeks, and Ian is, you know, mama bear.
How are you doing? How you feeling?
Went to reload yesterday and today.
I'm just doing some really light movement, but I'm just walking, basically.
That's funny, we were literally in the same position,
because I'm just trying to walk in straight lines.
-Buddy. -I'll go over…
What's going on?
Well, I have, um, this thing called-- Do-- What was it called, Ian?
Guillain-Barré.
Guillain-Barré, sounds beautiful.
So it's like your autoimmune response goes into overdrive
and attacks your nerve cells that talk to your muscles to move.
It's like your proprioception is off.
Yeah, I have no idea what that word means, but yes.
Your body's going like, "Fuck this, we're going to attack everything."
Overreacting.
It can really be paralytic.
And as you know, we're always talking about mind-body connection.
It kind of puts all that kind of stuff in perspective,
because you really got to figure out what's important to you
and make it happen.
-Yeah. -While you still can.
Absolutely.
Yeah, keep going.
Love that.
Growing up, I always felt a little on the outside of my own family
or a little misunderstood.
That's why my chosen family now means so much to me.
We've just known each other for so long.
-Where are you going? -Up.
-How high? -Real high.
Six, seven, and an eight, we go.
That joy, I think that the more that you allow yourself
to kind of get back into what brings you pleasure in your field,
and you'll find that joy again.
Find the things that you love about it,
talk to the people that fill you up,
and surround yourself with those people
and try to have fun and find the fun in what you do again.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in.
Are you gonna be okay?
Always.
-I'm sorry. -It's okay.
-It's how it goes. -Yeah.
Can't feel the ups if you don't feel the downs.
Do you feel the need to give inspirational quotes right now?
Yeah.
What other quotes do you think people should know?
You know…
I've always thought, and this is an original idea…
Be the change that you wish to see in the world.
-Wow. That's deep. -Yeah.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
If movement is what tells your stories and tells your emotions,
I think that's where you need to be right now.
I know… what to do.
It feels like I have a message to share,
which is why I know that my dancing is still there.
Your dance is absolutely with you.
So that tells you a lot about what you need to do for yourself.
I've always understood the world around me
and my place in it by making dance.
I've learned so much.
I wanna share it with the world.
It's time to make something.
You'll find that joy again.
Let's begin.
You got this in the bag Literally in the bag, you're loving it
All the possibilities are endless
What are they?
Endless!
-Who are we? Perfect. -Perfect
We are perfect people In a perfect space
And we honor it With such grace and grace
And we boop, boop, boop, boo!
All right!
Everything that you bring is magic and beautiful and meant to be.
Thank you for all saying yes.
Let's make a show.
Yeah.
Do you have any interest in telling this group how you realized?
When I realized that this is me,
I was completely uneducated… about autism,
a hundred percent uneducated.
I think most of you know the story,
but I realized I might be autistic
while watching Alex's docu-series about Amy Schumer.
Uh, following Amy's pregnancy, creation of a comedy special,
but there was a sidebar in the film about Amy's husband, Chris.
And in the film, he ends up receiving a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.
The way it was shown in the documentary was so-- Just suddenly.
She loved this amazing guy.
There was a disconnect in the way they communicated.
So they went to a doctor.
And it was when I was watching this episode
that I had the epiphany that I too was autistic.
I had never thought this about myself before.
It was when I was watching… you speak
and then, like, the way that your family was speaking about you.
I still-- I don't know what it was.
And I was like, "I really relate to whatever is happening."
They identify that you're different, but then they don't ever tell you that.
If you're with someone on the spectrum, you have to… love that about them.
The way that I found out about myself
was because someone else had the courage to share their story.
That's why I want to make this show.
I remember the moment I realized,
and it literally felt like the world just cracked open.
I think in most realizations you feel--
In something that huge,
is that you feel the world coming down on you,
but you felt the world cracking open.
And I think there's something really beautiful
about needing to feel like what you feel and the way you see is real,
and that "It is my brain."
An actual trait of autism, especially Level 1, is masking.
It just goes hand in hand. Um…
This idea that, like, you're not "allowed" to exist as your real self.
So you make a habit of, like, starting to mask different aspects of yourself.
And over time it builds and builds and builds to a point where, like,
you don't even consciously realize that you're doing it.
Once you realize you're doing it and you have the desire to stop,
it's nearly impossible.
And also like this idea of knowing who you are
underneath all of that also feels impossible.
We have footage going all the way back to Jenn's ultrasound.
Her father filmed everything.
Can you tell me about what you're putting together?
It's hard to explain.
Trying to build this analysis environment of Jenn's diagnosis,
an expression of how she survived through movement
and how she created a lot of her vocabulary
through her stimming, her tics, her anxieties.
When I was little, I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy.
It made everything disappear, literally.
So it's an analysis of an evolution
of a movement vocabulary she didn't realize she was making.
It's almost like I make the movement from an instinctual place,
and then I'm able to look back on it
and understand what I was feeling at the time.
What you did is took dance and made that your way of regulating
from when you were little and you flapped your hands and you'd spin.
-Twirl! -They became very positive.
So I think dance connected you in so many ways
to people in the dance world that said, "Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend,"
because you were so into what they were into.
Spin me!
That's what's been so powerful for me to think about.
When I was doing those things,
people said that I was dancing.
That repetition of movement really connected you.
And I think in your dance, that's communication,
and it's connected you with so many people 'cause you don't have to use your words.
You can use your body to say something.
You're an individual person looking at other individuals
that have an easier time at socially relating,
but they don't see the world in the beautiful way you do.
There's something to celebrate but not see in a negative light,
because they're really beautiful.
Dr. Kim…
-I know. She… -Can we just talk about Dr. Kim?
That is beautifully said to reassure
someone who has new information
that may literally shift the trajectory of her life.
Oh!
-There we go. -Perfection.
Sonya, she's been a constant in my career and my life.
There's no part of this piece that exists without the two of us coming together.
She told me on my roof,
I thought she was--
She said, "I have something to tell you." I was like, "Oh fuck."
Got very serious.
And then what did I ask you? "Are you pregnant?"
-"Are you quitting?" -Yeah.
What did I do?
-It was all these questions. -Yeah.
-I was like, "I'm autistic." -And then I was like, "Oh!"
-Yeah, "Oh!" -"Oh!"
"Fuck yes. Okay. Like, now what?"
That's what makes it crazy.
It's not the actual diagnosis itself and the experience of being autistic.
It's going through almost 34 years of your life not knowing it.
We've had many experiences together,
and those experiences are part of this too.
Like, the struggles she's had in our friendship and our workplace.
I just wish I knew
because to be able to have an awareness
of how to have her live life but also live a life she sees as lighter…
Like, a little lighter.
I didn't know.
That's the point.
If you don't know, you don't even have a starting point.
-You don't even have a chance. -Yeah.
What's crazy is that you feel sad or bad about it,
but I felt the most seen by you.
That's ironic.
Let's make this show together.
Together.
Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry.
Love you But you're gonna lose your mind
I'm gonna do it In the musical theater fashion
Maybe you won't cry
Are these still my hands?
I can't feel them
Don't recognize them anymore…
I'm experiencing some serious burnout
at a level that, like, I've ever experienced before.
Literally not even being able to move.
So that's why, like, this process and to make this piece,
doing this now is serendipitous in a way
because… I feel so far away from, like, what I knew before
that, like, if I don't step into something like this now,
I feel like I might lose it.
-Yeah. -You know?
Like, I need to know myself back in this place that feels like home.
Like it used to.
Or else I don't know if I will step back into it.
I love these people.
They're family to me.
So there's something about the combination of hearing Kim
and then seeing them in the space.
Thank you so much to every single person in this room.
I don't know. It's like life and art meet
in this, like, really cool way that I've never experienced before for myself.
I've witnessed that happening for other people, but not for me.
So, it's really cool.
Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us since you put it…
So that's kind of everything in a nutshell.
Do you have questions for me?
Oh!
-Yeah. -Okay!
-That's exciting. Hit it again. -Yeah.
Um, So that's kind of everything in a nutshell.
Do you have questions for me?
That might be the fucking… thing that unlocks it.
-Yep. -"Yes, I do."
"And it's right-- And here are my questions." Literally.
That's great. Hit it again. Good job, Jenn.
Do you have questions for me?
Love it. Let's keep going.
I'm more than what you see
Look at this.
All my hair is breaking.
I'm literally losing, like,
tons of hair.
Look at this.
All broken.
And my hair is, like, falling out.
What is happening to me?
How long am I just gonna be like this?
-I don't feel good. -Hm?
I don't feel good.
Do you want to talk to Alex?
He deals with this stuff a lot too.
Alex.
What?
I'm gonna call Alex.
Still no?
Waiting for Alex to call me.
Okay.
Hey. It's Alex.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
-Where have you been? -What's going on?
Uh…
Well, I was back in the hospital.
What happened?
It was the same thing that happened before.
That's awful. Why?
I have a variant of Guillain-Barré called Miller Fisher syndrome.
And it just keeps coming back again, again, and again.
How is this happening?
For me specifically,
they don't really know what has been causing it
other than mental and physical stress.
But this kind of stuff has been happening since I can remember.
What do you mean?
I really don't understand it. Um…
But it is part of something bigger, you know?
Do you want to share?
It affects me in a way
where I can't-- physically and mentally can't function.
Can you explain that a little bit more?
Well, I always understood what depression was
because I was always deep, deep in it.
I didn't realize that.
And I always knew the word "anxiety,"
but for some reason, I didn't really know what it meant.
Once I really learned what it meant,
I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline."
The reality is that it's always like that for me.
I've had depression and anxiety, like,
for so long that I didn't even know that I was suffering
because I thought that that's just how life was.
Same.
-Yeah, I've been on medication for years. -Yeah.
It's taking away the edge,
but you still have these huge bouts of anxiety.
You still have these bouts of depression.
You literally couldn't be healthier.
-Yeah. -You couldn't exercise more.
You're also sober.
Like, what the fuck else are you supposed to do better?
-Yeah. -And then you're still feeling like this.
Well, basically,
I really feel like I could share this with you guys, uh, now.
We learned a while ago that I'm actually, um…
bipolar.
And… it, uh, affects me
in more ways than I would like to admit.
-My immune system can go bananas. -Yeah.
And then my body just… breaks down.
Same.
I'm void.
-Yeah. -I'm empty.
-There's nothing. -Yeah.
We're not working towards eliminating these episodes.
Right.
You're actually working towards accepting them as part of your life.
Aren't I supposed to be comforting you?
I understand.
But, like, knowing you're not alone, it's not your fault,
that's enough sometimes to just get someone, like, moving forward.
Thank you for listening.
Saying it out loud is-- That's the hardest part.
Well, you make it easier.
You and I still got some shit to figure out.
Do you feel sadness or do you feel relief right now?
No, I just feel like I'm changing.
I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad…
but good.
What type of changes are you feeling?
No, I think it's just letting go of, like, the idea of what I--
Like, what I thought, um, I was.
Jennifer is a straight-A student,
who likes school and loves to dance.
When she is older, Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer.
Jennifer would like to thank her family for helping her so much with dance.
She loves them very much.
I was obsessed with it.
Always have been, always will be.
I liked that I lost myself in, like, the hard work and the dancing.
So would you say at those times you're at peace when you're dancing?
Yeah.
I think nothing else exists,
but I'm also going to a place of just ignoring my needs completely.
Being in the dance world,
you're constantly surrounded by people who are not honoring balance.
'Cause it's just a culture of…
pushing.
Your pattern has been to just push until you fall over.
I actually burned out.
When we talked about burnout,
the lever, the switch for doing for people with ASD across the board
is that it goes all the way to the end.
And so, you know how to push yourself
to the point where you're falling onto the floor.
How do I know When I'm finished?
'Cause when I'm finished
There's always more to do More to do, more to do
More to do, more to, more
More
I feel crazy.
I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know…
anything.
I feel scared,
and…
I didn't know that…
it was gonna be this hard…
learning all of this about myself.
No time to wait
Or think
How do I know how?
There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge
and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever.
Just makes it… a lot more real.
Go
It's hard because you are so tired, and that's…
When we talk about "all or nothing" thinking,
it's "all or nothing" doing.
Go, go, go, go
You also have a tendency to do the extreme.
So it's almost like you run yourself completely into the ground,
and your body's just like, "Wait a second, we have to stop."
Keep going, go, go
Yeah. How is your hip?
It's been really bad.
I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping.
So it's starting to feel a little scary.
Go
Does anything make it feel better?
If I'm being honest,
I've had chronic pain since I was a teenager.
Shh
Right there.
Do more, go
And have you been to someone that's looked at all your blood work
to look to see if there's anything going on that's autoimmune?
And I know we talked about this,
but there's a higher correlation of autoimmune and ASD.
Go
My markers for lupus were…
Go
…high.
Go…
You have a different scenario than a lot of other dancers.
You have this underlying diagnosis, autoimmune issue.
I know that stress can kick off a reaction.
Don't worry about the money now.
-I don't wanna self-produce a show again. -You're not going to.
Especially a show that I'm performing in.
The biggest grant that we applied for, we didn't get.
We were finalists, so we were close,
but it's always a big bummer
because it's kind of a start-over with fundraising now.
You have been taught to endure pain.
You've been taught to endure discomfort.
What should I do?
So that's where I just get overwhelmed.
More
I just want to focus on one thing.
Everything besides my show, like teaching and choreographing,
they're not just side jobs.
I put everything into them.
But it's just what it takes from me.
No time to wait
No time to think
No time to feel
Should I do more?
I'll do more
Do more
And that's a huge drain to kind of go through that
and to reveal yourself.
And that's why, as you're saying,
"I've been through a lot, and I just want to be still."
I'm just trying to, like, keep showing up every day.
-Yeah. -Whether I know what I'm doing or not.
Go, go, go
What should I do more?
Should I do more?
Should I? Should I? Should I?
Should I?
It's the cost of our living that's burning you out?
Yeah, I just need the burden of supporting our lifestyle to go away.
We can also cancel your show
because the last thing you should be doing the show for is for the other,
the outside world, Sonya or Alex or--
I'm not. I want to make this show.
But that's all I want to do. I don't want to do anything else.
Let's make that happen.
Should I do more?
I'll do more…
You gotta lean on me, boo.
You're not putting anything on me. You're my sister.
-How do you have capacity? -You're-- I'm obsessed.
I'm obsessed with dance.
I'm obsessed with ideas.
I'm obsessed with my soul sister feeling better.
Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it.
I'm only in this for, like, the reason of sharing.
It's the little ripples, you know?
The most important thing is the people who need to see this piece see the piece.
That's a lot of people.
We'll find a way.
I know the show is happening. Like, I see that.
Like, that I know in my soul.
I don't know where or when it's happening. And I don't know how it's happening.
So much of this career is maybe not super healthy for me.
Yes, it's been all the great things, but I would not recommend it for everyone.
It's just my special interest,
and what was helpful for me was dance.
What are you scared about the most
when you think of packing up and leaving the city?
Now that you know it's happening.
Just a lot of change all at once.
And I… don't know what the future looks like.
We're selling our dream home
that we now no longer can justifiably keep.
Can't afford it, making the art that I wanna be making.
Yeah, I made the decision to cancel everything this fall.
I don't know what's gonna happen. I've never done this before.
I just turned down $50,000 worth of work.
You said five, right? Not 50?
-Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work -Oh.
Feels good. Oh, yeah.
Okay, here we go. Cheers.
Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore.
Yeah, I have no fucking clue what's next other than this show.
It feels like taking steps back to take steps forward, for sure.
That's like us, babe.
-The two street rats? -Yeah, from Jersey.
-Two street rats moving to Jersey. -You're the fatter one.
I'm the fat--?
Well, we won't be walking distance from this view anymore.
No, ma'am.
But I imagine that even if we fail forward,
we'll be better off than staying here watching the ducks swim by.
Also, straight line.
They're saying, "Get your ducks in a row."
-It's what balance feels like. -Yeah.
Maybe in your work,
you're going to help redefine that for the dance world.
Pushing as an athlete is important,
but the rest is important.
The nutrition is important, the balance.
Your mind, your health, your emotions, all of that's a part of that.
And I would imagine that when that's all in balance,
you're going to have the most incredible performance.
Yeah, that's what I'm wanting to find, what that looks like.
Thank you, Jennifer.
-Yeah, I like that, what that looks like. -Yeah.
-Yeah, because you don't know it yet. -Mm.
But you're finding it.
The best type of art is the art
is the art you're not totally aware you're making.
You're just ever present in it.
Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now through a new set of eyes myself,
and starting to understand what may have connected me to Jenn in the first place,
and what connected her to me, and why we so quickly just…
I'm trying to grapple this grit factor
of growing up a punk-ass sad kid in the '90s
that drank way too much too young,
where you just shove your shit down and be tough and get through.
I gotta let go of that old Ian completely, and that's been pretty fucking hard,
doing that in tandem with her right now in this time.
My head hurts so bad.
Where are the keys?
Did I have the keys?
Be right back.
He seems stressed.
-He's going through it right now. -Okay.
I'm having my last bath in our New York City apartment,
but I think it's all good.
We're moving to Jersey for a little while.
For who knows how long, actually.
But first…
Take me home
Take me…
Persistent deficits in social communication
and social interaction across multiple contexts.
Take me home
Home
That was a really beautiful place for you to grow up,1
a place where you felt very secure and at home.
Being out in nature is very soothing.
Jenn!
Damn it!
Less of an environment that is pressing on you
to have a response or to be sensory regulated.
At the same time that I'm having all of this clarity,
I also feel kind of adolescent in a way.
I really feel like I'm experiencing everything for the first time again.
I'm home
And so I have this instant desire to know where this came from.
It's just so confusing to me because there's so much love there,
but no chance of successful communication.
That's what it feels like.
But I just had this deep feeling that I had to leave.
Yeah.
I felt nothing leaving home.
Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviors
used for social interaction.
There's a difference between loving and needing.
You haven't ever really needed me.
Mom.
That's not true.
Jennifer… can you say, "Happy Mother's Day"?
Mother's Day.
Yeah.
I got called selfish a lot when I was little.
Let go!
What are you trying to push me away for?
More combative.
Told that I don't care about my family.
So I started to believe that.
Once you get a diagnosis
and then you also have the information that it's genetic or it runs in families,
you start to look at your family.
-You just threw a lot on my… brain. -Sorry.
I can't control her.
The way I was raised, when my mom said, "boo,"
you jumped.
That's never, ever happened for me.
It feels like it really all stems from communication.
Yes.
That's the way I used to feel with my mom.
I can't communicate with this person.
It makes me feel insane.
When you say to me, "Why do you need to know?"
And "What's the point of getting a diagnosis?"
And "What changes things?" And "Who cares?"
I don't understand your world,
because you haven't shared it with me.
I haven't been able to let you in my world
because there's been a huge missing piece.
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity.
Why are you going through all this stuff?
Just trying to find money for my show.
Trying to sell those dolls?
I'm seeing how much I could sell it for.
Each one of these really does represent so much hard work.
Thank God I found dance because I grew up in such a small town.
There wasn't a lot of opportunity, and, like, people don't leave.
As your mother said, had you not had dance,
you would've gone bad.
-Yeah. -Gone real bad.
With Idaho, I see it.
There's this whole populace of people
that never had access to mental health care.
Or it's not discussed.
Not a comfortable place to be…
I'm coming!
…anything that is considered other.
Jenn didn't fit into the equation of what that town is.
It's a really small town.
The population when I was growing up there was 700 or something like that.
-What's the name of your town? -Star.
Oh, my God. This is the birth book that has two pages full or something.
"Notes on behavior."
"Eight months old. You wanted to play with big kids, not the babies your age."
"At this age, you are very independent and argumentative."
"Sometimes I wonder if I will even make it through the day."
"You are very intelligent."
"You spell your name, count."
"You have a vocabulary that is amazing at times."
"Screams a lot. Screams a lot."
Is that in there?
-Let go! -You got it. Take it off.
-Let go! You don't… -You got it.
"Most important though,
we love you more than we ever thought possible."
"You are a wonderful child, and I couldn't trade you for anything."
"You are such a grown-up little girl."
"February 21, 1991."
Deficits in developing, maintaining
and understanding relationships.
Part of having autism, they say, is genetic.
This is dysfunctional.
Obviously your siblings and your family hold up a mirror to you.
-Fits right in then, right? -We're family.
All of these real-life revelations are happening simultaneously
with the creation of the show.
Hold your doll up so everybody can see it.
And so discoveries that are happening in my life
are ending up in front of me on stage in this really beautiful and organic way.
I will follow you…
Bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear?
Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear?
I think you have it.
Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear?
-She's cute. She didn't see me. -She can crawl, remember?
In a perfect world,
I could pull, like, tons.
Yeah.
Like there's a mountain of them at my feet when I'm done.
Yeah.
Can you say a couple words about this piece?
-What it means to you? -Yeah.
There's Robbyn's mom's house.
Hi, Grandma!
At my grandma's house,
I just have all these memories of play
and feeling really free.
Peek-a-boo!
She had this innate way of knowing
how to, like, let me do things over and over and over and over again.
So I just always felt really free because she would never stop me.
I'd play the same song a hundred times,
and she'd never say, "Okay, it's time to turn it off."
The tissues are because when I was little I couldn't skip.
Kim told me that's a common trait of an autistic child
is they have a hard time skipping.
And so my grandma taught me how to skip by giving me a box of tissues.
She'd say, "When you step, you grab the tissue,
and then when you hop, you throw it."
So that's how I learned how to skip.
And I remember the whole living room would just be, like, covered in tissues.
And she didn't make me clean them up
or feel bad about making a mess or anything like that.
But that's how I learned how to skip.
So that's where the tissue idea comes from.
She taught you how to move in a way that was rhythmic.
People with ASD often have a motor disfluency.
So they don't always have that rhythm to the way they move.
And that's why skipping was hard for you.
Your grandmother really walked you through that
in a very visual way with tissues
and was able to show you through stepping
as you pulled the tissues and hop as you tossed the tissue.
And once she did that, you had it.
And that's really how you reach people with ASD,
is you follow their currency.
What a gift she gave you.
So Jennifer learned to be independent at a very early age.
I didn't learn until my mom died.
You really relied on her.
I did.
And I always wanted that for you.
I've never resented you.
I loved everything about you.
I just needed help sometimes.
Funny little bird I'll watch you grow
What a gift she gave you.
Yeah.
-Hello? -Hi.
-Cut to it.
Uh, the Perelman is commissioning our show.
-What the fuck? -What the fuck?
We're going to be part of the inaugural season.
Sonya got this email from Bill, the artistic director, today.
He said, "Forgive the delayed response. It's been a crazy stretch."
"We are definitely all in
on wanting to commission and help make this happen."
"Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing this beautiful project to us."
This is not normal.
-This is like-- -That's what we should call the doc.
-"This is not Normal." -That's what you should call it.
This is beyond,
like, truly beyond anything that I could have dreamt, seriously.
-It's amazing. -Yeah.
I didn't know that something like this was even possible.
This is crazy.
Well, it only takes, you know, traumatic things in your life to happen.
You can't just open those doors.
Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo!
You're just imagining what it's gonna be like.
Taking it in.
So cool.
I want you to know that you always have me if you need me,
but that you have the ability to say what you need in life.
And you needed me today,
and I'm so glad to give this space to you to be able to talk.
So I feel so good that you asked, and I'm glad you did.
Do you have questions for me?
Yes, I do.
I'd be glad to talk it through with you if you need ever it.
I would. I think that would be, I think, beneficial.
-I would appreciate that. Thank you. -Okay. Yeah. Sure.
It's encouraging because I know why I'm doing it.
-And I think you do too. -Yes.
-The why is there. -Yeah.
Parents that know that their child is autistic or might be on the spectrum,
but they don't choose to identify it…
-"Let's just wait and see if they pass." -Mm-hm.
And that's really sad because that child knows
that they are not the same as the other children.
And so you're basically, by ignoring it, teaching them to ignore themselves.
-Mm-hm. -I'm not saying it's malicious.
-It's done with love. -They think it's the best interest.
But as someone who got diagnosed fairly late in life,
I wish that I had known sooner.
Like I… definitely wish I knew sooner.
-Me too. -Mm-hm. Yeah.
Why don't you take the camera from Alex?
-Okay. -Point it at him for a minute.
-Okay. -That okay?
-Yeah. -Is it on?
-It's on. It says "recording," right? -Yeah.
Alex!
-There's a lot happening. -Yeah.
-Still happening currently. -Yeah.
So, I'm just wondering where you are on the rollercoaster.
Say something.
I don't have anything to say to you.
I know. Wait, are you stressed?
No. I feel like there's a better way.
Well, I feel lucky that I found you.
Don't throw me yet.
-When we did and how we did. -Wow, pretty.
Or rather we found each other.
For a reason that is turning into something that is bigger than both of us.
I totally understand that.
You've become one of my closest friends.
Spot Alex.
But I realize that we're much more alike than I thought.
You know I don't like this.
Because you're able to mask it so well for everybody else.
You're never too old to feel special.
But I feel like I got to see you,
like, really see you.
I realized that you are… a mirror.
Does anyone else know you're autistic
other than me and Dr. Gilbert?
No.
You've been hiding parts of yourself that you don't prefer.
Yeah.
And now you're being asked to expose the parts of yourself
you've been working your entire life to hide.
It was a point where I-- It just basically broke.
Yeah, and a few years ago, I just shut down.
I didn't know what to do. That's when I was getting really bad.
It was affecting work and family and friends.
I just-- I couldn't do anything.
And where do you feel sadness in your body?
Oh, everywhere.
You lose your words a little.
-Yeah. I understand. -Yeah.
I cannot even look people in the eye at that point and communicate.
Why do you think we're like that?
There's some questions that have to do with feelings and emotions.
-Mm-hm. -And the first one is just happiness.
Like, what makes you happy?
-My family. -Yes.
I'm very fortunate when it comes to that.
Hey, Mom.
-Hi, sweetie. -How are you?
-Are you taking a video? -Yes.
-Oh, dear. -Say something sweet.
-I love you. -Thank you.
-And I'm thrilled for you. -Thank you, Mom.
Ha!
Oh!
Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys.
I get a lot of inspiration from my brother 'cause I look up to him.
Because so much of me comes from him.
-You're very close with him. -Very much so.
He's crazy.
And then there's Miguel.
God, I love that man. I think about it often.
I think if I didn't have Miguel, like if we never met,
I don't know where I would be.
So, I do see that diagnosis for you, and you meet the criteria for it.
What do you think about that?
It's honestly not what I expected to hear.
What are you feeling right now?
I just didn't expect it.
I think that's a common thing people say, "You don't look autistic."
"You don't appear that way." Or "Why is it important?"
Because I know there are people that are further along on the spectrum,
this goes on in my mind, that need it more than I do.
Me getting a diagnosis, specifically,
makes me feel like I'm taking it away from somebody else.
-I don't know why. -Yeah.
You're an adult,
you've already made it past the finish line of where it's the hardest.
-Common mentality. -Exactly.
After all this time of proving that you're capable,
why would you want a label, like a terrible label, like autism?
Why wouldn't you choose to continue passing as a neurotypical person?
Why in the world would you out yourself like that?
-That's what they're really saying. -Yeah, I'm tired of pretending.
-That's what needs to change. -Yeah.
-Béyonce! -You ready?
Nine.
Bang, bang.
Eight. Seven.
Six, five, four,
three, two, one.
I was iffy on that one. I didn't know if it was too weird.
No, that's what I think it needs to be more of.
It's so cool.
Well, you know I'm a film editor.
What's that like?
It's like trying to solve a puzzle with infinite possible combinations
while simultaneously designing the puzzle at the same time.
I love this because I've since learned that my particular brain is just wired
to process, see, and create things differently.
Yes.
Any success came from being completely obsessed with it,
but also blindly ignorant to my limits.
-Totally. -Hey!
Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer!
Like you, once I had to start surviving on it as a career,
I felt as an artist that I lost my purpose.
I failed at understanding the complexities, politics,
and my loss of trust in so many people.
It's something-- It's a outcome that I'm not happy I have.
-I don't know what I'm saying. -No, you're explaining.
I have an unrelenting trust in people, to a fault.
I see what they do on the surface as what they mean.
And that puts you in that space of being taken advantage of.
That's where I always struggle.
You know, just like you, I could push through anything,
but just like you, I would burn hot and then burn out.
I didn't know what autistic burnout was, so I had no tools to fight it.
Yeah.
And neither did my best friend, Ray.
All right!
I hate being in front of the camera, but I'll do this for you guys. Love you.
We were so alike.
-We're so, so, so alike. -Yeah.
I knew his personality.
I knew his fears and anger, and also what he presented to the world,
which was very different.
Except for Ray,
I never really talked to anybody about anything before.
He was very outgoing.
-But it was to compensate. -Okay.
Like with Jenn,
I saw a side of Ray that few others really got to see.
And I saw myself.
He was a light.
He was a light in my life.
Several years ago, um…
he took his own life by jumping out of a building window.
And I can't help but think
that if we both knew then what I know now,
maybe he could have shifted to a better path with the right tools.
Let's talk about happy things. What'd you think of the film?
Because I'm thinking about changing the whole thing.
What are you thinking? Like, I've just been feeling you so much.
The experiences you're having in real life are gonna change your perspective.
As much as you're telling my story,
like, your experience and your point of view
is such a big part of what you're making.
You need to be in there too.
You're not the one that usually is doing the sharing.
You're showing, you know, what someone else has decided to share.
So, it's a different light for you.
-It's just scary. -Yeah.
Because originally I wasn't part of it at all,
but that's the only story we have.
I'd never talk about anything with anybody ever, honestly.
That's just something I'd never had before, even with Miguel.
Because I've always kind of put that…
What are you fearful of?
It's the shame of it, you know? I don't know why.
It's really hard to get past that part
because I never fully fit in anywhere.
So I sought approval wherever I could,
which made me easy to manipulate into things like, um…
sexual-- child sex abuse. Um…
Oh, wow.
I've never really said that out loud before.
How old were you when this started?
Maybe, um, five or six, I think.
Wow. You were so young.
-Yeah. -Alex.
The tough part, too, about abuse is it's so secretive.
Unfortunately, that person taught you
to cover up and to be quiet,
to not be you.
It's more highly correlated than the neurotypical population.
I was scared of being perceived as gay.
-Okay. -Um…
That was my biggest fear, and I think that's why I kept quiet.
I just didn't understand it.
But the world was telling me that gay was bad.
But you feared, when you were little, what would happen?
That I would be unlovable, and let go.
Mm.
I now know that that was never even a possibility.
That takes so much energy, Alex, to hold that for that long.
Learning how to talk about things with you
has made it a lot easier to connect with Miguel.
I never thought I'd be able to talk to him like this without any fear.
I've-- I had missed that since Ray.
But now Jenn has also come into that role for me.
Because we can process things together instead of alone.
I just hide away when it gets bad.
You and me are so similar in so many ways.
-It's ridiculous. -I know.
-She wants to be completely sober. -She does, yeah.
-Wanting it for so long. -Yeah.
Like nothing, nothing…
I'm trying to just show up and be brave with everything and share everything.
That's really important to me.
But this is like something that I have so much shame about.
-And so then I just feel like… it's all… -Yeah.
I'm like a… I'm just like a lie.
Depression and anxiety also can be comorbid with ASD.
Often people also will go to alcohol to soothe
because it can open up doors to make it a lot easier in those situations.
She was crying, she said, "I'm worried that if I stay with you,
I can't become sober, and I don't ever want to be without you."
And I think that was the part where I was like….
"Goddamn."
"Goddamn it."
Just know that I love you guys unconditionally.
And, like, I might be one of the better ones to kind of understand.
I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you.
-That's it. Not that far. -Yeah.
-Just like you were with autism. -Yeah.
-Just know I'm here to support. -Thank you.
The more that you talk, the more that you let people see you
and love you will give you more of that core belief that you matter.
Your weight in the world is important.
Yeah.
Happy birthday…
These are the reasons why I've been working so hard
to understand my brain
long before getting this diagnosis.
Because I'm terrified.
I don't want to get to the point where I feel like there's no other option,
but to turn everything off.
Ian.
-Ian. -What?
-I can't see you. -Huh?
I can't see you.
No, no, no. Let me see you. So I know where you are.
So where are we?
Jacob's Pillow.
In the most beautiful studio in America.
Tell me where we are.
We are here at the Church at Sag Harbor.
I mean, this space is magical.
All of these organizations donated not only space to us,
but most importantly, time.
Creating a show like this can take years and so many resources.
In our art form and in many places,
there's a recipe that has been the same for a long time
that is not working anymore.
And if we could soften that,
and explore that together,
and not consider these situations as flaws or a hindrance…
And maybe things take a little bit more time,
but what would happen if you gave time
for a beautiful brain to encompass an idea?
What would it be like?
That's what I want.
For autistic people,
one of the most common stims is just free improv dancing.
I would like to keep some of this improvised.
I think it's important to be able to walk in and go,
"What do you need?" Not, "What's wrong?"
Jenn's not trying to, in Jenn's case,
cure it or fix her.
It's awareness.
Being really clear that this is my story only,
and I have no interest in making any type of overarching or grand statement
about autism in general or anyone else's experience.
And that's really important because autism is a spectrum
and people have many different types of support needs.
The arrival of that,
I think it would help with the forearm more to really
feel the stops, yeah.
So, the realization that my brain will never be changed,
that was, like, the most freeing thing.
Are there any questions right now before we begin? Anything?
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
Yeah.
Ooh…
We're trying out using language from the actual diagnostic criteria.
And I think it's really interesting seeing that rigid language
juxtaposed with a human experience.
Like, when you read the DSM criteria for autism,
it's so rigid.
The first word of every trait, it's like,
"failure, abnormal, inability, deficit."
Then hearing the way my therapist describes these traits,
she describes them in the most beautiful, positive way.
So seeing that language up against each other
and then also seeing, like, video of a child,
it, like, doesn't match up.
Yeah.
Sometimes there's just stuff.
Yeah, I mean, same.
What
What did you do
When you grew out of the red dress
I never asked you
-Got it! -Yay.
-Great! -That's what this time's for.
Tell me where we are.
-I can't hear you. Speak up. -La Jolla.
-La Jolla? -La Jolla? Is that you? Oh, hi.
Yes, we'd love to.
We'd love to come spend three months there.
Thank you so much, bye.
We are at the infamous La Jolla Playhouse
in our rehearsal room
in La Jolla, California.
First day.
First day!
We see this memory here
and the tractor and the doll are important to see.
Our show has also been commissioned by La Jolla Playhouse.
We're the first dance piece ever, I think,
to be a part of the main season,
and it's just a total dream
to be able to come here,
to have a creative process,
to be able to play
and fail and learn and grow.
-Okay, everybody. Yay! -Have a great show!
-Oh… -Ah!
You just feel so held and supported.
Yay!
Having this opportunity to dream big is incredible.
That was amazing.
Whoa!
Hold it up.
Whoa!
They even spelled your name right.
Is it Thursday yet?
Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?
When am I gonna be dancing again?
When Jenn was little,
dance was on Thursday.
Even when it was Monday,
she asked, "Is it Thursday yet?
-What? -Over and over.
I was really saying, "I need it to be Thursday, and I need dance every day,"
but I didn't even know how to express that at that time.
When am I gonna be dancing again?
There was this anticipation for Thursday
because it brought a peace and a release.
It brought her a profound sense of order.
Is it Thursday yet?
And so I just find that so beautiful.
Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?
What's happening today?
It's our opening night at La Jolla Playhouse
and first time with an audience.
What are you thinking now?
I'm just so proud of us
that I can't believe three years have gone by.
-Yeah. -You know what I mean?
I think I'll feel more emotional
after the show when I finally get to see all the people that I love.
I also don't know how many people will be here.
Twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen,
thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six…
This is so crazy. What are we doing?
…three, two, one.
As a newly diagnosed autistic person,
I'm rediscovering myself and who I am as an artist
in real time as the show is coming together.
I am beyond grateful that there are places like the PAC and La Jolla Playhouse.
It says so much about the risks they're willing to take
because so much art begins
in ways that are unusual or unquantifiable.
It just feels so big.
I'm so, so proud of you.
Thank you. I love you.
I love you too.
Good morning, Jenn.
Let's begin.
Let's go!
What did you do?
Where did feeling go?
Perfect!
See everybody when you said "Get up"?
-They were dancing. -Yeah, dancing.
Good job.
I'm proud of you, hon.
I love you so much.
I'm so, so lucky.
My cup runneth over with gratitude that you're in my life.
Oh, my God.
The three of us are like that Spider-Man meme.
You're autistic. Wait, you're autistic. Wait.
-Yo! -I know.
Oh, fuck!
All right.
Alex, we must go. We must pick the look.
-I'll be back to confirm. -You're getting kicked out.
Uh, just yell, I'll be right there.
-Great. -Love you, babe.
-The last time you have to see me. -Yeah, right.
-Bye. It's been real. -Bye. It's been great. Lots of fun.
When you contacted me about this project,
you didn't know that it was gonna turn into
a piece centered around autism.
No.
Would you want to have an autistic kid again?
Yeah.
-You would? -I would have you again.
-You would have me again? -Yeah.
And it would be nice to have you with a little more understanding,
but even without the understanding, I would do it all over again.
Hello, love.
-Hi, Mom. -Give me a kiss.
I do have to say that since losing Ray,
besides Miguel,
having you guys to talk to about this type of stuff
has been something that's been very, like, special to me.
Yeah.
'Cause I don't have that with anybody else.
Even if this all ended today,
like there was no support for the doc, it didn't move on, I feel like it still…
Did its job.
-It saved Jenn's life and your life. -Yeah.
That does sound a bit dramatic,
but it is true for me.
-To love and life. -To love and life.
-There's no going back. -No.
There was before the diagnosis, and there was after.
-There's BD and AD. -Yes, totally.
It's not even like a next chapter.
-It's like a whole new book. -Yeah.
'Cause it keeps on going
More people are just piecing their stories together
and sharing information and having access to information
and seeing themselves in other people's experience,
not opening a textbook.
Yeah.
I've been doing some research
about movement as therapy for people with ASD,
and I'm really excited for how it's gonna change my teaching.
Yeah, I have a feeling it will.
If you share that with people, it's helping them to also understand
that they can move it to their art or their work to help balance themselves.
I feel like there are many examples
of people who have existed safely inside the dance community,
who otherwise might not have had such vibrant, peaceful lives.
I see it in students,
and it's mostly the students that I, like, connect really deeply with.
That's an incredible story.
The ones who maybe need it more than they understand.
It's my pleasure to be of support and help to you.
You've been so kind, so supportive, and so wonderful
that I can't express how much…
how special it really has been
to just-- to me, to Jenn.
I don't know how else to thank you.
Oh, Alex.
But I would like to see you as a patient.
I'd like to give you some money.
Well, Alex, you know, sometimes in life, money is not the thing.
And as it keeps going
If there's no need For the perfect image
Don't miss it
Like I did
It feels like a gift.
Ooh
The diagnosis feels like a… a gift.
Ooh
It's like…
Exactly.
Ooh tly.