WEBVTT

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-You okay?
-Mm-hmm.

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-Is this your first baby?
-Mm-hmm.

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Okay.

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Here's the baby's heart beating.

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This is the baby's abdomen.

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Here's the right kidney,

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the left kidney,

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the spine,

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the tailbone, the lumbar,

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dorsal, shoulder, the elbow.

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The baby has a lot of room to move around.

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This is the baby's head.

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This is the outline of the baby's skull,
looking down on the top.

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This is looking down into the brain.

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All the anatomy looks normal.
The baby's the right size.

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Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart,

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everything I can see on a baby this age
all looks normal.

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Hi, everybody.

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Hello.

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Okay, we have
a short amount of time together, so…

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I know a lot of you are graduating soon.

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And moving into the world,
there's always a lot of unknown.

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And this is a time where it feels like
you need to look everywhere for advice.

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And you need to look everywhere
to understand how to go through your life.

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So I just want to remind you,
remember that you're here.

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And to look inward
and to trust yourselves,

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because you have more answers
in here than you think you do.

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I feel scared.

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I didn't know
that it was going to be this hard…

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learning all of this about myself.

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Do you have questions for me?

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Yes.

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But at some point,
I just made the connection

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that it's dangerous
to have curiosity or to ask questions.

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Ten and one…

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People need to understand

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that some people
experience the world in a different way.

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But the incredible way
that you perceive the world is amazing.

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If dance was taken away from me,
I wouldn't know myself.

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But that's why this changes everything.

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Tell me more.

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There's a change
when you're actually able to acknowledge

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and name experiences and feelings
that you've been having forever.

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It just makes it a lot more real.

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It's always felt
like something just didn't add up.

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Everything just feels different now.

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We see a challenge in three areas.

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One is communication.

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One is socialization.

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And one is repetitive
and stereotyped behaviors.

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You really are hitting
all of those three marks.

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And I have to see it over time,

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through your history
and early development.

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There is a neurobiology
to the way the person is

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that starts very early in childhood

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and really goes with you
through a lifetime.

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And so you do meet the criteria
for autism spectrum disorder.

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Autism spectrum disorder
is a complex developmental condition

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that involves persistent challenges
in social interaction,

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speech, and nonverbal communication
and restricted/repetitive behaviors.

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ASD is typically diagnosed
in toddlerhood or early childhood.

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The effect of ASD and the severity
of symptoms are different in each person.

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Do you have questions for me?

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You need anything?

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Just feels like…

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It feels relieving, in a way.

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I can't imagine.

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Today, I officially received

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my diagnosis
of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1.

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"Requires support."

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Pack a bag.

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Pack a bag?

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-Yeah.
-To go where?

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-For the journey.
-Oh.

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I forget you don't like analogies.

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That one went over my head.

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Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I…

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I've felt like I don't trust my mind
or my headspace in this weird way.

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It's like, um…

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I'll read, um… traits

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of a person with autism or ASD Level 1,

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and, you know,
I feel like I'm reading about my life,

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and it feels so clear to me,
and I identify so deeply.

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And then the next moment I'll feel like
I'm making it all up, or it's not real,

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or like I'm looking
for a, you know, quick fix or something.

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It's this weird head game
I've been playing with myself.

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But today I formally
received, um, diagnosis.

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So… I kinda can, like, take a breath

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and know, um… know myself.

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I don't feel like I've ever really…

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had the possibility
or the opportunity to do that.

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So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it…

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feels promising.

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And I'm feeling grateful

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that I've had the opportunity
to go through this process.

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So why are you afraid?

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Participating in a documentary
is my worst nightmare,

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having to communicate with someone

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on, like, such a deep level, and…

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I trust Alex, but… I don't like
to do things that I don't know how to do.

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But you know the answer

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because all the things that you can do now
you once didn't know how to do.

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So what made you somehow…
overcome those moments?

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I'm like,
"I don't know where I am." What's up?

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-Good to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

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-This is Ian.
-Hey, Ian. I'm Alex.

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Well, I believe
this is the right thing to do.

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So I'll just do it.

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This is James.

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-Wow, look at that.
-Wow. He's giving it.

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-He's serving it.
-He's serving it up.

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And then the legend herself.

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-That picture…
-That's my first recital.

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-With the hand…
-I know.

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-Do you mind if I mic you?
-Sure.

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Part of what is stressful to me is that
I don't know how a documentary is made

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or how, like, you work, and…

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-You're also filming me.
-I've been filming.

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I'm just trying to capture stuff
of just her kind of existing in space.

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And it's been awesome.

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It's weird because
every person I, like, encounter now

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doesn't know this.

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So-- And then also to be
thinking about filming all--

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Like, everything is just crazy.

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Everything is…

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Every day is like
a day I haven't experienced yet.

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You're gonna freak.

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Wow, look at that.

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I have this courage

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to do things in the name of dance

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that, like, I would not be able to do
as just Jenn.

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-Like what we're doing right now.
-Same.

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And like a lot of things in my life

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because at, like,
the seed of every interaction

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or every opportunity or every job is,

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"No, I don't wanna do that."

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Like, it feels instantaneously
a level of anxiety.

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But I just do it anyways.

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I'm exactly the same way.

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-Um, this project, I think, is different.
-Okay.

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I'm honestly
not really sure what it is yet.

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Basically, my whole career revolves around
what performance gives to the audience.

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But I've always wanted to explore

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what performance actually gives back
to the artists themselves.

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Totally.

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And that led me
to movement-based psychotherapy,

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which is just a very fancy way of saying

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"communication through dance
when words fail."

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-Totally.
-This is something I struggle with.

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-You were the first person I thought of.
-Of course.

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I realize it's been six years,
but I reached out to you

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because I've been following your career
since we did that music video together.

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I think it's fate
that after all this time,

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I texted you on the same day
you got your diagnosis.

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I still can't get over it.
It's so bizarre.

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I got home the night before
from a trip to LA.

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We have her session next morning.
Boom, in comes the email.

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-Yeah.
-And then her session is just wild.

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What was the draw
to go into performing arts and to dance?

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My answer before was that…

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I was just guided into it

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and fell in love with it.

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And… it feels like it's my purpose

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and what I'm supposed to do
with this life.

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And it's my talent.

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And it's the way
that I connect with people.

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And it's the way that I can help people.

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But I just always had
this feeling that I was guided

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or being, like, guided through this life,

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which… I still do in a way,

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but… I think I just really--

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I just became obsessed with dance,
possibly just because I'm autistic.

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And, like, it was…

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It was helpful for me

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in ways that I… am just now understanding.

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Okay, let's see where this goes.

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Maybe we ease into it,
and I just shadow you.

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-Okay. Okay.
-And we see if anything comes from it.

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Okay. Then, let's begin.

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One, two, three, four, five, six…

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And one, two. Ha, ha.

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Yes, Barry! Ha, ha.

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Ha, ha. Hey! Hup!

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Five, six…

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Hey! Yes!

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Yes, go wide…

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All that space in your quadrant.

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Yes. Yes.

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Eyes here. Let me see you.

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In the beginning, it was just dance.

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But it's been years…

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Opening, it's flowering.

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…since it stopped being
that therapy for me.

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At some point,

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dance started taking more from me
than it was giving me.

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Yes!

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As a human, when I'm watching you dance,

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if I can't find your eyes,

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I literally can't connect with you.

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I found a way to make a living
doing the thing I love,

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but it's been a long time

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since I've been able to find
the joy in moving.

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But I'm still having this career
that's happening simultaneously,

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but I'm not really finding
the joy in it for myself.

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But I'm still showing up for my students.

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Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys.

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It's hard for me to find environments
where I truly do love dancing now.

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I can see how you have lost some of that.

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I'm really blessed that I can
make a living doing the thing that I love,

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but it's also kind of a curse,

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because you can lose the joy
in the thing that you love.

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We come down hard. All right?

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We come down hard,
because that's how we're trained

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and that's what we really want to do.

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Yes, I'm disciplined,

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but I love seeing effort in dance.

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I don't like it to look too easy
or too perfect or too polished.

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I like seeing that, especially in women.

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I wanna see the power
behind what you're doing, and the effort.

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But it's hard.

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This place has been iconic to me.

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I grew up in Idaho
in the middle of nowhere,

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and I used to, like, see Steps
in dance magazines, and I would--

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Like, this studio. This studio.

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And I just wanted--
Like, I wanted to be here so bad.

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And the fact that I'm here with you

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and so many familiar faces
that I've known for years and years,

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I feel so grateful.

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-You guys are--
-We love you!

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Five, six, seven, eight…

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Symptoms must be present
in the early developmental period,

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but may not become fully manifest

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until social demands
exceed limited capacities,

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or may be masked
by learned strategies in later life.

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How do I know

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When it's overload?

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Jennifer!

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-Hi!
-Say hi!

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-Okay, go!
-Hi!

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Just look.

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-Yeah, come on.
-Hi!

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This is the way
I was my face early in the morning…

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What in the world is wrong with you?

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Saying hello
from my favorite place on planet Earth.

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My happy place.

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I love it here.

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It's like… one o'clock,
on a Tuesday, in the afternoon.

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And this is my second bath today.

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Just one of those days.

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What do you feel?

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What do you feel?

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What do you feel?

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Stimming is anything
that you do with your body

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to be able to get yourself
to a regulated place.

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What do you feel?

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Anything that is bringing about
regulation for that person

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is really a stimulatory kind of behavior.

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Nice toes.

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When you were younger,

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I think that you were self-stimming
when you were twirling.

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And your parents called it dancing.

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Huh?

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Finish dancing your dance.

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One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

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Five, six, seven, eight.

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One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

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Could you move your hips any faster?

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Ha!

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-There you go.
-Nice.

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Drop.

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Now other side.

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Beautiful.

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Step! Step, step, five!
Step, five! Kick, kick, five!

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One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

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Okay? You wanna try it with music?

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One, two.

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One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

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One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

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Hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input

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or unusual interests in sensory aspects
of the environment.

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Apparent indifference
to pain or temperature.

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Adverse response
to specific sounds or textures.

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Excessive smelling or touching of objects.

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Visual fascination
with lights or movement.

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Feel good?

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-Yeah.
-What feels good about dragging it?

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Just like… my human instinct
just wants to do this.

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The vibration in my hand and the sound.

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I feel bound.

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There's so many manifestations
of social challenges.

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There's so many manifestations
of sensory issues.

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Happy birthday, dear Jennifer

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Is it too bright?

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The visuals, sound, texture…

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-Sorry. Wipe it on your pants.
-Uh-uh!

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-Oh, Jennifer, stop it.
-Yuck!

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-Yucky!
-Just go back to the car.

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It's a lot to process.

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-You doing all right, Jenn?
-It's too much.

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I literally, like, shut down.
I feel crazy.

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That's why you should
let me continue to shop--

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No, but I wanted to try to have fun
and pick out stuff together.

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It was like lightning in my eyes.
Like, it was like flashes.

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This, like, bright light.

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Literally, it felt like
my brain was breaking.

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Like, permanently.

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It's very overwhelming.

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I think that your sensory system right now
has been on overload for so long.

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It's important
for you to come up with ways to cope.

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Sorry that it hurts…

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But that's not always healthy for you.

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It's what you need in that moment

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to be able to soothe
and to deal and to process.

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-What?
-Having really heavy beer cravings.

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It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking
when I was fuckin' 13.

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Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks.

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I understand.

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So much

21:42.843 --> 21:44.011
Pour me one too, babe.

21:44.594 --> 21:48.098
When things are too heightened
or things are not patterning out

21:48.181 --> 21:50.517
the way that makes sense
for someone like you,

21:50.600 --> 21:53.186
the world is gonna be challenging
and hard to be in.

21:58.358 --> 22:03.071
As an adult,
you basically just stop stimming…

22:03.155 --> 22:04.448
Get it out, buddy.

22:05.157 --> 22:08.243
Burn it out. It's okay.
Let it hit you where it needs to hit you.

22:08.327 --> 22:11.413
Because it makes
other people feel uncomfortable.

22:11.496 --> 22:13.832
Or you feel judged.

22:13.915 --> 22:16.835
And that's why having
the ability to regulate,

22:16.918 --> 22:22.341
to refuel, and to be able to balance
in a very healthy way is very important.

22:22.424 --> 22:24.760
I disguised my stimming as dancing.

22:25.761 --> 22:28.930
My hands

22:29.014 --> 22:33.268
My hands…

22:34.770 --> 22:36.438
Find the balance, find the middle,

22:36.521 --> 22:38.231
find where you need to be.

22:38.315 --> 22:43.111
Or also just to cocoon
and just be in a space that felt safe.

22:43.987 --> 22:46.073
Yeah, I did that a lot when I was younger.

22:46.156 --> 22:49.117
Like, make little nooks for myself.

22:49.201 --> 22:52.287
And that can be a place
where you find a lot of solace

22:52.370 --> 22:53.789
and a lot of comfort.

22:54.289 --> 22:56.958
Being out in nature is very soothing,

22:57.042 --> 23:01.254
so you would wanna go into those spaces
for long periods of time and just be.

23:06.051 --> 23:07.552
-Ready?
-Yep!

23:07.636 --> 23:08.678
Whoo!

23:08.762 --> 23:10.555
So pretty. What do you think?

23:10.639 --> 23:11.598
I love it.

23:11.681 --> 23:12.682
I love it too.

23:13.391 --> 23:15.394
-I love you.
-I love you, buddy.

23:34.871 --> 23:36.790
Tune out the whole world.

23:48.343 --> 23:52.055
-Is that the arm or the hip? What is that?
-It's all fucked, doesn't matter.

23:52.139 --> 23:54.057
Was it a sports-related injury you had?

23:54.141 --> 23:55.517
Yeah. I'm a dancer.

23:55.600 --> 23:57.811
-Dr. Borowski will be in in a few.
-Okay.

23:58.478 --> 24:00.897
These are too small for me.

24:00.981 --> 24:03.984
-Too small. I need bigger ones.
-Let me see your butt.

24:04.067 --> 24:05.861
-Turn around.
-No.

24:06.361 --> 24:08.155
Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy.

24:08.238 --> 24:09.072
No, thank you.

24:10.991 --> 24:13.243
-Is she broken?
-Is my career over?

24:14.995 --> 24:17.164
Pull this knee towards my hand.

24:17.247 --> 24:18.331
That's… Whoa!

24:18.415 --> 24:19.749
Yeah.

24:19.833 --> 24:23.295
-Okay, so…
-Anything lifting my leg is bad.

24:23.378 --> 24:24.212
Okay.

24:24.296 --> 24:26.673
I was able to dance through it.
Everything was fine.

24:26.756 --> 24:29.342
-As she always does, though.
-Right. Of course.

24:29.426 --> 24:32.971
At this point in my life,
all you're doing is dancing through pain.

24:33.054 --> 24:34.848
You've got a couple things going on.

24:34.931 --> 24:38.727
So your hip flexor
does certainly seem to be all fired up.

24:38.810 --> 24:41.771
What I would say is that,
actually, let's get the MRI now.

24:41.855 --> 24:45.734
I wanna do it to make sure
we're not dealing with a stress reaction.

24:46.902 --> 24:49.654
If this becomes a situation,
she has Martha Graham coming up.

24:49.738 --> 24:53.074
On top of everything I'm doing,
I have nationals coming up.

24:53.158 --> 24:58.079
-Let's do physical therapy…
-Classes have 250 to 400 people…

25:01.124 --> 25:03.126
It's gonna be a lot.

25:09.132 --> 25:11.259
Insistence on sameness.

25:12.844 --> 25:15.555
Inflexible adherence to routines.

25:16.723 --> 25:20.018
Or ritualized patterns
or verbal/nonverbal behavior.

25:20.101 --> 25:27.108
Take me home

25:29.402 --> 25:30.529
What you thinking?

25:30.612 --> 25:32.948
I'm thinking this is not interesting.

25:33.031 --> 25:34.241
What are you filming?

25:37.911 --> 25:39.496
I think it's interesting.

25:39.996 --> 25:40.997
Pack.

25:41.873 --> 25:44.251
I'm not fun to watch, you know.

25:44.751 --> 25:45.961
Wanna bring James?

25:46.044 --> 25:46.962
I wish.

25:47.796 --> 25:49.881
Jenn's packing, and she's not happy.

25:51.466 --> 25:52.968
What are you thinking?

26:01.226 --> 26:03.270
She's not winning at this moment.

26:08.191 --> 26:11.736
For you,
it's very hard to know what to do,

26:11.820 --> 26:15.699
where to begin, how to interact,
how to have a conversation,

26:15.782 --> 26:19.536
how to understand
someone else's perspective, emotionally.

26:19.619 --> 26:23.290
You are having to process
each and every person,

26:23.373 --> 26:25.417
each and every person's emotions,

26:25.500 --> 26:27.294
each and every person's backstory,

26:27.377 --> 26:29.796
reading the room
and reading what's happening.

26:29.879 --> 26:32.591
And it is very challenging
when you think about

26:32.674 --> 26:36.094
how much someone
has to cognitively unpackage something.

26:36.177 --> 26:41.474
And for you, the pressures
are quite a few in social situations.

26:41.558 --> 26:42.601
They're many.

26:54.738 --> 26:56.531
Your call has been forwarded

26:56.615 --> 26:58.158
to an automatic voice message system.

26:58.241 --> 27:00.327
You've reached Alex. Leave a message.

27:05.457 --> 27:07.000
Yeah, Alex…

27:07.500 --> 27:09.836
I'm here, teaching classes,

27:11.254 --> 27:15.342
but I don't know
what the disconnect with my body is.

27:16.926 --> 27:20.889
One of the reasons I love movement so much
is because it's fleeting.

27:20.972 --> 27:22.766
Once it comes out, it's done.

27:24.434 --> 27:27.896
I'm happier when I'm moving more.

27:28.396 --> 27:31.775
But literally,
the last thing I wanna do is move.

27:32.776 --> 27:35.904
So, yeah, I don't--
I don't know what's happening.

27:36.738 --> 27:40.283
All right, dancers, come out
onto the floor if you're taking class.

27:41.951 --> 27:46.247
How am I supposed to motivate these kids
if I can't even motivate myself?

27:47.499 --> 27:48.875
What time are you getting here?

27:57.300 --> 27:59.511
Told you you're not allowed
to film me while I'm sleeping.

27:59.594 --> 28:03.515
Well, you're awake.

28:04.140 --> 28:05.600
Good night.

28:05.684 --> 28:06.685
Bye.

28:06.768 --> 28:09.896
You have to do a dance in front
of the window 'cause the shot's good.

28:09.979 --> 28:10.855
Like…

28:10.939 --> 28:13.733
I can see your silhouette like Beyoncé.

28:13.817 --> 28:14.901
If only.

28:15.402 --> 28:17.612
-I always request a bathtub.
-Uh-huh.

28:17.696 --> 28:20.407
That's why I got put
back in this building because I think--

28:20.490 --> 28:23.201
-It's a bathtub building?
-It's a bathtub building.

28:23.284 --> 28:25.870
I was having panic attacks last night.

28:25.954 --> 28:28.748
Which is so dumb
because I'm prepared. Like…

28:28.832 --> 28:31.000
And I've been doing this
for over a decade.

28:31.084 --> 28:33.086
-Yeah.
-But it just never get--

28:33.169 --> 28:35.714
To me, it gets just harder.
It doesn't get easier.

28:35.797 --> 28:37.716
-Really, why?
-Yeah, I don't know.

28:37.799 --> 28:39.050
I guess, like…

28:39.676 --> 28:42.345
I don't know. It just doesn't get easier.
'Cause I feel like--

28:42.846 --> 28:44.389
More is expected from you?

28:44.472 --> 28:46.433
Not expected, but like…

28:48.268 --> 28:51.396
I'm like never getting to a place
where I'm phoning it in.

28:51.479 --> 28:54.149
I'm still trying to do
new things all the time.

28:54.232 --> 28:55.650
-Yeah.
-So…

28:55.734 --> 28:58.403
-But do you want to phone it in?
-No.

28:59.112 --> 29:00.739
Let's just…

29:00.822 --> 29:02.615
Let's take a breath together.

29:04.659 --> 29:07.287
Exhale.

29:07.370 --> 29:12.083
And just take a moment
to remember why you are here.

29:14.669 --> 29:16.880
Are you sober?

29:16.963 --> 29:17.881
Whoa.

29:18.673 --> 29:20.592
-I am actually, yeah.
-Yeah.

29:20.675 --> 29:23.553
-Um, about three years.
-Yeah.

29:24.179 --> 29:25.805
Why did you stop drinking?

29:26.723 --> 29:27.765
I needed to.

29:29.934 --> 29:33.730
I really want to see you
step inside of the movement.

29:33.813 --> 29:37.609
Produce the movement from the inside out,
make it yours from the top.

29:37.692 --> 29:41.112
I want to be sober,
but I'm struggling with it.

29:41.196 --> 29:43.531
I want you to be
generous with your approach

29:43.615 --> 29:45.533
and generous with your spirit.

29:45.617 --> 29:48.286
Don't worry about you right now.
Let's affect the others.

29:48.369 --> 29:49.412
Does that make sense?

29:49.496 --> 29:52.624
And realizing
that I really started drinking in college

29:52.707 --> 29:56.753
when I was forced to, like,
be part of more social community.

29:56.836 --> 29:58.671
Ugh. Exactly.

29:59.255 --> 30:02.467
So I've always really relied on it
to, like, help me.

30:02.550 --> 30:03.384
Me too.

30:04.302 --> 30:05.470
It's far better without,

30:06.429 --> 30:09.140
but it is not easier.

30:10.058 --> 30:12.101
Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too.

30:12.185 --> 30:15.313
And I just feel like I want to be done.

30:15.396 --> 30:16.231
Yeah.

30:16.898 --> 30:17.982
I want to be done.

30:18.733 --> 30:21.694
Five, six, seven. Here we go.

30:21.778 --> 30:24.572
One, two, three, four.

30:24.656 --> 30:25.949
Back,

30:26.032 --> 30:27.450
forward, again.

30:28.785 --> 30:30.036
Three, four.

30:30.119 --> 30:31.162
Back,

30:31.704 --> 30:33.081
forward, again.

30:33.164 --> 30:35.625
It's so much more than just the movement.

30:35.708 --> 30:37.335
I like seeing the fight.

30:37.418 --> 30:38.753
Forward. Again.

30:40.255 --> 30:42.715
Three, four. Back.

30:42.799 --> 30:44.425
Forward, again.

30:45.218 --> 30:47.262
How long have you been working together?

30:47.345 --> 30:49.264
Ten years, 11 years.

30:49.347 --> 30:50.348
Again.

30:50.431 --> 30:52.225
I've known Tay since she was 12.

30:52.308 --> 30:53.935
-And how old are you now?
-24.

30:54.018 --> 30:56.271
I've been making dances on her
since she was 12.

30:56.354 --> 30:57.480
Yeah. Three.

30:57.564 --> 31:01.150
That's it. There's something
about your focus. It's everything here.

31:02.443 --> 31:04.112
Three, four.

31:04.195 --> 31:05.530
Back,

31:05.613 --> 31:06.948
forward, again.

31:07.031 --> 31:09.784
One, two, three, four.

31:09.868 --> 31:10.952
Back,

31:11.035 --> 31:12.579
forward, again.

31:14.080 --> 31:15.415
Three, four.

31:15.498 --> 31:18.209
Back, forward, again.

31:18.293 --> 31:22.088
One, two, three, four. Back…

31:22.171 --> 31:24.674
Symptoms cause
clinically significant impairment

31:24.757 --> 31:26.843
in social, occupational,

31:26.926 --> 31:29.721
or other important areas
of current functioning.

31:29.804 --> 31:32.348
One, two, three, four.

31:32.432 --> 31:35.435
Back, forward, again.

31:36.853 --> 31:40.690
Three, four. Back, forward, again.

31:40.773 --> 31:44.402
One, two, three, four, five…

31:44.485 --> 31:45.820
Jenn, you okay, honey?

31:45.904 --> 31:47.113
…eight…

31:48.156 --> 31:51.159
-Do you not want to go to rehearsal today?
-No, I do. I just…

31:52.035 --> 31:53.870
I feel a little crazy.

31:55.622 --> 31:57.790
What's making you feel crazy, honey?

31:58.458 --> 31:59.792
I'm not sure.

32:04.839 --> 32:07.717
It's okay to just have
a panicky day sometimes.

32:24.359 --> 32:27.403
The panic attacks
seem to be happening a lot more.

32:28.154 --> 32:30.657
And right out the gate
in the beginning of the day,

32:31.449 --> 32:35.244
so we laid on the couch for a few minutes
and tried to get her to breathe.

32:36.079 --> 32:37.580
Drew her a bath.

32:39.082 --> 32:42.043
Danced around
in my underwear a little bit.

32:42.126 --> 32:45.505
Tried to just shock her brain
from that terrible sight.

32:46.047 --> 32:49.175
That got some laughs, but it--
You know, it's not lasting.

32:49.258 --> 32:50.343
What do you feel?

32:50.927 --> 32:52.971
I feel out of control.

32:53.054 --> 32:55.723
My emotions come
so much faster than my words.

32:55.807 --> 32:57.225
-Yes.
-That's what's hard.

32:57.308 --> 32:58.309
Yes.

32:58.393 --> 33:02.480
You're not recognizing
that all of this is going on internally,

33:02.563 --> 33:07.151
and you're pushing yourself
to the extent that then it comes out,

33:07.235 --> 33:08.861
and you're like, "What is all of this?"

33:08.945 --> 33:12.115
But this has always been.
It's just not been talked about.

33:12.198 --> 33:13.282
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

33:13.366 --> 33:15.868
-And I can't tell what the emotion is.
-Yeah.

33:15.952 --> 33:18.746
It's just, like… large.

33:26.713 --> 33:28.297
I think it's just too much.

33:28.381 --> 33:29.757
I don't know how she does it.

33:49.152 --> 33:50.570
It hurts.

34:11.257 --> 34:12.759
It hurts to breathe.

34:19.474 --> 34:21.392
Little bit of a pinch, okay?

34:24.812 --> 34:26.439
Good job, babe. Good job.

34:26.522 --> 34:28.649
So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up,

34:28.733 --> 34:31.277
which has revealed
that she has gallstones.

34:31.360 --> 34:33.988
Now we have to have emergency surgery
to have them removed.

34:34.072 --> 34:35.948
So, she's pretty, uh…

34:36.032 --> 34:37.867
She's hit pretty hard right now.

34:43.748 --> 34:44.665
We'll come down.

34:53.299 --> 34:56.511
This one is not under your control.

34:57.094 --> 35:00.181
So I'm headed up to White Plains for Alex

35:00.264 --> 35:03.017
because he is in the ER
right now up at White Plains,

35:03.101 --> 35:06.729
and Miguel, his husband,
is out of town for work.

35:07.313 --> 35:10.983
And so… I'm gonna go up,
make sure he's okay.

35:12.443 --> 35:13.277
Hi.

35:13.903 --> 35:15.113
What a pair.

35:16.656 --> 35:18.366
-Hey.
-Yeah.

35:19.200 --> 35:21.410
-Hey.
-What's going on?

35:21.994 --> 35:24.664
I am in the hospital too.

35:24.747 --> 35:26.666
Whoo!

35:26.749 --> 35:29.001
I would've been there,
had I not been sliced open.

35:29.085 --> 35:30.294
That is absolutely true.

35:31.504 --> 35:33.422
I just got to Alex's house.

35:35.258 --> 35:37.176
Um, got him situated.

35:37.260 --> 35:39.262
He's being admitted to the hospital.

35:39.345 --> 35:42.181
Well, he is admitted to the hospital.

35:42.682 --> 35:43.558
Um…

35:44.267 --> 35:45.601
Running some brain MRIs.

35:45.685 --> 35:48.604
He's definitely not himself right now.

35:49.480 --> 35:51.983
Uh, I definitely think
it's more than, uh, burnout.

35:53.734 --> 35:55.486
I'm pretty sure he's afraid.

35:55.570 --> 35:58.823
And I know Miguel is rushing
to get back here tomorrow.

36:01.409 --> 36:03.244
And on the heels of Jenn,

36:03.786 --> 36:07.623
and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure
that just had to happen,

36:08.708 --> 36:11.002
it's like all the people in my life
that mean the most to me

36:11.085 --> 36:12.837
are really going through it.

36:14.255 --> 36:16.507
-Do you want to see my cuts?
-Of course I do.

36:16.591 --> 36:19.802
They pulled it,
the gallbladder, out of this.

36:19.886 --> 36:22.138
-Oh, interesting.
-You look gorgeous.

36:24.473 --> 36:25.308
No.

36:25.391 --> 36:27.977
Not us both in the hospital
in the same week.

36:28.060 --> 36:30.396
I just wanted to see your guys' faces,
'cause it--

36:30.479 --> 36:35.651
We've all had some really tough weeks,
and Ian is, you know, mama bear.

36:37.361 --> 36:39.030
How are you doing? How you feeling?

36:39.113 --> 36:40.907
Went to reload yesterday and today.

36:40.990 --> 36:47.205
I'm just doing some really light movement,
but I'm just walking, basically.

36:47.288 --> 36:49.999
That's funny,
we were literally in the same position,

36:50.082 --> 36:53.753
because I'm just trying
to walk in straight lines.

36:53.836 --> 36:55.212
-Buddy.
-I'll go over…

36:55.296 --> 36:56.464
What's going on?

36:56.547 --> 37:00.843
Well, I have, um, this thing called--
Do-- What was it called, Ian?

37:00.927 --> 37:02.178
Guillain-Barré.

37:02.261 --> 37:04.513
Guillain-Barré, sounds beautiful.

37:04.597 --> 37:08.851
So it's like your autoimmune response
goes into overdrive

37:08.935 --> 37:13.064
and attacks your nerve cells
that talk to your muscles to move.

37:13.147 --> 37:15.274
It's like your proprioception is off.

37:15.358 --> 37:19.570
Yeah, I have no idea
what that word means, but yes.

37:19.654 --> 37:22.865
Your body's going like, "Fuck this,
we're going to attack everything."

37:22.949 --> 37:23.950
Overreacting.

37:24.033 --> 37:26.369
It can really be paralytic.

37:27.245 --> 37:30.581
And as you know, we're always talking
about mind-body connection.

37:30.665 --> 37:33.250
It kind of puts
all that kind of stuff in perspective,

37:33.334 --> 37:37.088
because you really got to figure out
what's important to you

37:37.171 --> 37:38.089
and make it happen.

37:38.172 --> 37:40.258
-Yeah.
-While you still can.

37:40.341 --> 37:41.592
Absolutely.

37:47.139 --> 37:49.308
Yeah, keep going.

37:50.768 --> 37:51.769
Love that.

37:54.063 --> 37:58.484
Growing up, I always felt
a little on the outside of my own family

37:58.567 --> 38:00.695
or a little misunderstood.

38:02.279 --> 38:06.409
That's why my chosen family
now means so much to me.

38:06.492 --> 38:08.411
We've just known each other for so long.

38:09.161 --> 38:10.454
-Where are you going?
-Up.

38:10.538 --> 38:12.248
-How high?
-Real high.

38:13.791 --> 38:16.294
Six, seven, and an eight, we go.

38:17.086 --> 38:20.423
That joy, I think that
the more that you allow yourself

38:20.506 --> 38:24.468
to kind of get back into
what brings you pleasure in your field,

38:24.552 --> 38:26.595
and you'll find that joy again.

38:30.057 --> 38:31.976
Find the things that you love about it,

38:32.059 --> 38:33.978
talk to the people that fill you up,

38:34.061 --> 38:36.230
and surround yourself with those people

38:36.314 --> 38:40.151
and try to have fun
and find the fun in what you do again.

38:47.992 --> 38:48.951
Wow.

38:50.077 --> 38:54.665
Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in.

38:55.791 --> 38:57.626
Are you gonna be okay?

38:57.710 --> 38:58.711
Always.

38:59.670 --> 39:01.839
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

39:01.922 --> 39:03.716
-It's how it goes.
-Yeah.

39:04.508 --> 39:07.178
Can't feel the ups
if you don't feel the downs.

39:09.472 --> 39:12.475
Do you feel the need
to give inspirational quotes right now?

39:12.558 --> 39:13.559
Yeah.

39:13.642 --> 39:15.978
What other quotes
do you think people should know?

39:16.062 --> 39:19.106
You know…

39:19.190 --> 39:21.692
I've always thought,
and this is an original idea…

39:24.987 --> 39:28.491
Be the change
that you wish to see in the world.

39:30.368 --> 39:31.911
-Wow. That's deep.
-Yeah.

39:33.079 --> 39:37.249
Be the change
you wish to see in the world.

39:42.922 --> 39:47.426
If movement is what tells
your stories and tells your emotions,

39:47.510 --> 39:50.054
I think that's where
you need to be right now.

39:50.930 --> 39:53.891
I know… what to do.

39:55.643 --> 39:59.397
It feels like I have a message to share,

39:59.480 --> 40:01.857
which is why I know
that my dancing is still there.

40:02.608 --> 40:04.485
Your dance is absolutely with you.

40:06.153 --> 40:09.824
So that tells you a lot
about what you need to do for yourself.

40:18.749 --> 40:20.918
I've always understood the world around me

40:21.001 --> 40:23.963
and my place in it by making dance.

40:24.755 --> 40:26.841
I've learned so much.

40:29.552 --> 40:31.679
I wanna share it with the world.

40:33.055 --> 40:34.890
It's time to make something.

40:35.850 --> 40:37.768
You'll find that joy again.

40:39.854 --> 40:40.771
Let's begin.

40:41.355 --> 40:46.902
You got this in the bag
Literally in the bag, you're loving it

40:46.986 --> 40:51.365
All the possibilities are endless

40:51.449 --> 40:52.366
What are they?

40:52.450 --> 40:53.409
Endless!

40:53.492 --> 40:55.327
-Who are we? Perfect.
-Perfect

40:55.411 --> 40:58.539
We are perfect people
In a perfect space

40:58.622 --> 41:02.626
And we honor it
With such grace and grace

41:02.710 --> 41:07.590
And we boop, boop, boop, boo!

41:07.715 --> 41:09.133
All right!

41:10.134 --> 41:14.180
Everything that you bring
is magic and beautiful and meant to be.

41:14.263 --> 41:16.223
Thank you for all saying yes.

41:16.891 --> 41:18.684
Let's make a show.

41:18.767 --> 41:20.686
Yeah.

41:20.769 --> 41:26.984
Do you have any interest
in telling this group how you realized?

41:27.067 --> 41:30.196
When I realized that this is me,

41:30.279 --> 41:34.575
I was completely uneducated… about autism,

41:35.075 --> 41:36.702
a hundred percent uneducated.

41:36.785 --> 41:38.871
I think most of you know the story,

41:38.954 --> 41:41.832
but I realized I might be autistic

41:41.916 --> 41:45.377
while watching Alex's docu-series
about Amy Schumer.

41:46.795 --> 41:50.341
Uh, following Amy's pregnancy,
creation of a comedy special,

41:50.424 --> 41:54.386
but there was a sidebar in the film
about Amy's husband, Chris.

41:54.470 --> 42:00.434
And in the film, he ends up receiving
a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.

42:01.644 --> 42:05.856
The way it was shown in the documentary
was so-- Just suddenly.

42:05.940 --> 42:07.441
She loved this amazing guy.

42:07.525 --> 42:09.652
There was a disconnect
in the way they communicated.

42:09.735 --> 42:11.070
So they went to a doctor.

42:11.153 --> 42:14.323
And it was
when I was watching this episode

42:14.406 --> 42:17.743
that I had the epiphany
that I too was autistic.

42:17.826 --> 42:21.080
I had never thought this
about myself before.

42:21.163 --> 42:25.334
It was when I was watching… you speak

42:25.417 --> 42:29.129
and then, like, the way that your family
was speaking about you.

42:29.213 --> 42:31.423
I still-- I don't know what it was.

42:31.507 --> 42:36.637
And I was like, "I really relate
to whatever is happening."

42:36.720 --> 42:41.308
They identify that you're different,
but then they don't ever tell you that.

42:41.392 --> 42:47.606
If you're with someone on the spectrum,
you have to… love that about them.

42:47.690 --> 42:49.567
The way that I found out about myself

42:49.650 --> 42:52.444
was because someone else
had the courage to share their story.

42:52.528 --> 42:54.280
That's why I want to make this show.

42:54.363 --> 42:55.906
I remember the moment I realized,

42:55.990 --> 42:59.410
and it literally felt like
the world just cracked open.

42:59.493 --> 43:02.288
I think in most realizations you feel--

43:02.371 --> 43:03.831
In something that huge,

43:03.914 --> 43:08.210
is that you feel
the world coming down on you,

43:08.294 --> 43:10.921
but you felt the world cracking open.

43:11.005 --> 43:13.048
And I think
there's something really beautiful

43:13.132 --> 43:19.263
about needing to feel like
what you feel and the way you see is real,

43:19.930 --> 43:21.724
and that "It is my brain."

43:22.224 --> 43:27.313
An actual trait of autism,
especially Level 1, is masking.

43:27.396 --> 43:29.732
It just goes hand in hand. Um…

43:29.815 --> 43:34.737
This idea that, like, you're not "allowed"
to exist as your real self.

43:34.820 --> 43:39.616
So you make a habit of, like, starting
to mask different aspects of yourself.

43:39.700 --> 43:43.287
And over time it builds and builds
and builds to a point where, like,

43:43.370 --> 43:46.874
you don't even consciously realize
that you're doing it.

43:47.374 --> 43:50.336
Once you realize you're doing it
and you have the desire to stop,

43:50.419 --> 43:52.004
it's nearly impossible.

43:52.087 --> 43:55.424
And also like this idea
of knowing who you are

43:55.507 --> 43:59.636
underneath all of that
also feels impossible.

44:01.305 --> 44:04.600
We have footage going all the way back
to Jenn's ultrasound.

44:04.683 --> 44:06.602
Her father filmed everything.

44:06.685 --> 44:09.021
Can you tell me
about what you're putting together?

44:10.189 --> 44:12.066
It's hard to explain.

44:12.566 --> 44:16.695
Trying to build this analysis environment
of Jenn's diagnosis,

44:16.779 --> 44:21.200
an expression
of how she survived through movement

44:21.283 --> 44:24.953
and how she created
a lot of her vocabulary

44:25.037 --> 44:29.416
through her stimming,
her tics, her anxieties.

44:29.500 --> 44:33.003
When I was little,
I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy.

44:33.087 --> 44:35.673
It made everything disappear, literally.

44:36.298 --> 44:38.133
So it's an analysis of an evolution

44:38.217 --> 44:41.845
of a movement vocabulary
she didn't realize she was making.

44:43.180 --> 44:47.726
It's almost like I make the movement
from an instinctual place,

44:47.810 --> 44:50.062
and then I'm able to look back on it

44:50.145 --> 44:52.564
and understand
what I was feeling at the time.

44:55.442 --> 44:59.405
What you did is took dance
and made that your way of regulating

44:59.488 --> 45:02.783
from when you were little
and you flapped your hands and you'd spin.

45:02.866 --> 45:05.160
-Twirl!
-They became very positive.

45:05.244 --> 45:07.871
So I think dance connected you
in so many ways

45:07.955 --> 45:12.668
to people in the dance world that said,
"Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend,"

45:12.751 --> 45:15.504
because you were so into
what they were into.

45:15.587 --> 45:18.006
Spin me!

45:18.090 --> 45:21.135
That's what's been
so powerful for me to think about.

45:21.218 --> 45:23.011
When I was doing those things,

45:23.095 --> 45:25.264
people said that I was dancing.

45:25.347 --> 45:27.474
That repetition of movement
really connected you.

45:27.558 --> 45:30.686
And I think in your dance,
that's communication,

45:30.769 --> 45:34.815
and it's connected you with so many people
'cause you don't have to use your words.

45:34.898 --> 45:36.984
You can use your body to say something.

45:37.568 --> 45:40.779
You're an individual person
looking at other individuals

45:40.863 --> 45:43.907
that have an easier time
at socially relating,

45:43.991 --> 45:46.952
but they don't see the world
in the beautiful way you do.

45:47.035 --> 45:49.913
There's something to celebrate
but not see in a negative light,

45:49.997 --> 45:51.290
because they're really beautiful.

45:51.373 --> 45:52.791
Dr. Kim…

45:52.875 --> 45:55.794
-I know. She…
-Can we just talk about Dr. Kim?

45:55.878 --> 45:58.255
That is beautifully said to reassure

45:58.338 --> 46:01.341
someone who has new information

46:01.425 --> 46:04.511
that may literally shift
the trajectory of her life.

46:07.681 --> 46:10.517
Oh!

46:10.601 --> 46:12.603
-There we go.
-Perfection.

46:14.605 --> 46:20.194
Sonya, she's been a constant
in my career and my life.

46:20.944 --> 46:25.824
There's no part of this piece that exists
without the two of us coming together.

46:28.619 --> 46:30.621
She told me on my roof,

46:30.704 --> 46:33.415
I thought she was--

46:35.459 --> 46:38.337
She said, "I have something to tell you."
I was like, "Oh fuck."

46:41.507 --> 46:43.258
Got very serious.

46:43.342 --> 46:45.719
And then what did I ask you?
"Are you pregnant?"

46:45.803 --> 46:47.137
-"Are you quitting?"
-Yeah.

46:47.221 --> 46:48.096
What did I do?

46:48.180 --> 46:50.474
-It was all these questions.
-Yeah.

46:50.557 --> 46:53.644
-I was like, "I'm autistic."
-And then I was like, "Oh!"

46:53.727 --> 46:54.978
-Yeah, "Oh!"
-"Oh!"

46:56.688 --> 46:59.900
"Fuck yes. Okay. Like, now what?"

47:01.485 --> 47:03.070
That's what makes it crazy.

47:03.153 --> 47:07.032
It's not the actual diagnosis itself
and the experience of being autistic.

47:07.115 --> 47:11.370
It's going through almost 34 years
of your life not knowing it.

47:11.870 --> 47:13.580
We've had many experiences together,

47:13.664 --> 47:16.208
and those experiences
are part of this too.

47:18.585 --> 47:21.964
Like, the struggles she's had
in our friendship and our workplace.

47:22.047 --> 47:24.800
I just wish I knew

47:26.009 --> 47:29.721
because to be able to have an awareness

47:29.805 --> 47:36.395
of how to have her live life
but also live a life she sees as lighter…

47:39.106 --> 47:40.816
Like, a little lighter.

47:42.693 --> 47:43.861
I didn't know.

47:44.736 --> 47:46.238
That's the point.

47:46.321 --> 47:50.409
If you don't know,
you don't even have a starting point.

47:50.492 --> 47:52.744
-You don't even have a chance.
-Yeah.

47:52.828 --> 47:55.163
What's crazy
is that you feel sad or bad about it,

47:55.247 --> 47:58.125
but I felt the most seen by you.

47:59.710 --> 48:01.086
That's ironic.

48:02.087 --> 48:04.047
Let's make this show together.

48:05.549 --> 48:06.800
Together.

48:08.176 --> 48:10.262
Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry.

48:10.345 --> 48:12.681
Love you
But you're gonna lose your mind

48:12.764 --> 48:17.060
I'm gonna do it
In the musical theater fashion

48:17.144 --> 48:20.147
Maybe you won't cry

48:23.066 --> 48:26.528
Are these still my hands?

48:26.612 --> 48:28.947
I can't feel them

48:29.906 --> 48:33.452
Don't recognize them anymore…

48:34.536 --> 48:37.748
I'm experiencing some serious burnout

48:37.831 --> 48:40.584
at a level that, like,
I've ever experienced before.

48:40.667 --> 48:43.003
Literally not even being able to move.

48:43.086 --> 48:46.965
So that's why, like, this process
and to make this piece,

48:47.049 --> 48:50.010
doing this now is serendipitous in a way

48:50.093 --> 48:54.473
because… I feel so far away
from, like, what I knew before

48:54.556 --> 48:58.602
that, like, if I don't step
into something like this now,

48:58.685 --> 49:00.896
I feel like I might lose it.

49:00.979 --> 49:01.980
-Yeah.
-You know?

49:04.024 --> 49:09.029
Like, I need to know myself
back in this place that feels like home.

49:09.112 --> 49:10.572
Like it used to.

49:12.115 --> 49:16.244
Or else I don't know
if I will step back into it.

49:17.955 --> 49:20.832
I love these people.

49:20.916 --> 49:21.875
They're family to me.

49:21.959 --> 49:26.004
So there's something
about the combination of hearing Kim

49:26.088 --> 49:28.632
and then seeing them in the space.

49:28.715 --> 49:33.595
Thank you so much
to every single person in this room.

49:33.679 --> 49:37.849
I don't know. It's like life and art meet

49:38.350 --> 49:42.312
in this, like, really cool way that
I've never experienced before for myself.

49:42.396 --> 49:46.316
I've witnessed that happening
for other people, but not for me.

49:46.400 --> 49:47.859
So, it's really cool.

49:48.652 --> 49:51.822
Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us
since you put it…

49:51.905 --> 49:55.075
So that's kind of
everything in a nutshell.

49:55.158 --> 49:57.411
Do you have questions for me?

49:58.161 --> 50:00.330
Oh!

50:00.414 --> 50:04.960
-Yeah.
-Okay!

50:05.043 --> 50:07.129
-That's exciting. Hit it again.
-Yeah.

50:08.630 --> 50:12.092
Um, So that's kind of everything
in a nutshell.

50:12.175 --> 50:13.760
Do you have questions for me?

50:13.844 --> 50:18.223
That might be
the fucking… thing that unlocks it.

50:18.306 --> 50:19.933
-Yep.
-"Yes, I do."

50:20.017 --> 50:23.562
"And it's right--
And here are my questions." Literally.

50:24.354 --> 50:27.274
That's great.
Hit it again. Good job, Jenn.

50:27.357 --> 50:29.276
Do you have questions for me?

50:29.359 --> 50:31.528
Love it. Let's keep going.

50:38.368 --> 50:45.375
I'm more than what you see

50:48.420 --> 50:49.629
Look at this.

50:49.713 --> 50:52.007
All my hair is breaking.

50:54.217 --> 50:56.303
I'm literally losing, like,

50:57.262 --> 50:58.555
tons of hair.

50:59.598 --> 51:01.224
Look at this.

51:01.308 --> 51:02.601
All broken.

51:03.560 --> 51:05.854
And my hair is, like, falling out.

51:06.354 --> 51:08.315
What is happening to me?

51:14.821 --> 51:17.449
How long am I just gonna be like this?

51:28.376 --> 51:30.337
-I don't feel good.
-Hm?

51:30.420 --> 51:31.922
I don't feel good.

51:36.051 --> 51:37.719
Do you want to talk to Alex?

51:38.220 --> 51:40.263
He deals with this stuff a lot too.

51:50.524 --> 51:51.858
Alex.

51:51.942 --> 51:52.859
What?

51:53.485 --> 51:54.945
I'm gonna call Alex.

52:11.002 --> 52:12.379
Still no?

52:16.967 --> 52:18.677
Waiting for Alex to call me.

52:20.053 --> 52:22.138
Okay.

52:27.185 --> 52:28.520
Hey. It's Alex.

52:28.603 --> 52:29.479
-Hey, guys.
-Hey.

52:29.563 --> 52:31.690
-Where have you been?
-What's going on?

52:31.773 --> 52:32.899
Uh…

52:33.608 --> 52:36.778
Well, I was back in the hospital.

52:37.320 --> 52:38.697
What happened?

52:38.780 --> 52:41.116
It was the same thing
that happened before.

52:41.199 --> 52:42.742
That's awful. Why?

52:43.910 --> 52:50.625
I have a variant of Guillain-Barré
called Miller Fisher syndrome.

52:51.167 --> 52:54.838
And it just keeps coming back
again, again, and again.

52:54.921 --> 52:56.256
How is this happening?

52:56.339 --> 52:58.508
For me specifically,

52:58.592 --> 53:01.386
they don't really know
what has been causing it

53:01.469 --> 53:04.723
other than mental and physical stress.

53:05.473 --> 53:10.020
But this kind of stuff has been happening
since I can remember.

53:10.103 --> 53:11.396
What do you mean?

53:12.105 --> 53:15.150
I really don't understand it. Um…

53:16.359 --> 53:19.154
But it is part
of something bigger, you know?

53:19.237 --> 53:20.530
Do you want to share?

53:23.825 --> 53:25.035
It affects me in a way

53:25.118 --> 53:28.455
where I can't--
physically and mentally can't function.

53:28.538 --> 53:30.999
Can you explain that a little bit more?

53:31.082 --> 53:34.377
Well, I always understood
what depression was

53:34.461 --> 53:36.671
because I was always deep, deep in it.

53:37.631 --> 53:38.757
I didn't realize that.

53:38.840 --> 53:40.634
And I always knew the word "anxiety,"

53:40.717 --> 53:43.428
but for some reason,
I didn't really know what it meant.

53:43.511 --> 53:46.139
Once I really learned what it meant,

53:46.223 --> 53:48.725
I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline."

53:51.937 --> 53:55.357
The reality is
that it's always like that for me.

53:55.440 --> 53:58.401
I've had depression and anxiety, like,

53:58.902 --> 54:04.616
for so long that I didn't even know
that I was suffering

54:04.699 --> 54:07.994
because I thought that
that's just how life was.

54:09.496 --> 54:10.372
Same.

54:11.665 --> 54:15.585
-Yeah, I've been on medication for years.
-Yeah.

54:15.669 --> 54:17.837
It's taking away the edge,

54:17.921 --> 54:20.423
but you still have
these huge bouts of anxiety.

54:20.507 --> 54:22.592
You still have these bouts of depression.

54:23.259 --> 54:25.220
You literally couldn't be healthier.

54:25.303 --> 54:27.514
-Yeah.
-You couldn't exercise more.

54:27.597 --> 54:28.640
You're also sober.

54:28.723 --> 54:32.269
Like, what the fuck else
are you supposed to do better?

54:32.352 --> 54:34.854
-Yeah.
-And then you're still feeling like this.

54:36.481 --> 54:38.274
Well, basically,

54:38.858 --> 54:42.612
I really feel like
I could share this with you guys, uh, now.

54:43.196 --> 54:46.199
We learned a while ago
that I'm actually, um…

54:47.951 --> 54:49.035
bipolar.

54:49.703 --> 54:53.957
And… it, uh, affects me

54:54.040 --> 54:56.835
in more ways than I would like to admit.

54:56.918 --> 55:00.255
-My immune system can go bananas.
-Yeah.

55:00.338 --> 55:04.426
And then my body just… breaks down.

55:04.509 --> 55:05.593
Same.

55:05.677 --> 55:07.012
I'm void.

55:07.762 --> 55:09.014
-Yeah.
-I'm empty.

55:10.015 --> 55:11.975
-There's nothing.
-Yeah.

55:13.310 --> 55:16.646
We're not working
towards eliminating these episodes.

55:16.730 --> 55:17.897
Right.

55:17.981 --> 55:22.360
You're actually working towards
accepting them as part of your life.

55:24.362 --> 55:26.323
Aren't I supposed to be comforting you?

55:26.406 --> 55:27.532
I understand.

55:27.615 --> 55:31.328
But, like, knowing you're not alone,
it's not your fault,

55:31.411 --> 55:36.124
that's enough sometimes
to just get someone, like, moving forward.

55:36.207 --> 55:39.169
Thank you for listening.

55:39.252 --> 55:42.047
Saying it out loud is--
That's the hardest part.

55:42.130 --> 55:44.841
Well, you make it easier.

55:44.924 --> 55:47.969
You and I
still got some shit to figure out.

55:50.138 --> 55:53.224
Do you feel sadness
or do you feel relief right now?

55:54.017 --> 55:56.895
No, I just feel like I'm changing.

56:03.443 --> 56:07.906
I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad…

56:10.241 --> 56:11.326
but good.

56:17.415 --> 56:19.709
What type of changes are you feeling?

56:19.793 --> 56:24.339
No, I think it's just letting go
of, like, the idea of what I--

56:24.422 --> 56:27.467
Like, what I thought, um, I was.

56:29.052 --> 56:31.096
Jennifer is a straight-A student,

56:31.179 --> 56:33.556
who likes school and loves to dance.

56:33.640 --> 56:36.684
When she is older,
Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer.

56:36.768 --> 56:39.896
Jennifer would like to thank her family
for helping her so much with dance.

56:39.979 --> 56:41.940
She loves them very much.

56:44.067 --> 56:46.986
I was obsessed with it.

56:48.029 --> 56:49.781
Always have been, always will be.

56:51.324 --> 56:57.330
I liked that I lost myself
in, like, the hard work and the dancing.

57:01.042 --> 57:04.546
So would you say at those times
you're at peace when you're dancing?

57:04.629 --> 57:06.256
Yeah.

57:06.339 --> 57:09.676
I think nothing else exists,

57:09.759 --> 57:14.973
but I'm also going to a place
of just ignoring my needs completely.

57:18.893 --> 57:20.895
Being in the dance world,

57:20.979 --> 57:27.235
you're constantly surrounded
by people who are not honoring balance.

57:28.027 --> 57:30.989
'Cause it's just a culture of…

57:32.824 --> 57:34.117
pushing.

57:39.664 --> 57:43.960
Your pattern has been
to just push until you fall over.

57:46.588 --> 57:49.799
I actually burned out.

57:59.225 --> 58:00.810
When we talked about burnout,

58:00.894 --> 58:06.274
the lever, the switch for doing
for people with ASD across the board

58:06.357 --> 58:08.776
is that it goes all the way to the end.

58:08.860 --> 58:11.070
And so, you know how to push yourself

58:11.154 --> 58:13.406
to the point
where you're falling onto the floor.

58:17.702 --> 58:24.709
How do I know When I'm finished?

58:26.377 --> 58:30.798
'Cause when I'm finished

58:30.882 --> 58:36.888
There's always more to do
More to do, more to do

58:36.971 --> 58:42.227
More to do, more to, more

58:42.310 --> 58:43.436
More

58:43.520 --> 58:44.896
I feel crazy.

58:47.941 --> 58:50.235
I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know…

58:51.694 --> 58:52.946
anything.

58:56.824 --> 58:58.868
I feel scared,

59:00.161 --> 59:01.454
and…

59:04.457 --> 59:05.959
I didn't know that…

59:08.461 --> 59:10.129
it was gonna be this hard…

59:15.009 --> 59:16.886
learning all of this about myself.

59:16.970 --> 59:23.935
No time to wait

59:24.018 --> 59:25.937
Or think

59:26.813 --> 59:30.817
How do I know how?

59:30.900 --> 59:33.736
There's a change
when you're actually able to acknowledge

59:34.988 --> 59:39.200
and name experiences and feelings
that you've been having forever.

59:39.284 --> 59:42.578
Just makes it… a lot more real.

59:43.538 --> 59:44.998
Go

59:47.417 --> 59:50.086
Go

59:52.255 --> 59:54.424
It's hard because
you are so tired, and that's…

59:54.507 --> 59:56.509
When we talk
about "all or nothing" thinking,

59:56.593 --> 59:58.094
it's "all or nothing" doing.

59:58.177 --> 01:00:00.805
Go, go, go, go

01:00:00.888 --> 01:00:02.890
You also have
a tendency to do the extreme.

01:00:02.974 --> 01:00:06.769
So it's almost like you run yourself
completely into the ground,

01:00:06.853 --> 01:00:10.273
and your body's just like,
"Wait a second, we have to stop."

01:00:12.817 --> 01:00:16.279
Keep going, go, go

01:00:18.573 --> 01:00:20.491
Yeah. How is your hip?

01:00:20.575 --> 01:00:22.243
It's been really bad.

01:00:22.327 --> 01:00:26.623
I've been doing all the things
I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping.

01:00:26.706 --> 01:00:28.666
So it's starting to feel a little scary.

01:00:28.750 --> 01:00:30.251
Go

01:00:33.963 --> 01:00:35.673
Does anything make it feel better?

01:00:35.757 --> 01:00:36.799
If I'm being honest,

01:00:36.883 --> 01:00:39.427
I've had chronic pain
since I was a teenager.

01:00:39.510 --> 01:00:40.970
Shh

01:00:41.054 --> 01:00:42.055
Right there.

01:00:42.138 --> 01:00:45.266
Do more, go

01:00:45.350 --> 01:00:48.269
And have you been to someone
that's looked at all your blood work

01:00:48.353 --> 01:00:51.272
to look to see if there's
anything going on that's autoimmune?

01:00:51.356 --> 01:00:52.940
And I know we talked about this,

01:00:53.024 --> 01:00:57.070
but there's a higher correlation
of autoimmune and ASD.

01:00:57.570 --> 01:00:59.447
Go

01:01:00.531 --> 01:01:03.785
My markers for lupus were…

01:01:03.868 --> 01:01:05.536
Go

01:01:05.620 --> 01:01:06.454
…high.

01:01:08.539 --> 01:01:11.292
Go…

01:01:11.376 --> 01:01:14.337
You have a different scenario
than a lot of other dancers.

01:01:14.420 --> 01:01:17.256
You have this underlying diagnosis,
autoimmune issue.

01:01:17.340 --> 01:01:20.343
I know that stress
can kick off a reaction.

01:01:20.426 --> 01:01:22.136
Don't worry about the money now.

01:01:22.220 --> 01:01:25.515
-I don't wanna self-produce a show again.
-You're not going to.

01:01:25.598 --> 01:01:28.434
Especially a show that I'm performing in.

01:01:28.518 --> 01:01:32.522
The biggest grant that we applied for,
we didn't get.

01:01:32.605 --> 01:01:34.482
We were finalists, so we were close,

01:01:34.565 --> 01:01:36.067
but it's always a big bummer

01:01:36.150 --> 01:01:39.737
because it's kind of a start-over
with fundraising now.

01:01:40.238 --> 01:01:43.825
You have been taught to endure pain.

01:01:43.908 --> 01:01:46.285
You've been taught to endure discomfort.

01:01:46.369 --> 01:01:48.413
What should I do?

01:01:48.496 --> 01:01:50.331
So that's where I just get overwhelmed.

01:01:51.124 --> 01:01:52.417
More

01:01:52.500 --> 01:01:54.585
I just want to focus on one thing.

01:01:57.922 --> 01:02:00.842
Everything besides my show,
like teaching and choreographing,

01:02:00.925 --> 01:02:02.760
they're not just side jobs.

01:02:03.928 --> 01:02:05.596
I put everything into them.

01:02:06.764 --> 01:02:09.559
But it's just what it takes from me.

01:02:09.642 --> 01:02:13.771
No time to wait

01:02:13.855 --> 01:02:16.774
No time to think

01:02:16.858 --> 01:02:19.902
No time to feel

01:02:19.986 --> 01:02:22.739
Should I do more?

01:02:22.822 --> 01:02:25.116
I'll do more

01:02:25.199 --> 01:02:27.743
I'll do more

01:02:27.827 --> 01:02:34.834
Do more

01:02:38.671 --> 01:02:42.300
And that's a huge drain
to kind of go through that

01:02:42.383 --> 01:02:43.926
and to reveal yourself.

01:02:44.010 --> 01:02:45.761
And that's why, as you're saying,

01:02:45.845 --> 01:02:49.015
"I've been through a lot,
and I just want to be still."

01:03:04.322 --> 01:03:07.074
I'm just trying to,
like, keep showing up every day.

01:03:07.158 --> 01:03:10.161
-Yeah.
-Whether I know what I'm doing or not.

01:03:15.291 --> 01:03:19.212
Go, go, go

01:03:20.505 --> 01:03:25.009
What should I do more?

01:03:27.803 --> 01:03:31.641
Should I do more?

01:03:32.600 --> 01:03:39.440
Should I? Should I? Should I?

01:03:39.524 --> 01:03:40.983
Should I?

01:03:41.067 --> 01:03:43.569
It's the cost of our living
that's burning you out?

01:03:43.653 --> 01:03:47.865
Yeah, I just need the burden
of supporting our lifestyle to go away.

01:03:48.658 --> 01:03:50.618
We can also cancel your show

01:03:50.701 --> 01:03:53.788
because the last thing you should
be doing the show for is for the other,

01:03:53.871 --> 01:03:56.123
the outside world, Sonya or Alex or--

01:03:56.207 --> 01:03:59.460
I'm not. I want to make this show.

01:04:00.962 --> 01:04:04.674
But that's all I want to do.
I don't want to do anything else.

01:04:04.757 --> 01:04:05.883
Let's make that happen.

01:04:05.967 --> 01:04:11.889
Should I do more?

01:04:11.973 --> 01:04:14.225
I'll do more…

01:04:14.308 --> 01:04:16.018
You gotta lean on me, boo.

01:04:16.102 --> 01:04:18.437
You're not putting anything on me.
You're my sister.

01:04:18.521 --> 01:04:22.024
-How do you have capacity?
-You're-- I'm obsessed.

01:04:22.108 --> 01:04:23.442
I'm obsessed with dance.

01:04:23.526 --> 01:04:24.694
I'm obsessed with ideas.

01:04:24.777 --> 01:04:27.697
I'm obsessed with
my soul sister feeling better.

01:04:28.364 --> 01:04:32.034
Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it.

01:04:32.118 --> 01:04:35.955
I'm only in this
for, like, the reason of sharing.

01:04:36.038 --> 01:04:37.498
It's the little ripples, you know?

01:04:37.582 --> 01:04:41.836
The most important thing is the people
who need to see this piece see the piece.

01:04:41.919 --> 01:04:43.671
That's a lot of people.

01:04:43.754 --> 01:04:45.172
We'll find a way.

01:04:45.256 --> 01:04:47.675
I know the show is happening.
Like, I see that.

01:04:48.301 --> 01:04:50.219
Like, that I know in my soul.

01:04:50.303 --> 01:04:53.598
I don't know where or when it's happening.
And I don't know how it's happening.

01:04:56.142 --> 01:05:01.522
So much of this career
is maybe not super healthy for me.

01:05:02.440 --> 01:05:07.486
Yes, it's been all the great things,
but I would not recommend it for everyone.

01:05:08.446 --> 01:05:10.906
It's just my special interest,

01:05:10.990 --> 01:05:14.327
and what was helpful for me was dance.

01:05:15.328 --> 01:05:18.289
What are you scared about the most

01:05:18.372 --> 01:05:20.750
when you think of packing up
and leaving the city?

01:05:21.459 --> 01:05:23.252
Now that you know it's happening.

01:05:23.336 --> 01:05:25.504
Just a lot of change all at once.

01:05:25.588 --> 01:05:29.634
And I… don't know
what the future looks like.

01:05:29.717 --> 01:05:31.260
We're selling our dream home

01:05:31.844 --> 01:05:35.765
that we now no longer
can justifiably keep.

01:05:35.848 --> 01:05:38.809
Can't afford it,
making the art that I wanna be making.

01:05:38.893 --> 01:05:42.647
Yeah, I made the decision
to cancel everything this fall.

01:05:42.730 --> 01:05:45.399
I don't know what's gonna happen.
I've never done this before.

01:05:45.483 --> 01:05:48.569
I just turned down $50,000 worth of work.

01:05:48.653 --> 01:05:50.696
You said five, right? Not 50?

01:05:51.197 --> 01:05:56.202
-Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work
-Oh.

01:05:56.285 --> 01:05:58.287
Feels good. Oh, yeah.

01:05:59.830 --> 01:06:02.124
Okay, here we go. Cheers.

01:06:02.208 --> 01:06:04.001
Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore.

01:06:06.754 --> 01:06:11.092
Yeah, I have no fucking clue
what's next other than this show.

01:06:11.175 --> 01:06:15.805
It feels like taking steps back
to take steps forward, for sure.

01:06:15.888 --> 01:06:17.390
That's like us, babe.

01:06:17.473 --> 01:06:19.684
-The two street rats?
-Yeah, from Jersey.

01:06:19.767 --> 01:06:22.478
-Two street rats moving to Jersey.
-You're the fatter one.

01:06:22.561 --> 01:06:24.647
I'm the fat--?

01:06:25.940 --> 01:06:28.984
Well, we won't be walking distance
from this view anymore.

01:06:29.068 --> 01:06:30.027
No, ma'am.

01:06:30.111 --> 01:06:32.113
But I imagine
that even if we fail forward,

01:06:32.196 --> 01:06:35.866
we'll be better off than staying here
watching the ducks swim by.

01:06:36.367 --> 01:06:37.660
Also, straight line.

01:06:37.743 --> 01:06:40.371
They're saying, "Get your ducks in a row."

01:06:40.454 --> 01:06:42.957
-It's what balance feels like.
-Yeah.

01:06:43.040 --> 01:06:44.166
Maybe in your work,

01:06:44.250 --> 01:06:47.545
you're going to help
redefine that for the dance world.

01:06:51.298 --> 01:06:53.592
Pushing as an athlete is important,

01:06:53.676 --> 01:06:55.261
but the rest is important.

01:06:55.344 --> 01:06:57.471
The nutrition is important, the balance.

01:06:57.555 --> 01:07:01.267
Your mind, your health, your emotions,
all of that's a part of that.

01:07:01.350 --> 01:07:03.936
And I would imagine that
when that's all in balance,

01:07:04.020 --> 01:07:06.605
you're going to have
the most incredible performance.

01:07:06.689 --> 01:07:10.776
Yeah, that's what
I'm wanting to find, what that looks like.

01:07:10.860 --> 01:07:12.278
Thank you, Jennifer.

01:07:12.361 --> 01:07:14.321
-Yeah, I like that, what that looks like.
-Yeah.

01:07:14.405 --> 01:07:16.407
-Yeah, because you don't know it yet.
-Mm.

01:07:16.490 --> 01:07:17.533
But you're finding it.

01:07:19.118 --> 01:07:20.578
The best type of art is the art

01:07:20.661 --> 01:07:23.539
is the art you're not
totally aware you're making.

01:07:23.622 --> 01:07:26.000
You're just ever present in it.

01:07:26.792 --> 01:07:30.546
Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now
through a new set of eyes myself,

01:07:30.629 --> 01:07:34.258
and starting to understand what may have
connected me to Jenn in the first place,

01:07:34.341 --> 01:07:38.012
and what connected her to me,
and why we so quickly just…

01:07:38.929 --> 01:07:40.973
I'm trying to grapple this grit factor

01:07:41.057 --> 01:07:44.101
of growing up
a punk-ass sad kid in the '90s

01:07:44.185 --> 01:07:45.603
that drank way too much too young,

01:07:45.686 --> 01:07:49.482
where you just shove your shit down
and be tough and get through.

01:07:49.565 --> 01:07:54.403
I gotta let go of that old Ian completely,
and that's been pretty fucking hard,

01:07:54.487 --> 01:07:57.948
doing that in tandem with her
right now in this time.

01:08:00.993 --> 01:08:02.495
My head hurts so bad.

01:08:02.578 --> 01:08:03.662
Where are the keys?

01:08:04.246 --> 01:08:05.873
Did I have the keys?

01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:09.001
Be right back.

01:08:09.835 --> 01:08:11.504
He seems stressed.

01:08:13.714 --> 01:08:16.300
-He's going through it right now.
-Okay.

01:08:33.526 --> 01:08:38.197
I'm having my last bath
in our New York City apartment,

01:08:38.280 --> 01:08:40.658
but I think it's all good.

01:08:40.741 --> 01:08:43.077
We're moving to Jersey for a little while.

01:08:43.160 --> 01:08:44.995
For who knows how long, actually.

01:08:47.623 --> 01:08:48.624
But first…

01:08:50.835 --> 01:08:57.842
Take me home

01:09:03.097 --> 01:09:06.725
Take me…

01:09:06.809 --> 01:09:09.436
Persistent deficits
in social communication

01:09:09.520 --> 01:09:12.731
and social interaction
across multiple contexts.

01:09:12.815 --> 01:09:19.446
Take me home

01:09:21.073 --> 01:09:27.496
Home

01:09:30.791 --> 01:09:33.419
That was a really
beautiful place for you to grow up,1

01:09:33.502 --> 01:09:38.382
a place where you felt
very secure and at home.

01:09:38.465 --> 01:09:40.718
Being out in nature is very soothing.

01:09:41.886 --> 01:09:42.887
Jenn!

01:09:42.970 --> 01:09:44.555
Damn it!

01:09:44.638 --> 01:09:47.391
Less of an environment
that is pressing on you

01:09:47.474 --> 01:09:51.395
to have a response
or to be sensory regulated.

01:09:54.440 --> 01:09:57.026
At the same time
that I'm having all of this clarity,

01:09:57.693 --> 01:10:00.613
I also feel kind of adolescent in a way.

01:10:01.405 --> 01:10:05.075
I really feel like I'm experiencing
everything for the first time again.

01:10:05.159 --> 01:10:07.912
I'm home

01:10:07.995 --> 01:10:11.415
And so I have this instant desire
to know where this came from.

01:10:14.376 --> 01:10:19.048
It's just so confusing to me
because there's so much love there,

01:10:19.131 --> 01:10:22.259
but no chance of successful communication.

01:10:22.343 --> 01:10:23.344
That's what it feels like.

01:10:24.929 --> 01:10:31.101
But I just had this deep feeling
that I had to leave.

01:10:31.185 --> 01:10:32.228
Yeah.

01:10:33.062 --> 01:10:34.980
I felt nothing leaving home.

01:10:40.444 --> 01:10:43.280
Deficits in non-verbal
communicative behaviors

01:10:43.364 --> 01:10:45.532
used for social interaction.

01:10:46.951 --> 01:10:51.372
There's a difference
between loving and needing.

01:10:52.456 --> 01:10:55.125
You haven't ever really needed me.

01:10:55.626 --> 01:10:57.002
Mom.

01:10:57.753 --> 01:10:59.421
That's not true.

01:11:00.965 --> 01:11:04.802
Jennifer… can you say,
"Happy Mother's Day"?

01:11:05.469 --> 01:11:07.721
Mother's Day.

01:11:07.805 --> 01:11:08.973
Yeah.

01:11:09.056 --> 01:11:11.517
I got called selfish a lot
when I was little.

01:11:11.600 --> 01:11:12.559
Let go!

01:11:12.643 --> 01:11:15.437
What are you trying to push me away for?

01:11:16.021 --> 01:11:17.648
More combative.

01:11:19.316 --> 01:11:22.194
Told that I don't care about my family.

01:11:23.279 --> 01:11:24.530
So I started to believe that.

01:11:25.489 --> 01:11:26.740
Once you get a diagnosis

01:11:26.824 --> 01:11:30.661
and then you also have the information
that it's genetic or it runs in families,

01:11:30.744 --> 01:11:32.579
you start to look at your family.

01:11:32.663 --> 01:11:36.875
-You just threw a lot on my… brain.
-Sorry.

01:11:38.335 --> 01:11:40.212
I can't control her.

01:11:40.295 --> 01:11:42.715
The way I was raised,
when my mom said, "boo,"

01:11:42.798 --> 01:11:44.216
you jumped.

01:11:44.300 --> 01:11:46.385
That's never, ever happened for me.

01:11:47.303 --> 01:11:50.139
It feels like
it really all stems from communication.

01:11:50.222 --> 01:11:51.223
Yes.

01:11:51.307 --> 01:11:53.183
That's the way I used to feel with my mom.

01:11:53.767 --> 01:11:56.770
I can't communicate with this person.

01:11:56.854 --> 01:11:59.273
It makes me feel insane.

01:11:59.356 --> 01:12:02.526
When you say to me,
"Why do you need to know?"

01:12:02.609 --> 01:12:05.029
And "What's the point
of getting a diagnosis?"

01:12:05.112 --> 01:12:08.407
And "What changes things?"
And "Who cares?"

01:12:08.490 --> 01:12:10.534
I don't understand your world,

01:12:10.617 --> 01:12:12.703
because you haven't shared it with me.

01:12:12.786 --> 01:12:14.663
I haven't been able to let you in my world

01:12:14.747 --> 01:12:16.832
because there's been a huge missing piece.

01:12:16.915 --> 01:12:20.419
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity.

01:12:21.587 --> 01:12:23.756
Why are you going through all this stuff?

01:12:23.839 --> 01:12:26.175
Just trying to find money for my show.

01:12:26.925 --> 01:12:28.260
Trying to sell those dolls?

01:12:28.344 --> 01:12:30.429
I'm seeing how much I could sell it for.

01:12:32.014 --> 01:12:36.268
Each one of these
really does represent so much hard work.

01:12:36.352 --> 01:12:39.563
Thank God I found dance
because I grew up in such a small town.

01:12:39.646 --> 01:12:42.316
There wasn't a lot of opportunity,
and, like, people don't leave.

01:12:42.399 --> 01:12:44.318
As your mother said,
had you not had dance,

01:12:44.401 --> 01:12:45.736
you would've gone bad.

01:12:45.819 --> 01:12:47.571
-Yeah.
-Gone real bad.

01:12:48.697 --> 01:12:50.574
With Idaho, I see it.

01:12:51.075 --> 01:12:52.910
There's this whole populace of people

01:12:52.993 --> 01:12:55.871
that never had access
to mental health care.

01:12:55.954 --> 01:12:57.414
Or it's not discussed.

01:12:57.498 --> 01:12:59.249
Not a comfortable place to be…

01:12:59.333 --> 01:13:00.501
I'm coming!

01:13:00.584 --> 01:13:02.878
…anything that is considered other.

01:13:02.961 --> 01:13:05.923
Jenn didn't fit into the equation
of what that town is.

01:13:06.548 --> 01:13:08.175
It's a really small town.

01:13:08.258 --> 01:13:11.720
The population when I was growing up there
was 700 or something like that.

01:13:11.804 --> 01:13:14.181
-What's the name of your town?
-Star.

01:13:14.264 --> 01:13:18.060
Oh, my God. This is the birth book
that has two pages full or something.

01:13:18.143 --> 01:13:19.144
"Notes on behavior."

01:13:19.228 --> 01:13:22.648
"Eight months old. You wanted to play
with big kids, not the babies your age."

01:13:23.315 --> 01:13:26.360
"At this age, you are very independent
and argumentative."

01:13:26.443 --> 01:13:28.862
"Sometimes I wonder
if I will even make it through the day."

01:13:31.782 --> 01:13:33.325
"You are very intelligent."

01:13:33.409 --> 01:13:35.285
"You spell your name, count."

01:13:35.369 --> 01:13:38.080
"You have a vocabulary
that is amazing at times."

01:13:38.163 --> 01:13:40.124
"Screams a lot. Screams a lot."

01:13:40.207 --> 01:13:41.458
Is that in there?

01:13:41.542 --> 01:13:43.752
-Let go!
-You got it. Take it off.

01:13:43.836 --> 01:13:46.463
-Let go! You don't…
-You got it.

01:13:47.965 --> 01:13:49.174
"Most important though,

01:13:49.258 --> 01:13:51.677
we love you
more than we ever thought possible."

01:13:51.760 --> 01:13:54.388
"You are a wonderful child,
and I couldn't trade you for anything."

01:13:54.471 --> 01:13:56.932
"You are such a grown-up little girl."

01:13:58.100 --> 01:14:00.102
"February 21, 1991."

01:14:03.397 --> 01:14:05.399
Deficits in developing, maintaining

01:14:05.482 --> 01:14:07.526
and understanding relationships.

01:14:09.069 --> 01:14:11.488
Part of having autism,
they say, is genetic.

01:14:12.656 --> 01:14:14.366
This is dysfunctional.

01:14:14.450 --> 01:14:18.495
Obviously your siblings and your family
hold up a mirror to you.

01:14:19.371 --> 01:14:21.874
-Fits right in then, right?
-We're family.

01:14:23.333 --> 01:14:28.255
All of these real-life revelations
are happening simultaneously

01:14:28.338 --> 01:14:31.800
with the creation of the show.

01:14:32.384 --> 01:14:34.469
Hold your doll up so everybody can see it.

01:14:34.553 --> 01:14:37.639
And so discoveries
that are happening in my life

01:14:37.723 --> 01:14:43.770
are ending up in front of me on stage
in this really beautiful and organic way.

01:14:45.939 --> 01:14:52.654
I will follow you…

01:14:54.823 --> 01:14:57.784
Bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

01:14:57.868 --> 01:15:02.080
Where's the bear?
Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

01:15:02.164 --> 01:15:04.291
Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

01:15:04.374 --> 01:15:05.667
I think you have it.

01:15:05.751 --> 01:15:09.880
Where's the bear?
Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

01:15:10.923 --> 01:15:15.219
Where's the bear?
Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

01:15:15.969 --> 01:15:19.389
-She's cute. She didn't see me.
-She can crawl, remember?

01:15:22.309 --> 01:15:24.603
In a perfect world,

01:15:24.686 --> 01:15:27.648
I could pull, like, tons.

01:15:27.731 --> 01:15:28.607
Yeah.

01:15:29.441 --> 01:15:33.612
Like there's a mountain of them
at my feet when I'm done.

01:15:34.238 --> 01:15:35.197
Yeah.

01:15:37.199 --> 01:15:39.368
Can you say a couple words
about this piece?

01:15:39.451 --> 01:15:41.203
-What it means to you?
-Yeah.

01:15:44.498 --> 01:15:46.375
There's Robbyn's mom's house.

01:15:46.458 --> 01:15:48.043
Hi, Grandma!

01:15:49.294 --> 01:15:51.338
At my grandma's house,

01:15:52.464 --> 01:15:54.925
I just have all these memories of play

01:15:55.008 --> 01:15:57.135
and feeling really free.

01:15:59.179 --> 01:16:00.597
Peek-a-boo!

01:16:00.681 --> 01:16:03.475
She had this innate way of knowing

01:16:03.559 --> 01:16:08.522
how to, like, let me do things
over and over and over and over again.

01:16:08.605 --> 01:16:11.525
So I just always felt really free
because she would never stop me.

01:16:11.608 --> 01:16:14.152
I'd play the same song a hundred times,

01:16:14.236 --> 01:16:16.405
and she'd never say,
"Okay, it's time to turn it off."

01:16:21.076 --> 01:16:24.413
The tissues are because
when I was little I couldn't skip.

01:16:24.496 --> 01:16:27.165
Kim told me that's
a common trait of an autistic child

01:16:27.249 --> 01:16:29.209
is they have a hard time skipping.

01:16:29.293 --> 01:16:33.422
And so my grandma taught me how to skip
by giving me a box of tissues.

01:16:33.922 --> 01:16:36.091
She'd say, "When you step,
you grab the tissue,

01:16:36.174 --> 01:16:38.051
and then when you hop, you throw it."

01:16:38.135 --> 01:16:39.553
So that's how I learned how to skip.

01:16:39.636 --> 01:16:46.059
And I remember the whole living room
would just be, like, covered in tissues.

01:16:46.560 --> 01:16:48.270
And she didn't make me clean them up

01:16:48.353 --> 01:16:51.106
or feel bad about making a mess
or anything like that.

01:16:51.189 --> 01:16:53.066
But that's how I learned how to skip.

01:16:53.567 --> 01:16:56.194
So that's where
the tissue idea comes from.

01:16:56.695 --> 01:17:00.073
She taught you
how to move in a way that was rhythmic.

01:17:00.157 --> 01:17:03.035
People with ASD
often have a motor disfluency.

01:17:03.118 --> 01:17:06.455
So they don't always have
that rhythm to the way they move.

01:17:06.538 --> 01:17:08.999
And that's why skipping was hard for you.

01:17:09.082 --> 01:17:11.543
Your grandmother
really walked you through that

01:17:11.626 --> 01:17:13.879
in a very visual way with tissues

01:17:13.962 --> 01:17:16.465
and was able to show you through stepping

01:17:16.548 --> 01:17:20.302
as you pulled the tissues
and hop as you tossed the tissue.

01:17:20.385 --> 01:17:22.596
And once she did that, you had it.

01:17:22.679 --> 01:17:26.141
And that's really how
you reach people with ASD,

01:17:26.224 --> 01:17:28.560
is you follow their currency.

01:17:29.853 --> 01:17:31.855
What a gift she gave you.

01:17:39.988 --> 01:17:43.950
So Jennifer learned
to be independent at a very early age.

01:17:44.034 --> 01:17:46.036
I didn't learn until my mom died.

01:17:46.953 --> 01:17:48.497
You really relied on her.

01:17:49.539 --> 01:17:50.582
I did.

01:17:52.250 --> 01:17:54.294
And I always wanted that for you.

01:18:01.343 --> 01:18:03.387
I've never resented you.

01:18:07.265 --> 01:18:09.559
I loved everything about you.

01:18:14.648 --> 01:18:16.983
I just needed help sometimes.

01:18:18.276 --> 01:18:25.117
Funny little bird I'll watch you grow

01:18:25.200 --> 01:18:27.119
What a gift she gave you.

01:18:34.167 --> 01:18:35.127
Yeah.

01:18:58.692 --> 01:19:00.402
-Hello?
-Hi.

01:19:00.485 --> 01:19:01.778
-Hi.
-Cut to it.

01:19:01.862 --> 01:19:07.117
Uh, the Perelman
is commissioning our show.

01:19:07.200 --> 01:19:09.286
-What the fuck?
-What the fuck?

01:19:09.369 --> 01:19:12.164
We're going to be
part of the inaugural season.

01:19:14.875 --> 01:19:20.464
Sonya got this email from Bill,
the artistic director, today.

01:19:20.547 --> 01:19:24.801
He said, "Forgive the delayed response.
It's been a crazy stretch."

01:19:24.885 --> 01:19:26.094
"We are definitely all in

01:19:26.178 --> 01:19:28.847
on wanting to commission
and help make this happen."

01:19:28.930 --> 01:19:32.434
"Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing
this beautiful project to us."

01:19:32.517 --> 01:19:34.895
This is not normal.

01:19:34.978 --> 01:19:36.980
-This is like--
-That's what we should call the doc.

01:19:37.063 --> 01:19:39.691
-"This is not Normal."
-That's what you should call it.

01:19:42.235 --> 01:19:43.904
This is beyond,

01:19:43.987 --> 01:19:49.075
like, truly beyond anything
that I could have dreamt, seriously.

01:19:49.576 --> 01:19:51.077
-It's amazing.
-Yeah.

01:19:51.161 --> 01:19:53.789
I didn't know that something like this
was even possible.

01:19:53.872 --> 01:19:55.499
This is crazy.

01:19:56.166 --> 01:20:00.420
Well, it only takes, you know,
traumatic things in your life to happen.

01:20:00.504 --> 01:20:03.215
You can't just open those doors.

01:20:07.886 --> 01:20:10.096
Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo!

01:20:10.180 --> 01:20:12.224
You're just imagining
what it's gonna be like.

01:20:12.307 --> 01:20:13.767
Taking it in.

01:20:14.267 --> 01:20:15.435
So cool.

01:20:20.690 --> 01:20:24.653
I want you to know
that you always have me if you need me,

01:20:24.736 --> 01:20:27.989
but that you have the ability
to say what you need in life.

01:20:28.073 --> 01:20:29.449
And you needed me today,

01:20:29.533 --> 01:20:33.662
and I'm so glad to give
this space to you to be able to talk.

01:20:33.745 --> 01:20:37.958
So I feel so good that you asked,
and I'm glad you did.

01:20:38.542 --> 01:20:41.962
Do you have questions for me?

01:20:42.045 --> 01:20:44.381
Yes, I do.

01:20:44.965 --> 01:20:47.592
I'd be glad to talk it through with you
if you need ever it.

01:20:47.676 --> 01:20:50.762
I would. I think that would be,
I think, beneficial.

01:20:50.846 --> 01:20:54.057
-I would appreciate that. Thank you.
-Okay. Yeah. Sure.

01:20:54.849 --> 01:20:57.727
It's encouraging
because I know why I'm doing it.

01:20:57.811 --> 01:20:59.646
-And I think you do too.
-Yes.

01:20:59.729 --> 01:21:01.398
-The why is there.
-Yeah.

01:21:01.481 --> 01:21:07.487
Parents that know that their child
is autistic or might be on the spectrum,

01:21:07.571 --> 01:21:10.407
but they don't choose to identify it…

01:21:10.490 --> 01:21:13.285
-"Let's just wait and see if they pass."
-Mm-hm.

01:21:14.119 --> 01:21:19.249
And that's really sad
because that child knows

01:21:19.332 --> 01:21:22.586
that they are not the same
as the other children.

01:21:23.169 --> 01:21:26.631
And so you're basically, by ignoring it,
teaching them to ignore themselves.

01:21:26.715 --> 01:21:29.426
-Mm-hm.
-I'm not saying it's malicious.

01:21:29.509 --> 01:21:32.053
-It's done with love.
-They think it's the best interest.

01:21:32.137 --> 01:21:37.601
But as someone
who got diagnosed fairly late in life,

01:21:37.684 --> 01:21:40.854
I wish that I had known sooner.

01:21:41.438 --> 01:21:44.733
Like I… definitely wish I knew sooner.

01:21:44.816 --> 01:21:47.068
-Me too.
-Mm-hm. Yeah.

01:21:47.152 --> 01:21:49.487
Why don't you take the camera from Alex?

01:21:50.113 --> 01:21:51.823
-Okay.
-Point it at him for a minute.

01:21:51.907 --> 01:21:53.074
-Okay.
-That okay?

01:21:53.158 --> 01:21:54.367
-Yeah.
-Is it on?

01:21:55.160 --> 01:21:57.412
-It's on. It says "recording," right?
-Yeah.

01:22:09.549 --> 01:22:10.634
Alex!

01:22:13.053 --> 01:22:15.263
-There's a lot happening.
-Yeah.

01:22:15.347 --> 01:22:17.098
-Still happening currently.
-Yeah.

01:22:17.182 --> 01:22:21.144
So, I'm just wondering
where you are on the rollercoaster.

01:22:21.645 --> 01:22:22.520
Say something.

01:22:22.604 --> 01:22:24.773
I don't have anything to say to you.

01:22:28.068 --> 01:22:29.945
I know. Wait, are you stressed?

01:22:30.028 --> 01:22:32.197
No. I feel like there's a better way.

01:22:32.280 --> 01:22:34.532
Well, I feel lucky that I found you.

01:22:34.616 --> 01:22:35.992
Don't throw me yet.

01:22:37.827 --> 01:22:40.747
-When we did and how we did.
-Wow, pretty.

01:22:40.830 --> 01:22:42.374
Or rather we found each other.

01:22:42.457 --> 01:22:46.753
For a reason that is turning into
something that is bigger than both of us.

01:22:46.836 --> 01:22:48.630
I totally understand that.

01:22:49.130 --> 01:22:51.216
You've become one of my closest friends.

01:22:51.800 --> 01:22:54.761
Spot Alex.

01:22:54.844 --> 01:22:58.223
But I realize that
we're much more alike than I thought.

01:22:59.099 --> 01:23:00.725
You know I don't like this.

01:23:01.685 --> 01:23:04.479
Because you're able to mask it so well
for everybody else.

01:23:04.562 --> 01:23:06.815
You're never too old to feel special.

01:23:06.898 --> 01:23:08.775
But I feel like I got to see you,

01:23:09.859 --> 01:23:11.695
like, really see you.

01:23:13.655 --> 01:23:18.243
I realized that you are… a mirror.

01:23:21.663 --> 01:23:23.915
Does anyone else know you're autistic

01:23:23.999 --> 01:23:26.084
other than me and Dr. Gilbert?

01:23:26.167 --> 01:23:27.001
No.

01:23:28.044 --> 01:23:33.800
You've been hiding
parts of yourself that you don't prefer.

01:23:33.883 --> 01:23:34.718
Yeah.

01:23:34.801 --> 01:23:37.470
And now you're being asked
to expose the parts of yourself

01:23:37.554 --> 01:23:40.765
you've been working
your entire life to hide.

01:23:40.849 --> 01:23:44.185
It was a point where I--
It just basically broke.

01:23:44.269 --> 01:23:47.856
Yeah, and a few years ago,
I just shut down.

01:23:48.356 --> 01:23:51.276
I didn't know what to do.
That's when I was getting really bad.

01:23:51.359 --> 01:23:55.071
It was affecting work
and family and friends.

01:23:55.155 --> 01:23:57.157
I just-- I couldn't do anything.

01:23:57.240 --> 01:24:00.243
And where do you feel
sadness in your body?

01:24:00.326 --> 01:24:01.327
Oh, everywhere.

01:24:01.411 --> 01:24:02.996
You lose your words a little.

01:24:03.079 --> 01:24:04.289
-Yeah. I understand.
-Yeah.

01:24:04.372 --> 01:24:07.625
I cannot even look people in the eye
at that point and communicate.

01:24:07.709 --> 01:24:09.252
Why do you think we're like that?

01:24:09.335 --> 01:24:12.130
There's some questions that
have to do with feelings and emotions.

01:24:12.213 --> 01:24:14.883
-Mm-hm.
-And the first one is just happiness.

01:24:14.966 --> 01:24:16.593
Like, what makes you happy?

01:24:17.093 --> 01:24:18.845
-My family.
-Yes.

01:24:18.928 --> 01:24:20.889
I'm very fortunate when it comes to that.

01:24:20.972 --> 01:24:22.307
Hey, Mom.

01:24:22.390 --> 01:24:23.725
-Hi, sweetie.
-How are you?

01:24:23.808 --> 01:24:25.226
-Are you taking a video?
-Yes.

01:24:25.310 --> 01:24:27.187
-Oh, dear.
-Say something sweet.

01:24:27.270 --> 01:24:28.438
-I love you.
-Thank you.

01:24:28.521 --> 01:24:30.648
-And I'm thrilled for you.
-Thank you, Mom.

01:24:30.732 --> 01:24:32.942
Ha!

01:24:33.026 --> 01:24:34.152
Oh!

01:24:34.235 --> 01:24:36.571
Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys.

01:24:36.654 --> 01:24:39.657
I get a lot of inspiration from my brother
'cause I look up to him.

01:24:40.408 --> 01:24:42.619
Because so much of me comes from him.

01:24:42.702 --> 01:24:45.163
-You're very close with him.
-Very much so.

01:24:45.246 --> 01:24:46.915
He's crazy.

01:24:46.998 --> 01:24:48.625
And then there's Miguel.

01:24:49.834 --> 01:24:52.045
God, I love that man.
I think about it often.

01:24:52.128 --> 01:24:55.340
I think if I didn't have Miguel,
like if we never met,

01:24:55.423 --> 01:24:57.092
I don't know where I would be.

01:25:00.637 --> 01:25:05.600
So, I do see that diagnosis for you,
and you meet the criteria for it.

01:25:05.683 --> 01:25:07.685
What do you think about that?

01:25:07.769 --> 01:25:11.648
It's honestly not what I expected to hear.

01:25:11.731 --> 01:25:14.025
What are you feeling right now?

01:25:15.235 --> 01:25:16.861
I just didn't expect it.

01:25:16.945 --> 01:25:20.240
I think that's a common thing people say,
"You don't look autistic."

01:25:20.323 --> 01:25:23.576
"You don't appear that way."
Or "Why is it important?"

01:25:23.660 --> 01:25:26.830
Because I know there are people
that are further along on the spectrum,

01:25:26.913 --> 01:25:29.541
this goes on in my mind,
that need it more than I do.

01:25:29.624 --> 01:25:31.334
Me getting a diagnosis, specifically,

01:25:31.417 --> 01:25:33.670
makes me feel like
I'm taking it away from somebody else.

01:25:33.753 --> 01:25:35.046
-I don't know why.
-Yeah.

01:25:35.130 --> 01:25:36.047
You're an adult,

01:25:36.130 --> 01:25:39.134
you've already made it past
the finish line of where it's the hardest.

01:25:39.217 --> 01:25:40.552
-Common mentality.
-Exactly.

01:25:40.635 --> 01:25:43.972
After all this time
of proving that you're capable,

01:25:44.055 --> 01:25:47.684
why would you want a label,
like a terrible label, like autism?

01:25:47.767 --> 01:25:51.312
Why wouldn't you choose to continue
passing as a neurotypical person?

01:25:51.396 --> 01:25:54.190
Why in the world
would you out yourself like that?

01:25:54.274 --> 01:25:57.735
-That's what they're really saying.
-Yeah, I'm tired of pretending.

01:25:58.236 --> 01:26:00.822
-That's what needs to change.
-Yeah.

01:26:02.490 --> 01:26:06.119
-Béyonce!
-You ready?

01:26:08.788 --> 01:26:09.706
Nine.

01:26:10.832 --> 01:26:11.833
Bang, bang.

01:26:11.916 --> 01:26:14.586
Eight. Seven.

01:26:15.628 --> 01:26:19.465
Six, five, four,

01:26:20.592 --> 01:26:23.178
three, two, one.

01:26:25.638 --> 01:26:28.141
I was iffy on that one.
I didn't know if it was too weird.

01:26:28.224 --> 01:26:30.518
No, that's what
I think it needs to be more of.

01:26:30.602 --> 01:26:33.438
It's so cool.

01:26:33.521 --> 01:26:35.148
Well, you know I'm a film editor.

01:26:35.231 --> 01:26:36.608
What's that like?

01:26:36.691 --> 01:26:41.196
It's like trying to solve a puzzle
with infinite possible combinations

01:26:41.279 --> 01:26:45.033
while simultaneously
designing the puzzle at the same time.

01:26:46.743 --> 01:26:51.873
I love this because I've since learned
that my particular brain is just wired

01:26:51.956 --> 01:26:54.918
to process, see,
and create things differently.

01:26:55.001 --> 01:26:55.919
Yes.

01:26:56.002 --> 01:26:58.504
Any success came
from being completely obsessed with it,

01:26:58.588 --> 01:27:01.257
but also blindly ignorant to my limits.

01:27:01.341 --> 01:27:02.842
-Totally.
-Hey!

01:27:04.510 --> 01:27:07.263
Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer!

01:27:10.141 --> 01:27:13.436
Like you, once I had to start
surviving on it as a career,

01:27:13.519 --> 01:27:16.439
I felt as an artist
that I lost my purpose.

01:27:19.150 --> 01:27:22.153
I failed at understanding
the complexities, politics,

01:27:22.237 --> 01:27:24.989
and my loss of trust in so many people.

01:27:26.199 --> 01:27:30.370
It's something-- It's a outcome
that I'm not happy I have.

01:27:30.453 --> 01:27:32.997
-I don't know what I'm saying.
-No, you're explaining.

01:27:33.081 --> 01:27:38.586
I have an unrelenting trust in people,
to a fault.

01:27:38.670 --> 01:27:42.423
I see what they do on the surface
as what they mean.

01:27:42.507 --> 01:27:46.052
And that puts you in that space
of being taken advantage of.

01:27:46.135 --> 01:27:47.929
That's where I always struggle.

01:27:48.012 --> 01:27:51.307
You know, just like you,
I could push through anything,

01:27:51.391 --> 01:27:56.104
but just like you,
I would burn hot and then burn out.

01:27:56.187 --> 01:27:59.357
I didn't know what autistic burnout was,
so I had no tools to fight it.

01:27:59.440 --> 01:28:00.400
Yeah.

01:28:00.483 --> 01:28:03.528
And neither did my best friend, Ray.

01:28:04.279 --> 01:28:05.154
All right!

01:28:05.238 --> 01:28:08.741
I hate being in front of the camera,
but I'll do this for you guys. Love you.

01:28:08.825 --> 01:28:10.660
We were so alike.

01:28:10.743 --> 01:28:12.996
-We're so, so, so alike.
-Yeah.

01:28:13.079 --> 01:28:14.539
I knew his personality.

01:28:14.622 --> 01:28:18.167
I knew his fears and anger,
and also what he presented to the world,

01:28:18.251 --> 01:28:19.836
which was very different.

01:28:21.546 --> 01:28:22.588
Except for Ray,

01:28:22.672 --> 01:28:26.134
I never really talked to anybody
about anything before.

01:28:27.635 --> 01:28:29.804
He was very outgoing.

01:28:30.513 --> 01:28:32.307
-But it was to compensate.
-Okay.

01:28:32.390 --> 01:28:34.142
Like with Jenn,

01:28:34.225 --> 01:28:39.605
I saw a side of Ray
that few others really got to see.

01:28:39.689 --> 01:28:40.982
And I saw myself.

01:28:41.482 --> 01:28:42.900
He was a light.

01:28:43.568 --> 01:28:44.777
He was a light in my life.

01:28:46.112 --> 01:28:48.448
Several years ago, um…

01:28:49.407 --> 01:28:55.747
he took his own life
by jumping out of a building window.

01:28:57.415 --> 01:29:00.168
And I can't help but think

01:29:00.251 --> 01:29:05.298
that if we both knew then what I know now,

01:29:05.381 --> 01:29:09.844
maybe he could have shifted
to a better path with the right tools.

01:29:15.224 --> 01:29:17.935
Let's talk about happy things.
What'd you think of the film?

01:29:18.019 --> 01:29:20.355
Because I'm thinking
about changing the whole thing.

01:29:21.022 --> 01:29:25.693
What are you thinking?
Like, I've just been feeling you so much.

01:29:25.777 --> 01:29:29.697
The experiences you're having in real life
are gonna change your perspective.

01:29:29.781 --> 01:29:32.116
As much as you're telling my story,

01:29:32.200 --> 01:29:35.119
like, your experience
and your point of view

01:29:35.203 --> 01:29:37.455
is such a big part of what you're making.

01:29:37.538 --> 01:29:39.290
You need to be in there too.

01:29:39.374 --> 01:29:41.918
You're not the one
that usually is doing the sharing.

01:29:42.001 --> 01:29:45.213
You're showing, you know,
what someone else has decided to share.

01:29:45.296 --> 01:29:48.132
So, it's a different light for you.

01:29:48.216 --> 01:29:49.884
-It's just scary.
-Yeah.

01:29:49.967 --> 01:29:52.011
Because originally
I wasn't part of it at all,

01:29:52.095 --> 01:29:54.889
but that's the only story we have.

01:29:54.972 --> 01:29:58.309
I'd never talk about anything
with anybody ever, honestly.

01:29:58.393 --> 01:30:01.771
That's just something
I'd never had before, even with Miguel.

01:30:01.854 --> 01:30:04.357
Because I've always kind of put that…

01:30:05.108 --> 01:30:06.818
What are you fearful of?

01:30:06.901 --> 01:30:09.404
It's the shame of it, you know?
I don't know why.

01:30:09.487 --> 01:30:13.324
It's really hard to get past that part

01:30:14.283 --> 01:30:17.286
because I never fully fit in anywhere.

01:30:17.370 --> 01:30:20.415
So I sought approval wherever I could,

01:30:20.498 --> 01:30:27.505
which made me easy to manipulate
into things like, um…

01:30:29.298 --> 01:30:31.759
sexual-- child sex abuse. Um…

01:30:31.843 --> 01:30:33.386
Oh, wow.

01:30:33.469 --> 01:30:35.680
I've never really
said that out loud before.

01:30:35.763 --> 01:30:38.015
How old were you when this started?

01:30:38.099 --> 01:30:41.060
Maybe, um, five or six, I think.

01:30:41.144 --> 01:30:42.979
Wow. You were so young.

01:30:43.563 --> 01:30:44.981
-Yeah.
-Alex.

01:30:45.690 --> 01:30:49.152
The tough part, too,
about abuse is it's so secretive.

01:30:51.112 --> 01:30:53.865
Unfortunately, that person taught you

01:30:53.948 --> 01:30:56.242
to cover up and to be quiet,

01:30:56.325 --> 01:30:57.743
to not be you.

01:30:59.704 --> 01:31:03.499
It's more highly correlated
than the neurotypical population.

01:31:03.583 --> 01:31:07.628
I was scared of being perceived as gay.

01:31:07.712 --> 01:31:09.046
-Okay.
-Um…

01:31:09.130 --> 01:31:12.467
That was my biggest fear,
and I think that's why I kept quiet.

01:31:13.551 --> 01:31:15.428
I just didn't understand it.

01:31:15.970 --> 01:31:18.764
But the world was telling me
that gay was bad.

01:31:18.848 --> 01:31:21.267
But you feared, when you were little,
what would happen?

01:31:21.350 --> 01:31:25.646
That I would be unlovable, and let go.

01:31:25.730 --> 01:31:26.939
Mm.

01:31:27.982 --> 01:31:32.361
I now know that
that was never even a possibility.

01:31:32.445 --> 01:31:37.700
That takes so much energy, Alex,
to hold that for that long.

01:31:37.783 --> 01:31:39.994
Learning how to talk about things with you

01:31:40.578 --> 01:31:44.373
has made it a lot easier
to connect with Miguel.

01:31:44.457 --> 01:31:49.587
I never thought I'd be able to talk to him
like this without any fear.

01:31:49.670 --> 01:31:53.549
I've-- I had missed that since Ray.

01:31:53.633 --> 01:31:57.595
But now Jenn
has also come into that role for me.

01:31:58.930 --> 01:32:02.767
Because we can process things together
instead of alone.

01:32:02.850 --> 01:32:05.228
I just hide away when it gets bad.

01:32:06.103 --> 01:32:08.564
You and me are so similar in so many ways.

01:32:08.648 --> 01:32:10.608
-It's ridiculous.
-I know.

01:32:10.691 --> 01:32:13.110
-She wants to be completely sober.
-She does, yeah.

01:32:13.194 --> 01:32:14.987
-Wanting it for so long.
-Yeah.

01:32:15.071 --> 01:32:16.447
Like nothing, nothing…

01:32:16.531 --> 01:32:21.869
I'm trying to just show up and be brave
with everything and share everything.

01:32:22.370 --> 01:32:24.205
That's really important to me.

01:32:24.288 --> 01:32:27.291
But this is like something
that I have so much shame about.

01:32:27.375 --> 01:32:32.046
-And so then I just feel like… it's all…
-Yeah.

01:32:32.129 --> 01:32:36.676
I'm like a… I'm just like a lie.

01:32:36.759 --> 01:32:40.304
Depression and anxiety
also can be comorbid with ASD.

01:32:40.388 --> 01:32:43.766
Often people also will go
to alcohol to soothe

01:32:43.849 --> 01:32:48.062
because it can open up doors to make it
a lot easier in those situations.

01:32:48.145 --> 01:32:52.817
She was crying, she said,
"I'm worried that if I stay with you,

01:32:52.900 --> 01:32:56.362
I can't become sober,
and I don't ever want to be without you."

01:32:56.445 --> 01:32:59.115
And I think that was the part
where I was like….

01:32:59.198 --> 01:33:00.491
"Goddamn."

01:33:00.575 --> 01:33:02.034
"Goddamn it."

01:33:02.118 --> 01:33:04.495
Just know that
I love you guys unconditionally.

01:33:04.579 --> 01:33:08.874
And, like, I might be one
of the better ones to kind of understand.

01:33:08.958 --> 01:33:10.835
I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you.

01:33:10.918 --> 01:33:12.461
-That's it. Not that far.
-Yeah.

01:33:12.545 --> 01:33:15.339
-Just like you were with autism.
-Yeah.

01:33:15.423 --> 01:33:17.967
-Just know I'm here to support.
-Thank you.

01:33:18.050 --> 01:33:21.304
The more that you talk,
the more that you let people see you

01:33:21.387 --> 01:33:25.474
and love you will give you
more of that core belief that you matter.

01:33:25.558 --> 01:33:27.768
Your weight in the world is important.

01:33:27.852 --> 01:33:28.728
Yeah.

01:33:31.981 --> 01:33:32.982
Happy birthday…

01:33:33.065 --> 01:33:35.985
These are the reasons
why I've been working so hard

01:33:36.068 --> 01:33:37.737
to understand my brain

01:33:37.820 --> 01:33:40.156
long before getting this diagnosis.

01:33:41.157 --> 01:33:43.659
Because I'm terrified.

01:33:45.703 --> 01:33:49.457
I don't want to get to the point
where I feel like there's no other option,

01:33:49.540 --> 01:33:51.459
but to turn everything off.

01:33:56.881 --> 01:33:57.715
Ian.

01:33:58.591 --> 01:33:59.884
-Ian.
-What?

01:33:59.967 --> 01:34:01.886
-I can't see you.
-Huh?

01:34:01.969 --> 01:34:03.137
I can't see you.

01:34:03.220 --> 01:34:06.390
No, no, no. Let me see you.
So I know where you are.

01:34:24.659 --> 01:34:25.576
So where are we?

01:34:27.411 --> 01:34:30.122
Jacob's Pillow.

01:34:31.332 --> 01:34:34.377
In the most beautiful studio in America.

01:34:39.465 --> 01:34:40.716
Tell me where we are.

01:34:40.800 --> 01:34:44.595
We are here at the Church at Sag Harbor.

01:34:44.679 --> 01:34:46.847
I mean, this space is magical.

01:34:47.973 --> 01:34:51.936
All of these organizations
donated not only space to us,

01:34:52.019 --> 01:34:54.438
but most importantly, time.

01:34:56.357 --> 01:35:01.028
Creating a show like this
can take years and so many resources.

01:35:03.614 --> 01:35:05.991
In our art form and in many places,

01:35:06.075 --> 01:35:08.869
there's a recipe
that has been the same for a long time

01:35:08.953 --> 01:35:10.871
that is not working anymore.

01:35:10.955 --> 01:35:13.416
And if we could soften that,

01:35:13.499 --> 01:35:15.501
and explore that together,

01:35:16.085 --> 01:35:20.756
and not consider these situations
as flaws or a hindrance…

01:35:20.840 --> 01:35:23.676
And maybe things
take a little bit more time,

01:35:23.759 --> 01:35:26.095
but what would happen if you gave time

01:35:26.178 --> 01:35:29.765
for a beautiful brain
to encompass an idea?

01:35:29.849 --> 01:35:31.308
What would it be like?

01:35:31.392 --> 01:35:32.768
That's what I want.

01:35:33.769 --> 01:35:35.479
For autistic people,

01:35:35.563 --> 01:35:42.027
one of the most common stims
is just free improv dancing.

01:35:42.111 --> 01:35:44.947
I would like
to keep some of this improvised.

01:35:45.030 --> 01:35:47.658
I think it's important
to be able to walk in and go,

01:35:47.742 --> 01:35:50.035
"What do you need?" Not, "What's wrong?"

01:35:50.119 --> 01:35:52.121
Jenn's not trying to, in Jenn's case,

01:35:52.204 --> 01:35:54.373
cure it or fix her.

01:35:54.457 --> 01:35:55.416
It's awareness.

01:35:56.459 --> 01:36:00.212
Being really clear
that this is my story only,

01:36:00.296 --> 01:36:05.050
and I have no interest in making
any type of overarching or grand statement

01:36:05.134 --> 01:36:09.180
about autism in general
or anyone else's experience.

01:36:09.263 --> 01:36:11.932
And that's really important
because autism is a spectrum

01:36:12.016 --> 01:36:17.354
and people have
many different types of support needs.

01:36:17.438 --> 01:36:18.689
The arrival of that,

01:36:18.773 --> 01:36:22.067
I think it would help
with the forearm more to really

01:36:22.151 --> 01:36:24.028
feel the stops, yeah.

01:36:24.111 --> 01:36:28.824
So, the realization
that my brain will never be changed,

01:36:28.908 --> 01:36:31.535
that was, like, the most freeing thing.

01:36:33.162 --> 01:36:36.749
Are there any questions
right now before we begin? Anything?

01:36:37.458 --> 01:36:39.335
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

01:36:39.418 --> 01:36:41.003
Yeah.

01:36:44.256 --> 01:36:48.177
Ooh…

01:37:07.112 --> 01:37:11.075
We're trying out using language
from the actual diagnostic criteria.

01:37:11.158 --> 01:37:14.995
And I think it's really interesting
seeing that rigid language

01:37:15.079 --> 01:37:19.375
juxtaposed with a human experience.

01:37:19.458 --> 01:37:22.670
Like, when you read
the DSM criteria for autism,

01:37:22.753 --> 01:37:24.380
it's so rigid.

01:37:24.463 --> 01:37:26.924
The first word of every trait, it's like,

01:37:27.007 --> 01:37:31.095
"failure, abnormal, inability, deficit."

01:37:31.178 --> 01:37:33.848
Then hearing the way
my therapist describes these traits,

01:37:33.931 --> 01:37:37.393
she describes them
in the most beautiful, positive way.

01:37:37.476 --> 01:37:39.687
So seeing that language
up against each other

01:37:39.770 --> 01:37:42.690
and then also seeing, like,
video of a child,

01:37:42.773 --> 01:37:44.567
it, like, doesn't match up.

01:37:44.650 --> 01:37:45.484
Yeah.

01:37:48.195 --> 01:37:49.905
Sometimes there's just stuff.

01:37:49.989 --> 01:37:51.490
Yeah, I mean, same.

01:37:51.574 --> 01:37:53.117
What

01:37:53.826 --> 01:37:56.078
What did you do

01:37:56.161 --> 01:38:01.375
When you grew out of the red dress

01:38:05.170 --> 01:38:08.340
I never asked you

01:38:08.424 --> 01:38:10.509
I never asked you

01:38:10.593 --> 01:38:12.428
-Got it!
-Yay.

01:38:12.511 --> 01:38:14.430
-Great!
-That's what this time's for.

01:38:21.729 --> 01:38:22.813
Tell me where we are.

01:38:24.273 --> 01:38:26.609
-I can't hear you. Speak up.
-La Jolla.

01:38:26.692 --> 01:38:30.029
-La Jolla?
-La Jolla? Is that you? Oh, hi.

01:38:30.112 --> 01:38:31.864
Yes, we'd love to.

01:38:31.947 --> 01:38:33.866
We'd love to come
spend three months there.

01:38:33.949 --> 01:38:35.409
Thank you so much, bye.

01:38:35.492 --> 01:38:39.371
We are at the infamous La Jolla Playhouse

01:38:40.039 --> 01:38:41.874
in our rehearsal room

01:38:42.625 --> 01:38:43.918
in La Jolla, California.

01:38:46.795 --> 01:38:48.005
First day.

01:38:48.088 --> 01:38:49.381
First day!

01:38:53.552 --> 01:38:56.305
We see this memory here

01:38:57.097 --> 01:38:59.933
and the tractor and the doll
are important to see.

01:39:01.560 --> 01:39:04.813
Our show has also been commissioned
by La Jolla Playhouse.

01:39:05.481 --> 01:39:09.109
We're the first dance piece ever, I think,

01:39:09.193 --> 01:39:11.195
to be a part of the main season,

01:39:11.278 --> 01:39:15.240
and it's just a total dream

01:39:15.324 --> 01:39:17.576
to be able to come here,

01:39:17.660 --> 01:39:19.954
to have a creative process,

01:39:20.037 --> 01:39:22.456
to be able to play

01:39:22.539 --> 01:39:25.292
and fail and learn and grow.

01:39:25.376 --> 01:39:27.920
-Okay, everybody. Yay!
-Have a great show!

01:39:28.003 --> 01:39:29.755
-Oh…
-Ah!

01:39:30.631 --> 01:39:33.384
You just feel so held and supported.

01:40:07.251 --> 01:40:09.086
Yay!

01:40:09.169 --> 01:40:12.923
Having this opportunity
to dream big is incredible.

01:40:13.007 --> 01:40:14.508
That was amazing.

01:40:21.640 --> 01:40:23.517
Whoa!

01:40:29.857 --> 01:40:30.941
Hold it up.

01:40:31.025 --> 01:40:33.485
Whoa!

01:40:34.653 --> 01:40:36.739
They even spelled your name right.

01:40:40.034 --> 01:40:41.744
Is it Thursday yet?

01:40:44.997 --> 01:40:46.498
Is it Thursday yet?

01:40:48.792 --> 01:40:53.005
Is it Thursday yet?
Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?

01:40:56.884 --> 01:40:58.761
When am I gonna be dancing again?

01:41:01.430 --> 01:41:03.265
When Jenn was little,

01:41:04.224 --> 01:41:05.517
dance was on Thursday.

01:41:07.102 --> 01:41:09.146
Even when it was Monday,

01:41:09.229 --> 01:41:11.065
she asked, "Is it Thursday yet?

01:41:11.148 --> 01:41:12.649
-What?
-Over and over.

01:41:16.445 --> 01:41:20.324
I was really saying, "I need it to be
Thursday, and I need dance every day,"

01:41:20.407 --> 01:41:23.076
but I didn't even know
how to express that at that time.

01:41:23.160 --> 01:41:24.828
When am I gonna be dancing again?

01:41:24.912 --> 01:41:27.664
There was this anticipation for Thursday

01:41:27.748 --> 01:41:31.001
because it brought a peace and a release.

01:41:31.835 --> 01:41:33.962
It brought her a profound sense of order.

01:41:34.046 --> 01:41:35.089
Is it Thursday yet?

01:41:35.172 --> 01:41:37.758
And so I just find that so beautiful.

01:41:37.841 --> 01:41:42.513
Is it Thursday yet?
Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?

01:41:46.183 --> 01:41:47.643
What's happening today?

01:41:47.726 --> 01:41:51.522
It's our opening night
at La Jolla Playhouse

01:41:51.605 --> 01:41:53.690
and first time with an audience.

01:41:55.776 --> 01:41:57.152
What are you thinking now?

01:41:57.236 --> 01:41:58.403
I'm just so proud of us

01:41:58.487 --> 01:42:01.156
that I can't believe
three years have gone by.

01:42:01.240 --> 01:42:02.950
-Yeah.
-You know what I mean?

01:42:05.160 --> 01:42:07.162
I think I'll feel more emotional

01:42:08.080 --> 01:42:12.209
after the show when I finally get to see
all the people that I love.

01:42:19.007 --> 01:42:20.926
I also don't know
how many people will be here.

01:42:21.009 --> 01:42:27.432
Twenty, nineteen, eighteen,
seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen,

01:42:27.516 --> 01:42:34.356
thirteen, twelve, eleven,
ten, nine, eight, seven, six…

01:42:34.439 --> 01:42:37.025
This is so crazy. What are we doing?

01:42:37.109 --> 01:42:39.528
…three, two, one.

01:42:57.462 --> 01:43:01.383
As a newly diagnosed autistic person,

01:43:01.466 --> 01:43:05.679
I'm rediscovering myself
and who I am as an artist

01:43:05.762 --> 01:43:09.766
in real time
as the show is coming together.

01:43:10.434 --> 01:43:14.771
I am beyond grateful that there are places
like the PAC and La Jolla Playhouse.

01:43:14.855 --> 01:43:18.859
It says so much
about the risks they're willing to take

01:43:18.942 --> 01:43:22.487
because so much art begins

01:43:22.571 --> 01:43:27.701
in ways that are unusual
or unquantifiable.

01:43:28.911 --> 01:43:30.829
It just feels so big.

01:43:32.331 --> 01:43:34.374
I'm so, so proud of you.

01:43:35.375 --> 01:43:37.419
Thank you. I love you.

01:43:37.502 --> 01:43:38.712
I love you too.

01:44:15.290 --> 01:44:16.917
Good morning, Jenn.

01:44:17.834 --> 01:44:18.961
Let's begin.

01:44:19.044 --> 01:44:21.380
Let's go!

01:44:21.463 --> 01:44:24.841
What did you do?

01:44:24.925 --> 01:44:28.971
Where did feeling go?

01:44:48.282 --> 01:44:49.658
Perfect!

01:44:50.325 --> 01:44:52.286
See everybody when you said "Get up"?

01:44:52.369 --> 01:44:53.954
-They were dancing.
-Yeah, dancing.

01:45:34.036 --> 01:45:36.663
Good job.

01:45:36.747 --> 01:45:37.831
I'm proud of you, hon.

01:45:37.914 --> 01:45:39.708
I love you so much.

01:45:39.791 --> 01:45:41.585
I'm so, so lucky.

01:45:43.170 --> 01:45:46.757
My cup runneth over with gratitude
that you're in my life.

01:45:48.884 --> 01:45:49.718
Oh, my God.

01:45:49.801 --> 01:45:51.845
The three of us
are like that Spider-Man meme.

01:45:51.928 --> 01:45:54.639
You're autistic.
Wait, you're autistic. Wait.

01:45:56.558 --> 01:45:57.934
-Yo!
-I know.

01:45:59.269 --> 01:46:00.604
Oh, fuck!

01:46:00.687 --> 01:46:01.688
All right.

01:46:01.772 --> 01:46:04.858
Alex, we must go. We must pick the look.

01:46:04.941 --> 01:46:07.277
-I'll be back to confirm.
-You're getting kicked out.

01:46:07.361 --> 01:46:09.571
Uh, just yell, I'll be right there.

01:46:09.654 --> 01:46:11.156
-Great.
-Love you, babe.

01:46:11.239 --> 01:46:13.325
-The last time you have to see me.
-Yeah, right.

01:46:14.326 --> 01:46:17.204
-Bye. It's been real.
-Bye. It's been great. Lots of fun.

01:46:21.583 --> 01:46:25.837
When you contacted me about this project,

01:46:25.921 --> 01:46:28.590
you didn't know
that it was gonna turn into

01:46:29.424 --> 01:46:31.301
a piece centered around autism.

01:46:31.802 --> 01:46:32.719
No.

01:46:34.805 --> 01:46:37.057
Would you want to have
an autistic kid again?

01:46:38.225 --> 01:46:39.101
Yeah.

01:46:39.184 --> 01:46:41.520
-You would?
-I would have you again.

01:46:41.603 --> 01:46:43.772
-You would have me again?
-Yeah.

01:46:43.855 --> 01:46:46.942
And it would be nice to have you
with a little more understanding,

01:46:47.025 --> 01:46:50.946
but even without the understanding,
I would do it all over again.

01:46:52.155 --> 01:46:53.281
Hello, love.

01:46:53.365 --> 01:46:54.658
-Hi, Mom.
-Give me a kiss.

01:46:58.245 --> 01:47:02.332
I do have to say that since losing Ray,

01:47:02.415 --> 01:47:03.875
besides Miguel,

01:47:04.501 --> 01:47:07.087
having you guys
to talk to about this type of stuff

01:47:07.170 --> 01:47:14.010
has been something
that's been very, like, special to me.

01:47:14.094 --> 01:47:14.928
Yeah.

01:47:15.011 --> 01:47:19.724
'Cause I don't have that
with anybody else.

01:47:20.767 --> 01:47:22.936
Even if this all ended today,

01:47:23.019 --> 01:47:27.482
like there was no support for the doc,
it didn't move on, I feel like it still…

01:47:27.983 --> 01:47:29.192
Did its job.

01:47:30.110 --> 01:47:32.571
-It saved Jenn's life and your life.
-Yeah.

01:47:32.654 --> 01:47:34.948
That does sound a bit dramatic,

01:47:35.490 --> 01:47:37.033
but it is true for me.

01:47:37.534 --> 01:47:40.287
-To love and life.
-To love and life.

01:47:40.996 --> 01:47:43.165
-There's no going back.
-No.

01:47:43.248 --> 01:47:46.877
There was before the diagnosis,
and there was after.

01:47:46.960 --> 01:47:50.338
-There's BD and AD.
-Yes, totally.

01:47:50.922 --> 01:47:52.465
It's not even like a next chapter.

01:47:52.549 --> 01:47:54.509
-It's like a whole new book.
-Yeah.

01:47:54.593 --> 01:47:56.928
'Cause it keeps on going

01:47:57.012 --> 01:47:59.806
More people are
just piecing their stories together

01:47:59.890 --> 01:48:03.018
and sharing information
and having access to information

01:48:03.101 --> 01:48:06.480
and seeing themselves
in other people's experience,

01:48:06.563 --> 01:48:07.814
not opening a textbook.

01:48:07.898 --> 01:48:08.732
Yeah.

01:48:09.649 --> 01:48:11.276
I've been doing some research

01:48:11.359 --> 01:48:13.987
about movement as therapy
for people with ASD,

01:48:14.070 --> 01:48:18.366
and I'm really excited
for how it's gonna change my teaching.

01:48:18.450 --> 01:48:20.869
Yeah, I have a feeling it will.

01:48:20.952 --> 01:48:24.456
If you share that with people,
it's helping them to also understand

01:48:24.539 --> 01:48:29.377
that they can move it to their art
or their work to help balance themselves.

01:48:29.461 --> 01:48:31.129
I feel like there are many examples

01:48:31.213 --> 01:48:35.926
of people who have existed safely
inside the dance community,

01:48:36.009 --> 01:48:40.263
who otherwise might not have had
such vibrant, peaceful lives.

01:48:41.514 --> 01:48:42.849
I see it in students,

01:48:42.933 --> 01:48:47.103
and it's mostly the students
that I, like, connect really deeply with.

01:48:48.146 --> 01:48:49.564
That's an incredible story.

01:48:49.648 --> 01:48:53.777
The ones who maybe need it
more than they understand.

01:48:56.696 --> 01:48:59.241
It's my pleasure to be
of support and help to you.

01:48:59.324 --> 01:49:03.119
You've been so kind,
so supportive, and so wonderful

01:49:03.203 --> 01:49:05.830
that I can't express how much…

01:49:05.914 --> 01:49:08.500
how special it really has been

01:49:09.125 --> 01:49:11.378
to just-- to me, to Jenn.

01:49:11.461 --> 01:49:13.672
I don't know how else to thank you.

01:49:13.755 --> 01:49:14.631
Oh, Alex.

01:49:14.714 --> 01:49:17.175
But I would like to see you as a patient.

01:49:17.259 --> 01:49:18.885
I'd like to give you some money.

01:49:18.969 --> 01:49:22.889
Well, Alex, you know, sometimes in life,
money is not the thing.

01:49:23.723 --> 01:49:27.227
And as it keeps going

01:49:27.310 --> 01:49:31.356
If there's no need
For the perfect image

01:49:31.940 --> 01:49:38.238
Don't miss it

01:49:39.614 --> 01:49:46.496
Like I did

01:49:46.997 --> 01:49:53.837
Like I did

01:49:53.920 --> 01:49:57.424
Like I did

01:49:57.507 --> 01:49:58.592
It feels like a gift.

01:49:58.675 --> 01:50:01.261
Ooh

01:50:01.344 --> 01:50:03.972
The diagnosis feels like a… a gift.

01:50:04.055 --> 01:50:08.727
Ooh

01:50:08.810 --> 01:50:11.271
It's like…

01:50:12.480 --> 01:50:13.607
Exactly.

01:50:13.690 --> 01:50:15.734
Ooh
tly.