[Gastón] And welcome back
to another episode of Should I Spill the Tea?
We're coming at you live from Bariloche,
outside the luxurious Hotel Luxury,
where the wedding of the year is about to take place.
Caro Pardíaco, influencer extraordinaire,
is tying the knot for her 30th birthday
to the mysterious Leo Papandrea,
a supposed filmmaker that she introduced to the public just a few weeks ago.
Well, Gastón, our team's been camped out all morning long.
CARO PARDÍACO IS GETTING MARRIED
And yet there's been no sign of the event. No displays, no fanfare,
no people, nothing.
So what you're saying is that
despite the fact that today is her very publicized wedday,
Caro Pardíaco is nowhere to be seen.
I guess this is the next big thing.
Throwing yourself a party and not showing up.
Anyways…
CARIZZMA
We are gathered here today with Leo Miriam Papandrea
and Caro Pardíaco,
and their union, under one name,
which is Leoro Papardíaco.
[dramatic whoosh]
[chuckles]
That's a dumb joke I always make to break the ice.
-My dear Caro. -[monks chanting]
From this day forward, you surrender your last name,
your nights out, and your partying,
and instead begin to embrace God into your life.
And Leo, your husband,
is now your household god and deity.
Now, before we continue, I'd like to take a minute
to remark on this absolutely stunning view,
with the mountains and aquamarine--
-[chanting stops] -Are you done yet?
-I'm doing my job here. No rushing. -On with it.
[intriguing music playing]
Fine.
[clears throat]
Anyone here that opposes this holy matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your--
I object!
-We also object to this marriage. -We object to… That. What she said.
-Anybody else opposed? -Fuck yeah!
Ana! What a surprise! So, like, where were you?
Leo tried pushing me out of paradise and into the inferno,
but I landed on a balcony in purgatory.
I love it! So poetic.
Ode to the symbolic architecture of Dante's Palacio Barolo, where I fell.
Oh, Mili works in that building! The wedding planner!
-[sighs] -Okay, so tell me how you lived.
Well, I was breastfed until I was 12, so I'm all calcium.
Stop talking about lactation.
Fine. Then let's start talking about your lies.
Seriously, Ana, tell me how you got here.
Oh, I'm getting there.
Now, like I said, my mom breastfed me till I was 12.
So every morning, I--
Ana, come on! Don't talk about that! Tell us about the investigation.
Okay.
First, I went to see Ramiro,
who gave me the keys to Leo's studio in Chacalermo.
[mysterious music playing]
-[door closes] -Question. Who's Ramiro?
He's the hater. I thought he was trying to kill you,
'cause he was stalking you everywhere,
and he wrote that scary message outside the studio
and tried giving you that creepy doll.
But, in reality, he was giving you a warning.
What? Ramiro?
I mean, what the hell? I mean, just, uh… what the hell? Like…
Okay, this is the third interruption. Let me wrap this up before I forget.
Your life is in danger, and I'm trying to help you.
Oh, okay, sorry. My lips are sealed, okay?
It's super important that I'm not killed.
Now, in Leo's studio, there's a hidden lair.
And in that lair, there's a collection of costumes
and disguises he used to manipulate you.
[mumbles] That's messed up.
[Ana] Remember Chill-aver?
Yeah, she's the DJ who invited us to the Hot Water Silent Rave
and then mysteriously disappeared.
[Caro yells] Ah!
The head of DJ Chill-aver!
[Ana] It's a mask. And that was Leo in disguise.
And he also paid those comedians to publicly insult you.
[laughing]
[Ana] He was the fake inspector who shut down your club,
and worst of all, he's a serial murderer.
What?
You're the reason my club shut down?
I think the important thing is that he's also a serial murderer.
He killed Licha, Betaniel, and Quintín Palma.
Why would you do that?
Closing my club was, like, super unnecessary, you know!
Because of you, I was humiliated.
And you ruined my life.
How? I haven't done anything but love you.
Back up a sec.
Ana, who's Ramiro? And why'd he have Leo's keys?
Yeah, I'm kinda confused about that.
Ramiro's last name is Papandrea.
[both] Same as Leo's!
-What a coincidence! -It's no coincidence. They're brothers.
Actually, they're the Snow Brothers.
One does camerawork, the other's an editor.
[Lila] Snow Brothers?
-Aren't you the guys who… -…recorded our graduation trip?
Yeah! You bastards never sent it!
The reason I never sent it is because you and your dumb friends
completely humiliated me.
They didn't humiliate you, you idiot!
Are those bermudas? Like, slay!
-Totally! Gag-ged! -[Leo] Did you call me an "egghead"?
Oh my God, no! I said I was "gag-ged."
See?
Did you hear that?
She said I was an egghead!
You humiliated me, you ruined my life, and you destroyed my hair.
[Ana] But she didn't say that. Listen again.
I said I was "gag-ged." Totally! Gag-ged!
-Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Stop! -[Caro] Totally! Gag-ged!
-[Leo] Oh, my love, I'd never hurt you. -"Totally! Gag-ged!"
[bellowing] Ah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Misunderstanding.
Forgive me, Caro.
I wanted to take you from your loved ones,
ruin your whole birthday,
destroy your entire identity,
bring you back here, and assassinate you.
But I've fallen for you completely.
And now that I've realized that,
I wanna marry my soulmate.
I love you. Carolina, my love, will you marry me?
-Okay! -Really?
-No, you fucking psychopath! -[snarling]
[all screaming]
[growls]
-Caro! Don't you dare! -Let her go!
-[spluttering] -Be quiet!
[man] Let her go, dumbass!
-[gasps] Dumbass, that was you? -I kept trying to tell you.
She said, "Totally! Gag-ged!"
[Caro grunting]
[sinister music playing]
Back off!
Hey! Where's our grad trip video? We wanted that!
[Leo grunts angrily]
[Lila] Hands off!
[Caro whimpering]
Let go of her, baldy!
You dumbass! You sold me out, huh?
Guess I'm gonna tell poor Ma all about Tatín!
Okay, enough with the "Tatín" thing! He didn't even touch him!
-Bullshit! -Quiet, dumbass.
[yells] Dah!
[groans] Why did you spit on me? Come on!
Just stop it already, all right, Leo?
Stop calling me "Leo"! My name is Lean!
You're going to prison, Lean!
Prison? Prison, huh?
I wonder if maybe "Leo" should go.
The beach guy.
He's sexy.
[moaning sensually] So sexy. Oh! Nick! Nick! Nick!
Or maybe I'll be Cacho! Eh?
But I'm buddies with the cops. So I'll be in-and-out.
Yeah, c'mon, you know police, right, mamacita?
Or Chill-aver. You know, just jammin' with the prisoners.
[imitates club music]
Do you like that trap-tap-funk?
Let's switch it up! Huh? A bit of soft-trump-thumping-pop!
Oh! But I'm a shapeshifter!
This time it's Flavio! Flavio!
Wait. I didn't do that one.
The point is
that all of you fell for the trickery of
the great Lean Miriam Papandrea.
[gasping]
[sinister laughter]
[wheezing, choking]
[weapon clatters]
[choking, gasping for air]
-[bellowing] Oh! -[Caro gasps]
-[thudding] -[screaming] Oh!
[screaming continues]
[lighthearted music playing]
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sábado! I was an idiot!
Come on, let's get out of here.
-[upbeat pop music] -[Caro] Whoo!
[crowd cheering, whooping]
[pop music continues]
[cheering continues]
[lyrics in Spanish]
[woman shrieks]
I love you so much, besties!
This is incredible, babe!
We love you so much, Caro.
Caro, enjoy tonight. This is your life.
Thanks, Ana. You saved my life.
And I wanted to take a moment to apologize.
I should've been trusting you more than I did,
and I fired you without compensation.
No big deal. [chuckles]
[feedback ringing]
Hello!
[feedback rings]
Hello! It's Caro Pardíaco.
And I love my friends, I love this club, I love this music,
and I love my life!
And the most important thing, whether people take you seriously,
or if they make fun of you, or if they take your words out of context,
what matters is…
Agh, sorry, I'm getting emotional.
Aww.
What's important is that you take time to appreciate and love
the person that you are.
And if I saw another Caro Pardíaco come in and come over here,
I'd tell her,
"Caro, you look beautiful tonight."
"You're beautiful. And whatever you do, don't get involved with psychopaths!"
[laughter]
Thank you so much for celebrating with me.
[all whooping, cheering]
That's my bestie!
Whoo!
[lyrics in Spanish continue]
-[woman 1] Happy birthday! -[woman 2] You're the best!
[screams] Oh!
[music fades]
[menacing sounds fade in]
[upbeat pop music resumes]
-[snickering] -[laughing]
[Caro] Cherry soda, okay?
-That's important. -[Ana] Wait.
Wait, no! The…
[both laughing]
[Ana] I'm getting out here.
-I don't know. -[woman] Sorry, it made me laugh.
-That whole day. Music, partying… -All this lore…
Good night.
[Caro] Tomorrow we'll be there!
[Coqui] What an ass.
-Kind of looks like DiCaprio, right? -Yeah.
The hair is really K-pop too.
-The haircut. -Yeah.
[man 1] Come on, guys.
It's all right.
[woman] No, really strong.
It happened to me.
Faces like this…
-All stalking me. -Yeah?
-[Caro] All Migues? -[man 2] No, all Caros.
My name's not Jero. My mom calls me Jero when she's mad.
You're like my mom. This is shit.
I have a dream, Caro.
Dude, what are you doing?
All right, let's continue with the Guillotine.
[Caro] He also gave me love!
You think so? [laughs]
You're so old, aren't you? [laughing]
If I ever had to touch her,
it'd be with a stick. [laughs]
Total Pokémon!
Daddy gave that to you.
[Leo] Caro.
Are you calling yourself stupid?
So you want grapefruit juice and ice cream?
The way he says it is impressive.
Sorry.
You're so pretty.
Caro, trust yourself! You're gonna be all right!
[man] Does anyone else object?
[Ana] I do, damn it!
[quirky electronic music playing]
[music fades] onic music playing]