WEBVTT 00:00:12.095 --> 00:00:15.348 align:center Jesus, enlighten my mind with truth. 00:00:16.641 --> 00:00:18.852 align:center Inflame my heart with love. 00:00:19.936 --> 00:00:22.147 align:center Inspire my will with courage. 00:00:23.356 --> 00:00:25.400 align:center Pardon what I have been. 00:00:26.067 --> 00:00:27.902 align:center Sanctify what I am. 00:00:30.572 --> 00:00:33.241 align:center Okay, here we go, Jesus. 00:00:33.324 --> 00:00:35.035 align:center Make it a good one. 00:00:36.453 --> 00:00:37.996 align:center See you later, babe. 00:00:42.959 --> 00:00:45.837 align:center -I'm glad you could come in today. -Thank you. 00:00:46.337 --> 00:00:49.174 align:center Hank, can I get you some chicken? 00:00:49.841 --> 00:00:52.052 align:center A couple of good pieces there. 00:00:52.135 --> 00:00:54.804 align:center -Is that good? Okay, take care. -All right. 00:00:56.556 --> 00:00:57.766 align:center Hi, Charlie. 00:00:57.849 --> 00:01:00.393 align:center -I need you to look at my asshole. -Charlie. 00:01:00.477 --> 00:01:02.103 align:center I wanna know what it looks like. 00:01:02.687 --> 00:01:03.646 align:center I can't. 00:01:03.730 --> 00:01:04.689 align:center Ah. 00:01:08.485 --> 00:01:09.444 align:center What's that? 00:01:10.028 --> 00:01:11.404 align:center It's a gift. 00:01:11.488 --> 00:01:13.156 align:center Thank you for everything you do. 00:01:13.239 --> 00:01:15.241 align:center Aw, Charlie. 00:01:17.035 --> 00:01:19.120 align:center Okay. Um, thanks. 00:01:19.704 --> 00:01:21.122 align:center Guard it with your life. 00:01:21.206 --> 00:01:24.042 align:center There's only seven of those left in the world. 00:01:24.876 --> 00:01:26.252 align:center Seven batteries? 00:01:26.336 --> 00:01:29.214 align:center Ah, shit! Why you say it so loud? 00:01:29.297 --> 00:01:30.965 align:center -Fuck! -Okay. 00:01:31.049 --> 00:01:33.885 align:center -I'm sorry, Charlie, but thank you. -Yeah. 00:01:33.968 --> 00:01:36.304 align:center -I appreciate it. -Okay. 00:01:36.387 --> 00:01:37.597 align:center Let me, uh… 00:01:42.894 --> 00:01:44.187 align:center Can you smell this rash? 00:01:46.189 --> 00:01:47.607 align:center -Natalie? -Huh. 00:01:47.690 --> 00:01:51.444 align:center Natalie? Oh my God! Someone call an ambulance! 00:01:51.528 --> 00:01:53.780 align:center -I want a hat. -You can't have a hat. 00:01:53.863 --> 00:01:55.532 align:center I'm gonna live in Natalie's house. 00:02:04.666 --> 00:02:07.794 align:center Whoa, nice. 00:02:13.883 --> 00:02:14.968 align:center Hello? 00:02:15.051 --> 00:02:17.846 align:center Hello. Welcome to Heaven. 00:02:17.929 --> 00:02:20.390 align:center You must be Abigail, 00:02:20.473 --> 00:02:23.518 align:center strangled by a meth addict for not giving him a dollar. 00:02:24.561 --> 00:02:28.565 align:center No, um, my name's Natalie. Natalie Wilkinson. 00:02:28.648 --> 00:02:30.316 align:center I think I had a heart attack. 00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:33.069 align:center Oh, okay. 00:02:33.153 --> 00:02:34.988 align:center Natalie Wilkinson. 00:02:35.572 --> 00:02:39.284 align:center Ah, here you are. You're one of his favorites. 00:02:40.451 --> 00:02:41.995 align:center -Baptized. -Yep. 00:02:42.078 --> 00:02:43.288 align:center Catholic school. 00:02:43.371 --> 00:02:45.290 align:center No pre-marital sex. 00:02:45.373 --> 00:02:47.167 align:center -Tough one. -Prayed every night. 00:02:47.250 --> 00:02:49.335 align:center Forgave those who trespassed against you. 00:02:49.419 --> 00:02:50.461 align:center Not my favorite. 00:02:50.545 --> 00:02:52.046 align:center Goodness me. 00:02:52.714 --> 00:02:55.049 align:center You've lived a flawless life, Natalie. 00:02:55.758 --> 00:02:57.260 align:center Well, I've done my utmost 00:02:57.343 --> 00:03:00.638 align:center to walk the winding and divinely lit road to Jesus. 00:03:00.722 --> 00:03:01.973 align:center Mission accomplished. 00:03:02.056 --> 00:03:04.809 align:center Are you ready to meet your Lord and Savior? 00:03:04.893 --> 00:03:07.854 align:center I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. 00:03:07.937 --> 00:03:09.189 align:center Great. 00:03:12.233 --> 00:03:15.403 align:center -Whoa. -Pretty sweet, huh? 00:03:15.486 --> 00:03:17.655 align:center This is pretty sweet. 00:03:18.740 --> 00:03:21.784 align:center I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous. 00:03:22.368 --> 00:03:25.038 align:center Oh, Natalie, there's no need to be nervous. 00:03:25.121 --> 00:03:28.291 align:center Whatever goodness you're imagining, it falls short. 00:03:28.374 --> 00:03:32.253 align:center His mercy is deeper, his smile is warmer, 00:03:32.337 --> 00:03:35.465 align:center and his love is unparalleled. 00:03:42.555 --> 00:03:44.641 align:center Peace be upon you, my child. 00:03:44.724 --> 00:03:46.684 align:center Welcome to my kingdom. 00:03:48.269 --> 00:03:49.687 align:center Uh, who are you? 00:03:49.771 --> 00:03:52.023 align:center Oh, come now, Natalie. 00:03:52.106 --> 00:03:54.609 align:center You of all people know who Jesus is. 00:03:54.692 --> 00:03:56.861 align:center Lamb of God, king of kings. 00:03:57.487 --> 00:03:58.488 align:center Me. 00:03:59.572 --> 00:04:02.867 align:center I mean, yes, of course, I know who Jesus is. 00:04:02.951 --> 00:04:07.121 align:center I have pictures of him all over my house and an air freshener in my Buick. 00:04:07.205 --> 00:04:09.290 align:center But forgive me… 00:04:09.874 --> 00:04:12.210 align:center You don't… you don't look like Jesus. 00:04:13.503 --> 00:04:15.338 align:center You are forgiven. 00:04:15.421 --> 00:04:21.386 align:center Now, my child, I reveal unto you the wonders of my Father's kingdom. 00:04:21.469 --> 00:04:24.722 align:center -Beginning with-- -I mean, you look nothing like him. 00:04:24.806 --> 00:04:26.015 align:center Jesus Christ. 00:04:26.099 --> 00:04:27.976 align:center Nothing like him. 00:04:28.059 --> 00:04:29.769 align:center Yeah, heard you. 00:04:30.395 --> 00:04:31.646 align:center I'm gonna dip out. 00:04:31.729 --> 00:04:35.900 align:center Yes, my child, I am well aware that the way I appear to you now 00:04:35.984 --> 00:04:40.029 align:center is different than how I am portrayed by earthly hands. 00:04:40.113 --> 00:04:43.950 align:center Artists have been very generous, so if it is beauty you seek, 00:04:44.033 --> 00:04:48.705 align:center you are welcome to gaze upon the River of Everlasting Peace. 00:04:49.414 --> 00:04:51.874 align:center Its waters will cleanse you of all your fears-- 00:04:51.958 --> 00:04:53.126 align:center You have a gut, though. 00:04:53.209 --> 00:04:55.294 align:center -Excuse me? -And you're balding. 00:04:55.378 --> 00:04:58.798 align:center Yeah, okay. Yes, a little. 00:04:58.881 --> 00:04:59.966 align:center I'm not "bald" bald. 00:05:00.049 --> 00:05:01.467 align:center Oh, you kind of are. 00:05:01.551 --> 00:05:03.886 align:center What? No. All right. 00:05:03.970 --> 00:05:07.265 align:center Uh, my… child, 00:05:07.348 --> 00:05:09.392 align:center if it is flowing locks you desire, 00:05:09.475 --> 00:05:13.563 align:center please spend eternity amongst the forests of weeping willows-- 00:05:13.646 --> 00:05:14.897 align:center I can't do this. 00:05:14.981 --> 00:05:17.442 align:center Do what, huh? Heaven? 00:05:17.525 --> 00:05:21.237 align:center Can't you just snap your fingers and be, like, super hot? 00:05:21.320 --> 00:05:22.947 align:center No, it doesn't work that way. 00:05:23.031 --> 00:05:24.824 align:center Well, can you ask your dad? 00:05:24.907 --> 00:05:27.368 align:center No, I can't ask my dad. Why don't you ask him? 00:05:27.952 --> 00:05:28.870 align:center What are you eating? 00:05:28.953 --> 00:05:31.789 align:center -I don't know, like, bread and wine. -For every meal? 00:05:31.873 --> 00:05:33.958 align:center I have a lot of prosciutto too. 00:05:34.042 --> 00:05:36.502 align:center It's a really good combo, actually. 00:05:36.586 --> 00:05:39.047 align:center -This is heartbreaking. -You wanna see heartbreaking? 00:05:39.130 --> 00:05:42.925 align:center There's a couple heads in a trash can in New Orleans right now, all right? 00:05:43.009 --> 00:05:43.926 align:center Jesus Christ. 00:05:44.010 --> 00:05:46.888 align:center -Yes? -Um, I didn't mean it like that. 00:05:46.971 --> 00:05:48.931 align:center -How did you mean it? -I just… 00:05:49.015 --> 00:05:52.894 align:center In every picture I've seen of Jesus since I was a child, 00:05:52.977 --> 00:05:55.229 align:center he has long flowing hair, 00:05:55.313 --> 00:05:56.814 align:center a chiseled jaw, 00:05:56.898 --> 00:05:59.150 align:center perfect olive skin, the bulge. 00:05:59.233 --> 00:06:03.613 align:center -I don't know what you were expecting-- -I was expecting hot, sexy Jesus. 00:06:03.696 --> 00:06:07.325 align:center You know, you can't post thousands of smoldering selfies 00:06:07.408 --> 00:06:10.620 align:center and then show up to a date looking like… 00:06:11.913 --> 00:06:16.125 align:center I've been catfished. I've been catfished by Jesus. 00:06:16.209 --> 00:06:18.211 align:center Okay, we're not dating, so… 00:06:18.294 --> 00:06:19.587 align:center Yeah, we kinda were. 00:06:19.670 --> 00:06:22.006 align:center I committed my life to you. 00:06:22.090 --> 00:06:23.716 align:center I took a vow, bro. 00:06:23.800 --> 00:06:25.843 align:center This is so fucked. 00:06:25.927 --> 00:06:28.805 align:center Do you know how many Puerto Rican guys I could've slept with? 00:06:28.888 --> 00:06:29.972 align:center Seventeen. 00:06:30.640 --> 00:06:32.683 align:center Really? 00:06:32.767 --> 00:06:34.268 align:center This sucks. 00:06:34.352 --> 00:06:37.063 align:center Also, I think your toe's infected. 00:06:37.730 --> 00:06:39.732 align:center -Yeah. -You're hideous. 00:06:39.816 --> 00:06:41.192 align:center I thought it would go away. 00:06:42.318 --> 00:06:44.946 align:center Um, I can't do this anymore. 00:06:45.029 --> 00:06:46.239 align:center You know I have feelings. 00:06:46.322 --> 00:06:47.782 align:center I-I-- I'm here. 00:06:48.699 --> 00:06:51.536 align:center -What? Where are you going? -I don't know, I don't care. 00:06:51.619 --> 00:06:54.122 align:center Oh, you don't? Okay. 00:06:57.959 --> 00:06:58.918 align:center Jerk. 00:07:12.890 --> 00:07:14.684 align:center Greetings, Natalie. 00:07:14.767 --> 00:07:18.229 align:center Prepare to spend eternity as our little sex offering. 00:07:25.570 --> 00:07:26.404 align:center Great. 00:07:26.487 --> 00:07:27.655 align:center Where do I sign? 00:07:27.738 --> 00:07:29.323 align:center Excuse me? 00:07:29.407 --> 00:07:32.243 align:center It sounds good to me, and I'm-- Let's-- let's go. 00:07:33.286 --> 00:07:34.745 align:center You know you in hell, right? 00:07:34.829 --> 00:07:35.830 align:center Yes. 00:07:35.913 --> 00:07:38.374 align:center Are any of you guys Puerto Rican? 00:07:38.457 --> 00:07:40.376 align:center I feel uncomfortable. 00:07:53.389 --> 00:07:55.892 align:center Oh my God. 00:07:56.476 --> 00:07:59.729 align:center I'm gonna change the air filters, honey. 00:07:59.812 --> 00:08:01.147 align:center Shh! 00:08:01.230 --> 00:08:02.440 align:center What's going on? 00:08:03.107 --> 00:08:05.276 align:center He's watching pornos. 00:08:05.359 --> 00:08:08.988 align:center Oh wow. Yeah, he is. 00:08:11.282 --> 00:08:12.950 align:center This is bad, Harold. 00:08:13.451 --> 00:08:16.329 align:center Baby, we're mammals. This is just how we operate. 00:08:16.412 --> 00:08:18.498 align:center Plus, he probably doesn't even know what he's watching. 00:08:18.581 --> 00:08:20.666 align:center We need to talk to him about this. 00:08:20.750 --> 00:08:22.752 align:center Yeah, and we will. 00:08:22.835 --> 00:08:25.630 align:center I think we should probably let him finish first. 00:08:25.713 --> 00:08:27.423 align:center Are you kidding me right now? 00:08:27.507 --> 00:08:30.927 align:center Baby, once it gets going, if you just cut it off, it aches. 00:08:31.010 --> 00:08:32.929 align:center And it hurts. 00:08:33.930 --> 00:08:36.599 align:center Honey, we need to talk. 00:08:37.475 --> 00:08:39.268 align:center Oh God. 00:08:43.648 --> 00:08:45.358 align:center Can I have a cream soda? 00:08:46.526 --> 00:08:50.071 align:center Uh, no. We need to talk first, buddy. 00:08:50.154 --> 00:08:51.697 align:center Your mother's worried. 00:08:53.324 --> 00:08:56.118 align:center We're worried about what you're doing in here. 00:08:56.202 --> 00:08:57.620 align:center You mean jacking off? 00:09:00.039 --> 00:09:01.624 align:center Yeah. 00:09:03.834 --> 00:09:05.169 align:center Waxing your carrot. 00:09:05.836 --> 00:09:09.465 align:center Stroking it, cranking it, rubbing it, tugging it. 00:09:10.424 --> 00:09:14.136 align:center -Masturbating. -Yeah, I-I know about that stuff. 00:09:14.220 --> 00:09:17.431 align:center Honey, we're worried you don't understand what you're watching. 00:09:17.515 --> 00:09:20.434 align:center -That's right. -I wasn't watching anything, Mom. 00:09:20.518 --> 00:09:22.436 align:center Buddy, it's fine. We're both men. 00:09:22.520 --> 00:09:24.939 align:center We understand that we have that hum until you release. 00:09:25.022 --> 00:09:27.149 align:center -You don't have to be embarrassed. -That's enough. 00:09:27.233 --> 00:09:31.404 align:center -Sorry. -I wasn't watching any porn. 00:09:32.196 --> 00:09:33.114 align:center Okay. 00:09:33.698 --> 00:09:35.032 align:center I was making it. 00:09:36.993 --> 00:09:41.747 align:center -What? -I was masturbating on camera. 00:09:42.957 --> 00:09:44.125 align:center Holy shit. 00:09:44.208 --> 00:09:45.710 align:center On camera? 00:09:45.793 --> 00:09:47.295 align:center I'm gonna-- I'm gonna be sick. 00:09:47.378 --> 00:09:49.463 align:center The camera I got you from Best Buy? 00:09:49.547 --> 00:09:51.632 align:center What if Our Special Journey finds out? 00:09:51.716 --> 00:09:54.427 align:center -Oh my God. -We'll have to deactivate the Instagram. 00:09:54.510 --> 00:09:57.805 align:center Toby, you're gonna knock this off right now. 00:09:57.888 --> 00:10:01.809 align:center -But they love it. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell is "they"? 00:10:03.311 --> 00:10:04.520 align:center My fans. 00:10:04.603 --> 00:10:07.940 align:center -They are exploiting you. -Oh, son… 00:10:08.024 --> 00:10:10.818 align:center -I don't really think so. -Toby. 00:10:10.901 --> 00:10:11.777 align:center Oh my God. 00:10:11.861 --> 00:10:13.487 align:center -You're a good kid, okay? -Yeah. 00:10:13.571 --> 00:10:16.699 align:center Yeah, good kids don't jack off on camera. And I'll tell you one thing. 00:10:16.782 --> 00:10:19.827 align:center We are cutting down cream soda until you straighten this shit out. 00:10:19.910 --> 00:10:23.247 align:center I'm not an idiot, Dad. 00:10:25.249 --> 00:10:27.627 align:center Check this shit out. 00:10:27.710 --> 00:10:32.089 align:center Subscribers can watch two times a day, three times on Saturdays. 00:10:32.173 --> 00:10:35.468 align:center -When you're playing golf, Dad. -Subscribers? 00:10:36.052 --> 00:10:37.428 align:center What is he talking about, Harold? 00:10:41.182 --> 00:10:43.351 align:center Do you want to see the office? 00:10:43.934 --> 00:10:44.935 align:center The what? 00:10:48.981 --> 00:10:50.232 align:center "Tobystrong"? 00:10:50.316 --> 00:10:51.859 align:center You rented an office. 00:10:52.401 --> 00:10:55.821 align:center -No, it made more sense to buy. -Sorry, excuse me. Sorry, sir. 00:10:55.905 --> 00:10:59.075 align:center Sir, you have a Zoom with the Taiwanese investors in five. 00:10:59.158 --> 00:11:01.327 align:center I'll take it in my office, dear. Cream soda, please. 00:11:01.410 --> 00:11:03.287 align:center Double bubble. 00:11:03.371 --> 00:11:06.832 align:center That was my assistant, Ruby. She's a good kid. 00:11:09.293 --> 00:11:11.337 align:center I don't understand what's happening. 00:11:11.420 --> 00:11:13.255 align:center New stickers came in. 00:11:13.339 --> 00:11:14.924 align:center -Sick, bro! -'Sup, dude! 00:11:15.007 --> 00:11:15.883 align:center Yeah, boss. 00:11:15.966 --> 00:11:17.968 align:center You're looking good, bro. 00:11:19.720 --> 00:11:22.139 align:center -Hey, little buddy. -What's up, my man? 00:11:23.057 --> 00:11:24.350 align:center He's got merch. 00:11:25.101 --> 00:11:28.145 align:center Honey, how many subscribers did you say you had? 00:11:28.229 --> 00:11:30.189 align:center Two thousand, five hundred. 00:11:30.773 --> 00:11:32.024 align:center And how much do they pay? 00:11:32.108 --> 00:11:34.318 align:center Thirty dollars a month. 00:11:35.694 --> 00:11:38.155 align:center You're making almost a million dollars a year? 00:11:38.239 --> 00:11:40.741 align:center Well, that's just with the subscribers. 00:11:40.825 --> 00:11:44.620 align:center There are the brand deals and the Liquid Death collab. 00:11:45.204 --> 00:11:48.082 align:center Honey, there's a lot of things we could use that money for. 00:11:48.165 --> 00:11:48.999 align:center Yes. 00:11:49.083 --> 00:11:52.378 align:center Like that time you bought a hot tub after using me for that GoFundMe? 00:11:52.461 --> 00:11:54.755 align:center -Hey, you can use that hot tub, buddy. -Yeah. 00:11:54.839 --> 00:11:58.008 align:center You had me make so many videos for Instagram. 00:11:58.092 --> 00:11:59.218 align:center You're very bad parents. 00:11:59.301 --> 00:12:02.513 align:center Toby, we only shared your story to inspire others. 00:12:02.596 --> 00:12:03.973 align:center -Yes, exactly. -Yeah. 00:12:04.056 --> 00:12:06.475 align:center Really, Mom? That's why you made me say, 00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:10.730 align:center "Aerosmith, all I want for Christmas is to get backstage with you"? 00:12:10.813 --> 00:12:14.024 align:center -I don't even know who Aerosmith is. -You're terrible people. 00:12:14.108 --> 00:12:17.903 align:center -Your mother's obsessed with Steven Tyler. -I like how old he looks. 00:12:17.987 --> 00:12:19.071 align:center That's weird, Mom. 00:12:19.155 --> 00:12:20.156 align:center Just old? 00:12:20.239 --> 00:12:23.033 align:center Yeah, he's old, and he's-- he's hot about it. I don't know. 00:12:23.117 --> 00:12:27.496 align:center Dad, you made me send John Cena over a hundred messages on TikTok. 00:12:27.580 --> 00:12:28.747 align:center John Cena again? 00:12:28.831 --> 00:12:30.082 align:center Well, I… 00:12:30.166 --> 00:12:33.043 align:center That's… that's for you, pal. I know you're a big fan. 00:12:33.127 --> 00:12:34.211 align:center John Cena sucks. 00:12:34.962 --> 00:12:36.297 align:center -Really? -Hell yeah. 00:12:36.380 --> 00:12:38.340 align:center -14-time champ? -I don't like John Cena. 00:12:38.424 --> 00:12:39.842 align:center -National hero? -Yeah. 00:12:39.925 --> 00:12:42.678 align:center -Say that shit with your chest, man. -Bring it on. 00:12:42.762 --> 00:12:44.472 align:center -I bet he'd kick your-- -Let it go. 00:12:44.555 --> 00:12:46.182 align:center Cool it. Let's cool it down, bro. 00:12:46.265 --> 00:12:50.644 align:center You both used me as a prop to get what you wanted. 00:12:51.812 --> 00:12:53.814 align:center You like free crap. 00:12:54.648 --> 00:12:56.734 align:center Caregiving is exhausting. 00:12:59.278 --> 00:13:00.988 align:center You really wanna talk shit about John Cena? 00:13:01.572 --> 00:13:03.199 align:center You don't scare me. 00:13:03.282 --> 00:13:05.826 align:center Honey, just calm down. Take a deep breath, okay? 00:13:05.910 --> 00:13:06.994 align:center I am calm. 00:13:07.578 --> 00:13:10.456 align:center You never saved or took any responsibility. 00:13:10.539 --> 00:13:12.791 align:center You leaned on me like a crutch. 00:13:13.292 --> 00:13:15.419 align:center And I'm just going to say it. 00:13:15.503 --> 00:13:18.881 align:center You both have been acting a bit… 00:13:20.216 --> 00:13:21.550 align:center Retarded. 00:13:24.011 --> 00:13:25.513 align:center -What--? -Whoa. 00:13:26.305 --> 00:13:29.975 align:center I was going to say financially irresponsible. 00:13:30.059 --> 00:13:31.685 align:center Mom and Dad… 00:13:31.769 --> 00:13:34.313 align:center Whoa. What the hell's going on here? 00:13:34.396 --> 00:13:35.272 align:center Yeah, what? 00:13:35.356 --> 00:13:37.650 align:center …it is time for a change. 00:13:38.692 --> 00:13:40.361 align:center -A change? -Yeah. 00:13:40.444 --> 00:13:43.614 align:center -I have frozen the GoFundMe, Instagram… -What? 00:13:43.697 --> 00:13:45.157 align:center All the accounts. 00:13:45.241 --> 00:13:48.118 align:center -We can't be on our own. -Yeah. We can't afford rent. 00:13:48.202 --> 00:13:50.996 align:center I was tired of being inspiration porn. 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:54.500 align:center So I turned to real porn. 00:13:55.584 --> 00:14:00.965 align:center And as it turns out, I'm pretty good at it. 00:14:02.174 --> 00:14:04.802 align:center Sir, the investors are on the Zoom. 00:14:04.885 --> 00:14:06.387 align:center -Wha-- Honey! -Buddy. 00:14:06.470 --> 00:14:09.431 align:center -You should be ashamed of yourself. -Toby… Toby, honey, come on. 00:14:09.515 --> 00:14:11.976 align:center -We can work here. -Yeah, we can jack off. 00:14:12.059 --> 00:14:15.104 align:center Yeah, let's collab. Let's collab on something. 00:14:15.187 --> 00:14:17.189 align:center A father-son video, wouldn't that be neat? 00:14:17.273 --> 00:14:20.776 align:center Hello! Who's ready? 00:14:20.860 --> 00:14:22.862 align:center All set to go! 00:14:24.530 --> 00:14:26.365 align:center Let's get to work, gentlemen. 00:14:33.163 --> 00:14:35.624 align:center -That can't be our Uber. -I don't know. 00:14:35.708 --> 00:14:38.502 align:center I mean, it said it was pulling up, the dude drove around the block twice, 00:14:38.586 --> 00:14:41.130 align:center and now this car is here. 00:14:44.800 --> 00:14:45.634 align:center For Jefri? 00:14:46.385 --> 00:14:47.887 align:center Um, Jeffrey? 00:14:48.804 --> 00:14:50.931 align:center Oh no, sorry. Mine say Jefri. Sorry. 00:14:51.015 --> 00:14:53.183 align:center No, no, excuse me. Yes, that's him. 00:14:53.267 --> 00:14:55.603 align:center There's no one else here, and we're running late. Let's go. 00:14:55.686 --> 00:14:59.356 align:center -Okay. -Dale. Okay. Come, please. Come inside. 00:15:00.149 --> 00:15:02.234 align:center -You like mints? -Did he say "mints"? 00:15:02.318 --> 00:15:04.236 align:center Just get in the van, Jeffrey. 00:15:04.945 --> 00:15:05.988 align:center All right. 00:15:06.071 --> 00:15:10.284 align:center -Um, let's go, please. Ándale? -You don't need to say ándale. 00:15:10.367 --> 00:15:13.203 align:center Well, the reception starts in 15 minutes, so, I mean… 00:15:13.287 --> 00:15:14.371 align:center Drive, please. 00:15:14.455 --> 00:15:19.835 align:center Sí. Okay, señora. I promise. I get you where you need to go very fast. 00:15:21.337 --> 00:15:23.756 align:center I bet he will! 00:15:25.090 --> 00:15:26.759 align:center My love. Calm down. 00:15:26.842 --> 00:15:29.136 align:center Calm down? Me? Are you talking to me?! 00:15:29.219 --> 00:15:31.472 align:center -Did you order an Uber pool? -No. 00:15:33.474 --> 00:15:35.768 align:center No, I didn't order an Uber pool. This is an Uber X. 00:15:35.851 --> 00:15:38.979 align:center -Love. -I'm fed up with your bullshit. 00:15:39.063 --> 00:15:42.191 align:center Okay, go with those assholes, because you don't love me. 00:15:42.274 --> 00:15:44.777 align:center -Assholes? -These are my clients, not assholes. 00:15:44.860 --> 00:15:46.362 align:center This is my business. 00:15:46.445 --> 00:15:47.321 align:center It was us. 00:15:47.404 --> 00:15:51.784 align:center You know, you left this morning without coffee, nothing to eat, 00:15:51.867 --> 00:15:53.661 align:center no sex, not even a kiss. 00:15:53.744 --> 00:15:55.412 align:center Oh, no. No. 00:15:55.496 --> 00:15:57.122 align:center I didn't give you anything? 00:15:57.206 --> 00:15:59.917 align:center I see. He is dating her. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.877 align:center -Yeah. No shit. -Baby wants a titty. 00:16:01.961 --> 00:16:04.588 align:center -Do you want a titty? -I deserve an apology. 00:16:04.672 --> 00:16:06.882 align:center -An apology? -Hi, sorry. 00:16:06.966 --> 00:16:08.592 align:center We just really, really need to go. 00:16:08.676 --> 00:16:11.637 align:center It's my sister's rehearsal dinner, and we're already late. 00:16:11.720 --> 00:16:13.889 align:center Comprende? Uh, emergencia. 00:16:13.973 --> 00:16:16.016 align:center Babe, I think he speaks English pretty well. 00:16:16.100 --> 00:16:18.686 align:center -It's a lot. -Well, it's not getting through to him. 00:16:18.769 --> 00:16:22.189 align:center -Okay, fine. We can go. -Gracias. 00:16:22.272 --> 00:16:23.607 align:center We are not going anywhere. 00:16:23.691 --> 00:16:24.858 align:center We cannot go. 00:16:24.942 --> 00:16:26.735 align:center Fuck! Order another Uber. 00:16:26.819 --> 00:16:28.362 align:center Yeah, that's probably for the best. 00:16:28.445 --> 00:16:30.364 align:center We will begin the drive in a moment. 00:16:30.447 --> 00:16:34.034 align:center Please, enjoy the water, mints, and the phone charger. 00:16:34.118 --> 00:16:34.952 align:center Cool, mints. 00:16:35.035 --> 00:16:37.830 align:center -Jeffrey, I don't give a shit about mints. -It's a bunch. 00:16:37.913 --> 00:16:40.165 align:center Nobody gives one shit about those mints. 00:16:40.249 --> 00:16:43.377 align:center -Everybody likes the mints. -No, you needs the mints! 00:16:43.460 --> 00:16:45.462 align:center -Read the reviews! -They're from Costco. 00:16:45.546 --> 00:16:47.506 align:center -Sí, son de Costco. -Nobody wants-- Fuck you. 00:16:47.589 --> 00:16:50.634 align:center -From Costco, Miami. -Fuck your mints! 00:16:50.718 --> 00:16:52.928 align:center I said order another car. 00:16:53.012 --> 00:16:55.514 align:center -Hello. -I did, but it's 40 minutes away. 00:16:55.597 --> 00:16:57.182 align:center -God. -I have to work. 00:16:57.266 --> 00:16:58.642 align:center What happened to night school? 00:16:58.726 --> 00:17:00.811 align:center -I will be a pilot. -You're not cool! 00:17:00.894 --> 00:17:01.937 align:center I think it's fine. 00:17:02.021 --> 00:17:04.606 align:center I actually think that they're working it out right now. 00:17:04.690 --> 00:17:06.608 align:center No, you're fucking crazy. 00:17:06.692 --> 00:17:10.195 align:center All the days, every day, you wake up in a crazy mood! 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:12.823 align:center -Damn it! Bastard! -One moment. 00:17:12.906 --> 00:17:15.159 align:center No, you do the same shit every day! 00:17:15.242 --> 00:17:17.244 align:center You wake up a crazier woman! 00:17:17.327 --> 00:17:19.371 align:center -I'm not crazy! -You treat the dog better. 00:17:19.455 --> 00:17:20.956 align:center You drive Uber! 00:17:21.040 --> 00:17:22.332 align:center -Ooh, my minivan! -Yep. 00:17:22.416 --> 00:17:24.543 align:center -How pretty, my minivan! -Uber pays. 00:17:24.626 --> 00:17:26.170 align:center The minivan is shit! 00:17:30.632 --> 00:17:33.218 align:center You know God is watching you right now, no? 00:17:33.302 --> 00:17:34.720 align:center Look up. 00:17:34.803 --> 00:17:37.973 align:center There he is. 00:17:39.391 --> 00:17:43.103 align:center And he is saying, "What can we do to give a heart to Catalina?" 00:17:43.187 --> 00:17:45.105 align:center "To make her a good person?" 00:17:45.647 --> 00:17:47.900 align:center To touch the huevos of her man? 00:17:48.484 --> 00:17:50.360 align:center She doesn't touch her man's pee-pee. 00:17:50.444 --> 00:17:53.238 align:center Sir, if we could perhaps get moving, that would-- 00:17:53.322 --> 00:17:54.490 align:center Shh. 00:17:55.282 --> 00:17:56.450 align:center Sorry. 00:17:56.533 --> 00:17:57.618 align:center -What is that? -Nothing. 00:17:57.701 --> 00:17:59.661 align:center -Not nothing. Is something. -No, nothing. 00:17:59.745 --> 00:18:02.122 align:center -No, I see something. Yes. -No, it's nothing. 00:18:02.206 --> 00:18:05.709 align:center -Yes, that is something. -No, eat shit! 00:18:05.793 --> 00:18:07.669 align:center You're not gonna leave me alone! 00:18:07.753 --> 00:18:10.547 align:center Ay, eat shit! A little tickle for you too! 00:18:11.131 --> 00:18:13.091 align:center -What are they doing? -Stop it! 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:15.719 align:center I think they're tickling each other? 00:18:18.097 --> 00:18:20.349 align:center Oh my God. 00:18:21.642 --> 00:18:23.018 align:center Your mother's cunt. 00:18:23.602 --> 00:18:25.104 align:center You liked that? 00:18:26.480 --> 00:18:27.898 align:center You're in deep shit. 00:18:33.695 --> 00:18:35.405 align:center That's enough! That's enough! 00:18:37.491 --> 00:18:39.368 align:center No, no, no! 00:18:39.993 --> 00:18:41.620 align:center -Fuck! -Oh my fucking God! 00:18:41.703 --> 00:18:44.957 align:center You fucking bitch! Like that? 00:18:45.040 --> 00:18:47.876 align:center -We're walking. Get out of the car. -It's like 12 miles away. 00:18:47.960 --> 00:18:50.129 align:center Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:18:50.212 --> 00:18:52.005 align:center Give me those! 00:18:52.089 --> 00:18:54.591 align:center -Let it go! -Balls are mine! 00:18:54.633 --> 00:18:56.760 align:center -We're child locked. -Could you unlock us? 00:18:56.844 --> 00:18:58.762 align:center Jesus. 00:18:59.805 --> 00:19:02.182 align:center Oh, yes? You want more? 00:19:02.266 --> 00:19:03.100 align:center Come here! 00:19:03.183 --> 00:19:04.601 align:center Eat! 00:19:07.104 --> 00:19:10.816 align:center I am your queen! 00:19:16.071 --> 00:19:17.281 align:center Daughter of a bitch! 00:19:17.364 --> 00:19:19.783 align:center You want this papaya? 00:19:19.867 --> 00:19:22.744 align:center Kiss me. 00:19:37.676 --> 00:19:40.345 align:center Oh my God. Stop crying, you coward. 00:19:40.429 --> 00:19:42.931 align:center I'm not crying 'cause I'm a coward. 00:19:44.683 --> 00:19:46.810 align:center I'm crying 'cause it's beautiful. 00:19:47.477 --> 00:19:48.437 align:center What? 00:19:48.520 --> 00:19:52.649 align:center What you guys have… it's great. 00:19:53.734 --> 00:19:55.444 align:center You listen to each other. 00:19:55.527 --> 00:19:57.237 align:center You're vulnerable. 00:19:57.863 --> 00:19:58.947 align:center I want that. 00:19:59.031 --> 00:20:00.782 align:center Yeah, you deserve that. 00:20:00.866 --> 00:20:01.742 align:center Yeah. 00:20:01.825 --> 00:20:03.410 align:center You know what you need? 00:20:04.203 --> 00:20:05.537 align:center A Latina. 00:20:05.621 --> 00:20:06.496 align:center Excuse me? 00:20:06.580 --> 00:20:08.415 align:center We are definitely better than that. 00:20:08.498 --> 00:20:11.168 align:center She's never tickled me, never. 00:20:11.793 --> 00:20:14.379 align:center -And she makes me dress like this. -You look nice. 00:20:14.463 --> 00:20:15.547 align:center I look fucking stupid. 00:20:15.631 --> 00:20:17.049 align:center Yeah, you look very stupid. 00:20:17.132 --> 00:20:18.050 align:center I know! 00:20:18.133 --> 00:20:21.303 align:center Anyway, I'm going to fuck her now. 00:20:21.386 --> 00:20:22.679 align:center Of course, of course. 00:20:25.015 --> 00:20:26.350 align:center Can I watch? 00:20:31.647 --> 00:20:33.982 align:center Goddamn it.