WEBVTT 00:00:18.643 --> 00:00:20.270 align:center -First team's walking. -Copy that. 00:00:20.353 --> 00:00:21.229 align:center Tom, hey. 00:00:21.312 --> 00:00:22.313 align:center -Hey. -How you doing? 00:00:22.397 --> 00:00:23.648 align:center -Good. -Find the place okay? 00:00:23.732 --> 00:00:25.734 align:center Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a maze, but yeah. 00:00:25.817 --> 00:00:27.193 align:center Yeah, they don't make it easy. 00:00:27.277 --> 00:00:29.738 align:center -Such a big fan of your work. -Oh, thanks, man. 00:00:29.821 --> 00:00:30.989 align:center You still do stand-up? 00:00:31.072 --> 00:00:32.449 align:center -Yeah. -Really? 00:00:32.532 --> 00:00:33.616 align:center Tom! 00:00:34.242 --> 00:00:37.287 align:center -Hey. Hi. -There he is. 00:00:37.370 --> 00:00:39.789 align:center -Oh, come here. It's so good to see you. -Oh! All right. 00:00:39.873 --> 00:00:41.499 align:center You feeling all right? Ready to go? 00:00:41.583 --> 00:00:43.543 align:center -Yeah, I think so. Yeah. -Okay. 00:00:43.626 --> 00:00:46.004 align:center I am so sorry about the last-minute schedule changes. 00:00:46.087 --> 00:00:48.173 align:center I know it's a lot to start with the sex scene. 00:00:48.256 --> 00:00:50.592 align:center They're always a little weird, but you've done it before, so… 00:00:50.675 --> 00:00:53.928 align:center I haven't. This is, uh, this is my first one. 00:00:54.012 --> 00:00:54.929 align:center -Really? -Yeah. 00:00:55.013 --> 00:00:56.765 align:center -Tom. -This is Celeste. 00:00:56.848 --> 00:01:00.018 align:center -Oh, wow. So nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too. 00:01:00.101 --> 00:01:02.645 align:center -This is Tom's first ever sex scene. -Oh! 00:01:02.729 --> 00:01:04.189 align:center -Barbara just landed. -Oh, fantastic. 00:01:04.272 --> 00:01:05.523 align:center Well, you know, 00:01:05.607 --> 00:01:08.068 align:center you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. 00:01:08.151 --> 00:01:09.402 align:center Oh, I'm down for anything. 00:01:09.486 --> 00:01:11.654 align:center I just wanna make sure that you're comfortable. 00:01:11.738 --> 00:01:12.906 align:center Uh, excuse me. 00:01:12.989 --> 00:01:16.701 align:center Everybody, if I could have your attention before we get started on rehearsal. 00:01:16.785 --> 00:01:19.913 align:center I'd like to introduce our intimacy coordinator, Barbara. 00:01:24.667 --> 00:01:27.378 align:center Who's ready to bring this picture to life? 00:01:29.964 --> 00:01:31.257 align:center Tom, this is Barbara. 00:01:31.341 --> 00:01:34.552 align:center She's here to make sure that everybody feels safe and comfortable. 00:01:34.636 --> 00:01:37.013 align:center -Ready for first scene. -Rehearsal's up. 00:01:37.097 --> 00:01:38.681 align:center Everyone, rehearsal's up. 00:01:38.765 --> 00:01:41.518 align:center I just wanted to say, uh, I'm grateful you're here. 00:01:41.601 --> 00:01:44.729 align:center I've never done a scene like this, so just, thank you. 00:01:46.314 --> 00:01:47.524 align:center Where did you train? 00:01:48.107 --> 00:01:53.029 align:center Uh, not like a professional, you know, school or anything like that, 00:01:53.113 --> 00:01:54.697 align:center but I come from stand-up comedy and I-- 00:01:54.781 --> 00:01:57.659 align:center Oh, oh. 00:01:57.742 --> 00:01:59.786 align:center A lot of perverts in your industry. 00:02:00.620 --> 00:02:04.040 align:center -Mm-hmm. -Uh, there's a few bad eggs, yeah. 00:02:04.124 --> 00:02:07.127 align:center I don't know you at all. 00:02:07.210 --> 00:02:11.589 align:center I don't trust you, and I go by my gut. 00:02:11.673 --> 00:02:14.592 align:center I feel like you're coming at me like I've done something wrong. 00:02:14.676 --> 00:02:19.889 align:center Yeah. Well, there's absolutely no funny business on my set. 00:02:19.973 --> 00:02:23.059 align:center I got my eyes on you, okay? 00:02:23.143 --> 00:02:24.144 align:center Okay. 00:02:30.358 --> 00:02:33.319 align:center Guys! 00:02:33.403 --> 00:02:35.196 align:center …me up? Okay. 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:36.865 align:center -Here we go. -Settle in. 00:02:36.948 --> 00:02:39.617 align:center -Rehearsal's up. -Everybody, let's clear. 00:02:41.911 --> 00:02:44.038 align:center Ready, and action. 00:02:44.122 --> 00:02:46.916 align:center Goddamn it. 00:02:47.667 --> 00:02:48.918 align:center I am such a fool. 00:02:49.586 --> 00:02:52.463 align:center Why did we even come to the Amalfi Coast? 00:02:52.964 --> 00:02:55.425 align:center There was never any treasure here. 00:02:56.843 --> 00:03:00.305 align:center Vera, the only treasure I need is right in front of me. 00:03:03.433 --> 00:03:04.267 align:center And it says we kiss? 00:03:04.350 --> 00:03:06.811 align:center Stop! 00:03:06.895 --> 00:03:08.855 align:center Stop! 00:03:10.148 --> 00:03:12.191 align:center -Michael? -No, I'm sorry, I-I-- 00:03:12.275 --> 00:03:14.152 align:center This is a symphony. 00:03:14.235 --> 00:03:20.742 align:center It is harmonies, rhythms, fortes, pianissimos, 00:03:20.825 --> 00:03:24.495 align:center and I am the conductor. 00:03:24.579 --> 00:03:28.499 align:center I-I asked-- I asked if I should kiss. I didn't do anything. 00:03:28.583 --> 00:03:30.209 align:center You know what? Why don't we… 00:03:30.293 --> 00:03:32.629 align:center -Let's move to the next part of the scene. -Uh-huh. 00:03:32.712 --> 00:03:34.214 align:center The bed. Go to the bed scene? 00:03:34.297 --> 00:03:35.715 align:center -Bed scene's up. -Yeah. 00:03:35.798 --> 00:03:40.470 align:center Look, do you think we can get a different intimacy coordinator? 00:03:40.553 --> 00:03:41.971 align:center A different…? 00:03:42.055 --> 00:03:44.766 align:center Tom, she's the best in the world. 00:03:44.849 --> 00:03:47.018 align:center No one makes actors feel more comfortable. 00:03:49.979 --> 00:03:51.689 align:center All right, now, it's really romantic. 00:03:51.773 --> 00:03:53.816 align:center It's sweet, it's sensual. 00:03:53.900 --> 00:03:55.193 align:center So you're making out. 00:03:56.027 --> 00:03:57.820 align:center -Now? -Action. 00:04:05.662 --> 00:04:07.747 align:center -I'll take care of it. -Thank you. 00:04:10.416 --> 00:04:12.418 align:center Ow!What the fuck? 00:04:12.502 --> 00:04:13.670 align:center Kiss her. Kiss her. 00:04:13.753 --> 00:04:17.298 align:center Are you sure? I just got, uh, some mixed signals from you today. 00:04:17.882 --> 00:04:19.634 align:center Kiss her. Kiss her. 00:04:21.844 --> 00:04:24.180 align:center -Just… mouth on mouth. -Unexpected. Okay, okay. 00:04:24.264 --> 00:04:25.223 align:center Yeah. 00:04:27.058 --> 00:04:28.851 align:center -Uh, Mike? -Yeah. 00:04:28.935 --> 00:04:32.355 align:center It-- it says in the script that I… I grab her bosom? 00:04:32.438 --> 00:04:33.356 align:center Yeah. 00:04:37.110 --> 00:04:38.444 align:center I don't wanna do that. 00:04:39.070 --> 00:04:40.613 align:center Tom… Tom, it's okay. 00:04:40.697 --> 00:04:42.782 align:center -Hit those titties. -Just grab 'em. 00:04:42.865 --> 00:04:44.367 align:center Just grab 'em. It's okay. 00:04:44.450 --> 00:04:45.868 align:center Come on, Tom. Get in there. 00:04:46.619 --> 00:04:48.413 align:center -Jesus, Tom, go. -You're so close. 00:04:48.496 --> 00:04:49.539 align:center That's my shoulder. 00:04:49.622 --> 00:04:51.165 align:center -Yeah. -Tommy, what's up? 00:04:51.249 --> 00:04:54.544 align:center I mean, you know, tits, who's into those now? 00:04:54.627 --> 00:04:56.254 align:center -You need me to step in? -Please. 00:04:56.337 --> 00:04:58.089 align:center I'll play with her tits. Suck on her tits. 00:04:58.172 --> 00:04:59.716 align:center Then I'll smack 'em around. 00:04:59.799 --> 00:05:01.134 align:center Move over. Get over. 00:05:01.217 --> 00:05:03.386 align:center -You want me to roll this way? -No, this is it. 00:05:03.469 --> 00:05:06.431 align:center -Okay. -I'll just get in there. Tom, straddle me. 00:05:06.514 --> 00:05:08.766 align:center -I straddle you from here? -Mm-hmm. 00:05:10.852 --> 00:05:14.397 align:center Do you think you can not get aroused? Be a professional? Be a man? 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.150 align:center This is how we did Brokeback, Heated Rivalry. 00:05:17.233 --> 00:05:19.777 align:center If you'd ever had any kind of formal training, 00:05:19.861 --> 00:05:20.987 align:center you'd know about this. 00:05:21.070 --> 00:05:23.656 align:center -And now, I reach my hands up. -Yeah. 00:05:23.740 --> 00:05:25.825 align:center -Bring your mouth to my mouth. -Yeah. 00:05:25.908 --> 00:05:28.202 align:center -But she's in between us? Okay. -Mm-hmm. 00:05:28.286 --> 00:05:31.164 align:center -Oh, this is perfect. -Barbara, that's brilliant. Yes. 00:05:31.247 --> 00:05:34.375 align:center What do you think if Vera were to be on top? 00:05:34.459 --> 00:05:36.127 align:center -Yes! -That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:05:36.210 --> 00:05:37.754 align:center Okay. 00:05:37.837 --> 00:05:40.840 align:center Okay, Tom, lay it down. Lay it down right here. 00:05:40.923 --> 00:05:44.385 align:center -So then if I'm… here. Okay? -Mm-hmm. 00:05:44.469 --> 00:05:45.970 align:center -I can't talk like this. -That's great. 00:05:46.054 --> 00:05:47.889 align:center You're just gonna sit on my face? 00:05:47.972 --> 00:05:49.766 align:center Okay, I have his hands. Don't worry. 00:05:49.849 --> 00:05:51.059 align:center Tom, no funny business. 00:05:51.142 --> 00:05:55.646 align:center Now once Vera is up here and mounted, and then I throw my hair back… 00:05:55.730 --> 00:05:56.731 align:center Celeste, just like that. 00:05:59.817 --> 00:06:02.236 align:center -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's like you're carrying the scene. 00:06:02.320 --> 00:06:04.322 align:center Everything goes to you. 00:06:04.405 --> 00:06:06.032 align:center Oh! 00:06:08.951 --> 00:06:11.329 align:center -Oh my God. -I couldn't breathe under there. 00:06:11.412 --> 00:06:14.332 align:center -Ow! Ow! Ow! -Oh my-- 00:06:15.541 --> 00:06:17.585 align:center That was a little rough, Tom. 00:06:19.378 --> 00:06:22.256 align:center I just think I could make it a little more… 00:06:22.340 --> 00:06:23.800 align:center …it played like I-- I have to… 00:06:23.883 --> 00:06:27.095 align:center We have to start shooting. We've been rehearsing all day. It's crazy. 00:06:27.178 --> 00:06:29.013 align:center Could you do, like, an earwig? 00:06:29.097 --> 00:06:30.640 align:center Earwig? Yeah. 00:06:30.723 --> 00:06:32.058 align:center -Yes. Yeah. -Yes. 00:06:32.141 --> 00:06:34.268 align:center -That's fine. -Okay, everybody, picture's up. 00:06:34.352 --> 00:06:35.770 align:center We're gonna shoot. 00:06:35.853 --> 00:06:39.357 align:center Tom, um, we're just gonna jump right to the sex scene, okay? 00:06:39.941 --> 00:06:41.901 align:center -We haven't rehearsed that yet. -I know. 00:06:41.984 --> 00:06:43.820 align:center Um, we're gonna give you an earpiece, 00:06:43.903 --> 00:06:47.407 align:center and then Barbara is just, she's gonna walk you through the whole thing. 00:06:47.490 --> 00:06:50.284 align:center Trust me. She does this in all the big movies. Think of it as a… 00:06:51.744 --> 00:06:53.496 align:center Think of it as a rite of passage. 00:06:54.539 --> 00:06:55.623 align:center Okay. 00:06:56.958 --> 00:06:59.001 align:center We're rolling. Quiet! 00:06:59.085 --> 00:07:01.629 align:center We'll do that tomorrow, okay? All right, um… 00:07:01.712 --> 00:07:04.173 align:center The earpiece is weird. 00:07:04.257 --> 00:07:05.258 align:center Yeah. 00:07:07.385 --> 00:07:08.803 align:center All right, here we go. 00:07:12.515 --> 00:07:13.433 align:center Are you good? 00:07:13.516 --> 00:07:17.103 align:center Yeah. You're really sweaty. He's, like, so sweaty. 00:07:17.186 --> 00:07:18.729 align:center Can we get a thing there? Yeah. 00:07:18.813 --> 00:07:20.022 align:center -All right, Tom? -Sorry. 00:07:20.106 --> 00:07:23.234 align:center -It's okay. -You're in love, and you say…? 00:07:24.026 --> 00:07:24.861 align:center Um… 00:07:25.445 --> 00:07:27.947 align:center "Promise me this is real." Okay, you got this. 00:07:28.030 --> 00:07:30.116 align:center "Promise"-- Yeah. "Promise… this is real." 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.201 align:center Fucking kill me. No more comedians. 00:07:32.285 --> 00:07:33.911 align:center Okay, this is for you, Cosby. 00:07:33.995 --> 00:07:34.996 align:center Listen up. 00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:37.915 align:center Don't even think about getting hard. Do not get hard. 00:07:37.999 --> 00:07:40.501 align:center You fucking pervert. I've seen the way you look at her. 00:07:40.585 --> 00:07:43.171 align:center -You understand me, pedo? -Let's roll camera. 00:07:43.254 --> 00:07:44.755 align:center Rolling! 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:46.966 align:center Amalfi Coast, scene 24, take one. 00:07:47.049 --> 00:07:49.093 align:center Oh, you just want to dig it in. 00:07:49.177 --> 00:07:50.928 align:center She is not one of your whores. 00:07:51.512 --> 00:07:54.724 align:center She's not a victim like that. And I'm not a victim. 00:07:54.807 --> 00:07:57.727 align:center We are not your victims, Tom. 00:07:57.810 --> 00:08:00.438 align:center -What are you talking about? -Tom, keep it together. Come on. 00:08:00.521 --> 00:08:02.732 align:center -Stop saying that shit. -I know your type. 00:08:02.815 --> 00:08:05.067 align:center "I'm a sensitive guy. I had a single mother." 00:08:05.151 --> 00:08:07.987 align:center -"I know what women's lives are like." -Are you okay? 00:08:08.070 --> 00:08:09.572 align:center -Yeah. -Oh, remember Mommy? 00:08:09.655 --> 00:08:12.909 align:center No, you don't. Because she wasn't ever home. 00:08:13.576 --> 00:08:18.039 align:center Mommy didn't come home because Mommy didn't love you. 00:08:18.664 --> 00:08:20.166 align:center Whoops! 00:08:20.249 --> 00:08:21.459 align:center You disgust me. 00:08:21.542 --> 00:08:24.962 align:center You make me ill. 00:08:25.046 --> 00:08:27.798 align:center Clown, comedy. 00:08:27.882 --> 00:08:29.675 align:center Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:33.387 align:center It's all a mask for the monster within. 00:08:34.472 --> 00:08:35.556 align:center Action! 00:08:36.515 --> 00:08:39.268 align:center Tonight's five nominees transported us 00:08:39.352 --> 00:08:43.189 align:center with their spellbinding and often surprising performances. 00:08:43.272 --> 00:08:48.611 align:center And the award for Best Actor in a Major Motion Picture goes to… 00:08:49.862 --> 00:08:51.280 align:center Tom Segura. 00:08:51.906 --> 00:08:53.866 align:center Promise me this is real. 00:08:54.450 --> 00:08:56.118 align:center I know it is. 00:08:57.119 --> 00:08:58.162 align:center I'm scared. 00:08:58.246 --> 00:09:01.082 align:center I'm scared. 00:09:01.165 --> 00:09:02.708 align:center I'm so scared. 00:09:03.209 --> 00:09:04.794 align:center I'm so scared. 00:09:10.091 --> 00:09:11.801 align:center Unfortunately, 00:09:11.884 --> 00:09:15.763 align:center Tom tragically took his life the day the film completed production. 00:09:17.265 --> 00:09:22.478 align:center But I'm certain he would want this award to go to his intimacy coordinator, Bar-- 00:09:50.840 --> 00:09:51.799 align:center There you go. 00:09:52.675 --> 00:09:55.094 align:center What the fuck? 00:09:56.012 --> 00:09:56.846 align:center What? 00:09:57.430 --> 00:09:58.723 align:center Fuck! 00:09:58.806 --> 00:10:00.891 align:center Fuck, man! Why'd you shoot him? 00:10:01.601 --> 00:10:03.603 align:center -You gave me the signal. -No, I didn't. 00:10:03.686 --> 00:10:06.522 align:center -You did your head like this. -That's not the signal. 00:10:06.606 --> 00:10:08.190 align:center I thought that was the signal. 00:10:08.274 --> 00:10:09.734 align:center That was a nod, you know? 00:10:09.817 --> 00:10:12.320 align:center Like, "Hey, hey, what's up, dawg?" 00:10:12.403 --> 00:10:13.446 align:center You know? "Hello." 00:10:13.529 --> 00:10:16.073 align:center I thought that was, you know, like the signal. 00:10:16.157 --> 00:10:19.410 align:center Man, no! I would've gave you a clear fucking signal. 00:10:19.493 --> 00:10:20.369 align:center Like what? 00:10:20.453 --> 00:10:22.830 align:center Like the signal, man. The fucking… 00:10:23.331 --> 00:10:25.291 align:center That's really close to the last one. 00:10:25.374 --> 00:10:26.542 align:center Fuck no, it isn't. 00:10:26.626 --> 00:10:28.419 align:center They're both head… things. 00:10:28.502 --> 00:10:32.965 align:center No, that's-- that's fucking "hello" without saying hello. 00:10:33.049 --> 00:10:33.883 align:center This… 00:10:34.884 --> 00:10:36.093 align:center This… 00:10:37.803 --> 00:10:39.347 align:center Hey, look at me, look at me. 00:10:40.723 --> 00:10:41.849 align:center That's the signal. 00:10:41.932 --> 00:10:42.975 align:center They're very close. 00:10:43.059 --> 00:10:45.311 align:center What are you talking about? They're different! 00:10:45.394 --> 00:10:46.854 align:center Fuck, man, you killed my cousin. 00:10:47.521 --> 00:10:49.649 align:center That's a 22-year-old Mexican kid, man. 00:10:49.732 --> 00:10:51.567 align:center Does that look like the Russian Butcher to you? 00:10:51.651 --> 00:10:55.655 align:center -What's the Butcher look like? -He looks like a Russian butcher. 00:10:55.738 --> 00:10:57.615 align:center I'll tell you what he doesn't look like. 00:10:57.698 --> 00:10:59.450 align:center He doesn't look like my little cousin Juanito, 00:10:59.533 --> 00:11:01.369 align:center aka Flaco, aka Moco, 00:11:01.452 --> 00:11:02.912 align:center aka Chino from Irvine. 00:11:02.995 --> 00:11:04.872 align:center -He's got all those nicknames? -Yeah, man. 00:11:04.955 --> 00:11:07.291 align:center And lately, we started calling him Little Buff Guy. 00:11:07.375 --> 00:11:09.877 align:center He started working out and shit. He's all into it. 00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:13.464 align:center -I can see. -Fuck, Tony. You fucked up, man. 00:11:13.547 --> 00:11:15.091 align:center Fuck, man. Fuck! 00:11:15.591 --> 00:11:18.344 align:center -Why don't we work on signals? -What? 00:11:18.427 --> 00:11:20.137 align:center Yeah, so this doesn't happen again. 00:11:20.221 --> 00:11:22.390 align:center Tony, what the fuck are you talking about, man? 00:11:22.473 --> 00:11:25.226 align:center All right, we need a clear signal. 00:11:31.148 --> 00:11:35.778 align:center -What's that? You're clearing your throat. -But if we know that it means something… 00:11:35.861 --> 00:11:38.030 align:center Well, what if you have to clear your throat in real life? 00:11:38.114 --> 00:11:39.281 align:center All right, how about, uh… 00:11:40.074 --> 00:11:41.075 align:center Uh… 00:11:43.244 --> 00:11:44.328 align:center That's a good signal. 00:11:44.412 --> 00:11:45.746 align:center Point my finger? 00:11:45.830 --> 00:11:47.123 align:center It's clear. 00:11:47.206 --> 00:11:48.332 align:center "Shoot him." 00:11:50.418 --> 00:11:51.669 align:center You got another one? 00:11:51.752 --> 00:11:53.838 align:center Yeah, how about I just go like this? Hey… 00:11:57.425 --> 00:12:00.719 align:center -That works. -Yeah? That's not a fucking signal! 00:12:00.803 --> 00:12:02.471 align:center Tony, that's a full gesture! 00:12:02.555 --> 00:12:05.266 align:center This ain't The Price is Right. I ain't Vanna White. 00:12:05.349 --> 00:12:06.392 align:center Wheel of Fortune. 00:12:06.976 --> 00:12:09.019 align:center -What? -Vanna White's Wheel of Fortune. 00:12:10.062 --> 00:12:11.689 align:center I'm just saying. 00:12:11.772 --> 00:12:12.732 align:center Look, I'm sorry. 00:12:13.774 --> 00:12:16.652 align:center Your cousin, I'm sorry I killed him. 00:12:16.736 --> 00:12:18.571 align:center I feel really embarrassed right now. 00:12:18.654 --> 00:12:21.073 align:center Fuck. You fucked up, man. 00:12:21.157 --> 00:12:22.283 align:center You fucked up bad. 00:12:22.366 --> 00:12:24.160 align:center This is my fucking family. 00:12:24.243 --> 00:12:26.662 align:center Fuck, man. Should be fun to tell his mom, huh? 00:12:26.746 --> 00:12:29.331 align:center "Hey, Tía, I picked up Flaco from the airport." 00:12:29.415 --> 00:12:30.458 align:center "We came downtown, 00:12:30.541 --> 00:12:33.961 align:center and then my colleague shot him in the head when I just said, 'What's up?'" 00:12:35.212 --> 00:12:39.467 align:center You didn't say, "What's up." All right? You gave me a signal. 00:12:43.095 --> 00:12:44.972 align:center And I want you to know something. 00:12:45.055 --> 00:12:47.433 align:center You're making me feel real bad about it. 00:12:50.561 --> 00:12:52.730 align:center Fuck! Well, this should be fun. 00:12:52.813 --> 00:12:55.024 align:center She's calling. Fuck am I gonna tell her? 00:12:55.107 --> 00:12:57.443 align:center Thank you, asshole. 00:12:58.569 --> 00:13:01.697 align:center -Tell her I'm sorry. -Hey, hey, Tía. 00:13:01.781 --> 00:13:03.449 align:center Uh, no, no, Moco's having a blast. 00:13:03.532 --> 00:13:05.701 align:center I mean, uh, uh, he's having fun. 00:13:05.785 --> 00:13:09.622 align:center No, no, he's just not answering 'cause, uh, he's getting a massage. 00:13:10.206 --> 00:13:12.791 align:center I'm waiting here in the lobby. 00:13:12.875 --> 00:13:14.585 align:center They got a really nice lobby. 00:13:14.668 --> 00:13:18.380 align:center He's in a deep, like, trance. He might not even call you until tomorrow. 00:13:20.007 --> 00:13:21.717 align:center He's having so much fun. 00:13:22.218 --> 00:13:25.513 align:center No, he can't talk right now because there's an Asian lady on top of him. 00:13:25.596 --> 00:13:27.932 align:center -It smells like eucalyptus. -Privet. 00:13:28.682 --> 00:13:29.809 align:center You know, eucalyptus? 00:13:29.892 --> 00:13:34.230 align:center It seems as though people in this city believe you are looking for me. 00:13:34.313 --> 00:13:36.482 align:center -Yeah, I'm not sure… -Who are you? 00:13:37.066 --> 00:13:39.235 align:center I prefer to ask the questions myself. 00:13:39.318 --> 00:13:41.070 align:center -…scrub him, and… -Okay. 00:13:41.153 --> 00:13:42.822 align:center You know, bathe him, and… 00:13:50.412 --> 00:13:51.455 align:center Shoot him! 00:14:06.762 --> 00:14:08.222 align:center You know him? 00:14:08.305 --> 00:14:10.266 align:center That's my cousin. 00:14:10.349 --> 00:14:12.309 align:center This dumb motherfucker thought it was you. 00:14:14.812 --> 00:14:15.938 align:center He's Meksikanskiy. 00:14:16.021 --> 00:14:17.940 align:center -Yeah? -You ready? 00:14:18.023 --> 00:14:19.483 align:center Wait, let me give you the nod first. 00:14:20.150 --> 00:14:23.028 align:center Yeah, that's what's up. See? Yeah. Yeah, you get it. 00:14:24.697 --> 00:14:25.865 align:center Okay, ready? 00:14:26.949 --> 00:14:28.701 align:center It's a clear difference between the nod-- 00:14:39.545 --> 00:14:42.006 align:center She's here! 00:14:42.089 --> 00:14:43.549 align:center Phil, she's here! 00:14:43.632 --> 00:14:45.301 align:center All right, all right! 00:14:48.220 --> 00:14:49.555 align:center There she is. 00:14:49.638 --> 00:14:52.766 align:center -Oh gosh, sweetie, welcome home. -Hi. 00:14:52.850 --> 00:14:54.101 align:center Hi, Mom. 00:14:54.184 --> 00:14:55.811 align:center Hi, honey. 00:14:55.895 --> 00:14:58.439 align:center -Hi, Dad. -Darling, how are you? 00:14:58.522 --> 00:15:00.900 align:center God, my hair. 00:15:00.983 --> 00:15:03.485 align:center Almost drowned out there. It's fucking raining. 00:15:03.569 --> 00:15:04.820 align:center Oh, you look great. 00:15:04.904 --> 00:15:07.990 align:center Mom, I see you decided to cut your hair. 00:15:08.073 --> 00:15:09.658 align:center Oh, do you like it? 00:15:09.742 --> 00:15:13.287 align:center Uh, yeah. Totally works for you, I guess. 00:15:13.370 --> 00:15:16.874 align:center -Thank you. -We missed you so much. 00:15:16.957 --> 00:15:19.168 align:center God, I was gone like eight months. 00:15:19.251 --> 00:15:21.712 align:center I swear, you guys are, like, so attached. 00:15:21.795 --> 00:15:23.589 align:center It's crazy. 00:15:23.672 --> 00:15:27.092 align:center Uh, honey, what's that? 00:15:28.469 --> 00:15:31.764 align:center It's a tattoo of a heart, and it has the word "home" in it. 00:15:31.847 --> 00:15:35.017 align:center I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about tattoos. 00:15:35.100 --> 00:15:36.602 align:center You've only got one body. 00:15:36.685 --> 00:15:39.563 align:center Oh, wow. So now you have a say in my body? 00:15:40.189 --> 00:15:42.983 align:center Why don't you tell me what brand of tampon I'm allowed to use, Dad? 00:15:43.067 --> 00:15:44.151 align:center So gross. 00:15:44.234 --> 00:15:45.903 align:center Patriarchy much? 00:15:45.986 --> 00:15:50.491 align:center I just got it to remind myself where I come from or whatever. 00:15:51.075 --> 00:15:52.451 align:center I love you guys. 00:15:52.534 --> 00:15:56.455 align:center -Aw, sweetie, that's so nice. -Yeah. 00:15:56.538 --> 00:15:58.707 align:center Yeah, no shit. I'm super thoughtful. 00:15:58.791 --> 00:16:02.211 align:center So, how was the study abroad program? 00:16:02.294 --> 00:16:03.963 align:center -Do you speak French now? -Oh, right! 00:16:04.046 --> 00:16:06.340 align:center Uh, oui. 00:16:06.423 --> 00:16:08.509 align:center It was amazing. So fucking cool. 00:16:08.592 --> 00:16:11.220 align:center I'm gonna think about what I wanna do with my major, you know? 00:16:11.303 --> 00:16:12.513 align:center Probably gonna switch it up. 00:16:12.596 --> 00:16:15.724 align:center Maybe, like, art or, like, math or, like, the trumpet. 00:16:15.808 --> 00:16:19.019 align:center I don't know. I'm just evolving so fast right now, it's crazy. 00:16:19.103 --> 00:16:23.482 align:center -We are so proud of you. -I know. Anyway, I got you guys something. 00:16:24.149 --> 00:16:24.983 align:center It's, like, whatever, 00:16:25.067 --> 00:16:28.404 align:center but I figured I'd get you something 'cause you paid for my fucking trip. 00:16:28.487 --> 00:16:30.572 align:center Fuck. Where the fuck are these fucking things? 00:16:30.656 --> 00:16:31.824 align:center Oh. 00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:35.411 align:center Caitlyn? 00:16:35.995 --> 00:16:37.454 align:center Oh my God, what now? 00:16:37.538 --> 00:16:39.164 align:center What is that? 00:16:39.248 --> 00:16:42.960 align:center You're so uncultured. It's the Eiffel Tower from Paris. 00:16:43.043 --> 00:16:43.877 align:center Ugh. 00:16:44.461 --> 00:16:46.630 align:center No, on your back. 00:16:46.714 --> 00:16:50.592 align:center On your lower back. Is that… Hitler? 00:16:50.676 --> 00:16:54.012 align:center Uh, yeah, obviously. What's the fucking problem? 00:16:54.763 --> 00:16:55.806 align:center It's Hitler. 00:16:55.889 --> 00:16:57.725 align:center Oh my God. 00:16:57.808 --> 00:16:59.893 align:center What do you specifically see? 00:17:01.353 --> 00:17:03.939 align:center I cannot believe how fucking stupid these two are. 00:17:04.022 --> 00:17:05.065 align:center Oh my God. 00:17:05.149 --> 00:17:06.567 align:center He's smiling. 00:17:07.568 --> 00:17:11.071 align:center Exactly, thank you. Somebody has fucking eyes now, I guess. 00:17:11.155 --> 00:17:12.823 align:center "Exactly" what? 00:17:13.991 --> 00:17:15.117 align:center He's happy here. 00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:16.493 align:center On your back? 00:17:16.577 --> 00:17:19.413 align:center It's just showing him in good spirits. 00:17:19.496 --> 00:17:23.125 align:center Sweetie… …if Hitler's in good spirits, 00:17:23.208 --> 00:17:27.421 align:center it probably means he just did something horrifically awful. 00:17:31.508 --> 00:17:33.093 align:center Describe his smile. 00:17:34.636 --> 00:17:35.888 align:center It's gross. 00:17:37.139 --> 00:17:39.600 align:center No, be objective. 00:17:40.768 --> 00:17:41.935 align:center Is it bad? 00:17:43.312 --> 00:17:45.814 align:center Is it a bad smile, Dad? 00:17:46.940 --> 00:17:48.108 align:center It's good? 00:17:49.151 --> 00:17:50.235 align:center It's a great smile. 00:17:50.319 --> 00:17:51.361 align:center Oh my God. 00:17:51.445 --> 00:17:52.446 align:center Admit it. 00:17:53.155 --> 00:17:54.490 align:center Okay. All right, fine. 00:17:54.573 --> 00:17:56.784 align:center Hitler has a great smile. Is that what you want me to say? 00:17:56.867 --> 00:17:59.995 align:center -That Hitler has a great smile? -He's mogging. 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:02.081 align:center -But, honey-- -He's like a low-tier Chad, Dad. 00:18:02.164 --> 00:18:05.542 align:center You understand that he is an awful person, right? 00:18:05.626 --> 00:18:10.047 align:center -That's like the whole fucking point, Dad. -Okay, good. Great. 00:18:10.756 --> 00:18:11.715 align:center Wait, what? 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:14.343 align:center Oh my God. You guys are so fucking cringe. 00:18:14.426 --> 00:18:16.386 align:center -You watch your mouth. -I'm not cringe. 00:18:16.470 --> 00:18:18.680 align:center All I'm saying is that I got this tattoo 00:18:18.764 --> 00:18:22.935 align:center to remind me to be careful in the real world, okay? 00:18:23.018 --> 00:18:26.146 align:center Like, I look at it every single day, 00:18:26.230 --> 00:18:30.651 align:center and I remember that just because somebody has a nice smile, 00:18:31.276 --> 00:18:33.862 align:center it doesn't mean that they're a nice person. 00:18:33.946 --> 00:18:35.656 align:center Like, the Führer was, like… 00:18:36.907 --> 00:18:38.283 align:center he was kind of a dick. 00:18:41.203 --> 00:18:43.497 align:center Oh no, the power went out. 00:18:43.580 --> 00:18:46.083 align:center I guess I'll fix it. I mean, obviously. 00:18:46.166 --> 00:18:49.920 align:center God, I have to do everything around here. These two are so fucking helpless. 00:18:50.003 --> 00:18:53.215 align:center They'd just live in the dark if I wasn't here. Jesus Christ. 00:18:54.466 --> 00:18:55.634 align:center What? 00:18:56.426 --> 00:18:58.762 align:center It's glow-in-the-dark ink. 00:18:58.846 --> 00:19:00.305 align:center It's super cutting-edge. 00:19:00.389 --> 00:19:03.267 align:center Barely anybody has it, except for Rachel Sennott or whatever. 00:19:03.350 --> 00:19:05.060 align:center Why the Twin Towers? 00:19:05.144 --> 00:19:07.729 align:center Uh, really, Mom? 9/11? 00:19:07.813 --> 00:19:10.065 align:center Ever heard of it? This one's super easy. 00:19:10.649 --> 00:19:16.029 align:center Never forget what Hitler did, even though he had an amazing smile. 00:19:17.614 --> 00:19:19.199 align:center Don't judge a book by its cover. 00:19:19.283 --> 00:19:20.492 align:center Did Hitler just wink? 00:19:20.576 --> 00:19:22.327 align:center It's animated ink. 00:19:22.411 --> 00:19:25.706 align:center Jesus, open your ears. I mean, this one moves too. 00:19:25.789 --> 00:19:26.790 align:center Oh my God. 00:19:26.874 --> 00:19:30.127 align:center Sweetie, please tell me that's not R. Kelly. 00:19:30.210 --> 00:19:31.086 align:center Okay, I won't. 00:19:31.169 --> 00:19:35.591 align:center -Why would you have--? -R. Kelly is another reminder. 00:19:35.674 --> 00:19:36.842 align:center Of what? 00:19:37.426 --> 00:19:38.927 align:center To drink water. 00:19:40.929 --> 00:19:42.681 align:center So that I pee. 00:19:42.764 --> 00:19:43.974 align:center Oh my God. 00:19:44.057 --> 00:19:47.311 align:center Why do you need a tattoo of R. Kelly to remind you to pee? 00:19:47.394 --> 00:19:49.438 align:center 'Cause he's like the pee guy or whatever. 00:19:49.521 --> 00:19:51.481 align:center Why is he licking his lips? 00:19:51.565 --> 00:19:53.817 align:center Because his mouth is dry. 00:19:55.903 --> 00:19:58.989 align:center No wonder I'm gonna be the first one to graduate college in this family. 00:19:59.072 --> 00:20:01.783 align:center You know what? This has gone far enough. That's it. 00:20:01.867 --> 00:20:03.660 align:center -You're getting them removed. -Mm-hmm. 00:20:03.744 --> 00:20:04.870 align:center Wow. 00:20:05.370 --> 00:20:06.496 align:center Wow. 00:20:06.580 --> 00:20:08.624 align:center I knew you'd be close-minded. 00:20:08.707 --> 00:20:10.417 align:center Andre said you'd freak out. 00:20:10.500 --> 00:20:12.461 align:center Who is Andre? 00:20:12.544 --> 00:20:14.004 align:center My tattoo artist. 00:20:15.130 --> 00:20:16.381 align:center And my boyfriend. 00:20:16.465 --> 00:20:17.966 align:center Boyfriend? 00:20:18.800 --> 00:20:21.803 align:center But you came out as a lesbian at Thanksgiving. 00:20:21.887 --> 00:20:23.180 align:center Okay, I came out as bi. 00:20:23.263 --> 00:20:26.225 align:center And that was mostly for attention. I thought that was obvious. 00:20:26.308 --> 00:20:29.102 align:center Andre is an art major. 00:20:29.186 --> 00:20:32.064 align:center He's a junior, and he invented the ink. 00:20:32.773 --> 00:20:35.234 align:center He also just made Forbes' 30 Over 40 List. 00:20:35.317 --> 00:20:36.735 align:center He's over 40? 00:20:36.818 --> 00:20:39.238 align:center Dad, you are missing the point. 00:20:39.321 --> 00:20:40.906 align:center What point? 00:20:40.989 --> 00:20:43.450 align:center I'm marrying into money. 00:20:44.076 --> 00:20:45.244 align:center -Oh. -Hm. 00:20:45.327 --> 00:20:47.871 align:center College is terrifying. 00:20:48.413 --> 00:20:50.165 align:center Everybody has a path. 00:20:50.249 --> 00:20:52.084 align:center And I don't yet. 00:20:52.668 --> 00:20:56.171 align:center Dad, you always said to have a backup plan. 00:20:56.254 --> 00:20:59.967 align:center Well, Andre is my backup plan. 00:21:00.050 --> 00:21:04.346 align:center And if I get these lasered off, he's gonna think I don't support his art. 00:21:04.930 --> 00:21:06.139 align:center And then what? 00:21:06.223 --> 00:21:12.062 align:center I'm just stuck with this dumb degree that literally nobody asked for? 00:21:12.145 --> 00:21:13.522 align:center Is that what you want? 00:21:13.605 --> 00:21:15.691 align:center -Oh, honey, no, no. -No, sweetheart. 00:21:15.774 --> 00:21:17.484 align:center -No. -Sweetheart. 00:21:17.567 --> 00:21:19.236 align:center We trust you. 00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:20.696 align:center -We love you. -Yeah. 00:21:20.779 --> 00:21:23.031 align:center Yeah. I love me too. 00:21:23.615 --> 00:21:26.118 align:center By the way, I also do porn now. art.