WEBVTT

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Natutulog akong may weighted blanket

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para kunwari, may nakapatong sa 'kin,

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pero di ko nakakain 'yong buhok niya,

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kaya weighted blanket na lang.

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Nakakatulong pa sa wet dreams.

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Nakakatulong,
kasi lalabasan ka dahil do'n, so…

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Oo, weighted blanket,
maganda para sa wet dreams,

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pero di maganda pag may sunog.

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Sabi ni Christina,
malaki daw ang bayag ko.

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Feeling ko, ang gusto niyang sabihin,
"Wag na nating pag-usapan ang titi mo."

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Hindi dapat kami nagpakasal.

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Di ba?

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Andito na sila.

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Sino?

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'Yong merch ko.

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Sinakay mo sa 18-wheeler ang merch mo?

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Oo, pare.

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Big day 'to.

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Teka, ano?

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Di ba, sabi mo, kumuha ako ng idea
sa act ko, lagyan ko ng pangalan ko,

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para kumita ako ng dagdag?

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Oo, sabi ko nga.

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Weighted blankets ang pinili ko.

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Weighted blankets?

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Oo.

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Kasi lalabasan ka do'n.

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Teka, seryoso—

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Puno talaga ng weighted blankets
'yang truck?

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Oo.

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Kirk,

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ang merch para sa comedy show,

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T-shirts, hats, saka beer koozies.

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Gusto nila 'yong weighted blanket bit.

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Hindi naman bit 'yon.

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May ilang lines ka lang tungkol do'n.

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Sandali, gaano kabigat 'yan?

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Sixty-eight.

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Kilos?

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Oo.

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Akala ko four to six kilos lang
ang weighted blankets?

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Gusto ko kasing maiba.

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Tol, naka-hat ka sa bawat show mo.

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Hindi ba magandang idea ang Kirk Fox hat?

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Pwede, weighted hats.

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Teka, ano ba'ng trip mo?
Bakit puro weighted?

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Kirk, ilan niyan ang in-order mo?

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Halagang 400,000.

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Ha?

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Oo, binawasan nila 'yong presyo
kasi bultuhan.

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Four hundred thousand?

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Nakakautang ako dahil sa bahay ko.

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-Pwedeng magtanong?
-Pwede.

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Ano ba'ng problema mo?

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Wala naman akong problema.

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Sinabi mo ba?

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Na lalabasan sila?

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Oo, ginawa ko 'yong sinabi mo,
pero hindi nila naunawaan.

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-Nalilito silang lahat.
-Ibaba mo kasi!

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Kailangan mong i-demo.

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Lalabasan ka sa Kirk Fox.

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Sinubukan ko, kaso, ang bigat.

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Kakaopera lang ng mga tuhod ko
noong nakaraang buwan.

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Wala akong paki sa tuhod mo, pucha.

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Kumusta, p're?

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Di niya pinapakita kung pa'no gagamitin.

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Kailangan mong ipakita 'yon.
Sinabi ko na sa 'yo.

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Kumot lang 'yan. Alam na ng mga tao 'yon.

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Weighted blanket 'yan.

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A, oo nga pala.

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Tingnan mo. Pag nahiga ka nang ganito,

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weighted blanket 'yan.

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Pahingi ng isa.

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Kailangan n'yo ng tulong?

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Diyos ko po.

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Diyos ko!

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Oh my God. Ayos lang kayo?

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'Yan ang nangyayari
pag bangkay ni Nancy Reagan

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ang pinagtitinda mo ng kumot.

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-Tulungan na kitang tumayo.
-Ayos ka lang.

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Hindi siya okay.

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-Tumigil ka sa kakareklamo.
-Pwedeng magpatulong?

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-Dalhin mo siya sa medic.
-Tumahimik ka.

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Dito po.

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Kirk, ang laking kapalpakan nito.

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Kailangan ko lang ng panahon.

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Hindi panahon ang issue dito.

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'Yong idea mong parang tanga.

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'Yon ang problema.

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Pucha.

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Tom.

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Nagkamali ako, p're.

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'Yon na nga ang sinasabi ko.

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Napakatanga ng idea na 'to.

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A, puta!

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Punyeta.

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Tulungan mo 'ko, pare. Please.

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Akala ko talaga, tama 'to.

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Akala ko, tama 'to. Ramdam ko, e.

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Parang iPhones.

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Parang Uncrustables.

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Kumot na pangjakol.

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'Yon ang big three.

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Kinumpara mo talaga 'yan sa iPhone?

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'Tang ina!

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Ito na ang pinakapangit na idea
sa balat ng lupa!

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Pangit talaga.

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Dito napunta 'yong lahat ng ipon ko.

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Mawawalan na 'ko ng bahay.
Di ako pwedeng magpalaboy.

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Nagbibiro ako tungkol do'n.

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Uy, bagay sa 'kin 'yon.
Lagi akong nakamaong, e.

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Kailangan kong maligo gabi-gabi.

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-Mukha lang akong madumi. Malinis ako.
-Okay, hinga nang malalim.

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Makinig ka.

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-Aayusin natin 'to.
-Pa'no?

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Katapusan ko na 'to, p're.

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Ire-reimburse ko
'yong putang inang 400 libong ginastos mo.

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Limang daan. Nagsinungaling ako.

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Okay.

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Ire-reimburse ko
'yong 500 libong ginastos mo

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sa weighted blankets,

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tapos pag-usapan natin
kung pa'no mo huhulugan.

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Madalas kang may free shows, by the way.

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-Labyu.
-Labyu too.

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Idespatsa mo na
'yang buwisit na weighted blankets, ha.

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Bahala ka na kung pa'no.

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-Ako ang bahala.
-Sige.

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Mag-isip ka lang kung paano.

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Kumusta?

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Uy, hi.

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Pag nagkaro'n pa ng feedback
sa ibang part ng stage, okay lang sa 'kin.

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Pero pag nasa downstage center ka—

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Gusto n'yo 'yon?

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Ilagay mo na 'yan. Ipasok mo.

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Sinusubukan ko nga.

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May allergic ba sa bayag dito?

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Weighted blankets para sa lahat!

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Kirk, 'tang ina, ano'ng ginagawa mo?

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Salamat, Tom.

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Nabaliw na siya.

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Kirk Fox, ha.
Sabihin n'yo sa friends n'yo.

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NAGBABAGANG BALITA

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Nagbabagang balita
mula sa Hollywood, California.

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Isang stand-up comedian ang naaresto
dahil sa multiple counts of homicide,

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assault, at terrorism.

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Ang pangalan, Tom Segura.

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Ilang tao ang brutal na pinaslang
at libo-libo ang na-trauma

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nang biglang pagbabarilin ang audience
ng di kilalang tao na binayaran ni Segura

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gamit ang diumano'y
homemade projectile launcher.

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Ipinakikita ng bank statements
at email sa pagitan nila

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na si Segura ang nagpondo
ng teroristang pag-atake

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at binayaran pa ang naturang tao
ng $500,000.

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Nakakulong na si Segura
nang walang tsansang mag-parole,

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at malamang na masentensiyahan
ng kamatayan ngayong buwan.

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Walang natawa
sa brutal na ginawa ng komedyante.

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Dumako naman tayo sa isang reunion
makalipas ang tatlong taon.

00:07:24.861 --> 00:07:28.739 align:center
Isang beterano at kanyang military dog
na nagkalayo nang ilang libong kilometro

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ang magkikitang muli sa unang pagkakataon
matapos silang madestino.

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Maghanda na kayo ng tissue.
Cecilia Nichols, ikuwento mo na.

00:07:36.539 --> 00:07:40.626 align:center
Hindi nawala sa isipan ng army specialist
na si Jake Thornton ang partner niyang

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9-year-old Belgian Malinois na si Bruno.

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Kasi kaming dalawa talaga
ang magkasama do'n.

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Tapos araw-araw,
sinusuportahan niya talaga ako.

00:07:51.304 --> 00:07:54.223 align:center
Mula no'ng umpisa,
ipinagkatiwala ko na si Jake kay Bruno.

00:07:54.307 --> 00:07:59.645 align:center
Labing-walong buwang nagkasama ang dalawa
habang nagpa-patrol sa Iraq.

00:07:59.729 --> 00:08:01.689 align:center
Ngunit nang matapos
ang deployment ni Jake,

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ilang taon pa
ang natitirang serbisyo ni Bruno,

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kung kaya't napilitan si Jake
na iwanan ito sa bagong handler.

00:08:09.489 --> 00:08:13.576 align:center
Sobrang hirap magpaalam no'n.

00:08:13.659 --> 00:08:15.870 align:center
Nalungkot siya dahil do'n
no'ng umuwi siya.

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Na-miss niya talaga 'yong asong 'yon.

00:08:18.289 --> 00:08:21.501 align:center
Araw-araw na ipinagdasal ni Jake
na makitang muli si Bruno,

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habang hinihintay ang araw
na magreretiro ang kanyang partner.

00:08:25.379 --> 00:08:27.590 align:center
Ewan ko kung maaalala niya 'ko.

00:08:28.382 --> 00:08:30.760 align:center
Pero naaalala ko siya.

00:08:31.510 --> 00:08:33.638 align:center
Araw-araw, naaalala ko siya.

00:08:33.721 --> 00:08:37.183 align:center
Well, may bisita tayo ngayon.
Kanina ka pa niya gustong makita.

00:08:37.767 --> 00:08:38.726 align:center
Ready ka na ba?

00:08:38.809 --> 00:08:40.853 align:center
Opo, ma'am. Ready na po.

00:08:42.063 --> 00:08:43.439 align:center
Eto na siya!

00:08:46.400 --> 00:08:48.402 align:center
Uy, pare. Hello.

00:08:49.654 --> 00:08:50.655 align:center
Bruno.

00:08:51.572 --> 00:08:52.823 align:center
Miss na miss na kita.

00:08:52.907 --> 00:08:54.909 align:center
Uy, pare. Uy.

00:08:54.992 --> 00:08:56.327 align:center
Uy, tropa.

00:08:56.410 --> 00:08:57.370 align:center
Halika dito.

00:09:02.250 --> 00:09:04.001 align:center
Jake, wag kang gagalaw.

00:09:04.085 --> 00:09:05.545 align:center
Tama na!

00:09:05.628 --> 00:09:08.965 align:center
Ibaba mo ang heart rate mo.
Jake, dahan-dahan ang hinga!

00:09:09.048 --> 00:09:10.967 align:center
Jake, akala niya, Taliban ka!

00:09:11.050 --> 00:09:13.135 align:center
Bakit Taliban?

00:09:13.636 --> 00:09:16.472 align:center
Wala akong magagawa.
Mas mataas ang ranggo niya.

00:09:16.555 --> 00:09:18.724 align:center
Jake, I love you!

00:09:18.808 --> 00:09:21.978 align:center
Maganda 'yan, ma'am.
Hindi lahat, nakakaranas na mahalin.

00:09:22.562 --> 00:09:24.855 align:center
Patigilin n'yo siya!

00:09:24.939 --> 00:09:26.274 align:center
Andito ang anak mo.

00:09:26.357 --> 00:09:28.526 align:center
Pumikit ka, iho. Wag mo nang panoorin.

00:09:28.609 --> 00:09:30.695 align:center
-Okay lang siya, anak.
-Hindi siya okay.

00:09:31.946 --> 00:09:33.864 align:center
Sumuko ka na lang sa kanya.

00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:37.952 align:center
Sorry, iho, patay na ang tatay mo.

00:09:38.828 --> 00:09:42.707 align:center
Panginoong Diyos, maraming salamat
at nakasama naming maglingkod si Jake.

00:09:43.291 --> 00:09:46.544 align:center
Amazing grace

00:09:46.627 --> 00:09:50.923 align:center
How sweet the sound

00:09:51.007 --> 00:09:55.886 align:center
That saved a wretch like me

00:09:55.970 --> 00:09:57.179 align:center
-Shit.
-Susmaryosep.

00:09:57.263 --> 00:09:58.097 align:center
Diyos ko po.

00:09:58.180 --> 00:09:59.849 align:center
Baka maka-survive pa siya.

00:10:00.516 --> 00:10:01.976 align:center
Malabo 'yan.

00:10:02.768 --> 00:10:05.396 align:center
Ewan ko lang din. Wala bang ibang palabas?

00:10:06.105 --> 00:10:08.107 align:center
-Diyos ko.
-Miss ko na 'yong aso natin.

00:10:08.691 --> 00:10:12.653 align:center
Tingin mo, mamahalin kaya natin
'yong baby gaya ng aso natin?

00:10:12.737 --> 00:10:14.613 align:center
-Magandang tanong 'yan.
-Imposible, di ba?

00:10:14.697 --> 00:10:18.075 align:center
-Sobrang cute niya pa naman pag—
-Okay na po. Kayo na po.

00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:21.412 align:center
Ma'am Christina, ihahatid po kayo ni Mary
sa room para sa egg retrieval.

00:10:21.495 --> 00:10:23.247 align:center
-Sir, sumama po kayo sa 'kin.
-Okay.

00:10:23.331 --> 00:10:26.125 align:center
-Sir Tom, eto na po 'yong room.
-Okay lang ako.

00:10:26.208 --> 00:10:29.629 align:center
Uy, I love you.
I-enjoy mo ang pagsasalsal.

00:10:32.173 --> 00:10:33.341 align:center
Pasok na.

00:10:33.424 --> 00:10:34.967 align:center
Andito lahat ng kailangan n'yo.

00:10:35.051 --> 00:10:38.888 align:center
May TV, remote,
maraming pagpipilian, may magazines.

00:10:38.971 --> 00:10:41.182 align:center
Ga'no katagal 'to kadalasan?

00:10:41.265 --> 00:10:44.018 align:center
Take your time lang po.
Pero wag masyadong matagal.

00:10:44.101 --> 00:10:47.646 align:center
Kailangan na 'yong sample within the hour
para ma-prepare for fertilization.

00:10:47.730 --> 00:10:48.773 align:center
Sige.

00:10:49.273 --> 00:10:52.485 align:center
Susubukan kong bilisan.
May lube ba o kung ano?

00:10:52.568 --> 00:10:55.988 align:center
May compounds kasi ang lube
na nakaka-affect sa sperm mobility.

00:10:56.072 --> 00:10:57.990 align:center
-Ay, oo nga.
-Sige po.

00:10:59.450 --> 00:11:00.701 align:center
Dito ka lang ba?

00:11:00.785 --> 00:11:01.952 align:center
Ay, hindi po.

00:11:02.036 --> 00:11:03.663 align:center
Hindi, joke lang.

00:11:04.163 --> 00:11:05.581 align:center
Joke lang 'yon.

00:11:06.999 --> 00:11:08.959 align:center
Pindutin lang po 'yong button
pag tapos na.

00:11:09.043 --> 00:11:10.044 align:center
Okay.

00:11:22.264 --> 00:11:23.474 align:center
Kadiri.

00:11:25.059 --> 00:11:27.186 align:center
Yuck. Ayoko niyan.

00:11:27.269 --> 00:11:28.229 align:center
Pass.

00:11:30.022 --> 00:11:32.733 align:center
Ang daming tigyawat.
Paano ako lalabasan niyan?

00:11:42.034 --> 00:11:42.868 align:center
Excuse me po.

00:11:44.912 --> 00:11:47.873 align:center
Wala na po bang ibang options?

00:11:48.666 --> 00:11:50.459 align:center
A, meron pong pangbakla d'yan.

00:11:51.335 --> 00:11:55.548 align:center
Hindi, gusto ko sana
ng mas magandang quality,

00:11:55.631 --> 00:11:58.759 align:center
production, stories,
alam mo na, mga taong mas sexy.

00:12:00.094 --> 00:12:01.345 align:center
Wala po.

00:12:01.929 --> 00:12:03.764 align:center
Okay. Pasensiya na.

00:12:05.599 --> 00:12:07.435 align:center
Kantutin mo 'ko!

00:12:07.518 --> 00:12:08.769 align:center
Sige.

00:12:09.311 --> 00:12:11.063 align:center
Dilaan mo 'yong bayag. Masarap 'yan.

00:12:11.147 --> 00:12:12.815 align:center
-Sige pa.
-Diyos ko.

00:12:12.898 --> 00:12:14.191 align:center
Ang daming bulbol.

00:12:14.692 --> 00:12:16.485 align:center
'Tang ina, ang baho niyan.

00:12:17.361 --> 00:12:19.864 align:center
Oo, ang baho ng puki mong puta ka.

00:12:19.947 --> 00:12:22.491 align:center
Hindi ka nag-aral ng high school, 'no?

00:12:28.956 --> 00:12:29.999 align:center
Pasok na.

00:12:30.708 --> 00:12:32.084 align:center
Eto na.

00:12:32.668 --> 00:12:33.836 align:center
Hi, Tommy.

00:12:34.587 --> 00:12:36.005 align:center
Wag! Ma!

00:12:36.630 --> 00:12:38.132 align:center
-'Tang ina! Ma!
-Tommy?

00:12:38.215 --> 00:12:39.633 align:center
Ano'ng ginagawa mo?

00:12:39.717 --> 00:12:41.010 align:center
Oy, hi!

00:12:41.093 --> 00:12:43.345 align:center
Diyos ko, Tommy, ano 'yan?
Kadiri ka naman.

00:12:43.429 --> 00:12:44.889 align:center
Di ko naman dapat sasagutin.

00:12:44.972 --> 00:12:47.016 align:center
Baliw ka ba? Walang charge—

00:12:47.099 --> 00:12:50.561 align:center
Nag… Nasa fertility clinic ako.
Di ako bastang nagpaparaos lang.

00:12:50.644 --> 00:12:53.481 align:center
May dahilan 'to.
Gusto kitang bigyan ng apo.

00:12:53.564 --> 00:12:55.691 align:center
-Nakita ko 'yong mukha mo.
-Ibaba mo na, please.

00:12:55.775 --> 00:12:58.778 align:center
Nakita rin kita.
Worst moment of my life. Ibaba mo na nga.

00:12:58.861 --> 00:13:00.946 align:center
Sino'ng gumagawa niyan
nang tanghaling tapat?

00:13:01.030 --> 00:13:05.034 align:center
Sinusubukan kong pindutin,
kaso nasa screen na 'yong semilya ko.

00:13:05.117 --> 00:13:06.452 align:center
Ano?

00:13:06.535 --> 00:13:08.788 align:center
Panira ka talaga, alam mo 'yon?

00:13:09.538 --> 00:13:11.582 align:center
Sige na, busy pa ako. Pakibaba na.

00:13:11.665 --> 00:13:12.625 align:center
Hindi kita anak!

00:13:12.708 --> 00:13:13.751 align:center
Pucha naman, Ma!

00:13:13.834 --> 00:13:15.377 align:center
-Diyos ko po!
-Di ko 'yon…

00:13:15.461 --> 00:13:17.046 align:center
-Hindi kita anak!
-'Tang ina!

00:13:17.129 --> 00:13:18.923 align:center
Hindi kita anak!

00:13:21.258 --> 00:13:22.468 align:center
Akin na po.

00:13:23.052 --> 00:13:24.929 align:center
Okay lang po.

00:13:25.012 --> 00:13:26.680 align:center
Okay lang po 'yan. Salamat.

00:13:26.764 --> 00:13:28.015 align:center
Salamat.

00:13:28.098 --> 00:13:29.975 align:center
Congrats, Daddy.

00:13:30.059 --> 00:13:31.101 align:center
Salamat.

00:13:41.529 --> 00:13:43.322 align:center
Sandali.

00:13:43.864 --> 00:13:45.533 align:center
Actually, akin na pala 'yan.

00:13:45.616 --> 00:13:46.659 align:center
Ano po?

00:13:47.326 --> 00:13:49.787 align:center
-Di magandang batch 'yan.
-Ay, contaminated po ba?

00:13:50.579 --> 00:13:53.833 align:center
Oo. I mean, hindi sa paraang sinabi mo
na pwedeng mangyari, pero oo.

00:13:53.916 --> 00:13:55.251 align:center
Pa'no po na-contaminate?

00:13:56.085 --> 00:13:59.755 align:center
Kasi no'ng ginagawa ko 'yon kanina,
no'ng critical moment na,

00:13:59.839 --> 00:14:01.173 align:center
tumawag 'yong nanay ko,

00:14:01.257 --> 00:14:04.218 align:center
tapos nakita ko 'yong mukha niya
habang nilalabasan ako.

00:14:05.010 --> 00:14:07.513 align:center
Ay, sir. Di po gano'n nagwo-work
ang biology.

00:14:07.596 --> 00:14:09.306 align:center
Oo, pero hindi, e. Alam ko.

00:14:09.390 --> 00:14:11.934 align:center
Pero ganito kasi.
May bad energy 'yan, okay?

00:14:12.017 --> 00:14:14.019 align:center
Ayokong makilala
'yong taong mabubuo d'yan.

00:14:14.103 --> 00:14:15.563 align:center
Kaya baka pwedeng mabawi.

00:14:15.646 --> 00:14:17.273 align:center
Okay, kalokohan na po 'yan.

00:14:17.356 --> 00:14:20.276 align:center
Wala na po tayong oras.

00:14:20.359 --> 00:14:23.070 align:center
Akin 'yan, kaya ibalik mo sa 'kin.

00:14:23.153 --> 00:14:24.196 align:center
Ibalik mo 'yan.

00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:26.198 align:center
Sir, medical sample po 'to.

00:14:26.282 --> 00:14:27.616 align:center
Galing 'yan sa katawan ko.

00:14:27.700 --> 00:14:30.744 align:center
Nag-o-ovulate po ang asawa n'yo,
kaya medical sample 'to.

00:14:30.828 --> 00:14:32.746 align:center
-Magnanakaw ka ng semilya.
-Ano?!

00:14:32.830 --> 00:14:34.582 align:center
Nilabasan ako sa harap ng nanay ko.

00:14:34.665 --> 00:14:36.041 align:center
Aba, ang ganda niya siguro.

00:14:36.125 --> 00:14:37.459 align:center
Kadiri! Akin na 'yan.

00:14:37.543 --> 00:14:40.045 align:center
-Hindi! Ano'ng ginagawa mo?
-Akin na.

00:14:40.129 --> 00:14:42.381 align:center
Hindi.

00:14:45.801 --> 00:14:48.304 align:center
Sorry. Ninakaw niya 'yong tamod ko.

00:14:48.887 --> 00:14:51.056 align:center
-Ninakaw niya 'yong tamod ko.
-Baliw ka ba?

00:14:54.685 --> 00:14:55.853 align:center
-Hindi!
-Bumalik ka dito!

00:14:55.936 --> 00:14:57.396 align:center
-Semilya ko 'yan!
-Hindi!

00:14:57.479 --> 00:14:59.064 align:center
Tulong! Guard!

00:15:00.274 --> 00:15:02.443 align:center
Pigilan n'yo siya! Pigilan n'yo!

00:15:07.781 --> 00:15:08.866 align:center
Tulong!

00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:26.925 align:center
Sir, bawal po kayo dito.

00:15:27.009 --> 00:15:28.928 align:center
Akin na 'yang tamod ko!

00:15:41.357 --> 00:15:43.233 align:center
Hoy! Bumalik ka dito!

00:15:43.317 --> 00:15:44.610 align:center
A, shit.

00:15:47.696 --> 00:15:49.239 align:center
Bitawan mo na.

00:15:49.323 --> 00:15:51.700 align:center
-Akin na ang semilya ko.
-Hindi! Akin 'to!

00:15:51.784 --> 00:15:53.285 align:center
-Gago.
-Akin na 'yan!

00:15:56.914 --> 00:15:58.290 align:center
Buwisit.

00:16:24.775 --> 00:16:25.818 align:center
Wag!

00:16:28.988 --> 00:16:30.155 align:center
Pucha.

00:16:43.127 --> 00:16:44.795 align:center
Okay ka lang ba?

00:16:45.546 --> 00:16:47.214 align:center
Pasensiya na talaga.

00:16:47.297 --> 00:16:49.091 align:center
Nagkaro'n ng konting problema,

00:16:49.174 --> 00:16:51.218 align:center
pero okay na lahat, kaya ready na tayo.

00:16:54.805 --> 00:16:56.181 align:center
Pucha naman, o.

00:16:57.850 --> 00:16:58.851 align:center
Tom?

00:17:10.529 --> 00:17:11.697 align:center
Panalo ako.

00:17:11.780 --> 00:17:13.615 align:center
Tom, ano ka ba?

00:17:17.161 --> 00:17:18.454 align:center
Hindi mo gusto 'to?

00:17:18.537 --> 00:17:21.415 align:center
Diyos ko.
Hanggang aso na lang talaga tayo.

00:18:06.376 --> 00:18:08.629 align:center
Nagsalin ng Subtitle: IJQT
ang talaga tayo.