I also sleep with a weighted blanket
'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
but I don't have to have hair in my mouth,
so I sleep with a weighted blanket,
which also helps with wet dreams.
And by help, I mean it causes them, so…
Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams,
shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that.
You know, Christina said I have great balls.
Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about."
We're not supposed to be married.
Right?
They're here.
What's here?
My merch.
You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch?
Yeah, man.
It's a big day.
Wait, what?
Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it,
make a little extra scratch?
Yeah, I remember that.
I went with weighted blankets.
-Weighted blankets? -Yeah.
'Cause they make you nut.
Wait, are you ser--
Is this truck really full of weighted blankets?
Yeah.
Kirk… merch for comedy shows
is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies.
They love my weighted blanket bit.
Honestly, it's not even really a bit.
You just kind of have a couple lines about it.
Wait, how much do they weigh?
Hundred and twenty-five.
Pounds?
Yeah.
I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds.
I wanted to stand out.
Dude, you wear a hat at every show.
You don't think a Kirk Fox… hat is a good idea?
Yeah, weighted hats.
No, what… what is your deal with weighted stuff?
Kirk, how many of these did you order?
400,000 worth.
What?
Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order.
Four hundred grand?
Got an equity line on the house.
-Can I ask you something? -Yeah.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I've never been clearer.
-Did you tell them? -That they'll nut?
Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it.
-Everyone's super confused. -You gotta take it off the table!
You gotta demonstrate.
Kirk Fox makes you come.
I tried, but it's too heavy.
I mean, I had both knees replaced last month.
I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch.
How's it going, man?
Well, she's not showing them how to use it.
You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that.
It's a blanket. People get it.
It's a weighted blanket.
Right, I forgot that.
If you lay down like this,
it's a weighted blanket.
Give me one.
Do you need a hand?
Oh my God.
Jesus!
Oh my God. Are you okay?
This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse
to sell blankets, man.
-Let me help you up. -You're fine.
She's not fine.
-Quit your whining. -Can we get some help over here?
-Get her to a medic. -Shut up.
This way.
Kirk, this is a shit show, man.
I just need more time.
I don't think time's the issue.
It's your dumb fucking idea.
That's the problem.
Shit.
Tom.
I fucked up, man.
That's what I've been saying, man.
This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea.
Oh fuck!
Goddamn it.
Please help me, man. Please help me.
I thought I had it, man.
I thought I had it. I felt it.
iPhones.
Uncrustables.
Nut blankets.
The big three.
Did you just compare these to iPhones?
Fuck!
This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with.
It's a really bad idea.
My entire life savings went into this.
I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless.
I joke about being homeless.
"Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim."
"I need a shower every night."
-"I just look dirty. I'm clean." -All right, take a deep breath.
Just listen.
-We'll figure it out. -How? How?
I'm fucking toast, bro.
I'll reimburse you
for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent.
Five hundred. I lied.
Okay… I'll reimburse you
for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets,
and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay?
You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way.
-I love you. -I love you too.
And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets.
However you wanna do it.
-I'll get rid of these. -Yes.
Just figure something out.
How's it going?
Oh, hey.
If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine.
But when you're downstage center--
You're welcome!
You like that?
Get that one. Get it in there.
I'm trying.
Any nut allergies?
Weighted blankets for all!
Kirk! What the fuck are you doing?
Thank you, Tom.
He's fucking lost it.
Kirk Fox. Tell your friends.
Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now.
A stand-up comedian has been arrested on multiple counts of homicide,
assault, and terrorism.
His name, Tom Segura.
Seven people were brutally murdered and thousands traumatized
when an unnamed man that Segura hired began shooting audience members
with what's being described as a homemade projectile launcher.
Bank statements and emails from Segura to the man
show that Segura entirely funded the terrorist attack,
paying the man $500,000.
Segura is being held with no chance of parole
and will likely be sentenced to death later this month.
This comedian's brutal act is one that no one is laughing at.
Well, turning now to a reunion three years in the making.
A veteran and his military dog separated by thousands of miles
about to see each other for the first time since deployment.
You're gonna wanna grab a tissue for this one.
Cecilia Nichols has the story.
Army specialist Jake Thorton never forgot his partner,
a nine-year-old Belgian Malinois named Bruno.
Well, out there, it's just you and him.
And he had my back every single day.
From the very first moment, I trusted Bruno with Jake's life.
For 18 months, the two spent hundreds of hours together
on patrol in Iraq.
But when Jake's deployment ended,
Bruno still had years of service ahead of him,
meaning Jake had to leave his partner behind with a new handler.
That was, um, one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.
It weighed on him when he came back.
He really missed that dog.
Jake never stopped hoping he would see Bruno again,
waiting for the day his partner would finally retire from service.
I don't know if he'll remember me.
But I remember him.
I remember him every single day.
Well, we have someone here who has been waiting to see you.
Are you ready?
Yes, ma'am. I'm ready.
Here he is!
Hey, buddy. Hey.
Bruno.
I missed you so much.
Hey, buddy. Hey.
Hey, pal.
Come here, Bruno.
Jake, try not to move.
Stop!
Lower your heart rate. Jake! Control your breath!
Jake! He thinks you're Taliban!
Try and stop him!
There's absolutely nothing I can do, ma'am. He outranks me.
-Jake, I love you! -That's beautiful, ma'am.
Not everybody experiences love in this world.
Make it stop! Make it stop!
Your son's here.
Close your eyes, son. You don't want to watch this.
-He's gonna be okay. -Not gonna be okay.
Well, just surrender to it now.
Sorry, son. Your dad's dead.
Lord in heaven, thank you so much for letting Jake serve with us.
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
-Holy shit. Oh my God. -Jesus.
Maybe he'll be okay.
I don't think so.
I don't know. Can we put something else on?
-God. -I miss our dog.
Do you think that we could love our baby as much as we love our dog?
-That's a good question. -No way, right?
-You know how cute it is when he-- -All right, you two. We're ready.
So, Christina, Mary here will show you to the room for egg retrieval.
-And, Tom, follow me. -Okay.
-All right, Tom, here's your room. -It's okay, I'm okay.
Hey, I love you. Have fun jerking off into a cup.
Get in there.
So we got everything you need.
Uh, TV, remote, lots of selections, magazines…
So how long does it take most people?
Oh. Just, uh, take your time. But not too much time.
We need the sample within the hour to prepare it for fertilization.
Right.
I'll try to be quick. Is there lube or anything?
Well, lube has compounds that affect sperm mobility.
-So… …yeah. -Oh, right.
Are you staying?
Oh, no.
I was-- I was kidding.
-Oh. -I was-- I was joking.
Um, just press the button when you're done.
Okay.
Gross.
Nope. No.
No.
So much acne. How am I gonna come to this?
-Excuse me? -Hm?
Um, are there any other, like, options?
Oh, there's gay stuff in there.
No, I meant, uh… I'm, I'm looking for better quality,
production, stories, you know, hotter people.
No.
Okay. Sorry about that.
Oh, fuck me!
Yeah.
Lick his balls. That's good.
-Oh, yeah. -Oh my God. So much hair.
Fuck, I bet it stinks.
Yeah. Stinky little bitch.
Yeah, you didn't go to high school, did you?
Get in there.
Here we go!
Hi, Tommy.
No! Mom!
-Fuck! Mom! -Tommy?
-What are you doing? -Hey!
Oh my gosh, Tommy, what is that? That is disgusting.
I didn't wanna answer the phone.
Are you crazy? There is no chance you're showing--
I was-- I'm at a fertility clinic. I'm not just having an afternoon jerk.
This is for a reason. I'm hoping to give you a grandson.
-I saw your face, Tommy… -Please hang up.
I saw your face too. Worst moment of my entire life.
Can you hang up now?
Who will do that in the middle of the day?
I keep trying to fucking hit it, but my-- the-- my semen's on the phone.
What?
You've ruined this whole thing, okay?
Yeah, I gotta fucking go. Please hang up now.
-You are not my son! -Fuck, Mom!
-Oh my gosh! -No! 'Cause I-- I didn't…
-You are not my son! -Fuck!
You are not my son!
I'll take it.
Okay? It's okay.
It's okay. Thanks.
Thank you.
Congratulations, Dad.
-Thanks. -Mm-hmm.
-Wait, wait, wait. -Mm.
I'm gonna need that back, actually.
I-I'm sorry?
-It's not a good batch. -Oh, is it contaminated?
Well, yes. I mean, not in the way that you told me it might be, but yes.
Well, how is it contaminated?
Well, when I was doing what I was doing in there, at the critical moment,
my mom called,
and I saw her face as I was making the deposit.
Oh, sir. That's not how biology works.
Yeah, but no, no, no. I know.
But here's the thing. There's bad energy in there, okay?
I don't even wanna meet the person that that becomes.
So I would like it back.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
And we don't have time for this.
It belongs to me, and I would like it back now.
So give it back to me.
Sir, this is a medical sample.
It came from my body.
Well, your wife is ovulating right now, so it is a medical sample.
-You're a semen demon. -What?!
You realize that I came looking at my mother?
Well, she must be a pretty lady.
Gross! I want it back.
-No! No, no! What are you doing? -Yes.
No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Hey! Wh-- -Sorry.
She stole my cum.
-She stole my cum cup. -Are you crazy, man?
-No! No! -Get back here!
-That's my semen! -Nope!
Help! Security!
My God!
Somebody stop her! Stop her!
Help!
Sir, you can't be in here.
Give me back my cum!
Hey! Come back! Come back here!
Oh shit.
Let go.
-Give me that semen. -No! No! Give it to me!
-Asshole! -Give me that!
Shit.
Uh-uh.
No, no, no!
Fuck.
-Is everything okay? -Oh, uh…
I'm so sorry.
There was a small hiccup,
but we got everything, and we're good to go.
Goddamn it.
Tom?
I win.
Tom, what the fuck?
Ugh.
You don't like this?
Dude. Well, I guess we're dog people now. o.