WEBVTT 00:15.765 --> 00:17.559 I also sleep with a weighted blanket 00:17.642 --> 00:19.602 'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me, 00:19.686 --> 00:22.647 but I don't have to have hair in my mouth, 00:22.731 --> 00:24.607 so I sleep with a weighted blanket, 00:24.691 --> 00:26.776 which also helps with wet dreams. 00:26.860 --> 00:30.196 And by help, I mean it causes them, so… 00:30.280 --> 00:32.741 Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams, 00:32.824 --> 00:35.035 shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that. 00:38.580 --> 00:40.540 You know, Christina said I have great balls. 00:41.833 --> 00:45.879 Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about." 00:46.838 --> 00:48.840 We're not supposed to be married. 00:50.717 --> 00:51.760 Right? 00:51.843 --> 00:52.844 They're here. 00:53.678 --> 00:54.804 What's here? 00:55.305 --> 00:56.473 My merch. 00:58.725 --> 01:01.311 You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch? 01:01.394 --> 01:02.353 Yeah, man. 01:03.188 --> 01:05.523 It's a big day. 01:08.610 --> 01:09.694 Wait, what? 01:09.778 --> 01:13.323 Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it, 01:13.406 --> 01:14.908 make a little extra scratch? 01:15.492 --> 01:16.701 Yeah, I remember that. 01:17.452 --> 01:18.995 I went with weighted blankets. 01:21.998 --> 01:24.834 -Weighted blankets? -Yeah. 01:30.340 --> 01:31.633 'Cause they make you nut. 01:32.592 --> 01:34.177 Wait, are you ser-- 01:34.260 --> 01:36.971 Is this truck really full of weighted blankets? 01:37.514 --> 01:38.473 Yeah. 01:39.307 --> 01:42.560 Kirk… merch for comedy shows 01:42.644 --> 01:45.647 is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies. 01:45.730 --> 01:47.440 They love my weighted blanket bit. 01:47.524 --> 01:49.150 Honestly, it's not even really a bit. 01:49.234 --> 01:51.903 You just kind of have a couple lines about it. 01:52.487 --> 01:53.947 Wait, how much do they weigh? 01:54.531 --> 01:55.782 Hundred and twenty-five. 01:56.366 --> 01:57.242 Pounds? 01:57.325 --> 01:58.576 Yeah. 01:58.660 --> 02:01.162 I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds. 02:01.246 --> 02:03.164 I wanted to stand out. 02:03.248 --> 02:05.208 Dude, you wear a hat at every show. 02:05.291 --> 02:09.295 You don't think a Kirk Fox… hat is a good idea? 02:09.379 --> 02:11.464 Yeah, weighted hats. 02:11.548 --> 02:14.342 No, what… what is your deal with weighted stuff? 02:15.677 --> 02:17.929 Kirk, how many of these did you order? 02:18.513 --> 02:19.931 400,000 worth. 02:20.014 --> 02:21.015 What? 02:21.975 --> 02:24.769 Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order. 02:24.853 --> 02:26.855 Four hundred grand? 02:26.938 --> 02:28.565 Got an equity line on the house. 02:29.149 --> 02:31.442 -Can I ask you something? -Yeah. 02:31.526 --> 02:33.862 What the fuck is wrong with you? 02:35.446 --> 02:37.198 I've never been clearer. 02:39.284 --> 02:41.661 -Did you tell them? -That they'll nut? 02:41.744 --> 02:44.539 Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it. 02:44.622 --> 02:48.001 -Everyone's super confused. -You gotta take it off the table! 02:48.084 --> 02:49.502 You gotta demonstrate. 02:49.586 --> 02:51.379 Kirk Fox makes you come. 02:51.462 --> 02:53.590 I tried, but it's too heavy. 02:53.673 --> 02:56.176 I mean, I had both knees replaced last month. 02:56.259 --> 02:59.304 I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch. 02:59.387 --> 03:00.388 How's it going, man? 03:01.598 --> 03:03.433 Well, she's not showing them how to use it. 03:03.516 --> 03:06.519 You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that. 03:06.603 --> 03:09.022 It's a blanket. People get it. 03:09.105 --> 03:10.607 It's a weighted blanket. 03:10.690 --> 03:12.442 Right, I forgot that. 03:12.525 --> 03:14.569 If you lay down like this, 03:15.570 --> 03:17.113 it's a weighted blanket. 03:18.156 --> 03:19.240 Give me one. 03:19.824 --> 03:21.034 Do you need a hand? 03:22.035 --> 03:24.495 Oh my God. 03:24.579 --> 03:25.872 Jesus! 03:25.955 --> 03:27.874 Oh my God. Are you okay? 03:27.957 --> 03:30.668 This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse 03:30.752 --> 03:32.086 to sell blankets, man. 03:32.170 --> 03:34.214 -Let me help you up. -You're fine. 03:34.297 --> 03:35.215 She's not fine. 03:35.298 --> 03:37.717 -Quit your whining. -Can we get some help over here? 03:37.800 --> 03:39.594 -Get her to a medic. -Shut up. 03:39.677 --> 03:41.512 This way. 03:41.596 --> 03:44.641 Kirk, this is a shit show, man. 03:45.475 --> 03:47.143 I just need more time. 03:47.227 --> 03:48.895 I don't think time's the issue. 03:48.978 --> 03:50.647 It's your dumb fucking idea. 03:50.730 --> 03:52.398 That's the problem. 03:58.655 --> 03:59.906 Shit. 04:00.740 --> 04:01.741 Tom. 04:05.328 --> 04:06.871 I fucked up, man. 04:06.955 --> 04:08.873 That's what I've been saying, man. 04:09.874 --> 04:12.835 This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea. 04:13.503 --> 04:15.421 Oh fuck! 04:16.047 --> 04:17.423 Goddamn it. 04:18.216 --> 04:20.885 Please help me, man. Please help me. 04:22.637 --> 04:24.722 I thought I had it, man. 04:24.806 --> 04:27.475 I thought I had it. I felt it. 04:28.810 --> 04:30.311 iPhones. 04:30.979 --> 04:32.814 Uncrustables. 04:33.314 --> 04:35.066 Nut blankets. 04:35.149 --> 04:36.150 The big three. 04:36.734 --> 04:39.195 Did you just compare these to iPhones? 04:41.197 --> 04:42.532 Fuck! 04:43.116 --> 04:47.912 This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with. 04:47.996 --> 04:49.580 It's a really bad idea. 04:49.664 --> 04:51.541 My entire life savings went into this. 04:51.624 --> 04:54.252 I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless. 04:54.335 --> 04:55.837 I joke about being homeless. 04:55.920 --> 04:58.506 "Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim." 04:58.589 --> 05:00.133 "I need a shower every night." 05:00.216 --> 05:03.511 -"I just look dirty. I'm clean." -All right, take a deep breath. 05:03.594 --> 05:05.722 Just listen. 05:06.848 --> 05:09.142 -We'll figure it out. -How? How? 05:09.225 --> 05:10.893 I'm fucking toast, bro. 05:10.977 --> 05:12.061 I'll reimburse you 05:12.145 --> 05:14.981 for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent. 05:15.064 --> 05:16.566 Five hundred. I lied. 05:18.985 --> 05:21.487 Okay… I'll reimburse you 05:21.571 --> 05:25.616 for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets, 05:25.700 --> 05:27.994 and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay? 05:28.077 --> 05:30.705 You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way. 05:31.372 --> 05:33.082 -I love you. -I love you too. 05:33.166 --> 05:36.336 And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets. 05:37.587 --> 05:39.047 However you wanna do it. 05:39.714 --> 05:41.716 -I'll get rid of these. -Yes. 05:41.799 --> 05:43.342 Just figure something out. 05:46.471 --> 05:47.638 How's it going? 05:56.439 --> 05:57.357 Oh, hey. 05:57.440 --> 06:00.985 If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine. 06:01.069 --> 06:03.446 But when you're downstage center-- 06:04.906 --> 06:08.117 You're welcome! 06:08.951 --> 06:10.244 You like that? 06:13.456 --> 06:15.208 Get that one. Get it in there. 06:15.291 --> 06:16.667 I'm trying. 06:17.418 --> 06:19.170 Any nut allergies? 06:20.797 --> 06:22.840 Weighted blankets for all! 06:24.884 --> 06:26.719 Kirk! What the fuck are you doing? 06:26.803 --> 06:29.514 Thank you, Tom. 06:31.182 --> 06:32.683 He's fucking lost it. 06:35.186 --> 06:37.897 Kirk Fox. Tell your friends. 06:42.235 --> 06:44.654 Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now. 06:44.737 --> 06:47.949 A stand-up comedian has been arrested on multiple counts of homicide, 06:48.032 --> 06:49.659 assault, and terrorism. 06:49.742 --> 06:52.286 His name, Tom Segura. 06:52.370 --> 06:55.414 Seven people were brutally murdered and thousands traumatized 06:55.498 --> 06:59.585 when an unnamed man that Segura hired began shooting audience members 06:59.669 --> 07:02.755 with what's being described as a homemade projectile launcher. 07:02.839 --> 07:05.466 Bank statements and emails from Segura to the man 07:05.550 --> 07:08.344 show that Segura entirely funded the terrorist attack, 07:08.428 --> 07:11.180 paying the man $500,000. 07:11.264 --> 07:13.474 Segura is being held with no chance of parole 07:13.558 --> 07:16.769 and will likely be sentenced to death later this month. 07:16.853 --> 07:20.940 This comedian's brutal act is one that no one is laughing at. 07:21.023 --> 07:24.777 Well, turning now to a reunion three years in the making. 07:24.861 --> 07:28.739 A veteran and his military dog separated by thousands of miles 07:28.823 --> 07:31.909 about to see each other for the first time since deployment. 07:31.993 --> 07:33.744 You're gonna wanna grab a tissue for this one. 07:33.828 --> 07:35.746 Cecilia Nichols has the story. 07:36.539 --> 07:40.626 Army specialist Jake Thorton never forgot his partner, 07:40.710 --> 07:44.046 a nine-year-old Belgian Malinois named Bruno. 07:44.130 --> 07:47.049 Well, out there, it's just you and him. 07:47.133 --> 07:50.011 And he had my back every single day. 07:51.304 --> 07:54.223 From the very first moment, I trusted Bruno with Jake's life. 07:54.307 --> 07:57.477 For 18 months, the two spent hundreds of hours together 07:57.560 --> 07:59.061 on patrol in Iraq. 07:59.729 --> 08:01.689 But when Jake's deployment ended, 08:01.772 --> 08:04.817 Bruno still had years of service ahead of him, 08:04.901 --> 08:09.405 meaning Jake had to leave his partner behind with a new handler. 08:09.489 --> 08:13.576 That was, um, one of the hardest goodbyes of my life. 08:13.659 --> 08:15.870 It weighed on him when he came back. 08:15.953 --> 08:17.788 He really missed that dog. 08:18.289 --> 08:21.501 Jake never stopped hoping he would see Bruno again, 08:21.584 --> 08:25.296 waiting for the day his partner would finally retire from service. 08:25.379 --> 08:27.590 I don't know if he'll remember me. 08:28.382 --> 08:30.468 But I remember him. 08:31.510 --> 08:33.638 I remember him every single day. 08:33.721 --> 08:37.183 Well, we have someone here who has been waiting to see you. 08:37.767 --> 08:38.726 Are you ready? 08:38.809 --> 08:40.853 Yes, ma'am. I'm ready. 08:42.063 --> 08:43.439 Here he is! 08:46.400 --> 08:48.402 Hey, buddy. Hey. 08:49.153 --> 08:50.655 Bruno. 08:51.572 --> 08:52.823 I missed you so much. 08:52.907 --> 08:54.909 Hey, buddy. Hey. 08:54.992 --> 08:56.327 Hey, pal. 08:56.410 --> 08:57.370 Come here, Bruno. 09:02.250 --> 09:04.001 Jake, try not to move. 09:04.085 --> 09:05.545 Stop! 09:05.628 --> 09:08.965 Lower your heart rate. Jake! Control your breath! 09:09.048 --> 09:10.967 Jake! He thinks you're Taliban! 09:11.050 --> 09:12.969 Try and stop him! 09:13.636 --> 09:16.472 There's absolutely nothing I can do, ma'am. He outranks me. 09:16.555 --> 09:19.642 -Jake, I love you! -That's beautiful, ma'am. 09:19.725 --> 09:21.978 Not everybody experiences love in this world. 09:22.061 --> 09:24.855 Make it stop! Make it stop! 09:24.939 --> 09:26.274 Your son's here. 09:26.357 --> 09:28.526 Close your eyes, son. You don't want to watch this. 09:28.609 --> 09:30.695 -He's gonna be okay. -Not gonna be okay. 09:31.946 --> 09:34.282 Well, just surrender to it now. 09:36.200 --> 09:38.744 Sorry, son. Your dad's dead. 09:38.828 --> 09:42.707 Lord in heaven, thank you so much for letting Jake serve with us. 09:43.291 --> 09:46.544 Amazing grace 09:46.627 --> 09:50.923 How sweet the sound 09:51.007 --> 09:55.886 That saved a wretch like me 09:55.970 --> 09:58.097 -Holy shit. Oh my God. -Jesus. 09:58.180 --> 09:59.515 Maybe he'll be okay. 09:59.598 --> 10:01.767 I don't think so. 10:02.768 --> 10:05.396 I don't know. Can we put something else on? 10:06.105 --> 10:08.107 -God. -I miss our dog. 10:08.691 --> 10:12.653 Do you think that we could love our baby as much as we love our dog? 10:12.737 --> 10:14.613 -That's a good question. -No way, right? 10:14.697 --> 10:18.075 -You know how cute it is when he-- -All right, you two. We're ready. 10:18.159 --> 10:21.245 So, Christina, Mary here will show you to the room for egg retrieval. 10:21.329 --> 10:23.247 -And, Tom, follow me. -Okay. 10:23.331 --> 10:26.125 -All right, Tom, here's your room. -It's okay, I'm okay. 10:26.208 --> 10:29.629 Hey, I love you. Have fun jerking off into a cup. 10:32.048 --> 10:33.341 Get in there. 10:33.424 --> 10:34.925 So we got everything you need. 10:35.009 --> 10:38.888 Uh, TV, remote, lots of selections, magazines… 10:38.971 --> 10:40.806 So how long does it take most people? 10:40.890 --> 10:44.018 Oh. Just, uh, take your time. But not too much time. 10:44.101 --> 10:47.646 We need the sample within the hour to prepare it for fertilization. 10:47.730 --> 10:48.773 Right. 10:49.273 --> 10:52.485 I'll try to be quick. Is there lube or anything? 10:52.568 --> 10:55.988 Well, lube has compounds that affect sperm mobility. 10:56.072 --> 10:57.907 -So… …yeah. -Oh, right. 10:59.450 --> 11:00.701 Are you staying? 11:00.785 --> 11:01.952 Oh, no. 11:02.036 --> 11:03.663 I was-- I was kidding. 11:04.163 --> 11:05.915 -Oh. -I was-- I was joking. 11:05.998 --> 11:08.959 Um, just press the button when you're done. 11:09.043 --> 11:10.044 Okay. 11:22.264 --> 11:23.307 Gross. 11:25.059 --> 11:26.769 Nope. No. 11:27.269 --> 11:28.270 No. 11:30.022 --> 11:32.733 So much acne. How am I gonna come to this? 11:42.034 --> 11:44.328 -Excuse me? -Hm? 11:44.412 --> 11:47.873 Um, are there any other, like, options? 11:47.957 --> 11:50.459 Oh, there's gay stuff in there. 11:51.335 --> 11:55.548 No, I meant, uh… I'm, I'm looking for better quality, 11:55.631 --> 11:58.759 production, stories, you know, hotter people. 12:00.094 --> 12:01.345 No. 12:01.929 --> 12:03.764 Okay. Sorry about that. 12:04.765 --> 12:07.435 Oh, fuck me! 12:07.518 --> 12:08.519 Yeah. 12:09.311 --> 12:10.813 Lick his balls. That's good. 12:10.896 --> 12:14.191 -Oh, yeah. -Oh my God. So much hair. 12:14.692 --> 12:17.278 Fuck, I bet it stinks. 12:17.361 --> 12:19.864 Yeah. Stinky little bitch. 12:19.947 --> 12:22.491 Yeah, you didn't go to high school, did you? 12:28.956 --> 12:29.999 Get in there. 12:30.082 --> 12:32.585 Here we go! 12:32.668 --> 12:33.836 Hi, Tommy. 12:33.919 --> 12:36.005 No! Mom! 12:36.630 --> 12:38.132 -Fuck! Mom! -Tommy? 12:38.215 --> 12:41.010 -What are you doing? -Hey! 12:41.093 --> 12:43.345 Oh my gosh, Tommy, what is that? That is disgusting. 12:43.429 --> 12:44.889 I didn't wanna answer the phone. 12:44.972 --> 12:47.016 Are you crazy? There is no chance you're showing-- 12:47.099 --> 12:50.561 I was-- I'm at a fertility clinic. I'm not just having an afternoon jerk. 12:50.644 --> 12:53.481 This is for a reason. I'm hoping to give you a grandson. 12:53.564 --> 12:55.691 -I saw your face, Tommy… -Please hang up. 12:55.775 --> 12:57.860 I saw your face too. Worst moment of my entire life. 12:57.943 --> 12:58.778 Can you hang up now? 12:58.861 --> 13:00.946 Who will do that in the middle of the day? 13:01.030 --> 13:05.034 I keep trying to fucking hit it, but my-- the-- my semen's on the phone. 13:05.117 --> 13:06.452 What? 13:06.535 --> 13:08.788 You've ruined this whole thing, okay? 13:09.538 --> 13:11.582 Yeah, I gotta fucking go. Please hang up now. 13:11.665 --> 13:13.751 -You are not my son! -Fuck, Mom! 13:13.834 --> 13:15.377 -Oh my gosh! -No! 'Cause I-- I didn't… 13:15.461 --> 13:17.046 -You are not my son! -Fuck! 13:17.129 --> 13:18.923 You are not my son! 13:21.258 --> 13:22.468 I'll take it. 13:23.052 --> 13:24.929 Okay? It's okay. 13:25.012 --> 13:26.680 It's okay. Thanks. 13:26.764 --> 13:28.015 Thank you. 13:28.098 --> 13:29.475 Congratulations, Dad. 13:30.059 --> 13:31.352 -Thanks. -Mm-hmm. 13:41.529 --> 13:43.155 -Wait, wait, wait. -Mm. 13:43.864 --> 13:45.533 I'm gonna need that back, actually. 13:45.616 --> 13:46.659 I-I'm sorry? 13:47.326 --> 13:49.787 -It's not a good batch. -Oh, is it contaminated? 13:50.579 --> 13:53.833 Well, yes. I mean, not in the way that you told me it might be, but yes. 13:53.916 --> 13:55.251 Well, how is it contaminated? 13:56.085 --> 13:59.755 Well, when I was doing what I was doing in there, at the critical moment, 13:59.839 --> 14:01.173 my mom called, 14:01.257 --> 14:04.218 and I saw her face as I was making the deposit. 14:05.010 --> 14:07.513 Oh, sir. That's not how biology works. 14:07.596 --> 14:09.306 Yeah, but no, no, no. I know. 14:09.390 --> 14:11.934 But here's the thing. There's bad energy in there, okay? 14:12.017 --> 14:14.019 I don't even wanna meet the person that that becomes. 14:14.103 --> 14:15.563 So I would like it back. 14:15.646 --> 14:17.273 Okay, that's ridiculous. 14:17.356 --> 14:20.276 And we don't have time for this. 14:20.359 --> 14:23.070 It belongs to me, and I would like it back now. 14:23.153 --> 14:24.196 So give it back to me. 14:24.280 --> 14:26.198 Sir, this is a medical sample. 14:26.282 --> 14:27.616 It came from my body. 14:27.700 --> 14:30.744 Well, your wife is ovulating right now, so it is a medical sample. 14:30.828 --> 14:32.746 -You're a semen demon. -What?! 14:32.830 --> 14:34.582 You realize that I came looking at my mother? 14:34.665 --> 14:36.041 Well, she must be a pretty lady. 14:36.125 --> 14:37.459 Gross! I want it back. 14:37.543 --> 14:40.045 -No! No, no! What are you doing? -Yes. 14:40.129 --> 14:42.506 No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no. 14:45.301 --> 14:47.303 -Hey! Wh-- -Sorry. 14:47.386 --> 14:48.304 She stole my cum. 14:48.887 --> 14:51.056 -She stole my cum cup. -Are you crazy, man? 14:53.183 --> 14:55.853 -No! No! -Get back here! 14:55.936 --> 14:57.396 -That's my semen! -Nope! 14:57.479 --> 14:59.064 Help! Security! 14:59.148 --> 15:00.190 My God! 15:00.274 --> 15:02.443 Somebody stop her! Stop her! 15:07.781 --> 15:08.866 Help! 15:24.840 --> 15:26.925 Sir, you can't be in here. 15:27.009 --> 15:30.220 Give me back my cum! 15:41.357 --> 15:43.233 Hey! Come back! Come back here! 15:43.317 --> 15:44.318 Oh shit. 15:47.696 --> 15:49.239 Let go. 15:49.323 --> 15:51.700 -Give me that semen. -No! No! Give it to me! 15:51.784 --> 15:53.285 -Asshole! -Give me that! 15:56.413 --> 15:58.290 Shit. 16:13.305 --> 16:14.723 Uh-uh. 16:24.775 --> 16:25.818 No, no, no! 16:27.653 --> 16:30.072 Fuck. 16:43.127 --> 16:45.462 -Is everything okay? -Oh, uh… 16:45.546 --> 16:47.214 I'm so sorry. 16:47.297 --> 16:49.091 There was a small hiccup, 16:49.174 --> 16:51.218 but we got everything, and we're good to go. 16:54.805 --> 16:56.181 Goddamn it. 16:57.850 --> 16:58.851 Tom? 17:07.735 --> 17:11.697 I win. 17:11.780 --> 17:13.615 Tom, what the fuck? 17:15.409 --> 17:16.410 Ugh. 17:17.161 --> 17:18.454 You don't like this? 17:18.537 --> 17:21.206 Dude. Well, I guess we're dog people now. o.