WEBVTT

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Where do you think you're going?

00:00:07.674 --> 00:00:10.010 align:center
-To my room! Ugh!
-I am not done talking to you!

00:00:10.093 --> 00:00:12.262 align:center
You never even try to understand me!

00:00:12.345 --> 00:00:14.806 align:center
I'm sorry I don't have
the perfect life like you do.

00:00:14.889 --> 00:00:17.350 align:center
You think my life is perfect?

00:00:17.434 --> 00:00:19.894 align:center
That just goes to show
what you understand.

00:00:19.978 --> 00:00:22.564 align:center
-You have it so easy, sweetie.
-Easy?

00:00:22.647 --> 00:00:25.859 align:center
-You couldn't last one day living my life.
-Are you kidding?

00:00:25.942 --> 00:00:27.652 align:center
Your life would be a vacation!

00:00:38.121 --> 00:00:39.205 align:center
Ugh.

00:00:40.165 --> 00:00:43.376 align:center
You couldn't last one day living my life.

00:00:43.460 --> 00:00:45.754 align:center
You never even try to understand me!

00:00:46.796 --> 00:00:49.966 align:center
You think my life is perfect?
That just goes to show…

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Your life would be a vacation!

00:00:55.805 --> 00:00:58.892 align:center
-I'm so old!
-How did this happen?

00:00:58.975 --> 00:01:02.562 align:center
-Oh my God, there's so much skin.
-I cannot believe that this is real!

00:01:02.645 --> 00:01:04.355 align:center
So let me get this straight.

00:01:04.439 --> 00:01:07.734 align:center
You guys had a fight
about how you don't understand each other.

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And then you went to sleep, and now…

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I'm her, and she's me!

00:01:12.739 --> 00:01:15.033 align:center
Wait! Ow.

00:01:15.116 --> 00:01:16.367 align:center
Why does my wrist hurt?

00:01:16.451 --> 00:01:19.370 align:center
-That's my arthritis! Honey, I'm sorry!
-Right?

00:01:19.454 --> 00:01:20.997 align:center
You can feel her arthritis?

00:01:21.081 --> 00:01:23.249 align:center
-Yes.
-That's remarkable.

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Oh my goodness. I mean…

00:01:26.127 --> 00:01:30.632 align:center
You're allergic to shellfish.
Does that mean you can have lobster now?

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I don't know.

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And will you dream about… her experiences?

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And if I, you know… with you,

00:01:43.019 --> 00:01:44.896 align:center
would that be with her?

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-What are you talking about, Bill?
-Baby, I'm a systems analyst.

00:01:48.817 --> 00:01:51.528 align:center
I'm just thinking about--
You know what? Forget I said anything.

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Okay.

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We have to fix this, Mom!

00:01:54.697 --> 00:01:57.492 align:center
My final audition
for Juilliard is tonight.

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If I don't go,
I'll never play violin professionally.

00:02:00.495 --> 00:02:03.081 align:center
-Oh my God.
-Okay, but seriously.

00:02:03.164 --> 00:02:06.459 align:center
How would this work
if we were really trying to figure it out?

00:02:06.543 --> 00:02:09.087 align:center
If you are her and you are her,

00:02:09.170 --> 00:02:12.048 align:center
then hypothetically,

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who would I choose if I had to?

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If it was like a life-or-death scenario?

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'Cause I'm trying to figure out
who it would make more sense to…

00:02:24.060 --> 00:02:24.936 align:center
You know?

00:02:26.604 --> 00:02:28.481 align:center
-To have sex with?
-What?!

00:02:28.565 --> 00:02:31.442 align:center
Hey, jeez, don't say that
in front of Kelly… or Nancy.

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You see what I--? This is so confusing.
Just forget I said anything.

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-Keep doing what you were doing.
-Okay, we'll try. Back to what matters.

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But, but, but…

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-I don't think I should have sex with you.
-Jesus.

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Because while you are my wife's body,

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my daughter is inside, and no, thank you.

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-Ew, ew, ew!
-What the hell, Bill?

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What?

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I thought we were all trying to figure out
the rules of this magical event. Am I…?

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All right, let's just move on. My bad.

00:02:58.219 --> 00:03:01.764 align:center
Okay, honey, honey, honey,
will you at least try to teach me?

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Teach you how to play Tchaikovsky
in a day? Are you crazy?

00:03:05.685 --> 00:03:08.062 align:center
I'm not trying to fuck my daughter.
For the record.

00:03:08.980 --> 00:03:11.733 align:center
What? Is that not a good thing?

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That I want to not fuck my daughter?

00:03:14.569 --> 00:03:15.695 align:center
That's great, Bill.

00:03:15.778 --> 00:03:18.698 align:center
Great, wish granted.
Are you ready to move on?

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Yes. You can see
why it's confusing, right?

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But honestly, we'll just--
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

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Why would we ever get to that bridge, Dad?

00:03:29.500 --> 00:03:31.961 align:center
We won't. We absolutely won't.

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Assuming everything goes back
to the way it was.

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But when will that be?

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It could be days,
it could be months, it could be years.

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-It's been three minutes, Dad!
-I'm trying to stay ahead of it.

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Okay, will you just stop talking
about fucking us?!

00:03:46.142 --> 00:03:48.353 align:center
Honey, she's not new to sex.

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She's been seeing
that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now,

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and I found a used condom in the trash.

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-Oh my God, Dad! Don't go through my shit!
-Wait…

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Okay, I'm sorry.

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-God. Okay…
-Wait, what about my presentation? I…

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I mean, I love you,
but there is zero chance

00:04:03.534 --> 00:04:06.037 align:center
you're gonna be able to explain
to the national grocery chain

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the financial upside of putting
Smucker's jelly on their end caps.

00:04:09.123 --> 00:04:11.751 align:center
-What?
-I'm gonna get fired.

00:04:11.834 --> 00:04:14.379 align:center
-Blowjobs are off the table.
-What the fuck?!

00:04:14.462 --> 00:04:16.965 align:center
Off the table. Don't you agree?

00:04:17.048 --> 00:04:19.926 align:center
I can't look down
and see my wiener in my daughter's mouth.

00:04:20.009 --> 00:04:22.845 align:center
-Oh, make it stop! Oh my God!
-I'm trying.

00:04:22.929 --> 00:04:24.430 align:center
Jeez Louise!

00:04:24.514 --> 00:04:28.226 align:center
I'm trying to tell you, no blowjobs.
I'm not doing it.

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At least not now.

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Maybe after some time,

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we'll all feel differently,
and we can reconvene then.

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God! Can you just
get the fuck out of here, Dad?

00:04:38.277 --> 00:04:40.154 align:center
Okay, I can take a hint.

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I'm gonna go upstairs,
see if the cat's fed.

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You ladies, do your thing.

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Okay. Wait!

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-I know what we can do!
-You do?

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I'm gonna go to the presentation.
But I'll just put my hair down like this,

00:04:52.458 --> 00:04:55.878 align:center
and I'll hide an AirPod in my ear,
and you just tell me what to say.

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That… that's actually great.

00:04:58.131 --> 00:04:59.465 align:center
-Yeah.
-Yes! Oh!

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Wow. When did my daughter
become so brilliant?

00:05:03.136 --> 00:05:04.887 align:center
Maybe you just had to look
a little harder.

00:05:05.555 --> 00:05:08.266 align:center
Threesome in the dark! I figured it out.

00:05:08.349 --> 00:05:10.727 align:center
I do my best thinking on the stairs.

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Think about it.
Threesome in the dark, right?

00:05:13.187 --> 00:05:16.983 align:center
I won't know whose mouth or hands
are touching what or doing what.

00:05:17.066 --> 00:05:19.360 align:center
You stay quiet. It's perfect.

00:05:19.444 --> 00:05:20.987 align:center
Threesome in the dark.

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Hm? All right, we'll talk about it later.
Just process it.

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-Mom. Seriously?
-Mm. Mm-hmm.

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I cannot believe how you put up
with that fucking disgusting pig.

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How do you even get through each day,
let alone prepare for a presentation?

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Me? I mean, I can't believe
you've turned out relatively normal

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with that lunatic as your father.

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I mean, any other girl would be in a ditch
with 20 needles sticking out of her arms.

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Guess I never really understood
how hard it was to be you.

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I think that makes two of us.

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What… what… what…?

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I'm me!

00:06:06.032 --> 00:06:07.200 align:center
Mom, Mom, I'm me!

00:06:07.283 --> 00:06:10.787 align:center
-Oh, we're back, thank God.
-I can still do my audition.

00:06:10.870 --> 00:06:13.039 align:center
And I can get ready for my presentation!

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-I love you.
-I love you.

00:06:15.541 --> 00:06:17.418 align:center
-Good luck! Thank you.
-Good luck, Mama!

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What's happening?

00:06:24.425 --> 00:06:27.387 align:center
Why am I in this old man's body?

00:06:28.429 --> 00:06:29.430 align:center
Hey, bae.

00:06:29.514 --> 00:06:32.308 align:center
It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle.

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Ew!

00:06:43.402 --> 00:06:45.947 align:center
Good morning, everybody!

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The Lord has blessed us
with another beautiful day

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for y'all to give thanks to me,
Master Murphy,

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for giving you the opportunity
to actually do some work

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and do something productive with your life

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instead of acting
like every day is a vacation,

00:07:03.297 --> 00:07:07.635 align:center
so you can rid yourself
of the devil's grip on your loins

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and actually do some digging
and hauling and work for me.

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In Jesus' name, amen.

00:07:15.810 --> 00:07:17.186 align:center
That's a good prayer.

00:07:18.187 --> 00:07:19.814 align:center
Get your ass back to work now.

00:07:20.982 --> 00:07:24.110 align:center
You know what?
I might need to get me my money back.

00:07:24.193 --> 00:07:27.613 align:center
Ain't nothing worse
than a slave who can't churn butter.

00:07:28.364 --> 00:07:31.242 align:center
Me and my family
have been eating dry toast for a month.

00:07:31.325 --> 00:07:33.244 align:center
That's nothin'.

00:07:33.327 --> 00:07:35.204 align:center
My house been chilly for weeks

00:07:35.288 --> 00:07:39.625 align:center
'cause none of my negroes
can chop wood to save their goddamn lives.

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-Mm.
-Yeah, well, that ain't shit.

00:07:44.422 --> 00:07:46.007 align:center
No matter what I do,

00:07:46.090 --> 00:07:48.134 align:center
no matter what I try,

00:07:48.217 --> 00:07:51.929 align:center
mine just keep rearranging my furniture.

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Started with a chair, then my chifforobe.

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That was there.

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Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor.

00:08:00.730 --> 00:08:01.564 align:center
Hm.

00:08:01.647 --> 00:08:04.609 align:center
Saying the color palette
clashes with the drapes.

00:08:04.692 --> 00:08:06.569 align:center
How fucking dare he?

00:08:09.530 --> 00:08:11.240 align:center
Yeah, uh…

00:08:11.866 --> 00:08:14.869 align:center
Oh. I almost forgot.

00:08:14.952 --> 00:08:17.413 align:center
Well, the other morning,
I walked into my kitchen.

00:08:17.496 --> 00:08:19.332 align:center
One of my little jibbity bugs

00:08:19.415 --> 00:08:23.753 align:center
had the audacity to be singing
one of his little songs in my house.

00:08:23.836 --> 00:08:27.548 align:center
-One of his spirituals, "Amazing…"
-"Amazing Grace."

00:08:27.632 --> 00:08:30.051 align:center
-That's the one.
-Amazing bullshit!

00:08:30.134 --> 00:08:32.803 align:center
Mm-hmm. That and the daddy song.

00:08:35.681 --> 00:08:37.141 align:center
The daddy song?

00:08:38.059 --> 00:08:39.644 align:center
The daddy song.

00:08:40.561 --> 00:08:42.146 align:center
Mm, no.

00:08:42.230 --> 00:08:44.357 align:center
You know, the goddamn daddy song?

00:08:45.233 --> 00:08:49.862 align:center
Where they take you out there by the water
with the picnic, and they spin around,

00:08:49.946 --> 00:08:52.073 align:center
and they start doing the, you know…

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You are my daddy, I love my daddy

00:08:57.161 --> 00:09:01.207 align:center
It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

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I love all you, 'cause you're my daddy

00:09:05.795 --> 00:09:10.800 align:center
It's all for you
'Cause you're my baby

00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:15.513 align:center
You are my baby, I love my daddy

00:09:15.596 --> 00:09:18.516 align:center
I mean, goddamn.
How much do you love your daddy

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to make a whole goddamn song
about him like that?

00:09:20.851 --> 00:09:23.104 align:center
I guess it's kinda nice, but all day long?

00:09:23.187 --> 00:09:25.106 align:center
I don't have time for this shit.

00:09:25.731 --> 00:09:27.275 align:center
I mean, I enjoy his company,

00:09:27.358 --> 00:09:29.777 align:center
but it's too much
of a commitment, you know?

00:09:32.196 --> 00:09:35.741 align:center
-Okay.
-Yeah, um…

00:09:35.825 --> 00:09:38.953 align:center
Oh! Y'all not gonna believe this.

00:09:39.036 --> 00:09:43.416 align:center
One of them coal crawlers
had the gall to talk back to me.

00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:47.712 align:center
Boy, I cracked that whip so hard,
they heard it all the way down in Biloxi.

00:09:47.795 --> 00:09:50.131 align:center
Ooh, I know all about that.

00:09:51.215 --> 00:09:54.969 align:center
I whipped one of mine so hard,
the boy started moaning.

00:09:57.638 --> 00:09:59.557 align:center
Oh yeah.

00:10:00.558 --> 00:10:01.892 align:center
Moaning?

00:10:01.976 --> 00:10:03.436 align:center
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:05.688 align:center
Moaning like how?

00:10:06.314 --> 00:10:07.481 align:center
Sort of like…

00:10:13.029 --> 00:10:16.532 align:center
"Oh yeah."

00:10:16.616 --> 00:10:21.454 align:center
"Oh, I'm close, daddy.
Can you give me one more?"

00:10:21.537 --> 00:10:23.247 align:center
"Ooh."

00:10:23.331 --> 00:10:27.043 align:center
"Yeah, I like that."

00:10:27.126 --> 00:10:30.880 align:center
"I've been bad for you today."

00:10:38.637 --> 00:10:40.389 align:center
"Please, please."

00:10:40.973 --> 00:10:44.435 align:center
"One more. One more so I can release…"

00:10:46.437 --> 00:10:47.563 align:center
You know?

00:10:47.646 --> 00:10:49.065 align:center
Like that.

00:10:50.650 --> 00:10:54.695 align:center
I whipped him so hard,
the boy's nut hit the floor.

00:10:55.446 --> 00:10:57.990 align:center
His seed hit the floor.

00:10:58.908 --> 00:11:01.911 align:center
-He came on the floor.
-No, no, no, we heard you, Murphy.

00:11:01.994 --> 00:11:05.665 align:center
All your boys be doin' this?

00:11:06.457 --> 00:11:08.626 align:center
No, just one of 'em.

00:11:10.503 --> 00:11:14.090 align:center
Hey, uh, you ever think that maybe…

00:11:15.383 --> 00:11:16.550 align:center
Nah, never mind.

00:11:17.802 --> 00:11:18.719 align:center
What?

00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:20.930 align:center
Murphy, uh,

00:11:21.472 --> 00:11:25.559 align:center
I think your boy might be… a little sweet.

00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:27.520 align:center
Sweet?

00:11:28.688 --> 00:11:29.647 align:center
Like, how?

00:11:31.565 --> 00:11:33.275 align:center
I ain't no doctor,

00:11:33.359 --> 00:11:39.699 align:center
but I have heard that sometimes
men can prefer the company of other men.

00:11:41.742 --> 00:11:43.327 align:center
I prefer the company of other men.

00:11:43.411 --> 00:11:44.954 align:center
No one hates women as much as me.

00:11:45.037 --> 00:11:48.040 align:center
No. No, I don't think
that's what he means, Murphy.

00:11:48.124 --> 00:11:53.629 align:center
I'm saying, I think your boy
may favor menfolk for his fornications.

00:11:53.713 --> 00:11:55.423 align:center
You got yourself a fella-fucker.

00:11:56.799 --> 00:11:59.885 align:center
Murphy, think long and hard.

00:12:00.636 --> 00:12:03.389 align:center
Have you noticed anything else funny?

00:12:05.516 --> 00:12:07.685 align:center
No, I don't think so.

00:12:07.768 --> 00:12:09.895 align:center
Mm! So warm.

00:12:09.979 --> 00:12:12.022 align:center
Your hands are so soft for a man.

00:12:12.940 --> 00:12:14.733 align:center
Scrub my hole now.

00:12:14.817 --> 00:12:17.820 align:center
-Any funny business with your daughter?
-My daughter?

00:12:17.903 --> 00:12:22.032 align:center
And if she ever show her face,
you best know I'm gonna say something.

00:12:22.116 --> 00:12:24.910 align:center
Ooh, girl, stop! You crazy.

00:12:26.495 --> 00:12:28.956 align:center
-Just a little bit.
-She look like a pretty horse.

00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:29.915 align:center
Hi, Daddy!

00:12:29.999 --> 00:12:32.418 align:center
No, but she kind of fat anyway.

00:12:32.501 --> 00:12:37.548 align:center
I don't think negroes enjoy the company
of heavyset white women, right?

00:12:37.631 --> 00:12:40.342 align:center
My goodness. This is lovely.

00:12:40.426 --> 00:12:41.260 align:center
You made this?

00:12:41.343 --> 00:12:44.013 align:center
-I made it for you.
-I feel like prancing.

00:12:44.096 --> 00:12:45.473 align:center
I'm not sure on the marble.

00:12:45.556 --> 00:12:48.726 align:center
It's between the Calacatta
and the Danby for me.

00:12:49.310 --> 00:12:52.021 align:center
I prefer the Danby.
It's local, from Vermont.

00:12:52.104 --> 00:12:53.272 align:center
I love that.

00:12:53.355 --> 00:12:55.816 align:center
What the hell is an open floor plan?

00:12:55.900 --> 00:12:58.694 align:center
-I know you sure as hell don't know.
-What?!

00:12:59.278 --> 00:13:01.489 align:center
-Relax.
-Okay.

00:13:01.572 --> 00:13:04.950 align:center
You, for one,
do not tell me when to relax.

00:13:05.034 --> 00:13:07.119 align:center
I relax when I want to relax.

00:13:08.370 --> 00:13:09.330 align:center
I'm going to relax.

00:13:09.413 --> 00:13:12.374 align:center
I mean,
I think it's pretty cut and dry, Murphy.

00:13:12.458 --> 00:13:16.670 align:center
The boy ejaculated when you whipped him.

00:13:16.754 --> 00:13:19.548 align:center
I think Murphy's got himself a boyfriend!

00:13:21.050 --> 00:13:24.220 align:center
-No, I-- No, I don't.
-His moon donkey's a sugarfoot!

00:13:24.303 --> 00:13:26.680 align:center
That's not true.

00:13:26.764 --> 00:13:29.558 align:center
Y'all are sitting around reading poetry
to each other by candlelight.

00:13:30.518 --> 00:13:32.561 align:center
-I like poetry.
-I bet you do!

00:13:32.645 --> 00:13:36.732 align:center
Y'all reading the same books,
then talking about what's in the books?

00:13:37.900 --> 00:13:40.361 align:center
He's in a domestic partnership!

00:13:40.945 --> 00:13:45.282 align:center
Murphy, you are a dumb motherfucker!

00:13:45.366 --> 00:13:46.492 align:center
Here are your papers.

00:13:46.575 --> 00:13:50.496 align:center
Now take your shit
and get your fella-fuckin' ass up north.

00:13:50.579 --> 00:13:53.332 align:center
-I don't want no part of this business.
-Baby.

00:13:53.415 --> 00:13:57.837 align:center
I don't want to be free
if it means I can't be with you no more.

00:13:57.920 --> 00:13:59.296 align:center
-Please, baby--
-No.

00:13:59.380 --> 00:14:00.631 align:center
No! Gross!

00:14:01.382 --> 00:14:04.718 align:center
Everybody made fun of me,
and they laughed.

00:14:04.802 --> 00:14:07.847 align:center
And they called me "the darkie diddler."
I thought we were friends.

00:14:07.930 --> 00:14:10.432 align:center
Jerry and Thomas, they think I'm sweet.

00:14:10.516 --> 00:14:14.478 align:center
I ain't sweet. I hate everybody.
And you was the only friend I ever had.

00:14:14.562 --> 00:14:17.982 align:center
And now I hate you too.
You think I like that? I don't.

00:14:18.065 --> 00:14:19.608 align:center
And I ain't no diddler.

00:14:19.692 --> 00:14:23.529 align:center
So take your ass, and go up north
where they diddle all day. Go! Shoo!

00:14:24.238 --> 00:14:26.115 align:center
Get out of here! Get!

00:14:26.699 --> 00:14:29.618 align:center
Go diddle up north, you hear?
Yankees love that shit.

00:14:32.204 --> 00:14:33.163 align:center
Go!

00:14:33.247 --> 00:14:36.584 align:center
A man and another man? To use that hole…

00:14:43.591 --> 00:14:45.426 align:center
What a dumb motherfucker.

00:14:46.594 --> 00:14:49.346 align:center
I can't believe that shit worked.

00:14:49.430 --> 00:14:52.224 align:center
Virgil a goddamn genius.

00:14:52.808 --> 00:14:54.268 align:center
-Come on, baby.
-Okay.

00:14:54.351 --> 00:14:56.353 align:center
I'mma take your big ass up north with me.

00:14:56.437 --> 00:14:59.648 align:center
Anything you say, chocolate daddy.

00:15:03.819 --> 00:15:06.280 align:center
Hey, Master Murphy.

00:15:06.363 --> 00:15:08.157 align:center
Oh really? You think this is funny, huh?

00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:09.950 align:center
How about you bend over,

00:15:10.034 --> 00:15:14.955 align:center
and you stick your pole into his dirt hole
and let's see what happens.

00:15:16.790 --> 00:15:18.959 align:center
That's what I fuckin' thought.
Get your ass back to work.

00:15:19.835 --> 00:15:22.212 align:center
-Come on. What is that?
-Hey, man. You ain't commit, bro.

00:15:22.296 --> 00:15:23.756 align:center
We said we were gonna kiss.

00:15:31.180 --> 00:15:33.307 align:center
It's always the same shit, you know?

00:15:33.390 --> 00:15:37.645 align:center
Like, it's people who are just deciding
that they're upset for whatever reason.

00:15:37.728 --> 00:15:38.646 align:center
I have no idea.

00:15:38.729 --> 00:15:41.690 align:center
And I don't think I've done anything
to elicit that response.

00:15:41.774 --> 00:15:44.735 align:center
I'm just the one
who happens to be caught in the moment

00:15:44.818 --> 00:15:47.571 align:center
when somebody is there trying to explode

00:15:47.655 --> 00:15:50.491 align:center
or vent their own frustrations
about their own lives on me.

00:15:50.574 --> 00:15:52.117 align:center
I think it's bullshit, you know?

00:15:52.201 --> 00:15:53.702 align:center
Okay. I hear you.

00:15:54.745 --> 00:15:58.248 align:center
Can you pinpoint a recent moment
where you lost control?

00:15:58.332 --> 00:16:00.417 align:center
I didn't lose control.

00:16:00.501 --> 00:16:01.752 align:center
I was provoked.

00:16:01.835 --> 00:16:04.505 align:center
You said this incident
has been sitting with you.

00:16:04.588 --> 00:16:06.882 align:center
'Cause it's the same thing every day.

00:16:06.966 --> 00:16:10.427 align:center
Different face. Same entitled rich guy.

00:16:11.553 --> 00:16:13.514 align:center
Why don't you take me through
what happened?

00:16:14.848 --> 00:16:15.974 align:center
Gladly.

00:16:16.058 --> 00:16:16.976 align:center
Sure.

00:16:21.397 --> 00:16:22.314 align:center
Hi, how's it going?

00:16:22.398 --> 00:16:24.191 align:center
Hello, you poor old bitch.

00:16:24.274 --> 00:16:27.569 align:center
No, that bag is not going on my plane.

00:16:27.653 --> 00:16:28.821 align:center
Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

00:16:28.904 --> 00:16:31.365 align:center
and I apologize in advance
for the inconvenience,

00:16:31.448 --> 00:16:33.617 align:center
but we are gonna have
to check your carry-on.

00:16:33.701 --> 00:16:34.576 align:center
…motherfucker…

00:16:34.660 --> 00:16:37.788 align:center
She zeroed in on me like she'd been
waiting all day for this motherfucker.

00:16:37.871 --> 00:16:40.541 align:center
He didn't hear a word I said after "no."

00:16:40.624 --> 00:16:42.209 align:center
I'm sorry. I don't understand.

00:16:42.292 --> 00:16:44.962 align:center
I've carried this luggage onto planes
dozens of times.

00:16:45.045 --> 00:16:46.880 align:center
This is preposterous!

00:16:46.964 --> 00:16:49.842 align:center
How dare you be so ignorant and rude!

00:16:49.925 --> 00:16:54.680 align:center
Get your fat fucking bald white ass
out of my fucking face,

00:16:54.763 --> 00:16:56.181 align:center
you fucking fat bitch boy!

00:16:56.265 --> 00:16:59.768 align:center
Again, I'm so sorry, sir,
but due to weight and balance limits,

00:16:59.852 --> 00:17:03.272 align:center
we need to check your bag
so the plane can take off safely.

00:17:03.355 --> 00:17:05.566 align:center
Is your Chinese ass
really going to do this right now?

00:17:05.649 --> 00:17:07.276 align:center
Ma'am, I don't understand.

00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:10.070 align:center
Is your Chinese ass
really gonna do this right now?

00:17:10.154 --> 00:17:13.198 align:center
I'm sorry, sir,
it's… it's really not up to me.

00:17:13.282 --> 00:17:14.658 align:center
Also, I'm Korean.

00:17:14.742 --> 00:17:18.829 align:center
I'm Korean, motherfucker!
Korean! You ever hear of it?

00:17:18.912 --> 00:17:22.708 align:center
Now, unless you got a smaller bag
inside that big-ass bag,

00:17:22.791 --> 00:17:24.710 align:center
I don't know what the fuck
we are talking about!

00:17:24.793 --> 00:17:27.546 align:center
Do you? You have a smaller bag
in that giant-ass bag?

00:17:27.629 --> 00:17:28.756 align:center
Let's check it out!

00:17:28.839 --> 00:17:30.549 align:center
Move over, bitch tits. Let's check it out.

00:17:30.632 --> 00:17:36.263 align:center
Let's check out if there is actually
a smaller bag inside this big-ass bag!

00:17:36.346 --> 00:17:38.766 align:center
I don't think there's gonna be-- Oh no…!

00:17:38.849 --> 00:17:41.810 align:center
My name is Tom Segura. I'm at the airport.

00:17:41.894 --> 00:17:43.645 align:center
No, I do see this!

00:17:43.729 --> 00:17:47.566 align:center
And this vicious woman
is violating my personal space.

00:17:47.649 --> 00:17:50.402 align:center
Smell like asshole to me!

00:17:50.486 --> 00:17:52.071 align:center
I'm gonna put this on Twitter.

00:17:52.154 --> 00:17:57.034 align:center
And if you take one more step,
you will lose your job!

00:17:57.117 --> 00:17:59.244 align:center
Sir, please.

00:17:59.328 --> 00:18:01.914 align:center
It's for the safety
of the other passengers.

00:18:01.997 --> 00:18:03.373 align:center
-Thief!
-Okay, you know what?

00:18:03.457 --> 00:18:05.626 align:center
-You see a smaller bag in here?
-Rape!

00:18:05.709 --> 00:18:08.087 align:center
-No, ma'am.
-You see one? Do you, bitch boy?

00:18:08.170 --> 00:18:09.171 align:center
I don't.

00:18:09.254 --> 00:18:11.840 align:center
-I didn't think so, bitch-tit boy!
-I feel violated!

00:18:11.924 --> 00:18:13.801 align:center
Fuck you, you little evil shit.

00:18:15.177 --> 00:18:18.013 align:center
I see. So, if you…

00:18:18.097 --> 00:18:20.224 align:center
-Oh, no. He wasn't done.
-Oh, no. She wasn't done.

00:18:20.307 --> 00:18:21.642 align:center
Kept crowing at me like a bird.

00:18:21.725 --> 00:18:22.810 align:center
This piece of shit…

00:18:22.893 --> 00:18:25.020 align:center
Like a shitty bird
with a shitty voice, you know?

00:18:25.104 --> 00:18:26.105 align:center
…was just getting started.

00:18:26.188 --> 00:18:27.022 align:center
The ones you shoot.

00:18:27.106 --> 00:18:29.024 align:center
Oh. Mm…

00:18:29.108 --> 00:18:32.694 align:center
Ma'am, I need you to speak English.

00:18:32.778 --> 00:18:34.863 align:center
Because if I'm being transparent
right now,

00:18:34.947 --> 00:18:38.826 align:center
nothing you are saying
is making any sense to me.

00:18:42.329 --> 00:18:43.580 align:center
Of course, sir.

00:18:43.664 --> 00:18:45.165 align:center
I can slow it down.

00:18:45.249 --> 00:18:48.210 align:center
Stop crying, you bitch boy!

00:18:48.293 --> 00:18:51.046 align:center
-Is that in your dialect?
-Is that slow enough for you?

00:18:51.129 --> 00:18:53.966 align:center
-I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one.
-Oh! Oh, you crying?!

00:18:54.049 --> 00:18:55.509 align:center
-That's nice.
-Oh, you crying!

00:18:55.592 --> 00:18:59.304 align:center
Oh, this is so sad for you!
Oh, everybody check it out!

00:18:59.388 --> 00:19:02.099 align:center
She doesn't know I'm rich.

00:19:02.182 --> 00:19:04.977 align:center
Oh, you crying, bitch boy?

00:19:05.060 --> 00:19:06.436 align:center
Oh, I need my mommy!

00:19:06.520 --> 00:19:08.105 align:center
-I need to suck on my mommy…
-Nice touch.

00:19:08.188 --> 00:19:10.482 align:center
I'm in boat shoes, you Philistine.

00:19:10.566 --> 00:19:11.733 align:center
I'm not crying.

00:19:11.817 --> 00:19:15.571 align:center
This is the funniest thing
to happen to me since my second abortion!

00:19:15.654 --> 00:19:17.698 align:center
And how did that make you feel?

00:19:18.574 --> 00:19:19.449 align:center
Bad.

00:19:19.533 --> 00:19:21.535 align:center
And what did you want in that moment?

00:19:22.369 --> 00:19:24.788 align:center
To not be treated like a problem for…

00:19:24.872 --> 00:19:26.790 align:center
-Following the rules.
-Doing my job.

00:19:26.874 --> 00:19:29.001 align:center
Okay, I get that.

00:19:29.084 --> 00:19:31.003 align:center
So, after talking this all out,

00:19:31.086 --> 00:19:33.505 align:center
how do you think
the other person may have felt?

00:19:41.513 --> 00:19:43.807 align:center
You think you're better than me?!

00:19:43.891 --> 00:19:46.643 align:center
I'm the white devil!

00:19:47.644 --> 00:19:51.023 align:center
Remember during COVID when everyone
was shitting all over Asian people?

00:19:51.106 --> 00:19:54.484 align:center
Blaming it on you guys? That wasn't me.
I didn't do that. I went to a march.

00:19:54.568 --> 00:19:57.237 align:center
And I… And I posted.
I posted a yellow square.

00:19:57.321 --> 00:19:59.072 align:center
I know, sir.

00:19:59.156 --> 00:20:00.782 align:center
Thank you for flying Delta.

00:20:00.866 --> 00:20:03.535 align:center
Okay. That's our time.

00:20:04.119 --> 00:20:06.413 align:center
So, how are you feeling
right now as we end?

00:20:07.873 --> 00:20:08.874 align:center
Whatever.

00:20:09.750 --> 00:20:12.461 align:center
-Fine.
-I wish these sessions were longer.

00:20:13.629 --> 00:20:15.839 align:center
Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour.

00:20:18.508 --> 00:20:21.261 align:center
What a fucking baby.

00:20:21.345 --> 00:20:22.930 align:center
What a little bitch.

00:20:24.181 --> 00:20:25.015 align:center
Next!

00:20:26.600 --> 00:20:27.559 align:center
-Hi.
-Hi.

00:20:27.643 --> 00:20:30.103 align:center
I was wondering,
are they serving a meal on this flight?

00:20:30.187 --> 00:20:32.105 align:center
Yes, for first-class passengers.

00:20:32.189 --> 00:20:33.941 align:center
-Great, thanks.
-Yeah.

00:20:34.024 --> 00:20:36.151 align:center
Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir.

00:20:36.235 --> 00:20:38.654 align:center
We're gonna need to check your bag.

00:20:38.737 --> 00:20:40.697 align:center
-Really?
-Yeah.

00:20:41.615 --> 00:20:43.992 align:center
Are you sure? I always travel with this.

00:20:44.076 --> 00:20:46.870 align:center
-Leave it there. I'll take care of it.
-Okay.

00:20:46.954 --> 00:20:48.205 align:center
Thanks.

00:20:48.288 --> 00:20:49.248 align:center
Thanks.

00:20:54.002 --> 00:20:56.964 align:center
This is for you

00:20:57.047 --> 00:20:59.967 align:center
I love my daddy

00:21:00.050 --> 00:21:05.973 align:center
It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

00:21:06.056 --> 00:21:09.309 align:center
This is for you

00:21:09.393 --> 00:21:12.396 align:center
I love my daddy

00:21:12.479 --> 00:21:18.694 align:center
It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

00:21:30.789 --> 00:21:33.917 align:center
This is for you

00:21:34.001 --> 00:21:37.421 align:center
'Cause you're my daddy

00:21:40.132 --> 00:21:40.966 align:center
Do you like it?
daddy