WEBVTT

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Where do you think you're going?

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-To my room! Ugh!
-I am not done talking to you!

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You never even try to understand me!

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I'm sorry I don't have
the perfect life like you do.

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You think my life is perfect?

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That just goes to show
what you understand.

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-You have it so easy, sweetie.
-Easy?

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-You couldn't last one day living my life.
-Are you kidding?

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Your life would be a vacation!

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Ugh.

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You couldn't last one day living my life.

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You never even try to understand me!

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You think my life is perfect?
That just goes to show…

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Your life would be a vacation!

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-I'm so old!
-How did this happen?

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-Oh my God, there's so much skin.
-I cannot believe that this is real!

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So let me get this straight.

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You guys had a fight
about how you don't understand each other.

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And then you went to sleep, and now…

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I'm her, and she's me!

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Wait! Ow.

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Why does my wrist hurt?

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-That's my arthritis! Honey, I'm sorry!
-Right?

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You can feel her arthritis?

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-Yes.
-That's remarkable.

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Oh my goodness. I mean…

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You're allergic to shellfish.
Does that mean you can have lobster now?

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I don't know.

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And will you dream about… her experiences?

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And if I, you know… with you,

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would that be with her?

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-What are you talking about, Bill?
-Baby, I'm a systems analyst.

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I'm just thinking about--
You know what? Forget I said anything.

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Okay.

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We have to fix this, Mom!

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My final audition
for Juilliard is tonight.

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If I don't go,
I'll never play violin professionally.

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-Oh my God.
-Okay, but seriously.

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How would this work
if we were really trying to figure it out?

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If you are her and you are her,

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then hypothetically,

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who would I choose if I had to?

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If it was like a life-or-death scenario?

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'Cause I'm trying to figure out
who it would make more sense to…

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You know?

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-To have sex with?
-What?!

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Hey, jeez, don't say that
in front of Kelly… or Nancy.

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You see what I--? This is so confusing.
Just forget I said anything.

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-Keep doing what you were doing.
-Okay, we'll try. Back to what matters.

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But, but, but…

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-I don't think I should have sex with you.
-Jesus.

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Because while you are my wife's body,

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my daughter is inside, and no, thank you.

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-Ew, ew, ew!
-What the hell, Bill?

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What?

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I thought we were all trying to figure out
the rules of this magical event. Am I…?

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All right, let's just move on. My bad.

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Okay, honey, honey, honey,
will you at least try to teach me?

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Teach you how to play Tchaikovsky
in a day? Are you crazy?

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I'm not trying to fuck my daughter.
For the record.

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What? Is that not a good thing?

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That I want to not fuck my daughter?

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That's great, Bill.

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Great, wish granted.
Are you ready to move on?

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Yes. You can see
why it's confusing, right?

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But honestly, we'll just--
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

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Why would we ever get to that bridge, Dad?

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We won't. We absolutely won't.

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Assuming everything goes back
to the way it was.

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But when will that be?

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It could be days,
it could be months, it could be years.

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-It's been three minutes, Dad!
-I'm trying to stay ahead of it.

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Okay, will you just stop talking
about fucking us?!

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Honey, she's not new to sex.

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She's been seeing
that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now,

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and I found a used condom in the trash.

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-Oh my God, Dad! Don't go through my shit!
-Wait…

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Okay, I'm sorry.

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-God. Okay…
-Wait, what about my presentation? I…

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I mean, I love you,
but there is zero chance

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you're gonna be able to explain
to the national grocery chain

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the financial upside of putting
Smucker's jelly on their end caps.

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-What?
-I'm gonna get fired.

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-Blowjobs are off the table.
-What the fuck?!

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Off the table. Don't you agree?

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I can't look down
and see my wiener in my daughter's mouth.

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-Oh, make it stop! Oh my God!
-I'm trying.

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Jeez Louise!

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I'm trying to tell you, no blowjobs.
I'm not doing it.

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At least not now.

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Maybe after some time,

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we'll all feel differently,
and we can reconvene then.

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God! Can you just
get the fuck out of here, Dad?

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Okay, I can take a hint.

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I'm gonna go upstairs,
see if the cat's fed.

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You ladies, do your thing.

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Okay. Wait!

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-I know what we can do!
-You do?

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I'm gonna go to the presentation.
But I'll just put my hair down like this,

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and I'll hide an AirPod in my ear,
and you just tell me what to say.

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That… that's actually great.

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-Yeah.
-Yes! Oh!

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Wow. When did my daughter
become so brilliant?

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Maybe you just had to look
a little harder.

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Threesome in the dark! I figured it out.

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I do my best thinking on the stairs.

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Think about it.
Threesome in the dark, right?

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I won't know whose mouth or hands
are touching what or doing what.

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You stay quiet. It's perfect.

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Threesome in the dark.

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Hm? All right, we'll talk about it later.
Just process it.

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-Mom. Seriously?
-Mm. Mm-hmm.

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I cannot believe how you put up
with that fucking disgusting pig.

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How do you even get through each day,
let alone prepare for a presentation?

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Me? I mean, I can't believe
you've turned out relatively normal

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with that lunatic as your father.

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I mean, any other girl would be in a ditch
with 20 needles sticking out of her arms.

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Guess I never really understood
how hard it was to be you.

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I think that makes two of us.

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What… what… what…?

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I'm me!

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Mom, Mom, I'm me!

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-Oh, we're back, thank God.
-I can still do my audition.

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And I can get ready for my presentation!

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-I love you.
-I love you.

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-Good luck! Thank you.
-Good luck, Mama!

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What's happening?

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Why am I in this old man's body?

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Hey, bae.

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It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle.

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Ew!

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Good morning, everybody!

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The Lord has blessed us
with another beautiful day

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for y'all to give thanks to me,
Master Murphy,

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for giving you the opportunity
to actually do some work

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and do something productive with your life

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instead of acting
like every day is a vacation,

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so you can rid yourself
of the devil's grip on your loins

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and actually do some digging
and hauling and work for me.

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In Jesus' name, amen.

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That's a good prayer.

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Get your ass back to work now.

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You know what?
I might need to get me my money back.

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Ain't nothing worse
than a slave who can't churn butter.

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Me and my family
have been eating dry toast for a month.

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That's nothin'.

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My house been chilly for weeks

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'cause none of my negroes
can chop wood to save their goddamn lives.

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-Mm.
-Yeah, well, that ain't shit.

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No matter what I do,

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no matter what I try,

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mine just keep rearranging my furniture.

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Started with a chair, then my chifforobe.

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That was there.

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Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor.

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Hm.

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Saying the color palette
clashes with the drapes.

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How fucking dare he?

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Yeah, uh…

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Oh. I almost forgot.

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Well, the other morning,
I walked into my kitchen.

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One of my little jibbity bugs

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had the audacity to be singing
one of his little songs in my house.

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-One of his spirituals, "Amazing…"
-"Amazing Grace."

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-That's the one.
-Amazing bullshit!

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Mm-hmm. That and the daddy song.

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The daddy song?

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The daddy song.

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Mm, no.

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You know, the goddamn daddy song?

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Where they take you out there by the water
with the picnic, and they spin around,

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and they start doing the, you know…

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You are my daddy, I love my daddy

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It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

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I love all you, 'cause you're my daddy

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It's all for you
'Cause you're my baby

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You are my baby, I love my daddy

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I mean, goddamn.
How much do you love your daddy

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to make a whole goddamn song
about him like that?

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I guess it's kinda nice, but all day long?

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I don't have time for this shit.

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I mean, I enjoy his company,

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but it's too much
of a commitment, you know?

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-Okay.
-Yeah, um…

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Oh! Y'all not gonna believe this.

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One of them coal crawlers
had the gall to talk back to me.

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Boy, I cracked that whip so hard,
they heard it all the way down in Biloxi.

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Ooh, I know all about that.

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I whipped one of mine so hard,
the boy started moaning.

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Oh yeah.

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Moaning?

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Mm-hmm. Yeah.

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Moaning like how?

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Sort of like…

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"Oh yeah."

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"Oh, I'm close, daddy.
Can you give me one more?"

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"Ooh."

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"Yeah, I like that."

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"I've been bad for you today."

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"Please, please."

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"One more. One more so I can release…"

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You know?

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Like that.

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I whipped him so hard,
the boy's nut hit the floor.

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His seed hit the floor.

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-He came on the floor.
-No, no, no, we heard you, Murphy.

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All your boys be doin' this?

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No, just one of 'em.

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Hey, uh, you ever think that maybe…

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Nah, never mind.

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What?

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Murphy, uh,

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I think your boy might be… a little sweet.

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Sweet?

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Like, how?

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I ain't no doctor,

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but I have heard that sometimes
men can prefer the company of other men.

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I prefer the company of other men.

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No one hates women as much as me.

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No. No, I don't think
that's what he means, Murphy.

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I'm saying, I think your boy
may favor menfolk for his fornications.

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You got yourself a fella-fucker.

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Murphy, think long and hard.

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Have you noticed anything else funny?

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No, I don't think so.

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Mm! So warm.

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Your hands are so soft for a man.

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Scrub my hole now.

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-Any funny business with your daughter?
-My daughter?

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And if she ever show her face,
you best know I'm gonna say something.

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Ooh, girl, stop! You crazy.

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-Just a little bit.
-She look like a pretty horse.

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Hi, Daddy!

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No, but she kind of fat anyway.

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I don't think negroes enjoy the company
of heavyset white women, right?

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My goodness. This is lovely.

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You made this?

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-I made it for you.
-I feel like prancing.

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I'm not sure on the marble.

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It's between the Calacatta
and the Danby for me.

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I prefer the Danby.
It's local, from Vermont.

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I love that.

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What the hell is an open floor plan?

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-I know you sure as hell don't know.
-What?!

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-Relax.
-Okay.

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You, for one,
do not tell me when to relax.

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I relax when I want to relax.

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I'm going to relax.

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I mean,
I think it's pretty cut and dry, Murphy.

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The boy ejaculated when you whipped him.

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I think Murphy's got himself a boyfriend!

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-No, I-- No, I don't.
-His moon donkey's a sugarfoot!

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That's not true.

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Y'all are sitting around reading poetry
to each other by candlelight.

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-I like poetry.
-I bet you do!

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Y'all reading the same books,
then talking about what's in the books?

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He's in a domestic partnership!

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Murphy, you are a dumb motherfucker!

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Here are your papers.

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Now take your shit
and get your fella-fuckin' ass up north.

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-I don't want no part of this business.
-Baby.

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I don't want to be free
if it means I can't be with you no more.

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-Please, baby--
-No.

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No! Gross!

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Everybody made fun of me,
and they laughed.

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And they called me "the darkie diddler."
I thought we were friends.

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Jerry and Thomas, they think I'm sweet.

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I ain't sweet. I hate everybody.
And you was the only friend I ever had.

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And now I hate you too.
You think I like that? I don't.

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And I ain't no diddler.

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So take your ass, and go up north
where they diddle all day. Go! Shoo!

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Get out of here! Get!

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Go diddle up north, you hear?
Yankees love that shit.

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Go!

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A man and another man? To use that hole…

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What a dumb motherfucker.

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I can't believe that shit worked.

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Virgil a goddamn genius.

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-Come on, baby.
-Okay.

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I'mma take your big ass up north with me.

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Anything you say, chocolate daddy.

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Hey, Master Murphy.

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Oh really? You think this is funny, huh?

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How about you bend over,

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and you stick your pole into his dirt hole
and let's see what happens.

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That's what I fuckin' thought.
Get your ass back to work.

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-Come on. What is that?
-Hey, man. You ain't commit, bro.

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We said we were gonna kiss.

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It's always the same shit, you know?

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Like, it's people who are just deciding
that they're upset for whatever reason.

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I have no idea.

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And I don't think I've done anything
to elicit that response.

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I'm just the one
who happens to be caught in the moment

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when somebody is there trying to explode

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or vent their own frustrations
about their own lives on me.

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I think it's bullshit, you know?

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Okay. I hear you.

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Can you pinpoint a recent moment
where you lost control?

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I didn't lose control.

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I was provoked.

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You said this incident
has been sitting with you.

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'Cause it's the same thing every day.

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Different face. Same entitled rich guy.

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Why don't you take me through
what happened?

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Gladly.

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Sure.

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Hi, how's it going?

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Hello, you poor old bitch.

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No, that bag is not going on my plane.

16:27.653 --> 16:28.821
Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

16:28.904 --> 16:31.365
and I apologize in advance
for the inconvenience,

16:31.448 --> 16:33.617
but we are gonna have
to check your carry-on.

16:33.701 --> 16:34.576
…motherfucker…

16:34.660 --> 16:37.788
She zeroed in on me like she'd been
waiting all day for this motherfucker.

16:37.871 --> 16:40.541
He didn't hear a word I said after "no."

16:40.624 --> 16:42.209
I'm sorry. I don't understand.

16:42.292 --> 16:44.962
I've carried this luggage onto planes
dozens of times.

16:45.045 --> 16:46.880
This is preposterous!

16:46.964 --> 16:49.842
How dare you be so ignorant and rude!

16:49.925 --> 16:54.680
Get your fat fucking bald white ass
out of my fucking face,

16:54.763 --> 16:56.181
you fucking fat bitch boy!

16:56.265 --> 16:59.768
Again, I'm so sorry, sir,
but due to weight and balance limits,

16:59.852 --> 17:03.272
we need to check your bag
so the plane can take off safely.

17:03.355 --> 17:05.566
Is your Chinese ass
really going to do this right now?

17:05.649 --> 17:07.276
Ma'am, I don't understand.

17:07.359 --> 17:10.070
Is your Chinese ass
really gonna do this right now?

17:10.154 --> 17:13.198
I'm sorry, sir,
it's… it's really not up to me.

17:13.282 --> 17:14.658
Also, I'm Korean.

17:14.742 --> 17:18.829
I'm Korean, motherfucker!
Korean! You ever hear of it?

17:18.912 --> 17:22.708
Now, unless you got a smaller bag
inside that big-ass bag,

17:22.791 --> 17:24.710
I don't know what the fuck
we are talking about!

17:24.793 --> 17:27.546
Do you? You have a smaller bag
in that giant-ass bag?

17:27.629 --> 17:28.756
Let's check it out!

17:28.839 --> 17:30.549
Move over, bitch tits. Let's check it out.

17:30.632 --> 17:36.263
Let's check out if there is actually
a smaller bag inside this big-ass bag!

17:36.346 --> 17:38.766
I don't think there's gonna be-- Oh no…!

17:38.849 --> 17:41.810
My name is Tom Segura. I'm at the airport.

17:41.894 --> 17:43.645
No, I do see this!

17:43.729 --> 17:47.566
And this vicious woman
is violating my personal space.

17:47.649 --> 17:50.402
Smell like asshole to me!

17:50.486 --> 17:52.071
I'm gonna put this on Twitter.

17:52.154 --> 17:57.034
And if you take one more step,
you will lose your job!

17:57.117 --> 17:59.244
Sir, please.

17:59.328 --> 18:01.914
It's for the safety
of the other passengers.

18:01.997 --> 18:03.373
-Thief!
-Okay, you know what?

18:03.457 --> 18:05.626
-You see a smaller bag in here?
-Rape!

18:05.709 --> 18:08.087
-No, ma'am.
-You see one? Do you, bitch boy?

18:08.170 --> 18:09.171
I don't.

18:09.254 --> 18:11.840
-I didn't think so, bitch-tit boy!
-I feel violated!

18:11.924 --> 18:13.801
Fuck you, you little evil shit.

18:15.177 --> 18:18.013
I see. So, if you…

18:18.097 --> 18:20.224
-Oh, no. He wasn't done.
-Oh, no. She wasn't done.

18:20.307 --> 18:21.642
Kept crowing at me like a bird.

18:21.725 --> 18:22.810
This piece of shit…

18:22.893 --> 18:25.020
Like a shitty bird
with a shitty voice, you know?

18:25.104 --> 18:26.105
…was just getting started.

18:26.188 --> 18:27.022
The ones you shoot.

18:27.106 --> 18:29.024
Oh. Mm…

18:29.108 --> 18:32.694
Ma'am, I need you to speak English.

18:32.778 --> 18:34.863
Because if I'm being transparent
right now,

18:34.947 --> 18:38.826
nothing you are saying
is making any sense to me.

18:42.329 --> 18:43.580
Of course, sir.

18:43.664 --> 18:45.165
I can slow it down.

18:45.249 --> 18:48.210
Stop crying, you bitch boy!

18:48.293 --> 18:51.046
-Is that in your dialect?
-Is that slow enough for you?

18:51.129 --> 18:53.966
-I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one.
-Oh! Oh, you crying?!

18:54.049 --> 18:55.509
-That's nice.
-Oh, you crying!

18:55.592 --> 18:59.304
Oh, this is so sad for you!
Oh, everybody check it out!

18:59.388 --> 19:02.099
She doesn't know I'm rich.

19:02.182 --> 19:04.977
Oh, you crying, bitch boy?

19:05.060 --> 19:06.436
Oh, I need my mommy!

19:06.520 --> 19:08.105
-I need to suck on my mommy…
-Nice touch.

19:08.188 --> 19:10.482
I'm in boat shoes, you Philistine.

19:10.566 --> 19:11.733
I'm not crying.

19:11.817 --> 19:15.571
This is the funniest thing
to happen to me since my second abortion!

19:15.654 --> 19:17.698
And how did that make you feel?

19:18.574 --> 19:19.449
Bad.

19:19.533 --> 19:21.535
And what did you want in that moment?

19:22.369 --> 19:24.788
To not be treated like a problem for…

19:24.872 --> 19:26.790
-Following the rules.
-Doing my job.

19:26.874 --> 19:29.001
Okay, I get that.

19:29.084 --> 19:31.003
So, after talking this all out,

19:31.086 --> 19:33.505
how do you think
the other person may have felt?

19:41.513 --> 19:43.807
You think you're better than me?!

19:43.891 --> 19:46.643
I'm the white devil!

19:47.644 --> 19:51.023
Remember during COVID when everyone
was shitting all over Asian people?

19:51.106 --> 19:54.484
Blaming it on you guys? That wasn't me.
I didn't do that. I went to a march.

19:54.568 --> 19:57.237
And I… And I posted.
I posted a yellow square.

19:57.321 --> 19:59.072
I know, sir.

19:59.156 --> 20:00.782
Thank you for flying Delta.

20:00.866 --> 20:03.535
Okay. That's our time.

20:04.119 --> 20:06.413
So, how are you feeling
right now as we end?

20:07.873 --> 20:08.874
Whatever.

20:09.750 --> 20:12.461
-Fine.
-I wish these sessions were longer.

20:13.629 --> 20:15.839
Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour.

20:18.508 --> 20:21.261
What a fucking baby.

20:21.345 --> 20:22.930
What a little bitch.

20:24.181 --> 20:25.015
Next!

20:26.600 --> 20:27.559
-Hi.
-Hi.

20:27.643 --> 20:30.103
I was wondering,
are they serving a meal on this flight?

20:30.187 --> 20:32.105
Yes, for first-class passengers.

20:32.189 --> 20:33.941
-Great, thanks.
-Yeah.

20:34.024 --> 20:36.151
Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir.

20:36.235 --> 20:38.654
We're gonna need to check your bag.

20:38.737 --> 20:40.697
-Really?
-Yeah.

20:41.615 --> 20:43.992
Are you sure? I always travel with this.

20:44.076 --> 20:46.870
-Leave it there. I'll take care of it.
-Okay.

20:46.954 --> 20:48.205
Thanks.

20:48.288 --> 20:49.248
Thanks.

20:54.002 --> 20:56.964
This is for you

20:57.047 --> 20:59.967
I love my daddy

21:00.050 --> 21:05.973
It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

21:06.056 --> 21:09.309
This is for you

21:09.393 --> 21:12.396
I love my daddy

21:12.479 --> 21:18.694
It's all for you
'Cause you're my daddy

21:30.789 --> 21:33.917
This is for you

21:34.001 --> 21:37.421
'Cause you're my daddy

21:40.132 --> 21:40.966
Do you like it?
daddy