WEBVTT

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The pillows here are great.

00:00:11.302 --> 00:00:12.971 align:center
I know. I looked them up,

00:00:13.054 --> 00:00:16.182 align:center
and they're a blend
of memory foam and microfiber.

00:00:16.266 --> 00:00:19.227 align:center
Those pillows?
Yeah. I really like the pillows too.

00:00:19.310 --> 00:00:21.187 align:center
I slept good.

00:00:21.271 --> 00:00:22.647 align:center
Yeah, I slept very well.

00:00:22.731 --> 00:00:24.065 align:center
I slept like a homo.

00:00:25.900 --> 00:00:29.112 align:center
You know, I think I'm gonna get
that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.

00:00:29.904 --> 00:00:31.906 align:center
I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?

00:00:32.490 --> 00:00:34.868 align:center
Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.

00:00:34.951 --> 00:00:36.995 align:center
Yeah, it's an Italian dish.

00:00:37.579 --> 00:00:39.330 align:center
You slept like what?

00:00:39.414 --> 00:00:40.415 align:center
Oh, like a homo.

00:00:40.498 --> 00:00:42.042 align:center
Yeah, it's just an expression.

00:00:43.084 --> 00:00:44.210 align:center
No, it isn't.

00:00:44.753 --> 00:00:45.837 align:center
And it's offensive.

00:00:46.921 --> 00:00:48.381 align:center
It's just something that people say,

00:00:48.465 --> 00:00:52.010 align:center
you know, like "It takes two to tango"
or "It's raining cats and dogs."

00:00:52.093 --> 00:00:54.971 align:center
Oh. "He runs like a deer,"
because he's really fast. Yeah.

00:00:55.055 --> 00:00:56.306 align:center
Those are called idioms.

00:00:56.389 --> 00:00:58.641 align:center
And that's not like
anything you just said.

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Yeah, it is.

00:01:02.896 --> 00:01:05.982 align:center
You know what? My cousin,
he went parasailing once,

00:01:06.066 --> 00:01:08.068 align:center
and he said that if you…

00:01:08.151 --> 00:01:10.445 align:center
…have to go to the bathroom up there,
you just go.

00:01:10.528 --> 00:01:12.655 align:center
They don't care.
Because you can't come down.

00:01:12.739 --> 00:01:14.616 align:center
It'd make a weird rainbow.

00:01:14.699 --> 00:01:15.950 align:center
You wouldn't be able to see it.

00:01:16.034 --> 00:01:17.827 align:center
All right, everybody, let's get started.

00:01:17.911 --> 00:01:21.247 align:center
We got a really productive
and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.

00:01:21.331 --> 00:01:24.459 align:center
I got a close-up magician coming in.
Guy I met on a plane.

00:01:24.542 --> 00:01:26.795 align:center
He's gonna have some tricks
just blow your mind.

00:01:26.878 --> 00:01:28.296 align:center
But before we get started,

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I unfortunately have some upsetting news.

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Barry.

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I hate to do this in front of everybody,

00:01:38.223 --> 00:01:41.935 align:center
but it came to my attention
that you said something that was

00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.771 align:center
wildly inappropriate and offensive,

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and we need to send you home.

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What? What happened?

00:01:50.693 --> 00:01:52.654 align:center
He said he slept like a homo.

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-Homo?
-Yeah, I slept like a homo.

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-Barry!
-Sorry, homosexual.

00:01:57.992 --> 00:02:00.995 align:center
I just said something that,
you know, it's factually correct.

00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:03.706 align:center
-True.
-Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.

00:02:03.790 --> 00:02:08.127 align:center
Well, but it's true. You know, I was just
really tired and I just slept that way.

00:02:09.212 --> 00:02:11.798 align:center
But it doesn't make any sense.

00:02:14.008 --> 00:02:15.635 align:center
Okay, well, just think about it.

00:02:16.302 --> 00:02:19.305 align:center
You know, it's physically exhausting,

00:02:20.056 --> 00:02:22.934 align:center
pounding or getting pounded in your anus.

00:02:23.518 --> 00:02:25.979 align:center
That wears you out
way more than vaginal sex.

00:02:26.062 --> 00:02:29.274 align:center
-Barry--
-It's true! There's no doubt about it.

00:02:29.357 --> 00:02:30.525 align:center
Imagine.

00:02:30.608 --> 00:02:33.862 align:center
You're getting plumbobbed,
real deep and hard.

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When your partner is about ready
to pull out, it might hurt a lot.

00:02:37.365 --> 00:02:39.784 align:center
So you've got
all this anxiety building up.

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And then the relief
after they come out of you?

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Oh, that release of stress,

00:02:48.751 --> 00:02:51.296 align:center
that makes you tired, man.

00:02:51.379 --> 00:02:54.674 align:center
That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.

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Last night, I just got
that real good, deep sleep.

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Like a gay guy.

00:03:01.848 --> 00:03:03.183 align:center
Barry…

00:03:04.184 --> 00:03:05.435 align:center
just go home.

00:03:14.986 --> 00:03:16.154 align:center
Wait.

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I can't let you fire him, Dave.

00:03:21.242 --> 00:03:22.160 align:center
Why?

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Because he's right.

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And how would you know that, Phil?

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Because I'm gay.

00:03:31.878 --> 00:03:33.713 align:center
No way.

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I am. And every single thing
that Barry said is true.

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I wondered why you were
uninterested in us.

00:03:40.386 --> 00:03:43.973 align:center
Well, it's really your personality, Mary,
but yeah, I'm gay.

00:03:44.891 --> 00:03:48.311 align:center
Hey, that anal stuff,
was he making that up?

00:03:49.020 --> 00:03:51.314 align:center
No, Butch. The anal stuff's all true.

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No shit.

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It is so tiring.

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Believe me.

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And you do sleep way better after.

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I've missed work from doing it.

00:04:02.784 --> 00:04:05.244 align:center
You weren't sick last week.

00:04:05.328 --> 00:04:06.537 align:center
No, I went to the RNC.

00:04:07.455 --> 00:04:09.582 align:center
Anal sex doesn't make me tired.

00:04:09.666 --> 00:04:11.584 align:center
-Was it gay anal?
-No.

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There you go.

00:04:13.670 --> 00:04:14.879 align:center
Oh.

00:04:14.963 --> 00:04:18.424 align:center
Hmm. Phil makes some important
points there, right?

00:04:18.508 --> 00:04:21.469 align:center
I mean, I certainly didn't know
that was a true statement.

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It is.

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In fact, it might be
the truest statement I've ever heard.

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Certainly feel like I got my exercise
jumping to conclusions today.

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But, you know,
we all learned something today.

00:04:41.364 --> 00:04:43.992 align:center
And that's why we
do these retreats, right?

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Barry?

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Please, sit back down.

00:04:53.418 --> 00:04:54.419 align:center
Yeah.

00:04:56.004 --> 00:04:58.089 align:center
I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.

00:04:58.172 --> 00:04:59.257 align:center
Oh, it's fine.

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May all of us sleep like a homo tonight.

00:05:02.301 --> 00:05:04.387 align:center
-Yeah.
-He knows!

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Hear, hear!

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I do.

00:05:06.889 --> 00:05:08.725 align:center
Hear, hear!

00:05:09.434 --> 00:05:11.978 align:center
I'm glad we're past that.
Because I have to shit like a Jew.

00:05:12.854 --> 00:05:14.897 align:center
You're a fucking terrible person.

00:05:20.945 --> 00:05:24.866 align:center
Health. There are so many things
you have to do to master it.

00:05:24.949 --> 00:05:26.117 align:center
Some people eat right.

00:05:27.368 --> 00:05:28.786 align:center
Some people do yoga.

00:05:29.620 --> 00:05:32.665 align:center
And for some people,
the only way they can function

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is to experience the nonstop laughter
with millions of fans,

00:05:36.836 --> 00:05:39.964 align:center
knowing it could all go away
at any moment.

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Tom?

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Tom?

00:05:51.684 --> 00:05:53.895 align:center
-Oh, my God.
-He's got a gun?

00:05:54.395 --> 00:05:55.521 align:center
He's got a gun!

00:05:55.605 --> 00:05:58.358 align:center
Oh, my God.

00:05:58.441 --> 00:05:59.650 align:center
Hold on…

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No, no, no, no!

00:06:00.902 --> 00:06:02.612 align:center
-Tom.
-Put the gun down.

00:06:04.322 --> 00:06:05.823 align:center
Tom, don't do it!

00:06:09.619 --> 00:06:10.661 align:center
Hello?

00:06:12.038 --> 00:06:13.247 align:center
My show got renewed.

00:06:15.124 --> 00:06:17.752 align:center
We each approach being healthy
in unique ways.

00:06:17.835 --> 00:06:21.839 align:center
But some of us are given genetic gifts
the rest of us could only dream about.

00:06:22.507 --> 00:06:24.258 align:center
But what if you could have it all?

00:06:27.303 --> 00:06:29.806 align:center
Heart muscle can become excessively thick.

00:06:30.431 --> 00:06:32.100 align:center
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

00:06:32.183 --> 00:06:35.436 align:center
can lead to some
very serious complications

00:06:35.520 --> 00:06:38.564 align:center
like atrial fibrillation, which is…

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-Start your fitness journey today.
-Hold on.

00:06:42.276 --> 00:06:46.447 align:center
I, um… Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.

00:06:46.531 --> 00:06:49.325 align:center
Show us your abs.

00:06:49.409 --> 00:06:50.952 align:center
You're all dismissed.

00:06:51.035 --> 00:06:52.912 align:center
You guys have a good week, okay?

00:06:54.122 --> 00:06:55.456 align:center
It's gonna take more than a gym.

00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:57.834 align:center
Okay, great. Thank you very much.

00:07:07.301 --> 00:07:10.179 align:center
End of the night, there were
15 people in the hot tub.

00:07:10.847 --> 00:07:12.974 align:center
Anyway… Hey, can I help you?

00:07:13.850 --> 00:07:14.892 align:center
This is the gym?

00:07:17.353 --> 00:07:20.731 align:center
Sorry. I went on the website
just filling out a thing.

00:07:20.815 --> 00:07:21.732 align:center
Mr. Hale.

00:07:21.816 --> 00:07:24.026 align:center
-Yes?
-I got you down for a 3:15 tour.

00:07:24.110 --> 00:07:25.695 align:center
This is our membership pamphlet.

00:07:25.778 --> 00:07:29.031 align:center
It's got all the rules, regulations.
You're gonna wanna read that.

00:07:29.115 --> 00:07:31.200 align:center
-Okay?
-Yeah. I just…

00:07:31.284 --> 00:07:33.911 align:center
always find a way
to talk myself out of these things.

00:07:33.995 --> 00:07:35.705 align:center
Well, not today, my friend.

00:07:35.788 --> 00:07:37.874 align:center
Listen, let's get your signature on that.

00:07:37.957 --> 00:07:40.334 align:center
It's a one-year commitment,
but try not to think of it

00:07:40.418 --> 00:07:43.212 align:center
as a commitment to a gym,
but a commitment to yourself.

00:07:43.296 --> 00:07:44.380 align:center
You know what I mean?

00:07:51.179 --> 00:07:52.054 align:center
Bro.

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-Hmm?
-You good?

00:07:56.392 --> 00:07:58.144 align:center
Yeah. Yes.

00:07:59.520 --> 00:08:01.230 align:center
All right. Welcome to the party.

00:08:01.314 --> 00:08:03.232 align:center
Get you your pre-workout shot.

00:08:03.900 --> 00:08:05.693 align:center
Oh, I'm good.

00:08:05.776 --> 00:08:07.320 align:center
Take the shot.

00:08:09.489 --> 00:08:10.781 align:center
Grip and dip it.

00:08:12.033 --> 00:08:15.495 align:center
Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.

00:08:15.578 --> 00:08:16.996 align:center
Day one of the new you.

00:08:17.663 --> 00:08:22.043 align:center
You've got your rowers, runners, ergs.
You got your assault bikes.

00:08:22.585 --> 00:08:23.878 align:center
One more, Eduardo.

00:08:23.961 --> 00:08:25.546 align:center
I'm just fucking with you, man.

00:08:25.630 --> 00:08:26.839 align:center
We got new high bars.

00:08:27.423 --> 00:08:29.383 align:center
Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.

00:08:29.467 --> 00:08:31.385 align:center
And this is the locker room.

00:08:31.469 --> 00:08:33.304 align:center
Just take any one that's free.

00:08:33.387 --> 00:08:34.305 align:center
Okay, cool.

00:08:34.388 --> 00:08:35.890 align:center
So how did you hear about us?

00:08:35.973 --> 00:08:38.309 align:center
I was actually on a Reddit thread and…

00:08:38.392 --> 00:08:40.102 align:center
-What's up, man?
-Good to see you.

00:08:42.355 --> 00:08:43.773 align:center
People were, uh…

00:08:46.025 --> 00:08:47.360 align:center
They were raving about it.

00:08:47.443 --> 00:08:49.111 align:center
Yeah, our fans, they go hard.

00:08:49.195 --> 00:08:50.696 align:center
Yeah. It…

00:08:51.364 --> 00:08:52.865 align:center
Yeah. He's a good guy.

00:08:52.949 --> 00:08:54.116 align:center
Well, showers through there.

00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:56.702 align:center
You got any questions, I'll be out front.
You're gonna love it.

00:08:56.786 --> 00:08:57.954 align:center
Let's get hardcore.

00:08:58.037 --> 00:08:59.121 align:center
Let's do it.

00:09:37.535 --> 00:09:39.245 align:center
Here, here. I got you, bro.

00:09:40.121 --> 00:09:41.831 align:center
Dude, what the fuck?

00:09:43.207 --> 00:09:44.292 align:center
I was good.

00:09:44.375 --> 00:09:45.710 align:center
I was just trying to help.

00:09:45.793 --> 00:09:47.545 align:center
That's a weird, weird way you help.

00:09:47.628 --> 00:09:48.838 align:center
-Weird?
-Yeah.

00:09:48.921 --> 00:09:50.756 align:center
You didn't think that was weird?

00:09:50.840 --> 00:09:52.800 align:center
-I'm sorry.
-Everything good, bro?

00:09:54.468 --> 00:09:55.469 align:center
You know…

00:09:56.387 --> 00:09:58.806 align:center
I just… I don't think I fit in here, okay?

00:10:01.934 --> 00:10:05.229 align:center
You guys do your own… whatever that was.

00:10:16.782 --> 00:10:17.950 align:center
What the fuck?

00:10:20.202 --> 00:10:21.370 align:center
Nice hammer!

00:10:21.954 --> 00:10:23.205 align:center
-Thanks.
-First day?

00:10:24.582 --> 00:10:25.583 align:center
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

00:10:25.666 --> 00:10:27.251 align:center
First day is the craziest.

00:10:28.961 --> 00:10:29.920 align:center
How?

00:10:30.004 --> 00:10:33.591 align:center
Well, either your dad's Secretariat
or you took something.

00:10:34.925 --> 00:10:35.926 align:center
The shot.

00:10:37.345 --> 00:10:39.680 align:center
-What was that?
-Yeah. I don't know.

00:10:39.764 --> 00:10:40.973 align:center
But it does that.

00:10:49.190 --> 00:10:51.025 align:center
Dude! Welcome back.

00:11:02.119 --> 00:11:03.496 align:center
What's up, Chief?

00:11:18.469 --> 00:11:19.637 align:center
Oh, my God.

00:11:20.846 --> 00:11:21.764 align:center
My man.

00:11:24.558 --> 00:11:27.561 align:center
And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,

00:11:28.104 --> 00:11:33.401 align:center
"The reward for work well done
is the opportunity to do more."

00:11:36.278 --> 00:11:38.072 align:center
Yes! Yes!

00:11:38.155 --> 00:11:39.448 align:center
Yes! Yes!

00:11:41.534 --> 00:11:43.619 align:center
Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.

00:11:47.498 --> 00:11:48.791 align:center
Ah!

00:11:54.171 --> 00:11:55.005 align:center
Oh!

00:11:55.089 --> 00:11:58.342 align:center
Oh, yes! Yes! Ow! Ow!

00:11:58.426 --> 00:12:00.010 align:center
-Stop.
-Wha… Wha…

00:12:00.094 --> 00:12:01.470 align:center
-What happened?
-Oh!

00:12:01.554 --> 00:12:03.681 align:center
I guess my eyes were bigger than my pussy.

00:12:03.764 --> 00:12:06.642 align:center
Fucking dickzilla
trying to split me in half.

00:12:06.726 --> 00:12:07.727 align:center
No, thanks.

00:12:26.287 --> 00:12:28.205 align:center
In all my years of teaching,

00:12:28.289 --> 00:12:32.376 align:center
I've never had a less impressive
group of students.

00:12:32.460 --> 00:12:36.213 align:center
It's not like you're gonna
end up being doctors, you know?

00:12:36.297 --> 00:12:38.466 align:center
-You're just gonna end up--
-Come on.

00:12:38.549 --> 00:12:41.719 align:center
Wait, I'm teaching a class.
These are my students.

00:12:45.264 --> 00:12:47.141 align:center
Hey, what's up, Chief?

00:13:36.815 --> 00:13:38.150 align:center
Hey, what's up, man?

00:13:40.528 --> 00:13:41.737 align:center
Look at this shit.

00:13:41.820 --> 00:13:43.447 align:center
Oh, is it too much?

00:13:45.324 --> 00:13:46.367 align:center
I'd say so!

00:13:46.909 --> 00:13:48.452 align:center
Well, you kept taking the shots.

00:13:49.245 --> 00:13:50.663 align:center
I thought I was supposed to.

00:13:50.746 --> 00:13:53.165 align:center
-You read the pamphlet.
-Pamphlet?

00:13:53.249 --> 00:13:55.876 align:center
Yeah. Day One pamphlet.
Explains what can happen.

00:13:56.544 --> 00:14:00.297 align:center
You don't think maybe this deserves
more than a pamphlet?

00:14:00.381 --> 00:14:01.882 align:center
We can fix it. We can fix it.

00:14:01.966 --> 00:14:03.801 align:center
All right? Just calm down.

00:14:05.636 --> 00:14:07.012 align:center
You go to the back hallway.

00:14:07.596 --> 00:14:10.057 align:center
There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?

00:14:10.140 --> 00:14:11.475 align:center
They can help you.

00:14:13.561 --> 00:14:14.812 align:center
Best of luck.

00:14:46.844 --> 00:14:48.304 align:center
They said you could fix this.

00:14:56.562 --> 00:14:57.688 align:center
Very funny.

00:14:58.897 --> 00:15:00.357 align:center
Oh, you're not gonna laugh.

00:15:01.066 --> 00:15:02.735 align:center
You want me to hack my dick off?

00:15:02.818 --> 00:15:05.154 align:center
No. You want to hack your dick off.

00:15:06.030 --> 00:15:07.740 align:center
I'm giving you the tool to do it.

00:15:07.823 --> 00:15:09.325 align:center
What kind of solution is that?

00:15:10.326 --> 00:15:12.161 align:center
How many shots did you take?

00:15:14.246 --> 00:15:16.415 align:center
-Maybe 20.
-God damn!

00:15:17.333 --> 00:15:21.086 align:center
You took maybe 20 shots
to make your wee-wee grow,

00:15:21.170 --> 00:15:23.213 align:center
and now it's too much,
so you want it to go away.

00:15:23.923 --> 00:15:26.008 align:center
How do you think that happens, mmm?

00:15:26.091 --> 00:15:29.219 align:center
Does it, you know, look normal after that?

00:15:29.303 --> 00:15:32.222 align:center
Hell no! Looks like
somebody hacked your dick off.

00:15:32.306 --> 00:15:33.641 align:center
Then I don't wanna do it.

00:15:33.724 --> 00:15:34.934 align:center
Okay.

00:15:39.063 --> 00:15:40.689 align:center
Wait, wait.

00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:42.775 align:center
Have other people done it?

00:15:49.949 --> 00:15:51.075 align:center
There's so many dicks.

00:15:58.248 --> 00:15:59.208 align:center
Do it, man.

00:16:11.303 --> 00:16:12.388 align:center
Do it now.

00:16:15.182 --> 00:16:16.642 align:center
Do it. Come on.

00:16:16.725 --> 00:16:18.268 align:center
What are you waiting for?

00:16:18.852 --> 00:16:20.229 align:center
Cut it off.

00:16:34.326 --> 00:16:36.245 align:center
Talk myself out of these things.

00:16:36.328 --> 00:16:39.665 align:center
Talk myself out of these things.
Talk myself out of these things.

00:16:39.748 --> 00:16:42.251 align:center
Always find a way to talk myself
out of these things.

00:16:47.715 --> 00:16:48.590 align:center
Bro.

00:16:49.591 --> 00:16:50.592 align:center
Huh?

00:16:51.719 --> 00:16:52.761 align:center
You good?

00:16:55.222 --> 00:16:56.765 align:center
Fuck yes, dude!

00:16:57.808 --> 00:16:59.059 align:center
All right.

00:17:02.229 --> 00:17:03.605 align:center
Ah, thirsty boy.

00:17:03.689 --> 00:17:06.483 align:center
Mmm-hmm. Let's get this shit started.
f these things.