WEBVTT

00:00:07.549 --> 00:00:08.550 align:center
Pilot sex shit?

00:00:08.633 --> 00:00:09.509 align:center
What the fuck?

00:00:11.886 --> 00:00:13.513 align:center
Anyway, we need you to land the plane.

00:00:13.596 --> 00:00:15.056 align:center
-What?
-You said you speak Spanish.

00:00:15.140 --> 00:00:16.933 align:center
-But--
-So does the air traffic controller.

00:00:17.517 --> 00:00:18.852 align:center
Put on the headphones. Sit down.

00:00:19.436 --> 00:00:20.603 align:center
Put the headphones.

00:00:20.687 --> 00:00:22.814 align:center
-Okay. Okay.
-That one.

00:00:22.897 --> 00:00:24.315 align:center
Good luck, man.

00:00:29.279 --> 00:00:30.989 align:center
1723. Do you copy?

00:00:31.072 --> 00:00:34.242 align:center
Uh, yes. This is 1723.

00:00:34.325 --> 00:00:35.744 align:center
My God.

00:00:35.827 --> 00:00:37.245 align:center
I'm not a pilot!

00:00:37.328 --> 00:00:39.330 align:center
I don't have a fucking clue
how to be a pilot.

00:00:39.414 --> 00:00:41.750 align:center
Don't worry, everything will be fine.

00:00:41.833 --> 00:00:43.168 align:center
My name is José,

00:00:43.251 --> 00:00:45.211 align:center
I understand
that the pilots are incapacitated.

00:00:45.295 --> 00:00:46.337 align:center
Uh…

00:00:47.714 --> 00:00:48.715 align:center
Yes.

00:00:48.798 --> 00:00:51.176 align:center
Don't worry. I will guide you.

00:00:51.259 --> 00:00:53.970 align:center
Okay, let's breathe.

00:00:55.847 --> 00:00:58.099 align:center
Let's see, what's your name?

00:00:58.183 --> 00:01:01.019 align:center
-My name is Tom.
-Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you.

00:01:01.102 --> 00:01:03.313 align:center
I want you to pull the lever
that says Throttle two.

00:01:04.147 --> 00:01:05.148 align:center
Yeah.

00:01:07.400 --> 00:01:08.234 align:center
Okay.

00:01:08.318 --> 00:01:09.444 align:center
And grab the yoke.

00:01:09.527 --> 00:01:11.821 align:center
Now you're going to move that yoke gently,

00:01:11.905 --> 00:01:14.199 align:center
so I can see how the plane is moving.

00:01:15.658 --> 00:01:17.494 align:center
Yes, José.

00:01:17.577 --> 00:01:19.537 align:center
It's moving the plane a little.

00:01:19.621 --> 00:01:20.914 align:center
Wow, Tom.

00:01:20.997 --> 00:01:25.085 align:center
I know you've never flown a plane before,
but you're doing it very well.

00:01:25.168 --> 00:01:26.377 align:center
We're going to be fine.

00:01:26.461 --> 00:01:27.670 align:center
I'm very scared.

00:01:27.754 --> 00:01:29.214 align:center
It's just that…

00:01:29.297 --> 00:01:33.718 align:center
It's just that I feel like I'm going to
have terrible diarrhea any moment here.

00:01:35.470 --> 00:01:38.223 align:center
Many people get airplane diarrhea,
don't worry.

00:01:38.306 --> 00:01:39.390 align:center
Yes, that's true.

00:01:39.474 --> 00:01:41.518 align:center
Wow, and what do you do, Tom?

00:01:41.601 --> 00:01:44.604 align:center
The funny thing is that I'm a comedian.

00:01:44.687 --> 00:01:47.023 align:center
Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you.

00:01:47.107 --> 00:01:49.484 align:center
And what is your last name?
Maybe I know you.

00:01:50.985 --> 00:01:53.363 align:center
My last name is Segura.

00:01:54.948 --> 00:01:56.241 align:center
Tom Segura?

00:01:56.866 --> 00:01:58.076 align:center
Yes.

00:01:58.159 --> 00:01:59.869 align:center
Oh, yes.

00:01:59.953 --> 00:02:01.371 align:center
I have heard of you.

00:02:01.454 --> 00:02:02.580 align:center
Yes?

00:02:02.664 --> 00:02:04.833 align:center
Your comedy
is not very nice, cabrón.

00:02:04.916 --> 00:02:06.251 align:center
Oh, you speak English?

00:02:06.334 --> 00:02:07.669 align:center
You know, Tom Segura,

00:02:07.752 --> 00:02:10.046 align:center
I have a brother who has Down syndrome.

00:02:10.130 --> 00:02:13.466 align:center
And you like to say
that people are retarded, correct?

00:02:13.550 --> 00:02:15.969 align:center
Look, man, I'm sorry
if I ever said something

00:02:16.052 --> 00:02:18.471 align:center
that was… offensive like that.

00:02:18.555 --> 00:02:23.434 align:center
Like, I use it to describe, like,
a friend doing something silly, you know.

00:02:23.518 --> 00:02:25.436 align:center
-Like my brother.
-No, of course not.

00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:30.942 align:center
What I'm saying is, like, sometimes,
you know, your friend does something dumb.

00:02:31.442 --> 00:02:32.527 align:center
You know what I mean?

00:02:32.610 --> 00:02:34.529 align:center
Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception.

00:02:34.612 --> 00:02:35.822 align:center
You're like… You know?

00:02:35.905 --> 00:02:38.449 align:center
No. No, I do not know, actually.

00:02:38.533 --> 00:02:42.579 align:center
José, can we please put
my dumb career choices aside

00:02:42.662 --> 00:02:46.833 align:center
and just help with this
real life-threatening issue, José?

00:02:46.916 --> 00:02:49.669 align:center
Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go.

00:02:49.752 --> 00:02:52.755 align:center
Oh, my God, dude, please.
This is going down so fast.

00:02:52.839 --> 00:02:56.176 align:center
I'm sorry that I've said
stupid offensive things that are reckless.

00:02:56.259 --> 00:02:58.928 align:center
I say things on stage
sometimes to get a laugh.

00:02:59.012 --> 00:03:00.847 align:center
That's not who I am as a person.

00:03:00.930 --> 00:03:03.933 align:center
Okay, so what you say at work
you don't really mean.

00:03:04.017 --> 00:03:05.685 align:center
Exactly, José. Yes.

00:03:05.768 --> 00:03:07.478 align:center
Oh, okay, I understand now.

00:03:07.562 --> 00:03:10.106 align:center
You see that red button
that's next to the altitude?

00:03:12.525 --> 00:03:14.319 align:center
-Yeah.
-Push it.

00:03:16.571 --> 00:03:18.197 align:center
Oh!

00:03:18.281 --> 00:03:19.282 align:center
Am I supposed to push it

00:03:19.365 --> 00:03:21.034 align:center
-or are you making a point?
-I don't know.

00:03:21.117 --> 00:03:23.536 align:center
I'm at work right now.
What did you say about people at work?

00:03:23.620 --> 00:03:25.163 align:center
Are you fucking kidding me?

00:03:28.708 --> 00:03:31.669 align:center
José!

00:03:31.753 --> 00:03:33.338 align:center
I'm sorry, José. Please!

00:03:33.421 --> 00:03:35.131 align:center
Words matter, cabrón.

00:03:35.215 --> 00:03:36.341 align:center
Okay, goodbye.

00:03:40.136 --> 00:03:42.597 align:center
What time does lunch start you say?

00:03:42.680 --> 00:03:43.973 align:center
Soon enough, right? Hmm.

00:03:44.057 --> 00:03:46.309 align:center
José, please!

00:03:46.392 --> 00:03:49.145 align:center
José! José, please! What do I do?

00:03:49.896 --> 00:03:51.648 align:center
Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there?

00:03:51.731 --> 00:03:53.358 align:center
Oh, my God.

00:03:53.441 --> 00:03:55.443 align:center
Thank God. I wanted to say, bro,

00:03:55.526 --> 00:03:56.736 align:center
-I love your podcast.
-What?

00:03:56.819 --> 00:03:58.404 align:center
Okay, ciao. Blessings.

00:04:00.114 --> 00:04:02.450 align:center
Oh, my God! What have I done?

00:04:02.533 --> 00:04:04.244 align:center
-Tom!
-Yes, I'm here.

00:04:04.327 --> 00:04:06.871 align:center
The one with your wife, not the other one.

00:04:06.955 --> 00:04:08.498 align:center
The other one is hard to listen to.

00:04:10.959 --> 00:04:12.752 align:center
Please, help me!

00:04:12.835 --> 00:04:14.504 align:center
José!

00:04:15.088 --> 00:04:16.047 align:center
Oh, fuck!

00:04:17.215 --> 00:04:20.468 align:center
This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina.
He was sitting in economy.

00:04:21.886 --> 00:04:24.681 align:center
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot!

00:04:25.598 --> 00:04:26.557 align:center
Hello.

00:04:26.641 --> 00:04:28.768 align:center
Oh… Oh…

00:04:28.851 --> 00:04:29.811 align:center
Oh!

00:04:30.353 --> 00:04:31.354 align:center
Oh…

00:04:31.437 --> 00:04:35.191 align:center
Oh… Oh, my God.

00:04:35.942 --> 00:04:40.947 align:center
1723. We are level
and heading in the normal direction.

00:04:43.908 --> 00:04:45.910 align:center
You really became a pilot today, huh?

00:04:45.994 --> 00:04:47.287 align:center
That guy was such a dick.

00:04:48.371 --> 00:04:51.457 align:center
So we have, uh,
about three hours left on the flight.

00:04:52.125 --> 00:04:53.501 align:center
We can make the most of it.

00:04:54.961 --> 00:04:57.213 align:center
Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?

00:04:57.296 --> 00:04:58.798 align:center
-What?
-What are you doing?

00:04:59.382 --> 00:05:01.009 align:center
Let's get to the fucking, huh?

00:05:01.092 --> 00:05:02.760 align:center
Bro, what?

00:05:03.469 --> 00:05:05.888 align:center
I'm going back to my seat, man.

00:05:05.972 --> 00:05:07.890 align:center
-You sure?
-Yeah.

00:05:07.974 --> 00:05:10.351 align:center
Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man.

00:05:10.435 --> 00:05:12.395 align:center
-You're really gonna leave? Okay.
-Yeah.

00:05:12.478 --> 00:05:13.896 align:center
You're already here.

00:05:13.980 --> 00:05:14.856 align:center
No.

00:05:29.579 --> 00:05:32.206 align:center
All right, let's do it.

00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:33.416 align:center
Okay.

00:05:33.499 --> 00:05:35.626 align:center
Teach me how to fly, man.

00:05:49.724 --> 00:05:51.225 align:center
Communication is fascinating.

00:05:51.809 --> 00:05:53.644 align:center
It's not just language or speaking.

00:05:53.728 --> 00:05:55.146 align:center
It's about conveying how you feel,

00:05:55.229 --> 00:05:57.732 align:center
what you're thinking,
the joy you're experiencing.

00:06:01.569 --> 00:06:03.696 align:center
And who are some of our
best communicators?

00:06:04.405 --> 00:06:06.324 align:center
Dolphins.

00:06:06.407 --> 00:06:07.992 align:center
'90s Oprah.

00:06:08.785 --> 00:06:09.619 align:center
Politicians.

00:06:10.453 --> 00:06:12.455 align:center
Look at this guy.

00:06:12.538 --> 00:06:14.082 align:center
He's got 'em all fired up.

00:06:14.916 --> 00:06:18.669 align:center
So, I hope you enjoy these stories
about communication.

00:06:18.753 --> 00:06:20.088 align:center
But if you don't…

00:06:20.630 --> 00:06:22.465 align:center
How do I say this?

00:06:25.426 --> 00:06:26.344 align:center
Yeah, that works.

00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:29.764 align:center
Whoa. Do I speak sign language?

00:06:30.723 --> 00:06:32.225 align:center
I totally understood that.

00:06:33.726 --> 00:06:36.646 align:center
So this is Burbank, California.

00:06:37.730 --> 00:06:39.065 align:center
Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh?

00:06:39.148 --> 00:06:40.024 align:center
It's real neat.

00:06:40.650 --> 00:06:43.069 align:center
Definitely a far cry from Boise,
that's for sure.

00:06:43.152 --> 00:06:45.029 align:center
You know who, I read, comes here?

00:06:45.113 --> 00:06:46.656 align:center
Jay Leno.

00:06:46.739 --> 00:06:48.783 align:center
What do you think about that, huh?

00:06:48.866 --> 00:06:51.369 align:center
He parks his hot rod right out there.

00:06:51.452 --> 00:06:53.746 align:center
And he comes here. That is really cool.

00:06:53.830 --> 00:06:56.416 align:center
You're right, Dad. That is really cool.

00:06:56.499 --> 00:06:58.459 align:center
Yeah, it's really cool.

00:06:59.043 --> 00:07:00.044 align:center
I'm sorry.

00:07:00.128 --> 00:07:02.839 align:center
I never do this,
but I just had to come up and say

00:07:02.922 --> 00:07:05.216 align:center
that fucking you last week was so fun.

00:07:05.842 --> 00:07:07.051 align:center
I'm sorry, what?

00:07:07.635 --> 00:07:09.846 align:center
So fun.

00:07:09.929 --> 00:07:10.930 align:center
Enjoy your meal.

00:07:11.848 --> 00:07:13.266 align:center
I have no idea who that was.

00:07:14.684 --> 00:07:15.977 align:center
Yes, you do.

00:07:16.060 --> 00:07:16.894 align:center
I knew it.

00:07:16.978 --> 00:07:19.397 align:center
What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad.

00:07:19.480 --> 00:07:21.107 align:center
This is gonna kill your mother.

00:07:21.190 --> 00:07:23.067 align:center
Come on. I dated Jill for two years.

00:07:23.693 --> 00:07:26.654 align:center
Welcome to Darwin's.
I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of…

00:07:27.488 --> 00:07:28.614 align:center
Oh, shit!

00:07:29.365 --> 00:07:31.492 align:center
I turned this boy's pussy
inside out last night.

00:07:31.576 --> 00:07:33.202 align:center
What are you talking about?

00:07:33.286 --> 00:07:35.913 align:center
All gas, no brakes. Raw.

00:07:35.997 --> 00:07:38.541 align:center
Honey, look.
There's that slut we made prolapse.

00:07:38.624 --> 00:07:41.294 align:center
He was gagging on my balls.

00:07:41.377 --> 00:07:43.087 align:center
It was pathetic.

00:07:43.171 --> 00:07:46.382 align:center
Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too.

00:07:46.465 --> 00:07:48.801 align:center
Why is everyone saying they fucked me?

00:07:48.885 --> 00:07:50.428 align:center
Because we did.

00:07:50.511 --> 00:07:51.512 align:center
In that game.

00:07:54.557 --> 00:07:57.560 align:center
Is that me?

00:07:57.643 --> 00:08:00.021 align:center
It's actually a cool story.

00:08:00.104 --> 00:08:01.564 align:center
There's a passion project.

00:08:01.647 --> 00:08:04.692 align:center
This IT guy developed
a game in his basement.

00:08:04.775 --> 00:08:07.695 align:center
He went on to make,
like, a billion dollars off it.

00:08:07.778 --> 00:08:08.696 align:center
It's inspiring.

00:08:09.697 --> 00:08:11.199 align:center
Cyrus?

00:08:17.288 --> 00:08:18.956 align:center
Hey, make that face you do, that…

00:08:21.501 --> 00:08:23.336 align:center
Welcome to the property.

00:08:24.462 --> 00:08:27.173 align:center
Welcome to the property.

00:08:35.264 --> 00:08:36.265 align:center
Cyrus?

00:08:37.767 --> 00:08:40.520 align:center
Evan? Is that you?

00:08:41.812 --> 00:08:43.689 align:center
I barely recognize you, man.

00:08:43.773 --> 00:08:45.608 align:center
You barely recognize me?

00:08:45.691 --> 00:08:47.526 align:center
I know. It's pretty cool, right?

00:08:48.444 --> 00:08:51.364 align:center
It's crazy what 800 million
in videogame sales can buy.

00:08:52.448 --> 00:08:53.783 align:center
This is fucking horsehair.

00:08:54.659 --> 00:08:56.786 align:center
Yeah. I think we need to talk.

00:08:56.869 --> 00:08:57.954 align:center
Come on in, bud.

00:09:06.754 --> 00:09:10.007 align:center
Did you make a video game
where aliens fuck me?

00:09:10.091 --> 00:09:14.303 align:center
I made a very successful video game
called Aliens Fuck Humans.

00:09:14.387 --> 00:09:16.681 align:center
I'm not sure what that has to do with you.

00:09:17.265 --> 00:09:19.475 align:center
What the fuck are you talking about?

00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:22.478 align:center
Look. This is clearly me.

00:09:24.855 --> 00:09:25.731 align:center
No.

00:09:26.315 --> 00:09:27.275 align:center
Okay. Well…

00:09:28.317 --> 00:09:30.152 align:center
then what is this?

00:09:30.236 --> 00:09:32.280 align:center
An AFH-KOHLUR collab.

00:09:32.363 --> 00:09:36.117 align:center
Dude, the human in the game
looks exactly like me.

00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:38.911 align:center
I don't see the resemblance.

00:09:38.995 --> 00:09:42.081 align:center
Take the fucking game down.

00:09:42.164 --> 00:09:43.165 align:center
Hey. Whoa, whoa.

00:09:44.292 --> 00:09:45.167 align:center
Are you mad?

00:09:45.251 --> 00:09:47.420 align:center
You want to play games with me?
I'll show you.

00:09:47.503 --> 00:09:49.380 align:center
-Oh, hey! Hey, man!
-I'll fucking show you.

00:09:49.463 --> 00:09:50.965 align:center
-Stop! Evan!
-Take the game down!

00:09:51.048 --> 00:09:52.049 align:center
That's $11 million--

00:09:52.133 --> 00:09:55.094 align:center
-Take the fucking game down!
-Stop! Stop! Stop!

00:09:55.177 --> 00:09:56.304 align:center
Fuck!

00:09:56.387 --> 00:09:57.221 align:center
Yes.

00:09:58.097 --> 00:09:59.223 align:center
God damn.

00:09:59.307 --> 00:10:02.602 align:center
The human in the game
is modeled after you.

00:10:02.685 --> 00:10:04.937 align:center
Yeah. No shit.

00:10:05.021 --> 00:10:06.981 align:center
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:10:07.064 --> 00:10:08.941 align:center
Why would you put me in this game?

00:10:09.025 --> 00:10:09.859 align:center
I don't know.

00:10:09.942 --> 00:10:13.571 align:center
I guess you just kind of have
a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know?

00:10:14.155 --> 00:10:16.824 align:center
I didn't know the game
was gonna blow up the way it did.

00:10:17.450 --> 00:10:18.576 align:center
And looking back…

00:10:19.160 --> 00:10:21.329 align:center
I definitely should
not have used you in it.

00:10:22.038 --> 00:10:23.622 align:center
So you'll take the game down?

00:10:24.248 --> 00:10:26.042 align:center
No, it's impossible.

00:10:26.125 --> 00:10:28.169 align:center
There's hard copies everywhere.

00:10:28.252 --> 00:10:30.963 align:center
But I have been developing a new game.

00:10:31.505 --> 00:10:32.965 align:center
Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

00:10:33.049 --> 00:10:36.719 align:center
And in this new game,
you do not get fucked by aliens.

00:10:36.802 --> 00:10:38.387 align:center
You're actually the hero.

00:10:40.222 --> 00:10:42.683 align:center
I'll cut you in on a piece of the action.

00:10:42.767 --> 00:10:44.352 align:center
Fifty-fifty split.

00:10:45.811 --> 00:10:47.438 align:center
You'll be rich as shit.

00:10:50.816 --> 00:10:53.903 align:center
And I'm not gonna be getting fucked
by aliens in the new game?

00:10:55.237 --> 00:10:56.155 align:center
No.

00:10:58.282 --> 00:10:59.200 align:center
Let me show you.

00:11:00.993 --> 00:11:03.663 align:center
AFH IV is the future of VR gaming.

00:11:03.746 --> 00:11:06.707 align:center
It's the first of its kind
to use real time neural imaging

00:11:06.791 --> 00:11:10.670 align:center
of the user's brain to create
the most realistic experiences possible.

00:11:10.753 --> 00:11:13.089 align:center
What does that even mean?

00:11:13.172 --> 00:11:17.468 align:center
Well, it means you're now the co-owner
of this kickass breakthrough tech,

00:11:18.552 --> 00:11:19.679 align:center
partner.

00:11:19.762 --> 00:11:21.597 align:center
Try it out.

00:11:25.768 --> 00:11:29.438 align:center
Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

00:11:29.522 --> 00:11:31.399 align:center
Evan's Revenge.

00:11:44.620 --> 00:11:45.913 align:center
Holy shit.

00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:49.083 align:center
This feels so real.

00:11:49.166 --> 00:11:50.584 align:center
It's pretty cool, right?

00:11:51.377 --> 00:11:53.421 align:center
Is this my childhood home?

00:11:53.504 --> 00:11:55.131 align:center
It is.

00:11:56.632 --> 00:11:57.633 align:center
Wow.

00:12:02.763 --> 00:12:03.681 align:center
Hello, son.

00:12:04.765 --> 00:12:06.058 align:center
Dad?

00:12:07.560 --> 00:12:10.187 align:center
Happy birthday, buddy.

00:12:11.063 --> 00:12:12.732 align:center
Would you like some cake?

00:12:13.899 --> 00:12:16.527 align:center
Why does the cake say
"Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it?

00:12:17.069 --> 00:12:18.946 align:center
Oh, my God.

00:12:23.117 --> 00:12:25.411 align:center
Dude, this thing just got real tight.

00:12:25.494 --> 00:12:27.705 align:center
That's weird.

00:12:29.123 --> 00:12:31.834 align:center
Word on the street is you like cake.

00:12:35.463 --> 00:12:36.547 align:center
Oh!

00:12:42.595 --> 00:12:45.306 align:center
-Go on. Have a slice.
-The fuck is happening?

00:12:45.389 --> 00:12:46.307 align:center
That's it.

00:12:46.390 --> 00:12:48.476 align:center
Fuck, I can't control my legs, man.

00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:52.521 align:center
You'll control your legs
when you finish the cake.

00:12:55.733 --> 00:12:57.818 align:center
Is this all because I wouldn't give you

00:12:57.902 --> 00:13:00.321 align:center
a piece of cake
at Cheryl's birthday party?

00:13:00.404 --> 00:13:02.239 align:center
I don't know. Is it?

00:13:05.117 --> 00:13:08.162 align:center
Cyrus! Cyrus, please!

00:13:08.245 --> 00:13:10.623 align:center
Do you know what flavor this cake is, son?

00:13:10.706 --> 00:13:12.249 align:center
-Cyrus…
-It's papa flavor.

00:13:12.333 --> 00:13:13.751 align:center
Cyrus, don't do this.

00:13:13.834 --> 00:13:15.169 align:center
Eat all the cake up.

00:13:15.252 --> 00:13:16.462 align:center
Yum, yum, yum.

00:13:17.046 --> 00:13:18.672 align:center
You can eat it out of my ass.

00:13:18.756 --> 00:13:20.508 align:center
Cyrus, please.

00:13:21.884 --> 00:13:22.968 align:center
Don't do it.

00:13:23.052 --> 00:13:24.762 align:center
Lick it all up.

00:13:25.513 --> 00:13:26.889 align:center
Cyrus, don't!

00:13:27.807 --> 00:13:29.642 align:center
No!

00:13:29.725 --> 00:13:32.603 align:center
Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus?

00:13:33.187 --> 00:13:35.022 align:center
No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena.

00:13:35.105 --> 00:13:36.482 align:center
Oh, Dad!

00:13:36.565 --> 00:13:38.400 align:center
Did you want a juice?

00:13:38.484 --> 00:13:39.944 align:center
-Oh!
-Papaya?

00:13:40.027 --> 00:13:40.945 align:center
Mmm…

00:13:41.028 --> 00:13:42.822 align:center
-Cyrus!
-Actually, papaya sounds nice.

00:13:42.905 --> 00:13:44.782 align:center
-Thank you.
-Oh, no!

00:13:44.865 --> 00:13:47.117 align:center
Cyrus, please! Oh!

00:13:47.201 --> 00:13:48.828 align:center
No, Dad!

00:13:48.911 --> 00:13:50.704 align:center
-No!
-This shit is amazing.

00:13:52.581 --> 00:13:55.376 align:center
Cyrus, no!

00:14:08.347 --> 00:14:10.099 align:center
Keep the news stations at bay.

00:14:10.182 --> 00:14:12.643 align:center
They'll be showing up
in about 15 minutes, Carmen.

00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:17.398 align:center
Hi, Tom.

00:14:18.566 --> 00:14:20.359 align:center
I'm Detective Jacobs.

00:14:21.026 --> 00:14:23.153 align:center
Now, I know you've been through a lot,

00:14:23.237 --> 00:14:25.573 align:center
but when you're ready, I'm here to listen.

00:14:25.656 --> 00:14:26.991 align:center
Okay?

00:14:27.074 --> 00:14:28.033 align:center
Okay.

00:14:28.867 --> 00:14:30.160 align:center
Okay.

00:14:31.203 --> 00:14:33.330 align:center
I can take you through what happened.

00:14:33.872 --> 00:14:34.748 align:center
Um…

00:14:35.666 --> 00:14:38.252 align:center
I was waiting in line to buy a coffee.

00:14:38.335 --> 00:14:39.378 align:center
Like I do every day.

00:14:39.461 --> 00:14:41.630 align:center
Hi. Can I help you?

00:14:42.172 --> 00:14:44.884 align:center
Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee?

00:14:44.967 --> 00:14:46.760 align:center
-Sure. That'll be $3.45.
-With--

00:14:48.387 --> 00:14:49.221 align:center
Sorry.

00:14:49.305 --> 00:14:52.474 align:center
I just have a few, uh, modifications.

00:14:53.225 --> 00:14:54.143 align:center
Okay.

00:14:54.226 --> 00:14:56.896 align:center
Large iced coffee, extra ice, please.

00:14:56.979 --> 00:15:01.525 align:center
And just a small splash
of whole milk, please.

00:15:02.192 --> 00:15:03.777 align:center
Still $3.45.

00:15:03.861 --> 00:15:04.862 align:center
Thank you.

00:15:08.198 --> 00:15:10.367 align:center
-Do you need to, uh…
-What?

00:15:10.993 --> 00:15:12.244 align:center
Type it in?

00:15:12.328 --> 00:15:14.413 align:center
No, I… I got it. We have a system.

00:15:14.496 --> 00:15:15.664 align:center
No, I know you got it.

00:15:15.748 --> 00:15:19.001 align:center
I wasn't trying to suggest
that you couldn't remember that.

00:15:19.084 --> 00:15:20.669 align:center
I just meant…

00:15:20.753 --> 00:15:23.130 align:center
Sometimes when it's not typed in,

00:15:23.213 --> 00:15:24.965 align:center
-it's not… They don't see it.
-Okay.

00:15:25.049 --> 00:15:29.011 align:center
Iced coffee, extra ice,
splash of whole milk.

00:15:29.094 --> 00:15:30.846 align:center
-That is it.
-$3.45.

00:15:32.139 --> 00:15:33.057 align:center
Thank you.

00:15:33.140 --> 00:15:34.266 align:center
Would you like to tip?

00:15:35.059 --> 00:15:37.144 align:center
-Sure
-How much?

00:15:38.187 --> 00:15:39.313 align:center
A dollar?

00:15:43.025 --> 00:15:44.485 align:center
Five seems right.

00:15:46.570 --> 00:15:47.404 align:center
Next.

00:15:49.406 --> 00:15:51.533 align:center
Tom. Iced coffee for Tom…

00:15:52.701 --> 00:15:53.911 align:center
with modifications.

00:15:54.578 --> 00:15:56.121 align:center
Jesus Christ.

00:15:59.458 --> 00:16:01.251 align:center
Sir. Excuse me.

00:16:01.335 --> 00:16:02.962 align:center
Could we talk about this?

00:16:03.921 --> 00:16:05.172 align:center
Could I meet you down here?

00:16:06.465 --> 00:16:07.883 align:center
Excuse me. Hi.

00:16:07.967 --> 00:16:09.635 align:center
Will you please stand still?

00:16:09.718 --> 00:16:11.804 align:center
Uh, can you remake this?

00:16:11.887 --> 00:16:13.097 align:center
I'm a little busy, man.

00:16:13.764 --> 00:16:16.475 align:center
No, I know.
I'm not trying to be rude, I promise.

00:16:16.558 --> 00:16:18.852 align:center
I just, uh… I can't drink this much milk.

00:16:18.936 --> 00:16:20.688 align:center
You know, I-- I paid for it.

00:16:20.771 --> 00:16:22.523 align:center
So could you just remake this

00:16:22.606 --> 00:16:25.401 align:center
with less milk… please?

00:16:26.151 --> 00:16:27.444 align:center
-Less milk?
-Please.

00:16:27.528 --> 00:16:30.364 align:center
-Yeah, man. I got you.
-Thanks.

00:16:41.542 --> 00:16:42.918 align:center
Now it's got less milk.

00:16:49.341 --> 00:16:50.718 align:center
I'm a professional barista.

00:16:50.801 --> 00:16:52.469 align:center
I know what a fucking splash is.

00:16:54.346 --> 00:16:55.806 align:center
Holy shit!

00:16:55.889 --> 00:16:57.766 align:center
Oh, my God.

00:16:57.850 --> 00:17:00.227 align:center
Now the devil's in a rush

00:17:16.535 --> 00:17:18.954 align:center
Oh, fuck!

00:17:37.848 --> 00:17:39.308 align:center
I'm sorry, Tom.

00:17:39.391 --> 00:17:42.853 align:center
Are you saying you're the one who
committed these gruesome acts of violence?

00:17:43.479 --> 00:17:44.313 align:center
Yeah.

00:17:48.317 --> 00:17:49.359 align:center
And then you…

00:17:49.443 --> 00:17:51.445 align:center
Put the guy's hand in a blender.

00:17:55.365 --> 00:17:56.575 align:center
You don't listen!

00:18:14.259 --> 00:18:16.220 align:center
Open up. Open your mouth.

00:18:16.970 --> 00:18:18.639 align:center
Open your mouth.

00:18:18.722 --> 00:18:20.891 align:center
You got a system, huh?

00:18:20.974 --> 00:18:22.392 align:center
You got a system that works?

00:18:22.476 --> 00:18:23.602 align:center
Does that work?

00:18:23.685 --> 00:18:24.686 align:center
Open your mouth!

00:18:42.538 --> 00:18:44.832 align:center
All right, that's it. You're under arrest.

00:18:44.915 --> 00:18:46.333 align:center
No, no. Sorry.

00:18:47.167 --> 00:18:48.627 align:center
Actually…

00:18:50.003 --> 00:18:51.463 align:center
I still have the receipt.

00:18:54.550 --> 00:18:57.803 align:center
Oh, yeah. Yep.
It says "splash of milk" right there.

00:18:59.054 --> 00:19:00.556 align:center
-Sorry about that, sir.
-Yeah.

00:19:00.639 --> 00:19:02.766 align:center
You missed the first part of the story.

00:19:02.850 --> 00:19:03.851 align:center
Jinx.

00:19:03.934 --> 00:19:04.977 align:center
You owe me a Coke.

00:19:05.811 --> 00:19:06.937 align:center
How about a coffee?

00:19:10.149 --> 00:19:11.191 align:center
That's a good one.

00:19:11.275 --> 00:19:13.152 align:center
Oh! I'm exhausted.

00:19:13.735 --> 00:19:15.154 align:center
You killed three people.

00:19:15.237 --> 00:19:17.406 align:center
I know. I've never done that.

00:19:19.032 --> 00:19:20.909 align:center
I don't know how you guys do it.

00:19:21.952 --> 00:19:22.870 align:center
Take it easy.

00:19:24.997 --> 00:19:27.207 align:center
Hey, little Hollywood

00:19:27.291 --> 00:19:30.168 align:center
You're gone but you're not forgot

00:19:30.252 --> 00:19:34.256 align:center
You got the cash
But your credit's no good

00:19:34.339 --> 00:19:37.342 align:center
You flipped the script
And you shot the plot

00:19:37.426 --> 00:19:39.261 align:center
And I remember, I remember

00:19:39.344 --> 00:19:43.599 align:center
When the neon
Used to burn so bright and pink

00:19:43.682 --> 00:19:45.434 align:center
So bright and pink!

00:19:46.560 --> 00:19:51.565 align:center
A Saturday night kind of pink
bright and pink