WEBVTT

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Pilot sex shit?

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What the fuck?

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Anyway, we need you to land the plane.

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-What?
-You said you speak Spanish.

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-But--
-So does the air traffic controller.

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Put on the headphones. Sit down.

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Put the headphones.

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-Okay. Okay.
-That one.

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Good luck, man.

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1723. Do you copy?

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Uh, yes. This is 1723.

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My God.

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I'm not a pilot!

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I don't have a fucking clue
how to be a pilot.

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Don't worry, everything will be fine.

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My name is José,

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I understand
that the pilots are incapacitated.

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Uh…

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Yes.

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Don't worry. I will guide you.

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Okay, let's breathe.

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Let's see, what's your name?

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-My name is Tom.
-Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you.

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I want you to pull the lever
that says Throttle two.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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And grab the yoke.

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Now you're going to move that yoke gently,

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so I can see how the plane is moving.

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Yes, José.

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It's moving the plane a little.

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Wow, Tom.

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I know you've never flown a plane before,
but you're doing it very well.

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We're going to be fine.

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I'm very scared.

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It's just that…

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It's just that I feel like I'm going to
have terrible diarrhea any moment here.

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Many people get airplane diarrhea,
don't worry.

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Yes, that's true.

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Wow, and what do you do, Tom?

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The funny thing is that I'm a comedian.

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Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you.

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And what is your last name?
Maybe I know you.

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My last name is Segura.

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Tom Segura?

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Yes.

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Oh, yes.

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I have heard of you.

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Yes?

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Your comedy
is not very nice, cabrón.

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Oh, you speak English?

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You know, Tom Segura,

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I have a brother who has Down syndrome.

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And you like to say
that people are retarded, correct?

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Look, man, I'm sorry
if I ever said something

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that was… offensive like that.

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Like, I use it to describe, like,
a friend doing something silly, you know.

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-Like my brother.
-No, of course not.

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What I'm saying is, like, sometimes,
you know, your friend does something dumb.

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You know what I mean?

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Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception.

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You're like… You know?

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No. No, I do not know, actually.

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José, can we please put
my dumb career choices aside

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and just help with this
real life-threatening issue, José?

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Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go.

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Oh, my God, dude, please.
This is going down so fast.

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I'm sorry that I've said
stupid offensive things that are reckless.

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I say things on stage
sometimes to get a laugh.

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That's not who I am as a person.

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Okay, so what you say at work
you don't really mean.

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Exactly, José. Yes.

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Oh, okay, I understand now.

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You see that red button
that's next to the altitude?

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-Yeah.
-Push it.

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Oh!

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Am I supposed to push it

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-or are you making a point?
-I don't know.

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I'm at work right now.
What did you say about people at work?

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Are you fucking kidding me?

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José!

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I'm sorry, José. Please!

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Words matter, cabrón.

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Okay, goodbye.

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What time does lunch start you say?

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Soon enough, right? Hmm.

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José, please!

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José! José, please! What do I do?

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Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there?

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Oh, my God.

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Thank God. I wanted to say, bro,

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-I love your podcast.
-What?

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Okay, ciao. Blessings.

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Oh, my God! What have I done?

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-Tom!
-Yes, I'm here.

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The one with your wife, not the other one.

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The other one is hard to listen to.

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Please, help me!

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José!

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Oh, fuck!

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This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina.
He was sitting in economy.

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Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot!

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Hello.

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Oh… Oh…

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Oh!

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Oh…

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Oh… Oh, my God.

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1723. We are level
and heading in the normal direction.

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You really became a pilot today, huh?

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That guy was such a dick.

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So we have, uh,
about three hours left on the flight.

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We can make the most of it.

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Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?

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-What?
-What are you doing?

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Let's get to the fucking, huh?

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Bro, what?

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I'm going back to my seat, man.

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-You sure?
-Yeah.

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Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man.

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-You're really gonna leave? Okay.
-Yeah.

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You're already here.

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No.

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All right, let's do it.

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Okay.

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Teach me how to fly, man.

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Communication is fascinating.

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It's not just language or speaking.

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It's about conveying how you feel,

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what you're thinking,
the joy you're experiencing.

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And who are some of our
best communicators?

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Dolphins.

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'90s Oprah.

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Politicians.

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Look at this guy.

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He's got 'em all fired up.

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So, I hope you enjoy these stories
about communication.

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But if you don't…

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How do I say this?

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Yeah, that works.

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Whoa. Do I speak sign language?

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I totally understood that.

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So this is Burbank, California.

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Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh?

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It's real neat.

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Definitely a far cry from Boise,
that's for sure.

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You know who, I read, comes here?

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Jay Leno.

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What do you think about that, huh?

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He parks his hot rod right out there.

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And he comes here. That is really cool.

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You're right, Dad. That is really cool.

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Yeah, it's really cool.

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I'm sorry.

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I never do this,
but I just had to come up and say

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that fucking you last week was so fun.

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I'm sorry, what?

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So fun.

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Enjoy your meal.

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I have no idea who that was.

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Yes, you do.

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I knew it.

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What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad.

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This is gonna kill your mother.

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Come on. I dated Jill for two years.

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Welcome to Darwin's.
I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of…

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Oh, shit!

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I turned this boy's pussy
inside out last night.

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What are you talking about?

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All gas, no brakes. Raw.

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Honey, look.
There's that slut we made prolapse.

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He was gagging on my balls.

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It was pathetic.

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Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too.

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Why is everyone saying they fucked me?

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Because we did.

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In that game.

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Is that me?

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It's actually a cool story.

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There's a passion project.

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This IT guy developed
a game in his basement.

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He went on to make,
like, a billion dollars off it.

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It's inspiring.

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Cyrus?

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Hey, make that face you do, that…

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Welcome to the property.

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Welcome to the property.

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Cyrus?

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Evan? Is that you?

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I barely recognize you, man.

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You barely recognize me?

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I know. It's pretty cool, right?

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It's crazy what 800 million
in videogame sales can buy.

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This is fucking horsehair.

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Yeah. I think we need to talk.

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Come on in, bud.

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Did you make a video game
where aliens fuck me?

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I made a very successful video game
called Aliens Fuck Humans.

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I'm not sure what that has to do with you.

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What the fuck are you talking about?

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Look. This is clearly me.

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No.

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Okay. Well…

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then what is this?

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An AFH-KOHLUR collab.

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Dude, the human in the game
looks exactly like me.

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I don't see the resemblance.

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Take the fucking game down.

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Hey. Whoa, whoa.

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Are you mad?

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You want to play games with me?
I'll show you.

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-Oh, hey! Hey, man!
-I'll fucking show you.

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-Stop! Evan!
-Take the game down!

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That's $11 million--

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-Take the fucking game down!
-Stop! Stop! Stop!

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Fuck!

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Yes.

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God damn.

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The human in the game
is modeled after you.

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Yeah. No shit.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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Why would you put me in this game?

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I don't know.

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I guess you just kind of have
a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know?

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I didn't know the game
was gonna blow up the way it did.

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And looking back…

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I definitely should
not have used you in it.

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So you'll take the game down?

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No, it's impossible.

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There's hard copies everywhere.

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But I have been developing a new game.

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Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

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And in this new game,
you do not get fucked by aliens.

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You're actually the hero.

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I'll cut you in on a piece of the action.

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Fifty-fifty split.

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You'll be rich as shit.

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And I'm not gonna be getting fucked
by aliens in the new game?

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No.

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Let me show you.

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AFH IV is the future of VR gaming.

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It's the first of its kind
to use real time neural imaging

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of the user's brain to create
the most realistic experiences possible.

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What does that even mean?

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Well, it means you're now the co-owner
of this kickass breakthrough tech,

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partner.

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Try it out.

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Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

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Evan's Revenge.

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Holy shit.

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This feels so real.

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It's pretty cool, right?

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Is this my childhood home?

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It is.

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Wow.

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Hello, son.

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Dad?

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Happy birthday, buddy.

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Would you like some cake?

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Why does the cake say
"Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it?

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Oh, my God.

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Dude, this thing just got real tight.

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That's weird.

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Word on the street is you like cake.

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Oh!

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-Go on. Have a slice.
-The fuck is happening?

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That's it.

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Fuck, I can't control my legs, man.

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You'll control your legs
when you finish the cake.

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Is this all because I wouldn't give you

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a piece of cake
at Cheryl's birthday party?

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I don't know. Is it?

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Cyrus! Cyrus, please!

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Do you know what flavor this cake is, son?

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-Cyrus…
-It's papa flavor.

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Cyrus, don't do this.

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Eat all the cake up.

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Yum, yum, yum.

13:17.046 --> 13:18.672
You can eat it out of my ass.

13:18.756 --> 13:20.508
Cyrus, please.

13:21.884 --> 13:22.968
Don't do it.

13:23.052 --> 13:24.762
Lick it all up.

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Cyrus, don't!

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No!

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Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus?

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No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena.

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Oh, Dad!

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Did you want a juice?

13:38.484 --> 13:39.944
-Oh!
-Papaya?

13:40.027 --> 13:40.945
Mmm…

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-Cyrus!
-Actually, papaya sounds nice.

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-Thank you.
-Oh, no!

13:44.865 --> 13:47.117
Cyrus, please! Oh!

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No, Dad!

13:48.911 --> 13:50.704
-No!
-This shit is amazing.

13:52.581 --> 13:55.376
Cyrus, no!

14:08.347 --> 14:10.099
Keep the news stations at bay.

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They'll be showing up
in about 15 minutes, Carmen.

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Hi, Tom.

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I'm Detective Jacobs.

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Now, I know you've been through a lot,

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but when you're ready, I'm here to listen.

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Okay?

14:27.074 --> 14:28.033
Okay.

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Okay.

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I can take you through what happened.

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Um…

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I was waiting in line to buy a coffee.

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Like I do every day.

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Hi. Can I help you?

14:42.172 --> 14:44.884
Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee?

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-Sure. That'll be $3.45.
-With--

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Sorry.

14:49.305 --> 14:52.474
I just have a few, uh, modifications.

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Okay.

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Large iced coffee, extra ice, please.

14:56.979 --> 15:01.525
And just a small splash
of whole milk, please.

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Still $3.45.

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Thank you.

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-Do you need to, uh…
-What?

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Type it in?

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No, I… I got it. We have a system.

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No, I know you got it.

15:15.748 --> 15:19.001
I wasn't trying to suggest
that you couldn't remember that.

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I just meant…

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Sometimes when it's not typed in,

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-it's not… They don't see it.
-Okay.

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Iced coffee, extra ice,
splash of whole milk.

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-That is it.
-$3.45.

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Thank you.

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Would you like to tip?

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-Sure
-How much?

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A dollar?

15:43.025 --> 15:44.485
Five seems right.

15:46.570 --> 15:47.404
Next.

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Tom. Iced coffee for Tom…

15:52.701 --> 15:53.911
with modifications.

15:54.578 --> 15:56.121
Jesus Christ.

15:59.458 --> 16:01.251
Sir. Excuse me.

16:01.335 --> 16:02.962
Could we talk about this?

16:03.921 --> 16:05.172
Could I meet you down here?

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Excuse me. Hi.

16:07.967 --> 16:09.635
Will you please stand still?

16:09.718 --> 16:11.804
Uh, can you remake this?

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I'm a little busy, man.

16:13.764 --> 16:16.475
No, I know.
I'm not trying to be rude, I promise.

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I just, uh… I can't drink this much milk.

16:18.936 --> 16:20.688
You know, I-- I paid for it.

16:20.771 --> 16:22.523
So could you just remake this

16:22.606 --> 16:25.401
with less milk… please?

16:26.151 --> 16:27.444
-Less milk?
-Please.

16:27.528 --> 16:30.364
-Yeah, man. I got you.
-Thanks.

16:41.542 --> 16:42.918
Now it's got less milk.

16:49.341 --> 16:50.718
I'm a professional barista.

16:50.801 --> 16:52.469
I know what a fucking splash is.

16:54.346 --> 16:55.806
Holy shit!

16:55.889 --> 16:57.766
Oh, my God.

16:57.850 --> 17:00.227
Now the devil's in a rush

17:16.535 --> 17:18.954
Oh, fuck!

17:37.848 --> 17:39.308
I'm sorry, Tom.

17:39.391 --> 17:42.853
Are you saying you're the one who
committed these gruesome acts of violence?

17:43.479 --> 17:44.313
Yeah.

17:48.317 --> 17:49.359
And then you…

17:49.443 --> 17:51.445
Put the guy's hand in a blender.

17:55.365 --> 17:56.575
You don't listen!

18:14.259 --> 18:16.220
Open up. Open your mouth.

18:16.970 --> 18:18.639
Open your mouth.

18:18.722 --> 18:20.891
You got a system, huh?

18:20.974 --> 18:22.392
You got a system that works?

18:22.476 --> 18:23.602
Does that work?

18:23.685 --> 18:24.686
Open your mouth!

18:42.538 --> 18:44.832
All right, that's it. You're under arrest.

18:44.915 --> 18:46.333
No, no. Sorry.

18:47.167 --> 18:48.627
Actually…

18:50.003 --> 18:51.463
I still have the receipt.

18:54.550 --> 18:57.803
Oh, yeah. Yep.
It says "splash of milk" right there.

18:59.054 --> 19:00.556
-Sorry about that, sir.
-Yeah.

19:00.639 --> 19:02.766
You missed the first part of the story.

19:02.850 --> 19:03.851
Jinx.

19:03.934 --> 19:04.977
You owe me a Coke.

19:05.811 --> 19:06.937
How about a coffee?

19:10.149 --> 19:11.191
That's a good one.

19:11.275 --> 19:13.152
Oh! I'm exhausted.

19:13.735 --> 19:15.154
You killed three people.

19:15.237 --> 19:17.406
I know. I've never done that.

19:19.032 --> 19:20.909
I don't know how you guys do it.

19:21.952 --> 19:22.870
Take it easy.

19:24.997 --> 19:27.207
Hey, little Hollywood

19:27.291 --> 19:30.168
You're gone but you're not forgot

19:30.252 --> 19:34.256
You got the cash
But your credit's no good

19:34.339 --> 19:37.342
You flipped the script
And you shot the plot

19:37.426 --> 19:39.261
And I remember, I remember

19:39.344 --> 19:43.599
When the neon
Used to burn so bright and pink

19:43.682 --> 19:45.434
So bright and pink!

19:46.560 --> 19:51.565
A Saturday night kind of pink
bright and pink