WEBVTT

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Oh, come on, sir.

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-Where's my slice?
-Sorry, Cyrus. All out.

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Oh, my God.

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Stay away from me.

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Saint Mary's?

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Is that where you're coming from?

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-What's happening outside?
-It's a good hospital.

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You probably went under
when most people did.

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Shit started to go wild.

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Computers crashed,
then the aliens showed up.

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-Wh-- What?
-Yeah.

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The whole world's gone to shit.

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Aliens out there…

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…forcing people.

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Having their way with them.

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Sexually.

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Sexually?

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I don't understand.

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What's your name?

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-I'm… I'm Evan.
-Evan.

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That's a nice name.

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I'm Roger. Come on.

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I got you.

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You'll be all right.

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I gotta get out of here, man.

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You're lucky you found this place.

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We're safe in here.

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How long have you been here?

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A long time.

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You haven't tried to leave?

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-There's only one way to get out of here.
-What?

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What is it?

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You're not gonna like it.

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I don't care if I don't like it, man.

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Just tell me.

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I saw some people do it
when I first got here.

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It was horrible.

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You saw it and it worked?

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Why haven't you tried?

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You need two people.

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They both have to be committed.

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That's good.

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All right.

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We're two people, and we're committed.

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Just tell me what it is.

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Okay.

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You see that toilet over there?

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Yeah.

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I'm gonna sit on that toilet.

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And when I do,

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there will be a gap between my legs.

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You're gonna come over there
and you're gonna sit in that gap.

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And listen, this is where it gets odd.

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We both have to shit at the same time.

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And if we can do that,

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a portal

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will open on that wall

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and we can leave this madness.

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How could you fuck with me like that, man?

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I'm not fucking with you.

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Sit on a toilet with you
and shit at the same time?

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-It works.
-Yeah.

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Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.

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I'm fucking out of here.

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I wouldn't do that.

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I just went in to have
my appendix removed.

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You see this wall?

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This is the portal that opens some…

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interdimensional alien something. I…

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I've seen it.

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It works.

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This is insane, man.

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So I'm just gonna sit back

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so the gap is big enough for you there.

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And then we're gonna shit together?

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Take a look around, man.

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You fell asleep in the hospital
and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.

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Machines fighting aliens,
aliens fucking humans.

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Is this really the craziest thing
happening these days?

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-They're fucking humans?
-Uh…

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Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable

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if you just kind of
faced out the other way.

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Turn around.

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-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay.

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Yeah.

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All right.

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Now we just need to focus.

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Here we go, Roger.

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Here we go.

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I shit.

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I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.

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Evan, I…

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I didn't go.

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What? You… You didn't? But…

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I guess I wasn't ready.

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Do you maybe have another one in you?

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Another one? I don't know, man.

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Hold on.

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-Oh, maybe a little one.
-Ah.

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-That's enough.
-Okay.

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All right. Here it goes. You ready?

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-You bet.
-Yeah, okay.

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Okay, here it goes. Here it…

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I did it.

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I shit!

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Oh, my God!

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Did you shit too?

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You know what?

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I didn't.

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You didn't go?

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Then why did I just shit
between your legs?

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So I can come, baby.

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What do you think?

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I love it.

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All right! Nice!

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-We'll take it.
-Great.

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-He's a good kid.
-Yeah.

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How'd you trick him?

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I made him shit.

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You did?

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-That's very clever.
-Is it?

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Yeah. That is very clever.

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Do you want the neuron adapter?

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It shocks you when the alien comes.

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Buddy, what do you think?

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-Yeah!
-Yeah, let's go for it.

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All right.

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Some people say it hurts,
but I think it adds to the experience.

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Success is tough.

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Some people define success

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as spending quality time
with the people they love.

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I think we can all agree
that those people are losers.

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Success means different things
to different people.

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To this person, it's gaining followers.

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To this guy, success means spreading
conspiracy theories on the Internet.

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I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,

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and the measles vaccine
caused my hair to fall out.

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And to this man,
it means going to the bathroom

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without filling up the entire toilet

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with blood.

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Not today.

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What does success mean to you?

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He's one of the most
successful actors to grace the screen.

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He's punched, he's kicked,
he's flipped countless bad guys.

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Didn't your mother teach you
not to stay out after dark?

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Now we are behind the scenes
on the super-secret set

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of the new high-octane thriller
Maximum Kickage.

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Starring the man, the myth,
the legend himself,

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Steven Seagal.

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Steven, you look great.

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Yeah.

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In the film, you play Drake Kicking,

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an American sent to Russia
to expose corrupt FBI agents

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who are running
a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.

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Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.

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Also, I'm a doctor.

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Also, I make love to many beautiful women.

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Sort of like you.

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Yeah.

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Like any great Steven Seagal movie,

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the audience can expect
heart-pounding fight scenes.

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I do karate on a helicopter.

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I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.

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I do all my own shit.

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Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.

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Open up.

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That was your fault.

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Isn't it dangerous
to do stunts practically?

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-If you're a bitch.
-Right.

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Van Damme is a bitch.

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Wesley Snipes is a bitch.

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Daniel Craig's a bitch.

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-So how do you--
-Jason Statham's a bitch.

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-Oh.
-Tom Cruise. Did I say him?

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-You did.
-He's a double bitch.

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What's it like shooting a movie in Russia?

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The greatest. The greatest.

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My good friend Vladimir Putin

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was very excited.

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This has been a dream come true.

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-Y'all supposed to be FBI?
-Mm-hmm.

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You're fittin' to be FB bye-bye.

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Hi. I'm James Gonzalez,
and I play FBI Villain One. Yeah.

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-You'll pay for this.
-Yeah.

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-Uh, cut.
-What the fuck, Steven?

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I'm Ericka.
I play the Head of Special Forces,

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and working with Steven
has been an incredible experience.

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Um, I can't speak highly--

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Um…

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Oh, uh…

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Um…

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Sugar, this ain't nothing but a nuke.

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Cut the black wire.

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From what I hear,
you don't always stick to the script.

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Well, I am the king of improv.

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In my 30 years on Special Forces,
I've never seen anyone as brave as you.

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-Shut up and kiss me.
-What? Um…

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Um…

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I've gotta… The bomb's ticking out.

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Um, no.

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What are we doing here?

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In my 30 years on Special Forces,
I've never seen anyone as brave as you.

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Shut up and kiss me.

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Like I said, I am the king of improv.

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You do have a way with words.

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-Fuck, fuck, fuck…
-Do we need to cut?

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No, baby. These are my investors.

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What's up?

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Hey, what a surprise.

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Nyet? All right.
Well, this is gonna be a classic.

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It's got fights.

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Hardcore sex…

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We've seen the dailies,
this is a garbage movie.

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We only got one more scene. That's it.

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You're gonna love it.

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You idiot, you owe us $80 million.

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Oleg, remove his testicles.

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Hey, hey, no, listen, y'all.

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Just give old Stevie one more shot.

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It's going to be a beautiful scene.
Come watch.

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Let me do my magic.

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Let me keep my testicles.

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Fine, let's see this scene.

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Thank you.

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Roll, mark.

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Here we go. Ready and action!

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America says it's tax time.

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Ah!

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You know, I could kill you
very easily right now.

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But I know you'll be
waiting for me in hell.

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Fuck it.

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I'm dyin'.

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I'm bleeding and I'm dying.
Look at me die, everybody.

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Dumbass.

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Cut.

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Camera down! I said camera down!

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That was the best acting
I've ever seen me do.

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We have enough to finish the film.

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Wait. It ain't got to be like this. Wait!

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PLEASE WAIT

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Maximum Kickage coming to hotel rooms
and Russian annexed territories this fall.

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Yeah. I just want to go home, man.

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Hey, hen hounds,

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it's your favorite country
global superstar, Rex Henley.

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I've been seeing the comments
y'all have been leaving

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on my social media platforms
and I've been hearing the jokes on TV.

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Country singer, Rex Henley,
has a new single.

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It's called, and I'm not making this up,

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Rich Guy Advice.

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That's the actual the title of the album.

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Rex Henley is a fucking weirdo.

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This is the guy who used
to write heartfelt American songs

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about his '65 Chevy.

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Now he's doing this?

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I get it. Maybe I got too many fancy cars.

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Planes and…

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drink too many iced macchiatos.

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Rex, here's some rich-guy advice for you.

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Stop making music, please.

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I'mma make a promise to y'all.

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The next time you hear a Rex Henley song,

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you're gonna get touched

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in a way you've never been touched before.

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And I like that.

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I really like that.

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Run faster. Where are you?

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Hey, come here! Hurry up!

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Hey! What are you doing?

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No, sir, oh, please, sir.
I was just trying to tie my shoe.

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You bastard!

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It's here, hurry up!

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Move, quick!

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Move, quickly!

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Oh, my God. Oh. Please don't hurt me.

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No one's gonna hurt you.

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Where am I?

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The last thing I remember
was being at a concert, I think?

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Yeah, we were all at a fucking concert.

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Here we go.

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Don't even think about runnin'.

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Big trucks, cold beer

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Stars and stripes
Still fly around here

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He's coming.

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He's coming.

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What the fuck?

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Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!

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Just keep clapping.

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All right!

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Is that Rex Henley?

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Whoo! All right, you guys ready
for an unplugged sesh?

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Yeah.

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Hey-hey, that's the good stuff, man.

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God damn, I miss those cheers.

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Feels good when they clap.

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All right. Whoo!

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Now, where my hen hounds at?

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You guys ready to get to it?
You lazy bums.

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What is happening?

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-Enough resting.
-He's kidnapped a bunch of his fans.

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-We're here to work.
-He's mining us for material.

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He's trying to write a new album.

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So think of this as a conversation.

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We are wiping out the walls
between you and me

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in an effort to get to the truth.

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That's where I want to go.

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I want to get to the real stuff.
Slick stuff, raw stuff.

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He even built this fake town
to try to relate to normal folk.

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The only way you do that
is by being honest.

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I'm in pursuit of it.

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He calls us the poors.
I'm a brain surgeon.

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Now, who's ready
to share a problem they got?

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You, hat, tell me one of your problems.

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Uh…

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My feet hurt.

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My feet hurt.

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You hear this shit?

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You think I wanna write a song
about a busted fucking flip-flop?

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This ain't Margaritaville, muchacho.
I want some real shit.

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Why don't you go get your toes done?
Anybody else?

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You.

17:39.600 --> 17:42.227
My mother died in 9/11.

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Ooh! I like that.

17:46.065 --> 17:48.233
Byung Sung, where are your manners?

17:48.317 --> 17:50.194
Give this starving bitch a shrimp.

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This hag.

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Here's a bunch. Eat it, bitch!

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On a cold September morning

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Mama got up to go to work

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Yeah, I can work with that.
I like that. Very nice.

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You know, I like 9/11
as much as the next guy.

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But my good buddy, Byung Sung, here

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just reminded me that a few months ago,

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you said your mama died in a hurricane.

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Now, I do not quite recall
what sent those towers crumbling down,

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because I was very busy that morning.

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But I'm pretty sure
it wasn't a fucking hurricane!

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No!

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Oh!

18:53.632 --> 18:56.635
Guys? Guys? Guys!

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This is about trust.

18:59.221 --> 19:01.431
I mean, we're a family here.

19:03.475 --> 19:06.562
Families love each other,
families laugh together.

19:08.522 --> 19:10.149
We laugh all goddamn day.

19:10.232 --> 19:11.859
Oh, we're not a family.

19:11.942 --> 19:13.026
What was that?

19:14.278 --> 19:15.821
-What'd you just say?
-Uh…

19:16.947 --> 19:20.951
I said… I said, "We're not a family."

19:21.535 --> 19:24.955
Uh, yes, we are. It says it right there
on the fucking merch!

19:26.623 --> 19:29.418
Well, family don't, uh, kidnap each other.

19:44.892 --> 19:45.809
You just…

19:47.936 --> 19:49.354
Fuck!

19:49.438 --> 19:51.899
Way to ruin the groove, you selfish shit.

19:53.525 --> 19:56.612
Session's over. No more jamming today.

19:56.695 --> 19:59.197
Byung Sung, take that bullshit.

19:59.781 --> 20:01.783
God damn it!

20:01.867 --> 20:03.035
Nice knowing you.

20:05.412 --> 20:08.415
Move quickly!

20:15.714 --> 20:18.383
-Get in and find her. Got it?
-Yes, sir.

20:18.467 --> 20:20.010
Let me open the door now.

20:20.093 --> 20:21.595
-Get ready.
-Yes!

20:21.678 --> 20:22.763
Here you go.

20:27.935 --> 20:29.478
Get on your feet now!

20:29.561 --> 20:31.563
No!

20:31.647 --> 20:33.690
Hold her!

20:33.774 --> 20:34.983
Come here!

20:35.525 --> 20:37.402
Hey, where is it? Find it quickly!

20:37.486 --> 20:38.445
On your knees!

20:38.528 --> 20:39.696
Oh, God, please!

20:39.780 --> 20:41.073
What?

20:41.156 --> 20:43.909
Oh. Don't kill me! Please, please, please.

21:32.082 --> 21:35.877
Big trucks, cold beer

21:36.461 --> 21:39.798
Stars and stripes
Still fly around here

21:39.881 --> 21:41.091
Yeah, they do

21:44.720 --> 21:48.348
Fast cars, hitchin' bass

21:48.890 --> 21:53.312
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!

21:54.271 --> 21:58.108
Whoo! Yeah, kickin' ass
' ass, yeah!