[announcer] Alright, y'all ready? Y'all ready?
[cheering and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ralph Barbosa!
- [cheering and applause] - [♪ "What Is It" by Webbie playing]
♪ Is it my style, the way I roll ♪
♪ That make these haters wanna hate some mo ♪
♪ Is it my car, is it my clothes ♪
♪ That make these hoes wanna fuck fa sho ♪
- [cheering and applause continue] - ♪ Is it my style, the way I roll ♪
♪ That make these haters wanna hate some mo ♪
[♪ song fades out]
What's up, everybody?
- [cheering and applause] - Oh, yeah.
Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much
for coming to my show.
[audience member] We love you, Ralph!
I love you too, bro.
[scattered cheering and applause]
I just-- I just been having fun, man.
I'm recently single.
- [whooping and cheering] - Thank you. Thank you.
I cheated, but thank you.
- [laughter] - Uh... I'm playing.
I'm playing, I didn't cheat. I would never, ever hurt a woman.
Um, I just-- I'm single, I don't know.
[audience laughing]
I like being single, I like dating around, you know?
It's fun. I'm 28 now.
I'm experienced enough that I can see stuff I don't like
coming a mile away.
Like, I don't like when women have trust issues.
I'm sorry somebody gave you trust issues, but I ain't got no time for that.
- [laughter] - Like, I was with this one girl
and I was just being straightforward.
I was like, "Hey, before we mess around,
just please don't leave me hickeys, I don't like that."
And she got mad. She was like, "Why?
You got hos?"
[audience laughing]
Yes.
[laughter]
I'm not that good-looking.
It took me a very long time to accumulate these hos.
[laughter and applause]
Don't fuck this up for me.
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckling]
Hey, ho-- hos don't like that joke.
- Uh... - [audience laughing]
Women laugh at it, but hos don't, so if you didn't laugh...
You see how now, they're like, "Ha, ha, ha."
[laughter]
"I didn't get it at first."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
Oh yeah, but you know, I'm out here having some fun.
I know what I like and what I don't like.
Like, I like a woman from a broken home.
[laughter]
The less parents I have to meet, the better.
[laughter]
I like girls-- I like girls who don't wear, like, way too much makeup.
Like, I like-- I get it. Sometimes you guys like to put on a lot.
- Like, for sport. - [laughter]
Yeah, I see-- I see those videos y'all be making.
You're like, "Here's how you apply
a shitload."
- And-- - [audience laughing]
But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about sometimes,
you're just-- you're just going out to dinner,
or you're just going to the bar, and y'all put on way too much.
And you can always tell when a girl put on way too much makeup.
'Cause when y'all take it off, we're just like, "Oh, shit."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Hey, you're an artist."
[laughter]
"And a liar."
[laughter]
I think I'm too smart for most women that I date.
I can't help it, God made me just a maniacal genius.
[laughter]
Like, I went out with this one girl
and when we were leaving the restaurant,
they were giving out free lollipops.
I took a strawberry and a green apple.
She was like, "Which one are you gonna keep?"
I said, "I want green apple, but I feel like you want that one too,
so I'ma let you have it."
She was like, "Oh, that's how I know you care about me.
You gave me the one you wanted."
[audience laughing]
In my mind, I was like, "You stupid fucking...
I never wanted green apple."
[laughter]
"I never wanted you, bitch." No, I'm sorry, I didn't...
- I... [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
That's too mean. That's too mean, I'm not...
I'm not that mean, man.
If anything, I feel like I'm a sucker for women.
Women have a lot of power over me, man.
Whatever they say goes.
Like, I've been doing my best not to get high with strangers.
And it's easy to say "No."
It's usually just some dude after a show like,
"Hey, you wanna smoke out in my car?"
I'm like, "I'm okay, guy."
But if a woman was to try to get me high, man, I w-- I don't care.
I'll be like, "Yeah, I love heroin. What's up?"
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
I feel like girls are really big on traveling nowadays.
Girls love to travel.
So, if you're dating somebody and y'all start to get serious,
eventually, y'all gotta travel together. It's gonna happen.
But that can be tough on your pockets.
[scattered laughter]
That's why I only go out with girls who are here illegally.
[laughter]
[Ralph laughing]
Undocumented women, y'all are done traveling.
[audience laughing]
Y'all have reached your final destination.
[laughter]
They don't wanna go anywhere.
Well, I mean, they do, but they can't.
[laughter]
That's my excuse for not even taking 'em on dates.
I'd be like, "Let's just stay home tonight.
I don't want them to take you from me, baby."
[laughter]
"Let's go under the covers where they can't find you."
[laughter]
"We're gonna play hide the illegal." Nah, just playing, uh...
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
Hey, that's-- that's-- that's a dumbass joke.
But it's just a joke. But I like-- I like when I say it,
'cause I'll look around at the audience, and I can tell.
By the faces y'all make, I can tell who's illegal in here.
[audience laughing]
A couple girls were looking at me like, "Fuck that joke."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
Play it cool, bitch, they're gonna find you. Nah.
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
Hey, I didn't-- I didn't even know this.
And maybe this is me just being, like, ignorant,
or maybe a little privileged that I was born on this side of the line.
But I didn't know that a lot of people who are undocumented
don't like to be called illegals.
This girl I was dating got real mad at me.
She was like, "I'm not illegal. Stop calling me illegal.
I'm undocumented."
I said, "Bitch, it is illegal to be undocumented."
[laughter]
"Just be yourself."
- I was like, "You're an artist." - [laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
But I like-- I like being single, going out with other of my single friends.
Like, I was out, it was like six of us Mexican dudes.
And then my buddy Zach was with us.
He was the only white dude in the crew that night.
And Zach was the only one talking to a girl,
which I'm cool with. I'm a great wing man.
That girl was looking at us like,
"Dang, you know, all these Mexicans, one white dude."
She goes, "How do y'all even know each other?"
And this is how I know I'm a badass wing man.
'Cause without even thinking about it, I was like,
"Oh, we-- we work on his property."
[laughter]
The other Mexicans I was with, they're "no sabo" kids.
They don't even know Spanish.
But I was like, "Right, guys?" They're like, "Si."
- [laughter] - "Neta."
[chuckles]
I live-- I live with my dad right now,
but I wanna move out because it's hard
to, you know, have sex.
- [laughter] - And...
it's the only thing holding me back right now, you know?
You ever have quiet sex?
Or like, you ever live with somebody else's parents?
Like, if you're a dude, you ever live at your girl's parents' house?
- It's horrible. - [scattered laughter]
I lived with a girl once,
and I remember, her mom's room was right next to her room.
The only time we could have sex
was if I camouflaged the sweet sounds of love...
- with my snoring. - [laughter]
Every night, I was in there like.
- [rhythmic snoring] - [laughter]
[laughter continues]
It's hard having quiet sex. You gotta, like, whisper-yell dirty talk.
I was like... [scary whisper] "You like that?"
[audience laughing]
Sounded like a little demon. [scary whisper] "You like that, bitch?"
[laughter]
I remember this one night, she was like, "Go faster."
I was like, "Shit, I'll try."
- [snoring rapidly] - [laughter]
It sounded like we had baby pigs running around.
[laughter]
I said, "Don't come in here. We're watching farm videos."
[laughter]
Finish her off with a... [stifled snoring]
- "Mi-mi-mi-mi." - [laughter]
The next morning, her mom was like, "Hey, you slept good last night."
I said, "You fucking right I did, gimme some."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
But yeah, I live-- I live with my dad, it's cool.
All my family, they're-- they're real-- they're real good to me.
They help me with my son when I'm not in town.
Like, my dad and my stepmom, they put in a lot of effort
to have a good relationship with my son, and I love that.
But my dad and my stepmom, they also put in a lot of effort
to have a good relationship with my son's mom.
And I don't need that. I don't...
[laughter]
'Cause now she's getting too comfortable, man.
My baby mama, she comes over all the time without even telling me.
One time, I came home and my baby mama was there,
but I had a girl with me.
It was awkward. The girl was like, "Who is that?"
I was like, "Oh, that's my sister."
- [laughter] - I had to play it off.
I grabbed my baby mama by the head and gave her a noogie.
- I was like... - [laughter]
I was like, "Stay outta my room, caca-head," like I just...
[laughter]
Bro, we went right back to court.
[laughter]
No, but I-- I shouldn't-- I shouldn't make fun of him.
I'm scared all the time, man.
I used to live in a little ghetto-ass neighborhood.
Every time I'd get home at night, I was, like, afraid
that somebody would rob me or something.
Now, now I live in a nice neighborhood. It's so safe.
But honestly, it's so safe that I'm-- I'm scared again.
They do shit that's not normal out there.
The other night, I went walking through a park,
like 10 p.m. at night just to clear my head.
And this little white girl comes up to me.
She was like eight years old, by herself.
She was like, "Hi."
I said, "Hell nah!"
[laughter]
It do-- it doesn't matter what color she is.
If any little girl is at a park this late at night by herself,
it's only for one of two reasons.
Either one, they're out here to catch pedophiles.
I don't want no part in her sting operation.
[laughter]
This little girl's a Fed, good for her.
[laughter]
Or two, this bitch is a demon.
[laughter]
Right now, she's all sweet and innocent.
"Hi." But in a minute, she gonna...
- [screeching] - [laughter]
Either way, she don't got nothing to do with me.
I'm minding my business. I kept walking.
I was ignoring her.
But she-- she kinda got me though, 'cause I get offended easily.
I'm a sensitive dude.
I kept walking and she keeps going.
She's like, "Hi." I said, "Nope."
- [light laughter] - And she goes again, "Hi."
I was like, "Uh-uh."
And then she goes... [clicking tongue] "Hola."
- I said, "Bitch." - [laughter]
"This is not a language thing..." [muttering]
[audience laughing]
Before y'all judge me for calling this little girl a bitch, I...
[chuckles]
I wanna remind y'all, I live in Texas. She had a gun.
[laughter]
- [audience member] Whoo! - [chuckles]
I do, I live out there in Texas.
And I like to mention that in every city that I get to perform in,
that I'm from Texas. 'cause no matter where you go,
it don't matter what city you're at,
you'll hear at least one or two like, "Whoo!"
And I'll be like, "Oh, you're from Texas too?"
- And they be like, "Nah, but you know." - [laughter]
I'm like, "Hell yeah, I appreciate it."
But some cities, they don't like Texas,
like New York.
And it's crazy to me that-- that in New York,
you could perform, like, five times a night.
You could do shows five times a night, every night of the week.
I was out there for like two weeks.
Every night, I mentioned I was from Texas,
and no-- never heard a "Whoo."
Well, one. I did one show in New York
where one person whoo-ed for Texas.
- And honestly, I wish they hadn't. - [scattered laughter]
'Cause that whole crowd just beat that lady's ass.
[laughter]
Even I got scared. I was like, "Haha, I was just playing, like..."
- [laughter] - "Fuck that bitch, right, guys?"
[laughter]
Nah, but I mean, like,
sometimes in-- in more, like, liberal states, they kinda,
you know, they-- they judge you when they know you're from Texas.
They think I got, like, all the-- the red values.
I don't have no, like, values, though. I just...
- [laughter] - I'm just kind of like here, you know?
I'm like the meme, I'm like a chill guy, like fucking...
[laughter]
There are some things where I'm like, "Alright, that's kind of crazy, man."
Like, alright, like a while back,
Texas goes and they banned abortion,
which I feel like that's extreme.
It's also-- it's a woman's issue.
I feel like only women should decide on-- on things like that.
- [cheering and applause] - Yeah.
- [scattered cheering continues] - But I mean, fuck it. We took the loss.
- [laughter] - Be careful.
Right when they banned abortion, they put up a sign.
As you're driving into Texas state lines,
there's a sign that's like, "Yo, you are now entering Texas.
- "Be careful, bro. - [laughter]
Make sure you love her."
[laughter]
But it's extreme, is my point. It's extreme.
But then, but then,
as if that wasn't extreme enough already,
not too long after that, Texas goes and they banned PornHub.
- And that's where I draw my line. - [laughter and cheering]
Because now, they're messing with my body.
[laughter]
My body, my choice, you know?
They banned PornHub in Texas. That's wild.
They banned it in a few states. That's wild though.
I didn't-- I didn't even care at first.
I was like, "So what if it's banned? It's just PornHub.
It's not that important."
And then, like four hours into the ban, it's like... [exhales sharply]
[laughter]
[singing] ♪ Why has God forsaken me ♪
[laughter]
I didn't even know they were gonna ban it.
I just-- I got on the website one day to check something else, and...
[audience laughing]
It was gone. They...
If you're in Texas or in any state where they banned PornHub,
they, uh-- and you-- and you try to pull up PornHub,
all that comes up is a-- a letter.
It's a letter from Porn-- more like a suicide note.
[laughter]
And the whole letter, they're just like, "Hey, like... [sighs] we tried."
- [laughter] - They're like, "Believe us,
we wanna give you so much porn, like..."
[laughter]
It says a lot of stuff, and then at the end of the letter,
it said, um, "If you want us back in your state,
please reach out to your local representatives."
[light laughter]
- I was like, "Hell nah!" - [laughter]
The hell? I was like, "God, no."
I was like, "Why would-- why would PornHub even ask me to do that?"
[light laughter]
Like, "Come on, bro. Think about it, PornHub.
If I delete you from my search history, I'm not gonna defend you publicly."
[laughter and applause]
I don't even know who my representatives are.
[laughter]
The only representative I know from Texas
is that dude Ted Cruz.
And what, you think
- I'm gonna write him an email? - [audience booing]
Be like, "Hey, bro...
- "I am horny. - [laughter]
"And a little lonely, and they sent me to you.
- What's up?" Like... - [laughter]
It's over, PornHub.
And honestly, I'm cool with it. I am.
'Cause PornHub, they go too far.
PornHub, they let anybody make a profile
and upload homemade videos.
That should not be allowed. Leave it to the pros.
- [laughter] - These are normal people.
They don't know how to make-- like, they make their own titles,
and-- and I-- I believe 'em.
Now, I'm worried about these strangers, like...
I was on this one girl's page and every video she uploaded,
the-- the title would be like,
"I bang my boyfriend's best friend while he's at work."
"I bang the neighbor while my boyfriend puts in OT."
"I bang my boyfriend's uncle at the family reunion."
It's like-- it's like, "Come on, bro.
I'm not even horny anymore."
[laughter]
I just wanna find her boyfriend.
[laughter]
I wanna find this man and be like, "Bro...
- "have you ever watched porn? - [laughter]
"I need to show you something. Come with me, like...
Your community does not love you, bro."
Every video she posted was like that.
Not one video, not one video was ever like,
"Today, I was faithful." Like...
[audience laughing]
I don't need those titles.
I don't even need a title. Just post the video, I'll figure it out.
[laughter]
I'll be like, "These two, they like each other. Let's go."
[laughter]
Hey, bro, I gave myself a lot of dick, right?
[laughter]
I even added a curve, I was like...
[laughter]
- It goes to the right a bit. Alright. - [laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
But yeah, they're going crazy down there.
Be careful. [snickering]
I've never been, like, a coke person.
My, uh, my all-time favorite drug is mushrooms.
- [cheering and applause] - Oh, yeah.
I love-- I love to get, like, stupid high on mushrooms,
'cause I'll start getting all these crazy ideas.
And I write 'em down on paper so I can read 'em when I'm sober again.
But every time I read what I wrote down, all I write is shit like...
- "Eat less mushrooms." - [laughter]
It'd be like, "I am scared."
[laughter]
But I'll throw the paper away. I'm like, "Pussy.
- [laughter] - That's mushroom talk."
Weed is cool, weed is a cool, like, day-to-day drug, you know.
[audience member] Whoo!
Like that one. I like edibles.
- [scattered cheers] - Edibles are fun when you forget
- that you ate one. - [laughter]
Sometimes they take longer than usual to kick in.
You'll eat one, you forget.
You're taking out the trash, you eat some food.
Right when you're cleaning your dish, outta nowhere,
the edible's like, "Remember, bitch?"
[laughter]
I'm like, "Yeah. I do now."
[laughter]
I'll eat an edible and I'll forget about it.
And I'll agree to do things that I should not be doing on edibles.
One time, I was driving my grandma to her doctor appointment.
Edible kicked in. Bro, we never arrived.
[laughter]
My grandma was mad.
She was in the backseat, like, "Por qué estamos en McDonald's?"
[laughter]
I was like, "The doctor said to come here."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I like smoking with people from time to time.
I try to get outta my comfort zone.
I'm a little introverted, man. Like, if I smoke
with a dude that I meet after a show or something,
like, I don't even know what to talk about,
but I feel the pressure to talk and to entertain.
So, I'll start the conversation off, but I'll start it with a lie.
I don't know why, I just-- dumbass lies.
I'll be like, "Hey, I have a dog."
[audience laughing]
They're like, "Oh, yeah?
Where'd you get it? What kind of dog?"
And then, I'm like, "Fuck!"
[laughter]
These lies I tell, though, they're teaching me a lot about me.
- I'm learning I'm a racist. - [laughter]
'Cause if I'm smoking with another Mexican dude,
or with, like, a Black dude, I'd be like,
"Man, I got this purebred Rottweiler.
I got 'em from a badass breeder, paid top dollar."
If I'm smoking with white people,
I'll be like, "First off, he's a rescue."
- [laughter] - "Eh...
"I rescued a golden retriever, actually, and...
- his name's Oliver." - [laughter]
But for the record, I would never rescue.
- [laughter] - I don't like that.
Reusing someone's dog? Nah.
[laughter]
I don't like to reuse nothing, bro.
- I don't even recycle. - [light laughter]
And I do believe in global warming, but I don't care about it.
[laughter]
I-- I wanna care more about the environment,
but then I see people that, like, really care,
and I'm like, "Man, they got it."
[laughter]
You ever go to someone's house and they have, like, three recycle bins?
When I see that, I'm like, "We're gonna be alright."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
Sometimes you smoke with people,
and they'll-- they'll talk a lot, which is fine.
Like, talk, but pass me back my weed first.
[laughter]
Or like-- I like-- like, I like to smoke with people who rap when they're high.
But like I said, like, pass me back my weed.
Some people, they wanna rap and hold the weed
like it's a music video, and...
- [laughter] - I don't like that.
I be looking out for the signals.
If you're holding my weed, and I see you off to the side over here like...
[laughter]
I'll be like, "Hey, nah, nah, nah. Like..."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckles]
But some people rap badass when they're high.
Like my little cousin Anthony, he'll bust a freestyle,
and I love it, 'cause he does it all in his mind.
He'd be smoking. Outta nowhere, he's just like...
[inhaling sharply]
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
And I'll be so high that I heard it.
[laughter]
I'm like, "Bro, hell yeah."
[laughter]
I say, "You ain't lying, bro. Play that shit again."
- [laughter and applause] - [chuckles]
I-- I wanna get health insurance, that shit looks badass.
[light laughter]
Right now, I don't have health insurance,
so anytime I need to go to the doctor for anything,
I go to, like, this affordable-type clinic.
You know those clinics that are like for people in the struggle?
But I feel like the doctors there be struggling too.
[laughter]
My primary care physician lady,
I don't think she makes enough money
to care.
[laughter]
That bitch has her own problems.
She was like, "Mr. Barbosa, do you smoke cigarettes?"
I was like, "Sometimes."
She's like, "Shit, me too."
[laughter]
But I'm trying to-- I'm trying to stay productive while I can,
you know, trying to stay productive.
I started learning how to work on cars.
I really did it 'cause I wanted to impress women.
- [scattered cheers] - But so far,
I've-- I've just been impressing men.
[laughter]
They're the only ones who really care.
Like, I was telling my boy that I did the oil change on my car.
He was like, "Where'd you take it?"
I said, "No, I did it." He goes, "Mm!"
[laughter]
I was like, "Calm down, pervert. What the fuck?"
[laughter]
When I was a kid, I did a little paint and body,
but the mechanics of it, I never messed with it, you know.
And learning-- I know a thing or two now,
but before, I didn't-- I didn't really know much.
I didn't even know what type of oil my own car used at first.
I remember the dude at the store was like, "What kind of oil do I get you?"
I was like, "Whatever Vin Diesel uses."
[laughter]
He's like, "I don't know what Vin Diesel uses."
I was like, "Well, you don't know nothing about cars, bro."
[laughter]
"Or family."
[laughter and applause]
Don't clap, that's a stupid-ass joke, don't clap.
[laughter]
Y'all should be ashamed of me that I even said that, like...
You should be ashamed, man.
You know what's crazy, is I was so cocky about that joke.
- I was a little high when I wrote that. - [light laughter]
But I was so high that I didn't even realize
it was, like, funny, 'cause it's so stupid.
I thought it was like, like, "I'm so smart."
I was right there like, and then I'm gon' be like, "Get this."
- [laughter] - "Or family."
[audience laughing]
Nah, but I learned that my car uses 5W-30.
And when I learned that, or when I learn anything new about cars,
I feel like I'm ready to chop it up with other car guys, talk shop.
But then I talk to car guys and they remind me,
I don't know shit.
[laughter]
This dude at a car show was telling me about his truck.
He was like, "Yeah, what can I tell you, bro?
"You know, I just-- I did a E85 conversion,
"it's a 454 big-block V8 that I took out of a '75 C-10.
"The truck itself is a '68 C-10.
"Got about 118cc, about 120cc headers,
"I was running 93cc headers on this bad boy,
"but that 9-to-1-to-1 compression ratio
just-- pweh-- popped that piston right outta there, boy."
[laughter and light applause]
[cheering and applause]
I said, "For real?"
[laughter]
I was like, "I don't know, maybe put 5W-30 on there, boy."
[laughter]
"That's what Vin Diesel uses, you know."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckling]
I just-- I wanna know more stuff, you know what I mean?
I wanna know more stuff.
'Cause I-- I wanna be smarter, be better at conversation.
'Cause sometimes other comedians will invite me
onto their podcast, and like, I wanna be a better guest.
One time, I got to go on Joe Rogan's podcast.
- [cheering and applause] - This-- yeah.
The man has like the biggest podcast in the world,
and he gave me a great opportunity by having me on, man.
But I didn't have shit to talk about.
And then I fucked up because I started reading the comments,
and everybody was like, "Man, this guy is boring."
They were, "The last guy was-- that was-- he was so interesting.
The last guy had a good episode."
Every comment, "The last guy was this and that."
And I know I'm dry, but now I'm like,
"Alright, well, who's this last guy, right?"
So, I go to check, and the guy on the episode before mine,
he was like an F-22 fighter pilot spilling government secrets.
Hell yeah, his episode better than mine!
[laughter]
I was like, "What the fuck they put me after him for?"
[laughter]
That man had government secrets.
[audience member] Whoo!
I was on my dumbass episode like, "Oh, I like Funyuns."
[laughter and scattered applause]
[Ralph scoffs]
Got a temper, man. People don't know that about me.
I got a temper, be getting me into problems.
Like the other day, I walked out of a bar,
and then I tried to go back in the bar and a police officer,
he grabbed me by my arm like I'm a kid.
He was like, "Whoa! You can't go back in there, boss."
And I didn't like that he grabbed me by my arm.
But he called me "Boss," so...
[laughter]
I was like, "At least he knows. Shit."
[laughter]
That's 'cause I like compliments a lot.
I do, I-- I'm a sucker for compliments.
A cop could be beating my ass, but if he compliments me while he does it,
- I'll be cool with it. - [laughter]
For real, police officers
should compliment the shit out of everybody they arrest.
They might have an easier time.
Like me, alright, check this out.
Like, if a cop was being racist to me,
I don't know what I would do, I'd be so scared.
I'd probably run for my life.
Like, if a cop slammed me up against the wall,
and he was just like, "Yeah, beaner."
I'll be like, "Oh, my God," like I...
"I'm gonna die. I gotta go, like..."
But if a cop slammed me up against the wall
and he was just like...
"I bet you get a lot of pussy."
[laughter]
I'd be like, "Aah, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight."
- [laughter] - "Take me to jail."
[laughter continues]
But I don't know, I've never been, like, the type
to get into shit with police. My friends are.
A lot of my friends are these hood-ass dudes from hood areas.
I don't even know how we click, man. For real.
Like, you ever take pictures with people from the hood?
It's hard, man, they're always throwing up their gang signs, their hood.
There's East side, Oak Cliff.
I-- I feel awkward though, 'cause I'm from the suburbs.
I don't know what to do in pictures.
They're over here. I'm just like...
[laughter]
I'm like, "Stop fighting."
[laughter]
♪ Every time we touch, I-- ♪ Nah.
[chuckles]
The only time I've ever felt afraid of the police
was, um, a couple years ago.
They, uh, they passed this law in Texas.
It's called the SB4 law.
And what I read-- this is what I read online.
It said they gave the police the authority to arrest you
if you look suspicious of being an illegal.
And I'm not an illegal, I was born here.
But sometimes, I'll look at my skin.
And even to me, it looks a little suspicious.
[laughter]
So what do they see, you know what I'm saying?
And it says that that law is mostly for the cops
that are right near the border, they work the border towns.
And I don't live near the border, but I'm still scared.
'Cause what the fuck makes you suspicious of being an illegal?
What makes you fall under suspicion?
80% of this room is suspicious.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
That shit had me scared, man. That shit had me so scared.
I don't even put salsa on my taco anymore.
- [laughter] - Too suspicious.
[laughter]
I feel scared that I'm gonna be in a restaurant just throwing it on,
and a cop eating lunch is gonna be like...
[laughter]
He'd be like, "Hands behind your back.
No citizen could handle that amount of heat."
[laughter]
He'd be like, "You're coming with me, pussy magnet."
- [laughter] - I'd be like, "A'ight, I'm illegal."
- [laughter] - [Ralph chuckles]
I don't-- I don't know if that law stayed in effect.
There's a lot of problems with that law. But, do your own research.
I also wanna say this real quick. Don't-- don't like...
Like, do your own research, don't say--
whatever I talked about right now, that law,
don't use that, like, in a real conversation.
[laughter]
Don't be like, "You heard about the thing in Te--" like...
Don't-- don't ever leave my show thinking you learned something.
[laughter]
[audience member] Whoo!
Alright? I'm not that guy, like...
I-- I just want to, like, emphasize that, man.
Like, if you're left, right, blue, red,
I'm not here to take a side or to push an agenda.
Like, I don't care who you vote for.
If you're cool with me, I'm cool with you, you know what I mean, like...
- Yeah. - [cheering and applause]
And I'm for real.
Like, don't take-- if I talk about a law or anything like that,
don't take it too serious. I'm not trying to--
like, I don't have a point, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm not that comedian.
I wish I was. You think I don't--
Man, I wish I-- I could be like, like, them smart comedians
that they be like, "You ever notice how society be doing this?"
And then y'all be like, "Oh, fuck!"
[laughter]
But that's not me, so for now, I gotta come out here and just...
- [rhythmic snoring] You know? - [laughter]
[cheering and whistling]
I'm stupid, bro. I'm a stupid man, I know I am.
I want people to acknowledge how dumb I am, 'cause...
And I'm okay with being dumb. I've always known.
I knew I was stupid since like the fifth grade.
'Cause you remember-- you remember in school,
they used to tell us that Ben Franklin
discovered electricity when he was flying a kite with a key on it,
and he got electrocuted?
Yeah, he was out there, he's like, "Oh, shit, you know what it is," like...
[laughter]
When they told us that story, that's when I knew I was dumb.
'Cause if that happened to me, I wouldn't have discovered electricity.
I woulda just stood there like, "What the fuck happened? Like..."
[laughter]
Especially in those old times, I woulda ran around my village like,
"Hey, the sky is the devil, like..."
[laughter]
- "He just touched me." - [laughter]
I also wanna say another thing, man.
I-- like, 'cause I don't want-- I don't want my jokes
to ever make you think one thing or another.
Because then you guys, you-- you have an opinion
about one of my jokes, and you think that it means I do this or that.
And then y'all talk about it in the comments.
And I read those, and I cry.
[laughter]
So, like, again, I just wanna emphasize, I don't care who you vote for.
I still respect you, no matter what.
But earlier, I was doing jokes
about dating girls who are not so legal, and...
I just-- I don't want y'all to think that I lean on anything. I--
I just-- I do have one opinion, that this is my opinion, though.
And-- and if yours is opposite of mine, I'll still respect you.
But I'll-- for the record, just before people get it twisted,
for the record, me personally,
I'm-- I'm pro-immigrant. How could I not be?
It's how I was able to be born in this country.
You know what I'm saying? Like...
- [cheering and applause] - Yeah.
I'm pro-immigrant.
- But... - [laughter]
But... if I hang out with immigrants for too long,
I'll get a little Republican-y.
[laughter]
Only because, only because, and immigrants, y'all know y'all do this.
Bro, when immigrants who are the same race as you,
when they find out you were born here, they'll shame you for it.
You're on their side, and they'll shame you for it.
They-- they split us up, they be like, "Oh, you were born here?
Hmm. Must be nice."
[laughter]
They're like, "So, you're not full-blooded."
Or they hit you with a, "Maybe you've had some struggle,
but you'll never understand what it is to be an immigrant."
- [scattered cheers] - Every time they're giving me all that,
I'm like, "Bro... [sighs]
- go home." - [laughter]
But not like that. Like, "Go to your new home," not...
Not the original one. I'm not that mad.
[laughter]
- [chuckles] - [audience member] Whoo!
It's just me though, alright?
I was raised-- raised by immigrants.
I was raised by my grandparents. I was raised by immigrants, man.
- [cheering and applause] - Yeah.
You know, I really-- I miss my grandparents a lot
when I'm out here on the road, and I'll get homesick, I'll miss them.
But when I-- when I really miss them, I'll do things that remind me of them.
Like, when I really miss my grandma and her food,
I'll go to a Mexican restaurant and just sit down with an old lady.
- [laughter] - I'll be like, "Hola, señora.
- Ahora yo soy su nieto." - [laughter]
"I belong to you now, lady."
[audience laughing]
When-- when I really miss my grandpa,
- I'll go to a strip club. - [laughter]
And just creep out young ladies.
I'll be like... [in deep voice] "Ven aquí chiquita."
[laughter]
[Ralph chuckling]
I really do-- I really do take my grandma to her appointments sometimes...
or like, if I have to translate.
My grandma speaks no English, like, at all.
So, the longer her doctor talks, the more nervous she gets.
And after a while, she'll start tapping me.
She's like... [speaking Spanish]
"What's he telling you?" [speaking Spanish]
I like to mess with her a little bit, I'll be like...
- [sucking teeth] - [laughter]
She's like, "Que? Que?"
I'm like, "Grandma...
Tenemos que ir a McDonald's"
[laughter and applause]
[chuckles]
My grandma's cool, though, she's like... "Chinga tu madre."
[laughter]
I'm like... "Es tu hija."
[light laughter]
My grandma's probably the reason I got a temper, man.
She be always mad.
I don't know-- I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't know if it's a part of getting older, but it's hard for--
it's harder for me to bottle in my anger.
I'm usually good at just like, don't say nothing,
just walk off, whatever.
But lately, man, I don't know. The other day...
I'll-- I'll catch myself sometimes,
but sometimes my temper still-- and it's not fair.
I'm not tall enough to have a temper.
[laughter]
I'm almost 5'7".
I say it just like that 'cause it means a few things.
It means, "Yeah, I'm not 5'7", I wish I was."
If I was 5'7", my life would be so different.
I would not be doing comedy today if I was 5'7", I wouldn't.
Why would I need to impress people?
I'd be grown, you know?
[laughter and applause]
But, I'm almost 5'7".
That means I'm not 5'6".
I'm not, bro. I'm not. I'm not.
I see a 5'6" dude, I'll beat his little ass.
[laughter]
But it's getting harder to, like, just bottle shit in, man.
The other day I went off at a restaurant.
Well, not really a restaurant.
The other day, I went off at McDonald's.
[laughter]
I ordered a bunch of food through the app with my friend.
When we got there to pick it up, it was like four bags' worth of food.
And I told the guy behind the register,
I was like, "Hey, bro, could I have one packet of buffalo sauce?"
And he-- and he might have been having like a bad day already,
'cause he responded all mad.
He was like, "I already put honey mustard in the bag."
I don't even know who the fuck told him to do that.
[laughter]
I didn't. He-- he's acting
like if I was texting him, like, "Don't forget the honey mustard.
Like, I swear to God, I don't know what I'ma do if you forget that honey--"
[light laughter]
But I tried to keep it calm.
I said, "Hey, bro, take it back."
[laughter]
"Give me the buffalo. Even trade, you know?"
He was like, "That's too many bags for me to be looking for that honey mustard."
He's like, "I don't got time for that."
He goes, "If you want buffalo sauce, it's 25 cents."
But I'm like, "Bro, don't... [sighs]
- Don't take this job that serious." - [laughter]
Like, of all the jobs in the world, don't take this one that serious.
Just give me the buffalo sauce.
I'm like, "Come on, bro, the owner of this place is a fucking clown.
Literally. I'm not even making fun."
[laughter]
"You gonna take a stand for Ronald? Calm down."
[light laughter]
He's like, "Hey, maybe my job is some joke to you,
but this is how I make my living. If you want buffalo sauce, it's 25 cents."
But this last part, he didn't have to throw in there.
This is where I lost my temper. He goes...
"If you don't have 25 cents...
- just say that." - [laughter]
That's where I was like, "Alright, bitch."
[audience laughing]
I had some cash on me, so I started looking for the biggest bill I have.
And my homeboy, he knew where I was going with this.
He was trying to stop me.
He's like, "Hey, bro. [clicking tongue] Don't be that guy."
But I was like, "Nah, fuck that." I pulled out a $10 bill.
[laughter]
'Cause now, I'm like, if this man wants to sell buffalo that bad,
I'm in the market today.
[laughter]
I said, "You know what, bro? Give me $10 worth of buffalo sauce."
He's like, "What?" I said, "You heard me.
10 bens, right now."
[cheering and applause]
He's like, "What, are you fucking serious?"
I said, "Yeah, I'm serious. You wanna be
fucking top buffalo salesman of the month in this bitch?"
[laughter]
"Let's get you that commission check, bro."
[cheering and applause]
That's right. We're tired, goddamn it. [chuckles]
But did he go get my buffalo? No.
- [laughter] - He goes and he gets his manager.
And now I felt embarrassed, because his manager
was this little old lady, man, she don't got no time for this.
The-- the wom-- [sighs] The woman barely has time at all.
[laughter]
But this lady, this old lady, this is why she's manager.
She knows how to deal with people like me.
She gets these two empty McDonald's bags
and just starts dumping packs of buffalo sauce in 'em.
More than what I needed, $28 worth of buffalo, at least.
[laughter]
At that point, even I was like, "Hey, like, that-- that's alright, I was..."
[laughter]
I was like, "I think I have some at the house, actually."
- [laughter] - But she kept going.
She's like, "Nah, nah, nah, you want buffalo, like..."
[laughter]
It's like, bitch.
But I do have to, like, learn, you know, to control my emotions.
'Cause when-- when you're my height, bro, life is just different.
Like, you move different.
I go to bars, I can't even enjoy being at a bar like everybody else.
If I'm at a bar and somebody bumps into me,
bro, I just get bumped into. End of story.
[laughter]
I'll be like, "Yeah, I was watching that episode of-- ooh.
I was watching that episode of SpongeBob."
[laughter]
Because I already learned my lesson, man.
One time, I was at a bar, I'm drinking with a girl.
We're talking, laughing.
Some dude bumps into me, I spilled my drink.
I turned around swole, I was like, "Who the fuck...
That guy's in a rush."
[laughter]
I-- I really did. I learned the lesson the hard way.
Like, just control my emotions.
Sometimes I still slip, but for the most part, I'll control 'em.
'Cause I got humbled one night. I got humbled bad, man.
One night... I wasn't even out either.
This is like five years ago.
My cousin calls me, she was blowing up my phone.
It's like 1:30 in the morning.
She was crying, she's like, "Can you get over here?
I need your help. Please, please."
My cousin, her boyfriend, and a bunch of their friends
were drinking at some bar.
And they got into an argument with some other dudes,
started some shit, and my cousin was trying to leave.
But those dudes wouldn't let them, like, get their car out of the parking lot.
I think they-- they, like-- they slashed their tires or something.
It was like a big commotion. I couldn't really understand her.
- The bitch was crying. - [laughter]
All I knew is my cousin's in trouble, let me go help.
I lived pretty close by, which I'm assuming
is why she called me, you know?
And I pull up. I pull up to save the day.
At that time, I was driving a 1999 Chevy Impala.
- [scattered cheering and applause] - I loved that car, man.
It had a clean brown leather interior,
like, panty-dropper interior.
[laughter]
The outside of the car had no matching colors.
[laughter]
I had, like, a green hood and, like, a red door, like...
The outside of the car made you put your panties back on.
[laughter]
But fuck it, I was on the inside where dreams are made of.
[laughter and scattered cheering]
But I pull up and I see all the commotion outside.
They're all going crazy with her.
And I got out the car, I say, "Hey, y'all get in my car.
"Let's just go. We'll come back for your car tomorrow.
Fuck these guys, let's just get outta here."
And they-- they were getting in my car, and those guys were talking shit to us.
But I didn't really care, I'm just ignoring it.
And until one of those guys, he yelled-- he yelled something like--
he was like, "Yeah, get that fat bitch in the purple up outta here."
Oh, man, I looked around.
And who's wearing purple?
- My stupid-ass cousin. - [laughter]
I was like, "Bitch, of all the colors on the color wheel, like..."
[laughter]
It made me mad, man. That's my cousin.
You can't talk about her like that.
I turned around so quick. I was like, "Who the fuck said that?"
- But I should not have done that. - [laughter]
If I was smart and not emotional, I could have just took a breath,
looked at my cousin's boyfriend and been like,
"Hey, say something, bro. What the fuck?"
[laughter]
But I got mad too fast. I turned around, I was like,
"Who the fuck said that?"
The biggest guy in their little crew comes out.
He's like, "Me, motherfucker."
I don't even think he was the one that had said it.
[laughter]
I told him. I was like, "Nah, hell nah."
[laughter]
I said, "The voices don't even match."
[laughter]
I was like, "That was not you.
"It was maybe this 5'6" little bitch over here.
What's up, bro? What's up, bro?"
[cheering and applause]
[Ralph scoffs]
[audience member whistling]
- That little boy didn't want none. - [laughter]
Plus, that-- that dude got in my face. The big dude got in my face.
And when someone's right here in your face, man, there's no going back.
And my grandparents, like--
I went into, like, fight mentality, alright?
My grandparents, they prepared me for moments like this.
They were realistic the way they raised me.
They would always tell me, they're like, "Hey, you are small."
[laughter]
And that was it, they would just walk off.
- [laughter] - And-- nah.
No, my grandpa would tell me.
He's like... [speaking Spanish]
[audience laughing]
Which translates to "You're short. If you get in the fight
and they hit you first, you might not get back up."
[light laughter]
So, his advice to me was, if you know that the fight is gonna happen,
you swing first, you survive.
Don't take a chance letting them hit you first, you start swinging.
So, when that dude got in my face, that's what I did.
I started swinging as fast as I can.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
I wasn't doing shit to that man, I was...
[laughter]
I hit him like a thousand times.
His health bar was still on 99%.
[laughter]
I started getting desperate. I even started doing stuff I see on TV.
I was like, "Hi-yah, hi-yah. Kame, kame, ha!"
[laughter]
That man just ate the blast like nothing.
I got scared, I even hit that anime gasp. I said, "Oh, oh, oh."
[laughter]
- I said, "That's impossible." - [laughter]
He was a tall dude, man, he was a big dude.
I don't even know where to hit him. I was-- I was going for his head,
I'm looking for openings in his body.
I couldn't hit-- really hit him.
He had it easy, he just kept hitting me on the top of my head.
He's like, "Boom, boom, boom." Kept hitting me, hitting me.
I used to be 5'9", but the motherfucker kept...
- "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh." - [laughter]
- [scattered cheering and applause] - [Ralph chuckles]
[whistling and applause]
He hits me, like, on the back of my head on-- on one hit.
And oh, my God, I have never been so dizzy in my life.
I had never been dazed before.
And I instantly regretted every time I've yelled at a fighter on TV.
'Cause you know when you're watching the fight
and the dude you're going for gets knocked down,
and he's trying to get up but his legs are wobbly,
and you're just like, "Get up, bitch! Get up!"
Bro, you can't. You can't, like...
[laughter]
I was trying so hard not to fall.
But he was just whooping me, he was hitting me so hard.
He was hitting me so hard that on the outside,
I didn't even know where I was anymore.
The world was just spinning.
But on the inside, like, I found myself, man.
[audience laughing]
I reached this higher level of consciousness.
As I'm watching the punches come at me,
I was just like, "Oh, shit."
I was like, "First of all, I should have never answered the phone."
- [mimics punching thud] - [laughter]
It's like, "Damn, second of all, they're out here.
They didn't even invite me."
- Boom. - [laughter]
I saw that-- I saw this one big-ass fist coming,
I was like "Damn, third of all...
[sighs] my cousin could lose a few pounds."
[laughter]
Nobody in our family wants to talk to her about her weight,
and look where it got us that night.
[laughter]
The rest of the fight, I was just mad about her weight.
- [laughter] - I was just like, "Oh, we need
healthier lunch options in the school system."
- [grunts] - [audience laughing]
Look, man, I've been in like five fights my whole life.
All of them, there's so much adrenaline,
I don't even feel the punches. Or I feel 'em a bit,
but it's-- it's dudes around my size, you know what I mean?
Like, I get in a fight with high school kids.
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
But this guy...
And I'm, like, a little ashamed to admit it,
but like, fuck it, I'm transparent.
This dude was beating my ass so bad,
like, it was hurting so bad that I was in my head,
like, talking to myself, I was like, "Fuck."
I was like, "I have to do something. Like, I have to do something to this man."
I was like, "If he hits me with one more of those, I die."
[light laughter]
"My gold coins go flying everywhere. Like, I'm done, bro."
[laughter]
And maybe I do watch too much Dragon Ball Z,
'cause in my head, my mind goes to like,
"Fuck it, I just have to hit 'em with one final,
- "all-my-power attack. - [laughter]
"Everything I have in this last blow.
And if we both blow up, so be it."
[laughter]
So, with my left, I kinda push him off.
I'm trying to block hits. I'm fending him off with my left.
But over here, I'm charging this bitch up.
[laughter]
And I got all this adrenaline going through me, you know what I mean?
I'm yelling. I don't remember yelling,
but my cousin said I was yelling. I'm just like, "Ah!"
[laughter]
I'm thinking about everybody in my life that I love
to make me stronger.
I'm like, "Te quiero mucho, Grandma!"
[laughter]
I'm-- I can kinda count his hits,
'cause the man hit hard, but he didn't swing fast.
So, I can kinda count 'em, and I was making my little plan.
I was like, "Alright, when he throws his right,
"I'm gonna use my shoulder, and I guess my face.
[laughter]
"I'ma roll it off, and with that same energy,
"I'ma come back, everything I have.
And if I kill him, I kill him."
[laughter]
And I-- I'm not a professional fighter, I didn't get it on my first try.
It took a while, it was like, "Ooh, like, next one, motherfucker."
[laughter]
But finally, I got it. I-- I was like, "Here's-- this is the one.
Like, I got it, I feel it."
But I was so nervous, I yelled my cue out loud.
I was like, "Now!" And I...
[audience laughing]
[Ralph laughing]
But I still threw it. I threw the hardest, fastest punch
I've ever thrown in my life.
I even saw that bitch on fire a little bit.
- I was like, "Oh, shit!" - [laughter]
I hit him with everything I had. I said, "Boom!"
Man, I hit the fucking shit out of my car.
[laughter]
I dented my own car.
I couldn't even play it off. I was like, "Oh, shit."
I was like, "Did you see that? Like, you want that, bro?"
I was like...
[laughter]
But that really was my final blow, man,
'cause I couldn't even keep my fist like a fist no more.
My shit was turning into a taco, I was...
I'm like, "You want some, bro?"
[light laughter]
I tried to keep going, like, I tried.
But that dude, he was looking at my hand, and I think he felt bad.
He's like, "Just go, bro. Just go."
[laughter]
Man, I-- I was embarrassed. I was mad. I was so mad.
'Cause my car was ugly enough as it was, and now I did that.
And then-- and then my cousin.
My cousin, she's like, "Oh, my gosh."
[laughter]
She's like, "Are you good?"
[laughter]
I was like, "Get your fat ass in the car."
[laughter]
Hey, man, I'm Ralph Barbosa. Thank you so much
for coming to my special!
[cheering and applause]
[♪ upbeat energetic music playing]
[cheering and applause continues]
Every now and then, I'll think of a joke that I think is funnier in Spanish,
or a little story that I think is funnier in Spanish,
'cause eventually, I would like to do a little Spanish tour.
I think that would be cool. So, I'll-- I'll run it by my grandma.
- [cheering and applause] - Yeah.
So, I'll-- I'll run it by my grandma, right, just to see what she thinks.
And I told her this one, and she didn't like it.
But if you want, I'll tell it to y'all before we go tonight.
- [cheering and applause] - Yeah. [laughing]
Uh... [speaking Spanish]
[laughter]
Okay?
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
[light laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter and cheering]
- [electricity crackling] - [insects buzzing]